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  • For many queer people in Nigeria, relationships don’t end only because feelings fade. Sometimes, partners walk away to pursue straight relationships that feel safer or more acceptable to their families and society. In a country where heterosexuality is often seen as the only acceptable option, queer relationships can feel fragile and easy to abandon.

    In this story, queer Nigerians open up about a specific kind of heartbreak: losing a partner not because the love faded, but because they chose, or felt pressure to choose, heterosexuality. 

    “She became afraid of what we shared” — Jolade*, 25, Bisexual

    Jolade shares how her first big love fizzled out after her ex couldn’t face the reality of her sexuality and pulled back.

    “I met my former partner two years ago at church. We were part of the social media team and paired to work on a project together. In the process, we became close. We hung out even after the project ended, and it eventually morphed into something else.

    We both knew we were queer before meeting,  but that was the first queer relationship either of us had been in. It went well at first, but when we got physical, she began to pull away.

    She claimed she felt guilty about what we were doing, and insisted God wasn’t happy with us. Then she said she didn’t want to like it too much and had to stop and get with a guy while she still could — whatever that meant. We officially broke up after a year,  although things between us ended long before then.

    I was hurt for a long time after we fizzled out. I tried to shut down the part of me that liked girls, but it didn’t work. It’s been a long road to accepting myself and trying to reconcile my faith and sexuality. It’s an ongoing and perhaps lifelong process. I haven’t found closure yet. I think a door is still open in my mind for her because she was my first great love. I’m not holding my breath that she’ll come back, though.”

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    “She told me she was getting married to a man” — Rukayah*, 25, Non-binary pansexual 

    Rukayah shares the heartbreak they felt when their ex told them she was getting married on the day of her wedding.

    “My ex and I met at university. Her room was right next to mine, and we bonded over our shared love for movies and our favourite celebrities. We became best friends, and I got comfortable enough to come out to her. She came out to me as bisexual in return. 

    A short while later, we realised we had feelings for each other and started a casual sexual relationship. I didn’t think my feelings for her were so strong, but after she graduated a year before I did, I realised I wanted to make her mine. So, I asked her out, and we started dating.

    I noticed things were off when she’d say she wished I were a chishet man, so everything will be a lot easier, ’ or talk about how scared she felt to enter the relationship because she’s the first daughter of her muslim parents. They’d expect marriage from her as soon as she graduated. I didn’t think too deeply about it because I know how hard it is to be queer in a place like Nigeria. 

    Then, in May 2023, she ghosted me. I started to worry about her safety, especially her mental health. One day, I woke up to a 3:00 a.m. message from her saying she was having her wedding introduction later that day, she didn’t know how to tell me, and she was sorry. 

    I was her best friend, but she never mentioned any man. I didn’t know if there had ever been a proposal or an official engagement.

    I was gutted. A part of me always worried about our future as queer people living in Nigeria. It made me wonder where we’d end up. I stopped dating bisexual women who partner with cishet men after that. It made me develop bad insecurity and trust issues.

    I don’t think I’ve gotten any closure from that experience.  My ex wasn’t willing to talk about it after she apologised for hurting me and being selfish. I had to do the work of healing and coming to terms with the entire experience on my own. Fortunately, I’m the kind of person who loves love, and I’ve had the opportunity to love and experience some awesome people as a result. ”

    “I saw him with his girlfriend on campus” — Emeka*, 28, Gay

    Emeka recalls how his ex hurt him by not giving him the courtesy of a break-up message.

    “We met at school and got close when we took the same elective course in our third year. After class, we’d walk back to my hostel cafeteria for lunch, and soon we started hanging out  even when we didn’t have that course.

    I was attracted to him from the start, and I tried to hide it, but he constantly flirted with me when we were alone. One day, he visited my apartment off campus, and we had sex. It was amazing for me. We weren’t officially together, but we spent a lot of time together and saw each other at least once or twice a week for the rest of our third year.

    When we resumed for final year, I suddenly couldn’t reach him. He stopped visiting and ignored my messages and calls. I started to worry because I didn’t know his friends or how else to reach him. During that resumption week, as I headed to class, I saw him walking with a babe. I waved at him, and he just looked away like he didn’t see me.

    It stung, I won’t lie. I felt disposable. I still tried to contact him just to get some closure. I wanted him to at least say we were through, but he just blocked me. After that, it became tough for me to open up again. I didn’t even try to date anyone until after I graduated. I still have trust issues. I don’t fuck with bisexual or pansexual men at all. I think there’s a part of me that’s still afraid of getting dumped without a hint of care.”

    “She seemed removed from her sexuality” — Sarah*, 25, Bisexual

    Sarah shares how her first girl crush opened her eyes to her bisexuality and how she handled it when she chose another guy over her.

    “We met in school, and I was always attracted to her, but I hadn’t yet accepted that I liked women. We went to a party together off-campus, and I remember hoping I’d get to kiss her during a kissing game. She came with a guy she was seeing, but I didn’t mind because I liked him too.

    After that, we became friends who sometimes made out, but nothing more. In public, she spent more time with the guy. I still liked her, but the more we talked, the more I noticed that she had distanced herself from her queerness, and that’s not where I am at all. 

    I’m comfortable with my sexuality and don’t feel any need to compensate or hide. I’ve moved on and kept exploring my options. The experience with her didn’t really affect how I saw myself or my identity. I was hurt when I realised that she wasn’t going to choose me, but that was about it.”

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    “She popped out on Instagram with a boyfriend” — Wura*, 24, Non-binary Lesbian

    Wura shares how their situationship ended when their ex started dating a guy out of fear of being outed.

    “I met her at a party off campus, and we were immediately drawn to each other. She told me she was bisexual and joked that I’d ruin her for boys after we kissed. She was still deep in the closet when we started our situationship. She didn’t like me touching her in public, but I thought she was just being careful because of how homophobic people can be, especially in the North.

    One day, during a visit to her hostel, her roommates were joking about the way I  dressed and asked her if I was her husband. She laughed, but I felt something change between us after that. She started pulling back and took longer and longer to respond to my messages. Then, one day, she stopped replying altogether.. 

    I’d already started to worry after a week of no contact when one of our mutual friends sent me a link to her post. She’d hard-launched a boyfriend on her page. 

    It felt like whiplash. I tried to reach out to her for an explanation, but she just kept saying she was sorry. I got upset and blocked her everywhere for my peace of mind. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten closure from that split. We weren’t even official, so it feels like mourning something that never was. 

    It made me feel a bit insecure, but I’ve since overcome that, thanks to my community. I understand her fear, though. I just wish she’d tried to talk to me about it so we could end things properly. It hurt, but thankfully, I’m over it.”

    See what other people are saying about this article on social media.

    We’re creating something Nigeria has never had: a comprehensive, data-backed report on how young Nigerians really experience love, dating, marriage, and relationships.

    But we need your voices to make it happen. Whether you’re: single and navigating the dating scene, in a relationship trying to figure it out, married and living the reality, divorced and healing, engaged and planning your future, your experience matters. This survey is 100% anonymous. Participate here to help shape the national conversation about love in Nigeria.

    READ ALSO: 5 Nigerian Women on the Frequency of Sex Before and After They Got Married

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Adaeze* (21) and Angel* (23) were roommates who fell in love along the line. In this episode of Love Life, they talk about developing feelings during the ASUU strike, hiding their romance from their other roommates and navigating religious guilt and internalised homophobia. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    Tell me your first impression of each other 

    Adaeze: It was September 2021, the beginning of a new school session. She was one of the last people to move into our room, but immediately she came in, she started smiling and talking to everyone as if she’d known us before. 

    Angel: The first time I saw her, I didn’t even think we’d have a good relationship. We didn’t talk as much as I did with my other roommates. She didn’t seem like a social person. 

    The first night we had a conversation, she was saying some homophobic things, so I thought we’d be cordial at best. 

    Adaeze: Yet here I was thinking we’d be friends. I liked the energy she brought into the room. She may have wanted to just be cordial, but I was determined to get to know her better. 

    How did the shift from roommates to friends happen? 

    Angel: The next day, we got a chance to actually have more one-on-one conversations over time. We had this “midnight friendship” where we’d be up together when everyone else was asleep, talking about how our day went. She’s such a good listener. 

    Before I knew what was happening, I was looking forward to having conversations with her. She was so sweet, constantly getting things I wanted and going out of her way to make sure I was comfortable. She’d lay my bed for me or get me food when I’m hungry. 

    Adaeze: I think it dawned on me how close we’d gotten when her birthday rolled around. She’d resumed school a week to her birthday, so of course, we barely knew each other by then, but I wanted to buy her a gift. 

    I kept fighting the urge, so I eventually ended up not doing it. I regretted it so badly because I didn’t think she got as much care as she deserved. Whatever I’d have given her would’ve made a significant difference. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want her to think I was crazy or for her to interpret my actions wrongly. 

    In the past, I’d cared so much about the female friends in my life that people made jokes that I liked girls. It always scared me and hurt my feelings. 

    Angel: It’s not like it stopped you because you bought me food every night from a place I mentioned I liked. 

    Adaeze, why did the jokes bother you? 

    Adaeze: I was scared they were right and I actually liked girls. It was an internal battle because I knew I liked boys, and I thought it could only be one or the other. That’s when I learnt about being bisexual and that was scary too. 

    I’m a Christian. All my life, I’d been taught liking the same sex was wrong. That’s why when Angel helped me point out I had feelings for my best friend, I was so sad. It felt like I had this huge secret I had to spend the rest of my life keeping. 

    Angel: I remember when she came to meet me about her problems. It was February 2022, just before we went on strike. Her best friend had gone on a date with a man, and Adaeze had been sulking the entire day. She’d cooked food at around 5 p.m. and was about to eat when her best friend came back. Someone who’d not eaten all day, she left the room to meet the babe and even slept there. When she came back around 12 p.m. the next day, she kept complaining to me about how hurt she was by her friend going on a date. 

    I couldn’t believe she was so oblivious to her feelings. Everyone in the room could tell she had feelings for her best friend, but not Adaeze. She thought it was just “friendship”. 

    We talked about it and she realised her feelings were not the type you’d have for a friend. Seeing her so hurt about it hurt me too. I wished I could make all her pain disappear. It also made me aware of how jealous I was of their relationship. I had a crush on Adaeze, and I wanted her to feel as strongly for me as she did for this babe. 

    Adaeze: My midnight friend was my only confidant during that period. No matter how busy she was with school and work, whenever I told her I needed to talk, she’d drop everything and attend to me. Then the strike happened and our conversations didn’t immediately translate well over text. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Finally Met Up Because of Christmas Chicken

    What was it like? 

    Angel: Too much time at home, so I was depressed and unable to text. We didn’t talk as much as we did when we were in school. 

    Adaeze: We’d reply each other’s statuses and check in once in a while. 

    Angel: But then, we started calling each other and the conversations were much better. We could be on the phone from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. I don’t think a day went by without us speaking to each other. Even if it was just to see how the other person was doing.  

    Adaeze: Initially, we mostly discussed the issues I had with my best friend, but over time, it became “I just want to hear Angel’s voice.”

    Angel: Sometime in May, I jokingly said that I liked her but was going to suppress it because of her feelings for the other babe. From then, she started to question her feelings towards me and admitted it was beyond platonic. 

    Did it go beyond declaring feelings for each other? 

    Angel: In August, she asked me to be her girlfriend, but we broke up about a month later. Small love wey everyone dey love, e reach my turn, I chop breakfast. 

    Adaeze: I got back from church one day, feeling really bad about being bisexual.  I knew I wasn’t myself, and I didn’t want to carry that energy into our relationship. So I broke up with her. 

    Angel: While I was hurt, I understood how hard it was for her. If there’s anything I’m sure of in my life, it’s that I love her and she loves me just as much. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

    How was it like when school resumed? 

    Angel: I was so excited to get to see her again. The strike was eight long months, and I missed her. We’ve been unable to stay apart. We’re always cuddling or just staying together, marvelling at each other. 

    I remember when she got dressed to go to church one day, but when she realised it meant leaving me, she sat back down and said she couldn’t go. 

    Adaeze: We talked over the phone throughout my journey to school, and she was the first person I wanted to see as soon as I arrived. I was worried how the other roommates would handle it, but she reminded me that we already spent so much time together and liked each other’s company. That it was nothing new for our roommates to see us being together. 

    Angel: We try to behave so our roommates don’t suspect too much, but behaving is hard. The attraction we share is really strong. Sometimes, she just finds herself on my bed, her hands on my thighs. Other times, it’s me on her bed, unwilling to let go of her.

    Adaeze: Her presence soothes me, and I try to hold on to it for as long as possible. 

    How’ll you describe your relationship?  

    Angel: We’re great friends, and I never want that to change, so we’ll stick to being friends who love each other.

    Adaeze: It’s like honey the world will let us taste and enjoy but won’t let us keep. 

    Angel: In an ideal world, I’d be in a committed relationship with her. I just want to live and do everything with her without having to jeopardise our safety or relationship with family.

    Adaeze: The ideal world is where I get to watch her sleep, be beside her when she wakes up, do all the work and make so much money she won’t need to work. I want to buy her anything she’ll ever want and ensure she’s treated like the princess she is. 

    I want to raise kids with her. Kids who’ll be such a plus to the world and consider themselves lucky to be raised in a home full of love. Whenever Angel walks into a place, it becomes paradise, so our kids will be raised in paradise.

    God, abeg. How’d you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10? 

    Angel: 9 and a half for me. Even though we can’t be together right now, there’s love here and it keeps me at ease. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and on most days, I don’t want to be alive. But when I’m around her, I feel alive and unbothered about everything. The remaining half is for the homophobia that pops up to give us a reality check that there’s a price to pay to be together as we want.

    Adaeze: 9. I feel safe, loved and looked out for. Loving her is so easy because she gives me reasons to day after day. She doesn’t stress me over anything. She’s so smart and thinks ahead about how I’ll take things when she says/does anything. 

    The remaining 1 is because of homophobia too. Knowing that just the existence of our love puts our lives at risk hurts me. If I could, I’d create a world just for us, where we could be anything we want without the fear of discrimination. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love