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*Alma, a Lagos-based spiritualist and kayanmata seller, turned her knowledge of herbs into a thriving business that offers everything from aphrodisiacs to spiritual attraction products. She believes her work has helped hundreds of people in romantic relationships make progress and reclaim their confidence, despite the judgment that comes with her line of work.

This is Alma’s story, as told to Mofiyinfoluwa.

When I started selling kayan mata in 2017, people said I was mad. A woman talking openly about sex, orgasms and spiritual work in Nigeria? They called me everything, but I didn’t care. I knew I was helping people, and that was all that mattered.

Kayan mata wasn’t even my first business. I started with weight gain products and beauty items. But I’d picked up a lot from my grandfather, who was a spiritualist and herbal doctor. He lived very long, and growing up around his practice taught me the power of herbs. I saw how he used them to help people solve their problems, and that stuck with me. I just had to find my way into it.

That happened when I realised how many Nigerians, especially women, were suffering silently in their sex lives. Some couldn’t get wet. Some had no libido. Others struggled with vaginal infections or hormonal issues no one around them could even name. So I started developing natural aphrodisiacs: wetness boosters, libido teas, and vaginal sweeteners made from herbs.

By 2018, my ‘pussy sweetener’ had become my bestseller. And yes, the name is very literal. It’s a natural aphrodisiac that helps women enjoy sex more and increases sensation for their partners. I’ve sold thousands of bottles. Soon after, I added spiritual soaps like favour soap, attraction soap, and aura oil. I designed my products to shift people’s energy, boost their confidence, and attract better things into their lives. That was when the business really blew up.

People love sex and money, so naturally, I was sold like fire. I soon realised 95% of my clients were women. Young girls, married women, divorced women — even women in their 50s.

They came to me with different problems. Some said their husbands didn’t touch them anymore, and the relationship was falling apart. Others couldn’t orgasm or struggled with infections. I created a multipurpose product that tightens, clears infections, balances hormones, and even helps with fertility. One client told me she welcomed twins after using it.

Spiritual work mostly comes in when clients want to keep their husbands faithful, attract rich men, get married quickly, or just keep their partner obsessed.

The few male clients I have mostly come for enlargement products, money cowries and magnets. One begged me to make a ‘dick sweetener’. Another wanted something to block his wife’s progress. I laughed and turned him away. My products are strictly for helping people, not causing harm.

It’s not surprising that people come to me for products to do evil or harm people. They don’t understand that it’s not my line. Just recently, someone texted asking for a product that would punish her ex and destroy his destiny. She said she had invested so much in him, but he left her. I told her it was just heartbreak, and she needed to let go. It was nothing my herbs should fix.

People often confuse kayan mata with spiritual work, but they’re not the same. Kayan mata focuses on sexual and emotional enhancement — boosting your aura, confidence and libido. Spiritual work is deeper. It involves supernatural enforcement that sometimes requires ritual. They can work together, and I sometimes combine them on request.

What makes me proudest isn’t even the money. It’s the feedback. People send messages saying they’ve stopped feeling insecure about their bodies, or that they enjoyed sex for the first time in their lives. Some say my products brought confidence back into their marriages.

I remember a woman’s message that really made me happy. She said her sugar daddy used to be extremely stingy, but after using my products, he started paying her allowances, bought her a car and a property, and even took her abroad.

But trust Nigerians to still insult what they secretly want. In the beginning, I struggled with confidence. It wasn’t easy being a woman selling sex and spiritual attraction products in the open. But now? I just laugh. People still say things like, “You that’s selling money soap, how much money do you even have?” Well, I use my own products, and if you know, you know.

You’d think that doing this kind of work would complicate my personal life, but it really hasn’t, not in the way people assume. I’m intentional about who I let close. Most of the people I’ve dated are spiritually conscious themselves. They understand the kind of energy I work with and even come to me for help when they need clarity or guidance. I’ve heard people try to whisper to my partners that I’ve ‘used jazz’ on them, but those same partners often chased me first.

Friendship is where things get tricky. I’ve always been a one-man army, but when I try to make friends, I notice they’re overly careful around me. It’s like they’re scared of offending me because they think I’ll retaliate spiritually. It makes it hard to build honest, vulnerable friendships where honesty thrives. That’s why I’ve learned to keep my circle small. It’s a lonely part of this work that people don’t really talk about.

I’ve had staff who seemed like friends and came pretending to work with me, only to steal recipes. I’ve caught competitors sneaking under my brand, trying to copy what I do. But that doesn’t discourage me. I run paid mentorship programs and classes these days, so if you want to learn, come correct.

If there’s one thing I truly wish, it’s that more people, especially women, would stop suffering in silence. You deserve to own your pleasure, and feel confident in your body and relationships. And if herbs are what get you there? So be it.

For me, this business gave me the confidence to own my voice without shame. I have no plans to stop now.

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*Dayo, 26, never expected his biggest competition in love to be his own brother. But for years, every woman he’s liked has somehow ended up with him instead, leaving Dayo confused, hurt, and questioning their relationship.

In this story, he shares how his brother’s charm created a silent rivalry, why it’s affected his trust in relationships, and the one question he’s scared to ask: what if his brother has always known what he was doing?

This is Dayo’s story, as told to Adeyinka

People say older brothers are meant to protect you. But what happens when your older brother becomes the reason you can’t fully enjoy your relationships? That’s what I’ve been quietly dealing with for years, the fact that my brother has a habit of getting close to the girls I like, and somehow, he always gets them.

We are just two years apart, and we’ve been inseparable since childhood. From nursery school to university, we’ve attended the same schools, lived in the same hostels, and moved through life like a duo. It’s never felt like the typical older-younger brother relationship. If anything, people assume we’re twins because of how tight we are. Same jokes, same friend groups, same routines.

The closeness extended to our social circles. If I had a new friend, it was only a matter of time before my brother became their friend. He has this cool appeal that makes people gravitate towards him. I’ve never minded sharing the spotlight with him. If anything, it made life easier. He’d help me navigate situations, give advice, and sometimes even hype me up. But things always got complicated when it came to women, specifically, the ones I liked.

I noticed it for the first time in secondary school. I had a crush on a girl in my class. I told my brother about her, just gist between brothers. Nothing serious had even started, but I was excited that I liked someone, and she seemed to like me too. A few days later, I noticed my brother talking to her in the hallway. Not just a casual “hi” but a full-on conversation, laughing like they’d known each other forever. At first, I thought maybe I was overthinking it. But the pattern repeated itself. Every time I told him about a girl I liked, he’d find his way into her life, sometimes subtly, other times very directly.

It didn’t bother me much back then because nobody was dating. They were just teenage crushes and school friendships. But when we got to university, things got real.

There was this girl I liked—a law student whose hostel was two blocks away from ours. She was quiet and friendly, and we’d shared a few brief conversations. I told my brother about her one evening. I even mentioned that I was thinking of asking her to hang out properly. He nodded like he was just listening.

The next time I saw her, she was in our room with him. She acted like we were all close friends, but I could barely look her in the eye. Apparently, he’d run into her on campus and invited her over. He didn’t think it was a big deal. I wanted to confront him but didn’t even know how to start. Was I going to accuse my brother of hijacking a girl I wasn’t even dating yet?

They started dating a few weeks later.

That moment shifted something in me. It wasn’t the relationship that hurt — I barely knew the girl — but he’d inserted himself again, like he always did, and didn’t see anything wrong with it. When I brought it up, he acted like I was being dramatic. “You didn’t say you were serious now,” he said. “You only said you liked her.”

But that’s precisely the point. I liked her. I trusted him with that information, and he still made a move.

It didn’t end there. It became a recurring pattern. If I had a female friend I spoke about often, he’d find a way to befriend her. Sometimes, I’d see him texting them or making plans to hang out without telling me. It felt like I was always one step behind. The most frustrating part? No one else seemed to notice. Not our friends or my parents. Whenever I hinted at it, people would laugh and tell me I was being overly sensitive.

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I started holding back. I stopped telling him about women I found interesting. I became cautious around him, especially concerning my personal life. But even with all that, the paranoia didn’t go away. It’s one thing to deal with jealousy from strangers. It’s another thing entirely when it comes from your brother.

Right now, I’m in a relationship. But to be honest, I don’t feel secure in it. Before I asked her out, I made sure there was no way my brother could cross paths with her. I kept our interactions lowkey. I didn’t introduce her to my friends who were connected to him. I didn’t even post her. I’ve been managing a private relationship, not because I want to, but because I’m afraid.

I keep thinking, what if she meets him one day and they click like he always does with the others? What if I become a third wheel again in a story I started? It’s exhausting. I’ve thought about bringing it up properly. Sitting him down and laying everything out. But how do I do that without sounding petty or insecure? How do you say, “Hey bro, can you stop stealing the women I like?” without creating tension? And what if he genuinely doesn’t realise he’s doing it? What if he’s just being his usual friendly self and I’m the one projecting?

But then again, what if I’m not?

What if he knows? What if a part of him enjoys having the upper hand, even if it’s subtle? I hate thinking like this. It makes me feel small and bitter. But these are the thoughts I carry. This whole thing has started to affect how I see him. I find myself pulling away. I’ve built a fence around myself, and even though he hasn’t said anything, I know he feels it too.

Sometimes, I imagine what the future will look like. What happens if we both fall for the same woman? What if I get married and start worrying that my wife will prefer his company to mine? What if one careless moment with the wrong woman drives a permanent wedge between us? I’ve asked myself if I should speak to our parents about it. But what would I even say? “Mummy, I think my brother keeps stealing the women I like.” It sounds ridiculous. They’d probably laugh and tell me to focus on my own game. Even my friends don’t get it. They say things like, “You dey reason am too much.” But they haven’t lived through it like I have.

I don’t hate my brother. I still love him. He’s been my closest person since I was a child. We’ve done life together in ways most siblings never get to experience. But I won’t lie, something is breaking.

Maybe one day, we’ll talk or maybe I’ll keep navigating life like this, always guarding my heart, not just from heartbreak, but from my own blood.

READ THIS TOO: I’ve Had Sexual Dreams About My Siblings for 15 Years, and It’s Haunting Me

Do you really ‘get over’ the death of someone you love? Grief goes beyond weeping at a funeral. Sometimes, it’s in texting a number that will never reply, avoiding your own birthday, or wondering if you’re even allowed to mourn someone you barely knew.

In a society where you’re expected to ‘be strong’ and ‘move on quickly,’ many Nigerians carry grief quietly. We spoke to six Nigerians who’ve lost someone they deeply loved. They open up about the different ways grief continues to shape their lives.

“Eating, sleeping, and even breathing is difficult” — *Adam, 29

*Adam was planning to propose to his girlfriend when she died of leukaemia. Months later, grief has changed everything from his work life to his family.

“She died in December 2024. We knew she was sick, but the news still felt like a slap. I wasn’t even there. I had taken a job in Port Harcourt, and she was in Ibadan. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have taken that job. I’d give anything to have been by her side.

I remember the exact feeling when her sister called —the buzzing in my ears, and how everything froze. I was going to propose on my next visit and had started looking at rings. Now, I feel guilty doing anything. Eating, sleeping, and even breathing is difficult. Life feels colourless.

I couldn’t concentrate at work and had to take leave. When I told my parents I was taking time off, my dad said, ‘Are you the first person to lose a girlfriend?’ I was so mad. We had a huge fight and haven’t spoken since. It feels like a part of me died with her, and it’s not coming back.”

“I don’t have the right to grieve him” — *Farida, 25

*Farida’s father battled a mental illness for over a decade. She expected to feel relief after his death. Instead, the guilt hit harder than she expected.

“My dad’s illness was mostly mental. From when I was 14, he was just a physical presence. It felt like parts of him — his mind and personality – had died years ago.

My mum had to be both wife and caregiver while raising us. She didn’t hire help because she feared society would judge her. She did it all by herself. I sometimes wished for my dad’s passing just so my mum could catch a break. When he did, I thought I’d feel free, but I didn’t.

I was overwhelmed with guilt. It felt like I killed him with my thoughts.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve lost the right to grieve him, but I cry regardless. I don’t think that grief will ever stop.”

“I fear I’ll forget her face one day” — *Zoe, 24

*Zoe lost her mother at a young age. Years later, the pain still feels raw. She’s just learned to live with it quietly.

“Everyone says time heals, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve just learned to nurture the wound so it doesn’t ache every day.

My mum died when I was young, and to this day, I still imagine her walking into the room and saying it was all a prank.

The hardest part of losing her is the loneliness. I never got to talk to anyone about things girls are meant to share with their mums — my period, crushes, or even just how I was feeling. I was expected to just keep going, and I did. Most people don’t even know I’ve lost a parent. I feel like our society doesn’t really support grieving people, and I don’t want to burden anyone.

I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I’m scared I’ll forget her face. I wouldn’t say I’ve healed, but I keep myself going by living a life she’d be proud of.”

“I miss the future I’ll never have with him” — *Dan, 28

People say time heals, but for *Dan, grief has only grown more complicated with age.

“I lost my dad when I was 11. My mum did her best, but there were things I missed, especially as a boy. There were conversations only a father could have with his son, and I didn’t get those.

I miss him, and I miss what our future together could have looked like. I also grieve the past. Sometimes, I pass by where he used to work and feel this wave of longing I can’t explain.

People expected me to ‘step up’ after he died. They didn’t say it outright, but it was implied. That pressure made me grow up too fast. Even now, I still compare my friends’ dads to him. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing they were my dad, or that they’d met him. My dad and I shared a birthday, but since his demise, I find it hard to celebrate., That day just reminds me of a hole in my chest that’ll never be filled.”

“I still reach for my phone to call her” — *Ifeoma, 45

*Ifeoma reconnected with her mother as an adult, only to lose her again a few years later.

“I didn’t grow up with my mum. We reconnected 25 years later, after university, and she quickly became my everything— my confidant and gist partner.

After I got married, she would visit and notice things I missed, like the house help stealing from me. Her presence made a big difference.

When she died, it felt like fate stole her from me a second time. We only spent eleven years together. At first, I didn’t feel the absence because we lived in different cities. But months later, I realised she was the one person who could be honest with me. Sometimes, I forget and reach for my phone to call her. Bad things would happen to me and I’d think, ‘If only my mum were here’.

After her death, a lot of people came to visit and pray with me. I was grateful, but the comfort was temporary. Once they left, the emptiness returned. I look at my children and miss her even more.”

“I cry in the bathroom when no one’s watching” — *Sylvie, 23

Like most mother-daughter relationships, *Sylvie’s relationship with her mum was rocky. Still, nothing prepared her for how the loss would change her.

“My mum and I had this love-hate kind of relationship. But losing her left a void I didn’t expect, and it shows up more often than I’d like to admit.

I became hyper-independent and overly emotional. I cry often — in the bathroom, during prayer, even over minor inconveniences. Her death also made me socially withdrawn. I left social media and got triggered by the simplest things —hymns, TikTok videos, or a line from a sermon. I still talk about her all the time, sometimes without even realising. I have accepted that my grief won’t end. I’m no longer shattered, but I’m still not whole.”

How to Live With Grief Without Losing Yourself

We asked Oghenetega Esiekpe, a counselling psychologist, to explain how to live through grief, one day at a time.

1. Feel everything without shame

“Grief is not a defect or weakness. It is the unresolved love you carry with you,” Esiekpe says.

Sadness, guilt, anger, or numbness, they’re all valid reactions, and you should let yourself feel them. Don’t try to ‘snap out of it’ or pretend you’re fine. Feeling pain or hurt is a natural reaction to loss, and it serves as evidence of love and acceptance.

Esiekpe says guilt is one of the most misunderstood parts of grief. “It shows up when you think you didn’t do enough, or feel relief after someone’s suffering ends. But that relief only means you’re human.” There is no one way to grieve, and you don’t need perfect memories to feel loss.

2. Create small, daily rituals that help you stay grounded

Healing or accepting the loss of a loved one does not happen overnight; it takes small and intentional steps to help one move along.

“Have a routine check-in with yourself, probably at the end of each day. Ask yourself how you feel today. Write down one thing you miss, one thing you remember, or one thing you’re still angry about,” she suggests.

Daily rituals like having a phone call or even gardening can help you reconnect to life in a way that gradually heals you.

3. Don’t ghost your relationships. Be honest

Grief makes your other relationships feel exhausting, even though they are a big part of healing. That doesn’t mean you need to perform happiness. Esiekpe advises, “Let people know you still value their presence. When a friend checks in, consider saying, ‘I don’t have the words to express how I feel right now, but I appreciate you checking on me.’. “

If talking is hard, she suggests other alternatives: watch a movie with friends and family, revisit memories with someone who knows the dearly departed, or simply sit in silence with someone who cares. These are healthy ways to maintain bonds without the pressure to shut down or put on an act.

4. Set boundaries, especially with people who mean well, but hurt you

Like *Adam’s father, People will say the wildest things when you’re grieving. Esiekpe says it’s okay to block that out.

“Consider saying, ‘I appreciate your concern, but I’m not ready for this conversation,’ or ‘I’d prefer to be alone right now.’ Boundaries are a way for you to protect your peace while you heal.”

5. Grief doesn’t disappear

If it’s been months or years and the pain still feels raw, you’re not broken. You’re just grieving honestly.

“Some losses reshape us forever,” Esiekpe says. “The goal isn’t to move on from them, but to move forward while carrying the memory.”

It helps to remember that your loved one would want you to be happy. Living fully can be your way of honouring and celebrating them.

6. Grieve privately, protect publicly

In Nigeria, where we fervently uphold the principle of ‘life must go on’, people expect you to be ‘strong’. It’s okay to mourn for a short while, but you shouldn’t dwell on the loss.. Esiekpe encourages a different approach: “Grieve privately, protect publicly.”

That means finding small moments to cry, feel, or process. It could be in the car, at lunch, or before you go to bed. Don’t let others rush your healing. You have to heal the way your heart needs.

Bottom line

Remember, how you grieve is an indicator that you loved and were loved. It’s not just a ‘phase’ in life, but a lifelong companion that reshapes how you see the world. Let it change you gently and guide you back to living fully again.

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When Toluwani* (50) followed a friend to a church program in 2001, falling in love wasn’t on his agenda. But the moment he met Tomisin* (45), everything changed. What started as a whirlwind romance became a long-distance marriage with three children.

He talks about the slow breakdown of their marriage, and why he still finds it hard to believe all the ways she betrayed him.

This is Toluwani’s story as told to Betty

I met my wife in 2001 at a Pentecostal church program. I was raised Anglican, but a friend insisted that we attend their special program, so I took my father’s car and we all went to the church.

At the meeting, I met Tomisin and thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was tall, dark, and slim, and I was immediately captivated by her. I struck up a conversation with her, and we quickly became friends.

Before the end of the program, I found out that she was in a serious relationship with the church’s choirmaster. At first, I was disheartened, but I thought to myself, “A goalkeeper in front of a post doesn’t mean you can’t score.”

So I started to chase her relentlessly. I lived in Ikeja while she lived in Sango, but I made sure to see her at least once every two days. I would show up with little gifts, trinkets and food, and after a while, I could tell she was starting to reciprocate my feelings.

At the start of 2002, Tomisin ended things with her choirmaster boyfriend, and we started dating. Her parents were strongly against our relationship — they felt the choirmaster was a better choice and didn’t want her dating someone whose upbringing they weren’t sure of. But we stayed together regardless.

By the end of 2002, we were married — though not happily. Tomisin seemed to think that I was much wealthier than I actually was, probably because I was driving my dad’s car around during our courtship. In reality, I was working as a secretary in a small architecture firm in Lagos.

Still, wanting to give my new family a better life, I quit that job and took a better-paying position in Abuja, while Tomisin remained in Lagos. I should mention that Tomisin didn’t work; I was the sole provider as a man should be, while she took care of the home. I would visit Lagos every other weekend, and that became our routine.

We had our first child in 2003, a girl as beautiful as her mother. Tomisin was a great mum, but after the birth of our second daughter in 2005, she started becoming restless. She said she was bored and wanted to get into the job market. I was strongly against this, but I eventually agreed after she pressured me. I got her a small car to move around with and encouraged her job application efforts.

She got a job as a civil servant in 2006, and her salary actually eased the burden of taking care of the bills. I was happy about this, and in 2007, we had our last child, a boy.

Tomisin seemed content with our arrangement for many years — until suddenly, she wasn’t.

In 2020, during the lockdown, I could no longer visit every other weekend as I usually did, and that’s when I started noticing cracks in our relationship. She started picking petty fights over the phone. For instance, she had been asking for a vacation abroad with the kids, but I thought it was better to use that money to buy a house or some land. It was causing serious issues between us, but I shrugged it off and insisted we stick to my plan.

By 2022, I had resumed visiting home regularly. The kids were doing well, and everything seemed fine — or so I thought. Then one night, during a visit to Lagos, Tomisin came home from work exhausted and went to bed earlier than usual. While we were lying in bed, her phone rang. She didn’t answer it, and shortly after, a message came in. It was a raunchy sext from a contact name I didn’t recognise.

I was livid. I woke her up immediately, and we got into a huge fight.

Apparently, her superior at work, a big Alhaji, was asking her to be his girlfriend and worse, she was entertaining him. The next day, I called her family and mine for an emergency meeting. I gave her an ultimatum: she must leave that job and go back to being a housewife or I would leave the marriage. She chose the job. I was annoyed, so I took our kids with me to Abuja and put them in boarding school, an idea she had always hated.

I thought Tomisin was just being stubborn, and she would come around, but she doubled down and kept going to work. We went no-contact for more than half of 2022. I knew she would call the kids at school sometimes, but when I checked in with her family, they would say they hadn’t heard from her. I would send her the occasional text, but she wouldn’t reply.

In early 2023, I ran into an old friend of mine in Abuja. It was the same friend who invited me to the church program, where I met Tomisin. I was delighted to see him, and we struck up a conversation. While we were talking, he said something that shocked me. He said he was sorry that my marriage had ended and asked how I felt now that Tomisin had remarried and had a baby for her new husband.

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I was gobsmacked. Remarried? New baby? I took the first flight I could find back to Lagos, and sure enough, the flat in Lagos was empty. The car I got her was nowhere to be found, and the neighbours in the compound said they hadn’t seen Tomisin for the better part of a year. I thought I was going crazy. I started asking her friends and family for her. Her mum was tight-lipped about Tomisin’s whereabouts, but one of her aunts took pity on me and called me.

She told me that Tomisin had converted to Islam and married the Alhaji at her work. The family thought juju was involved because once they married, Tomisin, who loved short skirts and tube tops, became a niqabi. Her aunt also mentioned that Tomisin had recently given birth to a baby girl. She was surprised I didn’t know. According to her, Tomisin had told the family that we had quietly divorced.

I was heartbroken. I felt like Tomisin and I were just going through a really rough patch, and we were going to come out of the other side stronger. I decided to call her with a different number to see if what her aunt said was true.

She picked up, and the first thing Tomisin said was “Salam alaikum.” It was like someone poured ice-cold water down my back. I started yelling at her. How could she do this? What about our children? Tomisin didn’t even sound remorseful. She said she was happy with the Alhaji and there was no juju involved. He had a wife already, so he had gotten her a separate apartment, and he showered her with money, especially after the birth of her new baby girl. Then she flippantly asked that we start divorce proceedings. She also said our kids should be with me because Alhaji wouldn’t want Christian children in his home.

I was so angry, I hung up. I realised that the woman I married didn’t exist anymore. The pain is not something I can describe easily. The two younger kids don’t really understand what has happened, and honestly, neither do I. Even two years later, I’m still trying to piece my life together.

I sued Tomisin in court for bigamy in August 2023. I don’t think she should be allowed to act with such callousness. She didn’t even tell me she was no longer interested before going to marry another man/ The case has been dragging on in court, but I’m happy to pursue it to the end of the earth and get compensation, one way or another.

If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy: 7 Married Nigerians on the Secrets They’ve Hidden From Their Spouses

Simple and Short Condolence Message

When you’re not sure what to say, a simple and short condolence message can still go a long way. These simple phrases are perfect for texts, notes, or moments when you just want to say something kind and meaningful without overthinking it.

Your loss breaks my heart. I hope you know there’s no wrong way to grieve.

Sending you positive thoughts and lots of prayers.

Thinking of you and your family during this time.

I wish you peace and comfort as you grieve.

Deepest sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you. I’m sending you strength and love.

Please accept my sincere condolences. Holding you close in my heart.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please remember I’m here for you, always.

There are no words to convey how terrible this is. You are in my prayers.

In this difficult period, I’m sending you all the good vibes I can.

Celebrating the life of a good person and mourning their passing with you.

May you be comforted by the outpouring of love surrounding you.

We hope you know we are by your side during this time of sorrow.

Sending you strength today and peace in all the days ahead.

May their memory bring you comfort.

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

You’re in my thoughts. Let me know if I can help with anything.

Wishing you peace and comfort in these difficult days.

I’m so sad for your loss. Thinking of you.

With love and remembrance, we share in your sorrow.

During this tough period, I hope you remember— grief is love with nowhere to go.

ALSO READ: 200+ Happy New Week Messages to Start the Week Right

Condolence Message for Loss of a Parent

Losing a parent is one of life’s deepest heartbreaks. Whether it’s a mother or a father, it’s one of the most profound sorrows. Here, you’ll find the right condolence message for the loss of a parent, offering support, compassion, and warmth for someone mourning the people who raised them.

A young Nigerian looking at the picture of lost parent

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost someone whom you and your family loved so much.

I’m sure you made your parent so proud; I’m sorry their light is gone from your life.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved parent.

Your parent was a truly special person. I know their love will continue to guide you every day.

Sending love as you grieve the loss of your parent. May you find strength in your memories.

You’ve experienced such a huge loss in saying goodbye to your parent. When you’re ready, I’d love to hear more about what your times together were like. You can call on me if you’d like to share memories.

I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing your parent, but they raised an amazing human being: you. Wishing you peace and comfort during this unimaginable time.

Your parent’s amazing personality lives on through you. Sending you love during this difficult time.

Their love and wisdom will never be forgotten. May time bring healing and memories bring comfort.

What an amazing person and what a remarkable life. I feel so lucky that I got to know them.

Your parent was loved so deeply, and so we will grieve deeply too.

Your parent touched many people’s lives — mine included. I’m grateful I got the chance to know them.

There is no one in this world like your parent. They were special and will always be with you.

Your parent will forever remain in our hearts and memories.

Your parent was such an inspiration in my life — I’ll never forget the valuable lessons they taught me.

Nothing I can say will take away the pain you’re experiencing. Just want you to know that I care about you, and I share in your sadness.

May you look back on the precious memories and find peace in knowing that your parent raised an amazing person.

I know you feel unmoored and so sad right now; if there’s anything I can do to help you, or your family, please let me know.

I can’t believe they’re gone, and I know the shock is even greater for you. I hope memories of the happy times you had together can be of some comfort during this incredibly difficult time.

Your parent will be greatly missed; may you be comforted by your many memories together.

Condolence Message for Loss of a Spouse or Partner

The loss of a husband, wife, or life partner leaves an irreplaceable void. You can’t heal them, but these condolence messages for someone grieving their spouse will offer quiet support and comfort during one of life’s most painful transitions.

A Nigerian man staring at his wedding band after receiving condolence messages for loss of a partner

Your partner was such a wonderful person. They were an outstanding, and will live in our hearts and memories forever.

As you grieve, I hope you know that love never dies. Your spouse’s love for you is everlasting.

No words can express how sorry I am for the loss of your partner. I didn’t know them personally, but I know how much you loved them, and I am here for you.

I’ll always admire the love shared between you and your partner. You shared a one-of-a-kind bond that can never be broken.

I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved partner. You complemented each other like no other couple I know. May your precious memories bring you comfort.

No words can ease your pain, but I’m holding space for you.

Love like yours is never truly lost. May the bond you shared always comfort you.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved partner. Their love for you was always so evident.

Thinking of you as you mourn the love of your life. I hope the memories you shared bring you peace.

I know your heart is broken and your life has turned inside out. I love you and am praying for you.

I have so many happy memories of the two of you; if you ever want to reminisce about the happy times, I’ll come over.

I cannot imagine how much you are hurting right now; I know the road ahead of you is long, and I will walk with you along it as much as I can.

You’ve lost your other half, and you feel incomplete and lost. I hate that you have to suffer through this; I love you and will be here for you whenever you need me.

Watching you two together heightened my understanding of love, and watching you grieve has deepened my understanding of love as well.

I can only imagine your pain, and I’m so sorry. I’ll be here to support you in whatever way you need.

Please know you are not alone in your grief. I’m holding your heart in mine.

My heart goes out to you and your beautiful family. No words can ease your pain, but I’m holding space for you.

Thinking of you as you mourn the love of your life. I hope the memories you shared bring you peace.

No words can truly express my sorrow for your loss. I hope you find solace and comfort in the months ahead.

Your union was one to admire. You two were the perfect fit and I’m sorry for the loss of your best friend. You have my support during this difficult time.

Condolence Message for Loss of a Sibling

Siblings share memories, secrets, and years of growing up together. Losing one can feel like losing a part of yourself. These condolence messages for the loss of a sibling are written to gently acknowledge that pain and offer support.

Friends embracing and offering condolence message for the loss of a sibling

I love you, and I know they loved you, too. I’m so sorry that the world has lost such a bright light.

I cannot imagine the depth of this loss for you; your family is broken and will never be the same. Please know that I’m thinking of you and hoping for healing wherever it is possible.

Your sibling will always be remembered for the amazing person they were. May their memory bring you comfort and peace.

Your sibling’s spirit will live on through all the lives they touched. They will be greatly missed.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your sibling. They will always be your forever friend.

I hope you find strength in the memories you shared. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

They were such a sweet soul. May your sibling’s spirit stay with you always.

Thinking of you as you grieve your sibling. They were taken too soon, and my heart aches for you.

They meant so much to all of us, but I know that they meant the most to you. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you and your family during this dark time.

Your sibling’s memory will always live on through the love they shared with others. May their light continue to shine on through you.

I was both shocked and saddened to hear about the loss of your sibling. They were an incredible friend and I know the best sibling anyone could ask for. Please accept my sincerest condolences for your loss.

I wish I had the right words, but I just don’t. Just know that I care, and I want to help in any way I can.

May the love and cherished memories of your sibling bring you comfort during this difficult time.

I don’t know how you feel, and I won’t pretend to. But I do love you, and if there’s anything I can do for you right now, I’m happy to do it.

I can only imagine the depth of your sorrow, but I want you to know that I’m here for you, always. Your sibling’s kindness, love, and generosity will never be forgotten, and their legacy will live on in your heart.

Losing a sibling is a pain like no other. May the cherished memories of your sibling bring you comfort and strength during these difficult days ahead. May their spirit continue to guide and inspire you.

I can’t imagine the sadness you must be feeling from losing your sibling. Remember that you’re loved and not alone.

Your sibling was one of a kind. I will miss them more than words can say.

Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your sibling. They will forever be in our hearts and memories.

Your sibling was loved by many, and I feel privileged to have known them. Their memory will never fade.

Condolence Message for Loss of a Child

There are no words strong enough for the pain of losing a child. These tender condolence messages for loss of a child are written with deep compassion for parents experiencing an unimaginable kind of grief — and with the hope that they feel seen, loved, and supported.

Empty child's bed with a teddy, signifying the loss of a child

I have no words that could ever ease your pain, but I want you to know I’m here — grieving with you, holding you in my heart, and sending you love.

Your child was a beautiful light in this world. I hope you find peace in knowing their love and spirit will always live on.

Your child brought joy and love to so many in such a short time. That legacy will never be forgotten.

There’s no pain like this, and there’s no timeline for healing. Be gentle with yourself. I’m here for you.

Your grief is a reflection of a deep, endless love. I’m thinking of you and praying for comfort in your heart.

No parent should ever have to go through this. My heart aches for you and your family.

I know words will never be enough, but I hope you feel the support and love surrounding you now that your baby has angel wings.

Your child was a light. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to not be okay. Your loss is real, and you’re allowed to grieve in your own way.

Life seems incredibly cruel and arbitrary right now; I cannot find meaning in what has happened. I love you and will be thinking of you and praying for you. If I can do anything more, please let me know how I can help.

I cannot imagine how awful and bleak your world looks right now. I’m praying that hope and comfort flood your life during this dark time.

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Please know that my heart aches for you and your family during this unimaginable time of grief.

During this time of grief, may you find solace in the love and memories you shared with your child. Their spirit lives on in the lives they touched.

Deep sorrow can feel like drowning. Please know I’m here to be your life raft.

No one can prepare for this type of loss. Sending you strength at this time.

There are no good words. In your grief, I hope you will be able to reach out to me for help and support. I love you.

I can’t express the depth of sorrow I feel for your loss. Your child’s memory will forever remain in our hearts.

During this time of profound grief, please know that you are not alone. Your child’s spirit will forever remain in the hearts of all who knew and loved them.

I can’t find words to convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Your child’s memory will forever be a reminder of the joy they brought to those around.

Condolence Message for Loss of a Friend

Friends are the family we choose — losing one can leave a silence that’s hard to fill. These condolence messages for the loss of a friend honour that unique bond and offer comfort to those grieving someone close.

Nigerians at the graveyard, offering condolence messages for the loss of a friend.

I know you loved them very much, and it’s hard to imagine life without them. You must be feeling everything from numbness to anger, from sadness to frustration, and everything in between.

A hug from me to you to let you know that today and every day, you are in my heart and thoughts. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Grief is such a complex part of life, and everything you’re feeling right now is normal, even though it seems strange and is so difficult to navigate.

Losing someone so close is so hard. I will be here to support you at any time and any hour. Sending you so much love.

During this tough time in your life, may my friendship, sympathy, and heartfelt condolences bring you comfort.

We’ve shared many good times with [Name]. their memory will always live on with us.

I was deeply saddened to hear about the passing of your dear friend. May you find the strength you need to navigate this moment.

Although [Name] is no longer with us, the memories and laughter you shared will always be with you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

I’m deeply sorry to hear about the loss of [Name]. May you find strength in the days ahead and cherish the good times you shared with your friend.

Wishing you peace, comfort, and courage as you navigate this difficult time without your dear friend.

I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your friend. True friendship leaves behind memories that never fade.

They may be gone, but their laughter, kindness, and light will stay with you forever.

I know how much your friend meant to you, and I’m here for you in this time of sorrow.

Losing someone who truly understood you is never easy. I’m sending you all my love as you grieve.

May your memories bring you comfort, and your grief be met with compassion.

They were a beautiful soul, full of warmth and love. Their impact will live on in everyone they touched.

I know no one can fill the space they left behind, but I hope you feel surrounded by love and support.

I hope you find strength in knowing how many people admired and loved your friend.

The bond you shared with your friend was rare and special. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You gave them a loyal and beautiful friendship. That will never be forgotten.

Condolence Message for Loss of a Pet

Pets become family. They give unconditional love, comfort, and joy. These condolence messages for the loss of a pet are written for anyone mourning their animal companion and in need of gentle words of sympathy.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your furry friend. They brought so much joy into your life.

Your pet was lucky to be so loved, and you were lucky to be loved so fully in return.

I know how much your pet meant to you. Their absence must be so hard.

Pets never leave us — they stay in the spaces of our hearts they once filled.

I hope you can feel how much love surrounds you as you mourn your companion.

The way [pet’s name] lit up your life will never be forgotten.

Their tail wags, cuddles, and presence were a gift. I’m holding you in my thoughts.

Your grief is valid. The love between a human and their pet is incredibly real.

They were part of your daily joy, and it’s okay to feel lost without them.

May you find peace in the memories you created and the love you shared.

Losing a pet is losing a friend. I’m so sorry for this heartbreak.

I know nothing can replace [pet’s name], but I hope your memories give you comfort.

You gave them a life full of love, and they gave it back every day.

I’m here for you as you grieve — their paw prints are forever on your heart.

Rest in peace, [pet’s name]. You were deeply loved and will be dearly missed.

I know how much they meant to you. Know that you’re in my thoughts.

I can imagine how much it hurts, and I’m wishing you comfort.

I’m so sorry you lost your best friend. What a special and gentle soul your pet was.

There will be days you won’t be able to catch your breath, but please remember that you gave them the most amazing gift of what it means to be loved.

You loved them with everything you had; that’s what all pets want the most.

Religious Condolence Message

Faith can be a source of strength in times of loss. These religious condolence messages — including both Christian and Muslim expressions — offer spiritual comfort and prayerful words for those leaning on belief as they grieve.

May the God of all comfort surround you with peace that passes understanding during this time of loss.

I’m praying that God gives you strength and hope in the days to come.

May the Lord hold you in His arms and carry you through this sorrow.

Take comfort in knowing that your loved one is now resting in the arms of Jesus.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un — Surely we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. May Allah grant your loved one Jannah.

May Allah (SWT) ease your sorrow, forgive their sins, and grant them peace in the hereafter.

I pray that your heart finds healing in God’s promise of eternal life.

May God’s love and grace sustain you through your grief.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

I pray that Allah surrounds your family with patience and mercy during this difficult time.

May the Almighty forgive the departed, bless their soul, and grant you and your family sabr.

Your loved one may be gone from this earth, but their soul is safe with the Lord.

I pray God gives you peace, strength, and hope in the midst of your pain.

May the light of Christ be your guide and comfort as you mourn.

May Allah (SWT) elevate their ranks in Jannah and bring comfort to your heart.

You are in my heart and prayers during this time of sorrow. May the Lord provide you with peace and healing.

May the love of Jesus surround you and bring comfort for your loss.

May Allah give you patience and ease your pain during this difficult time.

May Allah envelop you in His infinite mercy and give you the strength to endure this loss.

Professional or Formal Condolence Message

In the workplace or formal settings, it’s important to offer sympathy with grace and professionalism. These condolence messages are appropriate for colleagues, clients, or acquaintances — respectful while still being from the heart.

Laptop with condolence package and card in a professional setting

Please accept my heartfelt sympathies for the loss that you and your family are experiencing. You are in my thoughts.

I was saddened to learn of your loss, and I extend to you my deepest condolences.

We are saddened to learn of your loss. Please know that we’re thinking of you and are here for anything you may need.

My sincere sympathy to you and your family. May you find solace and tranquillity in the days ahead.

On behalf of our entire team, please accept our deepest sympathies. Please, take as much time needed to mourn your loss

Please know we are thinking of you during this painful time. As your work family, we are here for you.

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss. The office won’t be the same without [Name]. Their memory will not be forgotten.

If there wasn’t so much love, it wouldn’t be this hard to say goodbye. Our thoughts are with you.

May your happy memories give you peace and comfort during this challenging time.

I am sharing in your sadness as you remember your loved one.

Praying for you during this difficult time. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.

Deepest condolences to you and your family for your loss.

Words cannot express how saddened we are to learn of your loss. Please take your time. We are all here for you.

We want to let you know that our thoughts are with you and your family.

We’re wishing you and your family courage and peace during this time of mourning.

It’s never easy, and it’s never fair when we lose someone important to us. Extend my sympathies to your whole family.

The loss of [Name] is felt by many. May the memories of their wonderful personality and many contributions be celebrated by all.

When grief is shared online, a few kind words can go a long way. These short condolence messages are suited for social media posts, public tributes, or replies — simple, thoughtful, and sensitive enough for any timeline.

Phone screen showing condolence messages on social media

Sending love and prayers to you and your family during this time.

So sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength and healing.

Thinking of you. May their memory always be a blessing.

Deepest condolences. Holding you close in thought.

Rest in peace, [Name]. You will be deeply missed.

Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

Wishing you light during this dark time.

May your heart find comfort in the love that surrounds you.

Sending my love and condolences — I’m so sorry.

May [Name] rest well. Thinking of your family today.

A life well-lived and a soul dearly missed.

My heart goes out to you. May you find strength in this time.

Rest easy, [Name]. We will never forget you.

Condolences to you and your family. You are not alone.

Holding you in my thoughts and hoping you find peace.

May your grief be met with compassion and your memories with peace.

Sending heartfelt condolences your way.

Wishing you healing and strength in the days to come.

This news is so shocking and tragic. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Sending you love and support as you navigate this sudden, heartbreaking loss.

How To Write A Condolence Message

If you’re struggling to find the right words, you’re not alone. Writing a condolence message doesn’t have to be complicated — it just needs to come from the heart. Here’s a simple guide to help you write something sincere and comforting.

1. Start simple

You don’t need a grand opening. A gentle “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “Please, accept my condolences” is more than enough.

2. Say something kind or personal

If you knew the person who passed, mention a memory or something you admired about them. If you didn’t, just acknowledge how much they meant to the person grieving.

3. Offer comfort, not clichés

Avoid phrases like they’re in a better place unless you’re sure it will resonate. Instead, try “I’m thinking of you” or “I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I’m here.”

4. Let them know they’re not alone

If it’s someone close to you, say, “I’m here if you want to talk”, or “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

5. End with warmth

Wrap it up with something kind and soft like: “Sending love”, “With sympathy”, or “Wishing you peace and healing.”

5 Questions about Condolence Messages

Many people aren’t sure what to say when someone passes away. Whether it’s about timing, tone, or wording, these quick answers to common questions can help you feel more confident when offering sympathy to someone who’s grieving.

Family comforting each other after the loss of a loved one

1. When should I send a condolence message?

As soon as you hear the news. Don’t worry about waiting for the perfect time. A timely message, even if brief, is always appreciated.

2. Is it okay to send a condolence via text or social media?

Yes, especially if that’s your usual way of communicating with the person. It can also feel less overwhelming for someone grieving.

3. What if I didn’t know the person who died well?

That’s okay. Focus on supporting the person who’s grieving. You can say something like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m thinking of you.”

4. Should I mention the cause of death?

Only if the person grieving has spoken openly about it. Otherwise, it’s better to avoid bringing up sensitive details.

5. Is it okay to include religious phrases?

Yes, but only if you’re sure the person shares those beliefs. If not, keep your message respectful and neutral.

ALSO READ: 200+ Appreciation Messages To Show Gratitude & Say ‘Thank You’

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The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

How long have you been with your partner?

Darryl and I have been dating for about 10 months, so it’s still early. We’ll celebrate our first anniversary in July.

How did you meet?

We met at a mutual friend’s baby shower, and sparks flew. I went to his house the next day for a home-cooked dinner date, and we’ve been inseparable since. It felt like I’d known him all my life, and we were just meant to be together. Darryl feels the same way, too.

It’s giving whirlwind romance

It was really fast. We probably should have taken the time to know each other better first, but the chemistry was hot. We’re smitten with each other, and it shows. Our mutual friend always jokes that I’d have met the love of my life sooner if I weren’t such a homebody. And it’s true.

I’ve known our mutual friend since uni, and Darryl has been a family friend with her for about two years. Our paths didn’t cross earlier because I never go anywhere. Even that baby shower, I almost didn’t attend because of sleep. Thank God I did.

Is there a reason you feel you should’ve gotten to know each other better first?

It would’ve just made transitioning into a relationship easier. I’d already know things he wasn’t comfortable with and be more sensitive, and vice versa.

For example, on our third date, Darryl took me to a high-end restaurant. When the ₦140k bill came, I brought out my card and offered to pay half of the bill. But Darry became upset and thought I was implying he couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t mean to imply that at all. I just didn’t expect the bill to be so expensive, and I didn’t want him to see me as a broke babe. Or someone who needed a man to handle my bills. Looking back, I didn’t need to do that because Darryl isn’t broke either. I guess I’ve just seen different kinds of shege from Nigerian men, and I wanted to cover the basics.

The restaurant incident led to our first disagreement. I didn’t understand why he was so offended, and he thought I wasn’t taking his feelings seriously. I can’t remember how we settled, but it most likely ended in bed. That’s how most of our disagreements have ended.

Wiun! What are your financial situations like?

I don’t know how much Darryl makes, but he’s a lawyer and his family is pretty well-connected. He also lives alone in one of the city’s most expensive neighbourhoods, so I know he has money.

I earn ₦500k/month from my 9-5 as a product designer. Also, I regularly get side gigs that bring me an average of ₦250k monthly. I live with family and only touch my salary for personal needs.

Join 1,000+ Nigerians, finance experts and industry leaders at The Naira Life Conference by Zikoko for a day of real, raw conversations about money and financial freedom. Click here to buy a ticket and secure your spot at the money event of the year, where you’ll get the practical tools to 10x your income, network with the biggest players in your industry, and level up in your career and business.

What kind of money conversations do you and Darryl have?

He occasionally sends me money — usually ₦100k — with narrations like “change your hairstyle,” but I don’t think those count as conversations. We really don’t talk a lot about money, to be honest. I don’t ask him for money, and he doesn’t ask me for money.

Sometimes, he takes me out on dates and handles the bills. I’ve also initiated the dates a few times, and I pay for them. We see things the other person might like and buy for each other. We haven’t been dating long, so I think it’s pretty early to discuss our finances and account balances. We don’t have joint expenses, so knowing his salary isn’t exactly a pressing issue, and I don’t intend to tell him mine.

Darryl probably thinks I earn around the ₦250k range because I once accidentally mentioned the figure while ranting about my client delaying payment. I wasn’t happy about the slip-up, but it’s not my actual salary, so I didn’t overthink it.

It sounds like you don’t want him to know how much you earn

Oh, I definitely don’t want him to know how much I earn. Even if he ever asks me, I’ll never tell him the full amount. Like I said, I’ve experienced plenty shege with Nigerian men.

I dated someone who treated me like trash because he had more money than I did. I thought, “Okay then. Let me get my money up.” So, I started making money and started forming intentional babe for my next couple of boyfriends. You know, loaning (and even dashing them) money and buying them stuff. Those ones used “You’re a big girl now” to chop my money and cheated on me on top of that.

I’m not about to put myself in those situations again. I’ve also heard several horror stories of women being forced to be breadwinners or indirectly ending up giving all their money to their men for one reason or another. I can’t trust or love any man with my money.

Have you heard stories of men crashing out because they discovered their wives had hidden wealth?

Yeah. Why?

I aspire to be like those women. My focus now is growing my income, having a healthy safety net, and having tons of investments stashed away.

It’s not because I believe Darryl will turn on me or because I want to deceive him; I just don’t want to be unprepared if shit hits the fan one day.

I assume Darryl doesn’t know about this plan

He doesn’t. But I don’t see how it should be a problem if he ever finds out. I’m storing money away for my future. If he has a problem with it, then that’s a red flag. It’s not like I’m stealing from you or draining your account to make mine fatter. I’m just being smart with my safety net.

What does that safety net look like right now?

I’ve been consistently saving since 2023 and have about ₦3.8 m in my savings. My goal is to invest in real estate and stocks so I can make passive income from both and still have physical assets. If I hope to achieve this in the next five years, I’ll probably need to unlock a new income level, preferably in dollars.

You mentioned dates and gifts earlier. Do you have a budget for those?

I have a strict ₦150k monthly budget for everything enjoyment-related. Random food cravings and outings, as well as dates and gifts, fall under this budget.

Darryl handles most of the dates, so I do those maybe once every two months. The dates I initiate are mostly indoors, so I just buy food to cook or order takeout. That’s a maximum of ₦40k.

Gifts are usually t-shirts, perfumes, and Shambhala bracelets. Actually, I buy him the perfumes, and then steal them back when I visit him, haha. For his birthday, I splurged and got him a pair of shoes for ₦75k. That month, I banished all my cravings so I wouldn’t go over budget.

How are you both thinking about future plans for your relationship?

I know we’re definitely together for the long haul, but we’ve not talked about marriage. We’re both just taking each day at a time. The first few months of our relationship were just red-hot romance, and we’re just starting to settle into a pattern and see how things work. I’m not trying to rush anything, and neither is he. Let’s just enjoy the now.

How about what you’d like your finances to look like in the future?

I’d really like us to own a business together one day. I keep telling Darryl he has a brilliant entrepreneurial mind, but he doesn’t see it. I hope I can get him to stop overthinking it one day and allow my power couple dreams to come true.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Customer Service Supervisor Cohabiting in Lagos on a Combined ₦4m Salary

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Marriage is supposed to be about openness, honesty and sharing your whole self with your partner. But what happens when “I do” slowly becomes “I’m not telling you this part”?

From secret accounts to salary raises, these married Nigerians share what they’ve chosen to keep hidden — for now.

“Prophets keep warning me about my mother-in-law, but I don’t tell my wife” — *Musa, 49

When different prophets mention your mother-in-law unprovoked, you start wondering if your home is really under spiritual siege or if it’s simply a coincidence. For *Musa, praying in silence is better than accusing someone’s beloved mum of spiritual warfare.

“My wife’s mother is a quiet, soft-spoken woman who minds her business in our presence. But over the years, I’ve been to at least four different churches — sometimes for prayers, sometimes just attending with friends — and somehow, someone always pulls me aside with the same message: ‘There’s a powerful woman in your family. She’s not what she seems.’

The last prophet was especially specific. He described my mother-in-law without me saying a word. He said she’s deeply spiritual, but her hands are not clean. He said she blocks certain things from flowing freely in her daughter’s home. He said I should be prayerful. The first time I tried to mention something vaguely related to my wife, just casually, she flared up. “Are you trying to say my mum is a witch?” she snapped. That was my cue to never bring it up again.

Now, when I hear things or get revelations, I keep them to myself. I simply pray and stay vigilant. The woman lives back in the village and barely calls us. She’s not the visit-every-Christmas type, and I prefer it that way. I send money when necessary and show respect when I must, but my guard is always up.

I know some people might say, ‘Tell your wife.’ But tell her what exactly? That her beloved mum is spiritually dodgy? It’s not a conversation I’m ready to have. Not until there’s undeniable proof, and not just prophecy.”

“I found a lump in my breast but never told my husband” — *Ronke, 42

*Ronke handled her health scare solo, not out of mistrust, but because sometimes, shared panic only makes things worse.

“Last year, I discovered a small lump in my left breast while taking a shower. It scared me, but instead of panicking or waking my husband, I quietly scheduled an appointment at a private hospital close to my office.

I didn’t tell anyone — not even my closest friend. I just needed time to process what this could mean. What if it was cancer? What if I had to start treatment? How would my husband take it? He’s supportive, but also the type to spiral with worry. I didn’t want to carry both our fears. Thankfully, it turned out to be benign. But here’s the thing: I still haven’t told him.

Not because I enjoy hiding things, but because I’ve convinced myself there’s no need anymore. It’s behind me now. I took care of it. He didn’t need to know then, and he doesn’t need to know now.”

“I’ve gotten two salary raises this year, but my wife doesn’t know” — Chuka, 33

Chuka started marriage with financial transparency, but quickly learnt that not all earnings are up for grabs. Now, he’s intentional about enjoying a little peace and the occasional soft life.

“Before we got married, I was very transparent about money. My wife knew how much I earned, how much I saved, and even what I planned to buy. But after we got married, something changed. Suddenly, she started keeping tabs on my salary dates. She’d say things like, “You should’ve been paid by now. Have you sent the electricity money?” or “This one you’re relaxing, your salary has entered, abi?”

Before I even opened my banking app, she’d already budgeted 60% of my money. She also believes that every extra Kobo I have should be channelled into joint goals or home upgrades.

So yes, I’ve had two salary increases in the past year. I told her I got a new role but downplayed how much it pays. If she knows, I’ll have no breathing space. I just want to be able to treat myself without feeling guilty or like I’m hiding receipts.”

“My wife doesn’t know I spend part of my salary the day I get paid on myself” — *Victor, 37

*Victor loves his family, but that salary day belongs to him and him alone. For him, it’s not selfishness, it’s self-preservation. He shares:

“I love my family deeply, but sometimes I feel I’m only alive for them. My salary is almost always gone before mid-month: school fees, rent, fuel, data, PHCN, and snacks for the kids. Even when I buy something small for myself, my wife makes me feel guilty. She’ll ask, “So you didn’t think of me or the kids?”

To protect my sanity, I started a ritual: On the day I get paid, I take a portion — sometimes ₦50k, ₦100k — and spend it on myself. It could be sushi at an expensive restaurant or a full-body massage session. I just need one moment to feel like I’m enjoying my hard-earned money. When I get home, I enter quietly and act like nothing happened. I don’t feel guilty about it. It’s the only time I feel I’m living for myself.”

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“My ex sent me a huge gift before my wedding. My husband doesn’t know” — *Grace, 29

*Grace didn’t plan for her ex to return to her life with a seven-figure gift and no strings. But when life hands you a surprise alert, you don’t ask too many questions, you forward it to your safety net and keep it pushing.

“A few weeks before I got married, I randomly got a text from my first boyfriend. We hadn’t spoken in years, but he said he heard I was getting married and wanted to send me a gift. I didn’t think much of it until a seven-figure sum landed in my account.

The money went straight into my personal savings account. My husband doesn’t know this account exists; I’ve had it for years and kept it private. It’s my emergency fund, my safety net, and the first rule of that account is: don’t gist anybody. I don’t feel like I’m hiding something. I’m just protecting my peace. Maybe I’ll tell him… someday.”

“My queer friend saw my brother-in-law on Grindr. I’ve told no one” — *Busola, 34

When *Busola’s friend stumbled on her in-laws’ secret life, she chose silence over scandal. Outing someone, even by accident, isn’t on her to-do list, no matter how shocking the receipts are.

“Last year, one of my closest friends — who’s queer — casually mentioned that he matched with someone on Grindr who looked familiar. They chatted, and when the guy sent more pictures, my friend called me, shocked.

It was my brother-in-law. I didn’t want to believe it at first. My brother-in-law has never come across as queer. He’s married with kids and the classic Lagos hard guy. But my friend was sure. Thankfully, they didn’t meet up, but I’ve been holding on to this secret ever since.

I didn’t tell my husband. It’s not my place to out anyone, especially someone not ready to be outed. If he finds out on his own, so be it. But it won’t come from me.”

“I used to be a cultist in uni. My wife has no idea” — *Segun, 35

*Segun’s past life is a closed chapter. These days, he’s just a regular husband, not a campus demigod. For him, some skeletons are better left in the cupboard.

“It wasn’t one of the violent ones. Not the kind that kills or fights or initiates people with blood. It was more of a social cult, if there’s anything like that — bragging rights, access to parties, hierarchy on campus. I joined because my friends were in it, and it felt like the thing to do.

I left that part of my life the moment I graduated; it was something I buried with the past.

My wife knows about my wild uni days, but I’ve never mentioned this detail. Not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s irrelevant now. I’ve changed, and this version of me doesn’t need that stain.”

READ THIS NEXT: 5 Nigerians On Why They Ended Affairs with Married People

Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Damola*(23) met Tinuade*(23) in church in 2021, and they began a friendship that blossomed into a two-year-long situationship. Things were going smoothly until one day, she stopped responding to Damola’s calls or messages.

He still sees her in church every Sunday, and in this week’s edition of Sunken Ships, he shares how their relationship started, how Tinuade’s actions made him feel, and how it affected his experience of romantic relationships.

Tell me how you and Tinuade* hit it off.

Tinuade and I met in August 2021 and formed a quick friendship. Her father is a pastor, and at the time, he was transferred to head our branch of the church. At first, I spoke to her just to be polite, but as we spent more time together each Sunday, our bond began to deepen. Soon after, she confessed her feelings to me, and I asked her out on a date. By December 2021, we were seeing each other regularly, though we didn’t want to put any hard labels on what we were doing.

That’s cute. What were the dynamics of this situationship?

Quite frankly, it didn’t feel like a situationship while it lasted. I wasn’t seeing anyone else, and neither was she. We just didn’t want to label our relationship with anything that would draw unnecessary attention.

I liked her a lot. It helped that we attended the same school, so we would run into each other sometimes on campus. Or I’d visit her at her hostel, and we’d talk for hours. We were close, and we shared everything.

So what went wrong?

Hm, if you ask me, na who I go ask? I was having a great time. It’s not like our relationship was perfect. We had some fights over jealousy or poor communication, but it never shook our connection.

One day in December 2023, I called her because I hadn’t heard from her, and she didn’t pick up. I left several messages, and she still didn’t respond. Meanwhile, she was keeping our snap streak alive. It was so confusing.

I waited until the next Sunday to confront her, but she treated me like I was an acquaintance and all of our history was a joke. She was so cold. After church, she sent me a simple break-up text, “I’m not the one for you.”

That’s awful, I’m so sorry. How did that make you feel?

I was really hurt. She was one of my closest friends. My family and hers even knew about our friendship, not that we were seeing each other, but they knew we were quite close. I considered responding to her message and asking her why she thought she wasn’t the one for me. We hadn’t fought, and she didn’t seem to be speaking with anyone new; her decision came out of nowhere.

Did you ever ask her what happened or what triggered it?

I wanted to, but I was too proud. We’re adults, and we’ve been together for two years. I felt that if she was going to be mature about it, she’d give me her reasons. She never did.

Wow. What’s your relationship with her like now?

We barely speak. To avoid scrutiny, we still say hi to each other at church sometimes, but that relationship, that friendship, is dead and buried. I’ve blocked her everywhere we used to talk, sef.

Has this affected the way you navigate romance and relationships?

Absolutely. For more than a year after Tinuade and I split up, I became extremely nonchalant and emotionally avoidant. I feel bad when I look back at that version of myself because I hurt the people I had flings with. And it was all because I hadn’t healed from that break-up.

How do you mean?

I would frustrate them by not caring or communicating. They would try to reach me emotionally, but I would be far away. I didn’t care if they stayed or left. I wrapped myself up in the safety that comes with the absence of emotion. While it’s true that I didn’t get hurt, I hated that other people did. And above all, I found that it wasn’t sustainable. I had to change.

What has it been like since you changed?

It’s been great. I’m currently dating someone with whom I feel safe, and I realised I really missed being in touch with my emotions. She gets me, is very open about her feelings, and allows me space to do the same. Being with her has gone a long way in healing the emotional wound Tinuade gave me.

Would you ever consider getting back together with Tinuade if she came to apologise?

I used to fantasise about a situation like that when we had just split. I imagined her saying it was all a mistake and she was sorry. In that scenario, I took her back. But now, after all the growing I’ve done, I think it would be best if we stayed as we are now— apart.

If you want to share your own Sunken Ships story, fill this form.

There’s no GPS for finding love, but when you do, there’s no denying it. Zikoko spoke to men besotted with their partners about the moment they knew their woman was ‘The One’.

From salon meet-cutes to surprise food deliveries, these men share the moment that made them hold on tightly to the love of their lives. Please avoid this article if your blood sugar is high. The stories here are unbelievably sweet.

“I just knew in my heart that I would always love this person” — Damisi* (30)

There was no lightbulb moment for me. Before we even got into a relationship, it was already clear to me that she was made especially for me. I just knew in my heart that I would always love this person. In every life, I’ll find her, and she’ll fit me perfectly. When I count my blessings, I can count her alone, and it’ll be enough. On some days, I cannot believe my good fortune. On other days, I praise my past lives. They must have done something right for me to be this blessed in this one.

“There was something about her. It just felt right”- Adebanji* (36)

I met my wife on a totally random day. I’d had a long, stressful day at work, so I decided to visit an old friend I hadn’t seen in almost two years. We’d been trying to link up for ages, but it had never worked out. That day, there was heavy traffic and I couldn’t leave the area, so I decided to chill with him for a bit longer.

While we were catching up, I noticed a beautiful girl walk into the salon across from where we were. The moment I saw her, I turned to my friend and said, “I like that girl.”Funny enough, he knew her. I asked him to casually call her over for a chat, and I would take it from there. No introductions, no set-up. I wanted to meet her on my own terms.

When she came over and spoke to him a bit, I made sure to strike up a conversation, and that was how it all started. I told my friend right then, “That girl is going to be my wife.” He laughed it off, but I was serious.

Fast forward to now, we’ve been together for three years. I knew from the very first moment. There was something about her: the way she carried herself, her calm confidence. It just felt right.

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“I knew from that moment that I couldn’t let her go” — Ifeoluwa*(29)

On the day we started talking about maybe giving a relationship a shot, I mindlessly tweeted that I was craving some ewa agoyin and bread. It was a joke, but the next day, I got a call from a delivery driver who brought me exactly that. It threw me off because I’d only tweeted the day before I needed Ewa Agoyin to reset my life. For context, I was in Nigeria, and she was in the UK. I knew from that moment that I couldn’t let her go.

“She loves me just the way I am” — Ugochukwu* (30)

I knew she was the one from the first two weeks of us being friends. She was relentless in trying to break every wall I had, and it was a bit scary. I had gone through relationships, never letting anyone in, and here was this lady I’d only known for two weeks, trying to know everything about me. Thankfully, I gave in, and now we’re married. There are so many things she’s done that cemented my initial belief that she was the one.

She loves me just the way I am. I’m not the perfect picture of a calm, quiet gentleman. I do a lot of crazy things. For example, my fashion can be eccentric, but she loves that and encourages me to be myself. I have dated people who said I was too much. With her, I’ve had the room to grow and leave behind some things at my own pace. She’s given me the room to grow as a man without all the unnecessary societal requirements.

Also, my parents adore her. She started speaking to them early on in our relationship, and now, they’re inseparable. She secretly sends them money. They now confide in her and not in me, their son. She has taken over my parents, and I love it because they don’t have a daughter. She’s filled that role so well that I believe if I ever hurt her, my parents would kill me.

“She looked phenomenal, and I turned to my friends and said, ‘I’ve found my wife.’” — Gabriel*(63)

I met my wife at a party in Ibadan in 1994. The minute she walked into the venue, it was like the temperature dropped. She looked phenomenal, and I turned to my friends and said, “I’ve found my wife.” It took two years to convince her to date me, but we’ve been married for almost thirty years now. I still celebrate the first day I laid eyes on her. She’s everything a man could want and more. I thank God for her every day.

If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy: 7 Nigerian Women Share The Moment They Knew Their Man was “The One”

For years, Gabriella*(30) spent all her income providing for her family of eight. Things changed when she hit a rough patch in 2024, lost her life savings and had to move back home.

In this story, she shares how her family turned on her because of her reduced financial capability, which has taught her a valuable lesson.

This is Gabriella’s story, as told to Boluwatife

My family situation has always been somewhat unusual.

As a child, I grew up with my grandparents because my parents had separated. I only started living with my dad and his family when my mum passed away in 2007. Then, he lost his job in the civil service a few years later, which signalled the beginning of a financial struggle that lasted for years.

Things nosedived quickly, and even feeding became difficult. My dad’s job loss was due to some fraud allegations, so he spent all his time fighting to be reinstated into the civil service. When he wasn’t doing that, he took on menial jobs while my step-mum tried to foot the bills.

I would’ve been a secondary school dropout if not for relatives from my mum’s family who periodically stepped in to pay my fees. Their goodwill pushed me to the university in 2012, but I knew that was where it ended — I needed to find a way to fend for myself if I hoped to get a university education.

I found a job marketing for a laundromat, but my ₦10k/month salary barely kept me afloat. During school holidays, I travelled to help my aunt with her boutique so she’d give me foodstuff and clothes when it was time to return to school.

Somehow, I managed to pay myself through uni and NYSC. Then, in 2018, I returned home and took up a ₦22k/month receptionist job. That’s when my responsibilities started.

My dad still hadn’t gotten a stable job, and the number of mouths to feed at home had increased. I have four siblings, and one of my sisters got pregnant and had a baby, so everyone had to support her. By “everyone”, I mean me. The whole house lived on my ₦22k salary. Tips usually brought the total figure to around ₦60k, almost all of which went into providing for the home.

The only bill I didn’t pay was rent, and it was because we lived in our own house. Every other thing was on me. I even gave my step-mum my ATM card to withdraw money at will. My workplace didn’t allow staff to use phones at work, and I didn’t want to be unreachable if they needed to buy baby food.

It’s not like I was excited to give all my money away. I felt drained, constantly telling myself I couldn’t afford anything because my family needed the money. I didn’t like being unable to move out or afford a master’s degree, but I had to consider my nephew. If I didn’t take care of the family, he’d starve.

However, I knew I had to move out if I hoped to reduce my responsibilities at home. So, I started deliberately keeping money aside for a new apartment. My tips grew my income over the years to an average of ₦100k/month, and I stopped depositing the full amount into my account. My stepmum still had the ATM card, so I ensured the account always had at least ₦50k.

By 2022, I’d saved enough money to move out. Fortunately, my dad also got reinstated into the civil service that year, and things started looking up. I left the hotel and did a two-month stint as an executive assistant at an NGO for ₦30k/month before moving to a travel agency for ₦80k/month.

My responsibilities at home reduced — I also collected my ATM card back — but my siblings still often called for money, and I always answered. By January 2024, I decided I was tired of working for people. Up until then, I’d always worked in toxic environments. I thought starting a business and being my own boss would be better.

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I had ₦800k in savings, and I decided it was enough to move to Uyo and start an interior decoration business selling raffia mats and designs. The idea of moving states came from two reasons.

First, I wanted to rebuild my life from somewhere new. Secondly, Uyo was better for my business. I could source raffia materials there at a cheaper price and maximise profits. I just needed to relocate, buy a few samples and post them on social media to get clients. It felt like a solid plan.

My sister stayed in Uyo, so she helped me get an apartment. I paid ₦250k for the rent and total package, and another ₦60k to move my things from our state to Uyo. The rest of the money was supposed to get basic furniture and start my business. But things didn’t exactly go as planned.

First of all, the apartment was completely terrible. I didn’t see the house before paying; I only got pictures. It was also after the issues started that my sister said she hadn’t visited the house either. She just saw the pictures and told me to pay.

It rained the first night I spent in the house, and the whole place leaked all night. The rain destroyed all my properties. When I tried to get a refund, it turned out that the previous tenant had inflated the rent by ₦100k and run away with the money. I tried every means to locate him, but he’s still at large. Even the ₦150k actual rent, I didn’t get back because the landlord claimed he didn’t do refunds and that he’d fix the roof. He never did.

I spent about three months in that house, during which time I had to arrange my mattress in one corner because of the terrible leaks and wake up several times during the night to pack water to stop the room from flooding.

There was also no electricity in the whole area, and I had to spend ₦500 almost daily to charge my phone and power bank. The lack of sleep and stress soon began to tell on me, and I was constantly sick and spending all my money on medication.

I couldn’t even push the business because I was always tired and frustrated. My phone was also constantly low because of the power situation, and customers couldn’t reach me.

Ultimately, I lost motivation, packed my things and moved back to my dad’s house in September 2024.

I came back with zero naira to my name. Since then, I’ve been trying to get into remote work. I’ve taken a few courses and gotten a few remote customer service gigs, but income hasn’t been consistent. My finances aren’t how they used to be, and my family’s new behaviour is a constant reminder.

My dad’s finances are stable now, and while I’m glad no one has to depend on me anymore, I can’t help but notice my family treats me differently now that they don’t “need” me. The respect is gone.

Besides my dad, everyone looks at me like someone who prefers to depend on them rather than go outside to work and make money. They don’t grasp the possibility of making money from home.

Last month, I travelled to my sister’s school to check on her because she was ill. One night, she left her phone charging on the floor, and I accidentally came across some messages between her and my other sister in Uyo.

I couldn’t believe what I read. My sisters were discussing me and saying things like, “If she had a job she was doing, would she leave the house to come and look after you in school?” They said my mates were travelling out and having something stable in their lives, while I was comfortable sitting in my father’s house.

They also said I hadn’t done anything for them, forgetting that at some point, I literally carried the burden of the whole family. Despite my financial situation, I still sent them money sometimes, but I guess it stopped being enough.

I’m really pained by how my family turned on me so quickly, but it’s also fuelling my determination to get something stable again. I’m working hard to improve my skills and land well-paying remote jobs so I can afford to move out again — permanently, this time.

I spent my 20s looking after family, and in just a few months of financial hardship, they turned their backs on me. I’m working towards improving my finances, and when that happens, I don’t intend to be responsible for anyone ever again.

I’ll never take on anyone’s bills anymore because ultimately, they’ll throw my help to my face if anything goes wrong and make it look like I never did anything. They’ve taught me a lesson, and it’s good I know where I stand now. My breadwinner days are over.

*Name has been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: My Family Resents Me for Becoming the Breadwinner After My Parents Retired

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This is Alma’s story, as told to Mofiyinfoluwa.

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This is Dayo’s story, as told to Adeyinka

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“Eating, sleeping, and even breathing is difficult” — *Adam, 29

“I don’t have the right to grieve him” — *Farida, 25

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“I fear I’ll forget her face one day” — *Zoe, 24

“I miss the future I’ll never have with him” — *Dan, 28

“I still reach for my phone to call her” — *Ifeoma, 45

“I cry in the bathroom when no one’s watching” — *Sylvie, 23

How to Live With Grief Without Losing Yourself

1. Feel everything without shame

2. Create small, daily rituals that help you stay grounded

3. Don’t ghost your relationships. Be honest

4. Set boundaries, especially with people who mean well, but hurt you

5. Grief doesn’t disappear

6. Grieve privately, protect publicly

Bottom line

This is Toluwani’s story as told to Betty

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Table of contents

Simple and Short Condolence Message

Condolence Message for Loss of a Parent

Condolence Message for Loss of a Spouse or Partner

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Condolence Message for Loss of a Sibling

Condolence Message for Loss of a Child

Condolence Message for Loss of a Friend

Condolence Message for Loss of a Pet

Religious Condolence Message

Professional or Formal Condolence Message

Condolence Message for Social Media

How To Write A Condolence Message

1. Start simple

2. Say something kind or personal

3. Offer comfort, not clichés

4. Let them know they’re not alone

5. End with warmth

5 Questions about Condolence Messages

1. When should I send a condolence message?

2. Is it okay to send a condolence via text or social media?

3. What if I didn’t know the person who died well?

4. Should I mention the cause of death?

5. Is it okay to include religious phrases?

How long have you been with your partner?

How did you meet?

It’s giving whirlwind romance

Is there a reason you feel you should’ve gotten to know each other better first?

Wiun! What are your financial situations like?

What kind of money conversations do you and Darryl have?

It sounds like you don’t want him to know how much you earn

Yeah. Why?

I assume Darryl doesn’t know about this plan

What does that safety net look like right now?

You mentioned dates and gifts earlier. Do you have a budget for those?

How are you both thinking about future plans for your relationship?

How about what you’d like your finances to look like in the future?

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“Prophets keep warning me about my mother-in-law, but I don’t tell my wife” — *Musa, 49

“I found a lump in my breast but never told my husband” — *Ronke, 42

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“I’ve gotten two salary raises this year, but my wife doesn’t know” — Chuka, 33

“My wife doesn’t know I spend part of my salary the day I get paid on myself” — *Victor, 37

“My ex sent me a huge gift before my wedding. My husband doesn’t know” — *Grace, 29

“My queer friend saw my brother-in-law on Grindr. I’ve told no one” — *Busola, 34

“I used to be a cultist in uni. My wife has no idea” — *Segun, 35

Tell me how you and Tinuade* hit it off.

That’s cute. What were the dynamics of this situationship?

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So what went wrong?

That’s awful, I’m so sorry. How did that make you feel?

Did you ever ask her what happened or what triggered it?

Wow. What’s your relationship with her like now?

Has this affected the way you navigate romance and relationships?

How do you mean?

What has it been like since you changed?

Would you ever consider getting back together with Tinuade if she came to apologise?

“I just knew in my heart that I would always love this person” — Damisi* (30)

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