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  • So you’re a Nigerian who has decided to join the Nigerian police.

    Yay.

    I’m going to ignore the brain damage that most likely caused you to make this decision and just move on to the list of things you need to know before you join the force.

    Things like:

    Your uniform must be badly-tailored:

    If you’re on the heavy side with a pot belly, your shirt and trousers must be tight so it looks like your buttons could give way at any second and fly in all directions like bullets. If you’re skinny, your shirt and trousers must be at least 3 sizes too big so whenever you move, it looks like floating clothes on a hanger.

    Plant yourself on strange roads so you can stop cars and harass the people in them for money.

    Of course, you won’t just say “Give me money!” like that. Start by asking them for obscure car documents you know they won’t be with. If they happen to have these documents, break the ice with a terrible joke and ask them to give you something for the weekend.

    If they don’t have the documents, ask them to drop money to get themselves out of “trouble.” If they call you out on your bullshit (which, make no mistake, you are full of), refer to the image above for your next line of action.

    Do what ever it takes to get that egunje.

    It’s usually never more than ₦200 but that shouldn’t stop you from doing whatever you can to get it. Even if that means shooting up a bus full of innocent people.

    Plant yourself at strange corners so you can stop and harass random (young) people.

    You could use the usual criteria (dreads, piercings, expensive laptop and/or phone, etc) or you can just look in their eyes and see the guilt in them
    using the telepathic abilities they gave you in training school. Also, abuse your power even further by going through their personal belongings e.g. phones, computers, bags etc.

    Freak the fuck out when anybody speaks anything to you that isn’t pidgin English.

    According to your enabler, Yomi Shogunle.

    Sit in a corner close to your station and drink insane amounts of hot cheap beer, ensuring that no one can tell the difference between your station and a kidnapper’s den.

    Not that there’s a difference.

  • If you are a part of the very small percentage of Nigerian adults who have their lives put together enough to make budgets, we have a thing or two to tell you. While you might think that you’ve covered all your bases. You’ve made a budget for food, transport even Friday night faji, there are a couple of key things you are leaving out of your budget that could ruin your finances.

    The second cloth you have to buy after your tailor takes the aso-ebi you bought for a wedding and travelled with it.

    Please, when are we going to come together as a people and boycott Nigerian tailors?

    The extra tyre you need to buy after that deep pothole on your street finally tears your tyre.

    And the second one you’ll buy after the same pothole tears the new one.

    If you thought you’ll need only 10k fuel for the month double it, because the transformer on your street will blow and you won’t have light for three months.

    And you’ll still contribute for NEPA people to come and fix the transformer.

    Drugs for malaria you only got because your street has been flooded for the past two weeks.

    By the time you get your hospital bill, you’ll wish you just stayed home and prayed the malaria away.

    The third and fourth internet subscriptions you have to pay for because the first two start moving mad.

    Then you go back to the first two when the third and fourth one starts misbehaving too.

    The funny sound your generator starts making even though you only serviced it last week.

    You’ll think it just needs to be serviced again until your gen guy tells you, you need to replace the carburetor.

    When someone steals wires from the NEPA pole on your street and you have to contribute to pay for it.

    You also have to settle the NEPA guys who will come and fix it.

    The new phone you have to buy because they obtained your old one in traffic.

    Shebi if the traffic was moving the thief won’t have seen road to collect your phone.

    When your rent is due on January 1st and your landlord tells you on the 31st that he’s increasing the rent.

    After you’ve used all your extra money for December rocks.

    Getting that message from your younger brother, sister asking for money.

    Me sef I need epp.

    The borehole in your compound just suddenly stops working because the last plumber to fix it used fake parts.

    And you just fixed it last month,

    All the people you have to settle just so you don’t die on the line collecting things like your driver’s license or passport.

    And they’ll still ask anything for the boys after you’ve settled them.

    Settling police so they can release your friend they carried for no reason.

    They said because he was using an iPhone he must be a yahoo boy.

    The side mirror of your car you have to replace because one danfo guy trying to overtake you hit it.

    After hitting it he started rolling on the floor using God to beg you.

    Having to replace the compressor of your freezer because NEPA blew it.

    And the surge protector you bought was fake.

    NEPA bringing a 90k bill for you even though they only gave you light twice that month.

    If you don’t have a prepaid meter go and get one now.

    Did we leave anyone out?

  • Uncle Yemi Osinbajo has done it again. This time, he has shown out for guys about the dreadful SARS situation.

    Why does it seem like whenever Baba Bubs goes on one of his frequent medical trips, things just seem to work a little better? Somebody help me say political gimmicks good governance.

    On Tuesday August 14, the Acting President aka Uncle Yemi gave directives to the Inspector General of Police, Ibrahim Idris to overhaul the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (SARS).

    We were shook!

    Especially because all our complaints had always been brushed off as false or exaggerated.

    Just a few weeks ago, Assistant Commissioner of Police, Yomi Shogunle still trolled Nigerians with this irresponsible tweet. He should better switch careers if he wants to be making silly jokes online.

    Oh, you remember SARS, the police unit that was so infamous for their abuse of power and Nigerian citizens, we had to write you a survival guide?

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BcUyVmPn2NS/?taken-by=endsarsmovement_now_

    This is just one of the many, many videos people have used to back their complaints. Let’s not even go into pictures and narratives. But we’re all lying, hey. The #EndSARS movement has been going for at least two years! Nonstop police brutality for two years.

    While we’re overjoyed that our pleas and relentless #EndSARS campaign finally made some headway, we still have some doubts.

    Way too many people have been unlawfully killed, jailed and extorted for us to just accept it, and things are often not what they seem in Nigeria. Gotta stay woke.

    First of all, it is important to note that this overhaul doesn’t mean the police department is going to be scrapped.

    This overhaul is more like a reform. In summary, the state SARS will be broken down and the officers reassigned to the already existing Federal SARS (there will only be FSARS). I know what you’re thinking, but chill. We are told that this is only going to be after investigations into the existing abuse allegations have been done, as well as mental evaluations and retraining.

    Again, I know what you’re thinking, because even the Federal SARS people abuse the citizens.

    The new FSARS is to be strictly intelligence-driven and their duties are to be restricted to the prevention and detection of armed robbery, kidnapping, and apprehension of offenders related to the stated offences. Nothing else.

    At least that’s what they’re telling us. Me I’m only a reporter.

    How are the illegal arrests going to stop, you ask?

    Well, the new FSARS officers are now mandated to go about bearing proper identities. They will have a ‘new’ uniform so there will be no more random black-polo-clad-hoodlum-looking-ass-niggas jumping out of unmarked space buses. At least this will curb the possibility of the officers being impersonated by armed robbers and such. Also, THEY ARE NO LONGER AUTHORISED TO STOP AND SEARCH! Let’s forget the fact that I still saw the same SARS doing that just yesterday.

    What can we do if we still get harassed?

    Call the police lol. Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this. This is a commendable move on Uncle Yemi’s part, but we worry about the enforcement and implementation. Hopefully, this is not just another one of those reforms that don’t change anything at the end of the day.

    And if you’re like me that is happy about this development but still believes this is just pre-election gra-gra and doesn’t trust anything this government does, I hope you’ve gotten your PVC o!

    If you haven’t, there are two more weeks for you to register. Hurry! If you need any help, we gatchu!

  • 1. VIP’s like Charlie Boy and Seyi Law were there

    They know if they touch them, na trouble!

    2. When the police saw oyinbo people present, they were like:

    Who wants to touch oyinbo pepper and get sacked?

    3. Nigerian police looking at all the Channels and TVC reporters flying around with their cameras

    ”Don’t camera me oh!”

    4. The protestors were playing mad jams

    From Fela’s ‘Zombie’ to Eedris Abdulkareem’s ‘Jaga jaga’, the policemen could barely stop themselves from dancing.

    5. The protests were also very, very peaceful

    Not a single tout or agbero in sight!

    6. Also, their big bosses were there

    https://twitter.com/jag_bros/status/828703719902560256
    All the ogas at the top!

    7. They probably wanted to join the protests too, but the work will not allow

    Aren’t we all in this suffering together?

    BUT to be quite honest, the Nigerian Police really made us feel secure at the protests.

    Whether it was because their bosses were around or not, they did very well. There were hundreds of them from the National Stadium down to the National Theatre at Iganmu, and there was a police helicopter circling the skies all through. They just stood on the sidelines, silent and watchful. In their eyes, though, was a solidarity they could not fully express because of the nature of their work. For once, the police truly was our friend.

  • 1. When you are trying to sleep but mosquitoes are using your body as a midnight snack

    2. When you wake up and you are drenched in sweat because you had to sleep in heat.

    3. Then you go to take a shower and water isn’t coming out of your tap.

    4. Meanwhile you have gotten more letters talking about an increase in taxes and estate fines.

    5. Then you have to face hours of traffic to get to the office.

    6. When you get to the office and your boss is not around, you’re like:

    7. Then he strolls in an hour to closing and gives you 4 hours of work.

    8. And casually ignores the fact he is owing you 2 month’s salary.

    9. Then your dad’s cousin calls you to ask you why you have not yet married.

    10. And your friend that hasn’t paid back one loan is asking you very rudely for another one.

    11. When you get home you realise a power surge has spoiled almost all your electrical appliances.

    12. Which means you were sold a fake stabiliser.

    13. Now all the food in your fridge and freezer are spoilt.

    14. Only for your landlord to call compound meeting that he is increasing rent with immediate effect.

    15. Then one of your cousins has arrived unexpectedly from the village and expects to stay with you.

    16. You put on the news and government officials don’t have anything encouraging or sensible to say

    17. And now NEPA has taken light so you start the cycle all over again.

  • Just like us, this Twitter user, Ms Nemah, was minding her business, when kasala came to her door step o!

    That’s how I entered problem this evening..

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    She was jejely enjoying her pepper soup when her beggy-beggy flatmate came to ask for some.

    So I was having peppersoup for dinner and my oyinbo flatmate said he wanted… pic.twitter.com/2enQ9bVcvA

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    And because oyinbo people and pepper aren’t best friends, she warned him before giving him to eat o.

    I told him its spicy oo. He said NO he can handle spice, he loves spice. I was like pic.twitter.com/QYZp1nJbc8

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    But he didn’t hear word o!

    Then I gave him the peppersoup, 1min in he was like YEAH! I love it, blah blah blah. 2mins in he was o it’s really hot. Can’t stop

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    3 minutes later…

    3mins in he started crying, and started saying he feels like he is about to pass out..

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    They had to rush him to the hospital.

    Sha we are at Beamount surgical emergency Room… pic.twitter.com/LFRQDFchkn

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    But the hospital people weren’t playing. The nurse involved the police.

    The nurse says she has to involve the police that they are treating it as food poisoning.

    I’m dead — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    Everybody was crying up and down. The police even asked her to bring the spices she used.

    Now my flatmate says his tummy is burning, his friend is crying, Nurse lady says I should go bring the spices. I’m being escorted home.

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    That’s how they ended up in the police station.

    Update: spicies and the leftover picked.. we are going to the station

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    They seized the spices and took them for testing sha.

    They hv seized my spices and rd taking it to the lab tomorrow to test it.I’m about to eat the same thing again to make sure it’s nt poisoned

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    After all the wahala, they finally let her go.

    Update:about to let me go bt with conditions.

    I must report to the station for 3 consecutive days I must report symptom to my GP immediately — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    In the end, her oyinbo flatmate got home before her.

    Peep this guys: MY FUCKING FLATMATE GOT HOME BEFORE ME!

    — Nimah A (@MsNemah) October 12, 2016

    Perhaps, white people need to face their work instead of looking for things that can put everybody in wahala.

    “10 people died in that house”

    YT people: “I’ll take it.” “It’s called PEPPERSOUP. It’s really spicy “ YT People: “I’m sure it’s nothing” — Bite Me Ho (@Cuntosaur) October 12, 2016

    What would you do if this happens to you? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

  • Nigeria’s Police Service Commission is currently looking to add 10,000 new recruits to the current 370,000 policemen in the Nigerian Police Force.

    According to a statement by the Nigerian Police regarding its recruitment, it won’t be business as usual in the Force.

    Successful applicants to the Force will now be required to undergo lie detector tests, to ensure all applicants are not shady individuals.

    This is great in so many ways, because we actually did not expect such initiative from the Nigerian Police.

    So if you lied on your application, we are really, truly sorry for you; because unless you have strong juju, you’ll be caught.

    Other compulsory tests will include background checks, biometrics, medical and physical examinations, aptitude tests as well as oral and psychological tests.

    The NPF plans to make things easy for applicants; all Police Training Colleges across the country will be equipped to carry out the tests.

    We hope the tests are effective and the Nigerian Police Force recruits policemen and women who will face their work and not be a pain in our necks.

  • Just when we thought Nigerian police officers were the only ones that liked to form bad guy…

    And turn up like there’s no tomorrow…

    These Ghanaian officers just shocked us in this video.

    They were giving us serious moves o!

    Ghanaians, when they see the police officers twerking up and down.

    Not every time enforce law, sometimes throw home training away and turn up!

  • In case you didn’t know, The Nigerian Police recruitment short-list was released on June 2. A total of 338,227 candidates were selected for the final screening which started on June 6 as announced by the Chairman of the Police Service Commission, Mr Mike Okiro.

    What makes this screening more interesting is that about 911,000 candidates initially applied for positions available for only 10,000 people.

    On top of that, as reported by The News Agency of Nigeria, the spokesman of the Enugu state command of the Nigerian Police Force stated that over-aged people, those with some physical impediments and people with tattoos will be disqualified.

    Although this screening shows how serious the unemployment rate has gotten, we have some questions.

    Will those tattoos prevent them from keeping the law and order in the country?

    Should officers be judged based on their appearances or how well they can do the job?

    Or was this rule passed on the moral stereotype Nigerians have on tattoos?

    Is it necessary to screen out people with disabilities even if they have useful skills necessary for the job?

    What do you think about this rule? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

  • Less than 48 hours after speaking to The Punch in hiding and denying killing his wife, Mr Lekan Shonde has been arrested.

    He was pictured in police custody in a tweet shared by the Lagos Rapid Response Squad.

    More details about his arrest will come up shortly.