It’s 2024. Why are you still going to Google for generic love messages to send to the LOYL, when Afrobeats stars have dedicated their lives and discography to expressing love in innovative ways?
If you don’t know where to start, we’ve dug through your favourite hits for the very best lines.
“My baby, my Valentine / Girl, na you dey make my temperature dey rise”
This opening line of CKay’s Love Nwantiti straight-up makes it clear how perfect it is for Valentine’s Day. After expressing how your lover’s love keeps you warm in this cold world, the song goes on to say, “If you leave me, I go die, I swear / You’re like the oxygen I need to survive.” But this only works for people you love to death.
“Na you I wan retire with, my love”
Oxlade composed Ku Lo Sa for long-distance relationship folks. But this is a straightforward yet sexy line anyone can use to say they want to grow old together with their babe.
“You are my woman / My perfect human / You make my world feel so right even sometimes when I’m wrong”
What else articulates everything a person should be to their lover more than these lines from Asake’s Mogbe?
Source: Spotify
“You’re the one I want o / Before my liver start to fail”
Davido goes on to say that if he ever leaves his babe, water should sweep him away, then declares that his babe’s love is so sweet, he must experience it even if it won’t be for long. Listen to Davido’s Assurance for more inspiration on how to show devotion to your babe.
“They say love is blind, but I dey see am for your eyes”
Use this to appreciate your lover’s ever-present love. Nothing says, “I see the depth of your feelings towards me” more than this. Thank Davido for this line from Aye.
“Nothing fit distract me for Lagos / For January, I give you my money / Ego oyibo, ego oyibo, ego oyibo /For February, I put you my baby”
In four bars, Chike’s Ego Oyibo will help you assure your lover that your bond is stronger than Lagos babes, and all your foreign currency is for them every day of the month.
“I know say you be my healer / Nobody t’ole yawa”
If your babe heals your soul and no one can put an asunder between the two of you, this line from Seyi Vibez’s Cana is how you let them know.
“Uloma, I dey on my ten toe”
This is a declaration that you’re fully committed, grounded and loyal to your babe’s government. Only they can make you feel this way, according to Young Jonn on Xtra Cool.
“The way you do fantastic / Have to put on glasses / Make you no blind me with this your body”
What you’ll be saying with this text from Burna’s Tested, Approved & Trusted is that the beauty of your lover is new every morning, like the sunrise. As it should be.
“It must mean I’m on your case, for me to come out / It must mean I’m at the door / I want to show you my world”
Do like Tems on Me & U and send this to your lover with a plane ticket to a cool baeacation spot. If not, which world do you want to show them?
Vendors have started to fill social media with their curated gift boxes, and that’s all the sign you need to know Valentine’s Day is around the corner.
We can debate why the death of one prehistoric saint means we have to finish all our money later. Today, let’s discuss how to draw the line between being a stingy lover and spending too much money as a 9-5er in Tinubu’s Nigeria. We got seven 9-5ers to weigh in.
Look at your salary
When you’re in love, you naturally want to go all out to put a smile on the face of your partner. But as a salary earner, that salary is supposed to take you till the next salary day. So, before you order that gift box, calculate how much you can comfortably spend without resorting to begging for food or trekking to work for the rest of the month. Then add a little extra for emergency expenses.
— Enoch, 29
Make a budget and compare it to your usual expenses
You should have a monthly budget, or something to track your expenses so you know how much you typically spend in a month.
Make a budget for that Valentine’s gift and then compare it to what you’d usually spend in a month. If it’s more than 70% higher than your normal monthly budget, consider revising your plan for something less expensive, preferably within 30% – 50%, depending on how generous you plan to be.
— Mariam, 32
Leave some wiggle room for inflation
A good perfume that cost ₦10k in 2023 might cost ₦15k now. It’s not you. It’s Nigeria. So even if you have a budget, keep in mind that you might end up spending a little extra. But try not to completely veer off your budget.
— Kevwe, 22
Plan early
Things become more expensive by the minute these days, and gifts tend to become even costlier around Valentine’s Day. It’s salary week, so it won’t hurt to start planning and making your purchases now.
— Omoh, 25
Are there cheaper alternatives?
Let’s assume you want to buy your babe a fake Van Cleef bracelet for ₦10k. Why not go to Yaba and buy the same bracelet for ₦5k? Both of them are fake, anyway.
Considering cheaper alternatives is like killing two birds with one stone. You create a memory and spend less while at it. Plus, cheap doesn’t mean tacky, so package it well.
— Charles, 36
Is the person even worth it?
Ask yourself: Am I and this person dating exclusively? Do they see me as a talking stage? Will the person even match my energy?
For me, how much I spend depends on how important the person is to me.
— Bayo, 26
Get creative with your gifting
Roses are great, but is it roses I will eat? Instead of spending ₦50k on that, consider creative practical gifts like food or fuel. The person might appreciate it more, and you’ll spend less. You can also gift joint experiences like an outdoor picnic, rather than dinner at an overpriced restaurant.
It might still be January, but these men have already set plans in motion to make Valentine’s Day special for their loved ones and significant others.
Demola*, 40
I’m not seeing anyone, so it’ll be my first Valentine’s Day single in a long while. But I’m excited because it’s my mum’s birthday. My siblings and I are planning a surprise. We’re very intentional about the party because we want it to be as memorable as it possibly can for her. We’ve reached out to some of her high school and uni mates, and she has no idea. We also have this cute photo wall with pictures from her childhood that we plan to install. I know I’m going to shed sweet tears on that day sha.
Biodun*, 45
My wife and I have not celebrated Valentine’s Day in a long time, with the pressure from work and raising the kids. It’s generally not easy to carve out time for ourselves. But this year, I want my wife to feel like the days when we started dating. We always made such a big deal of Val’s Day then. We’d wear similar outfits, go out with friends and go hard on gifts. Since our kids are old enough to stay with their grandparents now, we’ll spend two days at a nice hotel on the island. Just the two of us. I plan to drive her from work down to the place. She won’t suspect a thing until that day.
Toba* 33
I know I’ll want to do something that involves being at home. Might just order our favourite pizza and drinks, and chill in our living room. I’m still thinking the whole thing through, but I know food must be involved.
Gbotemi*, 31
I don’t have any ghen ghen thing planned. I want to write a handwritten love letter and put it in her bag. I used to write love letters to her when we started dating and we were both students. I even continued while I was serving. I’d visit her in school and write a love letter that she’d wake up to find in random places like her purse and phone cover. Capitalism has kinda taken that away from us. But I’ll return to the roots this Valentine.”
Ife*, 29
Our relationship is in a complicated place right now, and I’m the problem. Valentine’s Day is a working day this year, but I intend to get her a gown. I saw it on my timeline a while ago and made a mental note to buy it for her. I’ve got more exciting plans cooked up at the office too.
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Michael*, late 20s
My girlfriend and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Before you judge, it’s not because we don’t care for each other but because it’s a few weeks between both our birthdays. Hers is February 2nd, and mine is March 2nd, so we focus on our birthdays instead. I try to get her gifts that she’s asked for in the past. Preferably, a request she’s almost forgotten. Last year, I got an artist to make an illustration of her as a waterbender. She’d told me she’d like something like that about two years before. I’ve not concluded on what I’ll get this year, but I’m thinking of a written note and a big teddy bear. She’d mentioned wanting one a few months ago, and I teased her about it. I think it’ll be nice to see her reaction when I give it to her.”
Hassan*, 29
Me and my babe have built a culture around Valentine’s Day. Instead of an all-out celebration, we choose to see it as a reminder of how far we’ve come. We’ve had some issues lately, and even though we’ve talked and trashed things out, she still thinks I’m harbouring resentment against her because she was at fault. For Val’s Day, I want to plan a simple dinner as a reminder of our love, whether or not we are on good terms.
Ayomide*, Early 30s
It’s our first Valentine’s Day celebration as a couple, so I’m considering a special dinner date. Also, her phone has been bad for the longest time, so I’m trying to get her a new phone ahead of the day. I’m caught between an iPhone and a high-end Google Pixel phone, but the exchange rates have made things pricey. I don’t know if I can pull it off. Her birthday is in March, so there’s also that to think about.
Navigating loss is never easy. No matter how old our parents get, we’re never really ready for when they’ll leave the earth. I was discussing this with a friend when they revealed their grandmother’s rather strange request: She didn’t want anyone to spend on medical bills if she ever became seriously ill.
Intrigued, I got on the phone with mama’s carer, and with her help, got mama (75) to share her reasons.
My children think old age has affected some parts of my brain, so I make sure to repeat the same statement at least once a month: You people should let me die if I ever fall terminally ill.
I’m 75 years old, and in my lifetime, I’ve seen friends and family members battle sicknesses for years. They pile up huge medical bills for their family, and eventually still die. The death that strengthened my resolve not to go the same route was my husband’s.
He died in 2018 at 71, and he was in and out of the hospital for four years before that.
His health battle started with a mini-stroke in 2014. He was admitted, and doctors said, “Oh. Thank God, it’s nothing serious.” That was until they found cancer in his chest during routine scans. Again, they said it wasn’t too serious because it hadn’t advanced much yet.
A year and several chemotherapy sessions later, the doctors had changed mouth. Something about the tumours moving to other body parts. My children gathered money and took him overseas for better treatment. No one told me how much it cost, but I could see in their eyes that they were stretched thin financially and emotionally.
About three years after the initial diagnosis, my husband was declared cancer-free. We did thanksgiving at church and even gave away food items to less privileged people in gratitude.
Six months later, my husband slumped. The cancer was back, and it caused his kidneys to fail. He had to include dialysis to his long list of medical procedures. This time, my children came to ask me if their father had any money saved up somewhere.
He passed away soon after. I was heartbroken. After all we went through, it seemed like we only delayed the inevitable. I don’t want to put my children through the same thing again.
So, I’ve decided I’ll die at home. I take blood pressure medication and pain relievers for my arthritis, but if I ever develop a terminal illness or a sickness that requires long-term treatment, I’ve told them not to take me to the hospital and just care for me at home. I’ve lived long enough already. I’d rather die than become a financial burden. If they go into debt and sell their properties to keep me alive, but I still die due to old age, what use would it have been? Instead of going through surgery or chemotherapy, isn’t it better for me to cross over peacefully?
I think my children still don’t take me seriously even though I’ve been saying this since their father died, but I won’t stop reminding them. Maybe the next step should be to tell them that my spirit won’t let them rest if they make me suffer my last days in a hospital.
I’m not scared of death, and they shouldn’t be too. Everyone has to go at one point, and I prefer to go in a way that won’t burden anyone. I’ve had the privilege of seeing my children marry and become successful, with their own children. What more does anyone want?
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Nnenna: One Saturday in May 2018, I saw a new female friend’s Instastories where she was hanging out at this get-together. I texted her, and she told me this guy I knew was relocating. I was shocked and wanted to say goodbye to the guy, so I ran there. Only to find out this girl was lying just to get me to leave my house.
Anyway, the hangout was fun. There were snacks and lots to drink, so I stayed.
That’s how I met Basil. He was one of the guys hanging out there. We started chatting randomly, but I ended up moving to a different guy and kissing him. Later that night, the hangout moved to someone’s street. Basil was there, and the first guy I kissed wasn’t. Basil and I ended up making out that night.
Basil: We kissed for a while. I got her Instagram handle. We talked for a while too. She went home. That night I slid into her DMs, and we started stalking each other on Instagram and SnapChat. More on Snap after a couple of days.
Did you know about the other guy she kissed, Basil?
Basil: It eventually came out because the guy was an asshole. The moment he knew I was starting to like her and talk about her, and we were going to be a thing, he started running his mouth.
We run in the same circles. He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, so somehow, he was always in my house.
Nnenna: The guy was an idiot. Can you believe he had a girlfriend?
I told Basil about the kiss some weeks after that night. That’s when I heard that the guy had been using me to boast. He even started trying to invite me over for things, whether it was drinks or a hangout or to come to his place. I would send screenshots to Basil telling him to call his “friend” out. Someone who already had a girlfriend, SMH.
How did the drama play out?
Nnenna: Nothing much happened once the guy noticed I was ignoring him. I just stopped hearing from him or seeing him around when I visited Basil or any of our mutual friends.
Basil: Some of my guys confronted him. He eventually got angry and started avoiding us.
Nnenna: I didn’t think too much of it. Basil and I were going strong. I felt like I was completely in love with him because he made me feel special. We hung out a lot and were always texting or calling when we weren’t together. I loved that I had his full attention.
It was easy because he wasn’t working at the time, and I was just starting an internship, so we had all the time and energy in the world. Then, he told me he was going for his master’s in England and he probably wasn’t coming back to Nigeria.
Ahh. What did that mean for your blossoming relationship?
Basil: My japa plan was in motion a long time before we met. I wasn’t even looking to enter a relationship when we started liking each other, so I was conflicted for a while. But refusing a route out of Obasanjo’s country because of love was something I didn’t feel was an option for me. My parents definitely wouldn’t have heard me out.
When I told her, I was so sure she would cuss me out and then block me, but she didn’t.
Nnenna: I wasn’t that strong. This was a few months after we met, and I was already falling hard. I cried myself to sleep the night he told me. But over the phone, I formed hard guy. I thought he was breaking up with me, so I said, “It’s alright. I understand.”
A part of me felt he just used me for cruise because he knew he wouldn’t be here for long. He said, “This isn’t over between us. I want us to make this work.” But in my mind, I was like, “This boy is a liar, ahh.” I didn’t think long-distance relationships were realistic at all.
What happened after the big reveal?
Basil: I continued calling her every day until I got busy with travel preparations and all. I noticed she was withdrawing from me in terms of how open she was during our chats. Normally, she’d be so detailed about everything that happened in her office. How her supervisors were exploiting her for basic errands. How some woman kept looking at her anyhow. How her dad doesn’t take her work seriously. How the commute was draining her soul.
After I told her about my trip, we started having slow, drawn-out conversations that felt more like we were mourning the relationship. It was bittersweet because I knew it meant she really liked me and would miss me. I was just happy she kept taking my calls and staying on them for hours even when we wouldn’t say a word to each other.
Nnenna: I was crying all the time. It was like I was a newlywed whose husband was going off to war or something. I couldn’t even tell my parents why I was moping around the house all the time. They didn’t know about the relationship. They didn’t even think I should be having one so young.
I’m an only child. My friends didn’t understand why I was so sad because I barely knew him. He wanted me to go with him and his family to the airport on the day of his departure, but I didn’t. I told him I’d meet up with him, and then, I turned off my phone the whole day.
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But why?
Nnenna: I didn’t think I was strong enough for that. I also didn’t want that to be the way I met his family for the first time. Lastly, I still thought it was goodbye forever, but a part of me also wasn’t ready for the closure.
Basil: I was crushed. I cried as I left my family to go check in, and they thought it was because I would miss them. No, I was heartbroken.
Nnenna: We didn’t speak to each other again for months.
Basil: I was angry with her for breaking my heart.
Nnenna: I literally felt the same way. See life.
How did things pick back up?
Basil: She just WhatsApped me one day after like three months, asking how school was going.
Nnenna: I missed him. I was angry he didn’t reach out, but I figured I’d make the first move, and if he didn’t return my energy after a while, I’d chop my L and withdraw. I thought, at the very least, we could still be friends.
Basil: To be honest, I hadn’t reached out to her because I was so overwhelmed with the workload in those first few months that I couldn’t even think. The moment I saw her WhatsApp, it was like God was telling me he still loved me. I grabbed my phone and texted her back. That’s how we kicked things back up.
So a long-distance relationship? How did that work?
Basil: I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend pretty early on. While we were in Nigeria, we actually never made it official.
Nnenna: That was funny because, before him, I always said I’d never take any guy seriously who didn’t ask for a committed relationship point blank. Now, I know you can always tell when something is serious. Action is stronger than words.
After he asked me to be his girlfriend, we started talking about how I’d join him in London. I started applying for scholarships up and down. I needed something fully funded because I knew raising money for me to relocate wasn’t part of my parents’ plans. I must’ve applied over 200 times in that first year, but nothing reasonable came through.
Basil: In the meantime, we did a lot of talking, video calling and stalking each other on Snapchat. I “virtually” went along with her to most of the events she attended.
We still have daily calls and check-ins and virtual dates. The pandemic really helped us because the tech world stepped up with cool new ways to help people connect virtually. We loved it when Netflix Party became a thing. We enjoyed all those virtual museum tours that became available during that period too.
Nnenna: We’d have most of our meals together over Zoom, and when MTN wasn’t being our opp, it really helped us feel like we’re part of the meaningful aspects of each other’s lives.
We should do that more often actually. I miss that.
Have either of you ever been tempted to move on with someone within reach?
Basil: Yes. All the time. I second guess our relationship all the time, especially with pressure from friends.
But it never lasts. I just like her too much at the moment. We’re so connected because we always communicate. I see her every day even though we’re not even on the same continent. Our relationship feels very real, and I constantly long for her, so it’s difficult to let go. Not that I want to.
Nnenna: We talk about it a lot too. We always reassess where we stand with each other. Sometimes, a guy would flirt with me. I think he’s really cute, someone I might date. But the next thing I know, I’m telling Basil about him and laughing it off. I just wish it was easier to travel or relocate as a Nigerian. I’ve had my visa application denied four times for no reason. It’s hell, and everything is so expensive.
Basil: It’s like the universe is making it harder because we both want it so much. Every year, one family member or the other gets their visa approved on the first try.
Nnenna: Sometimes, I’m scared we might end up moving on from each other, but I don’t want that day to come. My parents always tell me I’m behaving like this because I’m still young. They say things like, “You’re wasting your youth on what may never be.”
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How do you feel about their lack of support for the relationship?
Nnenna: I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad? Worried? I know they’re reacting out of fear because they see me constantly on my phone or laptop, caught up with some guy who has an established life across the ocean. They’re worried I might get hurt.
But I just know how Basil makes me feel seen and loved all the time.
Basil: My parents get like that too sometimes, but it’s not as bad because I also have to speak with them over the phone. I used to get this vibe that they didn’t think I should be so serious about a girl who was still in Nigeria. My mum liked to ask, “Haven’t you met any nice Nigerian girls in London yet?”
But since 2023, they’ve come to realise I’m serious about our relationship. I’m already making plans to return to Naij for the first time since I left, just to see her again. I’ve been saving for it. The plan is to come in the summer and get away together for up to a week.
What are the chances of an in-person relationship anytime soon?
Nnenna: I don’t know. I thought for sure I would’ve joined him by now. But now, I’m wondering where I got that certainty from knowing I have no substantial funding from anywhere.
Basil: Last month, I asked her to marry me.
Nnenna: We’re not officially engaged yet. I haven’t told my parents or friends, and we don’t have a ring. Only us and his parents know. It feels wild, but I’m excited. I’m scared of the unknown but excited still.
Basil: I’m scared too. I have no idea what I’m doing. But we go run am.
A long-distance marriage?
Basil: God, no!
With us married, it’d be easier for her to get her visa approved and to get both our families to support us in cash and kind. Of course, we’ve both been saving for a while too.
Nnenna: We’re not rushing to do the wedding, but once we do, we’ll go ham on my relocation plans.
Have you had any major fights so far?
Basil: The number one thing we fight about is when I try to “lecture” after she vents about something. This is an old one because I’ve come to learn my lesson and stop “mansplaining”, as she calls it.
Nnenna: Urggh. In the first year of our relationship since he left, I’d rant to him maybe about a work issue, and he’d start telling me how to fix it like I’m not thinking straight. He’d be like, “Don’t react like this. Take a breather. This is why this is happening. Have you made a plan to solve that?” I’d get so worked up because obviously, I know I’ll figure it out once I’m not angry anymore.
Basil: I realised that when she rants, she just wants me to be a listening ear and support her motion. I used to get upset that she was upset I told her the truth. Then I’d still have to apologise. Ahh. Tough times.
Nnenna: We also fight over him Netflix cheating on me!
Sorry?
Nnenna: We have virtual movie dates every weekend, but sometimes, especially when it’s a series we’re watching together, he’d watch some episodes during the week without me. I think it’s the subtlest but heaviest betrayal of trust. Then he’d try to pretend he didn’t, but the truth always comes out.
Basil: I can’t help it that I have better internet and more time. And I haven’t done that in a while. I’m sorry, love.
Nnenna: It’s so annoying.
One time, I was on leave throughout the week, but I still waited for our agreed-upon time on Saturday so we could continue watching a show. For some reason, we didn’t get to watch it that weekend. Do you know this guy still went ahead and watched the whole season later on without me?
When I remembered and asked that we finally watch it, he just told me he’d already seen it all. I was so pained. I still haven’t finished that show till today.
Basil: Again, I plead for your forgiveness.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Basil: A high 7. The long-distance is killing me. Does that sound like the lyrics to an old song?
Nnenna: Yeah. 7 too.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Yemi: We met at Bogobiri House in 2015.
A friend invited me to his friend’s live music performance, and I went because I was trying to get out more and expand my circle. I’d just transitioned from a highly demanding job to a more laid-back role, and it felt like I could finally breathe and be human. I think that outing was my first since I switched jobs, so I probably behaved like someone who was just let out of jail.
Anyway, at some point, this fine babe walked in with two or three of her friends, all girls. I just found myself staring at her as she walked by and sat by the bar during the show. I’d liked guys for a long time at that point, but I noticed her because she just had an aura. I knew I wanted to get to know her.
Joy: I tagged along with my friends from another event. From Bogobiri, we were supposed to go somewhere again. But then, when we wanted to leave like two hours later, he walked up to us to say hi. I thought he looked good so when he asked to exchange numbers, I gave him my number.
He ended up coming with us and one of his friends to our next destination – a club. It was a Saturday night. We all hung out for a while then figured out how we would get home together. I ended up in the same cab as him, as the two people who didn’t have cars. He dropped off first and made me swear I’d text him when I was home and safe. So I did.
And that’s how the whole thing started.
What started exactly?
Joy: We would text and hang out all the time. Lunch today, drinks tomorrow, company events, sometimes. Most times, his and my friends would be there too, but we both knew we were getting close to each other.
I had a girlfriend at the time. We were pretty secretive about our relationship, as you can imagine. But we were still serious about each other until she decided to marry a man and we became more like a complicated situation. When it was five months into my new friendship with Yemi, I realised I was really lonely and wanted to be in something that felt secure, something I could be open about even if it wasn’t completely real.
So I tried to tease him into asking me out.
Yemi: I noticed she was coming on to me, but I didn’t want to reveal anything to her yet. I don’t know exactly why I asked her to be my girlfriend till today. Maybe a part of me just wanted to eat my cake and have it. I wanted to be close to her. I liked her laidback personality, and this woman is a beaut. Are you seeing her? But I also didn’t want her to know I was gay. I know that sounds stupid.
Not really. I’m curious how the relationship progressed considering your conflicting sexualities
Joy: We didn’t get into it right away.
First, we talked for about two to three months, and I do think we have such a strong emotional connection. You know how people say you can cheat just by offering yourself emotionally to people besides your partner or family members? I know what they mean. He really does feel like my soulmate despite my lack of interest in being intimate with him.
Yemi: We’re the best of friends. Our talking stage was one of the few great periods of my life, especially as I was just coming into having a social life at the time. We’d dissect things about each other. It was a period of soul-searching for me. She helped me discover what my preferences were. What was my favourite food or colour or kind of ambiance? She made me figure those things out.
Joy: I found it fascinating that he was just figuring out simple things like that about himself. It felt like he was finding himself through our discussions, and I was so happy to be a part of that. I knew what it was like to work at an intense, cut-throat job that takes like five years of your life without you even noticing.
I think, after that, we started to really need those conversations and verbal support from each other. I liked how open he was to listening to my thoughts and things I was happy or frustrated about without feeling like he needed to advise me or instruct me on the “right” decisions to make.
When did things get serious between you two?
Joy: We pretty much just started having more private outings. We’d go on dates just to talk more in person and have a good time alone together. But during this time, I did notice that he never tried to touch me or steal a kiss like guys tried to do in the past — even guys I wasn’t trying to get into a relationship with. I loved that he respected boundaries. Little did I know the real reason why.
Yemi: I was having a good time enjoying her company, but also debating in my head when I should come clean. I didn’t want her to run just yet. Around that time, I was sleeping with this guy I liked, but I still felt very lonely. On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating on two counts. Still, I went on with it because her company just made me happy.
Joy: Beyond the dates, he’d send me money all the time, so I started putting in effort to get him elaborate gifts on special occasions. We got to know each other’s parents — and they were all relieved that we weren’t gay — and we hadn’t even kissed at this point. I didn’t bring it up because I was completely okay with that.
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Please, at what point did the truth come out?
Yemi: It was getting to a year since we became more committed to each other, and we were talking more than ever, sharing some really sensitive details about our lives and past.
When I told her about it, it came so naturally. It was just time. I was like “I love you, but romantically, I like men.” I know it’s crazy, but because of the conversation we were having when it came out, I didn’t expect her to be shocked or angry at all. And she wasn’t. She was just like “Oh. I saw that coming.” And that’s when I knew she was my best friend. Just the tone and the look on her face. I knew she got me.
Joy: I smiled at him. But I didn’t tell him my part until much later. We continued like nothing had changed. We were even closer than ever. We were in each other’s flats all the time. We went everywhere together, except maybe work.
Why didn’t you just tell right away?
Joy: I didn’t want to overdo it with the revelations. I also wanted his own to land first. I had to process what that meant to our relationship, how lucky we actually were — two gays of opposite genders getting along so well. I didn’t want to potentially ruin that yet.
Yemi: Don’t mind her. She wanted to drag out my internal torture just a bit longer.
Joy: I was also spinning a plan together that I wanted to give myself time to sell to him.
Which was?
Joy: We could properly commit and give ourselves the freedom to be who we really were. I mean, what were the chances that we, gay millennials, would ever have the chance to be with and marry people we were actually attracted to?
I always tell people I’ve been cursed with an eternally broken heart. You think the streets are tough for you as a straight person? Try dating when everyone involved knows they don’t have to commit because they legally can’t. I thought, since we were in the same boat and understood each other so well, we could be each other’s family then get romance and sex elsewhere.
It’s worked out well for us so far.
Yemi: It’s not the most ideal situation, but she’s right, it works. I know I waited a year to tell her the truth about me, but I would’ve been miserable if I ended up having to lie to someone for real just because I wanted to get married and have a home. So many Nigerians do that, but I didn’t want to be forced to be that guy. I’m glad I met Joy.
Joy, how did you eventually own up and reveal your plan?
Joy: It took a couple of months.
It was a week to my birthday and we were making plans for a picnic with a few of our friends. I said I would’ve preferred it if it was just the two of us, and he frowned just a little bit. Then he said he’d love that too, but he hoped he wasn’t leading me on. When he said, “I can’t really offer you much beyond companionship”, my heart broke because I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I absolutely wanted the companionship he thought wasn’t a big deal.
Yemi: Meanwhile, I was beating myself up about everything.
Joy: I just started crying, and I saw the panic in his face. He thought I was heartbroken for the wrong reasons. But I couldn’t say anything because I was crying too hard. He started apologising, saying he’d step back and leave me alone if that’s what I wanted. I had to force the words out of my mouth that that was the last thing I wanted. When I calmed down, I told him I was a lesbian and I was sorry I didn’t tell him sooner.
He actually said he didn’t believe me.
Yemi: I honestly didn’t. I thought she was pulling my legs or just trying to make me feel better. For a slim second, I even thought she made it up just because she liked me so much that she didn’t want me to leave.
Joy: But why are you so conceited?
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Why does it feel like you proposed to each other right after this episode?
Yemi: Not exactly. But she did tell me we could stay committed so we could both be gay in peace. While it felt conniving in a way, it also sounded like the answer to all my relationship problems.
Joy: My birthday came and went, and we basically stayed strong. I was at an age when everyone you know is married with two kids and people start asking you when your own will come. So, in my head, I was like let’s just do it. I was that sure I wanted to be committed to him. But at the same time, I wasn’t in a hurry. I wasn’t desperate for it. I was happy and independent, my career was going well and good enough money was coming in.
Yemi: It wasn’t until 2019, almost three years after we’d opened our closet to each other, that we started talking seriously about what our future together would look like. We’d both had steady sleeping partners for a while. It was time to be sure we were still on the same page. When she promised me she was, I went and got a ring and proposed to her over dinner at my place — I cooked!
Joy: The food was great; fried yam and stir-fry sauce. I debated telling him no at first. But I couldn’t do it. I said yes immediately, and we fell asleep on the couch after finishing a bottle of red wine between us. I called my mum first thing in the morning.
How was the wedding? Did you feel anyhow about the real situation of things as your families fussed over you?
Joy: They didn’t really fuss over us. My parents had given away three daughters at that point. They’d long given up on me. But yes, I wanted to tell my aunties that I was really a lesbian and this was all a cover, just to rile them up. Obviously, nothing would’ve been worth all the drama that would’ve caused.
Yemi: It was during COVID, so it was a quiet wedding. Most of my friends, the groomsmen, were queer. So besides maybe the elders in my family, I wasn’t really deceiving anyone. And for the elders, don’t we all have to deceive them over one thing or the other because they refuse to modernise their minds?
I won’t say I didn’t feel anyhow, but the fact that I knew Joy wasn’t in the dark on anything, and she actually initiated the idea, made me at peace.
Joy: At the end of the day, we really do love each other and are best of friends. It might be platonic, but I believe it’s just as powerful as the romantic version.
And what’s married life like while hiding your sexuality from the world?
Joy: There’s been drama, but not too much. Thankfully, our society doesn’t expect PDAs anyway, so we’re good.
Yemi: It’s been just as dramatic as any other marriage can be. We have squabbles over the littlest things: toothbrushes, who should take out the trash, what to watch on TV. Oh, and figuring out our plan for kids was one long drama that brought in most of our family.
Joy: Shockingly, we didn’t have a broad enough conversation about children before the wedding. We knew we wouldn’t be having sex, but we somehow also wanted kids. There were the IVF or surrogacy options, but we didn’t have that kind of money at first, especially after paying for the rent and renovation of our new three-bedroom flat.
Yemi: So when, a year into our marriage, my mother started bringing up kids, we felt so sheepish. It came down to having sex just for procreation.
Joy: I couldn’t do it. I absolutely didn’t want to do it. In fact, I was so convinced it would ruin us and everything we’d built because I knew it would be an unpleasant experience for both of us. This hung over our heads for months, like it was the biggest life-changing decision of our lives.
Yemi: It was, in a way.
In the end, we decided to save up for a couple of months for the IVF. But then, it failed three whole times. We had a daughter in July 2023, and I like to ring it in her ears that we went bankrupt just to have her.
What about the “extra-marital” affairs? How do you navigate them within your marriage?
Yemi: You mean, the people we actually have sex with? It’s been strangely easy to manage so far. I was sure that was what would strain our marriage and have us ready to throw hands, but no. My current partner loves Joy and is in our home helping with our daughter a couple of nights a week. It might seem weird or complicated, but it really isn’t. Joy hasn’t quite had a steady partner in some time though.
Joy: No. For now, I’m okay with being purely maternal and a great companion.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Yemi: 10/10
Joy: Let’s call a spade a spade, please.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If there’s one thing common to most races, it’s that grandparents tend to be “softer” and more caring with their grandchildren than they were with their children. There are several notions as to why this is the case, but I spoke to Sophia* (53) for this story, and I found her reason quite interesting.
She’s a grandmother of two, and according to her, her grandchildren are an opportunity for her to undo her own parenting mistakes.
Parenting was hardly talked about in my younger days.
People talked about having children, the number you had and the usual complaint about stubborn children. But there was nothing like sitting down to discuss parenting methods. We all had the same method: Discipline and pray for the best.
I had my first daughter, Adaeze*, out of wedlock when I was 22, but I already knew I wouldn’t marry her father. He was a lazy man, and our fights were legendary. Anytime we argued, you could hear our voices two streets away. I was a somewhat successful okrika trader then, and I decided I wouldn’t tie my life to someone like that and probably end up breaking each other’s heads. I dropped Adaeze with my mother and continued my hustle.
My mum passed when Adaeze was three years old, so I had to bring her to live with me. I thought it’d be easier to take care of her since she wasn’t a baby anymore. I was wrong.
Adaeze was an extroverted, inquisitive child. The type we used to call “radio without battery”. My God, Adaeze could talk your ear off. She wanted to know everything and never sat down in one place for two seconds. She was also extremely playful. If you asked her not to touch something, she’d reply, “Why?” To me, it felt like she was questioning my authority, and I’d respond with beatings and punishments.
Whenever she started asking her one million questions about how the people on the TV climbed inside, I’d scream at her to keep quiet and let me rest. I’d never witnessed children pestering adults with questions, especially after a long day, and I thought I needed to “train” her to be more respectful and well-behaved.
I got married in 1997 and had two more children in quick succession. I basically replicated my parenting style on my two younger children. They weren’t as extroverted as Adaeze, but they also had the usual childlike exuberance, and I was determined to ensure they were well-behaved too.
By the time Adaze turned seven, she had become quieter and withdrawn. I thought she was finally growing up, so I didn’t mind. She was still doing well in school, so I thought I’d succeeded in training her.
I didn’t realise just how much damage had been done until she became a teenager. Those were tough years. She was a moody teen who rebelled a lot. I’d flog till I was tired, but it was like it gave her the energy to rebel even more. She’d hang out with boys and sneak out of the house while we slept.
My younger children weren’t as rebellious, but I felt so disconnected from them. Anytime I came home from work, I’d notice they’d immediately leave the sitting room to look for something to do. I was the wicked parent, and they were closer to their dad.
One day, I saw Adaeze’s diary hidden in the toilet, where she wrote about hating me and wishing to find her real father, and my heart just broke. I still screamed at her that day for being ungrateful upon all my sacrifices for her. I just didn’t know how else to handle it. I didn’t even know how to hug my children and tell them I loved them.
Adaeze and I maintained this fractured mother-daughter relationship till she married and had her own child in 2016. I think there’s something about becoming a mother that makes you want to be closer to your own mother. I’m grateful for that, because I honestly thought we’d never be close.
We have a better relationship now, but I can’t rewind time and undo my mistakes. I’m not even sure how to go about talking through how my parenting affected her. I’m still trying to manage my relationship with my other children. It’s not bad, but it’s not great either. We hardly talk unless I call them, and even then, it’s like I’m disturbing them. I don’t want to be old, and my children have no interest in visiting me because there’s nothing to even talk about.
I’m now a grandmother of two — Adaeze had another child in 2019 — and it feels like my second opportunity to be a better mother. It may be too late to be a mother my children can confide in, but at least, I can try with my grandkids.
Adaeze usually teases me that I indulge the kids and don’t allow her to scold them, but she doesn’t get it. How will she understand why I can’t afford to miss this opportunity to be a gentler and more open parent?
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Abiodun: Walking onto a train from Ibadan to Lagos and seeing her in the seat beside the one I was assigned. It was a fateful afternoon on May 21, 2022. After I sat, she looked at me with this bombastic side-eye.
Saidat: I did not. I was just hoping to travel without a seat partner that day. But he smelt nice, so I found myself smiling after a while. It was a nice first meeting.
Why was it a nice first meeting?
Saidat: He was a cool guy. I knew he was a bit older, and he acted his age. Very mature. We started a casual conversation some minutes into the ride. I think he mentioned how impressed he was with the quality of the train. He didn’t expect to be so comfortable.
It was his first time on it. Meanwhile, I was serving in Ibadan and had schooled in UI, so I’d taken the train several times already. I commented that he thinks too lowly of Nigeria. That’s how we discussed other topics and three hours passed like beans. It was my fastest train trip ever.
Abiodun: I was immediately interested in her because of how smoothly our conversations went. I hadn’t had that in a while with someone I’d just met. I admired her smartness too. She’s an original efiko.
Where did things go from there?
Abiodun: Naturally, I collected her number as we got ready to disembark. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to get something to eat with me, but I was in a hurry to meet up with an appointment, so we parted ways.
Saidat: Once I left the station, I didn’t think much of it again. I think I told my elder sister about this guy I had a good rapport with on the train, then I put him at the back of my mind. I came to Lagos for an event and was returning to IB the next day.
Abiodun: I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I called the next day and was so disappointed she’d left for Ibadan already. I wasn’t due back till a week later. As soon as I got back, I called her again. I don’t even know why. I just wanted to see her in a different scenario.
And what was the next meeting like?
Abiodun: It took about a week before she agreed to go see a movie with me. We didn’t end up seeing the movie because they changed the schedule last minute, and we had to wait almost two hours for the next reasonable movie. We ended up sitting down for ice cream and pizza.
Saidat: It was fun. We talked some more, got to know each other. And I enjoyed the conversation once again. He paid for everything, including my transport back and forth. That’s when I knew this uncle probably wanted something more. But I liked that he respected himself and wasn’t too forward.
I’d been talking to some other guys at the time, but he went to the top of my list quickly because we just got each other. Talking to him about personal things was easy, even over the phone. I also liked that he, unlike all the other guys, had a steady job and seemed to have his life figured out.
We continued on in this talking stage until I moved back to Lagos after I passed out of NYSC in November.
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Why did the talking stage take seven months?
Abiodun: It sounds crazy, but it didn’t feel that way at the time. We were just taking all the time we needed to get to know each other deeply and be friends first.
Saidat: I was comfortable with it. We didn’t have to define anything too soon because I was at a point in my life when I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. But then, the lines blurred while we were in Ibadan. We were technically in a talking stage, but soon, other things started happening.
By the time I left in November, we were more like a situation.
When you say “other things”…
Saidat: Things got physical. I was a corper. I wasn’t taking life seriously at the time.
Abiodun: The attraction was there. The feelings were there. But she wasn’t just in the right frame of mind yet, and I wanted to give her the space to figure herself out.
Saidat: November came and I was back in Lagos facing the job market and full adulthood. Though we said we’d continue figuring out what we had, the new distance between us made it harder for things to move forward. We spoke over the phone on and off until it was getting to Valentine’s Day 2023. I told him I was expecting a lot from him since he’d been leading me on for so long.
Abiodun: I took a leave from work and came to Lagos the weekend before Valentine. We spent about three days hanging out. Sometime on the day itself, I decided we had to label our relationship once and for all.
Saidat: That night, he called me and said, “Can I call you my girlfriend now?” I wanted to say yes, but then, I remembered he was still based in Ibadan. I wasn’t hoping to live there again anytime soon. I asked if he ever planned to relocate to Lagos. He said no. I was torn. I couldn’t imagine myself doing long distance forever. So I posted him.
I thought the relationship would end there, but guess who started visiting Ibadan every month from then on?
Hmm. A finished woman?
Abiodun: We went back and forth on our special train to see each other. She came more because it took her a while to get a job. Then she got a bank job and our visits reduced to every other month. At a point, my neighbours started calling her my wife. Mind you, we still hadn’t committed.
Saidat: I didn’t like the long-distance thing at all. I didn’t think it was sustainable. But I’d been talking to other guys and not a single one was meeting my small standards. They weren’t as easy to get along with as AB, so I didn’t want to let him go.
He was helpful in ways I don’t get from these guys either. I mean, career advice and such. My relatives are helpful, but he just knows a lot about how to get ahead and helps me stay disciplined.
Have you guys worked out the distance problem yet?
Saidat: Nope. We’re still on it. I’ve been travelling to see him less since I got deep into office work some months ago. These days, I’m just tired and want to sleep any time I have a little free time. But we’re always talking over the phone, and sometimes, it feels like we’re already dating. Other times, it’s like we’re just best friends. I don’t know how to figure it out.
Abiodun: I know last last, I’ll have to relocate if I want this to work. I’m already searching for opportunities in Lagos. I need to show her I’m serious about her. But right now, she’s not even giving me face. I’m not so sure what we are anymore.
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Are you sure about moving? Don’t you have family in Ibadan?
Abiodun: I do. My mum. But I live alone. If I move to Lagos, I can still always visit. Many of my friends are in Lagos already. It’s the place everyone wants to be.
The only reason I haven’t moved since is because I work with an established company. I’ve been with them for seven years now. They retained me after my own NYSC, and it’s one of those jobs people pray for. I can’t just let it go like that. That’s why any opportunity that brings me to Lagos has to make sense.
Saidat: I’m not saying you should leave your perfect job for me o.
Abiodun: My mum won’t mind me leaving as long as it’s for greener pastures, and I can continue sending funds for my two younger siblings’ school fees.
Saidat, how does your family feel about the relationship?
Saidat: Only my siblings know for now, and they’re supportive. They don’t want me to move back to IB though. But mostly because they don’t want to be apart from me. My elder sister also doesn’t want to see me move in with a man so early.
Abiodun: I’ve met all her siblings, and they love me. I can’t wait to meet her parents too. It’s clear to see they’re such a close-knit family unlike what I’m used to. I can’t wait to experience that with her.
But what if you’re never able to move to be with her?
Abiodun: Never say never. There’s always a way. Why won’t Lagos have a good enough opportunity for me? It’s only a matter of time.
Saidat: Energy! I think we’ll be fine either way. Maybe I’ll talk myself into moving to be with him.
Abiodun: Something must sha happen. I’m tired of this one step forward two steps backward in our relationship. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and she’ll say, “Sorry, I’ve moved on with someone else.” Distance is a bastard sha.
Have you had a major fight yet?
Abiodun: No. No major fights.
Saidat: But we argue about the distance a lot. He also gets touchy when I tell him men are toasting me.
Abiodun: People are always in her DMs or chatting her up on WhatsApp. Why did I have to fall for such a hot cake, God? These days, I just take it in my stride and appreciate her for being transparent with me. It’s not like I’m not talking to girls on my side either.
Saidat: We’re not exactly exclusive right now. But I think deep down, he’ll always have my heart.
That’s nice
Saidat: Another thing we fight about when I’m at his place is little things like cleaning after himself and not wanting me to move things around too much. He lives in organised chaos and still acts protective over where things like his remotes or toiletries are kept. He’s getting too used to this bachelor life.
Abiodun: This is why you need to come and save me from it.
Saidat: Who is saving you?
Won’t this become an issue when you finally enter the relationship?
Saidat: If it becomes an issue, it’ll be a really small one. We won’t have to make into a big deal. I think it’s one of those relationship differences you have to tolerate.
Abiodun: I don’t even remember the scenarios she’s describing. It’s definitely a small thing. We’re very easygoing with each other. We cut each other some slack because we know neither of us is perfect. Let’s get past the relationship huddle first.
Can you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Abiodun: We neva even start. 1 o. Or 2, just so you know there’s love there.
Saidat: Come on nau. Me, I’ll say 5. I think we’d have drifted apart a long time ago if we didn’t have something good. You’ve actually been my personal person in so many ways so far. Thank you.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
