Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Jamal: It was when my dad asked me to help Charles unload their car when his family moved into the neighbourhood. This was in 2006.
I didn’t have a lot of kids my age in the area, so I’d been anticipating their arrival since my dad told me we had a new neighbour with a son my age. Charles didn’t say much that day; he just stood beside us as we carried boxes into their house.
Charles: I remember that day. I was relieved to see someone my age because I’d thrown a tantrum when my parents announced our move. I didn’t like leaving my friends behind and moving to a strange, new place. But Jamal looked so cool that day; he had this blue Spiderman shirt I’d always wanted. There was also the fact that he got along with my parents, and it signalled to me that they would approve of our friendship. However, I thought he was doing too much when he carried stuff into our house.
Jamal: I was only doing what my dad asked, but going inside your house was a bit nosy.
Seeing that you became instant pals, what was your friendship like as kids?
Charles: We were inseparable. I was home for about three months because my parents wanted me to enroll in a government school, and the process took forever. I was home and bored, but thankfully, they didn’t mind me going to Jamal’s house when he returned from school.
Jamal: He was always around. He’d follow me to play football, hang out with friends, or just loiter in front of my house.
Charles: I kind of idolised Jamal. He was outspoken, knew the adults in the neighbourhood, and had this confidence I admired. Being his friend made me feel included and seen, which was everything for a quiet kid like me. Those were some of my happiest childhood moments.
Jamal: But something happened a year later that changed our relationship.
Charles: Yeah, I still remember that.
Please tell me more
Jamal: Charles had finally enrolled in my school because his parents worried he was wasting too much time at home. We went to school separately in the mornings but returned home together. Then we’d hang out at my place or his until our parents returned from work.
One day, we were hanging out at my house after school. We’d just pulled off our uniforms to change into play clothes, and we decided to wrestle while we were down to our pants. I’m not sure who pulled whose pants first, but we got butt-naked and continued grinding against each other.
Charles: In the middle of that, I got an erection. Jamal found it funny and was playfully touching my penis when his dad walked in on us. I’ll never forget the pure rage on his face. He started shouting, calling us names we didn’t understand and gave us a good beating before we dressed up and he sent me back home.
Jamal: He reported me to my mum and older siblings and they also started their round of admonishment. My mum tried to dismiss it as boys being boys, but my dad wasn’t having it. Since she didn’t want to offend him, she joined in speaking against it and warned me not to go to Charles’ place again.
Was it that serious?
Jamal: My parents are Muslims. Even though they’re not overly spiritual, they have strong morals and values. My dad saw the situation as two boys engaging in something sexual, so he didn’t take it lightly.
Charles: I mean, I felt some excitement when we were grinding against each other, which led to my erection. Other than that, I didn’t think much of it.
Jamal: It was the first time I’d see another person’s erect penis, and it was just funny to me. But my dad’s reaction made me realise that what we’d done was something society considered wrong. I was scared to even think about it after that.
I see. What happened after that day?
Jamal: Everything changed. My dad banned us from seeing each other and made it clear to Charles’ parents that I wasn’t welcome in their house anymore. Then a few months later, my family moved, so we didn’t even get to process what happened.
Charles: I didn’t get a lot of tongue-lashing. My parents tried to talk to Jamal’s dad, but after they noticed his parents were keeping him away, they warned me to stay in our house.
We still played together in school, but we started to go home separately. One day, I didn’t see him in school or at home, and that was how I learned they’d moved.
Do you think your parents move because of this incident, Jamal?
Jamal: I don’t think so. My dad always wanted a bigger space and had been eyeing the Island for years. But looking back, the incident might have sped things up.
Right. So, when did you two reconnect?
Charles: We didn’t see each other again until 2021, at university. I’d tried to find Jamal on social media, but he was nowhere. It was like he’d disappeared.
Jamal: I wasn’t on social media. I didn’t even have a phone with internet access until I got into university. My dad was strict and didn’t believe in giving kids fancy gadgets.
Charles: I’d just gained admission when I randomly bumped into Jamal at the campus café. At first, I wasn’t sure it was him—it had been over a decade. But he walked up to me, and it was him.
Jamal: I couldn’t believe it either. We were kids the last time I saw Charles. But here he was, all grown up, with a beard and muscles. He also spoke in a posh way, and I I thought, “Did this guy travel abroad?”
We spent the rest of the day catching up, and it felt like no time had passed. I learned he’d just gained admission and was still in the middle of registration. I also offered to let him stay with me until he sorted out his accommodation.
Charles: I was so relieved. It was like God answered my prayers. I remember I’d been caving under the stress of registration and looking for an apartment. I was staying with an unwelcoming cousin, so when Jamal said I could stay with him, I jumped at the offer. It was only supposed to be for a week or two, but it’s been years.
But wait. How easy was it to rebuild your friendship after all those years apart?
Charles: It was surprisingly easy. Jamal helping me settle into school and offering me a place to stay played a considerable role. Apart from my cousin, he was the only familiar face on campus.
Jamal: Being around Charles again felt natural. I admit I’d made assumptions because of how he spoke, but after a few weeks together, I knew he wasn’t trying to pretend. I later found out he was studying Mass Communication, so it made sense. Outside of that he was my good friend from years ago.
Did you both talk about the event from your childhood?
Charles: It came up naturally during one of our late-night conversations. I was curious to know if Jamal had thought about it over the years, especially since it was such a defining moment for me.
Jamal: At first, it wasn’t easy to talk about. That day was one of the most traumatic experiences of my childhood, but it was also a moment of discovery.
Discovery?
Jamal: It made me realise I was different, even if I didn’t have the words for it back then. I knew I felt something for Charles beyond friendship, but my dad’s reaction made me bury those feelings. I spent years convincing myself I wasn’t gay, but I began to understand my sexuality better in secondary school.
Charles: For me, it was similar but less about repression. I’d always felt a pull toward boys, even as a kid. I didn’t feel ashamed until the adults got involved. Their reactions made it seem like something was wrong with me.
Jamal: When we finally talked about it, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I told Charles how scared I was after my dad walked in, but I also admitted that I’d thought about him often over the years.
Charles: I told him the same. I never forgot about him. Talking about it helped us process what happened and brought us closer.
When did things shift from friendship to romance?
Jamal: It happened slowly. Reconnecting with Charles brought back a lot of feelings I’d buried for years. I’d spent so long convincing myself I wasn’t attracted to men due to how I was raised, but being around him again made me realise I was still drawn to him. I admitted these feelings to myself but not to him. Honestly, I don’t know why.
Charles: The attraction was always there. Even before we reconnected, I knew what I wanted and who I was. During the years we weren’t in touch, I embraced my sexuality fully. I dated, met people on dating apps, and lived my truth in ways Jamal hadn’t.
Jamal, when did you start embracing your sexuality?
Jamal: It was after Charles and I started spending more time together. Seeing how confident he was made me question why I’d been hiding for so long.
I grew up in a very religious household, and the shame was deeply ingrained. But Charles was patient with me. He never pushed; he just made it clear that I was safe with him.
Charles: Honest conversations about our experiences during our time apart helped. I shared my journey—how I’d come out to myself, experimented, and learned to love who I was. Jamal opened up about how he’d suppressed his feelings, and it broke my heart to hear his struggles.
Jamal: These conversations ultimately led to a pivotal moment. One night, we were laying in bed, talking about our childhood, and I reached out to hold his hand. It wasn’t even sexual at first, but before I knew it, we kissed. It wasn’t planned, but it felt so natural, like something that had been waiting to happen for years.
Charles: It was an intimate moment. It was like all the walls Jamal had built were starting to come down.
I understand
Charles: We didn’t define anything right away, but everything changed after that night. We started holding hands privately, stealing kisses, and becoming more open about our feelings.
Jamal: It was an adjustment for me. I’d never been with a man before, so there was a lot to process emotionally. But Charles was patient. It also helped that we didn’t put a tag on our relationship. We were just a safe space for each other, and I trusted him completely.
At what point did you define your relationship?
Jamal: There wasn’t a formal “asking out” moment; it just happened naturally. One day, I realised Charles wasn’t just my best friend—he was my partner.
Charles: We both knew without saying it.
Jamal, do your parents know about Charles?
Jamal: Yes, they do. My dad has always been very observant of the people I bring home. At first, he seemed fine with Charles. He was polite, asked about his family, and occasionally joked around when they first met.
That’s surprising, considering the history
Jamal: He didn’t realise Charles was that kid from years ago. Charles didn’t say much during the visit, and I introduced him as my old school friend who had just moved back to town. My dad didn’t connect the dots.
Charles: I tried to keep a low profile. I was nervous about meeting Jamal’s dad again after what happened when we were kids. So I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself.
Jamal: But then, during one of Charles’ visits, my dad overheard him talking with my siblings, and that’s when it clicked for him. He called me into his room and asked, “Is that the same boy from our former house?” I couldn’t lie, so I told him the truth.
How did he react?
Jamal: His mood shifted almost immediately. He didn’t say much to Charles for the rest of the visit, and after he left, my dad told me he didn’t think it was a good idea to have him around. He said, “I don’t trust that boy. I thought I made myself clear years ago.”
Charles: He was a completely different person the next time I came over. He barely greeted me and spent the whole time giving me cold, disapproving looks. It was uncomfortable.
Has he ever confronted you directly, Charles?
Charles: Not outrightly, but his body language says it all. One time, I came to drop off something for Jamal, and his dad didn’t even let me inside the house. He said, “Thank you,” grabbed the package, and shut the door in my face.
Jamal: It’s been tense since. My dad doesn’t explicitly forbid me from seeing Charles, but his disapproval is obvious. Every time Charles comes around, he makes it clear he’s not welcome. I wonder what the situation would be if he ever finds out we’re more than friends.
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Now that you mention it, what do you think is the future of this relationship, with Nigeria’s anti-LGBTQ laws?
Charles: We think about it all the time. We’ve talked about moving abroad where we can live freely and without fear, but we can’t afford it right now.
Jamal: We’re focused on making it work here, but it’s not easy. We’re constantly aware of how dangerous a relationship like ours is in this country. Knowing some laws criminalise our love is scary, but we’re committed to each other.
Do you have a support system here? Friends or family who make things easier?
Charles: Yes, we’ve been fortunate to find a small but close-knit community of friends who support and understand what we’re going through. It’s not just about being queer; it’s about finding people who value and respect us as individuals.
Jamal: Some of our friends are queer, and others are allies who have our backs. Knowing we have people we can turn to makes a huge difference. For example, a friend lets us hang out at his house when we need a safe space to spend time together away from school.
Charles: I have a cousin who knows about us and has been incredibly supportive. She’s among the few family members I trust enough to share this part of my life with. She checks in on me regularly and even helps us with small things, like covering up when my parents ask too many questions about where I’m spending my time.
What about your family, Jamal?
Jamal: Not really, but I have a younger sibling who’s more open-minded. We’ve never explicitly talked about my relationship with Charles, but they’ve made comments suggesting they’d accept if I ever told them the truth.
Charles: Having small pockets of support helps, but we know it’s not the same as full acceptance. That’s why we’re also careful. Even within our community, we’re selective about who we let in.
Jamal: Beyond that, we try to create a safe space in our relationship. Whether it’s cooking together, binge-watching shows, or just laying in bed and talking, those little moments remind us why we’re doing this—why it’s worth it to keep going despite the challenges.
Charles: Ultimately, we know we need to leave Nigeria to build a future together without constantly looking over our shoulders. It’s not an easy decision, but we’re working toward it step by step.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Jamal: I’d give it a 7. Charles makes me feel seen and safe, even when the world feels hostile. But I’d be lying if I said external pressures—like my dad’s disapproval and the constant need to hide—don’t weigh on us.
Charles: For me, it’s an 8. Jamal is kind, supportive, and everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. I just wish we could experience the freedom other couples have without fear. But even with those challenges, it’s worth it being with him.
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