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  • People say marriage changes everything from how you spend money to how often you have sex. But is it really true?  We asked six married Nigerian men to share how their sex lives changed after saying “I do,” and their answers range from “we can’t keep our hands off each other” to “once a month, if I’m lucky.”

    “Before marriage, sex only happened when we saw each other” — Hassan*, 40

    When Hassan and his wife were dating, they lived in different states, and sex had to wait for the moments when they were together.

    “While we were dating, it was mostly long distance, so it wasn’t easy to gauge the frequency. Sometimes, we could go two or three months without seeing each other, and when we finally did, it was usually for a weekend or, if we were lucky, a week.

    In that time, we’d probably have sex once or twice because everything just felt rushed. We were always trying to cram in all the missed time, talk, gist, go out, and still rest. Sex was just one of the many things that had to fit in between.

    The first year of marriage was a completely different story. We were both working remotely at the time, so it was constant. Morning, afternoon, night and practically anytime we felt like it. I can’t even count how many times. It was like making up for all the time we’d spent apart.

    But after she gave birth, things changed. I expected it, to be honest. She was healing, breastfeeding, and tired almost all the time. These days, we’re lucky if it happens twice a week, and there are weeks when nothing happens at all.

    It’s not as frequent as it used to be, but I don’t complain. I know what it means to be exhausted and just want sleep. I still miss the old flame sometimes, but I also understand that this is the season we’re in. It’ll balance out again eventually.”

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    “We went from having sex everywhere to barely once a month” — Demola*, 33

    Demola remembers his wild university days with his now-wife. They were young, curious, and insatiable. However, marriage came with a different kind of vibe that’s still taking some getting used to.

    “My wife and I went to the same university, and honestly, the sex back then was crazy. We were doing it everywhere — her hostel, my apartment, sometimes even in the most random places. We were also very open to experimenting. There was even a time we invited a third person over. It happened once, and we both instantly knew it wasn’t our thing. But that’s how open we were.

    When we got married in 2021, the energy was still there at first. Then she got pregnant, and everything changed. Her body started reacting badly; she was throwing up a lot, constantly tired and sick. We barely touched each other throughout the pregnancy.

    After she gave birth, it took another eight months before she was even interested again. I understood, but those months were hard. I had to literally train my mind to deprioritise sex, to stop expecting it, because I didn’t want to pressure her or make her feel bad.

    Now, the funny thing is, that decision has kind of rewired me. These days, I don’t even think about it much. If she’s not in the mood and I get turned down, I can easily go another month without trying again. Sometimes, I miss how spontaneous it used to be. However, I suppose this is what long-term marriage does: it changes the way you express intimacy.

    It’s not bad, just different. And we’re both still figuring out how to find our balance again.”

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    “I used to have a very active sex life, but marriage turned it into work” — Denzel*, 35

    Before Denzel got married, he and his wife were very active. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and intimacy came naturally. But since they said “I do”, things have been entirely different.

    “Before marriage, my wife and I were like rabbits. It wasn’t just about the act; there was excitement, spontaneity, and lots of youthful energy. We could go at it anywhere — in the car, in the bathroom, at any time. I thought that part of our relationship would stay the same after marriage, but everything changed.

    After we got married, it felt like she started seeing sex as a chore. I have to practically beg or start buttering her up with sweet words before she even considers it. And it’s not that she doesn’t love me — I know she does — but it’s like the spark just went off.

    It got so frustrating at some point that I started keeping count of how many times she turned me down. There was one month I counted 15 rejections. Fifteen. And each time, I felt a little less motivated to try again.

    These days, I’ve stopped stressing. If it happens, it happens. If I try, and I sense she’s about to say no, I just turn myself off immediately. Sometimes, if I’m really pressed, I pleasure myself. It’s not ideal, but I’ve made peace with it. I just hope it gets better someday because this wasn’t what I imagined marriage would be like.”

    “My wife still wanted sex during pregnancy, but I was too scared to hurt the baby” — Ayo*, 30

    For Ayo, things didn’t slow down immediately after he tied the knot, but pregnancy changed everything because he got scared of trying.

    “Before we got married, we had a healthy sex life. It was fun, adventurous, and frequent. Even after the wedding, it stayed that way for a while.

    Then she got pregnant, and surprisingly, she still wanted it often. But I couldn’t handle it. I was too scared that I’d hurt the baby. I’m a big guy, and that thought just made me anxious. Every time we tried, I couldn’t focus because I kept worrying about whether I was pressing too hard or causing harm. So I just started avoiding it.

    After she gave birth, things didn’t go back to normal either. She had a tear, and I didn’t want to rush her into sex or make her feel pressured while she was still healing. Then taking care of the baby came with its own stress. We had so many sleepless nights, constant exhaustion, all of that.

    Now, we barely have sex as much as we used to. Sometimes, we go weeks without it, and when it does happen, it feels more like ticking a box than how it used to be. I’m not blaming her, but I won’t lie, I worry. We’re still young, and we should be in that phase where we’re having some of the best sex of our lives. I just hope we find our rhythm again soon.”

    “We’ve had the same rhythm for over 10 years, and it still works” — Femi*, 34

    Femi’s story is one of consistency. He and his wife have been together for over a decade — from their university days to marriage — and somehow, their sex life hasn’t changed much.

    “My wife and I dated for 10 years before we got married, so we already knew each other’s patterns. We figured out early on what works for us and what doesn’t, and honestly, that’s made things easier now that we’re married.

    The frequency of sex has always been pretty much steady and predictable. We have a rule that we never go a week without having sex, except when she’s on her period. That rule has helped us maintain balance because once the gap gets too long, it’s hard to catch up again.

    I’ll be honest, though, I’m usually the one enforcing that rule. Left to my wife, she could easily go months without sex, and she’ll be fine. She’s not big on it, and that used to frustrate me at the beginning, but I’ve learned to understand her. I just make sure we don’t break our ‘once-a-week’ rule. It keeps the spark alive, and it’s one of the things that’s made our marriage stable.”

    “It’s been eight years, and I still hate being the one who always initiates” — Kunle*, 36

    Kunle doesn’t think his sex life is bad, but he’s tired of always being the one to ask. It’s been eight years together, and even now, he still gets turned down more often than he’d like.

    “If I’m being honest, the frequency of sex in my marriage is average. We’re not one of those couples that go months without it, but it’s also not as regular as I’d want. My biggest issue isn’t even how often we have sex; it’s the fact that I’m always the one initiating.

    I can’t count how many times my wife has turned me down, and it hurts every single time. Sometimes people don’t realise how much that kind of rejection affects a man. It makes you question yourself, even when you know it’s not about you.

    I’ve had times when I told her straight up that I don’t feel wanted in this marriage. She barely touches me intimately, never initiates, and if I don’t make a move, nothing happens. It’s been eight years together, and each rejection still feels like a fresh wound.

    People like to say men cheat because they’re greedy or undisciplined, but the truth is that sex is a very important part of marriage. If you’re making plans about every other thing — finances, kids, responsibilities — you should also plan for sex. It affects mood, connection, and even communication.

    I’ve never cheated, and I don’t intend to, but I’d hate for sexual frustration to be what eventually pushes me in that direction.”

     *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

    Help Shape Nigeria’s Biggest Love Report! We’re asking Nigerians about relationships, marriage, sex, money, and everything in between. Your anonymous answers will become a landmark report on modern Nigerian love. Click here to take the survey. It’s 100% anonymous.

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    When Nedu* (32) helped Tope* (31) pack her bags to start a new life abroad, he believed their love could survive anything, even the distance. 

    In this Sunken Ships, he shares how unspoken expectations, a tragic loss and long distance spelt the end of a relationship he thought would last forever.

    How did you know your relationship with Tope was on the rocks?

    When she started planning to relocate abroad, I knew that our time together was running out. We had an elephant in the room that I didn’t notice until it was too late to save us.

    Whoa. Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me how you and Tope met.

    A mutual friend introduced us in Ibadan in 2017. I was in the city for my Master’s, and I lived with my friend for a while before I got a space of my own. She was in the city for her NYSC and she was his neighbour. She would check in on how I was adjusting when I first moved, and before we knew it, we were talking every day. Our connection grew so strong, so quickly, that I knew she was someone I wanted in my life for a long time.

    That’s so cute. So how did you start dating?

    I knew within three weeks of regular conversations that I wanted to be more than friends. When I told her, she brushed it off at first. I knew that she reciprocated my feelings, but she was hesitant about becoming my girlfriend because she was afraid of the short-term nature of our stay in Ibadan. It took a year, but in 2018, I asked her again and she agreed.

    How were the early days of your relationship like?

    It was wonderful. As soon as we started dating, she was locked in on our commitment. We were very close and she was my best friend. I loved that we had similar ideals. After I finished my Master’s and had to move back to Rivers in 2019, we became a long-distance couple, but even that didnt affect our love. I made sure to visit her as often as I could.

    Did the lockdown have a negative effect on your relationship?

    Not at all. Our connection stayed strong even through the long distance and lockdown. Funny enough, I had lost my job and was unemployed for most of 2020, but she didn’t mind. We were determined to make it work, and it did for a time.

    You seemed to be doing great together. Where did the cracks in your relationship appear?

    Tope lost her mum in 2019, and so I had to become an emotional pillar she could depend on. I tried my best to carry us both, but I was still trying to stabilise my life after I lost my job. 

    I would say my biggest mistake was continuing to act like a boyfriend when I should have started transitioning into the role of ‘husband’.

    How do you mean?

    By that point, we had been dating for three years. I think she assumed that was enough time for me to know she was ready for the next step. But I missed the signs. I loved her and would have gladly married her, but I thought I had more time to get my life in order before doing so.

    Did she ever try to talk to you about this desire to marry?

    Yes, she did, but she didn’t know how to have difficult conversations. So we would start the discussion and drop it when it got too serious because it made her uncomfortable. I should have read the situation better and pushed harder for her to speak her mind. She started mentally checking out of the relationship when she felt that her needs wouldn’t be met. Her Japa plans did not help matters at all.

    Tell me about that. How did her japa affect you both?

    We definitely weren’t in a good place in 2021 when her japa plans fell into place. She felt like we had ‘japa incompatibility’ and I wasn’t as intentional about planning to leave the country. The reality was that I wasn’t suited for Japa at the time. I had decided not to use my Master’s degree, and almost a year of joblessness post-COVID meant that I didn’t have the funds or the required experience to make that move. Regardless, I thought we were getting better.

    What made you feel that way?

    I helped her every step of the way as she planned her relocation. I helped her prep for her visa interview, helped out with 20% of the funds for her trip, helped her pack, and even saw her off to the airport. We had experience doing long distance, so I wasn’t afraid of distance breaking us up, but I was worried it would make our issues harder to resolve.

    Fair enough. How did the final split happen?

    It happened five months after she moved. I knew relocation would put a strain on our relationship, but I didn’t think we would break up. I was sure we were just going through a rough patch and that we would come out of the other side together. 

    One weekend, she just stopped responding to my messages. I got worried that something had happened to her, and I reached out to a few friends to help check in on her. It turned out that because she didn’t want to have a difficult conversation about us splitting up, she preferred to try ghosting me without saying anything.

    How did that make you feel?

    I felt bad and we talked about her decision to leave the relationship. Honestly, I thought she was just going through an adjustment phase and we would get back together. I expected that she would call me one day, like she used to, and we would continue where we left off. After four months of waiting for her, I realised she had really put our relationship behind her. I was gutted. 

    Did you try to reach out to her when you realised?

    Yes, I did. I told her this couldn’t possibly be the end of our love story, but she didn’t budge. I had to learn to live with her decision. Even now, I still wish we were together. Our love had so much potential, I wish we had gotten the chance to see it through.

    If you had the chance, would you reconcile with Tope?

    Definitely! Since we split up, we have spoken to each other a handful of times. We’ve both dated other people but have struggled to replicate the same kind of connection we had. Last time we talked, she said she was going to block me because not doing so was the reason she hadn’t gotten over me. I don’t know why she’s fighting her feelings. I think we’re meant to be. Maybe when I japa too, we’ll try again.

    Do you still believe in love? 

    Yes, I do. I’m a total lover boy. I have been struggling to find a connection as strong as the one I had with Tope, but I still hope to find a love like that again.

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    We’re surveying Nigerians about their real experiences with relationships—the good, the bad, the complicated. Whether you’re single, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, your story matters.

    This anonymous survey will help us create Nigeria’s most comprehensive report on modern love. Click here to participate.

    Hey, if you’d like to share your own #SunkenShips story with Zikoko, fill out this form!

  • There’s no feeling quite like catching the ick — that sudden, stomach-turning moment when someone you once liked instantly becomes unattractive.  In this article, we spoke to six Nigerian women who shared the cringeworthy moments that irritated them about their partners and how much it affected their relationships. 

    “He made strange tweets” — Hannatu*, 30

    Hannatu thought she knew her fiancé inside out, until his burner account proved her wrong.

    “Earlier this year, my fiancé gave me his phone to show me a tweet. That’s when I noticed it was logged into a different account. When I pointed it out, he snatched it back and quickly switched accounts. His reaction immediately felt suspicious, especially since we’d always been open with each other.

    Later, curiosity got the best of me. I already knew his password, so I checked and found out it was a burner account. I thought the worst thing he’d do on there was cheat, but what I found was worse. He had bookmarks of women with big bums. He’d also left comments under women’s posts begging to sleep with them, and other users had replied, insulting him. The desperation and filthiness shocked me.

    His tweets were all about being horny like some wild animal, and I couldn’t believe this was the same man I planned to marry. When I confronted him, he got defensive, and that was it for me. Since then, I’ve slowly checked  out of the relationship.”

    “He acted hyper masculine” — Esther*, 25

    Esther’s boyfriend tried too hard to prove he was “the man,” but that obsession quickly became the very thing that ended them.

    “I noticed early on that my boyfriend always tried to act hyper-masculine. He’d say things like, ‘Any man who wears pink is gay,’ or call people gay for the smallest reasons. It irritated me so much. I’d tell him to stop making people uncomfortable, but he never listened. He’d even said these things in public, and I’d just sit there, embarrassed.

    After a while, I realised he also deepened his voice whenever he spoke to people. His natural voice wasn’t that deep, but he’d force it in an exaggerated way. It was weird, but I ignored it.

    The final straw came when an acquaintance mentioned that he’d once tried to date her. She said she found some of his behaviour strange and played me voice notes he’d sent to her. Hearing him force that deep voice in early morning recordings made my skin crawl. I could tell she’d been put off, too, even though she was polite about it. Seeing him through someone else’s lens just flipped a switch for me. I couldn’t unsee how performative he was. That was the moment I checked out completely.”

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    “He took my leftovers after a date” — Chidimma*, 28

    Chidimma* was ready to overlook a few rough edges, till one dinner date left her with enough embarrassment to cancel any chance of a second.

    “We’d been talking for a while before deciding to meet in person. I already knew he wasn’t from a wealthy background. It showed in his accent and the way he dressed, but I didn’t think it mattered.

    We went to a fancy restaurant, and everything seemed fine until our food came. His table manners threw me off. He held his spoon awkwardly, chewed loudly, talked with food in his mouth, and ate so fast he almost choked. At one point, grains of rice stuck around his lips, and I just sat there, unsure what to say. It was embarrassing to watch.

    But the real shock came after. I couldn’t finish my food because I was so uncomfortable. He asked the waiter to pack it, saying he wanted to give it to his dog. Then he asked if he could also pack the leftovers from the couple who had just left. I’ve never gotten the ick so fast in my life.”

    “He fought over a ₦100 change” — Fatima*, 26

    Fatima* didn’t mind that her boyfriend was frugal, until one bus ride turned into a public shouting match.

    “We’d been dating for a few months, and honestly, nothing seemed strange about him. I knew he was tight-fisted, but it didn’t bother me. One day, we took a bus to our hangout spot, and the conductor told everyone to enter with exact change. When it was time to pay, he started shouting and arguing over ₦100. I couldn’t believe it. He kept muttering about conductors cheating people. 

    Everyone in the bus stared at us. The driver even threatened to drop him off midway, which escalated into another heated argument that nearly turned physical.  

    I wanted the ground to swallow me. It was embarrassing sitting beside him as he carried on with his tantrums. That incident completely changed how I saw him. I didn’t break up immediately, but the irritation kept growing until the relationship faded on its own.”

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    “He refuses to bathe on weekends” — Ngozi* 34

    Marriage was supposed to bring Ngozi closer to her husband. Instead, it exposed habits she never imagined she’d have to live with.

    “My husband is a good man, but he has habits I find hard to overlook. His hygiene is terrible. He only showers when he’s going to work. On weekends, he refuses to bathe or brush his teeth. He lounges around the house in the same clothes and never helps with chores. When I complain, he guilt-trips me,  saying I don’t understand how tiring his physical job is because I work remotely.

    We had a major argument when I refused to sleep with him one night because he smelled bad. Instead of taking it in stride, he ran to tell his mother. She called to say I was being unkind to him. I felt disgusted — not just by him but by how she defended his actions.

    Before marriage, I never noticed these habits because we didn’t spend that much time together. Now, they’ve completely killed my attraction to him. There’s no point bringing it up again, so I just keep it to myself. Lately, I’ve been thinking about finding a job that’ll keep me away because I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t bother me.”

    “He refuses to do aftercare” — Grace*,   23

    Grace* thought the worst part of sex was bad technique. That was before she met her boyfriend. 

    “My boyfriend completely ignores aftercare. No matter the situation, once we’re done having sex, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. It doesn’t matter if there’s a mess or if I’m uncomfortable; he leaves me to handle everything. He doesn’t talk to me, touch me, or even acknowledge me in those moments.

    In my last relationship, aftercare was a natural part of intimacy. It was affectionate and made me feel connected to my partner. With him, it’s the total opposite. His lack of consideration is honestly disgusting, and it’s made me start avoiding sex altogether. Even when I’m in the mood, I remember how cold and distant he becomes after, and the thought alone kills the desire.”

    Read Next: 6 Nigerians on How They Split Bills with Their Partners

    Help Shape Nigeria’s Biggest Love Report! We’re asking Nigerians about relationships, marriage, sex, money, and everything in between. Your anonymous answers will become a landmark report on modern Nigerian love. Click here to take the survey. It’s 100% anonymous.

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  • Sometimes, life puts you in messy situations where you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing or not. That’s what Na Me F— Up? is about — real Nigerians sharing the choices they’ve made, while you decide if they fucked up or not.

    Moje* (29) thought her relationship with Gbolahan* (30) was casual, so when she met Dimeji*, she didn’t think twice about giving him her number. When Gbolahan found out and reacted like a betrayed boyfriend, she was left wondering if she’d crossed a line she didn’t know existed.

    This is Moje’s dilemma as told to Betty

    I met Gbolahan at a mutual friend’s birthday party in September 2024. He was my type: tall, dark, and stylish. I immediately felt drawn to him when he came up to talk to me, and we spent the rest of the party together.

    After that, we texted every day on WhatsApp and hung out on weekends. Honestly, I would’ve loved to be Gbolahan’s girlfriend — I liked him a lot — but he made it clear from the start that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He said he’d just come out of a two-year relationship and needed time to heal. I understood, and since we had great chemistry in and out of bed, I didn’t mind keeping things casual.

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    By May of this year, however, things began to shift. Gbolahan had gotten busier at work, so our weekend hangouts became less frequent. Our conversations also slowed down. We still texted daily, but it was mostly quick morning or night check-ins, rather than long chats throughout the day. I assumed things were naturally fizzling out, so when I met Dimeji* at a bar one Friday night, I didn’t mind giving him my number, and we started seeing each other casually.

    Dimeji was fun. He knew everyone, got invited to the hottest Lagos parties, and always had a new spot to try. 

    It was at one of these parties that I ran into Gbolahan’s friend and said hello. The next morning, he sent a text, “Who were you with last night?”. I didn’t have anything to hide, so I told him I had gone out with Dimeji. He didn’t like that at all. 

    He asked me how I would feel if I found out my boyfriend followed other women to the club. I was confused. I would be upset if my boyfriend did that, but Gbolahan wasn’t my boyfriend. I told him this, and he went silent.

     He showed up at my apartment unannounced later in the evening to confront me. He accused me of cheating and toying with his emotions. I reminded him that he was the one who said he didn’t want anything serious, but that only made him more upset. He told me he’d cut off everyone else because he’d started to take me seriously. He left not long after, still seething with anger.

    I broke things off with Dimeji that same night, but things have been strained between Gbolahan and me. He still feels betrayed, but I genuinely didn’t know we were exclusive. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but now I keep wondering about what happened. Should I have clarified my relationship with Gbohalan before getting with Dimeji? Was this my f— up?

    We’re creating something Nigeria has never had: a comprehensive, data-backed report on how young Nigerians really experience love, dating, marriage, and relationships.

    But we need your voices to make it happen. Whether you’re: single and navigating the dating scene, in a relationship trying to figure it out, married and living the reality, divorced and healing, engaged and planning your future, your experience matters. This survey is 100% anonymous. 

    Participate here to help shape the national conversation about love in Nigeria.

    ALSO READ: Na Me F–Up? My Sister-in-Law Got Too Comfortable, So I Sent Her Packing

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Deola* (29) and Hassan* (31) first met as secondary school classmates and rekindled their connection years later at a singles event in 2024.

    On this week’s Love Life, they talk about their whirlwind teenage romance, the messy breakup that followed in university, and what it’s like giving love a second chance after nearly a decade apart.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Deola: We attended the same boarding school in Lagos and became friends in SS 3. I can’t recall all the details now, but we just clicked when we were preparing for our final exams.

    Hassan: I’d always seen her around in school, but we weren’t in the same circle. Finding out we’d sit close to each other during WAEC brought us closer together. I’m bad at Maths, and I teased her about helping me during the exam. She refused and said she’d rather teach me than cheat. So, I started coming to her class during afternoon prep, and we’d go over past questions together. Honestly, even the inventor of Maths couldn’t have helped me because I hated the subject. But I enjoyed her company, and that’s how we got close. Funny thing is, we only had a few months left before graduation.

    How did the Maths exam go, though? Did she assist?

    Deola: I couldn’t stand watching him fail. Since I was only two seats away, I had a clear view of him. I kept checking and knew he wasn’t doing anything. But he also wasn’t trying to disturb me, almost like he’d resigned to failure.  That made me feel bad.

    Hassan: She turned her answer booklet towards the guy beside her, and I copied from him. It wasn’t easy because the invigilators were everywhere, but I managed. When WAEC released the results months later, I got a C. I felt so indebted that I promised her a gift.

    Deola: By then, we’d graduated and returned home. He lived in Surulere, and I stayed in Obalende, so meeting up wasn’t easy. We finally saw each other at a small school reunion.

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    Right. Did you get your gift?

    Deola: Oh yes. It was a cute necklace with my name on it, a perfume set and chocolates. Everything screamed, “This is a gift for my girlfriend,” but we hadn’t officially had that talk yet. That said, I knew he liked me.

    Hassan: We actually had that talk that day. Everyone at the reunion saw the gift and teased us about being a couple.

    At what point did things progress between you??

    Hassan: Nothing happened after the reunion. I lost my phone and couldn’t reach her. I had her house address, but it was far, and I couldn’t just show up. So I gave up. I thought the ship had sailed before it even left the port.

    Deola: I tried to call him and sent loads of messages, but he was unreachable. I felt so sad because I still had butterflies from the reunion and his gifts. It felt like all that chemistry just fizzled out.

    About three or four months later, I got a Facebook message from Hassan . He’d gotten into UNILAG, and I was so happy. I’d also applied there and was waiting for the supplementary list.  We picked up like nothing happened. 

    Hassan: We both ended up at UNILAG and properly kicked off our relationship in 2014.

    Nice. So how was the relationship?

    Hassan: It was good at first. I wasn’t very social, so I leaned on Deola a lot. She knew everyone and everything. I’d walk around campus with her, and she’d stop every few steps to greet people. I thought it was cute, but her over-socialising later became a problem.

    Deola: I didn’t have much of a social life in secondary school because I was the “face your studies” type. UNILAG opened my eyes. I didn’t want to carry that boring vibe into uni. Hassan didn’t like it at first, but eventually adjusted.

    He stayed with a family friend in Yaba during his first year, and I sometimes spent weekends there. That year had many firsts for us — our first kiss, first sex, first hotel getaway. We were “that couple”. While most freshers were still finding their way, we were already serving couple goals by the third week.

    Single? Married? Divorced? Dating? In a situationship? We’re surveying Nigerians about love, relationships, marriage, and everything in between and we want to hear from YOU.

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    But did your socialising ever get in the way? 

    Deola: Not in the first year. Hassan made a few comments here and there, but nothing serious. He even tagged along sometimes, and my social circle helped us navigate lots of fresher issues.

    Once, he missed a test and was allowed to retake it because I knew the lecturer’s niece. The babe took Hassan to her uncle’s place, and he fixed a second test for the class. There were many moments like that where my social capital helped. 

    I think the real problem started in our second year. There was a clear disconnect between our circles, which caused constant tension.

    What sort of disconnect, Hassan? And why was her social life an issue if you benefited from it?

    Hassan: I wasn’t comfortable with her string of friends, but I was grateful she always knew someone who knew someone who could help. However, she had more male friends, and I was worried there were no boundaries. 

    She’d hang out with the guys behind my back. Once,  she went to a beach party with them and never mentioned it. I found out through someone else. She also had this clique of girlfriends whom she valued more than me. One call from them and she’d drop everything to join them.

    Every day she moved far and far away from the version of herself I went to school with; the girl who was excited about our relationship and about starting uni together.

    But did you consider that she was in a self-discovery phase?

    Hassan: I was changing too, but it wasn’t at the expense of our relationship. I managed to put her first and give our relationship the attention that it deserved.

    Deola: It’s been such a long time, and I don’t remember all the details. I’ll say my major grouse with Hassan was that it felt like he was clipping my wings. I tried to bring him along so we could have shared experiences, but his refusal meant I had to leave him out most of the time. The university isn’t all about books and studying; you also have to explore extracurricular activities. Hassan didn’t get that.

    I see. Did you guys ever find a common ground? 

    Deola: We didn’t. I decided I was done by the tail end of our second year in school. 

    Hassan: We were both done. By that time, she’d also gotten into drinking and smoking. I wasn’t judging her choices, but I didn’t think I could handle her wildness. When she said she wasn’t interested anymore, it felt like a burden lifted off my shoulders.

    What do you mean?

    Hassan: I didn’t want to initiate the breakup. Maybe it was because of our history or because we were practically each other’s first. It just felt wrong to walk away, and I don’t think I’d have handled the guilt well.

    Fair enough. So how did things move after you broke up?

    Deola: I missed Hassan — the friendship, the laughter, the inside jokes, and our safe space. But I also moved on quickly. UNILAG is fast-paced, and I was in the thick of it. I’d joined a group that organised campus events and other social activities, so I didn’t have time to sit around and mope.

    Throughout the rest of my stay in uni, he wasn’t on my radar. I’d moved on.

    Hassan: It was a mix of both for me. On one hand, I told myself I’d moved on. On the other, I still saw Deola everywhere. Friends would ask if I was attending an event, and when I said no, they’d remind me she was part of the organisers. She didn’t have to tell me she’d moved on; it was obvious. She had such a vibrant social life that there was no room left for heartbreak.

    I also knew when she started seeing someone else, then the person after that. She might not have noticed me again throughout school, but I always heard about her.

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    Must have been tough. Was it easier to move on when you left uni?

    Hassan: Definitely. Leaving school helped. I didn’t just move on from her; I wanted to forget everything about the university itself. Outside of what happened with Deola, I didn’t have a memorable time there.

    Deola: He was too stuck up. That was always his problem.

    I see. So how did you guys cross paths again?

    Deola: Funny story. I was in a relationship with the guy I dated after uni — we even got engaged in 2022. But I eventually realised I couldn’t spend my life with him. He had a drug addiction problem, and I knew I had to walk away. I called off the engagement later that year and stayed single afterwards.

    The whole thing broke me. I was depressed for most of 2023. Then, in February 2024, my sister invited me to a singles’ programme at her church. I’d been putting it off, but it was the final edition, so I decided to go. Guess who I ran into there? Hassan. He was actually trying to dodge me.

    Hassan: It was the most random and awkward meet-up ever. We hadn’t seen each other in almost ten years, and running into your ex at a singles’ event? Wild. I planned to sneak out when I saw her, but she beat me to it. She came over, called my name to confirm, and pulled me in for a hug.

    Awww

    Hassan: I didn’t see the hug coming, so I froze a bit. But I quickly put my arms around her to avoid the awkwardness. Then she hit me with, “What are you doing here?” I couldn’t lie fast enough, so I said I was just exploring my options.

    Deola: I told him I was doing the same. Something about his unplanned honesty made it easier for me to be open too.

    We spent the rest of the evening catching up, but you can’t unpack seven years in one night. We exchanged contacts, followed each other on Instagram, and promised to stay in touch.

    Hassan: I didn’t hear from her for two days after that random meet-up, and even though I tried to play hard guy, I couldn’t resist texting her. She replied immediately, like she’d been waiting for me. That’s how we found our way back to each other again.

    Sounds nice. Considering you were both single, did you guys try to find a spark?

    Hassan: I did. Meeting at that event answered questions we both had on our minds. In my head, I thought, “Why else would anyone attend a church programme for single people if they weren’t looking for love?”

    So I decided to be direct and asked about what she wanted, romantically speaking.

    Deola: I was honestly taken aback. I thought whatever we had ended ages ago. He kept bringing up memories from when we dated, and half the time, I couldn’t even remember them.

    I think I was more interested in understanding why he was still single at 30. It felt like a red flag. When he said, “I just haven’t found my person,” I didn’t buy it.

    But we started talking more and spending time together. He’d become a lot more social than I remembered, and I started considering the possibility of us again. That’s pretty much what we’ve been doing for the past year — figuring things out.

    Curious, Hassan. Aren’t you worried that the same issues that tore you apart years ago might resurface?

    Hassan: I’m not. We’ve spent months together now, and she’s no longer the wild girl that scared me away in uni. I think she’s had her fun and calmed down.

    Deola: That’s exactly why we haven’t made anything official. He keeps saying I’m calmer now, and I agree. I’ve had my “hoe phase”, and I’m not as drawn to the things that excited me back then. But is that part of me gone? Not really. I still go out when I feel like it. I still drink when I want to unwind.

    What I don’t want is a partner who’ll judge me or dictate what I can and can’t do. Hassan still gives off that vibe sometimes.

    But you mentioned he’s become a lot more social. Don’t you think things could be different if you gave this a second chance?

    Deola: That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out. We’ve both grown and changed, and we’re no longer the same people we were years ago. There’s no rush. We’re exclusive, but I want us to be intentional if we’re going to try again, especially since it could lead to marriage.

    Hassan: I agree with everything she said. 

    How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

    Deola: 7.5. Overall, I feel loved and appreciated, and I know we both put in the work to keep our connection alive.

    Hassan: I’d give us 8.  We’ve been given a second chance to get things right, and I love how we’re approaching it this time.

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

  • Benjamin* (25) didn’t set out to hurt his girlfriend. But between loneliness, temptation, and bad decisions, his relationship unravelled faster than he could fix it. 

    In this story, he opens up about his infidelity and the hard lessons it taught him. 

    Let’s start at the beginning. How did you meet your girlfriend?

    I met my girlfriend, Jane*, in 2023 after an acquaintance posted her birthday pictures on Snapchat. I thought she was stunning, so I added her. She added me back, and we started talking. I told her straight up that I liked her, and she said she liked me too.

    She was in her third year at uni, and since we lived in the same state, we saw each other often. We went on dates, hung out, and she had this calm, level-headed energy that made me want something serious—after my last toxic relationship, being with her felt refreshing.

    A month and a half after we started dating, we had sex. It was awkward because she didn’t tell me it was her first time, and that complicated things.

    In what way?

    We weren’t sexually compatible. I’m a very sexual person, and I told her that from the start, but she didn’t seem to care about sex the same way. 

    Jane preferred to hold back while I did most of the heavy lifting., I tried explaining that our sex life would be better if she showed more enthusiasm, but she never took it seriously. 

    With my ex, we experimented with toys, kinks, and even explored anal play on some occasions. But Jane shut down those conversations immediately. I respected her boundaries, but the lack of effort soon became frustrating. 

    She also started complaining about my lifestyle. I never hid the fact that I smoked and partied a lot, but she suddenly she didn’t like that. It felt like she was judging me for being myself.

    I can imagine. How did you handle that? 

    I ignored her complaints and stopped posting on social media so she wouldn’t be able to track my activities. One night, after telling her I was going to bed, I went clubbing with friends and ended up dancing with a girl. My friend recorded us, and because I was high, I posted the video on my Snapchat story.

    Jane saw it and went off. She kept asking if I slept with the girl, but I hadn’t. We’d only danced. Still, she didn’t believe me. Things got tense after that, and a few weeks later, she went home for her IT. Our communication got worse from there. I was the only one putting in effort to keep the relationship going.

    About two months later, I started spending more time with my neighbour, Lara*. We’d known each other for years but were just friends. She smoked too and once asked for my plug. A few days later, she invited me over for weed brownies to say thank you.

    That night, we got high together at her apartment. One thing led to another, and we had sex. It wasn’t planned. I felt guilty, but I also told myself that since Jane was away and already thought I was cheating, I might as well just let it happen. It became a habit. I promised myself I’d stop once Jane got back.

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    And did you?

    Not immediately. Lara was dominant, adventurous, and open to everything my girlfriend refused. It was easy to get addicted. I slipped back a few times, and Jane had no idea.

    When my birthday came around in November 2024, Jane completely spoiled me. I felt terrible. It was obvious she’d saved money and put in so much effort to pull off her surprise. I told Lara we had to stop, and she agreed. I promised myself I’d stay faithful.

    Right. Did you keep that promise?

    Yes. I was on the right path until February this year when Jane asked to use my phone and found an old Snapchat video of me and Lara high together. We were extra cuddly and it looked bad. She was furious and said that she could tell it wasn’t my room.

    I tried explaining that nothing had happened and we’d just hung out as friends, but she didn’t believe me. She asked for a break, and even though I begged, she insisted. Her decision to leave led me to make another mistake.

    I was heartbroken and beating myself up badly. To distract myself, I went drinking that weekend, got high again, and ended up having unprotected sex with a random girl at the club. The next morning, I barely remembered what had happened the previous night.

    Hmm. 

    Two weeks later, Jane reached out. She was willing to let go of the past and give us another chance. I thought the relationship was over, so I was happy. I swore I’d never mess up again, and we soon got our groove back.

    About a month later, Jane started complaining about pain when she peed. I thought it was just a UTI and told her to visit the hospital. But nothing could have prepared me for the wave of shock that hit me after she called, crying and screaming, that she’d tested positive for chlamydia.

    I immediately told her she couldn’t have gotten it from me. I didn’t have symptoms, and I’d not slept with anyone else since we reunited. But she insisted I was the only person she slept with and forced me to get tested. 

    And did that happen?

    It did, Jane was insistent. When I took the test, they found out it had been in my system longer than in hers. That was how she found out I’d cheated.

    I was embarrassed and ashamed. I confessed that I’d been so down after she asked for a break that I blacked out and ended up sleeping with a stranger. I begged her, paid for both our treatments, and apologised sincerely. But she was done with me. We broke up in April, and the separation was hard on me

    I stopped smoking and going out as much. I was celibate for months. The whole experience really made me take accountability for my actions and realise she was right to leave me. I needed to slow down. I even started attending church more and focused solely on my work.

    Did you hear from her again after that?

    Yes, she reached out in July. She said she’d been thinking about us and wanted us to become friends with benefits. She wanted to avoid multiple sexual partners and thought I was a good option since we had shared history.

    I obliged her request. That’s our present arrangement.

    I see. You don’t think someone is going to get hurt again?

    It’s unlikely. She’s clear on her stance and plans to cut me off once she leaves my city after school next year.

    I know I hurt her deeply, but I still love her. I just hope that with time, she’ll reconsider her stance on our future together.

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  • Some job titles instantly give women the ick before a single date can even happen. Not because the pay is bad or the work is unserious, but because dating Nigerian men in those industries has already given them premium headache. 

    From insane schedules to red-flag community behaviour, these careers have simply been blacklisted from romance. We asked Nigerian women to speak on the professions that instantly repel them from a potential lover, and they had interesting responses.

    “DJs and their unstable schedules are totally off limits” — Sarah*, 30

    After a brush with someone in nightlife, Sarah swore off anyone whose job involves late nights and endless parties.

    “If I hear you’re a DJ, I’m instantly friend-zoning you. I know what my eyes have seen. 

    In 2021, I dated a DJ who played at one of my favourite pregame spots. It was great at first: he had money and took me to fun places. But a few weeks in, I realised I’d bitten off more than I could chew.

    He was always outside. If he wasn’t playing a gig, someone was inviting him to chill at 2:00 am, and he’d expect me to come along. I work a 9-5, so it ruined my sleep schedule. Then there were the women who threw themselves at him, even in my presence. The worst part? He wouldn’t turn them down directly because he “didn’t want to be rude.” 

    One night, he left me at a smoke-filled house party with strangers to go pick up a friend.  He didn’t return for two hours. I was so tired the next day, I had to admit to myself it wasn’t sustainable, and I broke things off. I didn’t even have the energy to be sad. I first slept the entire weekend to recover my sanity.

    Now, I know I can’t handle it. I can be friends with a DJ, but I’ll definitely never date one again.”

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    “I can’t date anyone in the military” — Modupe*, 25

    For Modupe, one look at her uncle’s marriage was enough reason to blacklist men in uniform.

    “I’m not interested in dating any military personnel. In fact, the moment I hear you’re a paramilitary or have desires to join the army, I’m checking out.

    It’s mostly because of how I saw my uncle treat my aunt. He’d punish her like a child—, asking her to kneel and raise her hands like a baby. I can’t let anyone treat me like that. He also didn’t allow her to have any decision-making power in their relationship. 

    Another big issue was his constant absence. My aunt complained about wanting to grow their family, but couldn’t because he was always being deployed somewhere. Plus, imagine the constant worry of not knowing if your partner will come back home alive or in one piece.

    Abeg, it’s too much stress. Let the soldiers carry their wahala away from me.”

    “I have no desire to be ‘Mummy G.O.’” — Demilade*, 29

    After growing up as a pastor’s kid, Demilade has no intention of dating a man of God herself.

    “My dad pastors a small church in Ibadan, and let me tell you, I can never be with a spiritual leader. He wasn’t a bad father, but he was always emotionally drained. People came to him for prayers, advice, financial assistance, and deliverance. It never ended.

    It was a bit better when I was younger, before phones became more popular. But now? If it’s not a WhatsApp call asking to pray over a job interview link, it’s someone who has roped him into midnight prayers to fight against one spiritual battle or another. He takes it like a champ, but I’ve seen how it made him too tired to give the same attention to my mum or my siblings. It’s as if we support him to properly cater to his flock.

    I admire his work and dedication, but I knew for a long time that I’d never be happy partnering with someone like that. So when suitors talk to me, especially fellow Christians, one of my first questions is, “Do you plan to start your own ministry?” I need to know what I’m signing up for. I don’t want Mummy G.O wahala.”

    “I will never date a doctor again” — Faridah*, 30

    After dating a boyfriend she hardly ever saw, Faridah has sworn off doctors for life.

    “When I moved to Lagos in 2022, I met a handsome doctor at a bar, and soon after, we started seeing each other regularly. He was kind, sweet, and funny, but my main issue was that we hardly ever saw each other. 

    He was an OB-GYN, so most of his patients were pregnant women. That meant he could be called back to the hospital at any time— in the middle of the night, on a date, early in the morning; it didn’t matter. If the baby was coming, my man had to be there. 

    I admire his work, but I wasn’t having my emotional needs met. If he wasn’t at the hospital, he was sleeping. It was hard to say I felt neglected without sounding insensitive. It’s not like he was partying or slacking off; he was working.


    After we had to postpone our Valentine’s date in 2023, I knew I had to make the difficult decision to break up, which I did in April. I think you need to be very understanding to date someone like that, and I’m just not that person.”

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    “I can’t take a hypeman seriously” — Sade*, 27

    Sade hasn’t dated one, but she’s convinced a hypeman’s job is too frivolous to be taken seriously.

    “I can never date a hypeman. I’ve met a few and they’re extroverted and fun, but I find their job too unserious to take them seriously as partners.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love a good hypeman at a party; they keep the vibe alive. But I can’t imagine my man shouting ‘dorime no be for civil servants’ and see him as the one taking charge in our relationship. My friends think I’m reaching, but it’s just too much for me. 

    I think it’s the  yelling that turns me off.”

    “I can’t date any man who has to be offshore” — Tola*, 34

    After an unplanned long-distance relationship that didn’t work out, Tola is done dating men whose jobs require them to be away for extended periods.

    “I didn’t use to think a person’s job would affect how I saw them romantically, but a relationship in 2019 showed me a new personal boundary. 

    I started dating my ex in my final year in 2014. He studied engineering, so he had one more year in school. I did my NYSC in the same city, so we still saw each other often.

    After he graduated, he got a job in Rivers state, working on an offshore rig. At first, I was happy. The pay was good, and he loved his job. But soon it started putting a strain on our relationship. We didn’t plan to be in a long-distance relationship, so the sudden switch was uncomfortable. 

    There was hardly network on the rig, so we couldn’t communicate as much as I would have liked. But my biggest issue was how long he stayed away. I complained a lot at first, but I soon realised that I either had to accept the nature of his job or leave the relationship. I tried to manage, but the lack of communication, combined with the long distance, was too much to handle.

    Now, I can’t date someone who works on a rig again. Even if you’re busy, at least let me be able to call or see you when I need to.”

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    ALSO READ: 3 Generations, 1 Question: Is Cheating a Deal Breaker?

  • Diran*, 30, has been married for two years. When his sister-in-law moved in after NYSC, he thought it would be a short, harmless arrangement. But as weeks turned into months, things started to feel strange. Now, he’s wondering if setting boundaries makes him a bad husband or if he simply did what anyone in his position would.

    This is Diran’s dilemma, as told to Adeyinka

    When my wife first told me her younger sister needed a place to stay, I didn’t think twice. She had just completed NYSC and was still job-hunting. Their family lives far away in Ikorodu, and most of her interviews were around Surulere, Yaba, and Lekki. It made sense for her to stay with us temporarily until she found her footing.

    At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I even encouraged my wife when she dragged her feet at first. I had no idea it would turn into something that would make me question my own peace of mind.

    The first few weeks went smoothly. She was polite and reserved, and since she had friends in Lagos, she was hardly ever around during the day. My wife and I enjoyed having her. She’d help with chores, run small errands, and keep my wife company on weekends.

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    But gradually, her presence started to feel uncomfortable. It began with small things. She’d leave her underwear in the bathroom or forget to close the door when she was bathing. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, maybe she was just adjusting.

    Then one afternoon, I was taking a shower when she suddenly opened the door. I shouted, “Someone’s inside!” but she didn’t leave immediately. She casually said sorry and said she thought I was my wife. My heart was racing, not because of attraction but because I was embarrassed. I waited until my wife got home and mentioned it casually, hoping she’d talk to her. She also brushed it aside and said it wasn’t that serious an issue.

    Still, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling.

    I work remotely as a project manager, so I’m home most of the day while my wife, who works in a bank, leaves early and returns late. That means her sister and I spend long hours alone together. I usually keep to my office space, but sometimes when I step out to get water, I meet her sprawled on the couch in a singlet with no bra, scrolling through her phone or watching TV.

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    I’d look away quickly and walk back into my office. But each time it happened, it became harder to ignore. I started closing my office door more often, not because I thought I’d do anything wrong, but because I didn’t like how easily such situations could be misread.

    One morning, I came out to the kitchen and saw her wearing one of my wife’s short nighties. She was bending over the sink, washing plates, completely unaware that I was behind her.  Then I quietly turned and went back to the room. My mind was unsettled, like I’d done something wrong just by existing in seeing her that way.

    That evening, I tried to explain to my wife again. I told her I wasn’t comfortable being alone with her sister all day and that she seemed too relaxed around me. My wife frowned and asked, “What are you trying to say?” I said her sister needed to be more mindful around me. 

    She brushed it off again, saying I was exaggerating. I could tell she thought I was overreacting. I dropped the matter because I didn’t want it to sound like I was picking on her sister.

    Still, things kept piling up. The final straw came one Friday afternoon. I was on a work call in the living room, and she came out wearing only a towel. She walked past me casually, said hi, and went into the kitchen. It was like she didn’t even register how awkward that was. I ended the call abruptly and stayed in my room until my wife returned home.

    That night, I told her plainly that I didn’t want her sister living with us anymore. I said she could visit on weekends but not stay indefinitely.

    I expected her to understand. Instead, she exploded. She accused me of being inappropriate, of “thinking nonsense thoughts” about her sister. She said, “So because she’s free in her own sister’s house, you’re now uncomfortable?” I tried to explain it wasn’t about lust or attraction but about boundaries. She didn’t believe me.

    For days, we barely spoke. Her sister started keeping to herself, eating in her room and avoiding eye contact. My wife became cold, insisting I had misjudged her.

    Eventually, her sister moved back to Ikorodu after a small argument with my wife about job interviews. The day she left, my wife didn’t speak to me. It wasn’t until two days later she said, “I hope you’re happy now.”

    I thought I’d feel relieved when she left, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt guilty, like I’d disrupted something that could’ve been handled better. I keep wondering if I should’ve just endured it quietly until she found a job. Maybe if I’d said nothing, things would’ve resolved on their own.

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    But at the same time, I know how uneasy I was. I didn’t like that I had to second-guess every move I made in my own home. I didn’t like that I had to think twice before walking out of my office.

    My friends say I did the right thing, that I was being proactive. But my wife still thinks I overreacted. Last weekend, she told me her sister wanted to visit for a few days. I said okay, even though I felt tense. When she arrived, I made sure to be out most of the time. My wife noticed and asked why I was avoiding home. I told her it was easier that way.

    Now, I don’t know if I’ve created a crack in my marriage or if time will heal it. I keep asking myself: should I have been more patient? Should I have ignored it until she left on her own? Either way, things aren’t in a good place right now.

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Though she had her reservations about mixing work and romance, Hannah* (24) wanted to give dating a co-worker, Teniola* (25), a chance. 

    However, after only two months of Teniola’s inconsistencies, Hannah is glad that she kept their relationship a secret.

    In this Sunken Ships, she shares how their relationship began, the surprising call that caused it to end and why she’s never dating a coworker again.

    What’s the major lesson you learned from trying out an office romance?

    I learned that I should never try such a thing again. I just wanted to test the waters, I didn’t know it would lead to so much hurt.

    Tell me how it all started.

    Back in April 2025, I started a role at a new job. I noticed Teniola when I started because he was cute, but I wanted to keep things professional. Things changed in July, when Teniola* and I were assigned to work on the same project. We became very close and began chatting online and in the office every day. I liked his vibe, so even though I was hesitant at first, I allowed myself to indulge my feelings.

    What exactly drew you to him?

    Aside that we were working in close proximity, Teniola made it a point to compliment me every time he saw me at work. After a while, I warmed up to him. 

    Okay, so why were you initially hesitant?

    I wasn’t a big believer in office romance. I didn’t want to be caught in a situation that could make professionalism difficult. I also didn’t want any embarrassment at work, but I thought it would be different with Teniola.

    How did you guys start dating?

    In July, he asked me out in the cutest way on WhatsApp. He was learning a new language at the time, so he wrote a few words, asking me out on a date in French. Of course, I said yes.

    How did the date go?

    It was perfect. We went out to lunch and just talked. Talking to him was so fun, it was easy to agree to be his girlfriend.

    How were your early days together?

    They were great! He was everything I wanted. The only thing was that I insisted on us keeping our relationship a secret from our coworkers.

    Why? Was dating between coworkers disallowed where you worked?

    No, but I had heard many horror stories about office romances that went wrong, and I didn’t want my new colleagues to give me weird looks because we had ended things. I didn’t want the extra attention at all.

    So if you were keeping things lowkey and he was almost perfect, how did things go wrong?

    First, in September, I got taken off the project that had brought us closer in the office, so we weren’t spending as much time together at work. He had finished from Law School earlier this year and had his call to bar ceremony in October. I think he was overwhelmed with preparing for it. Between that and our new separation at work, our communication basically fizzled out.

    How did this make you feel? Did you try to talk to him about it?

    I felt really sad about our communication because our relationship was still new, so I tried to speak to him once about it. 

    Did he reassure you?

    No. He was very short with me and seemed stressed, so I kept my distance because I didn’t want to make him any more overwhelmed than he was. We went from long, winding conversations to simple “Hi”s and “Hello”s. It was weird.

    Wow. How did you put up with that?

    I figured that everything would go back to how it used to be when he was done with his Call to Bar ceremony, but othing changed. In the first weekend of October, he called me and gave me the worst news.

    What did he say?

    He beat around the bush but eventually said he wanted to break up with me. 

    Whoa, out of nowhere?

    Yes, I was so hurt and surprised. I agreed, though, and I was grateful that we had kept it a secret from the others at work. What hurt me the most, was how he treated me after.

    How did he treat you?

    He treated me like a complete stranger at work. He didn’t even respond when I greeted him.

    Ah. That’s rude.

    So rude. It annoyed me, so I gave him the same energy and kept my distance.

    Did he try to reach out to you after giving you the cold shoulder?

    Surprisingly, yes, he did. About a week after, he started sending me messages and calling me, saying he had made a mistake and wanted us to get back together. He even got one of his team members to come and beg me to respond to him.

    What did you do?

    I finally agreed to have a quick chat over lunch, and I told him I didn’t see us getting back together. He had done enough to hurt me, and I thought our relationship was better off just being professional.

    I love that you stood on business.

    I had to. I was already afraid of how office romances that go sour can affect you at work. I didn’t want to find out more about it. Working with a broken heart was already bad enough.

    Do you think you and Teniola could at least become friends again even if a romance between you doesn’t work in the future?

    No, I’m not interested. He’s a good colleague but nothing more than that.

    What about office romance? Do you think you’ll try again in the future?

    At all, o. I’m even more afraid of them now after my brush with Teniola. Please let work remain work. I can go and find romance outside.

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  • When Fikayo* (28) got married at 22, she thought it would look like the fairytales she grew up watching abroad, the kind filled with movie dates, shared laughter, endless kisses, and a best friend who doubles as a life partner.

    Seven years later, she’s learning that marriage is less about romance and more about growing up, choosing peace, and finding yourself all over again inside a partnership.

    This is a look into her marriage diary.

    I thought marriage would be like a romantic friendship

    I always thought marriage would be fun. Like two best friends doing life together — vibing, playing, working, cooking, travelling, everything. I pictured us going to the cinema, sharing popcorn, laughing at the same jokes, going out to eat, and just being that couple everyone looks at and says, “God, when?”

    That’s the kind of marriage I grew up seeing around me. I spent a significant part of my childhood abroad, and the culture there influenced how I perceived love. Husbands and wives seemed like best friends. They did everything together — from school runs to Saturday shopping — and still looked genuinely happy doing it.

    Even the movies and books I consumed sold that same idea: that your partner should be your best friend. Someone you’re excited to be around all the time. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t always be rosy, but I honestly thought marriage would look close to that picture. You know, easy, light, and full of companionship.

    That’s the image that stuck with me for years, and it didn’t change until I actually got married.

    Marriage forced me to grow up in ways I didn’t expect

    I think the biggest surprise for me was realising how much growing up happens after marriage. People talk about growing up before marriage — how you should mature, get ready, be stable — but nobody tells you how much more growth marriage forces out of you.

    For me, it came gradually. I didn’t even notice I was changing until I started reacting differently to things that used to get under my skin. I used to be someone who always had a comeback, who couldn’t let things go. But marriage made me start choosing peace over proving a point.

    One particular incident stands out. One morning, I needed transport fare to get to work. I had money in another account, but I forgot to withdraw. So I asked my husband for cash. Normally, it shouldn’t be a big deal. But we’d had a fight the previous night, and he was still upset.

    He said something like, “Let your disrespect get you the money you need.” That hurt me deeply. Growing up, I never lacked anything. My dad always made sure I was comfortable. So, hearing my husband say that because of a small argument, and refusing to help me, just threw me off.

    I knew he had cash, so I opened his wallet and took the money. He got angry, twisted my arm a bit, and snatched it back. I just stood there crying. It wasn’t about the money anymore; it was about how quickly things could go south in marriage.

    I called my dad crying, expecting him to comfort me. Instead, he said, “Well, you chose to marry a starter.” That was his way of saying I should deal with my choice. He sent me some money later for transport but added, “I won’t buy you a car. When you can, buy one yourself.”

    That whole incident humbled me. It was the first time I realised that marriage isn’t just about love or vibes. It’s about emotional intelligence and knowing when to fight, when to keep quiet, and when to choose peace.

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    Marriage has taught me that trust shouldn’t be 100%

    This might sound strange, but one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t trust anyone 100%, not even your spouse. Of course, you love and respect them, but full trust? That’s something you reserve for yourself.

    Marriage has its seasons. Sometimes your partner’s actions or decisions will test your patience and make you question everything. It’s not about being paranoid; it’s about learning to keep a part of yourself grounded, even when everything else feels uncertain.

    I’ve realised that blind trust can lead to resentment. You start feeling betrayed when your partner doesn’t meet expectations they never even knew existed. So now, I trust my husband — but I also trust myself to handle life if things ever go left. That balance keeps me sane.

    Our differences in intimacy almost broke us

    One of the hardest things to navigate in marriage has been intimacy. My husband isn’t a very physical or romantic person. He can go months without intimacy and be completely fine. Meanwhile, I’m the opposite. I crave closeness and affection, not just sex, but touch, laughter, shared moments.

    In the beginning, I took it personally. I thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’d say hurtful things like, “Are you sure you’re even a man?” It was wrong, but I was frustrated. I felt lonely.

    Over time, I learned to communicate better. Instead of attacking him, I started asking questions. I found out it wasn’t about me; it’s just how he’s wired. Once I understood that, I stopped turning it into a war. Now, if I need affection, I tell him. If he’s not in the mood, I don’t take it personally.

    It took years to get here, but that’s one of the biggest lessons marriage has taught me: that communication is more powerful than complaint.

    [ad]

    I got married too early because of pressure

    If I could advise my young and unmarried self, I would tell her to be patient before leaping into marriage.

    I got married at 22, barely a few months after graduating. I was 23 when I had my first child. Looking back, I know I wasn’t ready. But where I come from, you don’t really have much choice.

    My dad’s side of the family has this tradition — once you’re finishing university, the next thing they expect is marriage. My mum and aunties were constantly bringing it up, and I didn’t want to be the odd one out.

    One day, out of frustration, I opened my Instagram and messaged all the guys who had been sending me direct messages. I told myself I’d marry whoever replied first, and my husband did. We started talking, dated for six months, and got married.

    I’m not saying I regret marrying my husband, but I wish I’d taken my time. Maybe if I’d married at 25, I would’ve had more experience and emotional maturity. I could’ve travelled more, learned more, maybe even made better decisions.

    Because I was so young, I had to learn everything the hard way. I had to learn how to run a household, manage finances, and communicate effectively without losing my identity. It’s been seven years of growing up while being someone’s wife and mother.

    I’ve lost some parts of myself, but I’m learning to adapt

    Before marriage, I was the fun one in my circle. I loved going on outings, trying new restaurants, having movie nights, and making spontaneous plans. I wasn’t a party girl, but I loved enjoying life in a classy way.

    My husband gave me the impression that he was like that, too. He was in the Navy before we got married, travelled a lot, posted fun photos online, so I assumed we’d be perfect together. But marriage revealed that he’s actually a homebody. He’d rather stay indoors than go anywhere.

    At first, that frustrated me. I wanted us to do monthly date nights, weekend trips and other fun activities to keep the spark alive. But he saw it as unnecessary. He made it seem like I liked going out too much.

    Eventually, I stopped forcing it. Now, I find my joy in small solo moments. Sometimes, after work, I stop for ice cream and eat it in the car before heading home. Or I take my boys out to a park on weekends. I’ve learned that I don’t have to depend on him for every happy experience. He’s a loner, and I’m learning to be at peace with this version of him.

    Still, there’s a part of me that misses my old self. The carefree girl who loved planning outings and surprising her partner with little things. I miss her, but I’ve made peace with this version of my life.

    The biggest compromise has been letting him always have his way

    My husband is twenty years older, and it shows in how he handles things. He’s set in his ways. Once he decides something, that’s it.

    Early in the marriage, I used to argue and try to present my point of view, but it always came across as disrespectful. I got tired of trying to explain myself.

    Now, I just say “okay” and move on. Sometimes I still quietly do what I think is right, but I don’t argue. I’ve learned to choose peace, even if it feels like silence.

    Is it worth it? Not really. Because sometimes, I feel unseen, like my voice doesn’t count. But for the sake of our two kids, I’ve learned to let things go. Peace, even if one-sided, feels better than constant war.

    Friendship keeps a marriage going, not just love

    If you asked me seven years ago, I’d have said love is everything. But after all I’ve experienced, I know love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. You need friendship, understanding, and respect.

    Love fades sometimes. There are days when you’re angry, tired, or disconnected. But if you’re friends, you’ll find your way back.

    My husband isn’t perfect, but he’s still my biggest supporter. He’s the reason I started my NGO. He helped me build the foundation, encouraged me to apply for grants, and even stayed up late helping me prep for exams. That’s the part of him I cherish deeply.

    But I still crave a little more softness, more intentional effort, more companionship. I wish we did more together, not because we have to, but because we want to.

    Marriage has taught me that you can love someone deeply and still wish for more. And that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, it’s the friendship that holds everything together when love feels quiet.

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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