relationships | Page 5 of 110

Sometimes, in Nigeria, adulthood isn’t just about age; it’s about the permission to assert yourself constantly. You can be 30, have a degree, even pay bills, yet still get treated like a rebellious teenager. For many young Nigerians, adulthood isn’t something they step into: it’s something they have to fight for. We asked some of them what it’s like to live under parental control even as adults, and they had a lot to get off their chests.

“I can’t imagine my life without controlling parents” – Tomiwa*, 22, M

Tomiwa expected more freedom after turning 18, but his parents have refused to let up. After several failed attempts to assert himself, he’s decided to manage the situation until he can stand on his own.

“I’m 22 and still fully dependent on my parents. When I turned 18, I expected a little more freedom to make my personal choices, but I never got that, no matter how much I protested or rebelled.

My strict 6:00 p.m. curfew remains the most annoying rule I have to follow. Because of it, I rarely go out when I’m home from school. I must ask permission before visiting anyone or risk problems at home.

Once, I complained about how suffocating the rules felt, and my dad flogged me until I bled. I still have scars from that beating. This control has affected me in both good and bad ways. I realised I can’t make decisions without first checking with them. Even in school, I find myself reporting everything I do. On the flip side, I’ve become a good liar. They never allowed me to learn a skill so I don’t make any money. I watch my mates living independently, while I still ask permission to visit a friend.. If I try to assert myself, they complain or preach that the devil wants to lead me astray. They only support any decision I make if they think it’s ‘good enough’.

The worst part is I can’t imagine life without them. Their control gives me structure and stability I don’t know how to replicate. I don’t make big decisions about my life, and in its own way, it’s freeing. I hate it, but I’ve gotten used to it. These days, I just go with the flow for peace to reign.”

“They paint my independence as rebellion, but it’s not true” – Demi*, 22, F

Even though Demi lives on her own, she still has to defend her choices. As the first child, breaking this cycle of control is important for her siblings’ access to free will.

“I currently live alone thanks to NYSC. I paid my rent myself, and I don’t contribute to bills at home. I help out occasionally, but that’s about it.

The first time I noticed I was still being treated like a teenager was after university. I wanted to visit a friend, and my parents questioned me like it was secondary school all over again. They asked if the friend had ever visited me before. When I insisted, they gave me a strict time to be home.

When I’m at home, I have to follow other strict rules, including no calls after 8:00 p.m. and a 7:00 p.m.curfew. The night call ban frustrates me the most. I try not to follow all their rules, but it always ends in exhausting arguments.

For instance, the school I’m serving at recently went on a mid-term break, and my mum insisted I return home. When I refused, she reported me to my dad, claiming I was spending time with a man.

This constant monitoring has especially affected my social life. I barely have friends, let alone a romantic relationship.

I’m 22; if I can’t make my own decisions now, when will I? I’m the first child, and it’s important that I break free of their control so my siblings can have an easier run. My mum keeps trying to paint my need for independence as rebellion, but I know she just wants to keep me under her thumb.

If I had total autonomy, I’d live without worrying about their approval. My social life would improve, and I’d finally be able to make and keep friends.”

“My mum refuses to treat me like an adult” — Mide*, 22, F

Mide shares how, even after leaving university, her mum’s control still dictactes her every move.

“I’m freshly out of uni and waiting on NYSC, so I’m still dependent on my parents. My mum still treats me like a child; her word is always final. She says I’m grown, but never treats me like my own person.

She needs to know everything — where I am, where I’m going, who I’m going with. She also insists I follow her to church even when I don’t want to.

I find myself scared of doing basic things because I know I’ll eventually have to explain myself.. It’s very draining, and half the time I don’t even bother at all.

Whenever I try to assert any kind of independence, she reminds me she’s my mum and older than me; typical Yoruba mother stuff. If I had full autonomy, I’d live on my own away from their constant monitoring. I think I’d also find socialising and dating a lot easier.”

“I just got my independence and now, I know it’s something that must be fought for” — Augustus*, 31, M

Augustus only recently broke free from his mother’s control. Despite paying most of the bills, he still lived by her strict rules.

“I lived with my mum till I was 30 and only moved out in September 2024. She’s been retired for a while, so I paid rent and split other bills with my brother. Despite this fact, my living situation was awful.

My mother is very traditional and loves reminding me she’s older. Anytime she doesn’t get her way, she’d pull the ‘Don’t you know I’m your mother?’ card. I couldn’t stay out late, and even when I stayed with friends or lodged at a hotel, it caused arguments. Even watching a late-night movie caused problems; she’d ask why I wasn’t using the time to pray. Anything that didn’t align with her personal traditional and religious beliefs, she tried to shut down.

She always wanted to know what was happening in my friendships or relationships. I’m a confident person, but her behaviour still affected my social life. When I lived with her, my female friends couldn’t visit because she assumed I had something more with them. I even stopped inviting my male friends because she would ask them a thousand and one questions.

When I tried to assert myself, she didn’t take it well. She’d get livid and combative every time I tried to do things on my own. At 29, she was still dictating what I could or couldn’t do. My mates already had children, but she was trying to tell me how to live my life.

Now that I live alone, I’m able to spend time with my friends more intimately. They can visit and chill until they’re ready to leave. It was something I was never allowed to do.”

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“At night, I hide my phone from my parents” — Timileyin*, 28, F

Timileyin shares how she’s secretly planning to escape her parents’ suffocating control.

“I still live with my parents, but I’m secretly planning to move out in early 2026. They’ve always been overbearing and monitored my movement since secondary school. They hardly let me visit friends, and my friends couldn’t visit either. Even in university, I wasn’t allowed to stay in the hostel. My dad would drop me off at the gate every morning and pick me up after class. I never attended any parties or school dinners.

Once, in 2017, my mum went through my phone and found my messages with my crush on Facebook. I had to start handing my phone to them every night. It’s been very frustrating.

I still have a 7:00 p.m. curfew, even though I work at a front desk. Lagos traffic means I get into trouble with them a lot if I get home late. Whenever I do, they accuse me of following bad girls and say that if I ruin my life, it’s my fault.

One of my coworkers is 23 and lives alone. She seems more put together than I am, and I envy her freedom. My parents’ control has really affected my confidence. I find it hard to stand up for myself.

Two years ago, I told them I wanted to get my own apartment, but they refused. They kicked against the idea, saying armed robbers could attack or that no man would marry a woman living alone. Eventually, I gave up the idea and continued living with them.. I’ve only recently started fighting back, and they don’t take it well. Now, I refuse to give them my phone at night; instead, I hide it. It drives my mum crazy. She accuses me of watching porn or talking to men. I barely entertain the accusations. It’s ridiculous that I even have to hand over my phone at all.

I’ve been saving up for the past eight months. When I get to my target, I’ll move out and rent a decent two-bedroom apartment. I don’t plan to tell them until it’s time to move. I look forward to making new friends and hosting them at my place. It’s something I’ve only seen people do on social media.”

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We’re surveying Nigerians about their real experiences with relationships—the good, the bad, the complicated. Whether you’re single, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, your story matters.This anonymous survey will help us create Nigeria’s most comprehensive report on modern love. Click here to participate.

Here’s Your Next Read: 5 Nigerian Women on the Frequency of Sex Before and After They Got Married

Last week, we heard from Nigerian men about how the frequency of sex changed after they got married. This week, it’s the women’s turn.

From those who waited till after marriage to those who explored early and now feel their libido dipping, these married women tell us how sex has evolved in their relationships since saying “I do.”

“Before marriage, we did everything but sex” — Grace*, 35

Grace didn’t sleep with her husband before marriage, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t intimacy. She says they explored everything else and built deep chemistry before officially crossing that line.

“Before marriage, we did everything but sex. He never pressured me, even though he clearly wanted to. He was very much into foreplay and making me feel desired, but he respected my decision to wait until we were married.

After marriage, our sex life was honestly mind-blowing. The first two years were so intense that I can’t even count how many times we did it. I was experiencing real sex for the first time, and it was exciting to finally share that part of myself with someone I loved.

Four years later, things are calmer. The sex still happens, but not as frequently or as adventurous as before. Between work, raising our child, and the general tiredness of being an adult, it’s hard to find that same energy.

My husband still has a very strong drive, and I try to keep up, but sometimes I just can’t. I find myself saying ‘maybe tomorrow’ a lot more often these days. I know it’s not what it used to be, but I remind myself that we’ve both evolved. The love is still there; we just express it differently now.”

“My libido has dropped, but my husband’s hasn’t” — Debby*, 29

Debby says her sex life with her husband used to be one of the best parts of their relationship. They were experimental, adventurous and in sync. Now, two years into marriage, she’s not sure where all that energy went.

“Before marriage, we were very active. We experimented a lot and tried so many new things together; things I can’t even mention here. We both had the same kind of energy, and it just worked.

Now that we’ve been married for two years, things are moving at a slower pace. We don’t have a child yet, but our sex life has definitely dropped. Honestly, I think it’s mostly me. My husband still has the same drive; he could have sex every single day if I let him.

But for me, I’m not always in the mood. After a long day at work, all I want to do is cuddle and sleep. Before I know it, he’s already trying to go further. I hate turning him down because he gets moody, and even when he says he’s fine, I can tell he’s not.

Sometimes, I offer handjobs or try to please him in other ways, but it doesn’t always work. I don’t even understand what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s stress, hormones, or maybe it’s just part of getting older. But it worries me. If it’s like this now when we don’t even have kids, what will it be like when a baby comes?”

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“If my husband doesn’t initiate, I can go months without sex” — Banke*, 40

Banke has been married for 12 years, and she’s honest about how much motherhood and time have changed her sex life. What started as a very active relationship has now become one that depends largely on her husband’s initiative.

“Before marriage, sex between us was frequent, maybe even too frequent. We were both very attracted to each other, and that attraction continued after we got married.

But once childbearing started, everything changed. I don’t like having sex during pregnancy, so my husband had to hold himself through all three. After childbirth, it always took me at least four to six months before I could even have sex without pain.

Something about the long dry spells, the sleepless nights, and the stress of motherhood just killed my drive. These days, if my husband doesn’t initiate, I’m fine going months without it. I still love him deeply, but sex isn’t top of my list anymore.

He reminds me that sex is just as important as every other part of our marriage, and I understand that. We’ve tried to spice things up before. I remember one time we took the kids to their granny’s place and lodged at a hotel for a week. I slept through most of it. We only had sex twice. My husband was annoyed, and I had to find a way to make it up to him when we got home.

Honestly, I think he’s probably getting it somewhere else these days. I’ve seen little signs, but I don’t have the energy to chase it down. As long as he uses protection and doesn’t impregnate anyone, I’m fine. In fact, I feel relieved every time we go to bed and I know I won’t find his hands wandering about when I just want to sleep.”

“I didn’t enjoy sex until after my first year of marriage” — Derinsola*, 38

For Derinsola, sex after marriage started out as a painful obligation before turning into something she actually looked forward to. However, after motherhood and the body changes that came with it, that excitement slowly faded away again.

“My husband was the first man I ever slept with. Before marriage, we didn’t go past kissing and the occasional handjob, and that only happened on weekends when I visited him. He’s on the big side, so when we finally got married, it took a really long time before sex became enjoyable for me.

The first year was tough. I used to dread nights because I knew what was coming. Sometimes, I’d almost cry before or during sex because it hurt too much. He was patient and would often stop and tell me he could help himself, but I’d insist he continued. I felt like I had to get used to it.

Eventually, it got better. I started enjoying it so much that I was even the one initiating. That was probably the best phase of our marriage.

But after I had our first child, everything changed again. I gained a significant amount of weight and never really regained my old body. Now, there are days when I don’t feel attractive at all. I turn down sex even when I want it because I’m self-conscious about my body.

My husband still initiates, but I sometimes feel like he does it out of obligation, not desire. He’s always said he prefers slim women, and even though he’s never complained about me, I can’t unhear that. So whenever he makes a move, I wonder if he’s just being kind or if he actually still finds me attractive.”

“Our sex life slowed down after my husband started medication” — Sade*, 33

Sade has been married for five years, and while she says marriage has been mostly great, the one thing she didn’t expect was how much her husband’s health would affect their sex life.

“Before we got married, sex was never an issue. We had it as often as we wanted. Sometimes every day, sometimes twice a day if we were together for a long weekend. There was chemistry, and everything just flowed naturally.

But two years into our marriage, my husband was diagnosed with high blood pressure. The medication he was placed on has really affected his libido. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening. He went from being the one always initiating sex to barely touching me. I thought maybe he was cheating or had fallen out of love.

It took a lot of honest conversations for him to finally explain how embarrassed he felt about not being able to perform the way he used to. That was when I started reading about the side effects of his medication, and I realised it wasn’t in his control.

These days, we don’t have sex as often; maybe once or twice a month, sometimes even less if he’s not feeling up to it. I’ve had to learn patience and find other ways to stay close to him. We cuddle, kiss, and have long talks. Still, there are moments when I miss how things used to be.

Sometimes, I just wish there was a way to fix it because it affects both of us. He feels guilty; I feel neglected. But I also know it’s not his fault, and I’d rather have him healthy than risk his life just because of sex.”

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

When Opeyemi* (28) and Aanu* (28) met in secondary school, they bonded over novels, art, and a shared sense of loyalty. For years, they were inseparable, the kind of best friends people mistook for sisters.

But when Aanu started dating someone who Opeyemi tried to advise against, the friendship that once felt unbreakable suddenly began to fall apart.

What was the moment you realised that your friendship with Aanu was over?

When she chose her cheating boyfriend over our friendship and tried to blame me for straining their relationship, I knew then that it was time for me to stop putting my energy where it wasn’t wanted.

That’s wild. Tell me how you and Aanu met.

She joined our SS1 class in 2011 after transferring from a different school. We both liked art and novels, so we bonded very quickly. After a month, we became seatmates and stayed close till the end of secondary school.

How would you describe those early years of your friendship?

They were great. She was someone I could confide in, and I felt safe in our friendship. I believe she felt that way as well. We spent so much time together both in and out of school that if I went somewhere by myself, people would ask why she wasn’t with me. We were like sisters.

What changed?

We went to the same university after graduation in 2013, and with our new freedom, we started dating. The problem was that Aanu had terrible taste in boys. She always seemed to pick the worst ones. As her closest friend, I would support her as best as I could, but watching her make those bad choices was difficult.

How did this make you feel?

It annoyed me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I felt that we were still young and learning how to navigate romance, so I stood by her. Things took a bad turn in our 300L when she started dating the worst guy ever.

Tell me about that.

He was a very good-looking and popular engineering student, a year ahead of us, but he was a serial cheat. His escapades were public and embarrassing. She was always crying about something he did, and I hated seeing her that way. After their first anniversary, he cheated on her again. When she came to me in tears, I encouraged her to leave him, and she did.

That’s great. What was the issue?

She got back together with him a month later but didn’t tell anyone. One day in October 2017, a mutual friend texted me asking if Aanu and her ex were still together. When I told her they weren’t, she said she saw them together looking chummy. I immediately texted Aanu to confirm if it was true.

What did she say?

She told me that he apologised and they talked things through. When I tried to tell her that the same thing would happen again because she kept giving him chances, she said I shouldn’t speak badly about her man.

Ah. What happened after that?

I was shocked and stopped replying to her messages. We didn’t see or reach out to each other for a couple of days. Then I reached out to her, asking to talk. I wanted to be sure she was making the decision to date him again with a clear head.

How did the talk go?

It never happened. She sent me a message saying that her boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with our friendship and that the main reason they kept having problems was that my constant advice was putting a strain on their bond. She rounded off the message saying that we should spend some time apart so she could focus on her relationship.

Omo, that’s crazy.

I kept rereading that message over and over. A girl I had known since I was fourteen was just going to throw our friendship away because of a cheating man? I couldn’t believe my eyes.

How did you respond?

I just replied with “Sure”. I didn’t want to force it, but I knew in my heart that it was the end of our friendship.

How did you handle the end of your friendship with someone who was like a sister?

It hit me hard. For a while after, I was wary of letting other people in because I didn’t want to go through that again. I would see something funny or interesting and almost send it to her before I remembered that we weren’t friends anymore. It sucked. I still miss her sometimes.

Did she ever try to reach out to you since then?

Yeah, when we graduated in 2018, she sent me a congratulatory message and even invited me to her graduation party. I didn’t respond.

Fair enough. Do you know if she and her boyfriend stayed together?

I heard from our mutual friends during our service year that he broke up with her because he “couldn’t handle long-distance relationships”.

Do you think you can reconcile and rekindle your friendship with her?

No, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. Even if we somehow started being friends again, it will never be the way it used to be.

Hey, if you’d like to share your own #SunkenShips story with Zikoko, fill out this form!

There’s no feeling as unsettling as realising you’re jealous of the person you love, especially when it forces you to confront parts of yourself you’d rather ignore. In this article, five Nigerians share the uncomfortable ways jealousy crept into their relationships and how they’ve learned to navigate those feelings.

“Motherhood has taken so much from me, but he’s unaffected” — Omotola, 43

Having kids reshaped Omotola’s* entire life, and watching her husband remain untouched by those changes became the root of her resentment.

“I haven’t felt good about myself since 2013, when I started having children. Three consecutive pregnancies changed my body. My face looked tired and drawn, and I constantly felt weak, sometimes struggling after the shortest walks. Meanwhile, my husband still looked fresh, moved around with ease, and never had to deal with the physical or emotional toll I carried.

What pushed me over the edge was the lack of support after each birth. Even my in-laws, who came to ‘help’, still sent me on errands. My husband would sit legs crossed, while I struggled to move around with a healing body. I often found myself wishing I were him. That was the start of a deep resentment I didn’t know I could feel.

Years later, I still haven’t found my spark. Earlier this year, a church member jokingly said my husband was ‘shining more’ than me, even though he’s older. They meant it as a harmless compliment, but I haven’t forgiven it. It’s hard to come to terms with how much motherhood has taken from me while he seems untouched in comparison.”

“She doesn’t know what it’s like to worry about money” — Nathan* 32

For Nathan*, dating a partner who’s blind to her privilege has been an experience that tugs at his heart.

“My girlfriend comes from a wealthy family. Her parents cover most of her expenses, but she still asks me for things. I’m doing okay for myself, but sometimes I wish I had the same safety net she grew up with because I know I’d use it differently.

What really gets to me is how she talks about the economy. She complains about cutting back on shopping while I’m stressing over savings and long-term plans. We’re clearly affected in very different ways, yet she speaks as if we’re experiencing the same struggle. I’ve tried to ignore it, but the frustration shows in small ways. Whenever she asks for something, my first instinct is to say I don’t have it. I feel like she’s used to being provided for and automatically expects the same from me, without considering my reality.

I don’t think she’s intentionally insensitive. Most of it comes from not understanding what it’s like to worry about money. Still, I don’t like these feelings and how they make me act. She’s a good person, so I’m trying to acknowledge my emotions and work through them so her privilege doesn’t become a barrier between us. If I can manage that, I believe the relationship will be much healthier.”

“I made her lose a job that would’ve paid her millions” — Lawal*, 41

Lawal’s* fear of losing control in his marriage ran so deep that it led him to stand in the way of his wife’s biggest opportunity.

“My wife is an accountant, but I helped her start a tailoring business while she searched for a proper job. Over the years, I’ve changed my mind about wanting her to get a corporate job; she’s shown me how bossy and controlling she can be. During arguments, she talks anyhow and hurls insults. So I convinced myself it was safer if I handled most of the financial responsibilities; at least that way, I still had some autonomy.

Last year, a close friend who works at a big finance company told me of an opening and asked if my wife was interested. I was shocked when I saw the salary ran into millions. I told him I’d send her CV, but I kept stalling.

We’d just had another fight, and the thought of her earning millions while I earned thousands scared me. I didn’t want more resentment between us, so I didn’t send the CV or told her about the opportunity.

When my friend eventually said he’d given the job to someone else, the guilt hit me. I told myself I did it to protect my home, but when I prayed about it later, I knew jealousy played a much bigger role than I wanted to admit.”

“He takes his parents for granted” — Uju*, 28

Uju* thought her tough upbringing made her immune to family wounds, until her boyfriend’s loving family made her see things differently.

“I grew up without parents and moved between different relatives’ homes. They didn’t maltreat me, but I never experienced the attentive care children get from their own parents. I thought I’d made peace with it and convinced myself it didn’t affect me.

Then in 2023, when I started dating my partner, I realised that part of me was still deeply wounded.

My boyfriend’s parents are very involved in his life. His mum travels far distances just to see him, cooks soups, stocks his fridge, and fusses over him with genuine affection. His dad also calls often to check in or pray for him. Yet he constantly calls them overbearing and even ignores their calls. Whenever he complains, it irritates me.

A year into the relationship, I got close to his parents myself. I checked in and tried to be as helpful as possible. But my boyfriend didn’t appreciate the gesture. He said it made him uncomfortable, adding that I was crossing boundaries and oversharing his private details with his mum.

He also said he no longer felt comfortable talking to me about family issues because I always redirected the conversation back to what I never had. He said I made him feel guilty for having parents at all. It hurt to hear, and I considered ending the relationship.

But after speaking to a few people, I began to understand where he was coming from. I realised many of my reactions were tied to a longing that turned into irritation whenever I saw him taking his parents for granted.

Now I’m more self-aware. I respect his boundaries and let him handle his family issues without inserting myself. Still, I always feel a certain way whenever he complains about them.”

“I felt inferior next to her” — Fiaza*, 30

Faiza* adored her girlfriend, but standing beside someone who commanded every room slowly built her insecurities.

“My ex-girlfriend is extremely attractive. She’s the kind of woman who turns heads everywhere she goes, and that was one of the first things that drew me to her. I, on the other hand, have always struggled with my body. I’ve been overweight for years, and after trying so many times to change it, I eventually gave up.

Whenever we went out, people compared us without saying a word. Men who didn’t know we were a couple walked up to her and flirted right in front of me. What hurt even more was that she never told them off. She mostly responded politely. Meanwhile, nobody ever noticed or approached me. Even my own friends commented on how hot she was, but never said anything sweet about me.

I was embarrassed to admit it, but I always felt insecure standing next to her. I’d shut down whenever we went out and sometimes avoided going out because I hated how it made me feel. She noticed the change and asked what was wrong, but I always brushed it off. We argued about my coldness so many times that it eventually broke us up less than a year into the relationship.

Looking back, I know jealousy played a big part. She didn’t deserve the weight of my insecurities, and I should’ve worked on myself.”

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In 2022, Folake* (27) suddenly found herself homeless and broke after her long-time boyfriend ended their relationship. In this story, she shares how the breakup was her wake-up call to make better financial decisions and what rebuilding has looked like.

As Told To Boluwatife

One night in August 2022, I tapped my boyfriend, Tunde*, awake, ready for war.

When he opened his eyes, I presented him with evidence I’d painstakingly gathered over two weeks: screenshots of chats, selfies and voice notes to prove his infidelity.

I’d discovered he was cheating on me with multiple women by chance. One random girl had messaged me on Snapchat: “Hi dear, sorry to bother you, but are you dating Tunde?”

I laughed at first because I knew what that meant. She was coming to me “woman to woman” to claim she had a thing with my man.

I thought, “Surely, this babe is joking. Not my Tunde.”

Then she sent screenshots and pictures. Tons of pictures.

My blood ran cold. My chest was tight. For a few hours, I convinced myself it was a prank. Then, I systematically went through his phone for weeks and saw enough to write a Tyler Perry movie.

When I confronted him that night, I expected drama, begging, maybe even tears. I desperately wanted him to explain and give me excuses — a reason to forgive him.

It sounds pitiful, but Tunde was my world. We’d been together for four years and lived together for three. I just wanted us to go back to how things were. Instead, Tunde looked me dead in the eye and said, “So, you’ve found out. What do you want me to do?”

I thought my ears weren’t working. I asked him, “Is that what you’re supposed to say?”

He calmly said, “You’re the reason I do all this rubbish, Folake. You’re too controlling. Maybe we should take a break to figure out what we really want.”

I couldn’t say a word. Four years gone, just like that.

The Breakup That Almost Broke Me

Two days later, Tunde asked if I could “give him space” for a while. That was code for “pack your things.”

The statement triggered a realisation that pushed my heartbreak to the background: I had absolutely nothing.

Nowhere to go, no property and no money.

I’d moved in with Tunde immediately after uni, and had essentially built my life around him. Everything I had was ours. He was the breadwinner, but I poured all my heart and soul into the relationship.

I thought we were “building together,” so I didn’t think twice about channelling whatever small money I made as a beginner makeup artist to what I believed was our home: taking care of food, buying fuel, and getting Tunde gifts. Sometimes, I even lent him money that I never got back.

I thought we were a team, so I never worried. I didn’t even have savings of my own because, why would I? Tunde handled everything I needed. I honestly didn’t think I lacked anything.

The breakup was a wake-up call.

I’m ashamed to say I begged Tunde a little. He cheated on me, but I was the one doing the pleading. I begged him to consider our love and let us work things out. When he didn’t budge, I asked him to give me adequate time to get a place to stay. He refused.

I cried for almost 24 hours straight.

I honestly thought my life was over. If not for my religion, I would’ve considered ending it all.

Tunde and I rarely had major fights. He’d cheated before, but swore never to do it again, and I trusted him. I didn’t check his phones or keep him from going out. He even spent whole weekends with his guys. So, his “control” allegations were very strange. It was like he just wanted an excuse to send me away.

In the end, I wiped my tears, packed three years of my life and makeup tools into three travel boxes, and moved into my friend Ronke’s one-room apartment.

On the day I left, I had just ₦15k in my bank account.

The Financial Reality Check

For the first time in a long time, I was broke.

The worst thing was that I couldn’t even call home for help. I had fought with my parents and sister over this same guy because they didn’t like his job and wanted me to leave him.

Even though we still kept in touch, I wasn’t as close to my family as I had been before, due to their constant complaints about Tunde.

I knew telling them about my situation would only lead to them mocking me. So, I decided to face my struggles on my own.

My only saving graces were Ronke and my handiwork. My world might have scattered, but at least I had a skill that could feed me and a place to lay my head.

So, I started rebuilding.

It was hard. I had initially told Ronke I’d squat with her for three months. My thinking was that I’d hustle for as many makeup jobs as possible, gather money and rent my own place. But it wasn’t as easy as I imagined.

Firstly, I didn’t have a shop. I’d only learnt makeup to have a skill, not because I wanted to make it a business. My dream business was to open a fashion store, which Tunde had promised to set up. So, up until I became homeless, my clients were the girlfriends of Tunde’s friends who knew what I did. They came to the house when they needed my services and sometimes gave me ₦5k or ₦10k as a thank you.

As a result, I didn’t have an actual customer base. I had to start afresh, opening a business page on social media and beginning to market my work. I didn’t get any clients for four months. It was even more difficult because I could only offer home services. I didn’t have a shop where people could walk in. Most of the time, I just did makeup for my friend so I could take videos and post them online.

Also, when I managed to find clients, I couldn’t just keep all the money. I had to contribute to the household’s expenses and support my friend, as she was essentially feeding me.

I ended up squatting with my friend for almost two years. I don’t know why I thought I could manage to stand alone in three months. Maybe living with Tunde and relying fully on him made me blind to the financial realities of surviving in Nigeria.

During those two years with Ronke, I was in a constant cycle of hustle, settling bills and trying to save money. Yes, that saving I didn’t do before? No one told me to take it seriously.

Ronke — God bless her for me — didn’t pressure or make me feel like an inconvenience, but I knew I had to actively plan my finances so I never had to be stranded again.

I learnt to follow a budget for the first time in my adult life. Whenever I got paid for a job, I divided the money into two: half to my savings account and half to my spending account. I didn’t even spend the half in my account on myself, I used it to settle bills at my friend’s house and buy tools to upgrade my business.

In 2023, I found a hairstylist who owned a salon around Ronke’s area and begged her to give me a small space in her shop for my clients. She agreed and let me pay her ₦5k weekly for the space. That’s how I got a walk-in “shop”.

Fortunately for me, the hairstylist’s clients started to patronise me too. I also began getting returning clients from social media.

By 2024, I’d saved ₦350k, and my sister borrowed me ₦100k extra so I could rent my own one-room apartment.

The apartment felt like I was taking my first deep breath in two years.

Starting Over from Scratch

Since I cleared my savings for rent, I had to live in that room with no furniture for the first six months. I didn’t even have a mattress. But I slept on the floor with pride and happiness.

It wasn’t the soft life I was used to. No AC or Netflix like in Tunde’s house, but this was my own place. No one could wake up one day and send me away.

Gradually, I began to turn the apartment into a home. I bought a mattress, plastic chairs and a few kitchen utensils. I started feeling proud of myself again. There were times when I missed the comfort of relying on Tunde, but I had to fight through.

Eventually, my peace of mind came back. I realised I used to treat love like a financial plan. I gave my stability to a man and called it a partnership.

Now, I was building something real by myself.

I still don’t have everything I need, but I’ve come a long way since 2022. I’m not rich, but I’m stable. I have ₦200k in savings and no debt. I already have my rent saved somewhere. I’m even planning to get my own shop soon.

Last month, Tunde texted me. Something about “catching up” and “missing what we had.”

I didn’t even open the chat. I archived it and went back to my life. God forbid I return to what almost took my life.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: I Was a House Girl in Egypt for Two Years. I Came Back With Nothing

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For Adeola*, 30, marriage has always been something to look forward to. She grew up watching her mum work as an alaga ijoko and alaga iduro, anchoring Yoruba weddings filled with music, laughter, and beaming couples. So even before she understood what love meant, she’d already decided that marriage was beautiful.

On this week’s Marriage Diaries, Adeola shares how her journey has been a lesson in love, patience, and what it means to grow with a partner.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

I’ve always looked forward to marriage

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t look forward to getting married.

Growing up, my mum was an alaga, and that meant weekends were for weddings. We attended so many ceremonies — vibrant, colourful, full of laughter and love. I’d watch brides walk in smiling, their joy so contagious it felt like magic. Seeing how happy everyone was made me fall in love with the idea of marriage before I even understood what it entailed.

As I grew older and started dating in university, I began to understand that weddings and marriages were distinct entities. The party ends, the guests leave, and what’s left is just you and your partner. Still, that didn’t stop me from believing in the beauty of marriage.

Even when I had terrible relationships, I didn’t lose hope. Up until my mum passed two years ago, I still followed her to weddings, still said a silent prayer at every ceremony that my own marriage would be just as joyful as those she anchored.

I can say for sure that my mum’s job made me believe marriage could truly be beautiful.

I didn’t know you could fall in love again after marriage

I met my husband in my final year at university, and I just knew he was the one. We connected so effortlessly that I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Before marriage, I already loved him deeply, and I didn’t think it was possible to love him any more than I already did.

Then childbirth happened.

My pregnancy was tough. I was in and out of the hospital for months, constantly exhausted and emotionally drained. And as if that wasn’t enough, my delivery was complicated; I was hospitalised for almost four months afterwards.

Those months showed me a side of my husband I didn’t know existed. He was there through it all, cleaning me up, changing my adult diapers, bathing me, feeding me, caring for our baby. He didn’t flinch or complain once.

I remember thinking, this man really meant every word of “in sickness and in health.” Watching him care for me like that made me fall in love all over again. It’s one thing to marry a loving partner, but it’s another thing entirely to see that love show up in your weakest moments.

I didn’t think my heart had space to love him more, but that experience showed me that love can grow deeper, even after marriage.

I always felt prepared for marriage

I don’t think I’ve ever had that moment of doubt, that “what have I gotten myself into?” feeling people talk about.

I’ve been preparing for marriage my whole life without even realising it. All those weddings I attended with my mum came with free life lessons. I’d hear her advise couples all the time: “Be patient,” “Respect each other,” “Don’t deprive your husband,” “Always support one another.”

So when it was finally my turn, I didn’t feel lost. I already had a sense of what to expect.

Of course, I didn’t agree with everything. For instance, I always found it problematic how sex was talked about like something a wife “gives” her husband. But having that background knowledge still helped me understand that marriage comes with sacrifices and patience.

So when I finally got married, nothing caught me off guard. I had already built a mental framework of what to expect. Maybe that’s why I adjusted quickly. I didn’t walk in blind.

Nobody warned me about how much I’d have to embrace my in-laws

If there’s one thing I didn’t see coming, it’s how present my husband’s family would be in our lives. Not in a bad way, but in an everywhere, every time kind of way.

They welcomed me so warmly that I felt pressured to always reciprocate the energy. Suddenly, there was always a family function to attend: a cousin’s wedding, an uncle’s burial, a niece’s birthday. They genuinely wanted me to be part of the family, but it was overwhelming at first.

I’m not naturally outgoing, and I like my space. So, when I tried to skip a few events, my husband got upset. He thought I was being distant or rejecting his family’s efforts to make me feel at home. But in truth, I just needed time to adjust. I barely knew half the people they were inviting me to celebrate with.

Over time, I realised their invitations weren’t about pressuring me. It was their way of making me part of the family. It took me a while to find balance, but I’ve learnt to compromise by showing up when I can, contributing money for aso ebi even if I can’t attend, and calling to check in occasionally. I still get tired sometimes, but I’ve realised that family — both nuclear and extended — is a big part of marriage in our culture.

Marriage has made me calmer and more positive

Before I got married, I used to overthink everything. I’d replay conversations in my head, stress about things I couldn’t control, and get anxious about the future.

My husband is the total opposite. He’s calm, optimistic, and somehow always believes everything will work out. That’s something I’ve learnt from him — not everything needs a reaction.

Some days, I wake up grateful for how much peace I’ve gained since being with him. Even when I’m frustrated or emotionally tired, I’ve learnt not to dwell on it too long. Life will always have moments of stress and confusion, but I try not to let them consume me anymore.

I’ve grown emotionally and mentally since marriage. The woman I was before couldn’t handle things as gracefully as I do now. And that’s all thanks to the stability my husband brings into my life.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

I’ll always be proud that I followed my heart

If I could go back in time, I’d tell my younger self to still follow her instincts.

When I met my husband, there were many reasons I could have hesitated. But something in me just knew he was the one. Every day since, I’ve been grateful for listening to that voice.

Love isn’t everything, but it’s the foundation that makes patience, forgiveness, and the will to stay kind even when you’re upset possible. Without love, it’s easy to start counting flaws and keeping score. With love, you remember why you chose the person in the first place.

Marriage has its hard days, no doubt. But even in those moments, I find comfort knowing I’m walking through life with someone who sees me, understands me, and reminds me to stay soft.

I used to think the wedding day was the most beautiful part of marriage, but now I know it’s the small, everyday acts of love that truly make it beautiful.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Adura* (27) and Faith* (28) were university acquaintances who reconnected at NYSC camp in 2022. What started as a friendship between two familiar faces in an unfamiliar place soon blossomed into a serious relationship.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from friends to lovers, building a life together in Ibadan, and navigating the one issue that’s threatening their future: Faith’s hygiene.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Faith: A class in uni, maybe. We went to the same university, but we weren’t close. I knew her face, but we never really interacted. She was always surrounded by her friends, and I had my own circle. Our paths just didn’t cross much.

Adura: I remember him, though. He was one of those guys who was always in the library or at the back of the class. Quiet, kept to himself. I never thought we’d end up being anything more a random person you run into at alumni events.

Faith: Fast forward to 2022, and there she was at NYSC camp orientation. I couldn’t believe it. When I saw her, I just walked up and said, “OAU, right?” She looked so relieved.

Adura: I was relieved. NYSC camp can be so isolating when you don’t know anyone. Running into a familiar face from uni felt like finding water in a desert. We immediately started talking, and it was like we’d been friends for years.

Must have been nice. What was camp like for you both?

Adura: Intense. The drills, the heat, the overcrowded hostels — it was a lot. But having Faith there made it bearable. We became each other’s support system. We did everything together —queued for food, sat together during the long and boring SAED lectures, and complained about the ridiculous rules.

He’d save me a spot during parade so I wouldn’t have to stand in the sun for too long. We just clicked. By the end of those three weeks, we were proper friends.

Faith: I think being thrown into that environment together accelerated our bond. When you’re both struggling with the same thing, you connect faster. We had shared stories from uni — lecturers we both loved or hated, campus politics, the cafeteria food, etc. It was comforting.

Did anything romantic happen during camp?

Adura: No, not at all. We were strictly friends. We were both too focused on surviving camp to even think about anything else.

Faith: Exactly. Plus, I wasn’t trying to complicate things. I liked her, but camp wasn’t the time or place for that.

Adura: Wait, you liked me then?

Faith: Of course. How could I not? But I kept it to myself.

Interesting. So what happened after camp?

Faith: We got posted to different LGAs, which was disappointing. But we stayed in touch.

Adura: We’d call each other almost every day, checking in on how our PPA experiences were going. Those calls became the highlight of my day. My PPA was chaotic — unpaid, unstructured, just a mess. But talking to Faith made everything feel lighter. He always had a way of making me laugh, even when I was stressed.

Faith: Same here. My posting wasn’t great either, so we just vented to each other. At some point, I mentioned I was thinking about relocating to Ibadan after service because there were more job opportunities there. It felt like faith when she said she was planning the same thing. We were both tired of where we were, and Ibadan made sense for both of us. So we decided to coordinate our relocation.

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How did that go?

Faith: Surprisingly smooth. By early 2023, we were both settled in Ibadan. I found a small self-contain apartment, and she also rented a place not far from mine.

Adura: We started spending a lot of time together. He’d come over after work, or I’d go to his place. We’d cook together, watch movies, or just hang out. I’d never had that kind of connection with anyone before. Faith just got me. But he didn’t make any serious move, so I wasn’t sure if he saw me as just a friend.

Right. So when did things shift to a romantic relationship?

Faith: One evening, we were at my place watching a movie. I can’t even remember what we were watching because I wasn’t paying attention. I just kept thinking about how much I enjoyed having her around, and how I didn’t want that to change.

I was nervous because I didn’t want to ruin what we had, but I also couldn’t keep pretending I didn’t have feelings for her. So I just said it out loud, “I like you, and I want to be more than friends.”

Adura: I was shocked, but in a good way. I’d been waiting for him to say something because I felt the same, but didn’t know how to bring it up.

Faith: She said yes immediately.

Adura: Why would I hesitate? You were already my best friend. It just made sense to take it further.

That’s sweet. So what was the early phase of dating like?

Adura: Beautiful. We were in that honeymoon phase where everything felt perfect. He was attentive, thoughtful, and always checked in on me. We’d plan little dates — nothing fancy, just things like going to the market together or trying new food spots in Ibadan.

Faith: I loved those moments. Just being with her made me happy. I didn’t need anything elaborate.

Adura: But there was something I started noticing early on.

What was that?

Adura: His hygiene. I first noticed it during NYSC camp, but I didn’t think much of it because, you know, it’s camp. We were all sweaty, living in cramped spaces, and couldn’t always keep up with personal care. I figured things would change once we left.

But they didn’t. When I started visiting his place in Ibadan, I’d walk in and the smell would hit me. Not just sweat — though he sweats a lot — but also like clothes that hadn’t been washed in days, or food left out too long. His room was always in disarray. Clothes hanging everywhere, dishes piled up, and his dreadlocks… they’d smell like they hadn’t been washed in weeks.

Faith: It’s not like I was living in filth. I just wasn’t as organised as she is.

Adura: It wasn’t just about organisation, Faith. It was about basic hygiene. You’d wear the same clothes multiple times without washing them. You’d leave wet towels on the bed. Your kitchen was always a mess.

Faith, were you aware of these things?

Faith: Not really, no. I guess what passes off as cleanliness for me isn’t the same for her. I’ve lived alone for so long that I got used to my own habits.

Growing up, my parents were always away for work, so I had to fend for myself from a young age. No one was there to teach me how to keep my space spotless or remind me to wash my hair every week. I just did what I could to survive.

And honestly, I think I’ve been trying. But it’s not as easy as flipping a switch. Some of these habits are deeply ingrained.

Adura: I understand that his upbringing was different, but we’re adults now. At some point, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

When did you first bring this up with him, and why wasn’t it an issue from the beginning of your friendship?

Adura: It wasn’t much of an issue when we were friends. The least I could do as a friend was comment here and there and keep it moving. But as a girlfriend? His lack of proper hygiene could also have an adverse effect on me. No way was I going to let things slide anymore.

A few months into the relationship, I started demanding changes. I tried to be gentle about it at first. I’d say things like, “Babe, maybe you should wash your hair more often,” or “Can we tidy up the room a bit?” I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Faith: And I appreciated that. I didn’t take offence. I started making an effort — cleaning up before she came over, washing my hair more frequently, buying air fresheners for the room.

Adura: But that’s the thing. He’d only clean up when he knew I was coming. The effort wasn’t consistent. And the sweating — he sweats so much, and he wouldn’t always change his clothes after. He’d just reapply deodorant over the sweat.

Faith: I can’t control how much I sweat. I’ve tried everything — antiperspirants, showering twice a day, wearing breathable fabrics. But nothing stops it completely.

Adura: I’m not saying you should stop sweating. I’m saying you should manage it better. Change your clothes more often. Don’t wear the same shirt two days in a row.

Faith: I do change my clothes. But I can’t afford to wash everything after one wear; that’s simply not practical.

It sounds like this has been an ongoing issue.

Adura: It has, which is exhausting. I’ve tried to be patient, but almost two years into this relationship, I’m starting to wonder if things will ever change. Yes, he’s made progress, but it’s not enough. I shouldn’t have to remind him to clean his room or wash his hair. These are things he should be doing on your own.

Faith: That’s actually not fair. I’ve been working on it. The problem is, Adura is never satisfied. Every time she comes over, there’s something new to complain about.

It makes me feel like I’m failing her. Like, no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough. I love her, and I want to make her happy, but I’m starting to feel like I’m constantly being judged.

Adura: I’m not judging you. I’m just trying to figure out if I can live with this long-term.

Faith: That scares me. Apart from this one issue, I think we’re great together. But it feels like this one thing is going to tear us apart.

Adura, do you think that’s a possibility?

Adura: I don’t know. I love him—I really do. He’s kind, generous, and incredibly supportive. He’s the type of person who’ll drop everything to help someone. And he’s so focused on his goals, which I admire. However, I can’t shake the feeling that if we can’t figure this out now, it will only get worse. I mean, what happens if we get married? If we have kids? Will I be the only one keeping the house clean? Will I have to nag him about basic hygiene for the rest of our lives? I don’t want to be his mum. I want to be his partner.

Faith: I don’t want her to feel like that. But I also need her to understand that change takes time. I’m not going to wake up one day and suddenly be the most organised, hygienically perfect person. I’m doing my best, and I need her to meet me halfway.

What does “meeting you halfway” look like to you, Faith?

Faith: It means acknowledging the effort I’m putting in. It means not making me feel like I’m constantly falling short. And it means being patient with me as I work on becoming better.

I’ve also started setting reminders on my phone —”Clean the kitchen,” “Wash your hair,” “Change your sheets.” It sounds ridiculous, but it helps. I also ask her to tell me if something bothers her instead of bottling it up.

Adura: I hear you, but patience has a limit.

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Do you think this issue has affected other parts of your relationship?

Adura: Honestly, yes. We try not to let it consume the relationship. When things are good, they’re really good. We still have fun together, we still laugh, we still support each other. However, the hygiene issue is always present, lurking in the background.

Sometimes I avoid going to his place because I don’t want to deal with the mess. And that means we spend less time together. I just need the environment to be comfortable. Is that too much to ask?

Faith: Well, that hurts to hear, but I get it.

I know I need to do better, and I’m committed to it. But I also need her to believe in me. If she’s already halfway out the door, then what’s the point?

Adura: I’m not halfway out the door. I just need to know that we’re moving in the right direction.

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Faith: She makes me want to be better. Before her, I was just coasting through life. But she challenges me to grow, to improve, to think about the kind of man I want to be. And even when we’re arguing about hygiene, I know it’s coming from a place of love.

She’s also hilarious. Like, she’ll say something so random, and I’ll just burst out laughing. She keeps me grounded.

Adura: He makes me feel safe. He’s the most dependable person I know. When I’m with him, I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not. He accepts me fully, flaws and all.

And he’s incredibly generous. Not just with money, but with his time and energy. If I need something, he’s there. No questions asked.

It sounds like there’s a lot of love between you two.

Adura: There is. That’s why this is so hard. If I didn’t love him, I would’ve walked away a long time ago.

Faith: And I love her enough to keep trying, even when it feels like she doesn’t see it.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Faith: A 7. We have something special, and I genuinely believe we can work through our issues.

Adura: I’d say 7 too. I love him, and I love what we have. Sometimes, I worry I might have to decide if I can accept him as he is or if this is a dealbreaker. And honestly? I don’t have the answer yet.

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Sometimes, you’re lying next to your person and realise you don’t actually know their thoughts on the best swallow, what they were like at 10, or whether they squeeze toothpaste from the middle or bottom (God, abeg!) That’s why you should be intentional about questions to ask your lover. You want to make sure there are no surprises jumping at you at any point in the relationship.

Whether you’ve been together for two months or two decades, these relationship questions to ask your lover will help you cultivate a deeper bond, laugh more, and connect in meaningful ways.

Simple Questions to Ask Your Lover

A Nigerian couple enjoying a moment together while exploring questions to ask your lover.

Sometimes the best conversations start with the simplest questions. These easy questions to ask your lover are perfect for lazy Sunday mornings, car rides, or when you just want to hear their voice without getting too deep. They’re the kind of questions that reveal personality in small, sweet ways.

What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?

If you could live anywhere in Nigeria for a year, where would you choose?

What’s one thing you’re really good at that most people don’t know about?

What song have you had on repeat lately?

If you had a completely free day with no responsibilities, what would you do?

What’s your favourite thing about where you grew up?

What’s something small that instantly improves your mood?

If you could only eat one Nigerian dish for the rest of your life, what would it be?

What’s your go-to comfort show or movie?

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

Do you prefer sunrise or sunset? Why?

What smell instantly takes you back to a specific memory?

If you could master any skill instantly, what would you pick?

What’s your ideal way to spend a Friday night?

What’s one food everyone loves that you can’t stand?

Are you a morning person or a night owl?

What’s the last thing that made you laugh really hard?

If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?

What’s your favourite way to waste time?

What’s one thing you own that you’ll never get rid of?

If you could change one thing about your daily routine, what would it be?

ALSO READ: 100+ Heartfelt Long Good Morning Messages for Her

Romantic Questions to Ask Your Lover

A Nigerian couple in their bedroom exploring questions to ask your lover.

When you want to create those soft, intimate moments that make your heart feel full, these romantic questions to ask your lover set the perfect mood. They’re designed to remind you both why you chose each other and why you keep choosing each other every day.

What’s your favourite memory of us so far?

When did you first realise you had feelings for me?

What’s one thing I do that makes you feel most loved?

If you could relive one day we’ve spent together, which would it be?

What do you love most about our relationship?

How do you picture us 10 years from now?

What’s something about me that you find beautiful that I might not even notice?

What song reminds you of me or us?

What’s your favourite thing about coming home to me?

When do you feel most connected to me?

What was going through your mind the first time we kissed?

What’s one moment when you knew I was the one?

How do I make your life better?

What’s your favourite way for us to spend time together?

What do you think our love language is as a couple?

What’s something I said or did early in our relationship that made you fall harder?

If you could describe our love in three words, what would they be?

What’s your favourite physical feature of mine?

What dream do you have for us that you haven’t told me yet?

How do you want me to love you when you’re having a hard day?

What’s one small gesture I do that means more to you than I probably realise?

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Funny Questions to Ask Your Lover

A Nigerian couple in their living exploring questions to ask your lover.

Remember how she fell in love with you because you made her laugh a lot? Exactly. There’s no reason to stop making her smile when you become a couple. These funny questions to ask your lover are perfect for when you need to lighten the mood, make each other laugh, or just remind yourselves that you’re with someone who gets your sense of humour.

If you were arrested, what would your family assume you’d done?

What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever Googled?

If you could only communicate using song lyrics for a day, which artist would you choose?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten and actually enjoyed?

If our relationship were a Nollywood movie, what would it be called?

What’s your most irrational fear?

If you had to delete all but three apps from your phone, which would you keep?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever bought online?

If you could fight any historical figure, who would you pick and why?

What’s your most useless talent?

If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?

What’s the worst haircut you’ve ever had?

If you could make one thing illegal, what would it be?

What’s your go-to dance move when no one’s watching?

If you were a spice, which one would you be and why?

What’s the most embarrassing thing in your search history right now?

If we got a pet together, what’s the worst name you’d seriously suggest?

What’s your most unpopular opinion about food?

If you could have any celebrity play you in a movie about your life, who would it be?

What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done?

If you could switch lives with me for a day, what would be the first thing you’d do?

ALSO READ: 150+ Romantic Good Night Messages For The One You Love

Flirty Questions to Ask Your Lover

A Nigerian couple enjoying a quiet evening together while exploring questions to ask your lover.

Want to turn up the heat and remind your lover why they can’t keep their hands off you? These flirty questions to ask your lover bring that playful, charged energy that keeps the spark alive. Perfect for date nights, late-night conversations, or when you just want to make them blush.

What’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever worn?

What’s your favourite thing about my body?

Where do you want me to kiss you right now?

What’s one thing I do that drives you crazy in the best way?

What’s your favourite thing about our physical chemistry?

If you could undress me with your eyes, where would you start?

What’s the most attractive thing I do without even trying?

What’s one fantasy you’ve had about us that you haven’t told me yet?

How would you describe our first kiss to someone?

What outfit of mine do you secretly hope I’ll wear again?

What’s your favourite place on my body to touch?

When do you find me most irresistible?

What’s one thing you’ve wanted to try with me but haven’t mentioned?

What comes to mind when you see me getting dressed?

What’s the most romantic place you’d want to kiss me?

What’s something I could whisper in your ear right now that would make you melt?

If we had the house to ourselves all day, what would you want to do?

What’s your favourite way I show you affection?

How do I make you feel when I look at you a certain way?

What’s the boldest move you’ve ever made on me?

If you could recreate one intimate moment we’ve shared, which would it be?

ALSO READ: 150+ Sweet Names To Call Your Boyfriend That’ll Make Him Smile

Deep Questions to Ask Your Lover

When you’re ready to go beyond surface-level conversation and really understand what makes your person tick, these deep questions for your lover open up meaningful dialogue. They’re for those nights when you want to connect soul-to-soul, not just small talk.

What’s something you’ve never told anyone but feel safe sharing with me?

What’s your biggest fear about our relationship?

What’s one thing from your past you’re still healing from?

How has your definition of love changed since we got together?

What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever learned?

What do you think your purpose in life is?

What’s something you wish you could change about yourself?

How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?

What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made for someone?

What does vulnerability mean to you?

When do you feel most like yourself?

What’s one belief you have that most people don’t understand?

How has your childhood shaped the person you are today?

What’s something you’re afraid to admit you want?

What does a meaningful life look like to you?

What’s your relationship with forgiveness—giving it and receiving it?

What’s one thing you need from me that you’ve been too afraid to ask for?

How do you handle pain or disappointment when it feels overwhelming?

What’s something you used to believe about love that you no longer think is true?

What part of yourself are you still trying to accept?

What do you think we’re meant to teach each other in this relationship?

ALSO READ: 150+ Pick Up Lines for Girls That’ll Make Her Blush

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Your Relationship

A young Nigerian couple on their balcony exploring questions to ask your lover.

Sometimes you need to check in on where you both stand and how you’re growing together. These questions to ask your lover about your relationship help you stay aligned, address issues before they become problems, and celebrate what’s working.

What’s one thing I could do differently that would make you feel more loved?

Are there any unspoken expectations you have of me that we should talk about?

What’s the biggest challenge you think we’ve overcome as a couple?

How do you feel about how we handle disagreements?

Is there anything you wish we did more of together?

What’s one way our relationship has changed you for the better?

Do you feel like I really listen to you when you talk?

What’s something we used to do that you miss?

How can I better support you when you’re stressed or overwhelmed?

Is there anything you’ve been holding back from telling me?

What do you think is our biggest strength as a couple?

How do you feel about the balance of giving and receiving in our relationship?

Are you happy with how much quality time we spend together?

What’s one thing you appreciate about how I love you?

Is there anything about our relationship that scares you?

How do you feel about how we split responsibilities?

What’s one boundary we should establish or revisit?

Do you feel like we’re growing together or growing apart?

What’s something you need more of from me emotionally?

How can we keep our relationship feeling fresh and exciting?

What do you think we should work on as a couple?

ALSO READ: 150+ Love and Trust Messages for the One You Love

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Their Childhood

Understanding where your lover came from helps you understand who they are today. These questions to ask your lover about their childhood reveal formative experiences, family dynamics, and the moments that shaped them into the person you love.

What’s your earliest memory of your childhood?

What was your relationship with your parents like growing up?

Did you have a favourite hiding spot as a kid?

What’s one rule from your childhood home that you’ll never follow as an adult?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Who was your best friend in primary school and what happened to them?

What’s one thing your parents did that you’re grateful for now but hated then?

What was your favourite game to play as a child?

Were you closer to your mom or dad growing up? Why?

What’s something you got in trouble for a lot as a kid?

Did you have any nicknames? How did you get them?

What’s a family tradition from your childhood that you want to continue?

What was your favourite subject in school?

What’s one way your childhood home felt different from your friends’ homes?

Were you a shy kid or outgoing?

What’s the best gift you ever received as a child?

Did you have any fears as a kid that seem silly now?

What did a typical weekend look like in your house growing up?

What’s one thing your younger self would be surprised to learn about you now?

Who was the adult you looked up to most as a child outside of your parents?

What’s a childhood experience that you think shaped your personality the most?

ALSO READ: 250+ Deep, Romantic Love Messages That Will Melt Her Heart

Thoughtful Questions to Ask Your Lover About the Future

Talking about the future helps you see if you’re on the same page about where life is headed. These questions for your lover about the future aren’t about pressure; they’re about dreaming together, planning together, and making sure you’re building toward something you both want.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Do you want kids? If yes, how many?

What’s one thing you absolutely want to accomplish before you die?

How important is marriage to you?

Would you ever want to live outside Nigeria? Where?

What does your ideal life look like 10 years from now?

What kind of parent do you think you’d be?

How do you picture us growing old together?

What’s one experience you want us to have together in the next year?

How do you feel about pets? Would you want one?

What’s more important to you: career success or work-life balance?

How involved do you want your family to be in our future life decisions?

What’s one dream you have that you’re actively working toward?

Do you see us living in the city or somewhere quieter eventually?

How do you want to celebrate milestones together?

What’s one thing you hope never changes about us?

What values do you want to instill in our future (kids, home, life together)?

How do you feel about joint finances vs. keeping things separate?

What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

What traditions do you want to create with me?

What’s one fear you have about our future together?

ALSO READ: 150+ Heartfelt Prayers for Your Boyfriend

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Intimacy

Intimacy isn’t about putting each other in different positions in the bedroom; it’s an emotional, mental, and spiritual connection, too. Whether you’re old-time lovers or lovers looking to make things official, there are important questions to ask your lover about intimacy that’ll help you understand their needs, desires, and boundaries so you can love them better in every way.

What makes you feel most emotionally intimate with me?

Is there anything about our physical relationship you’d like to explore more?

How do you feel about our sex life right now?

What’s one thing that makes you feel desired by me?

Do you feel comfortable telling me what you want in bed?

What does emotional safety look like for you in our relationship?

Is there a specific way you need me to initiate intimacy?

What’s something that turns you on that I might not know about?

How do you want me to respond when you’re feeling vulnerable?

What’s one boundary we should talk about when it comes to intimacy?

Do you feel like we balance physical and emotional intimacy well?

What’s your favourite way for us to be close that doesn’t involve sex?

How can I make you feel more comfortable opening up to me?

Is there anything about sex or intimacy that you’re curious about?

What’s one thing I do during intimate moments that you love?

How do you feel about trying new things together physically?

Do you think we communicate well about our needs in the bedroom?

What does aftercare look like for you—what do you need after we’re intimate?

How can I better support you when you’re not in the mood for physical intimacy?

What role does physical touch play in how you feel loved?

Is there anything you’ve been nervous to bring up about our intimate life?

ALSO READ: 200+ Romantic Birthday Wishes For Your Girlfriend To Make Her Feel Loved

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Their Dreams

A Nigerian couple enjoying a moment together on their balcony while exploring questions to ask your lover.

Everyone has dreams, places they want to visit, a career they wish to follow or even a wild idea that tugs at their heart every night. Your romantic partner isn’t any different. Asking your lover about their dreams helps you understand what lights them up, what they’re reaching for, and how you can support them in becoming who they want to be.

What’s one dream you have that you’ve never told anyone?

If money weren’t an issue, what would you do with your life?

What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn?

If you could switch careers tomorrow, what would you do?

What’s one place you dream of visiting and why?

What does success look like to you?

Is there a version of yourself you’re working toward? What does that person look like?

What’s one goal you have that scares you a little?

If you could master any art form, what would it be?

What’s something you wish you’d started earlier in life?

What impact do you want to have on the world?

Is there a business or project you’ve always wanted to start?

What would your dream home look like?

If you wrote a book, what would it be about?

What’s one thing on your bucket list that you’re determined to do?

Who do you want to become in the next five years?

What’s a skill you’d love to have but haven’t pursued yet?

If you could wake up tomorrow with one talent, what would it be?

What’s a cause or movement you wish you could contribute more to?

What does your dream day look like from start to finish?

How can I support you in achieving your dreams?

ALSO READ: 200+ Romantic Good Evening Messages For The One You Love

Perfect Questions to Ask Your Lover During a Fight

Fighting is inevitable in relationships, but how you handle it makes all the difference. Knowing the right questions to ask your lover in those heated moments can turn conflict into a chance for deeper understanding.

Can you help me understand what you’re actually upset about?

What do you need from me right now?

Are we really fighting about this, or is something else bothering you?

How can we solve this together instead of against each other?

What am I doing that’s making this worse?

Do you need space right now, or do you want to keep talking?

What would a resolution look like for you?

Is there something I said that hurt you that I’m not aware of?

Can we take a break and come back to this when we’re calmer?

What are you afraid will happen if we don’t resolve this?

Am I making you feel heard right now?

What’s the real issue underneath this argument?

How can I show you I’m taking your feelings seriously?

Is this about what just happened or something from before?

What do you wish I understood about your perspective?

Can we agree on one thing right now before we continue?

What would help you feel less defensive?

Are we both trying to win, or are we trying to understand each other?

What do you need me to acknowledge before we move forward?

How do you want me to handle situations like this in the future?

Can we remember that we’re on the same team?

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Sometimes, it’s not the big betrayals but the small, cringe-inducing moments that quietly kill attraction. After getting these Nigerian women to open up about their icks, we asked Nigerian men to share their own experiences. They opened up about the random, hilarious, and sometimes shocking moments their partners put them off.

**“She’s too fake” — Alex*, 29**

In Alex’s* case, he didn’t expect his partner to be more committed to her online image than their actual relationship

“My last relationship didn’t even last six months before I ended it; she felt fake, and that really bothered me. She talked badly about her friends to me, shared their secrets, and judged them for the same things she did. Then she acted all sweet with them online, and that really threw me off.

She was also obsessed with cameras; every private moment ended up on the internet. It got so bad that I started feeling anxious around phones. She didn’t even have that many followers, but she acted like an influencer and constantly pressured me to play along.

The final straw came during one of her visits. My flatmate was setting up a birthday surprise for his girlfriend with balloons, a money bouquet, and flowers. She saw it and said it looked pretty. Later, I found out she had snapped it and sent it to her friends with the caption, “See what my baby did for me today.” She forgot to remove me from the list.

I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t even say anything. That was when I realised how far she’d go to keep up appearances. I knew I was done.”

**“She was obsessed with astrology” — Tobi*, 28**

Tobi* assumed his girlfriend’s interest in cosmology was harmless until it became the constant reference point in their issues.

“Before we started dating, my girlfriend suddenly became really interested in star signs. In hindsight, that should’ve been my first red flag. I didn’t realise how obsessed she was until it started affecting our relationship.

Soon, every argument and decision came down to astrology. She’d say things like, ‘I’m emotional because I’m a Cancer,’ even when she acted controlling and bossy. She wanted to know my every move, but freely went out with her friends. She used astrology to justify her bad behaviour. During fights, she never took accountability and blamed her Aries sign for her actions.

The day she told me again that we weren’t compatible because of our signs, I lost it. I reminded her she’s Oluwatosin from a Yoruba Christian home, not some moon goddess. That was when I checked out.”

**“She danced legwork in the club” — Charles*, 32**

What started out as a fun night for Charles* ended with a public performance which left him with a lifetime supply of embarrassment.

“In 2024, I started seeing this girl casually and already suspected she couldn’t handle her liquor. The night we went clubbing confirmed it.

She drank from random people’s cups and even walked up to strangers asking to taste their drinks. I found it rude and reckless. Then she got so drunk that when I tried to take her home, she refused and caused a scene.

As people began to stare, I stepped back before anyone thought I was forcing her. Next thing I saw, she jumped into the middle of the dance floor, doing legwork and wild, trenches-style dances with strangers. I’d never been so icked out in my life. At some point, she took off her heels, lifted her gown slightly, and kept dancing. That image still haunts me.

When I finally got her home, I couldn’t stop replaying everything in my head. That’s when I decided I couldn’t take the relationship any further.”

**“She’s uncomfortable in her own skin” — Fawaz*, 36**

For Fawaz*, dating someone who always looked like she was set for a beauty pageant quickly became exhausting.

“The girl I’m seeing can’t step out without a full face of makeup. It’s not just for special occasions; even when we’re just hanging out casually, she’d show up looking like she’s headed to a wedding.

At first, I assumed it was because I’d never spent the night at her place. But even when she stayed home, she’d still have on light makeup. The strangest part was how she kept makeup on during sex. I didn’t see her barefaced until one random day, and she looked so different that it completely threw me off.

It‘s started to feel like she’s uncomfortable in her own skin. Over time, it’s become a real issue, especially when we go on casual dates and people stare because she’s overdressed and overdone.”

**“She acted like being ‘one of the boys’ was an achievement” — Emeka* 24**

Through the constant need for male validation, Emeka’s ex icked him out of their relationship.

“We met shortly before the COVID pandemic, and through long calls and late-night chats, I fell for her. When the lockdown eased and we finally started spending time together, I began to notice things that gave me serious icks.

First, she called everyone “baby.” It didn’t matter if it was a guy or girl. I found it strange because I was her boyfriend — shouldn’t that nickname be reserved for me? When I brought it up, she brushed it off, saying I was too fixated on trivial things.

She also bragged about not keeping female friends because ‘women are somehow.’ She acted like being ‘one of the boys’ was an achievement. I ignored it until I saw her hanging out with her male friends one day.

Her actions made me physically cringe — she tried too hard, laughed too loudly, forced herself into conversations that didn’t concern her. The guys looked bored, but she just kept going like a ‘pick me’. Watching her that day made me cringe so much; all I could think about was how embarrassing it looked from the outside.

I mentally checked out of the relationship that day. I didn’t end things immediately, but I knew it was only a matter of time.”

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The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

How long have you been with your partner?

My boyfriend, Josh, and I have been together for about eight years, since 2017.

We’d known each other since 100 level — we were in the same department — but didn’t get close until our second year. We started hanging out together because of mutual friends.

Then we started hanging out alone and talking every day. We got along really well, and the move from classmates to partners was almost inevitable.

How were your finances then?

We both mainly depended on our parents for pocket money. Josh got more money from home — he is from a well-to-do family, and his monthly allowance was ₦50k/month. This was 2017 o.

Besides the pocket money from his parents, he often billed his elder siblings, too. So, there was money, and both of us ate it. Those days, we were always going on dates, visiting eateries and sometimes travelling out of town for short staycations.

Balling students

See ehn, we were both irresponsible. If only we’d seen into the future and realised what Tinubu’s era would be like, maybe we would have saved every kobo. But we were young and had more money than we knew what to do with, so we spent it as it came.

Even after we graduated in 2019 and served in different states for the NYSC, Josh spent up to ₦35k on transportation alone to visit me every week. He’d also pay for food and whatever dates we went on. Then there were the random ₦10ks he sent me from time to time. Thinking about it now, he actually spent a lot. He’s sort of calmed down these days.

He doesn’t spend as much anymore?

Yeah. I think it’s that we’ve both grown up, and adulting is forcing us to make better financial decisions. We can’t go on staycations every time or spend money like we used to because there are more expenses, and we’re essentially responsible for each other.

For instance, we decided to move in together in 2023, mostly for financial reasons. I was almost always at his place anyway, so it didn’t make sense to pay rent when I was hardly at home. My parents don’t know we live together, sha; they’re pretty old-school, so it’s best to keep them believing I live with a female friend.

What are the dynamics of cohabiting like for you, especially financially?

I used to believe Josh handles the majority of the bills, as he pays the ₦1.2m rent and utility bills, while I handle the food. However, I reviewed our feeding expenses a few months ago and realised I might be contributing more.

I spend at least ₦85k on foodstuff monthly and still buy other things like cleaning supplies and decor pieces when I go to the market. So, it’s almost like we’re doing 50-50. I complained about this and got him to reluctantly commit to giving me a monthly food allowance. That was three months ago, and he’s only given me ₦60k to support the food expenses once. Even that was after I’d reminded him about it multiple times.

I’ve told myself I won’t nag about it anymore. I naturally don’t like to feel like I’m begging someone for money. These days, I simply do what I can with food. When I don’t have money, I don’t cook. Sometimes he cooks instead, other times, he orders food.

Besides the food palava, cohabiting is pretty great. What’s not to like about waking up to your favourite person? I think people judge the idea of living with your partner harshly. We all visit our significant others and spend time together over the weekends. Am I doing something significantly worse by making it a daily arrangement? Everyone should just do what works for them.

Right. What kind of money conversations do you have with your partner?

We talk about everything from shared bills to our incomes and spending habits. We’ve grown together, so we’ve been open about how we make money from the start.

Josh’s growth is even more glaring. While I still like to spend money and reward myself with little gifts for surviving adulting, he’s now the “save for the rainy day” preacher. I mean, I understand that, but we should live life once in a while.

One disadvantage of his new approach to spending is that we hardly go on dates except on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Or maybe it’s because he’s too used to “us”, but I feel he doesn’t put as much effort into “dating” me as he did before. Typically, we now spend most of our time together at home. He’s no longer the Josh who used to plan dates and surprise me with gifts and money.

Now we’re like an old married couple. And the reason I don’t think it’s only because of money is that his income isn’t poor. ₦800k/month isn’t bad. I know there are expenses and the need to save for a wedding (we plan to marry in 2027), but he’s not broke. It’s the intentionality that has taken a back seat.

Hmm. Does he know you have these concerns?

He does, and he thinks it’s normal for a long-term relationship to have this dynamic. On one hand, I get his point. We’ve been together for so long, and that initial excitement can’t always be there. Still, it’s a bit worrying because we aren’t even married yet. If you’re already tired of doing new things, what will happen when we’re a married couple?

On my end, I’m trying little things to keep the spark alive. I write him love notes and get him gifts. The last gift I got him was an ₦85k bottle of perfume. When I do things like that, he reciprocates by getting me something or sending me money. But I don’t want it to feel like he only remembered to put in the effort because I did. He should just think about me and do it like he used to. Maybe I’m expecting too much and just need to calm down.

You mentioned saving for a wedding. How’s that going?

It’s mostly Josh saving for it since he’ll handle the bulk of the expenses, but I send small ₦10k there once in a while. He saves ₦100k monthly and any extra bonus he gets from work. We don’t have a working budget yet as it’s still over a year away, but we’re looking at raising at least ₦10m.

How about after the wedding? Have you both discussed how you intend to handle the home’s expenses?

Not exactly. I think we’re working under the assumption that we’ll continue with the arrangement we already have: Josh handling the big bills while I provide support.

In fact, thank you very much for this question. We need to sit down to clearly outline how expenses will work. I don’t want to fall into the trap of completely handling the food expenses when we get married.

Do you both have any safety nets besides the wedding fund?

Hmm. I don’t o. But I think Josh does. He saves around ₦50k monthly, but I’m not sure how much that has amounted to.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

We really want to japa and we’re hoping it either happens just before we get married or before we have a child. I don’t even want to think about how much we’ll need to facilitate that. We’ll find a way when the time comes.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: We Want to Get Married, but His Unstable Income Is a Problem

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“I can’t imagine my life without controlling parents” – Tomiwa*, 22, M

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“They paint my independence as rebellion, but it’s not true” – Demi*, 22, F

“My mum refuses to treat me like an adult” — Mide*, 22, F

“I just got my independence and now, I know it’s something that must be fought for” — Augustus*, 31, M

“At night, I hide my phone from my parents” — Timileyin*, 28, F

“Before marriage, we did everything but sex” — Grace*, 35

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“My libido has dropped, but my husband’s hasn’t” — Debby*, 29

“If my husband doesn’t initiate, I can go months without sex” — Banke*, 40

“I didn’t enjoy sex until after my first year of marriage” — Derinsola*, 38

“Our sex life slowed down after my husband started medication” — Sade*, 33

What was the moment you realised that your friendship with Aanu was over?

That’s wild. Tell me how you and Aanu met.

How would you describe those early years of your friendship?

What changed?

How did this make you feel?

Tell me about that.

That’s great. What was the issue?

What did she say?

Ah. What happened after that?

How did the talk go?

Omo, that’s crazy.

How did you respond?

How did you handle the end of your friendship with someone who was like a sister?

Did she ever try to reach out to you since then?

Fair enough. Do you know if she and her boyfriend stayed together?

Do you think you can reconcile and rekindle your friendship with her?

“Motherhood has taken so much from me, but he’s unaffected” — Omotola, 43

“She doesn’t know what it’s like to worry about money” — Nathan* 32

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“I made her lose a job that would’ve paid her millions” — Lawal*, 41

“He takes his parents for granted” — Uju*, 28

“I felt inferior next to her” — Fiaza*, 30

As Told To Boluwatife

The Breakup That Almost Broke Me

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The Financial Reality Check

Starting Over from Scratch

I’ve always looked forward to marriage

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I didn’t know you could fall in love again after marriage

I always felt prepared for marriage

Nobody warned me about how much I’d have to embrace my in-laws

Marriage has made me calmer and more positive

I’ll always be proud that I followed my heart

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

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Must have been nice. What was camp like for you both?

Did anything romantic happen during camp?

Interesting. So what happened after camp?

How did that go?

Right. So when did things shift to a romantic relationship?

That’s sweet. So what was the early phase of dating like?

What was that?

Faith, were you aware of these things?

When did you first bring this up with him, and why wasn’t it an issue from the beginning of your friendship?

It sounds like this has been an ongoing issue.

Adura, do you think that’s a possibility?

What does “meeting you halfway” look like to you, Faith?

Do you think this issue has affected other parts of your relationship?

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

It sounds like there’s a lot of love between you two.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Table of contents

Simple Questions to Ask Your Lover

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Romantic Questions to Ask Your Lover

Funny Questions to Ask Your Lover

Flirty Questions to Ask Your Lover

Deep Questions to Ask Your Lover

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Your Relationship

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Their Childhood

Thoughtful Questions to Ask Your Lover About the Future

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Intimacy

Questions to Ask Your Lover About Their Dreams

Perfect Questions to Ask Your Lover During a Fight

“She’s too fake” — Alex*, 29

“She was obsessed with astrology” — Tobi*, 28

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**“She’s too fake” — Alex*, 29**

**“She was obsessed with astrology” — Tobi*, 28**

**“She danced legwork in the club” — Charles*, 32**

**“She’s uncomfortable in her own skin” — Fawaz*, 36**

**“She acted like being ‘one of the boys’ was an achievement” — Emeka* 24**