So, the forces of the universe have united against you and decided you should be lonely at the top on Valentine’s Day? Not the best time to be alone if you ask us. But since an idle hand is satan’s workshop or whatever they say, we have the perfect lineup of activities to help you survive the day.
Draw up a “must visit” list
You know how you make a mental list of all the friends you’ll visit during festive seasons? Do the same for Valentine’s Day. Rank your female besties from “Her boyfriend is rich AF” to “At all at all na im bad pass”, and plan who to visit.
Befriend your bestie’s boyfriend
Think about it. Who knows your besties better than their BFs? You. Who knows all the things they want to see in their Valentine’s Day gift box? Also, you. So, get to work and become their BF’s personal shopping assistant and gifting advisor. Then show up on Val’s Day to retrieve the reward for your hard work.
Set leg
Relationship people will be everywhere in their droves on February 14, and believe us when we say they’ll be annoying AF. Set leg for any couple, just because you can. Who knows? You might just be the one to fall… inside one relationship.
Judge relationship people
Anyone who tells you to go off social media is bad vibes. Where’s the fun in that when you can stay and judge the gifts given, the gifter and the giftee?
Beg your Odogwu
Thanks to your single-pringleness, it won’t get any tender loving care or affection on a day dedicated to love. If it doesn’t take sorry, just beat it.
Go hard on the house chores
If you stay with your parents, when you finish the chores, they’ll bless you with an important prayer point: “God will provide your partner at the right time”. You might not get a lover this year o, but your story will definitely change in 2025.
Go outside and find love
If you’ve decided you absolutely cannot spend February 14 alone, head out as early as 5 a.m. Go to the busiest bus stop in your area, and position yourself by the roadside. Person go toast you before noon, like the babe in this Love Life.
Or just love yourself
Listen, nobody can love you like you love yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and have the sickest house party with the man in the mirror. It might give off strong “This is madness” vibe, but it’s the character development you need to survive relationship shege.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Gbemi: I was standing on the road, waiting for a bus or bike, when this car stopped in front of me and wound down. It was actually the second car that stopped to offer me a ride that evening, but the no in my head immediately turned to yes when I felt the AC blow out of his car. I quickly thanked him and opened the door.
Muiz: I remember seeing this fine girl standing close to the bus stop. I wanted to get her out of the sun and into my life.
I’d just come out of a long relationship with someone I was sure I would marry, so I wasn’t thinking about a relationship when I decided to offer her a ride. I only wanted fine company and to give her some comfort.
Hmm. Were you both going the same way?
Muiz: She said she was going home, but she lived much further than my destination. I thought I’d drop her as far as I could go, and at least, I’d have made some part of her journey comfortable.
Gbemi: Unfortunately, it would’ve been hard to get a straight bus home anywhere around where he was going compared to where he’d picked me up from. When I told him this, he felt bad, so I downplayed it. I really didn’t want to get out of his car. It was so chilled and smelt nice. On top of that, he had Keri Hilson, one of my favourite R&B musicians, playing on his radio. I would’ve followed him wherever.
Muiz: We got to talking. I asked her about work, her family. I’m generally a curious person, so I’m always asking people everything about themselves. But with this complete stranger, I felt particularly interested. I like the way she speaks. Na she learn English pass everyone in Nigeria.
I ended up taking her all the way to her house because I wanted to hear more, and I didn’t feel comfortable dropping her on the road anymore.
So you liked each other already at this point?
Muiz: When I think back now, I think I loved her already. I’m not normally nice enough to drive complete strangers to their doorstep that’s at least 30 minutes away from where I’m going. I’ve never done that before. But also, I wasn’t tripping in any way I ever had before. I genuinely enjoyed her company like I would a friend that I love.
Gbemi: I enjoyed how curious he was about my life and how much he really seemed to listen. At the same time, I didn’t get that vibe that he could be a criminal planning to kidnap or assault me. Girls will understand what I mean. I was so comfortable being in his car and talking to him that it didn’t even occur to me until later that night that I should’ve been more on guard.
From that day until today, he’s never left my mind for one second.
Muiz: We didn’t even collect numbers that night. When I left her house, I started regretting, but I still had my last relationship to manage.
I’d broken up with my ex when I found out she’d been cheating for a while, but she was still harassing me to get back together. I just wanted peace of mind for a while.
But?
Gbemi: Some weeks later, he came to my house to ask about me.
He’d come some days before, when I wasn’t home and left a handwritten note with my maiguard. Nothing romantic. It was something like “Just so you know I dropped by. I hope your life is going fine.”
Muiz: When I finally met her at home, the first thing I asked for was her number. We went to a nearby eatery to chat for like an hour over chips and chicken. After that day, we talked on the phone regularly for months.
What were you talking about?
Gbemi: Nothing really. They weren’t long calls. I think the point was this constant need to check up on each other.
Muiz: One day, we talked about this bulb that just stopped working in my room. Another day, it was how I wished she’d come cook asaro for me in my house.
Gbemi, did you go and cook asaro in his house?
Gbemi: Before we got married, never.
Muiz: I tried my best to make her, but she no gree.
Gbemi: I was too busy making it every other day in my father’s house to come and continue the struggle in another man’s house.
So when did you accept that you loved each other?
Muiz: One day, I was on the phone with her when my friend, who was crashing at my place that week, told me to just ask her out. He was like the way I was smiling while talking to her was not normal.
I thought about it and realised he was right. She really made me happy.
I remember, when I met my ex, it was chaos from beginning to end. I liked her because she was crazy and made me feel alive. But with Gbemi, I have peace and it’s like I’m in heaven with God’s angels.
Gbemi: I always looked forward to our calls. They were short and sweet and left me feeling good about myself. It just got to a point when, once I saw his call, I’d drop everything to answer no matter what I was doing or who I was talking to. My siblings used to laugh at me all the time.
Also, one of the reasons why I never passed the talking stage with other guys was because they’d always make snarky comments. One time, I made a passing comment about my hair, and this guy responded that he hoped I wasn’t trying to get him to pay for it. Another one, we were at a restaurant waiting for our food when I grumbled about them not giving us garlic bread and water to just hold our belly. He responded that “Are you trying to impress me?”
But Muiz never made condescending comments like that. He was always sensitive and thoughtful. I noticed that very quickly.
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How did the asking out go?
Muiz: It took her a week to say yes. She kept saying she’d think about it, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for a relationship.
Gbemi: He was the only guy I ever dated. Before him, it was eternal talking stage after talking stage. I don’t count the guys I dated in school because those ones weren’t serious.
Muiz: Someone somewhere is telling people you were their girlfriend. Not knowing you’ve erased them from your history.
Gbemi: Sorry for them.
I was scared because I felt I liked him too much. I was already thinking of what I’d do if he broke my heart. I sha said okay after a while because he kept sending me gifts. Every day, he’d send me something small: a novel, a pair of earrings, a CD of my best series. I had no choice but to agree.
What was dating like?
Gbemi: Nothing changed for at least a year. Except that I went to his house sometimes. We mostly spoke over the phone.
He continued sending me small small gifts, but of course, not as often. I still have some of those gifts together in a box somewhere.
Muiz: It made me feel much better knowing we were exclusive. I just knew I could trust her to be faithful and that made me love her even more.
Gbemi: Then toward the end of 2013, I met his so-called ex and she did everything she could to frustrate our relationship.
What happened?
Gbemi: The first time I met her was at an event I attended with Muiz. The funny thing was I was admiring her from afar. I didn’t even know who she was, but she was dressed so beautifully. I was about to compliment her when someone introduced us, and she just snubbed me.
Muiz: Then I don’t know how she got Gbemi’s number, but she started harassing her with calls and threatening messages.
Gbemi: I had to block her.
Muiz: I thought she’d gotten over me. But the moment she found out I was in another relationship, she started her drama again. There’s no one I didn’t call to warn her, from her mother to her grandmother.
Gbemi: One day after we got married, we randomly walked past each other on the road, and she just shoved me back. It remained small, I would’ve fallen right on the road, and a bike zoomed past right after.
My whole body was shaking, my heart was banging. By the time I’d settled down, she was gone.
How were you guys able to marry despite her disturbance?
Muiz: We ignored it as best we could. It wasn’t something that was in our face all the time.
Gbemi: We also talked about it. I asked about their relationship because I wanted to understand why she was behaving like that. But I think that’s just her personality.
Did her behaviour scare you?
Gbemi: It did.
Sometimes, I’d think to myself, what if this babe tries to attack us in our home or sends boys to beat me or pours acid on my face? But then, I had to just calm myself down.
Muiz: I kept reassuring her and doing my best to caution my ex.
By early 2014, I knew I wanted us to get married as quickly as possible. I proposed in my sitting room one day, and as soon as she said yes, I went to meet her dad.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
How did it go?
Muiz: Her dad told me, “Uncle, she’s my last born. You have to treat her like an egg.” He made me swear on my life that I would.
Gbemi: Muiz was intentional about everything. Our parents set a date for six months after the proposal to give us time to plan properly and raise money. At no point during this period did I even think about his ex. My mind was completely at peace because I loved him and I wanted him to be my forever.
What was it that made you guys so sure of each other?
Gbemi: For me, it’s his character. He’s a serious-minded person. He’s sure of himself and intentional. He made and still makes me feel secure.
He also always shows genuine interest in me and the things that make me happy. My career, hobbies, likes and dislikes? He pays attention.
Muiz: She’s smart and has always had her priorities straight. She’s good with work and money, but she also always puts me first.
Then, there was just this sense of trust between us. When I say something, she takes it like that. She doesn’t get suspicious without provocation just because I’m a man. I can’t give a specific example, but I really valued that.
What was life after the wedding like?
Gbemi: Beautiful. We had a great honeymoon period without the honeymoon. The ex tried her best to ruin things, but she didn’t succeed.
Tried to ruin things?
Gbemi: She was always showing up at events and putting undue attention on us. Or trying to get in touch with either of us through unknown numbers.
The worst was when she showed up at my office calling me a husband snatcher. It was so embarrassing. But more for her than me because no one really took her seriously.
Muiz: I felt bad that she was doing these things. Not just because of how uncomfortable it made Gbemi, but also because this was someone I dated for close to four years. Sometimes, I’d ask myself, “Did I do something wrong to her to make her act this way?”
But she cheated on me. I will never understand why she behaved that way after. Those were crazy times.
Did she eventually stop or you got the police involved?
Muiz: She did not o. We had to leave the country for her.
Gbemi: I’d been a customer service worker at an international airline for about eight years when in 2017, they transferred me to their office in Jordan. They paid for me to relocate and covered part of the costs for my spouse.
Muiz: It was a lucky break for us because we’d just found out she was pregnant before she received the promotion. In fact, we had to hide the pregnancy from the company. Let them not change their minds. You know these big companies can be funny at times.
Gbemi: Come and see us praying to God that my belly doesn’t become obvious before the trip finally happened. That’s how we escaped the crazy ex o.
We’re now in Canada with our own travel consulting business, so we’re grateful to God for how everything worked out.
Sweet. What was your first major fight about?
Muiz: We have two boys, and if we’ve ever had major fights, it was probably triggered by them.
Gbemi: We have very different approaches when it comes to parenting.
I’d always told myself I’d be the type of parent to understand my kids and talk to them like they had sense. Muiz is much more traditionally Nigerian, although he’s been taking some of my suggestions.
Muiz: At the end of the day, I believe discipline wins when it comes to children.
Gbemi: But I draw the line when it comes to shouting at them. I always disagree with that and intervene when I have to.
Muiz: We’ve never had a major fight outside of that. I don’t think we ever even argued before we got married.
How does a major difference like that affect your marriage?
Gbemi: I see it as part of the package of growing old together, so I try not to internalise it or make it about me.
He’s gotten better. I’ve noticed him grow much softer, especially with our second son. He’s much more willing to have conversations with them and get on their level.
Muiz: Parenting as a whole, how much time we devote to caring for the boys, takes a toll on our relationship. There are many times when, between work, the boys, and even school — because she’s studying for an MBA and I’m taking some courses — we don’t have as much one-on-one time as we’d like.
But I know one day soon, we’ll find ourselves retired and the kids will have moved out to start their lives, and we’d have all the free and peaceful time in the world. So I’m not worried.
If she’s too soft with them, it only balances out my occasional harshness.
Gbemi: The important thing is he’s a good father and his love shines through most of his actions towards them. And that’s where I come in.
Great. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of one to ten?
Muiz: 10 because I can’t really imagine things being better than this.
Gbemi: 10. Our journey has been nothing short of perfect so far.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
So, you’ve done some introspection ahead of February 14 and in your heart of hearts, you can’t shake the feeling that tears of ecstasy should be one of the main characters in your Valentine’s Day special for the LOYL. If you ask us, we’ll say it’s doable.
We know just the right things you need to do.
Start by telling him he’ll cry
No, you’ve not taken away the element of surprise. This is the only way to set yourself up for success. Remember, men already see tears as a form of weakness, so the last place they want to do it is mid-coitus. But once you tell him your intentions, there’s a chance he’ll let down his guard. Now, get to work.
Oil up…But with Aboniki
If you’re serious about making a man cry in bed, you have to be willing to take one for the team. In this case, that means enduring the biting hotness of Aboniki balm spread in the crevices of your body parts. There’s no better way to set the mood. By the time you lean into him on the bed, his eyes will be wet from mentholated desire.
Attack his ears
The ear is an erogenous zone. So, you’re going for a mix of touch and truth here. Gently tug at his ear with your mouth, and bite it softly. He’ll be tickled at first, but you’ll get him to relax when you moan and breathe heavily into his ear. When he starts to reach for you and begins to mutter in pre-cum lingo, tell him the day’s dollar to naira rate. He’ll cry, but they’ll be tears of joy because he’d orgasm at that point too.
We interrupt this programme to ask: where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
And the soles of his feet
If the tears don’t come after working on his ear, go for the soles of his feet and put your tongue to work. This one might get a little loud, so you probably want to stuff his mouth with something and throw in a handcuff to restrain his hands. Next up, go crazy on his feet with your tongue. It’s like tickling, it always ends up in tears.
Bite his nipples
Start by twirling your tongue around the edges of his nipple. When you notice the skin taking on a semi-hard form, bite down softly and watch him let out that moan. But to get those tears, bite down as hard as you will a piece of shaki, and follow it up with more tongue twirling. He’ll go into a brief moment of shocked mute, then the tears will follow.
Use teeth
Look, forget people who say you don’t need teeth. If you want to stain your bed sheet with that man’s hot tears, we say teeth is where it’s at. Bite down softly on his odogwu, and just before he lets out a scream of pain, follow it up with the slurpiest glock glock 3000 you can manage. He’ll crumble in a puddle of orgasm-induced tears.
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Get on top
No better way to achieve peak vulnerability than staring deep into each other’s souls mid-mekwe, and realising that there’s no other person you’d have digging your well and cultivating your farmland. This is the only position where this will work. But be warned, you may also shed a tear or two with this one.
Post-nut adulations
In the rare chance that all of the above doesn’t work, read that man a Shakespearean poem or something heartfelt while he’s collecting his consciousness from the throes of pleasure. Hail his odogwu for a job well done, pet it even. And watch his eyes swell with tears of appreciation.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
What are your earliest memories of money?
Francis: I visited my cousin when I was around seven and was shocked to see he had money saved in a kolo. The money must’ve been like ₦50, but it was a huge discovery because it just clicked in my head that children could have money.
Helen: It’s funny how kolo is my earliest money memory, too. I was about nine years old when I watched my mum break her kolo after I complained about my teacher flogging me for not paying school fees. She gathered the money and dragged me to school to cuss out the teacher.
You didn’t know children could have money?
Francis: It wasn’t a thing in my house. My siblings and I were never given money for snacks in primary and secondary school because there was always home-cooked food. My mum was something of a “money police.” If any of us were found with money, we’d have to explain where it came from. So, anytime relatives dashed us money, we immediately gave it to our mum out of habit.
On the other hand, my dad didn’t take things seriously like that. When I entered secondary school, he let me keep the small change from the errands I ran for him.
I’m now curious about what money was like growing up
Helen: There wasn’t a lot. I lost my dad at 6. My mum said he was a banker, and we were ballers when he was alive. But I have no memory of this.
When he died, his siblings grabbed his properties and pushed my mum aside because she “only had one girl”.
My mum — who was previously a stay-at-home mum — had to start selling clothes to survive. I remember she fasted a lot, but I realised later that it may have been because there wasn’t enough food for us. She was the OG independent babe, though: I never saw her ask for help or handouts from anyone. She taught me how to hustle and not wait for no man to use ₦2k to shakara me.
Preach it
Francis: Things were different for me. Both parents worked in the civil service, so we didn’t struggle. My mum was just stingy. You had to present a dissertation to convince her that you needed to buy a bicycle.
Screaming
Francis: My dad was the lau lau spender, and this caused clashes between him and my mum. He once bought two of those big DSTV satellite dishes for the two TVs in the house without telling anyone and paid for the premium subscription. These things just came out and were crazy expensive.
My mum felt vindicated when he had issues at work in 2006 and was transferred out of spite to another department where he wasn’t getting as much money.
Wait. Tell me about that
Francis: There’s a lot of “chop, make I chop” in civil service, and everyone is involved in it somehow. My dad worked in procurement and handled contractor bids. He didn’t have the authority to accept or reject a bid — that came from the higher-ups. But it was obvious the contractors either “settled” the bosses or inflated the cost so they could use the excess to “show appreciation”.
No one will come and tell you directly, but you can hear that Oga is sharing ₦10k with everyone in the department for the weekend. So, he always had extra money apart from his salary.
Interesting
Francis: I think my dad started discussing with his colleagues how one contractor was doing rubbish but kept getting renewed. I don’t have the full story, but his comments may have rubbed some people off the wrong way. He got transferred, and the cash flow stopped. We didn’t go broke, but there was no more calling Daddy to buy ice cream when returning from work.
I think I got the lau lau spending from him, though. In 2009, I started writing notes and doing assignments for people in uni for random ₦1ks and ₦2ks just because I’d finish my ₦10k monthly allowance in a week buying suya for babes or buying them food, as per baba for the girls.
Helen: Wow. But me I didn’t see your money to chop o.
Wait. You both met in university?
Helen: Yes. In 2013. He was a final-year student, and I was a hustling second-year student. I’d just started selling chiffon shirts in the hostel to supplement my ₦5k allowance. We met through a mutual friend and started dating soon after.
Where were you both financially at this time? How come you didn’t see his money to chop?
Helen: I was making approximately ₦10k monthly from my business. I sold far more than that every month, but the profits weren’t all mine because I bought the shirts from an okrika vendor and added a small amount of money on top, so it’d still be affordable.
About not seeing his money to chop, I wasn’t looking for his money, TBH.
Francis: She’s the one Neyo talked about in ‘Miss Independent’. I was broke then, though. My dad had just retired, so money from home wasn’t regular. Any money I made from doing assignments or billing any of my older siblings went into my project and trying to stay afloat.
But you had time to get into a relationship. Love it
Francis: Wetin man go do? Looking back, I realise it wasn’t a great time to start a relationship. In 2014, I went for NYSC in a different state, and my income was ₦24,800 — NYSC allowance + a ₦5k stipend from my PPA. We had to navigate long-distance, which was hard. And then she lost her mum and decided she didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
Helen: Ah ah. It wasn’t like that.
So sorry about your loss. What was it like, though?
Helen: It was tough because I had to become solely responsible for myself. My aunt from my mum’s side who could help was also struggling, so I was basically on my own. I remember looking for ₦50k to sort out something at school, which seriously bothered me.
Whenever we talked on the phone, he’d ask several times what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want it to look like I expected him to start giving me money. So, I just told him we needed to take a break.
Why did you think sharing your problems meant you were asking for money?
Helen: It was something I subconsciously picked up from my mum. Growing up, she was very particular about me not depending on guys. We could be watching movies together, and she’d point out how the actress felt indebted to the guy because he helped her. Or how the guy thought the babe was billing him simply because she was sharing her issues.
I had a similar experience with a previous “toaster”. We were talking on the phone, and I randomly mentioned that I needed to end the call because my charger had issues; I couldn’t charge the phone and stay on the call. He said something like, “We haven’t even started dating, and you’re already telling me your problems.”
Ah.
So, it was like a reflex reaction to lock up and solve my problems myself. I wanted to be in a better place financially before focusing on relationships. It was time to double my hustle.
How did that go?
Helen: I did all sorts. I sold perfume oils, plantain chips and chin-chin at different points until my final year in 2016. Then, a friend introduced me to social media management, and it was like my big break. My first job paid ₦60k/month. When NYSC came around in 2017, my monthly income had grown to ₦90k.
Coincidentally, NYSC posted me to the state he lived and worked in, and we picked up the relationship again.
Who made the first move to pick things back up?
Helen: I did. It wasn’t like we broke up and became enemies; we were still in touch. He was hurt, but we still talked, and I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone. So, I told him we needed to see, and we just talked it through.
Was this because you were in a better place financially?
Helen: Exactly.
Francis: We didn’t get back together until we properly discussed what went wrong the first time. And that’s how I understood that she needed to do it for herself because of where she was coming from.
To be honest, a part of me initially thought she wanted to give us a try again because I’d become something of a big boy. I’d gotten into product design and had a ₦100k/month job. But if there’s anything she chases, it’s how to make her own money. We’ve been married for three years now, and she’s still the same independent, strong head.
What was dating like the second time? Were there other money clashes?
Helen: Oh, there were. We didn’t have money conversations the first time. Add that to the fact that we became long-distance shortly after we started dating; we didn’t navigate situations like who pays during the date or stuff like that.
But then we started dating again, and he’d take me for dates weekly and insist on paying. He’d also buy gifts when coming to visit me. I thought it was too much and told him so.
Francis: Me, I was confused. I thought I was doing what was expected, but she didn’t like it. It caused some arguments because I thought she wasn’t being appreciative. I told my friends, and some of them thought I was a lucky bastard. Others suggested she had someone else giving her more money.
How did you both navigate this?
Helen: It took a while, but I got better at letting him know that I appreciated him wanting to take care of me, but I didn’t want to feel too relaxed or dependent. More importantly, I wanted to chip in too.
Francis: So, we developed a turn-by-turn approach to our dates. I’d pay today, and she’d pay the next time we went out. I didn’t compromise on gifting, though. I still bought them as regularly as I wanted.
What’s the most expensive gift you ever got her?
Francis: A piece of land just before our wedding in 2020. I knew she wanted to own land one day and had saved up about ₦200k for it. A friend told me about a really good real estate deal, and I thought it was perfect for her. The cost was about ₦1m.
So I told her about it and said I’d pay the balance. The ₦800k was money I’d gathered from a work bonus and other monies towards the wedding. But it was COVID year, and no one was doing big parties anyway, so it all worked out.
Helen: It’ll always be the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.
That’s really sweet. How does money work in your home now?
Helen: We go 50/50 on everything. It sounds like we see finances as an individual thing, but it’s a joint feature in our lives.
Please explain
Helen: We have a joint account, and once we get our salaries, we send half of it to that account. We use the money in that account to settle our ₦650k/year rent, utility bills, food and other home expenses. The other half of our salaries is for each person to handle personal savings or other needs, including buying each other gifts.
Francis: Sometimes, if the joint expense is more than what we have in our joint account, we contribute equally from our savings to take care of it.
How did you decide this was what worked for you guys?
Helen: I’ve always struggled with depending totally on people. So, if he isn’t handling all the expenses, how do we decide who handles what? 50/50 seemed straightforward, and it’s worked well for us so far.
Does “so far” mean it could change in the future?
Helen: Maybe. Especially if we have kids. Right now, the plan is to get nannies so I can work. But if, for any reason, having kids reduces my earning power, we’ll have to revisit our 50/50 strategy to fit our new reality.
You mentioned personal savings. How much do you both have saved right now?
Francis: I don’t have savings. I still have a spending problem, and sometimes I run to my wife to borrow money till the month’s end. But to be fair, I mostly spend it buying gifts for her. She doesn’t ask, but gift-giving is what I do for people I care about.
There’s also black tax. I send ₦60k to my parents in a good month. Sometimes more. They’re old and always need one medicine or the other.
Helen: I have about ₦500k in my savings. It’d be more if this uncle regularly repays what he borrows with actual money rather than payments “in kind”.
I’m dying. It looks like saving comes easier to you
Helen: It does. Most of my interests aren’t capital-intensive. My idea of enjoyment is staying home alone and watching movies. Plus, there’s no black tax anywhere.
What do joint expenses in a typical month look like for you?
How would you describe each other’s relationship with money?
Helen: He has an “it’s for spending” mindset about money. I know it is for spending, but how you spend it also matters. I’ve tried to get him to use an expense tracker, but he says it’s too much work.
Francis: On the other hand, I think she needs to take money less seriously. Her scarcity mindset sometimes makes her forget that we aren’t doing too badly for ourselves.
How do you both reconcile these differences?
Helen: I went into our marriage expecting I’d be able to influence his spending behaviours directly. But that was a recipe for disaster. He thought I was nagging, and we had a bit of friction. But I’ve learned to leave him to it. He contributes his part to the home expenses, so I try not to overthink what he does with his money. I know his intentions are from a good place.
Francis: I jokingly call her the family accountant. I try to convince her to live a little, but her money habits don’t really hurt anyone, so we just take it a day at a time.
What’s something you wish you could be better at financially?
Francis: Investments. Saving doesn’t work for me because looking at the money is enough reason to spend it. But if it’s locked somewhere, I have no choice but to wait it out. I’m also wary of investments that will carry my money away, so I’m still carefully considering my options.
Helen: I’ll say investments too — specifically foreign investments. The way the naira is falling these days is enough to tell anyone that keeping money in naira won’t do any good.
Is there something you want, but can’t afford?
Helen: A house.
Francis: We have yet to make any concrete plans, but it’ll definitely be our next big project within the next five years.
How much do you think you should both be earning by then?
Helen: At least $1,500/month. I know several colleagues who work with international organisations, so that’s my next career goal. There’s a limit to how much a content strategist can make with Nigerian companies; I don’t want that to limit me. I’m focused on building a personal brand to pitch myself to my international startups.
Francis: Any amount in dollars is okay for me, really. The naira is terrible, and I feel like I could be earning ₦600k tomorrow, but my earning power would be the same as my current salary because of inflation. I plan to keep changing jobs till I get there.
How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10?
Helen: 6. I’m doing okay, but I need to earn in dollars before I feel like I’m being adequately compensated for my work.
Francis: Also a 6. But my score is because I know I still have a long way to go to achieve financial discipline.
Editor’s note: Names have been changed for anonymity.
If you’re interested in talking about your Naira Life story, this is a good place to start.
The race is on. It’s operation “Find love before Valentine’s Day”. Whether you intend to do that by entering someone else’s relationship isn’t the focus today. The focus is making sure your Valentine is a corporate girlie for these key reasons.
You won’t need to go over the top
She’ll be at work on Valentine’s Day, so no need to worry about spending the day at a resort or any crazy thing like that. What about after work, you ask? Traffic and the stress of capitalism will mean all she wants to do is sleep. Same applies to the weekend. Just get her a gift box and call it a day.
Or break the bank
She’ll appreciate anything you give her because she’s working class; she knows what it means to collect salary today and go broke the next.
You can easily be intentional with your gifts
Why buy a corporate girlie flowers when you can gift her a keg of fuel or bag of rice, and she’ll love you forever?
Behold our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
You’ll get a gift too
One thing about corporate girlies is they aren’t stingy. Even if it’s singlet and boxers they can afford, best believe you’ll get something.
You can cheat in peace
Another good thing about her having to work on Valentine’s Day is you’ll have the time to take your other babes out. The “C” in corporate girlie stands for “considerate”. They just want to see other babes win too.
They won’t have time to cheat
The fact that she even has time to date you with all she has going on is commendable. If she ever gets tired of your cheating ass, she won’t even bother to do you back. She’ll just leave.
You’ll level up by force
How would you be with a corporate girlie and you aren’t killing it in your own field too? They aren’t about the mediocre life. So beyond Valentine’s Day, you’ll definitely level up or go home.
We got seven relationship people to share the dumbest things they’ve done for love and their stories are the only proof you need to confirm that truly, “Na mumu dey fall in love.”
But February is the only month in the year when we don’t judge people who have been, and are still, a fool for love.
Funmi*, 30
I went to undo my locs within 24 hours of getting it done because my guy at the time didn’t like it. My locs should be six years old now, but because of that stupid boy — whom I later found out had a series of ongoing relationships inside our relationship — they are now only three years old.
Dotun*, 28
I bought a dinner dress for my girlfriend with part of my school fees. Then I gave her my brand new phone and lied to my brother that it was stolen with my school fees. He gave me all his salary for the month and still got a new phone for me. She was my second girlfriend, and I intended to marry her three years after school. That never happened.
Feyi*, 31
Because of love, I travelled from Porto Novo (the Capital of the Benin Republic) to Ile-Ife at about 5 p.m. We got to the Sagamu interchange at about 10 p.m., and there was an ongoing armed robbery on the road. Nobody knew I was in Nigeria. My parents thought I was in Porto Novo… na me still end the relationship las las.
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Barakat*, 28
I borrowed ₦200k through a loan app for a guy I was dating. It ended in breakfast, and I never got my money back from him. It took me four months to repay the debt, and we had even stopped talking before I could complete it.
Damola*, 33
I travelled to Lagos from Ekiti to visit my man, but I didn’t get to see him until after three days. I was all alone in his house. When he finally came, he started ordering me around, and I obeyed every command. I cooked, cleaned, warmed water for his bath, and then he went out, saying he might not return that day. At no point did he ask how I was or how the trip to Lagos was. I always feel like slapping myself anytime I remember letting a man treat me like that.
Fisayo*, 24
I came to Lagos from Ife to visit a boy without informing my parents that I was back in town. My uncle saw me, but he wasn’t sure it was me after I denied him. He dialled my number on the spot, but thankfully, my phone wasn’t with me. I was holding a phone, so that was enough to convince him I was someone else. He went on and on about how God created people in twos.
John*, 48
I left Lagos for Osogbo on a Friday evening after work to pay my girlfriend a surprise visit at her school. Got there and met another dude in her hostel room. From the looks of it, they were cohabiting and were an item. She said he was her cousin who was squatting till he got his own hostel apartment, but it was an obvious lie. We all slept on the same bed together, and I left the next morning feeling like a grade 1 mumu man.
Valentine’s Day will come and go. But you can have an anti-Valentine’s Day, and have a better time than all the lovey-doves out there, with these tips.
Swear off love songs
No space for love songs here. Start by sticking to Omah Lay and Passenger to set the tone.
All-black everything
Be the black sheep of the season while everyone obsesses over red and white. We’re talking all-black everything from your head to your toes. It’s not your concern who thinks you look dangerous; you’re a threat to love.
Behold, our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
Embrace the single life
No better time to ride harder for singledom than on Valentine’s Day. Opt to work from home and spend the whole day indoors with yourself.
Birds of the same feather
Hit up your fellow Valentine’s Day haters. Miserable loves company, trust me.
Throw a singles-only party
Then all of you should throw the liveliest party to rival whatever the relationship people have going on with their ₦350k flowers.
Stay off the internet
Disconnect for a day so nobody can oppress you.
Go on a solo trip
Channel your inner Pelumi Nubi and create your own adventure.
My life changed forever on the night of March 11, 2012. That was the night my dad died while trying to cross the road, unaware that he was walking directly into the path of an okada with no headlights. My housemistress told me the news the next day at school. I was 13, and I was shattered.
I was a proper daddy’s girl. Of my parents’ two girls, I was the one who looked most like him. I was also the only child for the first ten years of my life. There are stories of how, as a toddler, I’d follow my dad everywhere, even to the toilet. I rarely let my mum pick me up. It was always “my daddy”.
I think my mum started to resent how close I was to him. As I grew older, I began to call my dad “my love” because that’s what he called me too. My mum would make offhand remarks about how I was ganging up with her husband against her or how I came to steal her husband, and my dad would laugh over it.
Most times, the remarks had a tense undertone. Especially when she tried to flog me whenever I was naughty, and I’d run to my dad for help. He preferred to punish by taking away my toys and talking things over. To my mum, he was just spoiling me, and they clashed over it regularly.
Maybe he did spoil me, but I preferred hanging out with him. I even used to run away from the sitting room once I heard my mum returning home from her shop because she always seemed angry. When she gave birth to my sister, it was like they divided the children among themselves. I was daddy’s girl, and my sister was mummy’s girl. So, it all worked out.
Then my dad died, and it felt like my person had left. I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother, so I couldn’t process my grief with her. I’m not even sure how she processed hers. She just cried for a few days and kept to herself. When the relatives and mourners finally left our house after the burial, all that was left was empty silence. My sister was three years old and didn’t really understand what was happening.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to navigate the silence for long because I returned to boarding school. But whenever I was home, the silence was there. When we weren’t silent, she was scolding me for one thing or the other. I either didn’t sweep well enough or didn’t mop the way she would have.
I finished secondary school in 2014 and returned home to pursue a university admission. 2014 was also the year my mum remarried. Two months before the wedding, she called me and my little sister to the sitting room and told us we’d have a new daddy soon. I’m not sure I felt anything about it.
We met the man that week, and he seemed nice enough. The only thing on my mind was gaining admission and leaving them to it.
But admission didn’t come easy. I failed JAMB and had to wait an extra year at home. While I waited, I attended tutorial classes from morning to evening, and by the time I returned home at 6 p.m., it was usually just me and my mum’s husband. That was when he’d return from work, too, while my mum stayed at her shop till around 9 p.m. My sister’s school bus would drop her at the shop, so they always came home together.
The arrangement worked at first. I’d return home, cook dinner and serve her husband before going to my room for the rest of the night. But he started dropping comments like, “Why are you running to your room? Come and spend time with me.” Other times, he’d encourage me to greet him with hugs since “I’m like your dad.” I found the whole thing weird and just kept my distance.
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I finally gained admission in 2015. A week before I had to resume at the university, this man tried to rape me. That day, when he returned home from work, he tried to get me to hug him as usual, but I politely laughed it off and returned to my room.
A few minutes later, he called out to me to pick something from his room. I actually thought he was outside, but I entered the room, and he suddenly appeared from behind the door. It’s still a bit triggering to think about how he tried to pin me down and cover my screams with his lips and whispers of “Don’t be a baby, now.”
I’m not sure how I managed to escape. I must’ve kicked him because, one minute, he was on top of me, and the next, he was on the ground. I ran out of the house to our street junction to wait for my mum.
When I eventually saw her, I ran to her and narrated the whole thing. She was visibly shocked and even started crying. She led me back home and confronted her husband. The man denied the whole thing and claimed I ran out of the house because he caught me with a boy. He swore up and down that he’d never try such and I was just making things up.
My mum believed him. There was nothing she didn’t say to me that night. How I didn’t want her to enjoy her home. How I’d never been in support of her marriage. How I’d grown to be a liar and prostitute.
To this day, I don’t know if she truly believed I was capable of such a lie, or was simply choosing to make herself believe what she desperately wanted to be true.
I decided to avoid her husband as best as I could while I counted the days before I could leave for uni. The plan was to stay out all evening till my mum returned at night. But the first day I did that, he reported me to my mum, saying I didn’t cook his dinner. She warned me to never let that repeat itself, and that’s when I knew I had to find a way out.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode.
The next day, after they’d gone out, I took some clothes, my school documents and the ₦68k my mum hid somewhere and travelled to the state my university was located. It was about three days to resumption, and I didn’t have a plan or anywhere to stay.
But I got to the university in the evening and met some fellowship people on campus who were trying to mobilise fresh students. I told them I didn’t have anywhere to stay. They let me sleep in the fellowship hall for two days before their other members resumed, and I went to stay with one of them at their hostel.
My mum called me the day I left, screaming and calling me a thief. That went on for about two minutes before I ended the call. She didn’t even bother to ask where I was, and she never called back. Maybe she thinks I followed my imaginary boyfriend.
I haven’t seen or spoken to her since 2015. I survived the years at school with the fellowship’s help and the little money I made from making people’s hair, a skill I learnt in boarding school.
I found my sister by chance on Facebook in 2023, and reached out. Our first call was so awkward because we had almost nothing to say. I wasn’t surprised to hear that my mum had fed her with stories of how I stole her money and ran away to destroy my life. We chat occasionally.
At least, I know my mum is still alive and married to that man. But she’s dead to me. I’m not sure if we’ll ever unpack everything that went wrong between us or if I’ll ever be willing to do so.
I don’t even know how to ask my sister if he ever tried to abuse her too. I feel like I abandoned her, but I also know there wasn’t much I could do but save myself. I consciously try to push the whole experience to the back of my mind. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to work through it.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Lola: We met at work in 2017. My former company hired him to do some photography work for three months. The first day he came in and I saw him, I knew I had a crush. It was his eyes. They were so pretty, but he never looked directly at anyone.
Dennis: I noticed her right away. I passed by her cubicle, and she was so focused on her computer, typing God knows what. She’s the fastest typer I know.
Did you get to talk on that first day?
Dennis: Not really. Their CEO introduced me to everyone, including her. Then I went to my corner to figure out what they wanted me to do.
Lola: We didn’t speak until a few days later when we directly worked on a project.
And then, you fell in love?
Lola: No. We didn’t date until after he broke off the contract barely a month in and left our company.
What do you mean “left”?
Dennis: That “project” wasn’t part of the specific deliverables in my contract. Because I didn’t accept to take on tasks outside of the contract, the CEO started overcriticising the work I did. Everything was suddenly rubbish, and it was seriously affecting my anxiety.
Lola: When I noticed he was having issues with our usually mild-mannered CEO, I texted him just to check-in.
He told me when he started considering leaving, and we talked about his anxiety. However, at the time, I didn’t understand that he meant depression.
When did you figure it out?
Lola: Shortly before we became official.
Dennis: But first, we were friends for a while. She became part of my support system. She’d always check in, even when she was dating some other guy.
Were you considering dating her instead, Dennis?
Dennis: Yes. Who wouldn’t?
But I felt she was too good for me. I thought she was only reaching out all the time out of pity. She’s really nice like that.
Lola: Men can be idiots when they want to be sha.
How did you eventually get together?
Lola: I had to tell him I liked him, really liked him.
This was mid-2018 after an almost one-year relationship crashed because I wasn’t invested. I liked the guy but not enough to move as fast as he wanted. He wanted us to move in together, to get married at least a year later and all that. I didn’t think I liked him enough for all that. When he noticed I wasn’t invested the way he wanted, he left, and I moved to Dennis.
Dennis: I was shocked when she told me she liked me a lot. It was over the phone, but I believed her because her voice sounded so sincere. I just started crying.
Lola: I listened to him sob over the phone and didn’t even realise when tears started streaming down my eyes.
I think there and then, I should’ve known I was in for a rollercoaster.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
Tell me all about it
Lola: He started texting me a lot, asking what I liked and didn’t like. He was so sweet and poetic in his texts. You could sense that strong aim to please, and I was completely taken by it, trying to answer as openly as possible.
Dennis: The texts were mostly anxiety-driven. I wanted to take her out, and I wanted to do it perfectly. So I had to know precisely the type of food and ambience she liked.
Lola: That first date was nice even though we weren’t exactly dating yet. Afterwards, we didn’t meet much, but we’d text almost 24/7 with phone calls in between.
Then I noticed him withdraw. After some months, the texts became less frequent to the point when I was almost begging him to text me.
Dennis: My mum died after a long illness just before Christmas of 2018, so…
I’m so sorry
Lola: He didn’t tell me that until shortly after New Year 2019. By then, I was frustrated by him. When I heard this, my feelings made a U-turn, and I was heartbroken for him. I knew he was really close to his mum.
Dennis: I felt bad for pushing her away during this time, but I really couldn’t help it. After recovering, I asked her to be my girlfriend, fully expecting her to say no.
Lola: But I said yes.
And for that year, dating meant sharing Ubers to our offices. He lived in Egbeda, I lived in Ikeja, and we both worked on the island, so he’d hail a cab, and then pick me up on the way. We’d mostly make out in the back seat until we entered traffic and I was too shy to continue.
That sounds nice
Lola: That was our life until COVID came and we all had to stay indoors. He lost most of his photography and content gigs and my salary was slashed in half. He called me one morning during lockdown and broke up with me.
Like a phone call?
Dennis: I was in a dark place and didn’t want to have to keep calling or texting through all that. It was really hard for me to do. But I didn’t want her going through emotional stress on top of how the pandemic was most likely already affecting her.
Lola: He didn’t say all this. He just said, “Let’s break up.” I was confused, but he was adamant, and you could even hear the irritation in his voice. No explanation; he just broke up with me and that was it.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode
And you got back after that how?
Lola: In October 2020, he called me crying.
Dennis: I missed her too much and hated myself for making us separate. A part of me thought she’d call or text to change my mind. I think by the day after I broke things off, I’d changed my mind.
She never called.
Lola: Why didn’t you call?
So he called you crying, and then what?
Lola: I was confused. I had to drag my sisters into it, and of course, they advised me not to take him back.
I didn’t listen.
Dennis: I kept calling her to apologise and explain myself. I came clean about my depression and how I was already seeing therapists.
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Lola, how did you feel about this revelation?
Lola: I’d already figured out the depression bit when we used to text a lot before his mum passed. He’d constantly question himself and his whole existence. Sometimes, it felt like self-awareness and an urge to be a good person. Other times, it was scary, like he didn’t like himself at all.
This time around, maybe because I was older, I wondered if I really wanted to be involved in that. But I like him a lot, so I convinced myself I couldn’t just leave him because he was going through things.
Dennis: We didn’t get back together until early December. But then, Christmas was a mess because I was broke AF after COVID, so we didn’t have a decent meetup until around March 2021. In July, we went to Ghana together.
Lola: We were so happy during this period. It was a huge high for him. But by September, he was low again. And I physically experienced his depression for the first time.
What happened?
Lola: Literally, nothing. He could hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone work or talk to me. We were pretty serious at this point, so I’d started staying over at his place a couple of weeks at a time. Omo, I had to move back to my father’s house at a point o.
Dennis: I was ashamed for her to see me like that. So her leaving was better for me in a way.
We were so happy together that year that I was sure I wouldn’t be depressed for a long time, but I guess my mental health didn’t respect my actual emotions.
How did this affect your relationship?
Dennis: She stopped taking my calls for some weeks and when she did, she’d ask me if I was feeling better and that was it. I respected her need for space.
Lola: I was confused. I knew what I saw — the inactivity, the lack of concern or emotion — was the depression. But it also made me a bit insecure. What if it was me? What if he was tired of having me around and couldn’t say it?
Dennis: Around November, I went to her place and we talked about it. I told her what my therapist told me about managing my important relationships, how I wanted to do everything within me to make us work.
Lola, I’m curious about how you processed this
Lola: I had to start therapy myself and that helped me personally. It pushed me to ask myself questions and to put myself and my health first before thinking about my feelings for him. 2022 was great for us. It was a lot healthier because I understood him and I understood myself better.
In 2023, we had to take breaks twice. But 2023 was also shege year, so I’m not so worried about it.
Have you guys thought about what the future might look like?
Dennis: A lot. And there’s a lot of uncertainty. But I know I love her, and I’d be lucky to have her with me forever.
Lola: It’s crazy that we talk about having kids more than we talk about a wedding, but I guess it’s because neither of us is very traditional.
Do you want to have kids?
Lola: Yes, definitely.
Then there’s my mum — who loves him like the son she never had, by the way — who’s always asking when he’ll “do the right thing”. Of course, she doesn’t know about the depression. Until we figure that out, we’re not in a hurry.
Dennis: Sometime in 2023, we started taking joint therapy, and that has helped a whole lot.
Lola: Honestly, I’d recommend it even to couples who feel confident about both their mental health and their relationship.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Lola: Hmm. 7? 7.5? We’ve been so intentional with making things work. But I get afraid sometimes.
Dennis: 7.5. I feel lucky to have her.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
We’d tell you to forget about marriage and focus on yourself in this messy economy, but you people have carried love on your head like gala sellers in traffic.
Did you see the number of couples that got engaged in December?
Just like our dear president did, we suggest you also hit the ground running. Take your partner’s hand and run away from all unnecessary spending into your nearest registry. You’ll need to pick up some important documents and two witnesses on the way, but it’s a lot better than paying through your teeth to entertain your village people, including your mother’s friend who once watched her beat shege out of you.
“Cut your coat according to your clothes. You don’t have to do all the fancy, big things.” – Lauretta
With the way the costs of things are flying through the roof every second, you might end up with a doll’s vest. But the love of your life is all you need to have a great time at your wedding, right? Take a long, hard look at your account balance and plan with what you have there.
“Don’t go for the popular, do something that’s uniquely you.” – Ope
Instead of going for what everyone else is doing, like buying a dress worth millions or renting out the biggest hall, you can have the wedding in your father’s backyard, wear something from your closet. The most important thing, though, is that your wedding feels very much like you.
“Use the people you know. Do something small and intimate.” – Ope
Not only does a small, intimate wedding save money, but it also ensures your special day is free of drama. No one wins if, during the reception, your best man plays videos of you catching ass. Or your ex-girlfriend plants seeds of doubt in your bride’s head. You might think we’re lying, but The Wedding Party’s Dozie knows what we’re talking about.
“Invite the people you’re actually friends with.” – Lauretta
If that includes the akara seller at your junction and your misunderstood boss, so be it. Just make sure the people you’re sharing your day with are worth it and won’t do anything that might cause you grief on your special day.
“If you’re doing your wedding at the end of the year, it’s going to be more expensive.” – Ope
Once Zenith Bank puts up Christmas decorations and people start singing off-key about Jingle Bells, just know the price of everything has tripled, and your wedding will cost a whole lot more. Pick a good time for your wedding. It could be the beginning or middle of the year when there isn’t a holiday fighting with the economy to see who can take you out first.
“Make trade-offs and spend the most on what matters to you and your partner.” – Ope
Image source: chopscentral via X
It’s your special day, so it only makes sense you spend on things that’ll make you and your partner happy, even if that means splurging on decoration or having a small chop platter with only puff puff and mosa.
