Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Michael: I met Chima at a friend’s birthday lunch in 2009. She was a friend of his wife. I’m not sure we’d have gotten to know each other if we didn’t get into a long heated conversation about internal politics between some companies. 

I’d heard about her. She was about to be CEO of an arm of the company she worked at. And I respected her more that day when I heard her speak. I liked how cleverly she argued.

Chima: It was a pleasant evening. I noticed him because we sat at the same side of my friend’s living room. Even though he was a fairly known director in his company, he didn’t force his opinions like most of the other people did during the argument. He’d say what he knew and then stop to listen to other people. I thought he was really respectful. 

So when he called me the next day hoping I wasn’t angry he got my number from his friend, I wasn’t at all. I was glad our interests aligned. It rarely happens that someone makes a good impression on you and you make an impression on the same person.

True. Did he call just to say hi?

Michael: I called to ask her to lunch. But it took a while to align our schedules to make it happen. I later learnt that she thought it would be a waste of time, so she didn’t prioritise. However, I kept pushing for it.

Chima: My lack of interest in a friendship with him seemed to make him keep pushing for a meeting, so by the third week, I felt bad and made time for him. We went out during my ill-used lunch break on a Thursday afternoon.

How did it go?

Chima: It was a definitive two hours for us. He told me I was who he’d been waiting for all his life. At first, I said yinmu. I mean, did he really call me there to drop university lines? 

But you see, he’d also never been married before. 47 and unmarried? I was curious.

Michael: I explained to that her I ruined a long-term relationship because I was hyper-focused on work and achieving my goals. 

I was with my ex for close to ten years. In 2003, she broke things off — she’d fallen out of love with me because I was emotionally unavailable. Meanwhile, I was ready to marry her, but she made me realise we’d lost our connection at some point. 

After that, I focused more on work and my hobbies. It’s hard to get back into the dating pool in your 40s for either gender. Don’t mind what men say.

Chima: I’d also never been married, because of how important building a high-quality career was for me. I could relate to his story more than he probably thought.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

Had you been in any long-term relationships?

Chima: No. 

I had, maybe, four boyfriends or suitors in total, and none of these relationships lasted longer than a year. I sense bullshit really quickly, and I don’t like to deceive myself. There were things I wanted in a life partner, and I was ready to stay single forever if I didn’t get someone close.

My parents, both university professors, raised me to be fiercely independent. I’ve never been invested in marriage as a compulsory milestone in life. I’m much too pragmatic for that. A high quality of life was my main priority, then wide recognition in a field of work, then companionship, in that order.

Michael: We aligned on that. While I’d most likely have been intimidated by her ideals when I was a young man, in my old age of 47, it was exactly what got me excited about her. I was impressed, and I wanted her to be mine to show off.

So what happened after lunch?

Michael: I asked to take her to lunch the same time and day the following week. She agreed.

Chima: We’ve been doing that every week whenever we’re in the same city since then. We go out to eat lunch together every Thursday.

Michael: During our second lunch, we talked about our individual future plans, and I told her I was determined to marry her. She responded that I shouldn’t try to mess with her plans and independence. And I told her, “Not on my life”.

Did you get married soon after?

Michael: No. We had those lunches for almost a year, enjoying each other’s company and discovering what we liked to eat. 

Then I attended her church a couple of times to meet with her spiritual parents and worship together. Our first visit to her church made things feel more real; like we were really seeing each other. It was her way of saying she was beginning to take my interest seriously.

Chima: The turning point in our relationship was in the summer of 2010, when we vacationed together in Cancun. I knew my spirit was accepting that he would be my husband. I felt at one with him. He made the relationship, communication, everything, so easy.

In what ways?

Chima: The way we decided to vacation together, chose a spot, and navigated the planning and logistics. I’d never had a smoother travel experience with anyone. Not even my best girlfriends or parents. 

We just agreed on things. Even when we wanted different hotels or activities, it was easy to find a middle ground that didn’t make me feel bad that I was either shortchanging him or myself.

Michael: I found that she never became deliberately stubborn or domineering just to prove her independence. I loved how thoughtful and politely logical she was at all times.

When I noticed her demeanour softened towards me during our Cancun stay, I made arrangements for a ring shortly after we returned to Lagos. I knew the time was right.

How excited were the people around you when you announced your plan to marry?

Michael: Very excited, as you can imagine.

Chima: My parents were surprised. They thought I’d settled for a life of spinsterhood. To be fair, I thought so too. I wasn’t even thinking about marriage when Michael came into the picture.

Michael: I’ll have to say finding someone I align with was a relief. A lot of people had previously tried to matchmake me. My mum would bring young women from the village, and I started to have this paranoia that I’d end up settling with someone I was incompatible with.

Chima, I imagine you also felt the societal pressure to marry

Chima: I didn’t, really. I always shut down the marriage talk because it wasn’t something I’d ever been excited about. I didn’t see the inherent value in it beyond eternal companionship. And if that was the goal, it was more important for me to end up with someone on the same page as me.

Michael: Spoken like a true daughter of professors.

Chima: I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone to marry in my 20s when I was still struggling with my early career and passing all the certification exams. I would’ve been derailed because relationships are high-maintenance.

Then imagine dealing with a young marriage and young children while navigating the fragile mid-level stage of a financial career. I know a lot of people do it successfully, but I also watched people struggle to balance it. It was much easier and faster for me without all that responsibility. 

Michael: There’s something to be said about dating as an advanced adult. Romance was much easier between us than it ever was in my 30s, and I wasn’t ever broke. Just a whole lot more settled and secure in my 40s.

Would you say more people should start dating in their 40s?

Chima: It depends on your priorities. If starting a family is the most important thing to you, then of course, there’s biologically an ideal period for pregnancy.

Michael: All we’re saying is it was much easier to court and establish a strong foundation of romance, friendship and partnership when we weren’t also trying to establish a decent career or individual life path. We could both think clearly as we went in.

Speaking of family and pregnancy…

Chima: I had a natural birth in 2012, a year after we got married. But after our first child, we opted for surrogacy for the other two. We hadn’t even spoken about children when I got pregnant. We almost took him out. But I’m glad I got to experience that pregnancy and labour.

Michael: I was terrified when she gave me the positive pregnancy results from the doctors, and for a week, we’d resolved it was wise to abort. We wanted kids, but we were also cock sure it was unsafe for her at 44. But her O&G of about a decade said he’d never seen a more healthy pregnancy. He convinced us, so we decided to take a chance.

Chima: Right after that, I got implants.

[ad]

Michael: Surrogacy was also scary. I’d heard a lot about it. But I still had so many questions. 

Would the baby have some of the surrogate mother’s DNA? What if she clings to the baby psychologically and never wants to let go? What if the baby doesn’t ever bond with its biological mother? 

But we did it twice, and everything went fine in the end.

What was your first major fight about?

Chima: We fought a lot when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2018. That’s how I found out that people develop new personalities when they’re sick, and mine was mean. 

I was so cruel to Michael on my sick bed that when I think back to that time, I feel I ran temporarily mad.

Michael: It’s like when they say someone is a mean drunk.

Chima: I’d throw stuff at him when he tried to help me stand or anything at all. I even bit him sometimes.

Michael: We fought about things like whether she could work and take on projects while undergoing chemo. Things got worse when she had to do a mastectomy.

We fought about going to church and believing in God for her healing. I was very determined to have her fly to the UK for the surgery instead. 

She thought I was ruining the faith that would’ve brought her miracle.

Chima: This went on until the cancer left in January 2022.

Thank God. How hard was it to get back to normal after a serious illness and numerous fights?

Michael: Whatever resentment that festered was neutralised by her new clean bill of health. The genuine joy and relief was strong. 

My wife was supposed to be dying, but she wasn’t anymore. I was just grateful we had a clean slate.

Chima: I also went out of my way to invalidate all my mean words and actions once I got my strength back. I made it clear I meant none of that, and I’ve been more intentional about kind words and gestures.

Michael: She spoils me and won’t let me spoil her. So instead of feeling upset about the past, all I feel is gratitude for life.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Michael: We just got a second chance at life together, and it’s been more of a 10 than ever.

Chima: 10. He’s a reminder of God’s promise to me that his time is the best.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

YOU’LL LOVE THIS: Love Life: I Fell in Love With My Childhood Friend

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tade: We’ve been family friends since before I can remember. We lived in the same neighbourhood, had our clique of friends and our families attended the same church.

Sonia: The nostalgia! We played with my dolls on weekends. Both the boys and girls. We’d all sit on the floor in my living room, playing pretend in the afternoons.

Were you guys close then?

Sonia: No. We didn’t have a bond until she transferred to my school in JSS 3. I was the only person she knew, so she gravitated towards me and my group of friends. We got closer because we had inside jokes most of my friends didn’t understand.

Tade: We had so much fun in secondary school. We became so close that our classmates, mostly boys, used to tease us and say we were dating. Look at us now.

Let’s get into how that happened

Sonia: I wasn’t thinking about relationships in secondary school. I didn’t even have crushes. But I knew I had a special bond with Tade. I had a best friend, but even she knew Tade and I were closer than we were. 

Tade: We were by ourselves a lot, talking about TV shows, clothes and our plans for the future. When she entered the boarding house in SS 1, we drifted just a little because we spent less time together. But we still had stuff we could only talk about with each other.

During the holidays, we’d hang out in church, participating in dramas and dance performances. A lot of our childhood friends had left by then, but they were replaced over time with other kids.

When did you realise you liked each other beyond friendship?

Tade: After high school graduation, she went to the US for uni. Meanwhile, my parents had started having issues in their marriage, and my brother and I were collateral damage. Things got so heated that they couldn’t agree on what university I should attend. 

The result? I ended up spending three years at home before I moved to Cyprus to study mathematical engineering. 

Sonia: I was sure she’d make a new life and forget about me. To begin with, the time difference was even crazier to keep up with than when she was in Nigeria.

Tade: But somehow, we managed to stay in touch through that and the craziness of studying for exams and term papers. The turning point for us was when we both swindled our parents into paying for me to attend her graduation in 2016. 

Don’t ask how we managed it, please. 

I have to

Tade: We lied. Do you want people to call the police?

Sonia: She told her parents two different stories about how she had to pay for a special course, and they both sent her money. I told mine that there was a graduation fee. 

Tade: I actually think back now and feel bad we made our parents cough out money so suddenly. I don’t think I can do something like that again. But I don’t regret it.

You lied, and then, you saw each other again…

Sonia: For the first time in almost five years. I remember us dancing, crying and jumping in the middle of the arrival hall at the airport. People must’ve thought we were crazy.

Tade: It was during this visit we had our first kiss.

Details, please

Tade: We kissed on the second night. 

It was the night before the ceremony. We lay in bed after a long evening out with her school friends. We couldn’t sleep, but we were also too wired to talk. It felt like the most natural thing to lean into each other and kiss.

Sonia: She stayed for a couple of days in my little apartment, and we had to share my small bed. I wanted to do so much more, but we chose restraint.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

Why? Was it awkward?

Sonia: A little. It was a little kiss, no tongues or anything. It’s crazy that I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were both so nervous with each other. We didn’t want to mess things up. I don’t know how we kept from going all out actually. Maybe because the feelings were new, and we were overthinking trying to understand them. 

Tade: We must’ve known without even having to discuss it that our love was becoming different. There was this new energy between us. I wanted to hug her all the time and for much longer than normal, but I just didn’t.

Sonia: I kept thinking about the fact that she’d leave soon, and it made me almost depressed. I wanted her energy around me for the foreseeable future. So the visit was rather bittersweet.

Tade: We even briefly talked about her coming back to Cyprus with me. But I think we both decided that wouldn’t be wise. In the end, I had to go back sad and alone.

Did you make any decisions about your relationship before you left?

Tade: Not really. A lot was left unsaid. We just focused on celebrating her milestone. I still had about two years of school left. We were so young. We had nothing figured out.

Sonia: I threw myself into job hunting and a master’s programme. And we went back to finding time to talk to each other over FaceTime.

Tade: For the next two years, things were dry and uneventful… except when she helped me write my thesis. 

Pardon

Tade: I’m exaggerating, obviously. We didn’t even study the same course, but she’s great with academic writing so she offered to help. She also had better access to research papers and better methodologies based on the American curriculum. It made everything faster. 

Sonia: She got into a couple of relationships though. 

Tade: More like flings.

With girls?

Tade: Yes. I’d pretty much figured out that I liked women. 

Sonia: I was too busy having anxiety over my career and future to have “flings”. People tried to get with me, mostly guys, but they never worked out because I was always too impatient and most black guys in the States are arrogant.

Tade: After I finally graduated in 2018, I moved to Georgia on a work visa. Three months later, she got a new job in DC, and we moved there together. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Were you official at this point?

Sonia: Yes. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened.

Tade: I think it became clear when she invited me to move to the US and move in with her, and I actually did it. I was scared AF because I had zero plans. My parents wanted me back in Nigeria, but I didn’t want that. I had to get uncles and cousins to chip in on the travel and visa payments. 

Sonia: I offered to give her some money too, but she refused.

Tade: It was bad enough I’d be living in her house with no job for some time. 

When I got here, the first thing we did was make out for hours. It was pretty clear we were official.

[ad]

So how’s the last five years been together in DC?

Sonia: Everything from the shootings to the pandemic, inflation and job insecurity has tested us. But it’s been great having each other to fight the battles with.

Our relationship has been a dream. There’s no anger or depression that can’t be solved with kisses and cuddles, just lying under our thick bed covers in each other’s arms, crying, ranting, laughing or whatever.

Tade: Something we picked up recently has been spending Saturday evenings in bed, watching old black and white movies until we fall asleep.

Do your families back home know about you two?

Tade: No.

Sonia: Nope.

Tade: It’ll probably stay that way for a while.

Sonia: None of our siblings or relatives know either. We don’t entertain people like that.

Tade: We don’t hide it from the public, but our life has been pretty insulated. We mostly hang out with work friends and a few people from Sonia’s universities or our secondary school. Most of them know about us.

Sonia: My high school bestie teases us all the time like, “I knew. I just knew it!” I’m like, girl, chill.

Tade: We still get side looks from the Naij folks, though. It can be funny at times. Other times, it’s really annoying.

Tell me about that

Sonia: It’s mostly the newly born-again guys. Everyone is finding Christ afresh and getting so religious these days. I wonder if it’s something in the air. But I think they mean well. They try to preach in the most polite ways.

Tade: But it’s still disrespectful.

Sonia: One time, we were hosting in our apartment because I just got a long-awaited promotion, and we invited up to 15 of our friends. Tade and I were in the open kitchen at some point. She wanted to get some more drinks from the fridge. I followed her and we hugged and kissed a little. 

I turned and saw this babe giving us a strong stank look. Tade didn’t even notice. But then, the next day, we were talking to the girl on the phone, and she said, “You know you guys can invite me to things, but you don’t have to make out in my face when you know I love the Lord.”

Tade: I was so angry, I just told her she doesn’t have to come to our house anymore then.

I’m screaming. Have you guys had a major fight?

Tade: For sure. We had this major major one recently that made me scared I’d ruined our relationship for the first time. It was over money.

One of the major aspects of our lives is budgeting. You have to budget well to survive in this country. We budget for all the little things, but we also do it for vacations, major purchases and all.

Sonia: This was in 2022. 

We’d been planning to move to a two-bed for some time. When we’d had most of the money together to move, renovate and so on. Tade took most of it to replace her computer and buy some other gadget. I get it was an emergency, but I went crazy because she didn’t even talk to me first.

Tade: My stuff got wrecked, and I was in the middle of this important project. I’d even lost some of my work in the process. I thought she’d understand.

Sonia: The shock was mind-blowing because I was already dreaming of our new space. We had our biggest fight ever, and I won’t forget it any time soon. I finally understand why people say proper communication is so important. If she’d only spoken to me before making that decision with our money, maybe I’d have understood or come up with an alternative.

How did you get past that?

Sonia: By talking. She slept on the couch for some days though.

Tade: She made me cry and beg. She only forgave me after I went on my period, and she saw me suffer through my cramps.

Sonia: I couldn’t stay angry with her while she was in pain. But then, mine started like two days later. It was such a funny, painful mess.

What does the future look like?

Tade: The usual. Marriage. Kids. Not sure how involved our families will be in all that, but we’ve made a pseudo-family here.

Sonia: There’s my career mentor. She and her husband are like parents to us now. We vacation with them a lot. And we have lots of friends turned siblings who’ve been willing to sacrifice large amounts of money, time and favours to help us in so many ways.

Tade: But it’s not one-sided. We’re there for them in many ways too.

Are you saying your biological family hasn’t been?

Sonia: Mine have tried their best, and I’ll always love them for it. I send stuff back home all the time. 

But they aren’t here. They don’t do much for me in terms of companionship. I have sisters in Atlanta and my brother is in Dallas, but we haven’t seen each other in years. I respect it. They’re building their own families too. 

Tade: We’re completely estranged. My brother, father, mother and I — we all live separate lives. Besides the occasional WhatsApp call with my brother, I don’t feel much like we’re connected in any way. 

My father has a new wife with kids. My mum also remarried.

Sonia: But it’s fine. Everyone gets to find their tribe. We don’t have to be restricted by blood ties. And in the end, what matters most is finding your soulmate and making the most of it.

True. And how would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Tade: 10. 100 even.

Sonia: 10. I actually can’t imagine doing this life without you.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: We Left the Country for His Stalking Ex