A viral TikTok conversation has filtered into X. The tea: According to Friend A, Friend B had gotten close to her man and even gone as far as to tell their other friends she wouldn’t mind being with him. Eventually, Friend A had no other option but to use her scissors. Friend B was left out in the cold, wondering what went wrong. In summary, end of friendship.
As expected, the internet people are divided, but the winning argument is boundaries should be in place when it comes to your friends and romantic partners. In case you’ve been found wanting, these tips will help you recalibrate.
Don’t: Hang out with them alone
What are you trying to do meeting up with your friend’s joy giver for one-on-ones? Please, don’t do it.
Do: Occasional group hangouts. Very important not to be the annoying third leg.
Don’t: Text or call them at odd hours
Apparently, this doesn’t go without saying. Are they with your kidney or liver? Why are you on their mobile at 6 a.m. or 12 midnight?
Do: Ask your friend to hit them up first, especially if you plan to ask for personal favours.
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Don’t:Form attachment with their personal items
You can admire, you can borrow while y’all are together, but please, that should be the end to it. You have no business taking the hoodie home. Freeze if you must.
Do: Just buy your own, to be honest.
Don’t: Make direct, or God forbid, lingering eye contact
That’s where the devil comes in. When you start seeing yourself in their eyeballs.
Do: Lower your gaze.
Don’t:Go visiting
An important question to ask yourself while preparing to set out is, “What am I looking for?”
Do: Stay in your house.
Don’t:Say a word if you’re feeling them
Look, we’re humans and you might find yourself catching feelings where you least expect. But does it make sense to go after everyone we like, especially when they’re hooked… with our friends?
Do: Zip your mouth; bury the feelings.
Don’t:Get too physical
Hugs, handshakes, head on shoulder? Ahhh.
Do: 80% social distancing.
Don’t:Cook for them
Apply for a Guinness World Record if you want the world to bear witness to your culinary skills.
Do: Let them starve, or give them water.
We know you more than you know yourself, just take the quiz and you’ll see.
Questions
This is a question
Choose all that apply:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re head over heels in love with your partner and would do anything for them.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You like to show your partners small pepper to keep them on their toes. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You have someone, but they’re not enough for you. Why?
The average Nigerian’s reaction to teenage pregnancy is outright condemnation. However, it happens more often than we know and can have far-reaching effects — like being a grandparent before middle age.
That’s what happened to Nene* (42), a millennial mother of three and grandmother of two.
This is Nene’s story, as told to Lolade
Image Generated by Canva AI
My life took an unexpected turn shortly after we celebrated a new millennium in January 2000. I was a 19-year-old, navigating the normal challenges of undergraduate life at Unilag.
Born into a close-knit, conservative family, education was our top priority, and my parents, both educators, had high hopes for my future. I studied law because of my dad. He always talked about me becoming a barrister who would one day be a judge and even Chief Justice. I didn’t even know if I wanted it, but his passion was enough to make me aspire towards his dream for me.
I was a sheltered child with two older high-flying sisters, and I was focused on my studies. But in 200 level, I got into a relationship with a final-year student, Chijioke*.
It was my first relationship ever, and I didn’t know how to manage it. Things moved too fast for me; the consequences of our passion became evident when I discovered I was pregnant just before it was time to resume classes that January.
As God would have it, my mum was with me at the hospital that day, so there was no time for the fear, anxiety and sense of disappointment that overwhelmed me to stick.
I hadn’t been myself throughout the holiday, but we all thought it was malaria. My mum, a staunch anti-self-medication advocate, insisted I got tested before I started taking drugs. That’s how the doctor revealed I was pregnant, and my mum went quiet in that small room in the hospital.
The stigma attached to unwed pregnancy loomed large for us all, but to my surprise, my parents responded with understanding and support. We had this meeting, my parents and I, in my bedroom. My dad said, “It has happened. We can’t change that. We can only move forward with wisdom”.
They never tried to question my pregnancy. In fact, they all but ignored it except when I wasn’t feeling okay or I had to go for a pre-natal. Sometimes, I’d think I saw a side look of disappointment, but it might’ve been all in my head because I was filled with guilt. My family chose love and unity over judgement.
They didn’t let me communicate with Chijioke directly. Rather, they fished out his parents’ contacts and visited his home themselves to inform them of the news. My mum joked some years later that there was no way she would’ve let me back into the hands of a young man who hadn’t even started life, to let him whisper foolish ideas into my mind.
His parents wanted us to get married right away, but mine refused. Thank God. Imagine me moving into a man’s home with a baby at 19, a man who was probably pressured by his parents to take me in. I can’t imagine how badly it would’ve gone.
My relationship with Chijioke essentially ended with my pregnancy. But together with my parents, we faced the challenges that lay ahead — the main one being judgement from extended relatives, neighbours, church members, nurses at the clinic and everyone else. My parents made me feel comfortable at home like it wasn’t a big deal, so I mostly stayed home.
While they pulled me off campus, I was encouraged to continue my classes and take that semester’s exams before deferring the next year. I continued my studies while navigating the early stages of pregnancy. And in October, after almost eleven months of pregnancy, I finally gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl I named Ada*.
Motherhood became an integral part of my identity. My gap year was focused on nurturing her. With my mum, sisters and grandma a constant presence, I had a great support system.
Chijioke’s mum came by from time to time and always sent money. Some years later, he also developed an interest in Ada and started visiting. But for some reason, we never tried to reinitiate a relationship.
Resilience and determination saw me the rest of the way through university, and with my family’s support, I graduated well.
As the years passed, I embraced my role as a young mother, working hard to provide a stable and loving environment for Ada so as not to overburden my parents. I think I got married young, at the age of 23, because of this underlying feeling of guilt.
My husband is many years older and a traditional man, so it made sense to settle down with him right away. His instant rapport with Ada was a defining factor too. He took her in as his child, and I felt so blessed. I had my two boys within the next five years so I could focus on getting my master’s and returning to work. But it was hard.
My mum and dad are both professors, and if not for the kind of example they laid, and the support of my husband, I would’ve given up. However, the challenges of being a young mother were not lost on me, so I encouraged Ada to prioritise her education and career.
Fast forward to 2017, and I found myself facing a surprising turn of events. My 17-year-old revealed that she was pregnant. At 36, I was taken aback. Despite the open communication and guidance I’d provided her, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey.
I felt a mix of emotions — nostalgia, guilt and a deep understanding of the challenges that lay ahead. I absolutely didn’t want her to go through the trauma of an abortion, but I also regretted that she’d have to take on the kind of responsibilities I’d taken on, and 17 was so young.
Her father blamed me for being too lenient with her. And honestly, I blamed myself. I remember my mother’s deep sigh when I reluctantly told her about it. “You children,” was all she said at first before shaking her head.
But in the end, I chose to approach the situation with the same love and support she and my dad had given me. My mum dived right in too. She even moved in with us for some years. Once again, we united as a family to welcome a new member. Our house was full and warm during that period, and the development no longer felt like such a bad one.
We spoke with Ada about the father of her child many times during this period. We met him too, of course. While I did everything a mother could to establish rules and keep her in check, their relationship blossomed. They had another baby in 2020.
Ada is 23 now, and they’re planning to get married in 2024 after she graduates from school.
It feels like history repeating itself, but today, at 42, I’ve defied societal expectations and stereotypes. I know Ada will do the same. I’m not only a successful legal professional but also a grandmother of two, and I’m proud of both truths.
I may never be Chief Justice, but the intergenerational bond I share with my daughter and grandchildren, now when I’m young enough to enjoy it, is so special. And I’m glad we got all the support we needed to get here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you meet?
Mobola: I threw up right in front of his friend’s Toyota at a public event seven years ago. He jumped out of the car and came to ask my friend if I was all right, but I vomited again, right on his white sneakers.
That was enough to make him fall for me.
Aliyu: After dropping my friends off at The Experience, I was struggling to get out of TBS at around 6:30 p.m. I remember it was getting dark and everywhere was crowded, the roads were congested. The plan was to drop them off as early as 4 p.m., but we ran late, and I was stuck.
That’s when I saw these three girls bunched together close to the race course entrance. One of them was bent over, so I got out of the car to get to them. That’s how I got vomit on my shoes. I got to find out they planned to attend the overnight concert, but she ate something funny earlier in the day and had to rush out to throw up.
Mobola: I told him I’d be fine once I got it all out of my system, but some security people were already harassing us for polluting the environment. He grabbed a black nylon from somewhere and handed it to me in case I had to throw up again, saying I had to go home.
Aliyu: She looked very pale. Uber and Taxify were still new then. Neither of them had the apps. I couldn’t imagine them jumping bus with her in that condition, so I urged them to let me take her home. Thankfully, her house was in my general direction, and I still had to return to pick my friends up the next morning, so I assured her friends I’d update them if I saw them.
Mobola: And those unserious friends let me go with a complete stranger!
What happened next?
Mobola: As expected, there was a lot of traffic, but fortunately, I didn’t throw up in the car.
Aliyu: We spoke on and off through the traffic, and I told her the car belonged to one of the friends I’d dropped off. I’d offered to be their driver because it wasn’t easy to drive your car to that event and have to park somewhere or start looking for a cab in the chaos.
We talked until I dropped her off with her mum at home. I exchanged numbers with her and one of her friends before that. But after I left her place that night, we didn’t communicate until New Year’s Day when she called to tell me she was sending a gift to my house.
A gift?
Mobola: I sold clothes and shoes for years before I got my first job in 2018. When we were in the car, he took his sneakers off and put them beside me in the front passenger seat. Don’t worry, he’d rinsed them with pure water outside the car first. Anyway, that’s how I got to know his shoe size, so I decided to send him a similar pair of sneakers to show my appreciation because I had the feeling he would’ve thrown that one away.
Aliyu: I was impressed when I received the shoes with a gratitude card the next day. I’m not used to women buying me gifts. Fast forward to November 2017. She called me out of the blues and invited me to that year’s The Experience. I told her “No, thank you” because I was a Muslim. She said it didn’t matter that it was an experience I just had to experience once in my lifetime.
I liked how passionately she tried to sell it to me, so I said I’d come though I didn’t plan to. Then she asked if we could go together. I knew I was in trouble, so I just said yes and asked for the details.
Mobola: The fact that I still wanted to see him again even though he’d seen me vomit made me know I liked him. Something about how caring he was got to me. I kept hoping he’d call again during the year, but when he didn’t, I came up with the plan to invite him back to the place we met.
Aliyu: It was a good plan because I had a good experience that somehow changed my life.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
In what ways?
Aliyu: Well, I met my future wife. We’re not married yet, but we will be.
Mobola: I’m still waiting for him to propose.
Aliyu: I’m not where I want to be financially yet. Right now, I’m struggling, and I don’t want to take her out of her father’s house just to come and suffer.
At the Experience 2017, we met up with some of her friends and mine. My friends were so surprised to see me attend a Christian gathering. But it was beautiful, and I enjoyed myself.
Mobola: That’s how we started attending them every year.
Aliyu: But after that one, I asked her to be my girlfriend. I hadn’t been in any serious relationship for close to three years because I wasn’t the best person when it came to constantly calling, meeting and checking up on people. She seemed easygoing and there was something about her that made me happy.
Something just told me to ask her out and be straight, so I did.
Mobola: Just like he said, our relationship has been very easygoing. We don’t stress each other at all.
How do you know for sure that it’s love?
Mobola: I don’t know how to answer that o. We just know.
He’s a kind person, but the way he particularly treats me with care makes me feel special. He never wants anything to stress me out, not even work.
Aliyu: That’s why I really want to be ready before we settle down. I’m not saying she’ll quit her job, but I don’t want her to work too hard because we want to make ends meet. Her dream has always been to have her own thriving business, and I want to set that up for her.
How do I know it’s love? I already feel invested in her welfare like we’re family members. She also just makes me smile anytime I see her and know she’s mine.
Mobola: Aww. I also think the fact that he converted, considering how we met at a Christian event, is not a coincidence.
Aliyu: Changing my religion was a big deal for me. Even though I wasn’t the most religious Muslim before, it was a part of my lifestyle because it was all I knew. But then, I attended church with her one day, and that was it.
I’d say falling in love with her became impossible without falling in love with her religion just because of how spiritual she is without being bigoted. She never visited a mosque though, but then, I wasn’t as religious in answering the adhan as she was with her worship.
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What do your families think about the conversion?
Mobola: My parents didn’t mind either way because my dad grew up Muslim and later converted. He still behaves more Muslim than Christian. My mum has always been an Anglican Christian, but the type that believes more in people being good than in a religious label. The only thing she’ll say is, “But you won’t make heaven o”.
They welcomed him when he was a Muslim, but embraced him fully when he converted.
Aliyu: I’m from a polygamous home, and my mum is dead, so my family don’t too much care. In their mind, it’s, “Good riddance to the bad egg”. It just means fewer visits to the family home for important occasions. But my cousins still invite me for Ileya and the like, and sometimes, we attend together.
Mobola: To them, I‘m the devil’s advocate that led their child astray.
Aliyu: Not at all. They actually treat her so well.
Mobola: I feel like they do that out of guilt because they insult and curse me behind my back.
What was your first major fight about?
Aliyu: When we first started dating, I bought her goat meat pepper soup instead of the catfish one she’d asked for when she wasn’t feeling well. She was adamant that I not buy goat meat, but that was the only type my usual plug had at that time, so I bought it anyway.
I didn’t know she doesn’t eat goat meat.
Mobola: It was goat meat that gave me serious food poisoning the evening we met. Since then, once I so much as smell goat, I have nausea. I promised never to eat the thing after that day, and I still stand by it. I told him specifically not goat meat pepper soup, and that was exactly what he bought.
I ended up throwing up immediately after he opened the hot bowl of soup.
Aliyu: I’ve suffered with this throwing up of a thing.
Mobola: But I won’t count that as a major fight sha.
The one that still makes me unhappy to date was when we had that conversation after I told you I was pregnant before COVID-19. We decided to abort it because I agreed that neither of us was ready, but he was so matter-of-fact about it. I expected and needed a lot more care from him, but for the first time, I didn’t get it.
Aliyu: I was ashamed of myself for asking you to have an abortion and was trying to manage my own emotions.
Mobola: I got the abortion, but then, we had a major fight over the whole thing. I was honestly so scared that was the end for us. The next day, he came crying and apologising, taking back everything he said.
He showed me he could put his ego aside for our relationship, and that was a relief. We’ve been more careful with family planning now that we know we want to wait a bit to get married.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Mobola: 10
Aliyu: 10
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What was your first impression of each other?
Dave: I met him at a restaurant in 2017. One of my oldest friends from uni invited me and another school friend to have a meal together and catch up. He brought Kene and another friend too. I also came with a friend. That’s how we all became this large group of friends who are all close till today.
Kene: Not that close, but we hang out once in a while. I wasn’t even that close to the person who invited me at the time. We’d met about a month before that, on a project at work. But I thought he was cool, and I was trying to go out more.
Dave: My first memory of him was me thinking he was so small and yellow. He hardly spoke during the whole get-together.
But that memory was overshadowed by something else. When it was time to pay, the table agreed we’d split the bill equally. I was broke and had purposely not eaten much, so this was an unwelcome surprise.
Kene: He looked so conflicted. Everyone else was oblivious and just paid up and left. Then it was me, him and the guy who invited us all. I’ll always find it funny that he didn’t just disagree with the splitting idea from the beginning because he couldn’t afford it. That’s how me and the other guy had to cover his bill.
Dave: I wanted to, but I was too ashamed to call attention to myself like that.
How did that lead to a relationship?
Kene: Later that week, our mutual friend called me to apologise about it, but I didn’t think anything of it, so I told him, “It happens”. He said Dave was asking for my number to thank me directly. I told him he could share.
That same night, Dave called and was acting all shy. He asked for my account details so he could reimburse me, but I told him not to bother. When I noticed that this only made him feel worse, I relented and sent him. I got an alert about an hour after our call, and it was a lot more than what I paid for him.
Dave: I felt bad. He didn’t even know me. I was also touched because I know guys who’d never pay that money for an almost stranger.
After I sent the money, I thought I’d never hear from him again even though I wanted to get to know him more. So imagine my surprise when he texted me some days after and told me it was nice I sent him more than he paid, but I didn’t have to. My response was to ask him if he‘d like to watch an Arsenal match with me at a viewing centre that evening.
We met up an hour later and had a couple of beers while watching the game together.
Kene: He was very good company. After the match, we talked for a bit and went our separate ways.
We did that a few more times. Sometimes, with some of his other friends. Meeting up with him became a part of my life outside of work and occasionally hanging out with my “actual friends”. It became some double life like my alter ego playing at having a social life.
I looked forward to his texts inviting me to watch one sports game or the other.
Dave: This went on for three years. We didn’t talk about liking each other until 2020.
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Did COVID have anything to do with the eventual reveal?
Dave: Yes and no.
I knew I liked him a lot from the first day we met to watch that game. But I didn’t want to say anything because you can’t just show yourself like that in this country. I’m always extra careful, and honestly, most of my relationships have been with women.
Kene: I didn’t know he was gay or bi. I was absolutely sure he was straight. So I just suffered in silence, settling for his company, which I enjoyed. Then, he got together with his girlfriend in 2019. I was crushed. But it was all the confirmation I needed that he was straight.
Dave: I noticed him withdraw when I started dating my girlfriend. He was suddenly not always available to hang out and hardly came by my place. I started to miss him, but I let my feelings for my new babe overshadow that.
By September or October 2019, we weren’t speaking much except for sharing memes on IG or something related to a mutual friend. I wasn’t happy that we were drifting apart.
Kene: I felt like he gave me breakfast even though we weren’t dating. It almost felt like a heartbreak. One night, I even cried myself to sleep. So I couldn’t handle talking with him as a friend anymore.
Dave: The lockdown came, and I was lonely AF — my girlfriend was in another town. I started thinking about him a lot, so I called to check on him. That’s how we started calling each other every day just to gist and keep each other company.
Kene: I wanted to tell him I liked him this time, but the way I was scared, ehn? I didn’t want him to hate me because I was gay. I’d never felt that way before.
Who did the telling in the end?
Dave: Neither of us.
We started getting vulnerable, revealing way too much about our lives to each other. Like how little sex we were getting or how much we needed someone to hold. It started as a joke at first, just us teasing each other, but after a while, we both knew we were being sincere.
Kene: I started it. I got tired of wishing and waiting and just wanted something to give. The first time we met up after the lockdown was lifted, he gave me this big hug and a little peck on the side of my face. My whole heart screamed.
Then we went back to watching football matches and drinking beer together. My heart sank a little. One night at our regular lounge, I took the leap and invited him over to my place. I can’t even remember what I told him we’d do there, but he agreed to come with me.
Dave: That was the first night we spent together, and it was great.
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Did you start dating officially after?
Dave: Yes. We had a long talk the next day and decided to commit.
Kene: But not exclusively. He still had his girlfriend.
Dave: We agreed to not go public, so I asked him if I had to break up with her, and he said no.
Kene: She really likes this guy, and I didn’t want to be the reason why he broke her heart. Three years later, I’ve learnt to live with it. Since we can’t be together as fully as we want, I don’t want to deprive him of a full relationship just because.
But don’t you feel deprived?
Kene: That’s the life. Not all of us can have the luck of a bisexual in Nigeria.
Dave: We’ll come for you o.
Kene: Sometimes, the secrecy adds to the spice of our sex life. The fact that no one in our circle knows about us makes me feel a little bold and reckless. It’s our special secret. However, I sometimes feel cheated when I see him and her together.
Does she, at least, know you guys are together?
*Silence*
Kene: I suspect she knows. But we’re also pretty discreet. We haven’t told any of our mutual friends, and it’s not like we steal kisses in the kitchen when she’s in the living room or anything like that.
Dave: We’ve talked about it. I know there’s no way to tell her now without breaking her heart and letting her down. But at the same time, I’m being the best possible boyfriend to her in every other way I can think of. That must count for something.
I’ve always been open to her about being bisexual, and she knows how close I am to him.
Kene: That’s why I think she already knows but doesn’t want to address it.
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Aren’t you guys scared this might blow up in your faces?
Dave: A little.
Kene: Not really.
What do you fight about?
Kene: Being his side chick even though I came first.
Dave: We’ve never fought about that.
Kene: But we should.
Dave: Our first fight was over him scratching my car after I told him not to drive it out because he was a little tipsy. This was in 2019 or so. I’m just glad nothing happened to him.
Kene: He doesn’t like it when I’m on the phone for a long time. We fight about that a lot. But my work can be very demanding.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Kene: Hmm. 8? 9? Something high. I only feel down when I find it hard to imagine our future together.
Dave: I’d say 8 or 7. I know I’m not being true to you or my girlfriend or even myself. I know I need to make a decision very soon as we’re not getting any younger.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
I earn almost 200% more than my husband, and I think he resents me for it. Anytime I complain about the cost of things, he’d “jokingly” say stuff like, “If big madam like you is complaining, what about we poor people?” It sounds like a joke, but he’s always making offhand comments like that. I can’t tease him about buying me stuff because he’d say I’m richer than him.
I’ve spoken to him about how his comments make me feel, but he’d apologise and then go right back to it after some time. I’ve always had more money, even before we got married three years ago, but it’s as if he only realised it after. It makes me uncomfortable, but it’s my cross.
Joyce*, 31
I walk on eggshells around my husband when it comes to finances. He’s very traditional and believes he should be the one to provide. He knows I earn more but insists we live a life he can afford. One time, I suggested changing our child’s school, and he said he couldn’t afford the fees. When I offered to pay it myself, he was like, “So, you’ll tell people I can’t do my duty as a father, abi?”
I have to hide any new thing I get for myself or our child because he’d start sulking if he noticed. Another time, I sent money to his account to offset an urgent need without informing him. He just muttered a thank you and went about his business. I haven’t tried it again. A family friend advised me to send all my money to him at month’s end and then ask him to give me an allowance so he’d feel like the man of the house. Me, I can’t give a man that kind of control over my life.
My husband appreciates that I bring enough to the table, so he doesn’t feel a way about me earning more. But he doesn’t buy me stuff.
We’re very transparent about how we spend money, and I always tell him before making any payment. I can say I like a particular wig now, and he’ll just say, “Buy it na”. I have the money, but I wish he’d take the initiative and buy me stuff with his own money too. The one time I tried to talk about this, he said, “I thought both your money and my money is OUR money. It doesn’t matter where the money to buy what you want comes out from.” But it matters to me. There’s no surprise or feeling like, “My husband bought me this.”
Dora*, 25
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about two years and only started earning more than him when I got a new job in 2023. When I first told him my new salary, he joked about me putting him on a boyfriend allowance since I now outearn him. But he doesn’t ask me for money, and I haven’t noticed any change in him. I can now afford to take him on dates and send random gifts, which I love doing. He’s done the same for me, so it’s not a big deal.
Stella*, 28
I took on most of our wedding expenses two years ago, and have been the primary provider in the house since then. I didn’t think it was an issue because he also spent his money on us. But he lost his job six months ago and doesn’t seem in a hurry to get a new one. The one time I suggested he help me make the market runs since he was home and I was working late, he threw a fit. I can’t ask him to help me around the house because he’d take offense. But I’ve handled rent and other home expenses without a word for years.
Why is it that I can take up his duty as a provider without complaint, but he can’t assist me with mine?
Josephine*, 30
I’ve always earned more than my husband, and he’s a generally good sport about it. But he can also be sensitive. I didn’t know this when we first got married, so every time I returned from the market, I’d rant to him about how everything was getting more expensive. It was harmless gist to me, but one day, he told me he usually felt bad when I complained about money.
In his mind, it was because I was spending my own money since he couldn’t afford to pay for all the home expenses. So now, I’m conscious about how I talk about money with him. Money has contributed to many of our fights — he gets mad if I try to talk about his spending habits. It’s just a sensitive topic in our home.
Financial transparency in relationships is everything. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than finding out the LOYL isn’t being honest with you when it comes to money.
Before you spend half the relationship giving freely and receiving excuses, these are signs to help you know they’re just plain selfish (because they don’t want to give) or manipulative (because they still want to borrow or get you to spend on them).
No bank alerts on their phones
In this world of “savings or current” everywhere you turn? There’s no way they aren’t receiving alerts. They’re either deleting or got their bank to stop sending. This can only mean one thing.
They never release their ATMs
Picture this. They need money, have no plans to go to the ATM, but the moment you offer to hep them withdraw, they squeeze an impromptu ATM run into their schedule.
They complain about money before you ask
It’s called “counter-billing”. After all, you’ll have to be an insensitive partner to ask for more money when “My dear, they’ve not paid salary and the month ended two weeks ago”.
They never come home with receipts
I know it’s giving team #SaveTheEarth, but think about it, if you don’t see the receipt, how will you know how much they spent? Or that they even spent money at all.
Multiple personal bank accounts
Two to three bank accounts is understandable, but five? Six? Something is off, and they’re probably stashing millions in one of those accounts.
They avoid money talk
It’s one of two things. One: They don’t have money and feel too sad to confront their reality. Two: They have money but don’t want you to know about it.
They never withdraw in your presence
They avoid the ATM like a plague whenever you’re around. In fact, you’ve never seen them use the facility. In case you don’t know why, it’s because they don’t want to part with some of that cash when you see it.
Now that you know, what’s the next course of action?
Talk
Because sometimes our feelings get the best of us and we could be jumping to conclusion. Have a conversation to highlight your worries, and pay attention to how they respond because that’ll determine your next move.
Memorise their salary date
Infor l’eyan fin fo. When you know their pay day, no excuse they come up with will hold water.
Revenge
This should be your last resort, when you’ve seen they have no intention to change their evil ways. If they go low, go lower than the snake in a ditch.
Meanwhile, you’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered, fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Get your Burning Ram ticket here.
You might’ve done 2023 by yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to repeat the cycle next year. We’ve told you how to get back with your ex, but just in case they aren’t the one for you, here’s a list of other people that might deserve your love.
Your school parents
You spent all those years on the high school battlefield together, and they looked out for you. That simply means you already have years of experience in taking care of and loving each other, so what could possibly go wrong?
Your friend with benefits
You’ve seen each other naked and unashamed; you’ve taken care of their needs, and they’ve taken care of yours. The love might not be there yet, but we believe with focus and determination, you and your casual link will become lovers.
Your best friend
They’re your best friend; you love them, and they love you too. You both know everything about each other, and yet, there’s an undeniable tension when you’re in a room together. Do you need us to go on our knees before you realise they might be the one for you?
Your neighbour
Have you seen how expensive it is to go from place to place these days? If you give your neighbour a chance, you won’t have to spend too much when you want to visit. Also, if you both fall in love and decide to move in together, you’ll just be moving next door.
Your account manager
They handle your money, which means you trust them to some extent. If you can trust them with your money, you can definitely trust them with your heart.
Family friend
if you fall in love with a friend of the family, you won’t have to worry about if you’ll get along with their family or they’ll get along with yours. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the love.
Whoever decorates Ajose Adeogun for Zenith Bank
Have you seen how gorgeous the place gets at night? Give that decorator a chance and watch them beautify your life beyond recognition.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you two meet?
Temi: We met at a gym.
I joined early in 2021 because I wanted to shed pandemic weight, and my mum recommended I start working out as a form of therapy. I was a victim of layoffs during the start of the pandemic, and so, I was broke and directionless. She paid for my gym membership for three months and for a personal trainer. Each trainer had five to ten trainees depending on how popular they were.
Michael was in my group. I noticed him right away because he was always quiet and focused on what he had to do. He’d come exactly when the session started and leave immediately after. Most people liked to talk, linger and slack off. I immediately wanted to be just as focused as him, and then, I wanted to know what was going on in his head; it had to be more than the reps.
Michael: I was focusing on the reps to get my mind off being a jobless man who was digging deep into his savings for a gym subscription. Working out was my way of maintaining discipline. It also helped with my self-confidence when I was outside. At least, I was in shape.
I noticed Temi because she was a fine girl, and I remember thinking once that I didn’t even understand why she was working out. A part of me felt girls only gym when they’re overweight. But I didn’t think too much into it because I knew that was lowkey shallow.
Temi: After weeks of hoping he’d approach me, I realised that would never happen because he never stuck around. I walked up to him while he was resting between reps, said hi and told him I’d like to talk to him after. I don’t know why I sounded so serious like I wanted to sell him something.
Michael: I was just shocked she spoke to me, so I nodded and continued my workout.
What happened after the session?
Michael: She came to me right after. I was shy because I was sweaty and insecure about possibly being smelly. So it was a bit awkward.
Temi: I didn’t sense any awkwardness. In fact, I mistook his shyness for slight arrogance, but not the off-putting kind. I sha thought he was cool and loved that he was tall but not too tall.
When I asked what he did, he spoke about his work as a project manager at an investment bank and how he was laid off. I loved how smart he sounded, how he never tried to drag the conversation into something unserious.
I knew I wanted to be friends with him.
Michael: I thought once she heard I’d been out of a job for months, her face would change. It didn’t. Then she told me she hadn’t had a job for up to a year, and I was shocked.
Temi: We ended up walking out of the gym together and hopping into the same keke because we both lived in the same area.
Temi: We checked out each other’s IGs in the keke. But we mostly met up at the gym at least twice a week, sometimes, four times. We became each other’s accountability partners, and he helped me stay focused on completing my reps or getting in good form when the trainer didn’t have my time.
He made me look forward to my day at the gym, to be honest.
Michael: Me too.
Temi: But we didn’t communicate outside the gym much during that period. I’d go home and doom-scroll on TikTok between tweaking and submitting my CV and cover letter 100 times a day, help my parents with errands and chores, babysit for my elder siblings. Rinse and repeat.
When the three-month membership elapsed, nobody wanted to pay for my renewal, and I wasn’t in the mood to beg anyone.
Michael: I’m not sure if it’s because she stopped coming, but I stopped going to the gym shortly after. I even wasted about a week of my subscription. It suddenly felt like there was no point. Maybe that’s when I knew I liked her.
I still didn’t have her number, so I DMed her. She didn’t respond until weeks later.
Temi: I was lowkey more active on Snapchat and TikTok. And I had most of my notifications off because they gave me anxiety to see them pop up randomly.
When you finally saw his DM?
Temi: I was so excited. I remember screaming in my room when I opened IG and saw his username in my DMs with unread messages.
I pretty much liked him liked him at that point, but it was more like infatuation because we didn’t know much about each other. His DM was something simple like “Where did you disappear to? We’ve missed you at the gym.” My trainer messaged me something similar, but my reaction to his was obviously different.
Michael: She responded, and we DMed almost non-stop for days. It wasn’t like we had anything better to do. We talked about ourselves, things we found on our timeline and people around us.
Temi: There was something therapeutic about suddenly finding purpose in this light-hearted banter with someone whose head was correct.
Obviously, at some point, we talked about our careers and what we’d do to get back on track. We decided we had to go back to school or get some form of certification. I was already on track to take my second CIPM membership exam as an HR professional.
He was considering getting his master’s at Lagos Business School or japa. I lowkey discouraged him from the second option because I didn’t have any such plans and didn’t want to just hear one day that he was leaving me in this country.
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Did you guys talk about liking each other at this point?
Temi: No. This was like August 2021, and we were still very much platonic. But I knew I wanted more; I just didn’t know how to nudge him without telling him outright.
Michael: I’m not sure I would’ve done anything about it until I had a job and felt secure enough. Thankfully, we got jobs soon after.
A friend of mine hooked me up with a virtual coding and software development program that claimed to fix you up with a job or internship once you complete and pass. It was a three-month beginner crash course, and it was cheap. I thought it was too good to be true but had nothing to lose.
About a week before it was supposed to start, I shared the link with her on a whim. We’d never talked about tech, but I figured since we were both always discussing personal development, she’d appreciate the plug.
Temi: Tech was in vogue and everyone was hiring developers, so why not? When I showed my mum, she didn’t mind paying. I also lowkey saw it as an opportunity to get closer to him.
Don’t judge me, please.
How did the programme go?
Michael: Well. We bonded really well.
I was surprised she keyed into it quickly. She even paid before I did, and I admired her drive for something productive. During the programme, she was so determined to pass. After the classes, she’d call. Sometimes, we’d do video calls to go over things she didn’t understand.
She’d get me to get my coder friends on calls to show us what to do on assignments. That’s how we started meeting up.
Temi: At first, we met up outside. You’d see us at these lounges in the afternoon with our laptops, mouses and head phones. Thank God, no one tried to arrest us for doing yahoo sha.
Michael: Please, don’t joke like that.
What happened after this period?
Temi: During. We had our first kiss during this period.
After meeting up outside to work together a couple of times, we started seeing each other at his place. It got so comfortable with us meeting and working together in his room, but remember that I already liked him a lot at this point, and I knew he liked me back. We just needed to get into a comfort zone.
Michael: I don’t know how it happened but we kissed. And that “first kiss” ended up being a long make-out session that only ended because we had a deadline that night. After we submitted our assignment though, it was pretty clear we were no longer “just friends”.
We just walked with it without giving it a name for a while.
Temi: And now, I’m basically in love with him. Falling in love has been the most satisfying experience ever. I can’t even explain it.
We’ll explain it in a bit. But first, y’all completed the programme and got jobs?
Michael: Yeah. She got a job in December 2021. I got an internship right after the programme ended in November that didn’t pay too badly.
Temi: I’ve left the job now, but it was honestly a life-changer for me. Now, I can confidently say I can never struggle to get a job again. I have Michael to thank for that too.
Michael: I stayed loyal. I’m still at the job, almost management level now. It can be toxic sometimes, in terms of the targets and pressure, but it’s all worthwhile when I see my paycheck. Well, not so much now with the Nigerian economy, but I’m grateful.
I’m grateful that I somehow got a great new career and great new girlfriend in the same vein.
[ad]
God, when? But also, when did you finally put a name to the relationship?
Michael: Sometime during the 2021 Christmas season. I told her we should take our relationship seriously and start making plans together.
Temi: He had this serious face when he said it, as usual. I just laughed and said something like, “So you didn’t think we were serious all this while?”
Michael: You said, “So you haven’t been telling people I’m your girlfriend all this time? Wow.” We did everything people in relationships do, but that was 2021, and situationships and entanglements had just become a thing. I wasn’t trying to play games with my heart.
Temi: It was actually after we attended one ill-fated games night that made us swear off Lagos games night.
Michael: God, no.
Tell me
Temi: At this afternoon games party that turned into a midnight affair, they started telling us to remove cloth and kiss our neighbours. It wasn’t even truth or dare. I sha know that before we knew it, everyone was half-naked and kissing themselves. It was very much giving orgy, and I had to question the company Michael keeps.
Michael: My office co-workers invited me, and I was trying to build good working relationships.
How did you guys escape that situation?
Temi: The party was in this sprawling shortlet apartment complex, so we had to quickly book another apartment to ourselves.
Michael: We didn’t want to head back to the mainland that late at night. We’d had quite a bit to drink and were tired too.
Temi: That night, we had a long talk about what we wanted to be to each other, and the kind of relationship we wanted. It wasn’t diamonds, chocolate and flowers, but it was the most romantic experience ever.
One of my favourite things about him is how kind and respectful he is. He doesn’t even try to form hard guy.
Michael: Thank you. I guess.
Do you guys even fight?
Michael: We fight over food a lot. She’s never hungry but always eats my food. And she runs through our cereal boxes too quickly. She also is allergic to water or something. The amount of liquid sugar she takes is so upsetting.
Temi: Wow. That was a lot. I didn’t know you were holding all of that in.
I don’t think we fight like that. Sometimes, I think he has subtle OCD sha. Everything has to be perfectly organised or he’d fight. I don’t like that he gets so nit-picky with me, and that gets us clashing sometimes.
But we know how to de-escalate as well.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Temi: Easily 10. It’s smooth sailing for now. Sometimes, I get paranoid that something will happen suddenly to shake us up a bit.
Michael: Like what? It can’t be that serious.
It’s a 10 for me too.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If we’re being honest, there’s nothing outside. Streets are tough, everyone is trying to prove something, and people are fighting each other in the name of love. You don’t need that. You need butterflies in your tummy, a permanent smile on your face, and that ex that made life seem extraordinary.
Lucky for you, we know how you can get them back.
Go to their family house
In your quest to return to the love of your life, you better make your way to their family home. Report yourself to their parents so they can see how serious your love is and help you get your boo back.
Buy whatever they’re selling
Even if it’s houses and cars they’re selling, think of it as an investment into your joint future. Close your eyes and make that big purchase.
Make a big declaration of love
When Osuofia sang, “I no need sense to love o. Your love makes me a happy mumu,” did you think he was joking? Put on your big pants and tell the world you’re still in love with your baby and want them back. If declaring this online doesn’t work, we suggest paying for ad space on one of the billboards around Lagos’ third mainland bridge.
Send them prayer meeting links
This only works if they’re super-duper into religion. If they’re not, and you send them NSPPD link, you might just find yourself blocked in a matter of seconds.
Send them gifts
You might have to send it through their friends and family, but at the end of the day, all that matters is they see your five tubers of yam, one kilo of turkey and half bag of rice. This will help them understand that your love for them surpasses Tinubu’s economy.
Remind them of the good times
Follow them back on all their socials and start posting about the good times you shared. Chances are they’ll catch the love bug and welcome you back with open arms.
Wait outside their house
If all of the above fails, make your way to their place of residence. They’ll find you there, see how strong your love for them remains, and maybe, just maybe, your ex might become your current.
