If you don’t send a monthly allawee to your babe, you need to fix up now. We want you to see the light, so we compiled a list of reasons you should pay your lover a monthly salary (if you don’t have money, it’s best to face your front sha).
Because why not?
You’re the lover, the partner, the banana, and the sugar.
Money speaks
Are you spending your millions right if it’s not going to your lover? You’re the bureau de change. Your money is for spending. After all, when there’s money, love is sweeter.
You’re in love
Please, if you love someone and it’s within your means, why not? Drop allawee for every breath your partner takes. In fact, the number of zeros behind what you send her signifies the lengths you’ll go for love.
Love renewal
Every good thing must surely come to an end, but that’s also where the concept of subscription comes in. Better to spend money on premium love than breakfast.
It’s a love language
Everybody knows giving someone money they didn’t have to work for in Nigeria is a love language. Your gift-giving isn’t giving unless cash is inside.
She calls you daddy
That lady calls you daddy, you must do your duties and contribute something to her treasury. Or else…
Unfriendly economy
Nothing is too small to support your babe, please. Inside this economy where petrol is ₦650 per litre and grocery (a.k.a garri) is now almost on top of the food chain?
Make it harder for her next man
Only God knows tomorrow, but if you happen to part ways later, you’d be the standard for her next man in spoiling and pleasing her.
Even if all the reasons we’ve given you aren’t convincing, you can’t deny your Nigerian DNA, we’re known for going all out to spoil women. Don’t be an exception.
But if there are no means…
You can’t kill yourself. If e dey, e dey; if didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. Everywhere is hard, sef.
First of all, it’s hard to surprise a Nigerian woman because we know everything. But if you really want to plan something your Nigerian girlfriend would love and might actually catch her unaware, these tips will help.
Tell her you’re planning a surprise for someone else
Remember what I said about women knowing everything? She’ll definitely know something is up when you start making quiet phone calls and guarding your phone. You don’t want to wake the investigative journalist in her, so just tell her without telling her.
Avoid her
Of course, now, she might want all the details of the surprise you’re planning for someone else. You can’t keep that up, so the best bet is to avoid her. Just don’t do it for too long, or she might enter another relationship before you pull off the surprise.
Tell her friends at least a week before the party
Don’t worry, they won’t ruin the surprise. You need them to make sure she’s all dressed up and baddie-fied for the event. Trust me, no one wants to walk into a surprise with six-week-old braids.
Make sure she doesn’t eat that day
That’s where her friends come in. You want her to have space for all the food at the party. This one should be easy because many Nigerian women have a problem deciding what to eat anyway.
Say your ex will be present at the party
Just tell her your ex will be present at this random party, and watch your babe literally dress to kill. Or fight you and dump your ass. What’s life without a little risk?
Go all out on the decor
Because she’ll need to take pictures for the gram. I know they say it’s the little things that count, but this one doesn’t fall under the little things. The venue has to be lit.
Invite all her frienemies… then spray her money
You know what’s better than sending your Nigerian girlfriend money? It’s giving her money in the presence of all her enemies. They need to know her man is an odogwu. If this is the only thing you get right with the surprise, you’ve done more than enough.
Or propose
Only do this in front of a big-ass crowd when you’re sure she wants to marry you sha. Because why choose to embarrass her like that in front of everyone?
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kunle: In January 2022, we met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout. It was around 6:30 a.m., we sat together, and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic for most of the way because of all the closed roads and bridges. We were both sweaty but trying to maintain beauty for the office.
Temi: It was hard for us public transport users that year. I always got to the office exhausted. Well, not much has changed now.
But that day, we got to talking when he got a glance at my music playlist on my phone. He saw I liked a lot of sad music and commented on it. That’s how we started talking about music and our work.
Kunle: When we finally got to our destination, it was some minutes past eight, and we were both late for work, so we didn’t even bother to rush. We’d found out we worked not too far from each other, so we got into a keke together and that’s where we exchanged phone numbers.
When did you realise you liked each other?
Temi: We started meeting up in the evenings to catch the bus going to Barracks together, and we really got along on these bus trips. After some days, he told me he normally carpooled with a man who uses his private car as a taxi when he was coming to work in the morning and leaving at night. The only reason he’d been using the danfo that week was because the man had travelled.
He invited me to carpool with him, and I agreed. It was a great decision because the man’s car was so comfortable; it was air conditioned, and he lived closer to my house, so I could just walk home from where he dropped me off.
Kunle: There were usually four of us from different offices in this man’s car. And on rare occasions, five. Instead of having to jump danfos at up to four stops between work and home, we could just sit back and relax for a long stretch of time. It didn’t even cost that much more. We got to talk and get to know each other without the stress and noise of danfo buses. I think that’s how we started liking each other.
What interesting things did you find out about each other?
Kunle: That she catered for small events on the side. I immediately loved that she was that enterprising.
Temi: For me, I found out he was gay, first of all.
Kunle: I like to have that out of the way when I’m getting to know people, so they can decide if they want to move the friendship forward from early on.
I once had a friend who was so angry when she found out I was gay about a year into our friendship. She said I’d betrayed her trust and blocked me.
I think on the second day of going home in the private car, I told her.
Temi: It was refreshing to meet a gay person in person and have him be so open about it without it necessarily showing in his behaviour. I was a bit disappointed though, because I thought he was cute.
Kunle: She asked to see a picture of my boyfriend at the time, and I showed her.
Temi: He was cute too. It really wasn’t fair.
When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Kunle: The next month, that “cute” guy broke up with me. I’d never experienced as much heartbreak as I did after it happened, probably because we dated for two and a half years. I really thought we’d be committed for life, but apparently, we weren’t on the same page.
That’s what made it even more upsetting. Was he pretending about liking me as much as I thought he did? I suddenly didn’t know.
Temi: He was so withdrawn one day. And he was like that for some weeks, but I didn’t know why. He’d miss the car on some days, and I started feeling somehow about entering without him because I didn’t know anyone else in the car.
So I went back to danfos. When I tried to chat him up to check up on him, he’d just say he was fine. I was worried but I left him. But then, I started missing him.
Kunle: When I started getting over my ex, I felt bad for leaving her hanging like that. I’d noticed she was no longer going with the car. I felt bad that I’d pushed her to go for a much more uncomfortable transport option. I called her up one day and apologised for my sudden withdrawal.
When I finally told her about the break up one Saturday, she told me to meet up with her somewhere she was going to deliver packs of jollof rice she’d made to a birthday celebrant.
Temi: He came to where we’d agreed to meet up, which was not too far from his place, and I gave him a pack of my Jollof as a “feel better” gift.
Kunle: I was so touched. We sat down at the venue. I opened and started eating the food right there. I hadn’t eaten all day, it was around 5 p.m., and the food smelt so good.
It tasted good too. I looked at her midway into the meal with this big smile on my face. She had a big smile on hers too.
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Was that love though?
Kunle: Yes. A version of it.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her once I got home. But I couldn’t understand why because I’d never dated a woman, ever. I actually got into my first relationship at 25 as a virgin. I believed it was because I’d only been considering women up until that point, and I never met one I was attracted to.
Temi: Before I met him, my last relationship was in 2018. It was one of those lukewarm ones where, at the end, you don’t even know why you were together. So I was single and very ready for a relationship. By the time we were getting to know each other in that car, I was very attracted to him and so upset he was gay. But at the same time, I didn’t want to keep away.
Kunle: After the jollof rice meet-up, we went back to going to and from work in the car. So we saw each other every day of the week. When we started hanging out on weekends too, I knew that was it. We’d invite each other for family events or to see a movie together and started meeting each other’s friends. This went on till around June 2022, when I decided to try my luck and ask her out.
Temi: On our way to work, one early Monday morning, he asked me randomly. I was in shock. I was like, “I thought you were gay.” He looked a little confused when I said that, so I knew it was something he himself was still trying to figure out.
How did you handle rediscovering your sexuality and entering a new relationship at the same time?
Kunle: It was conflicting for a while, not going to lie. But in the end, I decided to just follow my instincts. For some reason, I really liked this one girl after a lifetime of liking boys. Maybe that doesn’t require an explanation.
Temi: I tried to keep an open mind too, and enjoy the process. I didn’t say yes to him right away because I wanted him to be really sure. I also wanted to process whether actually wanted to date him. It took me up to three weeks to agree. In the meantime, our budding friendship grew. I realised that beyond being attracted to him, we got along well. He was a serious person; he took the important things in life — money, work, family — seriously.
Kunle: We also like food — the one thing we both like.
Temi: That’s not true. We like swimming. But yeah, that’s all we have in common.
Are either of you ever worried he’ll get attracted to a man again?
Temi: I won’t say “worried”, but the thought enters my head sometimes. On one hand, I feel special that I’m the one woman who made him realise he’s actually bisexual not gay. But on the other hand, I have a lot of learning to do about what bisexuality entails in practice.
Kunle: I still get attracted to men actually. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever act on it. I’m fully committed to this relationship for the foreseeable future. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t mean I can’t be disciplined and stay loyal and respectful to her.
Fair enough. Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Kunle: Oh, it was so stupid.
Temi: We fought, or rather, had an argument over last year’s Sallah meat.
Kunle: This was even before we’d fully agreed to date.
Temi: He’s Muslim. So he’d sworn to bring me a full polythene bag of ram meat. I told him to bring it raw so I could cook it very tender and make a nice sauce with it.
What did he do? He brought the one that they’d fried hard as rock. And it wasn’t even plenty. After he had promised heaven and earth. I was already dreaming of how I was going to savour it and use it with four different meals. Oh God.
Kunle: I overhyped myself as a joke. I didn’t know she was actually taking me seriously and making plans. I just put some leftover meat together without thinking, and took it to her the next day. When she brought the meat out of the bag, she lambasted me. I’ll never forget. I felt so bad.
Temi: I didn’t speak to him for like two days. One day, he ordered ram suya to my house. That was so sweet.
What’s the best thing about being together so far?
Temi: Everything. What I love most is how I don’t feel any pressure at all. I can be myself, talk about things that interest me and be open and vulnerable, without feeling judged or disrespected.
Kunle: The best thing is how compatible we are in almost everything: mentally, sexually, even career-wise. We’re growing together. And we’re so comfortable together. I didn’t realise how uptight I was — constantly seeking validation and trying to be and look perfect — in almost all my past relationships until we got together. Thank you for that.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Temi: 8. I love you so much.
Kunle: Maybe 9.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Take us to the beginning of your dating experience. Was it a good start?
You tell me. My first boyfriend was a cultist.
I didn’t know immediately, but when he told me over a year into the relationship, I didn’t break up with him. It just explained why he often disappeared for a while and was rather inconsistent. I only broke up with him about three years later, when I couldn’t handle his inconsistency any longer.
How did you meet a cultist though?
I met him in 2011 at a JAMB tutorial centre, and we dated on and off during the three years it took me to finally gain admission into university — no thanks to federal universities. I remember when we started dating, he disappeared for about a year, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. I was so confused. But then, he came back and eventually showed me his cult shirt. I was 19 then, and very naive. I already liked him a lot, so I didn’t break up with him.
Let’s talk about the inconsistency that eventually led to that
One time, he kept me waiting for up to an hour for a date. Other times, I’d just not hear from him for weeks. Then, he’d turn up and want to carry on with the relationship like nothing happened. I’d just find myself crying in bed because I missed him and didn’t understand what was going on. I eventually convinced myself that the heartache wasn’t worth it.
And after him?
After him, I finally got into school and another relationship. This person cheated on me with my friend because I wasn’t ready to have sex. My friend was even the one who came and told me. After that one, I didn’t date again throughout uni.
But there was a guy who asked me out for up to two years. He was consistent; he’d come to my hostel on campus, and we’d gist and laugh for hours. I decided to give him a chance after graduation in 2017, and he ended up being my best boyfriend to date. He was kind and thoughtful, but he lied about being a smoker when he knew it was my dealbreaker at the time. When he finally came clean, I broke up with him.
Ironically, I smoke now.
What is this life?
Around that time, I started learning about things like gender inequality, feminism and internalised misogyny. I’d been poking holes through things society portrayed as normal for a while, but it really came to a head that year. I started NYSC at the end of 2017 and got into another relationship. The problem started when I decided to carry my new boyfriend along on my newfound journey.
He didn’t take it well?
No. We started having arguments from early on, about things as little as having rights as a woman.
One time, we went to computer village to fix my phone. As we were leaving, the repairman ran after us to return something my boyfriend forgot, saying, “Thank God say no be your woman you forget like that.” I was shocked and later shared with him how that came across as equating me to an object. I was mindblown that he didn’t understand how that was a problem, how you can draw a straight line from that kind of mindset to the general violence against women.
It’s like the majority of men don’t see women as human but as objects that exist solely for the pleasure of men.
Do you think he saw you that way too?
Not obviously, but there were things he did.
For example, I wasn’t sexually active at the time. I had a Pentecostal Christian upbringing, where I wasn’t allowed to wear trousers or earrings. Of course, sex was a big no. We’d make out sometimes but never go all the way.
One day, we’d gotten to the point of dry humping, and the next thing I heard was, “I put in just the tip.” I cried for an hour, I felt so betrayed. And the main problem was he didn’t even see how he’d violated me and taken advantage of my trust. He hadn’t even cared to seek consent because he had access to my body and felt entitled. That experience affected me so much, I had to get therapy to heal from it.
Have you had any healthy relationships with men?
I honestly don’t think so because my next memorable relationship was long-distance and toxic as hell.
We met during NYSC in 2018 but didn’t date until after because we were both in relationships. After NYSC, he went back abroad and then asked me out sometime in 2020. I agreed to date him because he’d been a really good friend, and I thought he was a decent human being.
However, I shared my reservations about long-distance relationships beforehand. Big mistake, because he spent our entire three-month relationship using that as proof I didn’t really like him instead of that I, in fact, liked him enough to try with him! Suffice it to say, the relationship was one big emotional rollercoaster.
He’d always play these mind games about how he knew I didn’t like him and was cheating on him with my ex, or just make negative assumptions about almost everything I said or didn’t say.
One time, I half-heartedly asked if he’d upgrade my iPhone 6 to a 7 or 8 — X was the latest grade at the time, so I wasn’t greedy. He just responded with a comment implying that that was why I really agreed to date him.
Wow
Later, he asked to take a break because he was having domestic issues. I asked if there was any way I could support him, and he accused me of making what he was going through all about me.
Some weeks later, he messaged me saying I shouldn’t wait for him. Did he expect me to put my life on hold for him before? In retrospect, I realise he only initiated that relationship so he could get my nudes.
No!
Yes. He even texted me some months later asking if I could reshare them with him, that he’d mistakenly deleted all the ones I’d shared. I spent the whole of COVID year recovering from him.
Men are what?
Is it the one I had a situation-ship with later in 2020, who kept talking about his ex, making comments like: “When the most beautiful person you’ve ever dated is now in someone else’s arms,” or “If his ex was single right now, he’d be with her.” It was particularly annoying because I’d asked him several times about it before and he lied and said he was over her. Of course, I eventually gained sense and left that one.
But guess what. He still gave me three missed calls last night (2023).
What was the last straw for you with men?
Sometime in September 2022, I met two guys on the same night out in South.
I don’t know which one showed me the most pepper, the insecure dog beater or this nonchalant guy. And not even at the same time o.
Oh, dear. When you say “dog beater”
I’ve truly seen it all.
So this guy walked up to me while I was taking fresh air outside South, and started talking about how he was a hot shot who made clothes for celebs. We exchanged IG contacts, and later on, we started DMing. That’s how he started sending me Instagram posts of wigs I can choose from. Before I knew it, he was offering to buy me a phone and change my life. I told him to calm down; I didn’t want anything from him; we barely knew each other. He went off on me that “Am I trying to insinuate he had ulterior motives?”
At some point, we agreed to go see a movie together, but when he picked me up, he said he wanted to take something from his “atelier”. He drove us to a self-contained apartment in Surulere, and I immediately knew that was where he lived.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
Uh oh
There was this other guy watching a football match. I sat on the one sofa available, right next to a bed. He sat beside me, and that was how the idea of seeing a movie flew out the window. He just kept asking me things like, “What would ₦500k do for me right now?” “Send me your account number, I’ll wire you ₦1m.” It was a lot.
Then, he took my hand and placed it on his crotch.
Ah
I jumped up and knew I had to get out of that situation. He stood up too and walked into another room that must’ve been his kitchen. Next thing, I heard this loud keening that sounded almost human until I realised it was a dog.
What was wrong with the dog?
I peeked in through the slightly open door and saw this dog chained to a table.
First of all, the room was dirty. Then, the dog must’ve been white originally, but its fur was brownish and matted. It just looked so sad. Meanwhile, this guy was screaming at it and started hitting the poor thing. Oh my God. He came back out, and I asked what the problem was. He said, “I just bought this stupid thing because I thought it was cool. Didn’t know I’d have to be cleaning piss and shit.”
Someone needs to rescue that poor dog!
I know.
I just hightailed it out of there. I told him I needed to get something to eat, and he offered to drive me to this shawarma guy near my house. From there, I said he didn’t have to wait with me for it to be ready. As soon as he drove away, I blocked him. FAST.
Even on the way there, it was road rage galore. I was like, if I even make the mistake of dating this person, he’d beat me.
God, abeg.
And the other guy?
That one was both better and worse.
It’s giving wedding vows
DFKM.
He also chatted me up at South that night, and said I was his exact spec. But then, we ended up in a situation-ship because I wasn’t looking for a relationship anyway. At first, I didn’t mind because the sex was good, but he was so nonchalant.
How did he expose himself?
I made the mistake of messaging my friend that he was someone I couldn’t even have intelligent conversations with. He saw the message and was offended. I felt bad so I apologised, but he ended up using that as a weapon against me later.
Also, we’d always meet up at my house because he lived with his parents. I’d cook for him, or order food or snacks for us, but not once did he ever think to bring me anything on his way. Not food or a little present, nothing.
So you broke up the entanglement?
No. Not at first. The sex was good.
But then, in April 2023, I started having severe anxiety over a job I was about to start, with responsibilities I didn’t feel completely confident I could deliver on, so I shared my concerns with him. That led to me opening up that I wished he’d be more sensitive and caring. Then I asked for a break because I wanted to be celibate.
His response?
I was just saying all that because I wanted a full relationship with him. Apparently, I was trying to guilt-trip him into committing. Then he brought up how I’d already told my friends he was unintelligent, so why did I suddenly want to date him?
I was disappointed, annoyed and done with the whole thing. We haven’t spoken since.
So what now?
Nothing. I’ve completely given up on dating men.
I don’t think men and women think the same way at all, and I’m exhausted from trying to find common ground with one. Maybe if a man came correct, is a kind and decent human being to me, I’d change my mind. I want someone who’d make a real effort to want to be in my life.
These days, I’ve been exploring relationships with women, and it’s been a lot healthier for me. Women have been a lot kinder to me.
But have you always been bisexual or is this because of your toxic experiences with men?
I’ve always been bisexual, but I didn’t realise it until 2021 when I started to truly experience life outside the confines of Christianity.
I’ve always liked women and found some of them attractive in a sexual way. But I’d usually write it off as a girl crush. I’d been socialised never to pursue such an interest, so I never did.
What changed in that regard?
In 2022, it just occurred to me to explore it fully.
One day, a friend convinced me to open a Bumble account, and I filled in “everyone” when they asked what gender I was interested in. Shortly after, I met a woman on there, and we became friends. Recently, we’ve started talking more romantically, and she makes me feel good.
Most of my friends are queer. I have maybe three straight friends in total, so it’s nothing new to me. Just last week, I attended a queer speed dating event, and that was the first time I’ve put myself out there as someone interested in queer relationships. It was such a wholesome experience.
I love it for you
There’s something the girl I met on Bumble told me once. She said, “It’s okay if, at the end of this journey, you realise you’re straight. But at least, you’ll know.” That’s where I am right now, but I know for sure I won’t find out I’m not straight.
I’m curious how you know for sure
Even sex with women is better because men are selfish in that department too. The women I’ve been with always ask how you’re doing, and mutual pleasure is considered. I’ve never got that feeling with men.
Never?
In the beginning, they’re all “heart eyes”. But once you give them small space, they start moving mad. It seems no man has loved me enough to make the effort to be a decent human being to me.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here
Twitter NG has struck again, and this time around, ice cream date is on the chopping board. The girlies are saying it is cheap, lacking in effort and just a reminder that you’re poor.
But is that really the case? Especially when you and the potential LOYL can feel like kids again and catch up on sweet childhood memories that these ice cream options remind you of.
FanIce (120ml)
When you look at the size, you might not think it’ll satisfy your ice cream craving. But it’s about ₦300, so you can get more than one tub.
SuperYogo (sachet)
Source: Fanmilk
This one always gives 90s babies nostalgia for two reasons: Closing hours at school and Eid prayers. It now sells at ₦100 – 150 for a sachet.
Supreme Ice cream (220ml)
This ice cream still comes through for Nigerians in the current harsh economy. With ₦450 – 500, you’ll get a 220ml bowl that serves two.
FanIce (250ml)
A step-up from the 120ml bowl, you can share this one with the LOYL.
Ice cream on a cone
Source: Nairaland
Not the ones they serve in fancy ice cream stores. We mean the ones that move around on bicycles and mini-vans. A serving goes for ₦100 – ₦200.
Frosty bite (150ml)
Forget the small size, this ice cream can raise shoulders with Hans & Rene and Coldstone. The 150ml pack goes for ₦250 – ₦350.
Frosty bite popsicles
At ₦400 – ₦500 per sachet, this is an expensive spend in the rank of sachet ice cream, but it’s worth it for an ice cream date.
Not every time pulling out a ring in the middle of a market square or proposing in NYSC camp. Spice things up with these Zikoko-approved marriage proposal ideas.
Make a Nollywood epic
Act like you’re unconscious or dead, and let your babe cry for 60 seconds before you resurrect like Undertaker and propose. Rough play, but everyone will understand once they see the ring.
Invite your partner over for lunch, treat them to yellow eba with their favourite soup and assorted meat. Then watch their face burst with joy as they dig fingers in and find the ring.
Just tell them
This involves the most minimal conversation. Ask your partner if they know what “fiancée” is, then tell them with the straightest face that it’s their new position.
Someone told me this is how Nigerian men propose and I’ve been creasing ever since! 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/r8hAIa9Gxg
Take your babe for a drive. When you get to a major highway, just pack in the middle to cause traffic. Get out of the car, and when your partner gets down to see what’s happening, take out the ring. Watch people switch from insulting your life to saying congratulations.
Organise a football match
Gather your guys for a friendly match on your local field, and beg them to allow you to score a goal. After scoring, run to celebrate with your babe. Then pull the ring out like this guy:
This is the best marriage proposal you'll ever see. I hope Nigerian girls see this to know y'all don't necessarily have to be dramatic.😒 pic.twitter.com/bbNZUgMuX9
For the business-minded, substitute the traditional proposal for a sit-down negotiation. No stress. Just exchange offers and shake hands.
Perfume
Unless you’re subbing us and saying we don’t usually smell nice, why this? Once or twice is enough. But it can’t become a permanent fixture, please.
PS5
You’re setting yourself up to receive less attention from him than you normally do. Do you really want that for yourself?
Scented candles
Sometimes, money is what’ll relieve our stress, not scented candles. Send us money instead.
Underwear
Unless you’re trying to send him away on purpose, don’t buy him something he can’t show off to the world. And even if he can, that’s still not in your favour. Think about it.
A shopping spree
If you take him on a shopping spree, he’ll find out you have money, and all of a sudden, your billings will start receiving more questions than they normally do.
A mobile phone
You’re just making it easier for side chics to reach him, at this point. Don’t do it.
A timepiece
If he really wants to spend forever with you, why does he need to check the time?
I’ve been plus-size all my life. My mum has shared my birth story so many times that I can almost recite it now. I was 4.8kg at birth, and she had to get an episiotomy to deliver me. I was the baby that people loved to admire but never volunteered to carry because of my weight.
Of course, I was bullied in primary school. I attended a public school, and the kids were mean. The teachers, too. Once in primary three, a teacher called me “orobo olojukokoro” because I grabbed a classmate’s sweets as a joke, and the girl screamed in protest. My classmates, on the other hand, would call me “Junior Layole” in comparison to our plus-size headmistress, Mrs Layole*.
In secondary school, I became the bully. I figured if I were always in attack mode, I wouldn’t get attacked. I’m ashamed of it now, but I often picked on smaller kids. The stubborn ones insulted me back sometimes, mainly targeting my weight, but I never let them know it got to me. I’m not sure if it was my weight or my mean-girl status, but I never had a boyfriend until I got into university.
I started dating Bade* in 2016 while I was in my second year at the university. I was going through a body-confident streak at the time. I’d just discovered the keto diet, which seemed to be working because I went from 135kg to 123kg within about four months of starting it. Before then, I’d tried different options like avoiding meals and eating only when I was about to faint, which just contributed to me developing an ulcer. I’d also tried to exercise a couple of times, but never progressed past 30 minutes on any activity. I always found jumping up and down painfully awkward with my big body. All my failed exercise attempts were from home because who would endure the crazy looks from people at the gym?
So, when I found a diet that actually seemed to be working, I was ecstatic. Most of my weight is spread across my boobs, arms, stomach, hips and butt. Losing more than 10kg meant my stomach looked flatter, making my curves look more accentuated, so I started wearing clothes that showed off a bit more skin. And that’s when Bade came into the picture.
While we’d always been coursemates, we didn’t really talk. I wasn’t an introvert but hardly made friends because I didn’t want snide remarks or “helpful” weight loss suggestions. But one day, he got my contact from our class WhatsApp group and started moving to me anonymously.
I say anonymous because I didn’t have his number, and he didn’t even use the number that was on the WhatsApp group to chat me up, or I’d have traced it. He just told me he was a secret admirer from class. I didn’t take him seriously at first and would ignore his attempts to start conversation because it just seemed weird. But he’d send me cute good morning messages daily, and I started looking forward to it.
We started chatting regularly, and despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get him to reveal his identity. This lasted for about two weeks until he finally agreed to show his face. We met up alone at one of the secluded lecture halls in the evening, and it turned out to be Bade. I already liked him at that point, and I felt like there was an unspoken agreement that we were together, so things got quite heavy that night. We made out for hours.
The next day in class, we didn’t act like anything happened. He kept stealing glances at me, and naively, I thought we were in our own world and had our own little secret. When evening approached, he texted me to meet him at another secluded spot, and we made out again. We “dated” like that for about seven months.
It’s not like I didn’t try to make our relationship public, but he somehow made me believe we didn’t need external validation to be together. I believed him because he was my first, and I was in love. Our situationship eventually ended when someone else from our class shared loved-up pictures of herself and Bade on her WhatsApp status on his birthday. She took them down almost immediately after. I’m sure he also fed her with his “we don’t need external validation” crap. I confronted him, but there was no evidence, so he tried to gaslight me. I just stopped texting him after that, and he didn’t reach out again.
I’ve had two other boyfriends since then, and while they didn’t outrightly try to hide me, they weren’t too pleased to be seen with me. I met the first one right out of uni in 2019, and he was always “helping” me watch my weight. I’d stopped the diets — even the keto because it only worked for a while — and I was at a point where I was just trying to live my life. If I made the mistake of telling him I was craving something, he’d drop remarks about I needed to be craving “gym”.
For the entire year we were together, we probably only took pictures together twice. But he always asked me for nudes because, according to him, he was “obsessed” with my body. The same body he wanted me to get rid of. One time I suggested a restaurant date, and he said a better idea would be to go on the date to celebrate if I lost some kilograms. I still don’t know how we survived a year together, but I left when it got too much for me.
The next one was in 2021. To be honest, I only got with him because I was feeling lonely and sex-starved. And boy, did he change that. We had sex a crazy amount of times. But go on actual dates? Nope. Bro claimed he was a homebody. We were at it for about eight months before I decided I was better than that.
I’ve been single since then, but I think I’m in a better place mentally. I exercise a bit more regularly now — still from home because I’m still scared of getting stares at the gym. I’m currently around 125kg, and even though I still want to lose weight, I try not to think about it. I dress well, if I say so myself, and look even better. If I show you my Instagram DM, you’ll find several men who want to “meet up”, but I’ve experienced enough to know it’s more of a fat fetish. They want sex, but it’s these same men who’ll drop foolish comments under my pictures. It’s tiring being seen only as an object for their fetish, but I’m over them. They’ll be alright.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Tonye: I actually can’t remember. We were friends of friends for the longest time. He was a childhood friend of my closest male friend from secondary school. As we became adults, we found ourselves in the same friendship circle.
I think the only reason why we weren’t close at first was because his family relocated to Jordan when he was in secondary school, so he’d only come back to Naija with the IJGB crowd in December. Between 2013 and 2018, you could just tell he loved the whole Detty December Lagos vibe and never missed it.
We got to know each other better with each of his visits because we’d find ourselves at the same holiday events at least once or twice each year.
Peter: But I remember exactly when we met for the first time. It was at a mutual friend’s beach hangout in December 2011. We said hi to each other once, and that was it. The second time was when I came for summer the next year. We met briefly when your best friend came to pick up something from you on the way to a party you refused to attend.
Tonye: Oh yes. That day. I keep forgetting.
And I didn’t refuse to attend. You guys just threw the invitation at me last-minute and expected me to drop everything.
Peter: You need to embrace spontaneity more. That’s one of your weaknesses.
Deep. So when did you realise you liked each other?
Tonye: I always found him attractive, but just as a thought. By 2014, when I’d gotten used to hanging out with him. I noticed that I thought about him for a long time after we had any interaction.
In December 2015, I was seriously looking forward to seeing him even though we weren’t really friends. He has this carefree, “sure of himself”, clever attitude that just drew me in. Before he came, I found myself asking his friend about his relationship history. That one told me he hardly ever dates or doesn’t date for long, so I told myself to calm down.
Peter: But when I came that year, we only saw once. And it’s not like she tried to reach out or even give me a clue that she liked me.
On the other hand, I was a stupid boy back then. My head wasn’t really in the space for committed relationships.
I see
Peter: It wasn’t until around March 2016, when we had this long-ass, out-of-the-blue FaceTime call that we really connected.
We’d had a conversation on the TL about something that went viral on Twitter, and that’s when I found out she’s one of those fierce feminists. So I popped into her iMessage and asked if she wanted to FaceTime about it. I don’t even know why I asked. I found feminists curious back then, so I made it a point to have these obnoxious conversations with all my female friends who were feminists.
Tonye: Oh God.
Peter: Well, when we FaceTimed, I loved that she looked so good in her natural state. Her hair was messy, her face looked fresh, and even her bedroom voice was everything.
And I realised she wasn’t really hardcore with her feminism. She was so cool and chill, and we went on to talk about our other interests. That’s when I considered the idea of dating her for the first time.
Tonye: But first, he just wanted to sleep with me.
Ah
Tonye: Yes. He was pretty vocal about it. But one ocean kept us apart, so nothing happened. We just kept up a long-distance friendship and got to know each other more. It was around this time in 2016 that he confided in me that he had a temper he was working on.
He mentioned this while he was talking about an altercation he’d had at work in the US, where he’d moved to in 2010. He got so angry that his whole body hurt just from the anger. I didn’t understand it; he explained that his anger takes over his whole body sometimes, and he feels so helpless about it. I’d never heard about something like that before, so I just told him to try to see a therapist.
Peter: I was more excited than ever to come to Naij that December, and that’s when it really sank in that I might like her.
Tonye: I was nervous because I still believed he only wanted sex. At first, I told myself I didn’t mind that, but when I saw him the week before Christmas at someone’s get-together, I changed my mind. I knew I couldn’t handle just sex with him, and I told him there and then.
Peter: We both laughed and then went on to enjoy the event with our other friends. We didn’t see each other again. When it was time for me to leave in January 2017, I called her on a whim to ask if she wanted to come with me and a bunch of my friends to the airport. As usual, she claimed last-minute and refused.
As soon as I landed in Dallas, I started missing her. Although I got back into the flow of work, my friends and relationships there, at the most unexpected moments, I’d just remember her smile or smell. It was crazy.
Please, tell me you started dating soon after
Tonye: Nope.
Not until December 2018 when we met up at his friend’s lounge. That’s when he asked me out. I told him it wasn’t possible because we lived different lives in different continents and only saw each other once a year. He said he’d move to Nigeria to make it work. I thought he was crazy.
Peter: I wasn’t, as you can see. I honestly didn’t see it as a big deal at the time. I’d spent the first 14 years of my life in Nigeria. I still had some family and friends here, so it wasn’t that crazy of an idea to me.
Tonye: I told him to do it first. In my mind, that was it. I thought he’d never talk about it again.
We met up twice more on some outings with friends, then I invited him to my apartment warming just before he travelled back in January 2019. I’d just moved into my very first place after living with my parents all my life.
That was where and when we had our first kiss — a short and warm kiss that happened after he followed me into my bedroom without me noticing. We just kissed, laughed and left the room again.
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How did things advance?
Peter: I started thinking hard about how to relocate to Nigeria without being broke and jobless.
The first thing I did was speak to my dad about it. He didn’t freak out like I thought he would. He just advised me not to do it all at once. Instead, I could get a job or start a business in Nigeria, or do both, then gradually move my things and only quit my job in the States when I have everything settled. I did that.
I offered to help a friend run operations at his start-up. I also used my life savings on an apartment and car I could lease for Uber if I didn’t end up making enough money to keep up a decent lifestyle. All of this took several months of me going back and forth between countries.
Tonye: I didn’t know any of this was going on at the time, mind you.
Peter: I didn’t want to tell her until I’d quit my job in Dallas and there was no going back. This was in September 2019, so when I called and said I was in Nigeria, she didn’t believe me because it wasn’t December yet. I offered to come to her not-so-new apartment to prove it.
When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Tonye: I mean, when I found out he’d actually relocated to Nigeria. I know it wasn’t entirely for me, but still.
But you barely knew each other
Peter: And we probably never would’ve if we still lived continents apart. I just wanted to give us a chance. There was really nothing holding me back in Dallas. In fact, that city represents most of the trauma I’ve experienced in life — bullying, discrimination, addiction and more. I think I would’ve moved back sooner or later.
Tonye: I think also having a lot of mutual friends at that point helped make us feel super close. We’d been in the same circle for almost a decade at that point, so we were familiar. My mum already knew about him because he’d somehow come up in our conversations about my life.
Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Tonye: Yes. Our first major fight was major indeed. It was when I realised what he meant by having a temper. It was scary.
Tonye: I won’t get into details, but like two months after we decided to start dating in September 2019, a friend of ours invited us to a thing. The friend sent the invite through me, and I didn’t know it was because he’d had a falling out with Peter sometime before.
The whole thing ended with us having a huge fight about it, where he went on a rampage and became another person for up to an hour. I locked myself up in his room and cried the whole evening.
Peter: I’m so sorry.
Tonye: We took a break for some weeks because the experience was so jarring.
How did you guys come back from that?
Tonye: He’s really good at begging for forgiveness, and I’ve come to realise he’s truly helpless to how he reacts to things that upset him. But before I agreed to continue dating, I made sure he committed to seeking therapy and anger management counselling.
Peter: I did it right away. It was bloody expensive but worth it. There’ve been way less episodes since then.
When you say less…
Tonye: I don’t think it’s something he can ever completely heal from because it’s triggered by some deep-set trauma we’d prefer not to get into. At many points in our relationship, I’ve questioned my decision to stay, but at the end of the day, our love and commitment to each other have grown stronger from these experiences.
For example, the lockdown of 2020 was a huge trial and defining period in our relationship.
Peter: She’d moved in by then. I fell off a few times during the lockdown, and each time, I was so terrified she’d leave, but she didn’t. I knew I had to ask her to marry me in December 2020 when the heat had blown over a bit. Plus, December was our season. For so many years, we only ever saw in December.
Tonye: We didn’t get married for almost another year though because he worked really hard to convince me I’d be making the right decision by sticking with him despite his emotional struggles. Navigating his tempers is still a work in progress for us.
What’s the best thing about being married to each other?
Tonye: We’re sensitive and considerate of each other. This might be controversial, but I’d say I have his temper to thank for that. We don’t give room for even the slightest of anger in our home because we know how destructive it can be, so we’re constantly checking on each other, trying to do right and apologising instead of taking offence.
Peter: And we’d rather leave the room to clear our heads, then come back and discuss touchy subjects. We don’t let it blow over just for the fun of it. My favourite thing about us is how attuned we are to each other’s pet peeves, and we have all these little things we do to calm each other down.
Tonye: Like I know you hate it when people tease or casually insult you or anyone you care about. So I try as much as possible not to.
Peter: But I also don’t like that you litter and casually stand and talk in open passageways.
Tonye: I don’t like when you just randomly shout in the house because of sports or gist, or dip your finger or cutlery in my food.
Peter: You also don’t like when I try to go on as normal after clearly offending you. It’s been my flawed attempt at keeping my temper in check for years, but I’m unlearning.
Tonye: I also don’t like when you skinny-shame me.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Peter: 10. I’m so lucky you’ve decided time and time again to stick around.
Tonye: 10. It’s a blessing to watch you slowly grow and heal, and see how committed you are to doing better.
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From the dates to the lines, sex, ups and downs and everything in between, the 40+ Anonymous monthly series covers the dating life of our 40+ anonymous writer.
When I was ten years old, I was terribly sick. I eventually landed in a hospital, hooked up to a drip for several days.
This illness occurred during a visit to a Nigerian “eatery” known for its soft serve ice cream — the kind that swirls into a cone straight from a machine. Although I eventually recovered, the experience left a lasting impact on me. From that day forward, I found it impossible to consume soft serve ice cream, or anything resembling it, without triggering a gag reflex. Hold this thought.
If you’ve read my previous story, you’re aware that I’m the template in many roadside plastic surgery clinics in Nigeria today. To be perceived as “sexy” comes with privileges, one of which was lack of exposure to flaccid penises during intimate moments.
I met a man named Anthony once. He was a strikingly handsome, well-built man, standing at an impressive 6’4″, with a jawline that could cut through stone. I felt like I’d struck gold. However, statistics show that the likelihood of winning the lottery in one’s lifetime is less than 1 in 14 million. If only I had known this at the time.
Anthony and I began dating, starting with lunches, progressing to dinners, and eventually, outings with friends and larger groups. We engaged in kisses and flirtatious banter, but he maintained a PG-rated approach and never seemed in a hurry to reach the final destination. This change of pace from my usual thirsty encounters was a breath of fresh air.
The innuendos intensified, and I recall sending him a photo of myself dressed up for a friend’s wedding. His response read, “That dress looks amazing on you, but it would look even better on the floor.” It felt as if we were building up to an extraordinary climax.
Finally, the day arrived unplanned. After spending time with friends at a bar, indulging in a few drinks and dancing, we ended up at his place.
Before this man had even managed to remove his shirt, my clothes were scattered on the floor.
Are you laughing at me?
Abi, you wan make I form?
Konji no dey look person face o.
Call it pride or vanity, but in my natural state, I am truly a sight to behold. Yet, this man surpassed me — a sight that deserves an emphatic 100 marks. However, as my eyes travelled over his physique, I noticed a distinct absence — the lack of an erect penis. Before I could think too deeply, he kissed me, his hands exploring every inch of my body. And I forgot about the absence.
As time passed, my own hands began to wander. When they finally reached the promised land, they were met with far less than had been promised.
“Are you okay?” I mustered the courage to ask.
“I think I may have had too much to drink. Maybe you can help encourage him,” he responded sheepishly, smiling.
Coaxing a reluctant male member was not something I was well-versed in, but I decided to give it my best shot. I began with my fingers and hands, at one point straddling him, desperately trying to arouse his flaccid manhood. Kasala burst when I finally resorted to using my mouth.
I threw up all over his penis.
After successfully avoiding each other for the few years that followed, fate decided to throw us back together professionally. During what turned out to be the world’s most awkward coffee meeting, we revisited the night that abruptly halted a blossoming relationship. Here we sat, two strangers attempting to address the elephant in the room so that we could work together without complications.
“I still suffer PTSD from that night,” he began. “I wish you’d been more patient with me.”
“I was patient; I tried everything I knew. It didn’t help that you looked me directly in the eyes and told me it had never happened to you before. That did wonders for my self-esteem, as you can imagine.”
The ensuing silence was thicker than the cakes my sister forced me to try when she was starting out as a baker.
“I’d started taking blood pressure medication a few weeks prior. It turns out that was the culprit,” he said, finally breaking the silence.
At that moment, I wanted to share the story of the soft-serve ice cream that made me sick as a child, and how his flaccid penis reminded me of the worst time in my life. However, deep down, I knew such a revelation wouldn’t be helpful.
“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, discreetly signalling the waiter to bring the bill.
