relationships | Page 7 of 110

Sharon* (21) feels satisfied and happy in her relationship with Tim*, her boyfriend of two years. But she can’t stop feeling guilty about how she treated her ex, Tobe*, when she wanted to end their relationship for the love she has now.

This is Sharon’s story as told to Betty:

An incoming call vibrates my phone in my pocket. I pull out the device and see my ex’s name flash across my screen. This is his fifth call today, and I’ve ignored every single one. Guilt churns my stomach as I decline for the umpteenth time. I’m not ready to have a conversation and explain why I cut him off. Honestly, he did nothing wrong; I just couldn’t ignore what my heart was telling me.

Let’s rewind to secondary school. A new student, Tim*, joined our class in SS1. When we saw each other for the first time, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we had met before. He felt the same, so I knew there was something there. That weekend at home, I looked for my primary school graduation photo, and I got a pleasant surprise. Tim and I were in the same primary school set.

He was just as delighted when I told him, and we became really close friends. It didn’t take me long to realise that I liked Tim— a lot. He told me he liked me, too, but it was one of those things where I thought we were better off as friends. Besides, secondary school is nothing like the real world. I didn’t want to get distracted by my feelings or have them ruin our friendship. After leaving secondary school in 2021, we lost touch, but those feelings I had for Tim were never resolved, just buried at the back of my mind.

In my 100L, I was all in on making good grades, so I didn’t really entertain any suitors. After one of my departmental tutorials, I walked up to one of the organisers, Tobe*, and asked if he knew when the next one was going to be held. He took my number and promised to update me about the tutorial schedule. But instead of just tutorials, Tobe and I talked about almost everything else. Soon, we became very close and comfortable with each other. A few more weeks passed, and I started to realise that we were in a relationship. He never asked me out officially, but we did basically everything couples do. Besides, I felt like his girlfriend.

When we talked, Tobe would confide in me about his previous bad luck in romantic relationships. He said he always got his heart broken and asked why I would want to be with him. He wasn’t the most handsome guy in the world, but Tobe was two years ahead of me and talented. He was sweet, and I loved his voice. I reassured him that I was different and that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I liked him, and I enjoyed being with him. There was something about Tobe that made me feel so curious and intrigued that I couldn’t imagine why he had those doubts.

In 2023, when I was in 200L, a strike interrupted our school year, and we all went home for a bit. While we were away, communication between Tobe and me slowed to a crawl. We usually kept in touch much better, but something about that unexpected break from gruelling school work made it easy to relax and not think too much about texting my boyfriend or whether he replied or not.

During this gap in our communication, Tim and I reconnected online. At first, it was just a casual conversation with an old friend, but the more we talked, the more I realised that I still had a massive crush on him. We reminisced about all our favourite memories from secondary school, and I found out that we still lived in the same town. Tim invited me out to see a movie that weekend, and I agreed. I knew Tobe would have objected, but I felt that since he wasn’t giving me any attention, he wouldn’t be too upset about it. Besides, it wasn’t like Tim and I were going to do anything, so I pushed my niggling conscience aside and went to see the movie with him on that fateful Friday.

After the movie, Tim and I were talking about what we enjoyed about it. He then said he wanted to ask me something and I told him to go ahead. After beating around the bush for a bit, Tim asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked but secretly, a little pleased.

I asked him why he would want me to be his girlfriend. Why now? Why, after all that time had passed? Tim looked me in the eyes and told me his truth. He had liked me since we were in SS1, and even though we lost touch after school, he had never been able to stop thinking about me and his feelings. He didn’t want to miss another opportunity, and that’s why he was making his intentions known.

I loved that Tim wanted to be with me because my feelings for him were just as strong. But this also threw me into a dilemma: what was I going to do about Tobe? I told him I wanted sometime to think about it but when we went on another date to a park on Sunday, I said yes.

I already felt bad enough about being with Tim and was wondering how best to break it to Tobe when he started trying to communicate with me in earnest. I tried to tell myself that what I did wasn’t so bad because Tobe and I weren’t in a very defined relationship. But that didn’t stop my conscience from pricking me constantly. I was so wracked by guilt, and I didn’t know what to do. So instead, I made a decision I’m not proud of — I ghosted Tobe.

He tried so many times to contact me. Texts, calls, emails, you name it. I couldn’t bring myself to respond to him. I didn’t know what to say or where to start the conversation. The strike lasted a few months, so I thought that by the time we resumed, he would have stopped trying, but Tobe was relentless and it made me feel even worse.

Even though I did my best to avoid him, I ran into him at school, and he refused to let me go until I explained my sudden disappearance. I managed to choke out a summary of what happened during the strike. The knot of guilt in my throat almost made it impossible, but I did my best. The look on his face when I told him made my guilt even bigger.

He said he didn’t hold it against me for choosing my first love. After all, he said, he already knew that he had bad luck with love. I think I would have felt better if he had exploded in anger. I tried to explain that I was wrong and he should be more upset with me, but he just walked away.

After a few months of no contact, Tobe felt ready to discuss what had happened properly, but honestly, I was too afraid to even try. I had blocked his number and profile everywhere so he couldn’t reach me. Then one day after a class, he walked up to me and begged me to give him a number he could call so we could talk. I knew he still wanted to talk about us and why we ended. I couldn’t imagine looking him in the eye and telling him why I chose someone else. So I lied that my number was still working and he could reach me anytime, but I knew in my heart that we wouldn’t be talking.

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The guilt became even worse, and I think it’s because I’m so happy with Tim. I’m afraid that karma might come back to pinch me later down the line. I tell him everything, and when we talked about this, he said that though what I did was cowardly, I should just let it go and not try to force the conversation. I suspected it was because he was a little jealous of Tobe, but it allowed me to convince myself that continuing to avoid confronting my guilt about Tobe was the right thing to do.

I would still choose Tim all over again. We’re still together, and our relationship only keeps getting better and stronger. I just wish that I had been gentler with Tobe’s heart, and I was brave enough to end things without hurting him too badly. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I had to follow my heart. I had to go to my true love.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Owolola* (29) and Becky* (26) started as co-workers in a government office in 2024, bonding over long hours, inside jokes, and lunch breaks.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how their friendship evolved into romance, navigating family disapproval , and why they’re determined to build a future together anyway.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Owolola: We met at our civil service job when I relocated to Lagos in September 2024. She was the only person who seemed like my age mate. When we started talking, I found out she’d only been around for a year, yet she took me under her wing and helped me navigate the new office environment.

Becky: I liked him the moment I met him because I have a thing for stylish men. He always came to work dressed like he had somewhere special to go, which was refreshing to see. He wasn’t like the other middle-aged men in the department who barely paid attention to their appearance.

We hit it off since we worked closely together for long hours. In between, we went for lunch and overshared details about our lives. That was how I found out he’d been married before. I was really surprised because he didn’t look like it at all. But that wasn’t the only discovery that shook me.

What else?

Becky: He was a widower. I don’t think he planned to tell me that early, but I sort of pressured him to. It wasn’t intentional, though.

Owolola: We’d grown close, and even though I told her I’d been married, I didn’t mention how it ended. She’d make comments suggesting I left the marriage because I wanted to explore what’s out there. Toward the end of the first month we met, I had to travel home for my late wife’s remembrance. I didn’t tell her why; I just that I had to sort something out.

A day after I arrived, she called to say there was a headcount at work and our state coordinator had asked about me. That was when I told her.

Any reason you stalled? And did that information change anything?

Owolola: We were still co-workers. We only saw each other at work; I didn’t even know where she lived. I didn’t think I needed to share something that personal yet. Plus, I didn’t want her pity. That’s the first reaction when people find out I’m a young widower.

And it wasn’t different with Becky. She started walking on eggshells around me.

Becky: You don’t meet many widowers in their twenties. I felt an overwhelming sense of pity for him, especially after hearing his wife had died during childbirth.

I noticed he avoided the topic when he returned, so I didn’t bring it up. I had questions— when it happened, if that was the reason he moved to Lagos, if the child made it, if he was seeing anyone — but since he didn’t mention it, I respected his privacy. Still, our friendship grew stronger, and some co-workers even thought we were dating. But it was strictly platonic.

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Right. But when did things move from a platonic relationship to something more?

Owolola: Honestly, I don’t think there was a specific moment. It just happened.

I lost my wife three years ago, and while I was a mess the first year, I eventually started to heal. My parents, and even some of her relatives, never stopped reminding me I was young and should consider marriage again. I got into two relationships, but neither lasted more than a few months. They weren’t bad people; I just wasn’t ready.

With Becky, I was. Moving to Lagos and starting a new job gave me a fresh start. The week we closed for the year, Becky visited me at home for the first time. One thing led to another, and we got intimate. It didn’t feel wrong. It happened again, and we just sort of started dating. There was no official asking out.

Becky: The attraction had been there since his first week at work. With how close we’d become, I knew we’d ultimately sleep together. I just wasn’t sure about a relationship since we worked in the same place.

But here we are. We went from having sex to calling each other “babe,” spending weekends together, and basically dating. There was no “I’ll think about it” phase.

Sweet. But how did you feel about him being a widower? Did you think he’d moved on?

Becky: I didn’t think much about it, maybe because there’s no child in the picture. It was easier to commit knowing he wasn’t still tied to that part of his life. Like he said, it felt like he was getting a fresh start, and I chose to see it that way too. However, my family doesn’t feel the same way. They’re not fans of our relationship.

Oh.

Becky: Everything was fine until my mum heard about Owolola’s late wife.

Owolola: Now that she mentions it, that was part of why my last relationship ended. Her mum did some prayers and told her we had no future together. I didn’t argue. When she left, I let her.

So when Becky and I started dating, I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her family that early. They were warm at first, but after she told them, everything changed. Even though I see how hard she fights for us, I sometimes wish she’d waited.

What sort of difference did you notice?

Owolola: The calls and endearments stopped. Her mum used to call and even ask to speak with me whenever Becky was around. She’d end the call with “omo mi” and all those sweet things.

A week after she found out, the calls stopped. When I finally called her, she was distant and kept her responses brief. I knew things had changed. I also feared they’d pressure Becky to end things.

Becky: I’ve always told my parents about whoever I’m dating. That’s how they raised us — even my brothers. They know the relationship might not lead to marriage, but they prefer being in the loop.

As much as I understood his concerns, I thought my parents would look past this, especially because he’s still young and has no children. But my mum wasn’t having it. For her, the fact that he’s a widower is the biggest red flag. She says it’s a bad omen to start life with tragedy, and I shouldn’t tie myself to it.

My dad didn’t say much at first, but she’s since influenced him. He’s more subtle about it, but every now and then, he hints that I can find better if I keep looking.

Curious, how does all of this make you feel, Owolola?

Owolola: I understand her family, but it doesn’t make it any less sad.

Nigerian parents are something else. After my wife’s passing, my mum insisted on attending church programmes to seek spiritual protection. Even though it was clearly a medical issue, she didn’t believe it was ordinary for me to become a widower so young.

If my own mum thinks her son is spiritually jinxed, it’s easier to understand where Becky’s parents are coming from. She’s never been married, and I get why they wouldn’t want her to marry someone like me. Still, what’s kept us going is how much we’ve both stayed committed to each other.

Our families are beginning to see we’re serious. I think they’re slowly moving towards acceptance. Becky’s mum even invites us to church programmes now and gets upset if we don’t show up.

I see.

Owolola: We really care about each other. Where I was unsure with my past “situationships”, I feel certain about Becky. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

Nice. Outside of family issues, how has the last year been for you both?

Betty: It’s been beautiful. The fact that we’ve stayed together despite everything proves we can face anything and come out stronger.

Some people would’ve walked away, but I think there’s value in starting a relationship on a rocky note. It helps you see if the other person is truly in it for you or just for the vibes.

Leaving would’ve been the easiest thing for either of us, but he stayed. Even when my parents changed, he didn’t stop checking on them and showing them the same love he shows me. It makes me fall in love with him over and over again.

Owolola: Everything she said. What she didn’t add is how much the past year has taught us about each other. I know what she looks like when she’s angry, happy, sad, scared, inspired… I didn’t have to wait months to see those sides of her.

I know her comfort food, her favourite restaurants and shows, and she knows everything that makes me tick. It’s been an interesting journey.

Does working together ever get in the way?

Owolola: Not really. People know we’re close, but I don’t think they suspect anything beyond friendship. And even if they do, we wouldn’t be the first civil servants to date at work. I know senior colleagues who work alongside their wives. If anything, it makes things easier.

Becky: Plus, it’s hard enough to get into the civil service, so why would either of us leave? I’ve heard stories of couples deciding who should quit because they work together; that’s not our story.

Screaming. Owolola, you mentioned wanting to spend your life with Becky. Do you think you’re ready for the leap into marriage again?

Owolola: I think I am. I’ve had enough time to sit with my grief and accept that it’s okay to move on. Death is the most natural thing, and from my Christian perspective, no one leaves until it’s truly their time.

But I’ve been honest with Becky about my fears around childbearing. That’s what scares me most. I don’t know if I want to go through that again, especially since I’m not the one carrying the child. I don’t want to put my partner through that risk. We’re still figuring it out.

Becky: I definitely want children, but I also understand his fears. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. God will be in control. That’s all I can say for now.

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Got it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Owolola: A 10. I love how we have each other’s backs. I don’t have to think twice about it, I just know this woman always wants the best for me.

Becky: I’ll give us a 9. I already love boyfriend Owolola. I can’t wait to see what husband Owolola has in store for me.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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There’s a long-running joke on Nigerian social media that some men secretly enjoy dating mean women —the ones who keep them on their toes and stress them out enough just to keep things interesting. But when does that stop being playful and start looking like actual wickedness? We asked five Nigerian men what they really think about dating partners like this and if they’ve ever been on the receiving end. Here’s what they had to say.

“I don’t like mean women anymore” — Chibuzor*, 27

After spending three months constantly being in the wrong, Chibuzor learned that he didn’t really like “wicked women” after all.

“ I don’t go near self-proclaimed “wicked girls” again. I used to think it was hot when a babe showed me small pepper to spice things up, but I’ve outgrown it.

I dated one in 2022 for three months, and she nearly drove me mad. I said “sorry” every day in that relationship. She’d get angry over small things — like me not sounding excited enough to see her, or spending time with my older sister. When she got angry, she’d ignore me for days, while I begged her to respond to my messages.

One day, she got into another anger fit again and blocked me everywhere. Instead of begging, I used the escape route. I only move to nice women now, I’ve learned my lesson.”

“She used my emotions against me“ — Emmanuel*, 38

Emmanuel recounts how his abusive relationship with his ex has made him avoid similar women.

“ I dated one of these wicked types for six years, and constantly butted heads. I thought it was passion at first, but after five years, I saw the truth: the relationship was unhealthy and draining..

She’d ghost me for a week, and when I asked why, she’d say, ‘I don’t like when men are too relaxed.’ She knew I cared, but it felt like she was always yanking my emotional chain. When she wanted something, she’d be sweet. Other times, she’d insult me or compare me to other guys who wanted her.

I really wanted to try to make things work, but she wouldn’t compromise on anything. We split last year.

I’m seeing someone new now, and I haven’t felt this relaxed in years. I think we’re a better match in terms of personality. We rarely fight, and even when we disagree, she never raises her voice at me. Nice girls for the win, please.”

“They’re fun if you aren’t dating them” — Collins*, 29

Collin’s short-lived relationship during his service year made him swear off wicked babes for life.

“Babes like that are only fun if you’re not dating them. They’re entertaining in small doses, but once you enter, you’ll know pepper pass pepper.

I had a thing with one during NYSC. She had a man who did everything for her, but I was her side piece for four months. I didn’t even know I was the side until she stayed over one day and I stumbled on some texts with him.

When I confronted her, she wasn’t apologetic. She even and bragged about the things he did for her. I ended things immediately, but it sent me down a dark emotional path.

Since then, I’ve promised myself never to be with a person who makes me feel that way again. I’ve only dated one person since then, but we didn’t work out because she relocated.. She was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met. ”

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“Wickedness is not a cute personality trait” —Tobi*, 29

Tobi hasn’t dated a mean person yet, but recognises the red flags and avoids them.

“I don’t mind a woman who’s strict or assertive, but wicked? No. Wickedness isn’t a cute personality trait. That’s somebody who’ll treat you terribly and possibly traumatise you. I haven’t dated anyone like that, but I can recognise the signs. For instance, a major red flag is anyone who immediately resorts to name-calling during disagreements. I avoid them like mad.”

“I like when they’re wicked to everyone else but me” — Seun*, 22

Seun admits he has a soft spot for women with a mean streak, even though he’s been hurt in the past.

“I love women who have a mean streak. Not wicked to me, but the ones who are mean to everyone else.

I once dated a girl for three months who ignored people around me and only said hi to me. When I asked why after the first time, she said she didn’t want to be friends with my friends. I was shocked, but I liked it. It made me feel special.

She eventually showed me shege at the end. She said I gave her the ick because of a joke I posted on my WhatsApp status about fighting for food at a funeral. The next day, she blocked me everywhere. I still ran into her in school, but she acted like we were strangers.

It hurt, but I’d still do it again. It was a nice experience while it lasted.”

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“I want to find a babe that’s nice like me” — Seyi*, 26

After constantly getting anxious when his ex reached out, Seyi only wants an emotionally open person now.

“I used to think wicked girls were hot because they’re usually the assertive type, but I think I was blinded by youth.

I dated a babe for a few months last year and omo, never again.

I liked this babe a lot, but it was as if there was nothing I could do to convince her I liked her. If I hugged a female friend, it could mean the silent treatment. If I missed her call and didnt respond in ten minutes, I knew I was getting a nasty text where she would rain insults on me. At first, I thought I was being a bad boyfriend and tried to keep up, but I started getting anxious when she reached out.

I felt so bad sometimes, I would be up all night, scared I had done something to annoy or upset her, which was why she wasn’t replying. I had o break up with her when I couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t take it well, she cursed me out and blocked me.

Now, guarded babes hold zero appeal for me. I want to find a babe that’s emotionally open and nice like me.”

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ALSO READ: 9 Nigerian Men, 1 Question: What Does The Bro Code Mean to You?

At 21, Mercy* has experienced different shades of love: the thrill of her first relationship, the sting of unreciprocated effort, and the guilt of leading someone on. In this story, she reflects on the lessons each one taught her and how her experiences have impacted how she sees love.

What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single and searching for someone I genuinely like who feels the same way about me. But so far, my dating experiences have been mostly disappointing.

Walk me through your dating life. How did you get here?

I didn’t start dating until my second year of uni in 2023, when I met Prince*. We were classmates before I switched departments. One day, he walked up to me while I was buying food and struck up a conversation. Soon, we were chatting almost every day.

We were basically in a situationship.I avoided making it official because we’d become so close within a few weeks. Then, on his birthday in August, we fought after he checked my phone and saw I was talking to other people. I felt guilty for ruining his day, so the next time he asked me out, I said yes.

How did that relationship go?

It was nice at first, but I soon noticed traits that made me realise we wouldn’t last. He made a lot of money from “yahoo yahoo”, but never spent on me.

One time, I even helped him message a client after he fell asleep. He cashed out over a million naira, and I expected him to appreciate me, but he just went silent. I was his girlfriend, yet he couldn’t even share his win. If it were the other way around, I would’ve celebrated with him. That hurt me deeply.

Another issue was the emotional disconnect. I’m expressive, but he never met me halfway. I once wrote him a handwritten letter about how I felt, and instead of appreciating it, he asked what I expected him to do with it. That was when I realised he wasn’t my person.

After a while, I started to lose interest. There was a guy in my lodge, Abel*, who often flirted with me. He was more romantic and emotionally open, and I was drawn to that. The more I compared them, the clearer it became that Abel and I were more compatible. So, in November 2023, I ended things with Prince and started a fling with Abel.

What was being with Abel like?

I felt more comfortable with him since we had known each other longer. We’d been friends since 2022. When things started falling apart with Prince, we got closer — hanging out, spending nights in each other’s rooms, and eventually sleeping together.

At first, I did not have real feelings for him. I just enjoyed how much he liked me. But over time, his affection turned into obsession.

How so?

He was jealous and controlling. Once, we went out to buy food, and I laughed at something another guy said. He came back angry and picked a fight. He always wanted to go through my phone and even messaged one of my male friends to warn him off.

At the start of 2024, I found out he had cloned my phone. I got a notification that a laptop had logged into my account. A friend helped me check, and we saw it was his device. Even after I confronted him, he insisted he had the right to know what I was up to.

It scared me, but detaching wasn’t easy. We broke up and got back together a few times until it finally ended in July 2024.

Phew. How did your love life look after that?

I didn’t stay single for long. A few weeks after we broke up, I met David* during a retreat at a hotel. He was also a student from my school, and I’d always had a crush on him because he was handsome. We started hanging out and had sex.

But as soon as I got back to school, the red flags appeared. He smoked a lot, and most of our time together revolved around sex. It wasn’t long before I realised I wasn’t the only woman in the picture.

One day, I picked up his phone and saw a message from another girl saying she enjoyed the sex they had had a few days earlier. I was with him the day before. When I confronted him, he kicked me out of his place.

He ignored me for days until he wanted to see me again. He made a case for himself and claimed that even though he slept with her, I was the one he liked. I foolishly believed him.

Hmm.

He’d often ask me for money, and I’d send it. He used that same money to buy weed and take out other girls. I loved him the most, and that made it hard to leave.

When I left for my internship in October, our communication started fading. I still made the effort to keep things going, but when we finally met again months later, it was because he wanted to ask me for money. That was my breaking point. I realised he was just using me. I stopped putting in effort, and the whole thing died slowly.

Earlier this year, David tried to rekindle things. I made him beg — the same way I used to — then I blocked him. It felt really good.

Did you meet anyone new afterwards?

At the start of this year, I met Tony* online. Even though I told him I wasn’t interested, he didn’t stop pursuing me. I stopped pushing back when he began sending me money.

He believes we’ve been in a relationship since July, but I’m just playing along because of the financial help. I haven’t even met him in person. There’s no emotional connection for me. He also tries too hard to please me and has no mind of his own, which isn’t what I want from a partner.

I feel guilty sometimes because I know I’m leading him on. I even tried to like him back, but it’s just not happening. So I’ve decided to keep things this way until I’m done with school later this year. Since I consider myself single, I’ve been exploring other sexual connections that actually interest me.

I see. So, how would you say these experiences have shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I’ve learned that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Their actions will always make it clear. If you’re confused about how someone feels, it probably means they’re not into you. Don’t rationalise it.

Even though I’ve had bad experiences, I still believe in love. But I’ve also realised I’m not a saint and recognise my own toxic patterns.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d rate it a 5/10. Being single has its perks — I have options and freedom — but I still want to love someone who genuinely reciprocates my feelings.

Share your story here

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For some men, the bro code is a sacred set of unspoken rules that keeps friendships from falling apart. For others, it’s a running joke; something people throw around when they don’t want to be held accountable. But whether it’s about loyalty, privacy, or steering clear of your guy’s ex, everyone seems to have their own version of what it means.

We asked nine Nigerian men to share what the “bro code” means to them, and as expected, they didn’t all agree.

**“We didn’t call it bro code in our time, but we lived by it” — Joseph*, 45**

Joseph laughs when he hears the phrase “bro code.” It’s not something he grew up saying, but he understands the idea behind it.

“In my generation, we didn’t call it bro code, but we had our own way of standing up for each other. If your guy was broke, you supported him. If he got into trouble, you showed up. If his woman left him, you didn’t spread the gist. That was how we moved.

These days, young people talk about the bro code all the time, but they’re the first to break it. You’ll see someone shouting ‘loyalty’ online, but in real life, he’s gossiping about his friend. Back then, your actions spoke for you. You didn’t need to say ‘I’ve got your guy’s back,’ you just showed it.

For me, being a real friend has always been about respect. You don’t cross certain lines. You don’t sleep with your friend’s woman, you don’t humiliate him in front of others, and you definitely don’t betray his trust. We didn’t need a fancy word like bro code to describe that; it was just how we were raised.”

**“Bro code is about respecting unspoken boundaries” — Victor*, 27**

For Victor, bro code isn’t about being blindly loyal or always covering for your guys. He thinks it’s about understanding limits, reading the room, and keeping respect intact both ways. To him, it’s less a list of dos and don’ts and more about emotional intelligence among men.

“I think people overhype bro code. It’s not some sacred rulebook that says you have to die on your friend’s hill or lie for him just because you’re ‘bros’. For me, it’s about respecting unspoken boundaries.

Like, don’t overstep. Don’t share private things your guy told you in confidence. Don’t flirt with his partner or his sister, not even jokingly. Don’t bring your friend’s matter up in public or with people who aren’t close to him. And if he tells you something personal, don’t turn it into gist for the group chat. That’s bro code to me.

I also think people forget that respect goes both ways. Your guy should know what’s appropriate to share with you, too. I have friends who overshare about their relationships, and sometimes I tell them, ‘Guy, I don’t need to know all that.’ Because if it ever goes south, I don’t want to be in the middle of awkwardness or be expected to pick sides.

Bro code doesn’t mean covering up nonsense or pretending your guy is right when he’s wrong. It just means handling things quietly, respectfully, and without drama. Even if I have to call you out, I’ll do it privately, not in front of others. That’s how we maintain balance.

At the end of the day, I think every friendship has its own version of bro code. For some people, it’s loyalty. For others, it’s secrecy. For me, it’s boundaries. I don’t think I can have a lasting friendship with any guy who doesn’t understand that.”

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**“My friends’ sisters are off limits. Always” — Yemi*, 31**

Yemi learned the hard way that friendship and family don’t always mix. After a relationship that ruined a long-time friendship, he made a personal rule about dating within the circle.

“I was in uni when I dated my closest friend’s younger sister. We were always hanging out in the same group, and things just happened. At first, my guy didn’t even mind. He teased me about it and told me to behave myself. But after the breakup, everything changed.

He felt betrayed, and honestly, I could understand. He said it wasn’t even about the relationship; it was about how awkward everything became after. He couldn’t trust me around his family anymore. And for me, that friendship was never the same. We tried to patch things up, but you can’t force comfort.

Since then, my friends’ sisters are no-go areas. And they know not to try that rubbish with mine either. I tell everyone upfront that it’s a line I won’t cross again. For me, that’s what bro code is about: respecting boundaries. Once you break that, everything else starts to crumble.”

**“I think the bro code is overrated” — Chibuzo*, 26**

At 26, Chibuzo doesn’t believe in keeping silent just because it’s what friends are “supposed” to do. He thinks a lot of what men call bro code is simply protecting bad behaviour.

“Half the time, the bro code is just an excuse for nonsense. Like when a guy cheats and his friends cover for him — that’s not loyalty, that’s foolishness. Or when a friend is messing up and everyone stays quiet because you don’t want to be seen as a snitch.

I believe in respect and honesty, not blind loyalty. If you’re my guy and you mess up, I’ll tell you. If you disrespect someone, I’ll call you out. That’s how real friendships grow. But I’ve noticed that most guys prefer comfort over truth; they want you to keep quiet and just ‘stand by the bros.’ That’s not me.

And don’t even get me started on how the bro code stops men from being vulnerable. Guys are dying in silence because they’ve been told ‘real men don’t talk.’ For me, the real bro code should be about caring for your guys, not covering for them. If we can’t be honest with each other, what’s the point?”

**“Bro code is about respect, not competition” — Toluwani*, 28**

Toluwani doesn’t believe the bro code has one definition that fits everyone. For him, it’s more about mutual respect and understanding the boundaries that make a friendship work.

“To me, bro code depends on the people involved and the level of respect between them. The way I apply it with one person might not be the same way I apply it with another.

In a nutshell, it means prioritising your friend over anything else — especially if you knew him before you started your relationship. It’s also about respect: not going after the same woman your friend wants, not chasing his ex, and definitely not sharing his secrets to score points with other people.

I think of bro code as an agreement that says, ‘I’ve got you, and you’ve got me.’ It’s not about being loyal blindly; it’s about protecting your friendship and showing that you value your guy enough not to compete with him.”

**“Bro code is about having each other’s backs no matter what” — Japhet*, 30**

For Japhet, the bro code isn’t some unwritten rule passed around in group chats; it’s a lifestyle of loyalty. His idea of it means protecting your guys at all costs, even when they’re wrong.

“In a few words, bro code is about protecting your bro’s interests. But there’s a lot more to it than that.

For my best friend and me, it’s mostly about covering for each other. That’s something we’ve done countless times, especially when we were both dating different people. No matter what, we always made sure to have each other’s backs.

Another thing is that we never correct each other in public. Even if he’s wrong, I’ll back him there and then, and we’ll talk about it later in private. That’s how deep the loyalty goes.”

**“A bro is a bro, loyalty doesn’t expire” — Hamid*, 31**

For Hamid, bro code boils down to one word: loyalty. Whether or not it’s deserved doesn’t really matter. Once someone has earned the title of “bro,” the code applies even if the friendship fades over time.

“Bro code means loyalty, whether or not it’s deserved. As long as there’s a bro connection, it doesn’t matter if it’s still strong or already stale. A bro is a bro.

But not everyone deserves that ‘holding them accountable’ energy. There are levels to this bro thing. Some guys are just there — you keep them at arm’s length, and deep down, you’re just waiting for them to mess up so you can create distance.

With those kinds of people, the code is simple: never be caught talking behind them or trying to explain your side of the story to others, especially when it’s not a reconciliation talk. People know what they’re doing.

Any bro wey don fuck up will feel the distance. And if he doesn’t bother to ask what’s wrong, that means the act was deliberate.”

**“Bro code means being there for your guy without judgement” — Demola*, 35**

For Demola, bro code isn’t something you recite; it’s something you live by. It’s about loyalty; showing up for your guy when it counts and keeping your lips sealed when needed.

“Bro code to me means being there for your guy and not judging them. Sometimes, your guy might mess up, but instead of being the one to condemn him, you help him figure it out. You might have to keep a few secrets here and there — not the harmful kind, but the ones that protect your guy’s peace.

At the end of the day, it’s about being true to the person, being objective, and standing by them even when you don’t agree with what they did. That’s bro code to me.”

**“If you mess up, I won’t code anything” — Deji*, 28**

Deji isn’t big on the sentimental idea of bro code. For him, it’s not a sacred bond or a lifelong oath; it’s just a set of common-sense rules that keep friendships from becoming messy. He believes in loyalty, but not at the expense of accountability.

“The bro code doesn’t mean all that much to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t live by some of them, but at the core, if you mess up, I won’t code anything. I can’t defend nonsense just because we’re friends.

But since we’re on it, there are some basics I expect my guy to honour. If you see me outside with a different babe, keep quiet and mind your business. But if you see my babe with someone else, I need to know ASAP, that level of loyalty is important.

I also don’t think you should ever be caught badmouthing me to others. If I ask for help and you can assist, do what you can without making me feel small about it. And my female relatives? Off limits. The same goes for my girlfriend; you can’t even try to hit on her. My exes, too. Someone once tried that shit with me, and I cut him off immediately.

If you commit serious atrocities and tell me, I’ll keep the secret. But if the matter casts publicly, best believe I’ll speak against you if necessary. Bro code shouldn’t be used to defend stupidity.”

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Excerpt: Blood is thicker than water, but I can’t keep saving him.

Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

For over four decades, Gani* (64) has watched his brother, Sanni* (60), abandon his responsibilities with little consequence; from leaving apprenticeships to walking out on his wives and child.

After years of cleaning up his messes, he finally reached a breaking point. When Sanni called on his birthday in 2023 with yet another request, it was the last straw.

What was the moment that made you realise you had to cut off your brother?

I had the bitter realisation in June 2023. I thought Sanni was calling me to wish me a happy birthday, but as soon as we were done exchanging pleasantries, he asked if he could come to Ife to spend two months with me and my family. I wanted to say “yes”, then I remembered this was his M.O. when he wanted to abandon his family and make them my responsibility. So I told him to lose my number.

Wow. What was your relationship with your brother like growing up?

We were very close growing up. My father had three wives and sixteen children; we had no choice but to have each other’s backs in that house. Together, we dodged the rival wives and their unfair punishments as much as we could. The big issue was our mother coddled us a lot to compensate for the bad treatment we suffered from our father and the other wives. I don’t think it had such a harmful effect on me, but it ruined my brother’s capacity to be accountable.

How do you mean?

I remember my father telling my mother that he could only afford to train one child from each wife to the secondary school certificate level. Being the first son, I was automatically chosen, and my brother had to work on the farm with our other half-siblings, who didn’t get to go to school.

Did this affect your relationship with him negatively?

No. My mother assured us that once I left school and started working, I would send Sanni to school, so all he had to do was wait. I hated seeing my brother out of school, though, so when I was in Form 3, I begged my father for one of his plantain trees so I could sell its fruit for extra money. He agreed, and after school, I hawked them and saved up the money for Sanni’s education.

My mother was touched by this and chipped in to buy him a uniform. The next year, when I moved to Form 4, Sanni started attending school.

Was it great being in school with your brother?

At first, I was very happy, but things quickly went sour. Sanni hated school. He didn’t have the patience to sit down and learn anything, so he would usually sneak out of his classes. I would beat him when I found out, but my mum would always sneak a big piece of meat or fish into his food that evening to make him feel better. If I complained she was spoiling him, she would say I shouldn’t kill her child for her. We had these problems till he graduated from secondary school in 1983.

Did things get better with Sanni after you both finished school?

Not at all. While I got a scholarship to a polytechnic in 1979 to continue my tertiary education, Sanni had no interest in school. When he graduated he told my parents he wanted to become an apprentice instead, so he started learning with a vulcaniser nearby. He couldn’t commit to his learning and stopped going soon after. He did the same start-and-stop with several other apprenticeships my mother struggled to get him into.

How did this make you feel?

I only heard about these when I came home to visit from school. It annoyed me because I thought he would feel a better sense of responsibility. Not only so he could stand on his own, but so he could chip in to care for our mum because I wanted her to stop going to the farm all the time.

Did you try to speak with him about this?

Several times. But it was like all my words were going into one ear and coming out of the other.

Did he improve his behaviour at all?

He finally finished an apprenticeship as an electrician in the early 90s, and I was relieved. We both got married in 1995 and 1997, respectively, and I relaxed, thinking we had entered the grown-up phases of our lives. I was a factory floor manager in Osun while my brother fixed fridges and other appliances in Akure.

I thought we were doing okay, so I thought nothing of it when my brother called me in 2003 and asked if he could spend a few weeks with me because he was looking to rent a shop in Ife.

How did you take this request?

I was happy to have him come around. I was also happy at the thought of him and his family living close by so we could spend more time together.

He came to my house in January 2003, just after the New Year’s celebrations. A few weeks turned into a few months, and I began to question if Sanni was actually looking for a shop to rent.

Did you try to nudge him for more information?

Yes, I did. He would complain about the rent or say he hadn’t found a good location yet. I pressed him about his family, but he said they were doing well without him. I believed him till I got a call at work one day in May. It was from my sister-in-law.

What did she say?

She was in tears. At the start of the year, Sanni had told her he was going to visit my mother for a few days in Ikare and he would be back with their rent and she hadn’t seen or heard from him after that. I was shocked.

She and my niece hadn’t eaten in days because they didn’t have any more money, and the landlord was breathing down her neck. I quickly organised for one of my younger half-sisters at home to take some money to her and promised to sort out the rent issue.

Did you confront your brother?

I left work early just so I could give him a piece of my mind. I was irritated by his actions.

What was your brother’s explanation?

He gave me a flimsy excuse, saying he felt under a lot of pressure and just needed some time to figure out what he wanted to do. I told him our sister had to take money to his wife because his child hadn’t eaten for days, and he just gave me a sheepish look. I told him he was leaving my house the next day.

How did he take that?

I don’t know, I was too angry to care. I gave him the money for his rent and warned him about taking things more seriously. He assured me that he would make better choices and work harder. Three months later, I started getting letters and calls from my in laws. My brother had married another woman and was living with her.

Ah. How?

I had the same question. Apparently, my brother’s new lady friend was from a well-off family and was showering him with gifts, so he left his family high and dry and went to live with her. I couldn’t believe my ears. So I called a family meeting and travelled to Ondo to see for myself.

How did the meeting go?

It was a disaster. My brother attended with his new wife. He smugly declared he wasn’t interested in his first marriage any longer and that he and his new woman would start a new family. Chaos ensued. Unfortunately, my mother supported my brother. She said we couldn’t force him to stay in his marriage if he wasn’t happy.

Omo. What did your in-laws say?

They said they wouldn’t beg anyone to marry their daughter and took her and my niece back with them. I felt embarrassed by my brother’s actions and offered to pay for my niece’s education. My in-laws accepted, and that cooled tensions between our families a little.

Did this incident strain your relationship with your brother?

Yes, it did. I was very disappointed in him. I think he sensed this because he begged and asked that he and his new wife come to visit me in Ife. I grudgingly agreed.

How did that visit go?

They spent a week with my family and me. It wasn’t bad at all. Sanni seemed so happy with his new wife that I was starting to warm up to him again. It only took a year for Sanni to run away from her too.

What happened?

He ran to my house again in September 2004 and said he couldn’t continue with that marriage because she had a high sex drive he couldn’t match. I told him I couldn’t let him stay with me because I didn’t want issues with the new in-laws, and he took that as a betrayal. He went to stay with my mum instead, who pampered him and told him not to worry, to my annoyance.

How did your in-laws take this?

They hounded me for months to mediate, but I was determined not to get involved, so I offered to put his second wife on a small allowance till she remarried or didn’t need it anymore. My in-laws agreed, and that was the “end” of that marriage.

Did you reach out to your mother to speak to your brother?

No. I was sure she supported whatever nonsense my brother was up to. I wanted to wash my hands of the matter entirely, so I said nothing. Even that December, when we went to Ondo to visit my mum, I didn’t ask after his wife or how their marriage was doing. I just focused on my mum.

Did your brother try to patch things up with you?

Many times, he bought a cell phone and would send me texts about us being stronger together, and other texts begging us to get back to being close.

Did your relationship with him improve at all?

Our relationship changed for the better around 2008. Sanni remarried another lady, a nice girl from our village, in 2007. He seemed to take his electrician work seriously. Their rent was always paid, and they had twin boys in 2009. Sanni was over the moon. He was even saving up to buy a piece of land. I was proud of my little brother.

What changed?

The usual, he suddenly got restless. His wife called me in 2019 and said she was afraid because my brother wanted to close up his electrician business to become a prophet. I was confused.

Did you try to ask him what that was about?

I didn’t even want to know his rationale. I called him and told him that if he abandoned this new family, I would disown him.

How did he react?

I think it scared him because he stopped talking about prophets and prophecies and went back to work. I thought all was well until 2023.

Tell me what happened.

He called me on my birthday, and we talked for a bit. As soon as we were done with the small talk, he asked if he could visit and spend a few months at my house. I wanted to say yes at first, but I remembered the last two times he paid me a long visit. I knew he was planning another one of his abandonment routines, so I told him to delete my number.

How did he react?

He became angry and insulted me. He claimed that since our mother passed away in 2010, I had been looking for a way to cut him off. He also claimed that I was a bad older brother for not allowing him to heed God’s call.

How did you react to that?

His insults rolled off me like water off a duck’s back. At the time, I was paying his second wife’s monthly stipends and still seeing my niece through school. I still had my own family to think about. I wasn’t willing to take up even one more of his responsibilities. I insisted that if he was truly angry with me, he would delete my number and chase his dream regardless, but I wasn’t housing him for any reason.

What has your relationship with him been like since then?

We’ve become distant. It feels like our relationship is hollow. Sanni is still with his family, but I’m afraid that it’s only a matter of time before he tries to abandon them again. He complains to my wife sometimes about feeling bad for ignoring God’s call to life as a prophet, but I don’t care. If distancing myself is the only way he will learn, then so be it.

Do you think your relationship with him could recover?

Yes, but I need to see that he’s serious about taking care of his family. His lack of accountability as a man has far-reaching consequences. He has to learn to see things through. I hope he’s learning his lesson.

If you could change one thing about this situation with your brother, what would it be?

I would have put my foot down more when we were children. Letting my mum reinforce that he could dodge the consequences of his actions is why we’re where we are today. I love my brother dearly, but these dodgy habits are something I can no longer accept. We’re getting too old for this.

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Calista* (29) never really had a clear picture of what marriage would look like. After years of dating and realising no one is perfect, she expected it to be a mix of love and compromise. What she didn’t expect was how much she’d have to learn about boundaries, especially with in-laws who love deeply and show up often.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about falling in love with an imperfect man, navigating life with a close-knit extended family, and why she’s still learning that love alone isn’t enough to keep a marriage steady.

This is a look into her marriage diary.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

I didn’t imagine what marriage would be like

If I’m being honest, I didn’t have a strong picture of what marriage would look like before I got here. I was never one of those girls who dreamt of wedding dresses or built Pinterest boards about marriage. Yeah, as a teenager, I watched lots of romcoms and read romance novels, and I definitely thought love would be like that — a Prince Charming who sweeps you off your feet and does no wrong.

But my first experience with dating quickly burst that bubble. It was in SS3, and honestly, we were both immature. We had no business being in a relationship. The whole thing was so ridiculous that it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I’m grateful for that experience because it was my first real reality check that romance in movies and books isn’t the same as romance in real life.

By the time I got to university, I dated a couple of people, but it was always the same story: you meet someone, think they’re perfect, and a few months later, they start to unravel. You both move on, and the cycle continues. After a while, I stopped fantasising about “forever.” All of that made it hard to picture marriage in the grand, romantic way most people do.

Love is just two imperfect people choosing each other

Looking back, I think my views on marriage came more from experience than anything else. My early teenage years were shaped by all the movies and novels that sold the idea of a perfect love story. But by the time I’d had a few relationships, that dream was gone.

I started to see love as choosing someone whose flaws you can live with for as long as possible. Marriage, in my head, wasn’t about butterflies anymore; it was about managing imperfections and showing up, even when it wasn’t rosy.

My husband is a good man. In fact, he’s the best. But I’ll be lying if I say he’s perfect. When we started dating, he ticked all the boxes — kind, patient, handsome, attentive, thriving in his career. For the first two or three years, I thought I’d found my Prince Charming after all. But by the fourth year, as we began to talk about marriage, I started to see a side of him I wasn’t used to.

My husband is deeply family-oriented; maybe too much. During our wedding planning, I noticed how his siblings, cousins, uncles, and aunties all had a say in our plans. Everyone wanted something, and he couldn’t say no. He’d tell me, “That’s how my family is, we love each other.” I understood, but sometimes, love needs boundaries.

To be fair, my in-laws are genuinely sweet. I love being around them. But even now, I still feel like my husband forgets that we’re building our own family. I was already in too deep when I realised this side of him, so I’ve had to learn to accommodate it. It’s one of those imperfections you just learn to live with.

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I almost ran away on my wedding morning

Everything seemed to be going wrong, and somehow, my husband was in the middle of it. He’d sent the driver meant to take me to church to pick up a relative instead. The place wasn’t far, but I thought it was unfair because that person could’ve ordered a ride. Then I found out he’d given one of his cousins the glasses we were supposed to use for our photoshoot. They sound like small things, but what got to me was how he found it hard to say no to people, even when it inconvenienced him.

He called me that morning to pray and say all those sweet words people say before weddings, but I was cold. I barely responded. When he hung up, the guilt hit me hard. I remember sitting quietly for a few minutes, asking myself if this was really how I wanted to start my marriage — angry at a man who clearly adored me but didn’t always know how to draw the line.

Eventually, I decided to let it go. I wasn’t going to let my anger ruin one of the most beautiful days of our lives. That moment taught me something about marriage: sometimes, you’ll have to choose peace over being right.

Nobody warns you about in-laws

Growing up, I didn’t really see much of my dad’s family because he wasn’t in a good place with them. So my mum didn’t have to deal with in-laws. We had the occasional uncle or cousin visit, but that was it. Because of that, I never really imagined I’d have to “navigate” in-laws.

During my relationship, my husband’s family was super nice to me. His mum invited me over, and his siblings called me “sister.” Even before marriage, they treated me like one of them. I didn’t mind. In fact, I enjoyed the warmth. But once we got married, things shifted a little.

My husband’s family is very close-knit. They check in all the time, they visit often, and they have opinions about everything. One time, one of his nephews needed somewhere to stay in Lagos, and before I could even process it, my husband had offered our mini flat. I didn’t like it, not because I hate guests, but because we had just one bedroom. Still, I kept quiet. I didn’t want to be the wife who keeps the family away.

But it gets exhausting sometimes. Even when I voice out, I can tell my husband thinks I’m being unfair. I know he loves me, and I love him too, but it feels like I’m constantly learning to share him with his family.

I don’t think my husband is wrong for being close to his family. In fact, I admire it. But there are days when I just want him to say, “No, we can’t do that right now.” It’s tricky because I know how much his family loves me. They call, they check up on me, they treat me like their own. I just wish there was a balance between being the family’s golden child and being my husband.

Marriage has made me lose and gain parts of myself

I’ve definitely changed. Before marriage, I was a little more assertive. I didn’t think twice before drawing boundaries. But now, I’m learning to bend a bit to meet people halfway. Sometimes, I stop myself from reacting too quickly.

At the same time, I’ve also gained a new level of self-awareness. I’ve learned that I can be patient. I’ve learned that I can love people even when they don’t behave how I expect. And I’ve learned that marriage isn’t about proving points, it’s about finding a balance with another person and holding on to it.

Sometimes, I stop and ask myself if I’m being too rigid. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand what it means to be in a large, loving family. My mother never had to deal with in-laws, so maybe I just didn’t grow up seeing this kind of closeness. I’m trying to unlearn that mindset and see the love behind it.

So yes, I’ve lost some parts of myself — my fierce independence, my quick reactions — but I’ve also gained a softer side. I’m learning to listen more and talk less.

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Love isn’t enough; you need friendship, kindness and respect

If I could talk to my unmarried self, I’d tell her to ask questions — lots of them. Talk to people who’ve been married for years, not the ones who sugarcoat it but those who tell the truth. Marriage is not an extension of dating. It’s deeper, more layered, and sometimes, more confusing.

I’d also tell her not to assume that love will automatically teach her everything. You have to study marriage the same way you study a subject you want to master. Ask, listen, observe.

You need an equal mix of love, understanding, respect, and kindness. “I love you” is easy to say, but what matters is how it shows up in the way someone speaks to you, shows up for you, or holds space for you.

My husband is not perfect, but he’s kind and patient. And even when his love feels overwhelming or inconvenient, I can still see that it’s real. That, to me, is what keeps a marriage going. Not perfect love, but love that’s willing to grow, even when it’s being tested.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Nothing prepares you for how bad a friendship breakup can hurt. For some, the pain can cut deeper than any romantic breakup could have done. One day, you’re inseparable, like siblings and the next, you’re strangers. Sometimes, the people we trust the most are the ones who end up breaking our hearts the hardest.

These Nigerians open up about the friendship breakups that changed how they see loyalty, and friendship forever.

“I opened my home to her, but she planned to rob me” — Kemi*, 59, F

Kemi thought she had found a lifelong friend in her co-worker, but her true colours left Kemi shocked and heartbroken.

“In 2010, I got very close to a co-worker, Lade*, who I met at my new job at an IT firm. In 2012, she got a sudden eviction notice from her landlord and didn’t know where to stay while she looked for a new place to live. I immediately invited offered for her to stay with me and my family in the interim. What was supposed to be a week-long stay turned into three years. I didn’t mind it; to me, she had become a part of our family.

In 2015, everything changed. One Saturday, I was sitting at home when a group of police officers came to the house with Lade and someone else in handcuffs. They had been caught trying to contract some street urchins as armed robbers to come to my house and steal the new Jeep my husband had bought. I was shocked to the core. This was someone that my husband and I were discussing buying a car for the following year as a gift, because of how good we thought she was. I heard her family bailed her out of jail a while later, but I made sure to cut her out of my life completely. I sent all her property to one of her family members and blocked her number and social profiles.

I withdrew from everyone after that. It was hard to accept that I was so open with someone willing to put the lives of my children and husband in danger over a car.”

“He let another person’s lies come between us” — Lanre*, 38, M

Lanre was left broken when his friend believed another person’s lie over his own account.

“My best friend Jibril* and I have been tight since we were thirteen. He was my brother in every sense of the word. We even lived together as flatmates after graduating from university.

In 2019, one of our mutual friends grew jealous of our closeness. He wanted to be closer to Jibril, but apparently, I was in the way. So he connived with Jibril’s ex, who hated me, and they both lied that she cheated with me during their relationship.

When Jibril confronted me with this accusation, I denied it immediately, but he didn’t believe me. Blinded by his anger, he moved out of our apartment a few weeks later. The fact that he didn’t believe me cut me deep. I thought all our years together meant he would have more trust in me, but I was wrong.

We hardly speak now that he has moved out, and I feel the vacuum he left in my life. I miss him a lot, but I don’t know if we can fix our friendship.”

“She kept job opportunities a secret from me” — Debisi*, 28, F

Denisi’s bestie broke her heart when, instead of sharing job opportunities with her, she kept them hidden.

“When Funmi* and I met in 100 level, we gelled instantly. We ended up in the same hostel and before the end of our first semester, everyone in our dorm knew we were joined at the hip. In 300 level, when things became very financially difficult for Funmi’s family, she didn’t even need to ask: I shared my allowance and foodstuff with her till we graduated. It’s not like I had a lot, but I saw her as my sister.. After finishing school, our friendship only grew stronger. In fact, in 2023, when she had a housing crisis, she lived with me for two months while she searched for a new place.

Then in early 2024, we both lost our jobs. While searching for new jobs, I would send her every job opening that I came across. She claimed she did the same for me, but over time, I noticed I was hearing from her less and less. I thought she was getting tired of the constant rejection emails, so I ramped up my search for jobs we could apply to. I called her every other day to encourage her and give updates about my progress, and I assumed she told me about hers as well.

Five months into our job search, she reached out to me, dejected because she had mixed up the dates for an interview she had. She had never mentioned anything about this company, but I thought it just slipped her mind. I calmed her down and wrote a letter for her to send to them to reschedule, which was successful. But she didn’t get the job at the end of the day. I asked her to share the application link with me so I could apply instead, but she said the applications had closed. A short while later, while speaking to a mutual friend, I found out that she not only lied about the application being closed, but she had been keeping the openings she knew about a secret.

I didn’t want to believe it at first. When I asked her about it, she said I shouldn’t expect her to carry my matter on her head, so of course she wouldn’t share jobs she hoped to get with me. When I pointed out that I shared mine with her, she said that was my choice, and she didn’t ask me to share them. It was as if she threw cold water in my face. I haven’t spoken to her since then. It’s been more than a year, but it still hurts as if it were yesterday. I don’t know if I can trust anyone as much as I did Funmi, but I take each day and each friendship as it comes.”

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“He went behind my back and stole my idea” — Joseph*, 32, M

Joseph experienced a betrayal from his best friend that cut so deep that even years later, it still stings.

“More than a decade ago, in 300 level, I told my then-best friend Amos* about my dream to start a graphics and custom printing business when we were done with school. Amos discouraged me from it, saying it would be a waste of my engineering degree. I didn’t give up on the dream despite this.

In final year, I got my first deal to print custom shirts for our department’s finalists after a lot of begging and lobbying. To my shock, my faculty president broke our deal two weeks later because they had found a much cheaper option. It made me sad, but I kept it pushing.

It broke my heart when one of the excos told me it was Amos that brought a cheaper, juicier deal to their table for the shirts. I confronted him about his betrayal and he said it was just the way the business world worked. That conversation marked the end of our friendship. I don’t believe in ‘best friends’ anymore. Even though it happened so long ago, I still remember the pain of that act when I feel myself getting too comfortable with anybody. Anyone with a chance to get one over on you will.”

“She moved abroad and slowly forgot about me” — Sarah*, 29, F

Sarah shares how the slow death of her friendship with Demilade* has hurt her deeply.

“When Demilade* shared that she had gotten a scholarship to pursue her Masters in the US, I was the most elated for her. In fact, when she was about to move, we went shopping together, packed her things together and had a sleepover. I even followed her and her family to the airport to see her off.

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What I didn’t expect was the fall off. At first, we texted each other every day and spoke to each other often, but over time, her replies came later and later. It got to a point where she wouldn’t reply my texts for days. When I tried to have a conversation about it, she said I shouldn’t expect her to abandon her new friends in the US for me.

It felt like she punched me in the stomach. I kept my distance after that and she never tried to bridge it. I sent her a happy birthday message in September, and she replied three weeks later. A simple ‘Thanks.” I keep trying to think about if the sisterhood we shared before she moved abroad was even real. She set me aside like it meant nothing to her. This was the person that asked me to be her chief bridesmaid when we were fourteen, before either of us even had our first crushes. It hurts to have lost her so slowly, but I’m trying to heal and hopefully move on.”

ALSO READ: 5 Nigerian Mothers, 1 Question: Was Your Husband There For You After Childbirth?

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Subomi* (28) and Damilola* (27) met on a WhatsApp movie club in 2023 and sparked a connection through a shared love for good banter and quality films.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about falling for each other after a brief friendship phase, surviving long-distance, and how one awkward bedwetting incident nearly ended their relationship.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Subomi: We met in a movie club on WhatsApp in April 2023. She posted about a series I’d been watching and mentioned her desire to discuss it with someone. I slid into her DMs and dropped one iconic quote from the main character. She replied with an even funnier one. We spent the next couple of days discussing the series, and she recommended others I could watch.

Damilola: The first time I really remembered Subomi was when we spoke on the phone, and we ended up talking all night. We’d been texting, but I didn’t pay much attention because I didn’t even know what he looked like. I mistakenly dialled his number one day, and after texting to apologise, he called back. We just kept talking about movies. He sounded really cool on the phone and knew his way around a computer. Around May, he suggested we see a movie together, and I agreed.

Subomi: Actually, she didn’t agree at first. She kept coming up with excuses until I figured she probably thought I was asking her on a romantic date. She only relaxed after I clarified that it was a harmless hangout and I wasn’t looking for anything more.

Damilola: To be fair, I didn’t want to send mixed signals. You know how men can be. You’re just being nice, and the next thing you know, they’ve drawn a thousand conclusions of their own. I didn’t want that drama at all.

Fair enough. How did the date go?

Subomi: We laughed a lot, ended up watching two movies, and the most interesting bit was how we split the cost. Even though it wasn’t a romantic date, I’d planned to pay for everything, but Damilola wasn’t having it. If I paid for something, she insisted on paying for the next.

Damilola: Like I said, I didn’t want to blur the lines. He was just a platonic friend, and there was no reason for him to handle my bills. Yes, friends splurge on each other, but we were just starting out, and I didn’t think we’d gotten to that level yet.

At the end of the date, Subomi commented on my looks. He said I looked prettier in person and that I fit his spec. I didn’t know if it was a harmless compliment or a flirting comment, but I said “thank you” and kept it moving. We didn’t see each other again for four months.

Curious, Subomi. Were you flirting?

Subomi: More like testing the waters. She looked so hot that day. The thing is, she barely posted pictures, and when she did, they were black and white. I couldn’t really tell what she looked like, and it would’ve been weird to randomly ask for her picture. So, I always assumed she was “just there.” But that cinema date? I was so excited because I finally got to see her.

That compliment was my first step in moving things beyond friendship. She ticked all my boxes physically, and we already got along so well. I wanted more than friendship.

But were you searching before?

Subomi: Not actively. I’d been single for a while and wanted a relationship, but I wasn’t on dating apps or pursuing any talking stages. I’d not seen what I really wanted, but I was patient enough to wait. The moment I saw Damilola, I knew she was the one. I can’t explain, but my heart just knew.

Right. Damilola, did you want him, though?

Damilola: I don’t think we’d be here otherwise.

After that compliment at the cinema, he became more direct with his intentions. We’d spend hours talking and texting not just about movies anymore, but about our families, future plans, and what we wanted in relationships.

Through it all, Subomi realised I was almost push him into the friend zone, and he didn’t want that. To be fair, it wasn’t intentional. It was easy to see him as a friend first. Whenever he started his sweet talk, it felt jarring until I reminded myself that this person actually wanted more.

Fast forward to October 2023, we went on another cinema date. This time, it was clear it wasn’t a platonic one.

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Subomi: I asked her to be my girlfriend on October 15, 2023, and she accepted. I remember telling a friend a week before that I planned to ask her out. He encouraged me to go for it because I kept saying we needed more time to build our friendship. I didn’t think five months was enough, but he warned me I might get friend-zoned if I waited too long, so I asked.

Sweet. So what were the early days like?

Subomi: Chaotic. We had to do long-distance almost immediately, and Damilola didn’t like that. I didn’t either, but I didn’t have a choice. I was transferred from our Lagos office to Osun State, and although I started the relocation process immediately, I knew it would take some time.

During those early days, we didn’t really act like a couple. We still did the same things we did as friends — gist about movies, talk about our day, occasional video calls, and move on.

Damilola: I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. On one hand, I was glad the distance meant we didn’t have to get intimate right away. I take a long time to settle into intimacy, and that has caused problems in past relationships. So, Subomi’s absence meant he couldn’t ask for anything sexual yet, and that was a relief.

On the other hand, it didn’t feel like we were a couple. It was like we’d just continued the friendship, but with a new label. Soon, we started having issues. He always wanted me to say sweet, flowery things, but that’s not my style. I could say them in person, but not over texts or calls. He wanted me to end every conversation with “I love you” and often asked for selfies, but I refused.

Subomi: I didn’t feel like her boyfriend. Since we couldn’t be together physically, I thought we could at least maintain emotional closeness. I did all these small romantic things and I expected her to reciprocate. But she always said she’d do them when we were together. Sometimes, I’d ask for regular selfies of her at work or home, and she’d shut me down. It was almost like I’d asked for something inappropriate. It was frustrating, but I channelled that frustration into speeding up my relocation back to Lagos. It finally happened two weeks before December 2023.

Nice. Did things get better?

Damilola: They did. I was excited to finally have my boyfriend, especially with the festive season coming up. I didn’t want to spend Christmas and New Year alone.

The week he returned, it was as if we had suddenly forgotten all our petty fights and arguments. Looking back, I don’t even think those issues were that deep. We were just two lovers who missed each other and got frustrated by distance. Subomi didn’t even need to make a move for intimacy; I reached for him first. It felt natural, and unlike with previous partners, I didn’t overthink it. I spent weekends at his place and stayed with him for the entire Christmas and New Year’s week. Interestingly, I think our honeymoon phase only began months after we started dating.

Subomi: Spending time together made the earlier months of our relationship feel like child’s play. It was almost as if we’d only just started dating properly. Honestly, I don’t think anyone should do long-distance relationships. One hill I’m willing to die on is that most LDR problems disappear once the couple spends time together.

Suddenly, all my doubts about whether she loved me disappeared. Damilola smothered me with kisses and was super touchy — her head on my chest, her hands in my dreads or on my bum. I realised she wasn’t expressive with words but showed affection physically. She also met my mum and siblings during the New Year, and everyone loved her.

Sadly, just when I thought we’d finally found our rhythm, something happened and it almost toppled our relationship.

What happened?

Damilola: A bedwetting incident that Subomi didn’t handle well. I’d spent the weekend at his place, and I don’t know if I drank too much the night before or my body reacted to a blood pressure medication, but I woke up in horror at midnight and shook Subomi awake. At first, he thought it was him until I told him it was me. I felt beyond embarrassed. My mind was racing, but Subomi stayed calm. He told me to go clean up while he took care of the mess. By the time I came back, he’d changed the sheets and flipped the mattress so we could sleep on the other side till morning. Thankfully, it wasn’t too soaked. He held me close, and I fell asleep in his arms, worried but relieved that he didn’t make it awkward. I was so wrong.

Subomi: I still don’t think I handled it badly, but I can understand how my actions might’ve come across. That morning, I insisted we take the mattress outside to dry, but Damilola said it wasn’t necessary. She wanted to leave it on the balcony, but I worried it wouldn’t get enough sun and might start to smell.

Maybe it was my insistence or my casual mention of a “foul smell,” but she got into a terrible mood afterwards. That night, I also suggested she skip her medication for a day to avoid another incident. She snapped, “What do you mean?” I tried to explain that I wasn’t implying anything, but everything I said just made it worse. I eventually kept quiet. She left my place the next morning and ignored my calls and texts for days.

Curious, Damilola. You mentioned feeling relieved and supported after the accident. What changed?

Damilola: There was a disconnect between his actions and words. He cleaned up and ensured everything was fine, but some of his comments sounded weird. I was dealing with the deepest level of embarrassment. I had a terrible bedwetting episode as a child, and this was the first time it happened in over twenty years.

So, hearing my partner say the room might smell or asking if I’d taken a drug that made me bedwet just hit wrong. I didn’t focus on how kind he’d been that night; I fixated on those comments. I guess I was still too embarrassed to see the good in the situation.

I can imagine. Did you eventually respond?

Subomi: She didn’t. I had to show up at her place the next weekend. Even then, I didn’t bring it up right away. I’d had time to think about everything and how she must’ve felt.

We spent the evening catching up and even went to our favourite amala spot. On our way back, I asked when she was coming over again, and she said she didn’t know. That response made me break my silence. I told her whatever happened was a non-issue and that I was in this with her for the long haul. I even joked that I was ready to wipe her ass and bathe her if it ever came to that.

Damilola: They were sweet words — flattering, even — but not enough to change my mind. I didn’t sleep over again until my doctors changed my medication. Apparently, one of them increased the frequency of my urination. It wasn’t exactly what caused the bedwetting, but they changed it anyway.

It took a month or so of staying home to feel confident that it wouldn’t happen again before I visited him. It’s funny now, but at the time, it was one of the most awkward moments of my life.

Makes sense why you’d feel that way. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Damilola: Subomi doesn’t understand what it means to be embarrassed. I know that sounds like I’m calling him shameless, but that’s not what I mean. When it comes to his family, friends, or anyone he loves, there’s no shame in his playbook. He’ll do whatever needs to be done.

I’m free when I’m around him; I don’t have to worry about being perfect. He embraces my imperfections and never makes me feel bad about them. That’s rare. Sure, he says a few annoying things, but I know his intentions are never bad.

Subomi: My babe brings out the best in me. I’m learning to be more sensitive to people’s feelings and to show up better. It’s one thing to be present for someone; it’s another to make them feel cared for. I used to think actions were enough, but I’ve learnt that kind words matter too. Damilola makes me want to be better for her and for myself.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Subomi: I’d give us a 9.5. We understand each other, and we’re in this for as long as we draw breath.

Damilola: 9. We’ve gotten a lot of things right, and I can only imagine what it’ll be like to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m looking forward to that reality.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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There’s a kind of love that blinds people so deeply, only others can help them see. But how far would you go to help someone leave a toxic relationship?

While some people prefer to stay out of messy situations, others step in and take matters into their own hands. We asked Nigerians to share the most extreme things they’ve done to help their loved ones finally walk away.

“I staged a fake prophecy with her mum” — Temi*, 30

My closest childhood friend was in a relationship that was all kinds of wrong. She’d become so dependent on this guy that he controlled everything, from her finances and looks to even the birth control pills she used. I realised how bad it was when she started reacting to the pills, breaking out and gaining weight, but said she couldn’t change them without asking him first. Watching her lose herself was hard, so when she told me he wanted her to move in permanently earlier this year, I decided to involve her mum.

I called her mum and told her everything. It felt like a betrayal, but I was genuinely scared for her. Thankfully, her mum was calm, discreet, and came up with a plan that still cracks me up whenever I think about it. She knew her daughter wouldn’t listen to anyone directly, so she decided to use her faith.

They attend a white garment church, and my friend takes prophecies very seriously. So her mum told her that during a prayer session, one of the prophets received a vision about her relationship. Using the details I’d shared, she described the boyfriend — his looks, habits, and temper — in ways that made the whole thing sound completely divine. Then she told her the prophecy warned that staying with him would lead to barrenness and eventually death.

To my surprise, it scared her enough to take it seriously. After months of hesitation, she finally ended things with him. To date, she has no idea we made the whole thing up. I still feel a bit bad about how far we went, but I don’t regret it.

“We catfished his girlfriend” — Sam*, 26

For a long time, my cousin has been in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t want anyone around him. Everyone in his life is a threat to her. Visiting them became uncomfortable because of her attitude. The last straw for me was hearing that she’d been telling her friends she was only with him for his money and planned to dump him when she was done. She also berated him in public and was verbally abusive. My cousin had become a shadow of himself, and it was painful to watch. No amount of talking could make him leave her.

Since he refused to believe anything I said, I decided to prove it. My friends and I planned an intervention. We got one of our guys who she didn’t know to start flirting with her. It didn’t even take a month before she was fully invested, asking for money and talking about hooking up. We took screenshots and sent them to my cousin with an explanation of what we had done.

I expected him to understand our intentions, but instead, he got angry. He accused us of sabotaging his relationship and even cut off the friend we used. They’re still together, and at this point, I’m convinced she’s charmed him. I’ve completely washed my hands of the situation.

“We hired boys to beat him up and blame her” — Fathia*, 24

When we were in uni, my roommate was stuck in a toxic situationship that had gone on for over a year. It was emotionally manipulative and sometimes violent. She’d come to me crying and asking for advice, but no matter what I said, she always went back to him. It was frustrating to watch. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to leave.

One time, after a fight, he slapped her so hard her face was visibly swollen. Her braids were also pulled out. I was angry but didn’t know what to do. Eventually, I vented to one of our mutual friends, who’s a bit of a street guy. He got furious and said he’d send some boys to deal with the guy. I thought he was joking, so I laughed and said maybe they should pretend they were sent by one of her other men, just to scare him off for good.

I didn’t know he took me seriously until a few weeks later, when he told me his boys had gone through with it. They’d gone to the guy’s apartment and beaten him up, then sent me pictures of his swollen face. I was horrified but also satisfied.

It didn’t take long before the guy accused my friend, calling her a slut and threatening to report her to the police. Even though she swore she knew nothing about it, he refused to believe her and ended things. She was heartbroken for a long time, but I stayed by her side, pretending to be as shocked as she was. Deep down, I was just relieved she was finally free.

“I lied to keep them apart” — Rose*, 28

In 2017, my friends got into a relationship. The girl was my friend first. Since we all schooled together and shared similar hobbies, I became close to her boyfriend, too. Before long, I was practically their third wheel.

It didn’t take long to realise they were terrible for each other. They fought constantly, dragging me into every argument; from texting too much to liking other people’s pictures. He was jealous and controlling, and the drama was exhausting.

Once, they embarrassed me in the cafeteria, screaming at each other like a Nollywood couple until she stormed out crying. Everyone stared. Still, no matter how bad it got, they always found their way back to each other. They broke up and made up so often I lost count.

I was relieved when their most serious breakup happened in 2018, and they blocked each other. But months later, he texted, saying he still loved her and wanted my help to win her back. I was desperate to keep them apart, so I lied. I told him she’d moved on, met someone new, and even had an abortion, hoping it would end things for good.

Instead, it made him worried and even more determined. I panicked and confessed to her. Thankfully, she found it hilarious and agreed to play along. When he finally reached her, she acted out the story. It worked. He gave up and moved on. Years later, I’m just grateful my lies didn’t backfire.

“I drove across cities around midnight to help her leave” — Nengi*, 43

My younger sister was in a terrible marriage. Her husband beat her and the kids constantly. Whenever she called, I felt helpless. I’m a widow with three children, and she has four of her own. We lived many hours apart, so there was only so much I could do from afar.

In 2021, after another beating, she told me she was ready to leave. It was 8 p.m., but I didn’t think twice. I left my children at home, got into my car, and drove almost three hours to her house. Looking back, it was reckless. I’m a woman alone, and he’s a big man. My confrontation could have gone very badly.

When I got there, I told her to pack immediately. He said if I was taking her, it had to be with the kids and only the clothes on their backs. Still, we left for my place. I drove through the night, and we got home a few hours before dawn.

My house is a one-bedroom apartment. After that night, there were nine of us in that tiny space. It was chaos. Feeding was hard. My kids had to switch to public school so we could survive, but I refused to let her go back.

Now things are better. We’ve saved enough to start a small business for her, and she’s getting back on her feet. Her husband still refuses to take responsibility for his family, but I’ve stopped caring.

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This is Sharon’s story as told to Betty:

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

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What else?

Any reason you stalled? And did that information change anything?

Right. But when did things move from a platonic relationship to something more?

Sweet. But how did you feel about him being a widower? Did you think he’d moved on?

Oh.

What sort of difference did you notice?

Curious, how does all of this make you feel, Owolola?

I see.

Nice. Outside of family issues, how has the last year been for you both?

Does working together ever get in the way?

Screaming. Owolola, you mentioned wanting to spend your life with Becky. Do you think you’re ready for the leap into marriage again?

Got it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

“I don’t like mean women anymore” — Chibuzor*, 27

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“She used my emotions against me“ — Emmanuel*, 38

“They’re fun if you aren’t dating them” — Collins*, 29

“Wickedness is not a cute personality trait” —Tobi*, 29

“I like when they’re wicked to everyone else but me” — Seun*, 22

“I want to find a babe that’s nice like me” — Seyi*, 26

What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

Walk me through your dating life. How did you get here?

How did that relationship go?

What was being with Abel like?

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How so?

Phew. How did your love life look after that?

Hmm.

Did you meet anyone new afterwards?

I see. So, how would you say these experiences have shaped your idea of love and relationships?

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

“We didn’t call it bro code in our time, but we lived by it” — Joseph*, 45

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“Bro code is about respecting unspoken boundaries” — Victor*, 27

“My friends’ sisters are off limits. Always” — Yemi*, 31

“I think the bro code is overrated” — Chibuzo*, 26

“Bro code is about respect, not competition” — Toluwani*, 28

“Bro code is about having each other’s backs no matter what” — Japhet*, 30

“A bro is a bro, loyalty doesn’t expire” — Hamid*, 31

“Bro code means being there for your guy without judgement” — Demola*, 35

“If you mess up, I won’t code anything” — Deji*, 28

What was the moment that made you realise you had to cut off your brother?

Wow. What was your relationship with your brother like growing up?

How do you mean?

Did this affect your relationship with him negatively?

Was it great being in school with your brother?

Did things get better with Sanni after you both finished school?

How did this make you feel?

Did you try to speak with him about this?

Did he improve his behaviour at all?

How did you take this request?

Did you try to nudge him for more information?

What did she say?

Did you confront your brother?

What was your brother’s explanation?

How did he take that?

Ah. How?

How did the meeting go?

Omo. What did your in-laws say?

Did this incident strain your relationship with your brother?

How did that visit go?

What happened?

How did your in-laws take this?

Did you reach out to your mother to speak to your brother?

Did your brother try to patch things up with you?

Did your relationship with him improve at all?

What changed?

Did you try to ask him what that was about?

How did he react?

Tell me what happened.

How did he react?

How did you react to that?

What has your relationship with him been like since then?

Do you think your relationship with him could recover?

If you could change one thing about this situation with your brother, what would it be?

I didn’t imagine what marriage would be like

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**“We didn’t call it bro code in our time, but we lived by it” — Joseph*, 45**

**“Bro code is about respecting unspoken boundaries” — Victor*, 27**

**“My friends’ sisters are off limits. Always” — Yemi*, 31**

**“I think the bro code is overrated” — Chibuzo*, 26**

**“Bro code is about respect, not competition” — Toluwani*, 28**

**“Bro code is about having each other’s backs no matter what” — Japhet*, 30**

**“A bro is a bro, loyalty doesn’t expire” — Hamid*, 31**

**“Bro code means being there for your guy without judgement” — Demola*, 35**

**“If you mess up, I won’t code anything” — Deji*, 28**