1. When you bump into a cute guy at store only to hear “abi you’re blind”.
2. When you lean in for the first kiss only for someone in the background to shout “ashawooooo”.
3. When you kiss in the rain and now you have a cough and cold….
4. … And your weave is still itching 4 days later.
5. When he tries to run after you in the airport only to get slapped by a soldier for “trying nonsense”.
6. When his mother doesn’t like you and instead of saying “I love her mum” he gives you red card.
7. When the romantic music in the background is Terry G’s “Knack you akpako”.
8. When you pour your heart out in the dramatic scene only to hear “so that’s why you are shouting”?
9. When you try to do “if you love him, let him go” and he doesn’t come back…
10. .. But is getting married instead, to one girl with a bigger bum than you.
11. When you quit your job to chase your dreams but this is Nigeria so your dreams cannot do anything for you.
12. When you try to go on a long romantic drive only to enter 4 hour traffic.
13. When you meet the love of your life and now his girlfriend is subbing you on social media.
14. There are no young, rich, handsome AND single men here. All are married.
15. If you think we are lying, try and live your life like a rom-com in Nigeria. We will be here to laugh at you.
1. All those new year resolutions that tried to kill you, like working out every day and cutting out rice.
2. Onigbese friends that have a PHD in owing you money.
3. Your ex that thinks because it’s the month of Valentines he can slip into your life.
4. Unplanned aso-ebi and hen night shenanigans, because you can’t kill yourself.
5. Fighting in the comments sections of blogs with people you don’t know.
6. All those “my dog doesn’t bite” friends with their 3 hungry Rottweilers.
7. Bosses that owe salary with confidence.
8. Family group chats where your single status is discussed every other day.
1. According to my mother’s prophet, our stars are not compatible.
2. I consulted with my coven, and they feel it’s best we go our separate ways.
3. My spirit husband said I have been paying too much attention to you and so our time is up.
4. You know that time I said I loved you, I was joking and it has gone too far.
5. I’m married and my husband has put magun on me.
6. My mother had a dream….
7. The group chat has decided it’s time for you to get to stepping.
8. I don’t want to have to use you for rituals, so I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways.
9. My father said if you come near me again he will kill you.
10. I now realise that I prefer your brother.
1. So you are busy minding your business.
2. And all of a sudden, someone comes to declare their undying love for you!
3. Normally, you would be happy oh!
4. But in this case, you don’t feel the same way.
5. So now you are wondering what to do.
6. Firs of all, there is no need to shout!
7. Remain cool, calm and collected.
8. Then thank them for their interesting declaration.
9. Now you have a few options from here.
10. Firstly, you can run away and keep running whenever you see them.
11. Secondly, you can sit down and start talking about your spirit husband and kids.
12. Finally, you can say you’re unavailable and wish them the best ….
13. But that would be mature, and we don’t do that here.
1. When you wake up happy because you have some amazing leftovers for breakfast.
2. When you keep trying to enjoy your food on a date and your boyfriend is trying to bond.
3. When you have to choose between buying an impromptu present for your boyfriend and more food for you.
4. When your boyfriend buys you food to apologise after a fight.
5. When you go out to eat and your boyfriend starts eating off your plate.
6. When you are sad and someone brings you your favourite meal.
7. Then your boyfriend calls to try and make you feel better.
8. When people call you a wobia.
1. When your parents are arguing and suddenly look at you for support.
2. When the bus conductor slaps the passenger beside you.
3. When you see your oga’s wife kissing someone else at a restaurant.
4. When you see your cousin’s husband at a shopping mall with one babe … that is not your cousin.
5. When you hear your neighbour talking about putting his family’s savings into the next batch of MMM.
6. When you overhear your in-law’s dad talking about his second family in Magodo that no one knows about.
7. When you see your pastor’s daughter climbing pole in the club.
8. When you overhear your landlord’s son trying to sell one of his father’s houses in the village without his consent.
9. When you see a sack letter for your manager on a HR colleague’s laptop.
10. When your boss’s wife slaps him outside the office for chasing small girls.
1. So after weeks of phone calls and thousands of messages…
2. …. And gazing at each other with love struck puppy eyes.
3. Your crush finally asks you on a date.
4. One of your daft friends suggests you say no so he doesn’t think you are easy.
5. But you know that one is an enemy of progress so you ignore her.
6. You, searching for something to wear.
7. When you get to the restaurant and see him looking cuter than you remember.
8. And the conversation is even better than before.
9. You, trying to decide what to eat.
10. When he goes to the bathroom and hasn’t come back after 45 minutes.
11. You, realising you’ve been left to foot the bill.
12. When your friends ask you how the date went.
13. When next someone asks you out to dinner, you’re like:
1. So you overhear your mother talking about you to her friends.
2. And you realise the woman doesn’t really know you like that!
3. So you decide to rectify the situation.
4. Before she hears about some of your antics and is like:
5. So the next time she asks you about that ugly dress she really loves…
6. … you say “sorry ma but it’s a no form me”.
7. And then you finally admit that you suspect that her “prophet” is a fraud oh!
8. And now she’s praying for the safety of your soul like:
9. Then you finally admit you have a boyfriend.
10. And when next she asks you were you’re going you actually tell her the truth.
11. Now she is looking at you all the time like:
12. But you are happy and can sleep like a baby, now that you have stopped lying!
13. At least for the most part!
1. When you have to organise date nights around football matches.
2. When you joke about his favourite player and he starts crying.
3. When his team loses a match so the rest of the day he gives you attitude.
4. When he spends the time he isn’t watching football, playing football or FIFA games.
5. When your brother supports a rival team and him and your boyfriend are always arguing about it.
6. When he sees anything that has to do with his team in public.
7. When his favourite player is moving to another team, he’s like:
8. When you watch a match with him and start asking too many questions.
9. Then the next time you watch together, he feels you’re not enthusiastic enough.
10. When you complain about how much time he spends playing football games and he says his games don’t complain about how much time he spends with you.
1. When you go to the cinema and they’re shouting throughout the movie like they can enter the screen.
2. When they claim to want to “surprise you” and the date ends up being terrible.
3. When you bump into your ex at the same restaurant.
4. When the bill comes and you have 4 seconds to decide whether or not you are splitting the bill.
5. When they crack a joke and it’s rude or awkward.
6. When their real girlfriend or boyfriend comes to make a scene.
7. When LASTMA stops the car and his papers are not complete.
8. When you think it went really well and then they never call you again.
