relationships | Page 104 of 110

Being in a relationship can be a beautiful thing. But much like everything else in this life, it also has its downsides. My goal here is to list and explain all the pros and cons of relationships. So you don’t end up getting stuck in something you didn’t plan for because this is cuffing season and everywhere is cold.

Let’s start with the pros.

1. The gum-body effect.

If you ever find yourself yearning for a connection with another person? A craving for a relationship where you both love, support, and care for each other deeply? That’s normal, and you’re not alone. Most humans crave emotional bonds and the great comfort they come with. Being in a relationship with the right person, helps you achieve this.

2. The freedom to be as silly as you want.

There’s nothing worse than the first stage of getting to know people because then you’re afraid of doing some things or making certain jokes because you’re afraid of scaring them off. In a relationship, all the what-ifs, and awkwardness are all gone and you can both be as silly as you want.

3. Shared Memories

When in a relationship, doing seemingly mundane things becomes memorable just because you’re doing them with the person you love. There’s nothing better than telling a story and having your significant other complete it because you both experienced it together.

4. A loving relationship shields you from the swarm of STDs always waiting to attack.

The above image perfectly explains this entry.

And now…

1. The inability to comfortably whore around.

If you’re the kind of person that likes to “sample different pots of honey” and you thought that being in a relationship would change that but it didn’t, then you’re screwed. You’ll fight the temptation for as long as you can and then cheat, possibly giving your significant other life-long trust issues when they inevitably catch you.

2. Knowing that you now technically belong to someone else.

You can no longer do anything you want, whenever you want because you now have to take your significant other’s feelings into consideration. Same goes for your privacy.

3. Knowing that your heart can be smashed into pieces at any moment.

Basically, if you never get in a relationship, you can’t get your heart broken. Cunny man die, cunny man bury am.

4. Any other relationships in your life (family and friends) will die.

It’s a well-known fact that when a person gets caught up in a romance, all the other relationships in their life tend to suffer. This is because they start paying more time to their significant other than other people (friends, and sometimes, family).

Of course, there are a lot more pros and cons than the ones here discussed here. On an episode of the new season of our show Nigerians Talk, we asked the cast to talk about everything relationships, and they spat hard comedic truths. Check out the episode below:
Most Nigerian parent-child relationships are pretty straightforward. Here’s a typical conversation in the average Nigerian home between a parent and a child:

Parent: Do what I say.

Child: Okay.

Because the child doesn’t want to get thrown out of the house.

But variety, they say, is the spice of life. Sometimes, things need to be shaken up. As a child in a Nigerian home, it is your responsibility to challenge the status quo and keep things exciting by subtly giving your parents the middle finger. Here are a few ways you can do that.

1) Get a tattoo

Get one really large tattoo or a lot of small tattoos that cover so much exposed surface area that they know your chances of getting employed are close to zero.

2) Tell them you’re dropping out of school to follow your passion.

Make it even better by declaring that your passion is something wildly unorthodox (at least by Nigerian standards) or terribly cliche like rapper or porn star.

3) Tell them you’re gay.

A classic.

4) Tell them you don’t plan on getting married.

“Because hoe is life, Mother!”

5) Tell them you don’t plan on having kids.

“Something is REALLY wrong with you! YOU BETTER GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN!!”

6) Spike the family dinner with weed.

Or replace the cooking salt with cocaine and record the hilarious hijinks that’ll ensue after consumption.

7) Tell them you’re now an atheist.

“My child is going to hell!”

8) Tell them you want to change your last name because it sounds like the noise a blender makes.

“So Gbajimiamila is suddenly too hard to pronounce abi? Get out of my house!”

9) Tell them you got someone pregnant.

“Because I ain’t raising no babies!
Nigerian men are guilty of many things. But one of their worst sins has to be how they toast women. If you don’t believe us, just read what these sixteen women have had to deal with. “I was walking home and he just stopped his car beside me and told me to get in. When I said no he said ‘na wa o someone can’t toast you again’” – Adaugo
“There’s something wrong with Nigerian men. One used my bag to drag me to tell me I look burriful and he wants to marry me” – Teju
“He asked for my number I told him I was married he said me too I’m married with children sef.” – Seun
“When Tekno said Monica I like your supagetti then followed it up with if you like Mathematics I go teach you Karate.” – Tife
“I was at a job interview, after the interview he said he’s enjoying the way my dress is caressing my body” – Rayo
“He told me that my engagement ring looks like the one he used to propose to his wife then asked me for my number.” – Lota
“He told me that I reminded him of his daughter just before telling me to follow him up to his hotel room” – Hauwa
“I was complaining to a friend about all the house chores I had to do. He just butts in and tells me that I’m not a hard-working woman that if I were hard-working he might have toasted me” – Ebun
“He told me that I look sweet and he’ll like to lick me” – Jumoke
“He was trying to talk to me and I was ignoring him. Next thing he hissed and got up that he doesn’t blame me it’s because he didn’t bring his Benz that I’m doing anyhow” – Ijeoma
“He slid into my DMs to preach to me about exposing my body. Next thing he asked for number so he can pray with me over the phone.” – Funbi
“He told me that if he had met me before his wife he’ll have married me. But that things were not too late for me and I could still be his girl friend.” – Tolu
“He told me he saw me in his dream and when he asked his pastor, the pastor said he’s supposed to marry me. He was already married with children.” – Damilola
“Some guy paid for my food at a restaurant, as I was leaving he came to meet me that I don’t have manners because I didn’t even look for the person that paid for my food.” – Kayinsola
“My profile picture was of my sister and I. He slid into my DMs to ask for my sister’s number. When I didn’t reply he said if it wasn’t available I should just give him my own.” – Oby
“I was walking out of a restaurant and he sends a waiter to call me back. Thought it was even someone I knew only for me to get there some strange man hands me his phone and says I should put my number in it” – Oge
If you are a Nigerian woman in any part of the world, then we know you’ve had similar encounters with Nigerian men. Share!
Breakups on their own are horrible, but can you really claim to have had your heartbroken if you didn’t go through a uni breakup? We asked these ten people how their baes broke up with them in Uni and their responses broke our hearts.

“He told me that I was the reason that he was on a 1.4 G.P.A, so we broke up but he still finished with a third class” – Wande

“We had been supposedly dating for a couple of months, caught him with another babe and he said he didn’t know we were in a relationship” – Mariam

“I caught him cheating and he said it wasn’t his fault that, that’s how they are in his family and if I couldn’t accept that we should break up” – Doyin

“He got someone else pregnant by ‘mistake’” – Hauwa

“I found the Instagram page of his real girlfriend he had been dating for years, I was the side chick. Confronted him and he said I thought I knew” – Amaka

“She told me that her grandma had a dream that we should breakup, I found out months later that the grandma in question had died like ten years ago” – Lanre

“She said she wanted to focus on her studies, she started dating my roommate the week after we broke up” – Femi

“I just stopped hearing from her and seeing her around campus, it was weeks later I found out she had transferred to a school in Canada” – Osas

“He told me that if I really truly loved him deep down I had to let him go, till today I still don’t understand what that means” – Funmi

Ever been through a bad Uni breakup? Share with us let us help you deal with the hurt.
Nigerian parents have a very funny relationship with sex. Even though they’ll rather eat a stone than talk about sex, we’ve figured out when Nigerian parents would like you to start having sex.
When you are married and living in your matrimonial home.

Team virgin till marriage. Nothing else is acceptable.
When you are ready to go and meet your maker

Because that’s where they’ll send you if they catch you fornicating.
After you’ve started having children.

What you did to have the children in the first place is none of their business.
When your pastor says it’s the right time.

And we all know when our pastors say it’s ok to start having sex.
If you are a woman, once you hit the age of 30.

Because as long as their God is alive you should be in your matrimonial home by then.
When you’ve refused to marry and give them grandchildren.

Just go out into the world and get us a grandchild we don’t want to know how you did it.
There’s never an appropiate time, close your legs and face your front.

Virgin for life.
I think by now we all know Nigerian men are mostly quite crafty, especially when it comes to relationships and women.

You’d think it would be just the single men, but the married men are outchea wilding as well.
It’s like they truly believe these are the last days of seven women to one man, even though there are more men in the world now.

The greedy men don’t care about their single brothers. No o. They just want to chop dey go and kobalize somebody’s daughter.
Shey, it would even be easier to spot who is who, but these married men have now decided to be removing their rings.

After many shattered hearts and dreams, Nigerian women have had to master their ways. Sholo stupid ni.
We’ve figured out a way to help you single ladies recognize when a married man is moving to you, even when he’s not wearing his wedding ring.

The jig is up.
When you go his house and you notice that it’s suspiciously bare, my dear flee, that man is married.

No personal effects, no pictures lying around. House looking like someone took their time to make sure that nothing could be traced. Hmm…
If he has been married long enough whether he puts on his ring or not, you’ll notice a patch of lighter skin around his ring finger.

Make sure you look out for it, he can hide his ring but he can’t hide his marriage.
Sometimes he might even just move the wedding ring to another finger and claim it’s just a random ring.

Don’t be deceived, that’s his wedding ring.
You’ll notice that he’s slightly balding, slightly pot-bellied and looks suspiciously close to your father’s age but he’ll still try to convince you that he’s not married.

My dear don’t listen to him, pick up your bag and run away. That daddy is a married man with four children and one of them might even be your age.
You’ll also notice that he really doesn’t like coming out in the daytime.

Na so so night waka in hidden places. He doesn’t want his wife’s family and friends to catch you people together.
When you ask him if he’s married and he’s too quick to say no, my dear that man has already taken someone else to the altar.

Before you even say ‘mar…’, he’ll have said: “Me ke, never o, I’m still searching for the right woman, maybe it’s you”.
You’ll notice signs of a female presence in his house that’s always conveniently a sister or a cousin but you’ll never meet said sister or cousin.

His wife is in the overseas for summer and he’s only using you as summer bae.
For some reason he has refused to invite you over to his house.

You’ve also noticed that he can only leave his house at certain times. Anything past 9 and he starts panicking about how he has to go home as if he has a curfew.
Finally, the easiest thing to do is look him up on the internet.

Even if he has covered his tracks, his wife and children haven’t. You are bound to find someone’s facebook page.
My sisters, if you have any other tips for us, please share o! Before we go and enter one chance. Tweet us @zikokomag!
Nobody is more disrespected in Nigeria than a housewife, and we’ve picked today to fight for them. If you are guilty of telling housewives any of these thirteen things, we are warning you now, better stop it.
“Why are you always tired? What do you even do all day that you are tired”

Oh, I don’t know only cook, clean and raise the kids. Small thing.
“So you just seat at home from morning till night, you are enjoying o”

If you don’t know what you are talking about, why won’t you just keep quiet ehn?
“So you mean you don’t work? Your husband must be really taking care of you o”

Yeah and I’m taking care of him and our kids too, so why don’t you mind your business.
“But what you are doing is not even hard now”

Why don’t you come and give it a shot first, you are just running your mouth.
“Oh you are bored? Tell your husband to open shop for you now”

I have a first degree and two masters, owning a shop isn’t my only option.
“I wish I was like you, so so enjoyment”

But what’s stopping you from being like me. Did I hold you?
“Why are you complaining about being a housewife, is your husband not taking care of you?”

Is that what I complained about?
“You don’t know how lucky you are that you don’t have to work”

Yes because it’s just play I’m playing as I’m at home.
“Don’t you want to get yourself a ‘real’ job?”

You that you have a ‘real job’ why do you still have time to monitor other people.
“So when are you going back to work?”

When are you going to start minding your business?
“But your kids go to school now, what do you now do all day?”

Listen to your silly questions apparently.
“You should find something to do with all this your free time”

But is it your own free time?
“Me, I could never be a housewife sha”

But who asked you?
Are you a Nigerian housewife? What’s the most annoying statement you’ve ever heard? Let’s know in the comments below.
Breakups can be hard and messy, but they don’t always have to be that way. If you are stuck in a relationship you can’t seem to get out of we are here to help. We’ve come up with 10 spirit-filled excuses to get you out of it easily. Afterall who can argue with God?
“The Lord told me in a vision that you are not my missing rib”

Nobody is at fault here, it’s the Lord’s will and you can’t question the Lord’s will.
“I prayed about it and I don’t see you in my future”

Our destinies are just not aligned.
“My pastor said I should tell you that we are not compatible”

This is for your own good, don’t you want to be with someone you are compatible with?
“It was revealed to me in a dream that your soul mate is still on the way”

I’m only breaking up with you, so that you don’t miss your soulmate.
“It’s not as if I want us to break up, I just received a vision that we must break up”

It’s really out of my hands.
“I just want to focus on building my relationship with my Lord, God, Jesus Christ.”

The Lord is good all the time, and all the time the Lord is good.
“God revealed to me that it’s your best friend I’m supposed to marry in a dream last night”

There’s honestly nothing I can do about it.
“I see you as a sister in the Lord and so it’s not right for us to continue dating”

Let’s just focus on serving God.
“I just want to spend more time with God”

Abi do you want to come in between me and my God?
“It’s like God wants to call me into his service, I can feel it coming”

There won’t be space left for you once it happens.
“I don’t think we are equally yoked’

And God said we shouldn’t be with people we aren’t equally yoked with.
Which one did we leave out?
We all know Nigerian parents are hard to impress especially when it comes to approving of the kind of friends you have.

All your friends are bad gang and nobody is good enough to be friends with you except these 10 people.
The ones that have two heads and used to come first in class when you were coming second.

Your own friends were coming third and fourth and you wonder why you didn’t reach JAMB cut off for Medicine.
The ones that will join you to do housework when they come and visit.

Not the ones without home training that’ll just cross leg in front of the T.V.
The one whose future ambition was either to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer or pastor.

Dazzal the ones who chose any other professions were destined to end up as failures and your parents didn’t want you to associate with failures.
The one whose two knees touched the ground or who laid flat on the ground when they were greeting them.

Ehen omo dada.
The church worker that’s also in the choir and is a youth leader and teaches Sunday school too.

The only thing that’s remaining is for them to open their own church.
The one that only comes over when you people have assignment to do together.

Unlike the ones that’ll come and be using you are your destiny to play video games.
The friends that barbed skin, used to write names of noise makers and wore their trousers like this.

They were always class captain.
That friend that has never had sex, doesn’t know the meaning of sex and never plans on having sex.

In fact they don’t even know what alcohol is.
The friend that works in Shell, Mobil or Chevron and has already built a house for their parents.

While you, you are still there going home every weekend to beg your mummy for stew.
The ones that graduated at 21 with a first class and immediately got married and had three children.

You are there denying your parents of the chance to hold their grand children already.
And finally the one with responsible parents like themselves.

Because it’s only responsible parents that can have responsible children.
We always tell guys to “shoot your shot”. Set that P. Seize that bae. Slide into that DM. History has made men the initiators of love and relationships.
But that history is changing. Men aren’t the only ones taking a bold move. Women are coming out to stake their claim as well.

However, according to this guy, it appears we’re doing a shitty job at it.

Girls shoot the shittest shots
— … (@Unkle_K) May 24, 2017

If you’re a lady and you’re trying to shoot your shot by liking all of a guy’s pictures and tweeting at him, you’re doing it all wrong.
He just won’t plain see it.

I can never see the signs 😪
— … (@Unkle_K) May 24, 2017

If you want to successfully shoot your shot, you’re going to have to be VERY obvious with your signs. Just, maybe not this obvious:

https://twitter.com/_clvrarose/status/867447272342253569

If you’re going to try and shoot your shot, maybe don’t start a convo like this:

Girl: "hello"
Me: "heyyyy, how are you?"
Girl: "I'm good"
Me: pic.twitter.com/jWk6AitZRO
— Smish (@UncleSmish) May 24, 2017

And know that liking his pictures on IG isn’t enough:

https://twitter.com/Lord_Lightskinn/status/867491312374865920

You also shouldn’t expect him to get the hint just because you RT or like his tweets.

https://twitter.com/dephrank/status/867431866219073536

Generally, just don’t bother trying to drop any hints. Guys don’t see them.

https://twitter.com/_HeroOfStLouis/status/867496030308376576

You have to be as clear as day. No dropping small small hints like salt bae.

Instead, go straight to the point.

Lmao what exactly do you want. "Hi, I like you, can we be friends? " Shey that's what we should do?
— Tumini Abbey Ordu (@TutuAbbey) May 24, 2017

Appaz, “Hey, big head”, is also a good way to go.

she shoulda added, "Hey, Big head " 😁. That, fam, is declaration of intent.
— Temitope- The Joyful One! (@TopeSofe) May 24, 2017

But wouldn’t life be easier if guys could just take a damn hint already!

Just take the damn hint pic.twitter.com/i87RNOGnAs
— Alexis Johnson (@alexis_lorenn) May 24, 2017

Seriously guys, you might want to pay more attention to the people liking your tweets.
Don’t come and be a slacking pant like this one:

So if a female likes @ least 2 of pics then it's a sign of interest in me? Wawu! I don dull
— Obinna Isaac (@Obaino_Isaac) May 24, 2017

The truth is, when a girl likes a guy, she just tries to respect herself. Just see:
https://zikoko.com/list/25-things-happen-like-boy-youre-trying-respect/

1. The gum-body effect.

2. The freedom to be as silly as you want.

3. Shared Memories

4. A loving relationship shields you from the swarm of STDs always waiting to attack.

And now…

1. The inability to comfortably whore around.

2. Knowing that you now technically belong to someone else.

3. Knowing that your heart can be smashed into pieces at any moment.

4. Any other relationships in your life (family and friends) will die.

Of course, there are a lot more pros and cons than the ones here discussed here. On an episode of the new season of our show Nigerians Talk, we asked the cast to talk about everything relationships, and they spat hard comedic truths. Check out the episode below:

Most Nigerian parent-child relationships are pretty straightforward. Here’s a typical conversation in the average Nigerian home between a parent and a child:

1) Get a tattoo

2) Tell them you’re dropping out of school to follow your passion.

3) Tell them you’re gay.

4) Tell them you don’t plan on getting married.

5) Tell them you don’t plan on having kids.

6) Spike the family dinner with weed.

7) Tell them you’re now an atheist.

8) Tell them you want to change your last name because it sounds like the noise a blender makes.

9) Tell them you got someone pregnant.

Breakups on their own are horrible, but can you really claim to have had your heartbroken if you didn’t go through a uni breakup? We asked these ten people how their baes broke up with them in Uni and their responses broke our hearts.

“He told me that I was the reason that he was on a 1.4 G.P.A, so we broke up but he still finished with a third class” – Wande

“We had been supposedly dating for a couple of months, caught him with another babe and he said he didn’t know we were in a relationship” – Mariam

“I caught him cheating and he said it wasn’t his fault that, that’s how they are in his family and if I couldn’t accept that we should break up” – Doyin

“He got someone else pregnant by ‘mistake’” – Hauwa

“I found the Instagram page of his real girlfriend he had been dating for years, I was the side chick. Confronted him and he said I thought I knew” – Amaka

“She told me that her grandma had a dream that we should breakup, I found out months later that the grandma in question had died like ten years ago” – Lanre

“She said she wanted to focus on her studies, she started dating my roommate the week after we broke up” – Femi

“I just stopped hearing from her and seeing her around campus, it was weeks later I found out she had transferred to a school in Canada” – Osas

“He told me that if I really truly loved him deep down I had to let him go, till today I still don’t understand what that means” – Funmi

Ever been through a bad Uni breakup? Share with us let us help you deal with the hurt.

When you are married and living in your matrimonial home.

When you are ready to go and meet your maker

After you’ve started having children.

When your pastor says it’s the right time.

If you are a woman, once you hit the age of 30.

When you’ve refused to marry and give them grandchildren.

There’s never an appropiate time, close your legs and face your front.

I think by now we all know Nigerian men are mostly quite crafty, especially when it comes to relationships and women.

It’s like they truly believe these are the last days of seven women to one man, even though there are more men in the world now.

Shey, it would even be easier to spot who is who, but these married men have now decided to be removing their rings.

We’ve figured out a way to help you single ladies recognize when a married man is moving to you, even when he’s not wearing his wedding ring.

When you go his house and you notice that it’s suspiciously bare, my dear flee, that man is married.

If he has been married long enough whether he puts on his ring or not, you’ll notice a patch of lighter skin around his ring finger.

Sometimes he might even just move the wedding ring to another finger and claim it’s just a random ring.

You’ll notice that he’s slightly balding, slightly pot-bellied and looks suspiciously close to your father’s age but he’ll still try to convince you that he’s not married.

You’ll also notice that he really doesn’t like coming out in the daytime.

When you ask him if he’s married and he’s too quick to say no, my dear that man has already taken someone else to the altar.

You’ll notice signs of a female presence in his house that’s always conveniently a sister or a cousin but you’ll never meet said sister or cousin.

For some reason he has refused to invite you over to his house.

Finally, the easiest thing to do is look him up on the internet.

“Why are you always tired? What do you even do all day that you are tired”

“So you just seat at home from morning till night, you are enjoying o”

“So you mean you don’t work? Your husband must be really taking care of you o”

“But what you are doing is not even hard now”

“Oh you are bored? Tell your husband to open shop for you now”

“I wish I was like you, so so enjoyment”

“Why are you complaining about being a housewife, is your husband not taking care of you?”

“You don’t know how lucky you are that you don’t have to work”

“Don’t you want to get yourself a ‘real’ job?”

“So when are you going back to work?”

“But your kids go to school now, what do you now do all day?”

“You should find something to do with all this your free time”

“Me, I could never be a housewife sha”

Are you a Nigerian housewife? What’s the most annoying statement you’ve ever heard? Let’s know in the comments below.

“The Lord told me in a vision that you are not my missing rib”

“I prayed about it and I don’t see you in my future”

“My pastor said I should tell you that we are not compatible”

“It was revealed to me in a dream that your soul mate is still on the way”

“It’s not as if I want us to break up, I just received a vision that we must break up”

“I just want to focus on building my relationship with my Lord, God, Jesus Christ.”

“God revealed to me that it’s your best friend I’m supposed to marry in a dream last night”

“I see you as a sister in the Lord and so it’s not right for us to continue dating”

“I just want to spend more time with God”

“It’s like God wants to call me into his service, I can feel it coming”

“I don’t think we are equally yoked’

Which one did we leave out?

We all know Nigerian parents are hard to impress especially when it comes to approving of the kind of friends you have.

The ones that have two heads and used to come first in class when you were coming second.

The ones that will join you to do housework when they come and visit.