Your babe loving you with all her heart is great, but there’s no greater joy than finding out that she likes you almost as much as Nigerians like sharing their opinions on the internet, unprovoked. If she does any of these things, she doesn’t just love you, she likes you.
She wants to enter your skin
It doesn’t matter if the sun and heat are threatening to set you ablaze or it’s colder than a mortuary standard beer. If your babe is always trying to get as close to you and cosplay like you both are conjoined twins, congratulations, they’re not just tolerating your ass, they like you, like you.
She wants to share everything with you
If you find yourself complaining about her sharing your food or sleeping in your ₦50k Gunci shirt, congratulations, the love of your life likes you too.
She’ll call you for the tiniest things
Did a bus conductor upset her? Did they get her order wrong at the restaurant? Did she just hear some hot tea? It doesn’t matter what it is, she’ll pick up her phone and call you about it.
She spends on you
Bury any thoughts that women have money because they still don’t. But rest assured, if your babe likes you, she’ll gather all her loose change and make it rain on you.
She wants to go everywhere with you
How do you know the amala at a buka is about to slap? The woman serving the food is rude AF. How do you know your babe likes you and everything you stand for? She follows you everywhere you go and tries to become one with your shadow.
She bites you
There’s a slight possibility she might be a vampire or Hannibal Lecter, but there’s a higher chance she’s sinking her teeth into your skin to figure out why you’re so damn sweet and she likes you so much.
She asks for your help a lot
Let’s get one thing straight: that cockroach she asks you to kill, that tire she asks you to change, she can definitely do all of that herself. She’s only asking you because she likes disturbing you, and she likes the way you do them, simple.
Now that we’ve shown you the signs that your babe likes you, take this quiz and be double sure that she truly likes you.
Elon Musk’s X is brewing with premium drama after a lady shared how she wakes up as early as 4:50 a.m. to prepare lunch for her husband. Apparently, he told her a female colleague once brought two spoons to work to share her lunch with him.
As expected, X users are caught on different sides of the argument that ensued. Some laughed off the idea of waking up that early to make lunch for someone else, others dragged gluttonous men, while others cheered her on for knowing how to keep her man.
While all sides are valid, the bigger question is, “How can you tell if your own babe is sampling other people’s meal at work?”
We have the answers.
When they come home smelling of soup
They left the house smelling like vanilla and coffee, so you better be ready to ask questions when you catch the faintest whiff of egusi on their lapel.
“I’m not having dinner”
Who returns home after a long day at work and turns down a plate of hot jollof, grilled turkey and dodo? If they’re turning down your food, it’s because they’ve been well-fed elsewhere.
They start to ask for strange recipes
Because why is your Yoruba lover asking for banga, afang or oha soup, when you’ve only known them to eat ewedu? Listen, someone is teasing their tastebuds outside.
They refuse your offer to pack their lunchbox
What’s the point when they know colleague XYZ will pack lunch and cutlery for two?
They start suggesting things while you cook
“Baby, why not fry the beans in red oil first?” They might tell you they saw it on the gram or YouTube, but it’s a lie. They’ve had that shit at work, and now, they’re dying for another taste because the colleague who brings it to work has resigned.
They take bread, fufu or rice without stew
Because they’re banking on that colleague in marketing to bring a bowl of soup that’s obviously tastier than yours.
They return home with a toothpick in their mouth
Just imagine the audacity to return from the crime scene with an exhibit. They have to explain what’s stuck between their teeth, but more importantly, why they ate food that isn’t from your kitchen.
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They always use the toilet before dinner
It’s the only way to clear their stomach and make room for your food after they’ve had the treat of their life at work.
Discovering your babe has a work-spoon buddy can be distressing. Why should their coworker have a dedicated second spoon to create a lunchtime duo with your lover?
Here’s how to handle the situation before things get out of hand.
Encourage your lover to fast at work
No serious person will disregard a spiritual practice that would only make them succeed in 2024 just for food from a co-worker trying to get their attention. If they do, let them go.
Make the spoon go missing
Whether you have access to the second spoon or not, your problem is half-solved when it gets lost. But I hope your bae’s co-worker isn’t so invested that they get another spoon for your babe anyway.
Remind them that people get jazzed through food
Telling your babe to take their eyes off other people’s food isn’t a hard task. Simply remind them about their village people and they’ll be disciplined. If they’re wise, they’ll quickly shift focus from their colleague to only you and your loving meals.
Get them a lunchbox
Since food is your partner’s release clause, maybe you need to lock them down with a packed lunchbox or Tupperware. Put beans in one box, stir fry pasta in another and orishirishi in another. But you’d have to wake up at 4:50 a.m every morning to achieve this, so good luck to you.
No competi, competition for my baby
Or just get them a finer spoon
Why stress when you can simply get your spouse a finer second spoon. Anytime they bring out the spoon you gave them, it’ll remind the work partner to look somewhere else. So make sure it’s bright gold.
Pray for your bae
If somehow, all of the above fail, and they’re still flexing the second spoon to eat with their co-worker, the matter is now in God’s hands.
The co-worker: WDYM Sack Letter Day?
Throw your bae away
A person who can’t leave their work spouse’s food alone despite your best efforts is beyond saving. Push them out and avoid the apparent love triangle. You’ve lost the fight.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Get three master’s degrees
“We met in 2015 when I was doing my third master’s”
It’s the only way to give yourself a fighting chance at true love. The subjects of this Love Life attended the same secondary school and university for their first degrees but still didn’t meet until she happened to be studying for her third degree at the same university as his sister. If she hadn’t pushed harder by getting three whole master’s, would she have found the love of her life? Get serious, please.
Start selling puff-puff
“I saw (her) selling puff-puff by the gate to my father’s school”
What’s better than three degrees? Real-life culinary and entrepreneurial experience, of course. In 2024, only two things matter: the bag and fuel for your body. For these subjects, a simple puff-puff transaction turned into exchanging numbers, and before long, they’d married and japa together.
Or sell small chops
“He was this tall guy a year ahead of me who owned a food business everyone knew about”
I don’t know a single Nigerian who isn’t obsessed with that rectangular foil pack of deep-fried appetisers from all over the world. Just like jollof rice and amala, anything tied to the Owambe culture becomes a hit no matter what. It should be studied.
The subjects of this love life story built a friendship entirely on small chops transactions. I mean, they had little to no communication besides knowing smiles and extra barbecue chicken at no cost. Next thing we know, they’re considering marriage at 19.
We’re not saying you should move to your favourite small chops vendor/customer o. All we’re saying is how important is love to you?
Leave your community to it
“My father and uncles said they’d narrowed my potential wife down to two women from our village”
So what if it was the 1960s when the naira was worth two dollars? If an arranged marriage by proxy could help this couple survive an entire war and months in a bunker with an infant together, then it most certainly will deliver you from the war zone that’s today’s streets for good.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
Join the same university club
“We became friends in 300 level when we joined the technical (TC) unit of our school’s chapel”
It’s not enough to attend the same school in the same year as your supposed future soulmate. What if you don’t study the same course or take any classes together? What happens then? If joining the same school club still doesn’t work, initiate a conversation about cartoons you enjoyed as children. That works like magic in any university setting, trust us.
Trust your mum’s matchmaking
“Our mums hooked us up”
Family matchmaking works so well we had to mention it twice. As long as they’re old (and therefore, experienced) and have your actual best interest at heart, your family members can set you up for life. Just ask these subjects whose mums have been best friends since childhood and even gave birth to them in the same year. The mums said they should get married so many times, they pretty much spoke it into existence — modern-day arranged marriage 101.
Stick to your secondary school sweetheart
“After I saw her during our lunch break on day one, I started going to her class just to catch a glimpse of her”
Sometimes, it just pays to make sure the innocent love that involved plushy toy gifts on Valentine’s Day, illicit chats under the school staircase and pairing together during field trips, lasts till adulthood. That way, you’ve already grown up together, which is perfect practice for growing old together.
Argue on Facebook (or any social media, TBH)
“I just went at him, criticising him for supporting such a person”
It all started with a day-long politically charged back-and-forth between two strangers. But this couple spent the next three years as chat buddies before they finally met in person, and the rest is history. Answer me this: would a relationship have blossomed if they hadn’t spent up to 24 hours passionately airing their opinions to each other on day one? Communication is key regardless of the subject or medium, dear.
Date your best friend
“I’d always loved Jojo, but that’s when I realised I really liked her too”
It should go without saying by now, but really, why haven’t you dated your best friend yet? If you’re still looking for love in 2024, and you have a best friend, date them today! The answer to your prayers is literally right there.
“My brother-in-law told me an old friend of his was looking for someone to marry”
As soon as this couple met for the first time, the man told the woman he wanted to date and marry her. Straight to the point. That’s the kind of certainty you get when you allow family members to do the matchmaking for you. The couple moved in together some months after and had a traditional wedding the next year. A surprise pregnancy might’ve played a part, but that’s just semantics.
Go on blind dates
“The friend left us, and we just sat there, talking a bit, trying to be cool”
So the blind date in this Love Life was actually awkward. What’s a little awkwardness when it achieves the desired result — an introduction to the future love of your life? But let’s just say in the end, someone’s mother was a catalyst to yet another successful marriage. If you’re still single, you’re sleeping on your mother’s influence.
Try your childhood friends
“We’ve always known each other. We’re family friends”
Thanks to their strong foundation of family and friendship, seven years of separation and one year of pushback against their marriage had nothing on this couple’s future together. Before he proposed, the man even applied for a master’s program in the UK just to be with his woman. That’s the level of “I’ll go everywhere you go” we should all aspire towards in our love lives.
Attend more business conferences
“I knew I had to talk to her because she was the best-dressed person there”
The connection was so strong at the “boring” conference that brought this Love Life couple together that when one person revealed they were already in two relationships, it took the other person less than an hour to agree to join the fold. There’s something in the air at these conferences you might be missing out on.
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Friends of your friends should be on your radar too
“He was a childhood friend of my closest male friend from secondary school”
We admit it took this couple seven years to get together, so this might be more of a long-term option. But the high point is this man relocated back to Nigeria to be with the woman. He did the reverse of the Nigerian dream for love. Come on now. Meanwhile, it helped this other couple go from situationship to best friendship to relationship in two years. Don’t sleep on that mutual friend.
Public transportion is the answer
“We met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout”
How do you hope to find the one if you keep taking private cabs everywhere? It doesn’t even add up. Except cab drivers are your type though — that’s absolutely valid. But if you want to widen your net, especially if you live in Lagos, you know what to do. Just so you know, the love that arose from this danfo trip made one of the subjects question his sexuality. Enough said.
Attend birthday parties
“We met at a friend’s off-campus birthday party”
The next time a friend, or even an acquaintance, invites you for their birthday and you decline, ask yourself if you’re really serious about finding love. Now, listen carefully. It’s not enough to attend the party and find the love. As soon as you establish a connection with the person, move in with them. Don’t let that love breef.
You don’t attend political rallies?
“It was one of the first (rallies) she attended, ahead of the general elections”
Who knew you could find love at Nigerian political rallies? Those ones where they wave brooms and umbrellas in the air, shouting party slogans in different Nigerian languages at crowded stadiums? Interesting. Well, if your 2024 New Year resolution includes “Be one half of a power couple,” better grab a party registration card and get to volunteering with your local government chairperson.
That’s how this couple got together in 2011, and 12 years later, they’re running things at the federal and state levels respectively, thanks to each other’s support.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
21st-century arranged marriages, sexless marriages, birthing a child in a bunker during a war and sexuality-bending encounters; these most-loved Love Life stories are a rollercoaster of experiences that’ll have you believing in love, no matter where you’re at in your own journey.
We’re Married But Celibate
This story broke the internet in March because many people cannot even begin to imagine a real relationship, let alone a marriage, without sex. The two asexual subjects of this Love Life, who’ve been married for five years and dated for three, prove that it’s possible, and are still very much in love. Sex for them only happens on New Year’s Day, as a kind of vow renewal, and they’ve since adopted two children.
What do you mean you met the love of your life while dating her twin?! This one is proof that humans will find love no matter what, so don’t give up on your own love life… or the lack of it.
These subjects bonded over being introverted and living in the twin’s extroverted shadow. And most of our readers will never forgive them for that.
Young love at its extreme, these guys married early so their passion wouldn’t lead them astray. But their strong spiritual bond, mutual and parental support, and commitment to allowing each other to be young are particularly heartwarming to read. One can’t help but root for them.
I Was a Puff-Puff Seller, so His Family Believes I Jazzed Him
A love story that begins with plastic bags of puff-puff is one worth going against family for. If you disagree, just ask this couple. They connected over the sweet Naija pastry and a bit of physical attraction, but it evolved into a deeper relationship that spurred them to japa to Dublin together. The funniest bit of this story is a rule they set for when they fight — they have to get naked first.
This unconventional love story kicks off in Nigerian Law School with a cheeky nickname, a questionable game and an Abuja escapade. But as their relationship evolves, cheating, cultural differences and parental expectations make their future together unsure at best. If you’re into a healthy dose of unpredictability when it comes to love, this one’s for you.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
We Got Married Without Ever Dating
Did you know parents still arrange their children’s marriages today? They do, and sometimes, it’s even for the best. Thanks to their mothers’ careful plotting since before they were born, these guys fell in love in less than three months of meeting each other. By the third month, they were married. They’re going strong four years later — with a solid “9” rating from both subjects.
Remember the story about a man and a twin mentioned above? Yeah, well, it went viral, and people had a lot to say. This pushed the twin to come forward and share their perspective on the series of events, and it was the most gracious thing ever. She agrees the whole thing was awkward and even a little upsetting, but she insists no foul play was intended. She’s engaged to someone else and very happy.
Kunle and Temi’s journey from chance encounters in a crowded danfo to discovering mutual interests, including Kunle’s openness about his sexuality, is heartwarming. But the highlight is a heartfelt apology over jollof rice, which proves once again that food is a love language. It also helped them figure out how much they love each other. Then there’s their quirky argument over Sallah meat.
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Kunle’s unexpected switch from identifying as gay to being attracted to Temi is fascinating, and perhaps, showcases the complexity of human emotions. While Temi sometimes worries about Kunle being attracted to men again, his honesty about his feelings contributes to the uniqueness of their relationship dynamic.
We’ve Drifted Apart, but Can’t Break Our Engagement
From a family gathering to many casual conversations to co-habitation, early over-sharing caused a strain in their relationship, but this couple still decided to get engaged. Before long, their priorities and interests diverged, conversations dwindled, and they found themselves at a crossroads, contemplating their future. Throw in family interference and differing views on finances and career paths, and you have this complex love story. Not even the subjects themselves know if the relationship will last. All we know is the talking stage has one more point against it here.
We Found Love, Then the Nigerian Civil War Started
Perhaps my favourite Love Life story to write and the oldest subjects Zikoko’s ever interviewed, it began in the 60s when Pius, studying town planning in Budapest, returned to Nigeria and chose Clementine as his wife from two prospective candidates. They had a proxy wedding during nationwide tribal unrest, and Clementine joined Pius in Hungary shortly after.
This interview captures their experiences during the Biafran War, living — and birthing their first child — in a bunker. Despite the hardships, they survived, had six children and built successful careers. In their retirement, they reflect on their enduring love, navigating societal changes and maintaining a bond after nearly 60 years of marriage. A must-read indeed.
Holidays are for celebration, laughter and reunion with your super annoying family members who do too much even when the situation doesn’t call for it.
Now, if you’re of marriageable age and still show up single to these reunions, you know you’re in for a rollercoaster of subtle-to-direct shade.
Your stomach cannot be big in peace
Because your niece or nephew will randomly blurt out, “Aunty, are you having a baby like my mummy?” And you’ll just have to take the insult with smiles before you get an unsolicited, “This is a sign from God”.
Prayers you cannot decipher
Extended family members know how to pass subtle shade in their prayers. You never know if they mean well or are outrightly asking you to get your shit together. Because what does “You’ll smile very soon” mean? Have you been crying all this while?
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God forbid you come with a friend
You’ll get questions like, “Is he the one?” or “Is she the one?” until your guest feels like you invited them to your family house to save face.
The pep talk with big mummy
Big mummy is that relative who doesn’t cut through the corners. Your parents hold her in high esteem, so who are you to protest if she calls you for a tête-à-tête. Expect opening lines like: “Tolulope, you’re not getting any younger.”
The matchmaker family friend
They’ll tell you how they know a “decent person” who is also single and searching. But she’s big mummy’s friend, so you can’t be rude to her. On her way out, she’ll make sure you save the “decent person’s” number.
Your phone calls getting monitored
In their head, the only person who can have you walking in circles, speaking in hush tones and laughing sheepishly is the LOYL. So whilst the call is going on, you’ll get side comments like, “Sha be fast and let’s know the one you’re doing.”
The baby of the house gets a lil too attached
Then the uncles and aunts will say, “The babies in heaven are itching to come to you.”
The annoying cousin coming with their partner and in-laws
You wish your cousin well, but you can’t help asking why they have their in-laws in your house. Your mum will now come and make comments like, “By this time next year, we’ll multiply because my in-laws will be here too.”
I choose to remember the nine months and two days I was pregnant with my baby girl, Moyo*, as the best time of my life.
It’s ironic because it was an unplanned pregnancy, and it came at the worst possible time. But it’s what gave me Moyo. If I had the opportunity to do it all again, I’d choose to have her here today.
I discovered I was pregnant in the middle of my final year at the university in 2021. I’d been sick for about two weeks, but I assumed it was malaria and the stress of pursuing my project supervisor all over the school. It was my mum who insisted I take a pregnancy test, and well, you know how that turned out.
I’d only dated my baby daddy and coursemate for about seven months when I got pregnant, so expectedly, he wasn’t thrilled about it. My parents insisted on meeting with his family so they could take responsibility, but he kept posting the meeting and giving excuses till we signed out from school. He never came with his family, and he’s only sent money twice since then: ₦60k to buy baby clothes while I was still pregnant and ₦50k to support hospital fees.
My parents weren’t happy and didn’t hide it. We live in a self-contained apartment with my younger sister; our financial situation isn’t great. So there were snide remarks about me bringing an extra mouth to feed and why I decided to reward their sending me to school with a baby born out of wedlock.
Despite the tension around me, I was determined to find peace within myself and eagerly wait for my baby. I wouldn’t be the first or the last to have a baby outside wedlock, so I knew I’d be fine. Even though those months should’ve felt like the “bad times” people talk about, I decided only to remember it as good. I was quite optimistic.
My birthing arrangement was to deliver with the help of a local midwife. It was far cheaper, and this midwife had birthed many kids in the neighbourhood, so I felt I was in good hands.
My delivery was long and traumatic. My baby was breech, and the midwife had to rotate her. I laboured for two days before I eventually had Moyo. I thought that was the end of it, but when she was six weeks old, I noticed something was wrong. She never lifted her right arm and wouldn’t grab my finger with that hand when I put it in her palm, unlike when I did the same with her left hand.
I told my mum, and we took Moyo to the midwife, who prescribed some herbs and told us to always rub a menthol-based ointment on the arm. She also encouraged us to keep the left arm wrapped so she’d be forced to try to use her right hand. We did that for about a month, but nothing changed.
At this point, I was extremely worried. I convinced my mum to allow me to take Moyo to the hospital. I’d wanted us to go the hospital route right from the beginning, but my mum was paying, so I had to play to her tune. She eventually had no choice but to agree when she saw there was no improvement.
We were given a diagnosis at the hospital: Erb’s palsy. Apparently, the delivery was too traumatic, and the midwife hadn’t handled it properly. When asked why I hadn’t brought her to the hospital immediately I noticed it, I said, “I didn’t know it was that serious.” I can’t forget the judgemental look I got from the doctor after I uttered those words.
What kind of mother takes potential paralysis with such levity? He later said I’m a first-time mum, but my mother should’ve known better. But I honestly thought it was my fault. If I had my own money, professionals would have birthed my daughter, or we would’ve sought treatment earlier.
After the diagnosis came five months of physical therapy for Moyo. Each session cost around ₦7k, including transportation, and we had at least one session per week. When my mum started murmuring about how much we spent going to the hospital weekly, I borrowed ₦20k from a friend and started an online thrift business. I didn’t make that much profit immediately, but I could at least cover transportation costs so my mum could see I wasn’t just expecting her to take on everything. I didn’t want to make the mistake of cutting costs again and potentially paralysing my child for life.
Moyo is one year old now, and she has vastly improved. She favours her left arm, which looks slightly bigger, but she has full use of the right arm. I still think about how close I was to ruining her life and wonder if I’m really qualified to be a good mother.
I long to be in another relationship, but also feel guilty about it because didn’t a man show me shege just a few years ago? I have to remind myself that I’m human, and not only have I made some mistakes, but I’ve also made good decisions. I started a business, and it’s thriving. I sought medical care for Moyo before it was too late.
I may not be the world’s best mother, but taking care of Moyo is my priority, and I’m doing well enough in that aspect, considering the circumstances. I still have a long way to go to give her the best care possible, but it’s one step at a time. We’ll be fine… I hope.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Nnanna: She was bosom friends with my youngest sisters. I remember them playing together a lot. Sometimes, after the holidays, my mum would put them in the same car, with all their boxes, to go to boarding school in the South-West. We grew up together because our fathers were friends and business partners, almost kin. We’re from neighbouring villages in Abi, Enugu State.
Stella: I remember him as a much older brother I couldn’t dare talk to. My own older brother was much younger than him.
I only ever saw him when I went to their house to visit his sisters. But they came to mine more often, so I only saw him a couple of times before I went off to university in 1984.
Did you become friends afterward?
Nnanna: No. I never really thought about her until my father started pressuring me to find a responsible girl to build my home for me. As soon as I turned 30, he decided it was time for me to settle and told me he knew the perfect woman to make me happy. He didn’t force the decision on me but asked me to trust that he could make the right choice for me based on his wide experience.
Stella: After graduating in 1988, I returned home and my own father called to speak with me. He told me one of his friend’s sons had asked to marry me. I laughed because me and my dad had such a cordial relationship. I didn’t think he was serious.
Later, my mother came to talk to me too. She convinced me that having someone older, more responsible and financially free, who was already ready to commit, was a lucky thing. I’d be safe from wasting away my youth testing the waters with boys who hadn’t even figured out their lives yet.
How did you feel about that, Stella?
Stella: I was stubborn for a short while because I didn’t like that the decision was made for me. But once I met him again after close to five years, and we talked, I saw my mother’s point. I was infatuated almost immediately.
How did things proceed from there?
Nnanna: From the very beginning, it was clear our fathers’ goal was to consolidate their businesses. My father had made similar “love matches” between my brothers and children of other business or political figures in his network. I didn’t mind it, but we also didn’t marry immediately because my heart wasn’t in it for the longest time.
We courted for another three years before I told my father I was ready and we started the traditional proceedings.
Stella: I was happy to wait. I wanted to start my career without distraction from marriage or children. I was still in my early 20s and wanted to enjoy my singleness for a bit. I never really thought about love during this period because he always sent gifts and made other kind gestures. His constant effort made me believe I was always on his mind.
I had fairytale wishes of passionate love thanks to our romance books those days, but my mum always made it clear to me and my sisters that those were unrealistic. She’d give us lectures about the “real world”, and those helped me endure a lot later on.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
What was it like during the traditional rites?
Stella: I remember being tired throughout. When we started with the introduction and house calls, I was excited. But he told me I was childish to be so excited. That deflated my initial energy. He grumbled about how unnecessary the whole thing was since we all knew each other.
Nnanna: What was the point of the introductions when our families were already so close? I knew all the ceremony we would have to engage in, so I just wanted to be done with it all.
Stella: Our families were all overjoyed. It was a perfect, long-awaited union in their books. But for me, it was the moment when I realised I didn’t know this man I was marrying at all. We’d barely said two sentences to each other in four years.
I suddenly had a bad feeling about everything. I had no idea how I’d gotten there.
I shared my misgivings with one of my sisters, and she convinced me it was just nerves. I didn’t have the nerve to tell my parents anything.
Did you try to talk to him, and how did you both get through this stage?
Stella: There was no opportunity to. The wedding period was this big dramatic affair that didn’t really leave much room for clear thought and conversation. Everyone was organising one thing or the other. My friends were with me. One of them said I should speak out if I wasn’t happy with everything. I don’t know if I’d have even known how to approach him to say, “I’m not doing again.” Why? I didn’t even know why.
Nnanna: In the midst of it all, I was constantly working. I helped my father with the family business — some miscellaneous retail stores around Enugu and Anambra — so I was figuring out logistics and meeting business partners. My head wasn’t even in the wedding at all. So I don’t know how I’d have reacted if she even came to tell me any of that. It was a much different time then than it is now.
Stella: After almost a month of all the customary rites, we had our traditional wedding and a church wedding a week later. I think the week between the traditional and church was when we got to talk and get to know each other. I know that sounds amazing after we had almost four years to court, right?
It does
Stella: That’s because I wouldn’t even call that period “courtship”. We didn’t go on dates or communicate beyond the regular gifts, odd phone call or greetings through my father. I can’t explain it myself what we spent those four years doing. We somehow survived together on the strength of a promise our fathers made us make.
What was life like after the wedding?
Stella: Things moved rather quickly until I found myself with my first two sons and unhappy. He was married to work and business while I was extremely lonely.
Nnanna: As soon as we got married, I convinced her to stop working, and I think that was the worst mistake I could’ve ever made. That singular act turned both of us into the worst versions of ourselves.
Why do you think you asked her to?
Nnanna: I thought it was my way of spoiling her. I didn’t want her to have to stress over anything.
Stella: But then, he looked down on me the longer I relied on him for everything. When he was stressed about cash flow, he’d take it out on me, throwing insults and being aggressive. I had to ask for every little thing, and I didn’t like that. But when I realised I should get back to work, I was almost five years out of the job market with two kids and no idea how to get back in.
The worst part was he was rarely home, so I had nothing to do with all the free time. Over time, I learnt to find communities in church and my old friends, have personal projects like writing or volunteering and participate in my children’s school activities. But those first five to ten years were difficult.
Nnanna: I’ll admit I didn’t realise how hard it was for her until much later. I thought she was lucky to not have to struggle to get out of the house early and work late just to make enough money to afford our lifestyle.
Did you talk to him about these things?
Stella: I couldn’t talk to him. He had this cold, unapproachable exterior that’s warmed up a bit now that he’s older. I came into the marriage with way more respect for him than love, and that was extremely hard to outgrow.
There were times when we slept in separate rooms for up to a year because he wanted his space.
Nnanna: I was under a lot of pressure business-wise, and I didn’t want the stress to affect her.
Stella: I thought he hated me. And when I went crying to my mother or elder sister, they’d tell me to grow a thicker skin. “This is adulthood. You’re an adult now.” Then I‘d feel ashamed for going to them.
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Did you figure things out on your own?
Stella: More or less. It took time.
This was our reality for years, and we learnt to live with it. It took us growing older and asking ourselves, “Do we have anything between us to keep this marriage together?” This was in 2012, on our 20th wedding anniversary. The kids were all in boarding school, with our eldest in university, and we found that we had nothing to celebrate.
Nnanna: I didn’t remember it was our 20th until my assistant mentioned it while making arrangements for gifts to send to Stella. She said, “Don’t you think you should take her out instead since this is the 20th?” I agreed and told her to make the arrangements. But some hours later, Stella called me upset.
Stella: First, why couldn’t he call me himself? Why send his assistant? I told him we had nothing to celebrate. I’m glad I acted on impulse because, for the first time in 20 years of marriage, we had a proper conversation about our relationship.
How did that go?
Nnanna: That night, we sat down in our room and talked. It wasn’t a long talk, but we committed to doing more things together. We talked about a small jewellery business she’d started on her own, and right away, I put money into it. We also started attending my club meetings together.
Things didn’t change overnight, but with these small things we started doing, I’ve seen how it has improved the situation of things in our marriage.
In what ways?
Stella: We’d grown apart over the first two decades. We led separate lives and only came together to perform our marital duties and talk about our children’s welfare. We ended up having six boys so that elongated the period of emotional separation. Imagine that he didn’t know I had a one-year-old jewellery business, and we lived under the same roof.
We now talk to each other more often.
Nnanna: I think it also improved my tendency to “protect” her from things by keeping them away from her. I’m actually relieved when I can share my burdens with her now. Old age helps because as a young man, I had more ego. I didn’t want her to see me as weak or incapable of taking care of her or providing in any way. I wasn’t willing to realise that the pressure also made me treat her badly.
Stella: That’s true. There’s way less pressure on him now that he’s more or less retired.
Nnanna: And just like she said earlier, having six children put a strain on us physically, mentally and financially. We had to focus on raising them at the expense of our marriage like most good parents end up doing. I don’t regret making that sacrifice. But I regret having so many children that made us make that sacrifice for longer than we had to.
This is not to say I don’t love each of my six young men equally.
Of course. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Stella: 7. We’re still building the love part, but we’ve come a long way after our shaky foundation.
Nnanna: Well said. I’m in agreement.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
A conversation recently gathered steam on X and got several relationship people in a back and forth. What happened? Mr A and Mrs B had a mutual friend who engaged them on social media and even adored their marriage. Months later, Mr A and Mrs B divorced and went their separate ways.
Here’s where it gets interesting. The mutual friend recently announced her union on X, and guess who with. Mr A.
The internet people are divided. For some, Mr A can date (or marry) whoever. Others say he could’ve chosen anybody but the mutual friend. We’re here to clear the confusion with this list to remind the public who should definitely be “off the radar” when looking for romance.
Your neighbour
Your neighbours are like your cousins. They might not feel related to you, but they’re close enough for you to keep them platonic.
Your partner’s social media mutuals
Mutual followers are your social media “family”, and we already have a standing rule against dating your partner’s family members. Imagine finding out your ex-partner moved on to one handle that always used to leave love emojis and gush over your “couple goals” posts.
Your sibling’s crush
Just like the bro and sis codes, you should get the electric chair if you break this one. Dead that feeling if your siblings as much as smiles with that guy or babe.
Your friend’s ex
This one goes without saying, but since some people still need reminders, here we are. What do you mean you found love in the hands of the person who played Russian Roulette with my heart? What do you expect your friend to do if they feel the urge to strip naked and curse out the person you now call the LOYL?
Distant family members
It doesn’t matter if they’re your mummy’s aunty’s grandmother’s brother’s grandchild who’s been in the abroad for the last 25 years, they’re still family and you don’t do that.
Your partner’s ex
You can find love in a lot of hopeless places, but your legs should never carry you to this place. Because what do you mean, “She used to be married to my best friend?”
Your boss
Especially if on your first day at work, you got a lecture on how “We’re one big family in this office.” So, pray tell, why would you want to date or get married to family?
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Your helper’s ex
You have a God-given helper who goes above and beyond on your matter even though you’re not family, but you chose to do love with the person who has them screaming “God, why me?” You too, ask yourself. Is that fair?
Forget the dramatic “I burn for you” lines and other grand gestures, there’d be times in your relationship when you’ll fight. You may be ignored, get passive-aggressive and have them call you by your government name (how dare they?).
When that eventually happens, it’s important to pay attention to your partner’s actions because they’re subtle pointers to who they are under the sweet exterior. And if they do these things during fights, it means they’re THE ONE. Trust us.
They still call you
The easiest thing to do during fights is go silent. But this person even goes as far as to call your phone? If that line rings and their name pops on your screen despite the brewing gbas gbos, it means they’re still thinking about you.
“Can we talk?”
Right after “I love you”, this might be the most uncomfortable sentence to utter during a fight with your partner. First, it signals concession and makes you seem like the first to budge. Second? It screams, “Can we settle already and return to Love Island?” If they say this, it means they’ve set their ego aside to choose peace or their love for you.
Ask “Have you eaten?”
Food is a love language for many relationship people. So, if they care to know if you have enough stomach energy to fuel your fight, it’s a sign they care. I mean, who wins a fight on an empty stomach?
Become your human to-do list
When they still drop prompts to help get your shit together: “Have you visited the dentist?” “Did you remember to warm the soup?” “What about your 4 p.m. application deadline?” Deep down, you know they still carry your matter for head.
Remove imaginary specks of dirt on your body
It’s a lie. There’s nothing in the corner of your eye, and roasted corn shaft isn’t hanging on your lips. They’ve just missed touching you and hope that little act of intimacy will soften your heart of stone.
“Sir/ma”
It’s the thought of them extending the assurances of their highest respect and regard for you that counts, even in the thick of romantic warfare.
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Remember your family and friends
“Don’t worry about going to mummy’s place. I’ve dropped the groceries there on my way from work.” A partner who still extends love and light to your family and friends? A keeper for real.
“I love you”
It’s the heaviest sentence to mouth when your partner is moving mad and you want nothing to do with them. But if they’re brave enough to say it regardless, it might be their way of telling you, “This too shall pass.”
