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  • “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a drug dealer. He talks to us about his process for baking edibles, how he almost lost a knee cap, and his plans to set up a cartel if his japa plans fail. 

    Editor’s note: The views expressed are those of the subject and in no way represent the views of Zikoko.

    MONDAY:

    Even though I spent the whole night getting high, I’m up early. I work as a baker-drug dealer, and I start my day on the “legal” side of my business — baking edibles. I sell almost everything that gets people high: brownie cookies, cupcakes, gummy bears, puff puff. The beauty is that I can publicly advertise these products as “happy brownies” or call them by another name because it’s an “if you know, you know” business. It’s through this front-facing part that customers looking to buy loud, LSD, molly —  I draw the line at crystal meth and heroin because I can’t deal with crackheads — and shrooms contact me. I take pride in my baking skills, and I’m always tweaking and challenging my recipes.

    Today, I’m making cannabutter. I heat up my flowers for 30 minutes to “wake” the weed up, then I crush it into fine particles. The next step is to melt the butter. I mix the fine particles with the melted butter under low heat for another 30 minutes until it changes colour. I’m confident that the liquid butter has absorbed all of the weed, so I strain it in a sieve. Once it cools, food is ready to be served. My plan is to use one portion of the butter to bake and to sell the other part. I take a quick glance at my phone and realise that I’ve gotten orders for cannabutter already. I thought I’d get a chance to lie down, but there’s work to be done. I’m going to have a quick shower, make plans for delivery and label my butter “prescription” keep out of reach of children. Eat with bread or fry with eggs. 

    TUESDAY:

    I once tried to grow my own batch of weed but it wasn’t cost-effective. The quality and potency of made in Nigeria weed significantly differ from the imported stuff — this country doesn’t support growth in any form. I have different plugs depending on what drug I’m looking for. I have one plug linked to a smuggler and another plug that’s the plug of all plugs. Because of the tendency for violence in this business, and the fact that I’m always looking over my shoulder, my plugs are people I’ve known for a while. One is a childhood friend while the other is someone I’ve also known for a fairly long time. My business model is simple: I collect an advance of drugs, sell and remit an agreed-upon sum at a due date. I also try to distance myself as much as possible from the product, and my business is mostly cash-based. There’s also a covert distribution system in place that I can’t reveal. 

    I spent today thinking about how you can’t be too careful in this business because if trouble comes, people will cut off your head. I don’t blame anyone for snitching — they’re not Jesus so they can’t die for me. Worrying doesn’t help anything, that’s why I’m going to distract myself by watching a movie. All I can really control is my being careful and to constantly remind the people I work with to be careful. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    I’ve gotten into all kinds of trouble from selling drugs. Police trouble. Customer trouble. And failing to meet my repayment schedule, which almost led to me losing a knee cap. It all started when I collected a batch of molly and agreed to deliver the profit in a week. Things were going smoothly until my village people looked into my matter. A few days before repayment was due, I got into an accident while making a large delivery. And I lost almost half of my stock. I panicked and went underground. When my supplier didn’t see his money, he came to my house to look for me. It was interesting because he brought a gun and was prepared to bear the loss and leave a bullet in my knee. I quickly took responsibility and explained what had happened. Let’s just say that I’m glad that I still have two functional knees.

    Thankfully, all of that is in the past now. 

    I’ve had a long day of fulfilling customer orders, and I’m looking forward to this evening. My girlfriend is coming over, and we’re going to chill and relax. Her support is one of the things that keeps me going. Not a lot of people would openly associate with a drug dealer but she’s different. In fact, one of the reasons she’s dating me is because I’m a bad boy. I guess we’re both addicted to the thrill of life. 

    THURSDAY:

    I got fucked up last night, and I wake up late today. The first thing I do is check my phone, and I see a message from one of my friends whining me about how cool my job is. I guess it’s easy to glamorise what I do because of how pop culture has white-washed drug dealing. This business is profitable enough that I can pay my school fees in millions per semester, and you can make fortunes in a year of dealing drugs because you have a repeat customer base addicted to your product. But the truth remains that it’s still a very dangerous job. I started dealing drugs because I couldn’t afford to pay school fees after transferring schools. Every day I make a sale, I keep asking myself: what if someone snitches and I get locked up forever? That’s my education down the drain. But what if I somehow see my education through? That means I’ll be set for life. These thoughts are why I’m constantly risking the odds. 

    The most difficult part for me as a drug user is the discipline to not get high on my own supply, and the grit to constantly keep my eye on the target. I pay for my drugs in full without any discount. I give myself achievement points to reach before I allow myself to buy drugs. And I never remove money without being accountable. 

    FRIDAY: 

    Policemen are your friend as long you settle them. I’ve had instances where policemen have stopped me, extorted me and tried to befriend me. Someone once gave me his number to call him anytime I got into trouble along a particular route. Another time, while being searched on suspicion of dealing drugs, a police officer was telling me he knew a plug for where to buy loud at wholesale price. It’s crazy thinking about the fact that these are the people meant to protect us. I can’t help but think that outside of drug dealers, policemen are liaising with other criminals. I’m fairly certain that kidnappers and ritualists are having a field day with the system.  

    It’s easy to judge me and say I’m ruining my life, but the system failed me. In my old university, I was told that the entry-level for graduates studying my course was ₦20,000. That’s not even enough to cover half of the cost of the professional exams I had to write. In a society where people only respect your pocket, I had to fall in line and jazz up. In a year of dealing, I’ve gone from being scorned at home to being respected. I’m now the person who takes care of utilities and stocks the house without asking anyone for nada. 

    The only reason I’m selling drugs is that I’m still in Nigeria. I’m currently working my way through school to become a full stack developer. The next step is to find my way out of this hell hole. 2022 must not meet me here. If, for some useless reason, I’ve still not escaped, I’m just going to set up my own cartel. 

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

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  • Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    If you don’t know about Eromosle “Eromz” Adene’s case, well you should. The arrest of the 27-year old musician and philanthropist has generated a lot of controversy across social media, with opinions and counter opinions on how horrible the Nigerian society is, and why the Nigerian government cannot keep abusing human rights while getting away with it.

    In case you need a complete breakdown of when, why and how Eromosele Adene was arrested by Nigeria’s police authorities, this article should be helpful.

    Read: 7 Times Nigeria Has Killed Peaceful Protesters

    November 7, 2020

    On November 10, Eromosele Adene’s sister, Onomene Adene, spoke to ChannelsTv’s Sunrise Daily, where she narrated how her brother was arrested by unnamed policemen.

    She stated that at around 7 am on Saturday 7th November 2020 she received a call from a man who stated that he formerly attended the same church with her and that he had a parcel for her dad, who was the pastor of the church.

    On leaving her house, Eromosele’s sister stated that she realised she didn’t recognise the man and that the “parcel” he claimed he had for her dad was a black nylon bag containing some items, after which she knew something was wrong.

    The man and other policemen, led by one Hamzat who is a Chief Superintendent of Police (CSP) insisted that she should take them to her brother on the claim that they bought commodities from Eromosele Adene, and that he failed to deliver the commodities after they had paid into his Zenith bank account.

    She stated that the policemen took her brother way when they got to him and that they kept claiming the arrest was about a commodities business, even when Eromosele Adene’s lawyer joined them at the house, and that it was not until they got to the police station that the police revealed that the arrest was related to the #EndSARS protests. Some social media users later claimed that he was detained at Area F police station, Ikeja, Lagos.

    November 8, 2020

    On this day, it was revealed that Eromosele Adene was transferred to Area F police station, Ikeja, to the Commissioner of Police’s office in GRA, Ikeja to Panti police station and then back to Area F police station because of space constraints.

    November 9, 2020

    On November 9, it was revealed that Eromosele Adene had been transferred to Abuja.

    In another update given on social media, FK Abudu stated that a group of lawyers were working hard on securing Ermosele Adene’s bail.

    November 15, 2020

    Eromosele Adene was transferred back to Lagos on the night of Sunday, November 15th, 2020, at around 9 pm to the Lagos State Police Command, Ikeja, so that he could appear before a Magistrate Court in Lagos. However, his family and lawyers say that the police did not notify them of the move to transfer Eromosele Adene back to Lagos.

    November 16, 2020

    On this day, Eromosele Adene was finally arraigned at a Magistrate Court in Lagos. He was charged with the offences of: criminal incitement, cyber stalking, provoking breach of public peace, and conduct likely to cause breach of peace.

    The magistrate, O. Salawu, adjourned the hearing till November 17 because she felt threatened by the media.

    November 17, 2020

    On November 17, 2020, Eromosele Adene was arraigned before the Yaba Magistrates Court amidst a heavy police presence.

    His lawyer states that he has been in police detention for 10 days and that his freedom should not depend on the time it takes for the police to investigate him.

    Eromosele Adene was finally granted bail. The bail was set at ₦1 million with two sureties of ₦1 million naira each. One of the sureties must own property and they must both be taxpayers.

    Read: 5 “Normal Things” The Nigerian Police Can Arrest You For

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old heterosexual woman who only enjoys sex in public places. After getting caught and harassed by the police, she’s been terrified of even kissing outside.

    What was your first-ever sexual experience?

    My cousin who lived with us had a porn stash. The first time I watched one of the movies was with a family friend. Watching it felt so good that we decided to practice. She humped me and it felt great. We were about 11.

    Was it just a one-time thing?

    No. We kept meeting up every Saturday to do it, but after a while, she stopped coming over. 

    Do you know why?

    I’m not sure. Maybe she was disgusted or scared. We were still friends, but we just never hung out like that again. 

    What did you do then?

    I had another neighbour who was also into it, so I picked it up with her. I didn’t really understand what was going on, so it was easy to just do it and forget about it until the next time. There was also my sibling.

    Wait! Your sibling?

    Yeah. My sister asked to try something with me once, and that was it. I figured it was something she picked up from the girls’ boarding house she was in. 

    Did your mother ever suspect?

    She didn’t, but she once caught me masturbating and all hell broke loose. She made me strip and had my father beat me. She also shamed me every day after that. 

    I am so sorry.

    I mean, it scarred me for a while, but it is all good now. 

    Most of your earliest experiences were with girls. Do you consider yourself bisexual?

    I consider myself bi-curious. I’m attracted to women and I’ve fooled around with them, but I’ve never ventured into anything serious. So, I’m not sure I can call myself bisexual.

    Fair. Did you try anything else apart from humping and masturbating?

    Oral sex too. The first two or so times men tried to penetrate me, it was hellish. So, I took my mind off it for a while and just enjoyed these other activities. Peer pressure and manipulation from the guys I messed around with eventually made me interested in penetrative sex again. 

    How did you eventually hack it?

    Well, I realised I couldn’t get maximum pleasure from sex unless my heart was beating fast from fear or a little bit of physical pain. 

    How did you even realise that?

    It was my third year in University, and I had this friend in school I was into. I attended a private Christian university and my campus was quite small, so the risk of getting caught was high. It was on top of a table and my heart kept beating. I knew there was no going back after that.

    So, the sex was good?

    Yeah, but I didn’t even have an orgasm. The risk was what made it fun for me. 

    So, where is the riskiest place you’ve had sex?

    A makeshift bathroom at a wedding. 

    Do you intentionally look for these places? 

    Well, sometimes, I scope out the places. For the bathroom, I followed my friends to touch up their makeup. While they were doing theirs, I kept thinking, ‘What part of this place will be convenient for me to have sex?’

    Does that mean every place is a potential spot?

    Yes, if it has good vibes. By good vibes, I mean relatively clean. 

    Is there any out-of-bounds spot? 

    My house. I cannot imagine having sex on a bed any of my family members have touched.

    But every other place is fair game?

    Yeah. Cars, parties or even work.

    Ah. Work too? 

    LMAO. Yup.

    My office is open, it cannot even work. They will nab you.

    Not when the person you are having sex with has friends in high places or, even better, is the friend in high places. 

    So, how does it work? Do you just approach one Segun and ask him to have sex with you on the roof?

    LMAO. No, that’s not how it happens. I guess I’ve just been fortunate when it comes to finding guys who like public sex too. Like, even just a little PDA excites me. I remember when a guy I had a thing with in uni kissed me in public. I was so excited.

    Are you still about that public sex life?

    Nah. I stopped after the police caught me one day.

    Omo. Wahala. How?

    I was having sex with a fuck buddy in his car one time. The place was known to be patrolled by the police regularly, and as I was riding this man, I noticed flashlights. He asked me to get off, but I couldn’t comprehend until I heard them shouting at us.

    I can’t imagine what was going through your mind.

    I went through a rollercoaster of emotions that day. I thought I was either going to die or get sent to jail. They kept threatening to shoot me and leave my body on the streets if I did not comply. They scrutinised my entire body, called me a prostitute and said a lot of terrifying things. 

    What did complying mean?

    It meant I had to pay them off. They separated me from my partner. While my partner was able to negotiate a lower amount, I was so scared that I was ready to pay whatever. He was even pissed off by it. 

    Ah? Was he not scared?

    I don’t even know for him. He actually tried to reinitiate sex that night, and I found it wild that he’d want to keep going even after we had just been harrased.

    How did you recover from that?

    It was hell for a while. I think I was celibate for about a year after the experience. 

    So, you haven’t had sex in public since then.

    No. Right now, I am not sure I can even kiss anyone in public again. 

    Would you want to though? 

    I think so. If I get over this trauma, then sure, but I don’t think I want public sex to be my source of maximum pleasure anymore. That’s really not sustainable.

    Have you considered therapy?

    Please, I cannot afford therapy right now. Also, I am not a very expressive person, so I don’t know how that would even work. 

    All things considered, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

    Right now, about a 5 or 6. I have a fuck buddy, and sex with him is pretty great, but sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still feel the police staring at me. It’s not a nice feeling to have. 

  • Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    The Nigerian police are always averse to protests. But things took a different turn earlier today when the Lagos State government, through its official Twitter account, stated that the Lagos State police command has vowed to resist any protests in Lagos State, under any guise or “nomenclature”.

    As expected, a lot of social media users were angry at the declaration. Many people referred to the constitution as supporting the rights of citizens to protests, and they went on about how the police and the Lagos State government were trying to stifle the rights of displeased Nigerian or protesters.

    Curiously, we decided to look at the laws that guide assembly in Nigeria, including if and when the Nigerian police can put an end to protests in Nigeria. Just maybe the police and the Lagos State government were seeing some things we weren’t.

    Read: Who Has Powers Over The Nigeria Police Force?

    1. Section 40 of the Constition

    The most important position of the law for anyone who wants to understand the position of Nigerian laws on protests is Section 39 and 40 of Nigeria’s 1999 constitution.

    Section 39 of the constitution guarantees free speech while Section 40 of Nigeria’s 1999 the constitution states that:

    Every person shall be entitled to assemble freely and associate with other persons, and in particular, he may form or belong to any political party, trade union or association for the protection of his interests.

    This provision states simply that everyone is entitled to assembly freely and associate with other people.

    However, Section 45 of the constitution states that any law against section 40 is valid if it is in the interest of defence, public safety, public order, public morality or public health, or in the interest of protecting the freedom of other people.

    So, the only thing that can affect the right to hold a peaceful protest is if the government makes a law that restricts movement in the interest of defence, public safety, public order, public morality or public health or in the interest of protecting the freedom of other people.

    But the laws on assembly are not finished.

    2. Public Order Act of 2004

    The “Public Order Act” was enacted in 2004.

    Section 1(1) of the act gives a governor of a state the power to direct the conduct of any assembly on a public road or all public places of resort in the state, and prescribe the route any procession may pass.

    Section 1 (2) also states that anyone who wants to convene any assembly or meeting or of forming any procession in Nigeria must have a licence to do so.

    The person must first make an application for a licence to the governor not less than 48 hours before the assembly, and if the governor is satisfied that the assembly is not likely to cause a breach of the peace, he must direct any superior police officer to issue a licence, not less than 24 hours to the assembly, specifying the name of the licensee and defining the conditions on which the assembly to take place.

    If he is not so satisfied, he must convey his refusal in the same manner to the applicant within the time stipulated.

    Section 1 (4) of the Act also gives the governor the power to delegate his powers in relation to the whole state or part thereof, to the Commissioner of Police of the State or any superior police officer of a rank not below that of a Chief Superintendent of Police.

    This means that a state governor has to give a licence before people can assemble in any state, and he can delegate his powers to the commissioner of police of the state.

    But the position of the law is still not over with regards to protests.

    3. All Nigeria People’s Party v. Inspector General of Police (2006)

    In this case, All Nigeria People’s Party (ANPP) took the IGP to court and challenged the constitutionality of the police permit under the Public Order Act after the police disrupted their rally.

    At the Federal High Court, the Judge stated the Public Order Act is a violation of section 39 and 40 of the constitution, and chapter 11 of the African Charter on Human and People’s Right, and the law is a violation of the right of people’s assembly to free speech.

    The judge agreed with Mr Falana, the lawyer for ANPP, that Nigeria’s criminal law should be used to prosecute violent protesters, but the rights to assemble cannot be taken away if they protest peacefully.

    The judge conclusively stated that “sections 1(2),(3),(4),(5) and (6), of the Public Order Act are inconsistent with the fundamental rights provisions in the 1999 Constitution and to the extent of their inconsistency, they are void. I hereby so declare.”

    4. In Conclusion

    The Federal High Court has held, through a continuous order, that the Inspector-General of Police, whether by himself, his agents, privies and servants cannot prevent aggrieved citizens of Nigeria from organizing or convening peaceful assemblies, meetings and rallies against unpopular government measures and policies.

    The Court of Appeal also held, on the same case, that permits for peaceful demonstrations are things of the past, and that protesting peacefully is part of the fundamental pillars of a democracy.

    It is now a settled case that peaceful protests are guaranteed under the Nigerian constitution, and are an important part of Nigeria’s democracy. And they cannot be denied except in a situation where Nigeria or part of the country is in a special emergency like a disaster.

    Quiz: What Are You Most Likely To Get Arrested For?

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  • Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    In Oko-aba, Abule-Egba, Lagos, a budding journalist, Pelumi Onifade captured Abiodun Bolarinwa, a politician, shooting at a crowd after not being allowed to address them. However, since October 20, 2020, when the incidence occurred, Abiodun Bolarinwa has still not been sanctioned.

    Today, we will explain Nigeria’s firearms act, and why Abiodun Bolarinwa should not have had access to guns.

    The firearms act was enacted in 1990. The main point of the law was that no person should be in possession of any firearm in Nigeria, except such person has a licence from the president of the Inspector General of Police.

    Some of the most important provisions of the law include:

    1. Possession of firearms

    Section 3 of the firearms act states that no person must have in his control any firearm of one of the categories specified in the Act, except in accordance with a licence granted by the President.

    The firearms in this category includes artillery, gas explosives, rocket weapons, bombs and grenades, machine guns and machine pistols, military rifles, revolvers, pistols and any other firearm that is added to the category.

    2. Possession of personal firearms

    Section 4 of the firearms act states that no person must be in possession of any personal firearm except a licence has been granted by the Inspector General of Police.

    3. Muzzle-loading firearms are prohibited

    Section 5 of the firearms act states that the Commissioner of Police of a state may, by order, prohibit the possession or use of muzzle-loading firearms.

    4. Firearm licences are not rights

    Section 6 of the firearms act states that the authorities have the right to grant a licence permit, and revoke a licence, and the licence to own a firearm may be given as the authorities may think fit.

    However, nobody will be granted licence of a firearm if the person is under the age of 17, is of unsound mind, has defective eyesight, has intemperate habits, or has been convicted of an offence relating to violence within the past five years .

    5. Safe custody of firearms

    Section 7 of the firearms act states that the licenced owner of a firearm must keep the firearm in safe custody.

    6. Prohibition in dealing in arms except by a registered dealer

    Section 9 of the firearms act states that nobody must sell a firearm in Nigeria except the person is a registered firearms dealer.

    7. Maintenance of armouries

    Section 10 of the firearms act states that registered firearms dealers must maintain armouries for the purpose of selling firearms.

    8. Sale only to licence holders

    Section 11 of the firearms act states that nobody must transfer firearms to anybody else except that person is a registered firearms dealer.

    9. Stamping of firearms sold

    Section 12 of the firearms act states that every registered firearms dealer must stamp the permit that was given to them to trade in firearms, with the person’s name, number or any other particular required.

    10. Import of firearms

    Section 17 of the firearms act states that nobody must import or export firearms through sea or air or by any other means into Nigeria, except a port in Nigeria.

    11. Restriction on import of firearms

    Section 19 of the firearms act states that no person must import any firearms or ammunition into Nigeria, except the person produces to a customs officer, the licence to import a firearm or ammunition.

    12. Prohibition of manufacture

    Section 22 of the firearms act states that no person will manufacture a firearm in Nigeria except the armed forces, established with the discretion of the president.

    13. Penalty

    Section 27 of the firearms act states that anyone found guilty of the offence of possessing a firearm without a licence is liable to a minimum sentence of ten years.

    14. Production of licence

    Section 28 of the firearms act states that anyone who has a firearms licence or is in possession of a firearm must produce it if a police officer requests it from him, and if he is unable to produce it, the offender will be fined one hundred thousand naira or sentenced to six months imprisonment.

    From the provisions of the law, it is clear Abiodun Bolarinwa should not have had access to a firearm. Section 6 of the firearms act states that a firearms licence should not be granted to a person who has “intemperate habits”, or has a lack of self-control.

    Consequently, the Nigerian police authorities have exercised a serious lack of judgement if they truly granted Abiodun Bolarinwa licence to firearms. And they owe the Nigerian public an explanation.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

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  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s Man Like is Ezra. He’s the co-founder of Paystack, a payment solution company. He talks about painting his nails, avoiding police trouble, and the struggles that come with being the first child.

    When was the first time life showed you that you were now a man? 

    I don’t know if it came as you’re a man and you have to man up. It was more like you’re the firstborn and you’re now out of school, and your siblings have to finish their education. Your dad that was responsible for everyone is no longer in the picture so you have to step up. At the time, I was earning small money while trying to pay for the education of my siblings and also give them pocket money. At some point, I think I was sending money to my mum too. 

    For me, the ultimate aim was for my siblings to become independent because I was only expecting myself to be the breadwinner for as long as necessary. 

    I’m curious: how old were you?

    I think I was 21 or 22. I left uni just before turning 20, so I had gotten a job by then. This was around 2006/2007, and I was the breadwinner until my siblings got out of uni around 2012/13. 

    Man. How did this affect your growth? 

    I remember having a conversation with my mum about this. At that time in my life, I felt like I was making money (however small) but I wasn’t able to save up and do things for myself. For the most part, getting a car was super far-fetched. Every time I attempted saving for something substantial, something would happen that would take the funds. That was a little bit unsettling for me. And it was easy to blame my inability to do things on the fact that I had to take care of my siblings and mum. 

    In retrospect, it’s funny to see how my finances have evolved to the point where I’m comfortable enough to take care of those concerns in the past and not necessarily think about it. 

    What’s one difference between not having enough and being comfortable now?

    Peace of mind. And not getting upset. I don’t know if I was upset at myself or with the people making the request. There’s the powerlessness when a need comes from your family and you don’t have the funds for it. It’s worse when you know that you shouldn’t be at this point in your life because you can see your friends doing well. You know that these friends can easily take care of the problems you’re struggling with. 

    Thankfully, it doesn’t happen again. If I can’t take care of something right now, it just means that I don’t have the resources for it today. Because I can plan properly, I feel more in charge of myself and my emotions and how I face difficulties.

    Pls, do giveaway.

    [Laughs]

    What’s your biggest fear?

    Nigerian policemen scare me. When I’m driving from point A to B, I’m mentally picturing the route where I have lesser chances of encountering policemen. It’s definitely going to be a longer route, but I’ll be more at rest.

    Sigh. 

    I think the police trouble started with my hair in 2011. That’s when I became a regular customer. I’ve ended up writing statements in the police station over ridiculous things — like carrying a laptop in my bag. 

    There was a day I closed from work by 9 p.m. and left the office to get suya. Somehow somehow, I landed in the police station because I got stopped. After delaying me for an hour, they finally let me go home that night. After that incident, there have been random stops and questioning where you can tell that the police officer is trying to get to a point where they have something on you. And if they don’t, they invent something.

    Ahan.  

    Thankfully, I’ve not been flogged or rushed. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been hit, and I can’t remember because of the beating. I won’t say that I’ve had some of the other scary experiences that people have had. 

    It’s annoying because I’m not someone that likes wahala. All I’m trying to do is get from point A to B in peace. It’s not like I’m an outgoing person either, so I barely go out or go long distances. I’m just going down the road, and I end up getting stopped by the police. Usually,  the encounter with the police lasts longer than the trip itself, and I also end up parting with money. 

    What’s the most money you’ve parted with at once?

    ₦40,000 – ₦50,000.

    Man, fuck the police.

    Yup.

    Moving on to happier things, I’d like to hear about your style inspirations.

    I remember relaxing my hair when I was uni and wearing it all back. During that time, even though there was no official rule against that kind of hairstyle, the school authorities gave me so much trouble. At the end of the day, I ended up cutting the hair. 

    Immediately I got out of uni, I felt I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, so I started growing my hair. Then I started plaiting it around 08/09. In 2010, I decided to cut it off and have dreadlocks instead. On one of the days I was getting my hair done at the salon, I decided to paint my nails and I liked it. And that just became a thing I started doing as well. 

    Basically, I am just being me. I don’t let the societal constraints that define what’s expected of a man or Ezra define me. I do what I want as long as I’m happy with it. Another thing that fascinates me is androgynous clothing and appearance. Unfortunately, I’ve not had a lot of them. Apart from a couple of sweaters, most of my clothing is the stereotypical guy clothing — T-shirts.

    Interesting. Don’t you care about what people will say?

    [Clears throat]

    I dunno. Part of it might be realising that whatever you say or do will not stop people from still asking questions again tomorrow. I’ve developed general apathy towards people’s feelings. I will continue being myself. 

    Does this extend to your family members? 

    My mum is not going to continuously hammer on the same thing. Yes, she brought it up, but after I explained to her, she was fine. My siblings never questioned my choices though. I don’t know if that’s out of respect or…

    In the beginning, it probably started out like why is my elder brother painting his nails or ordering this and that. Then it progressed to I can’t talk to him because he’s my elder brother. Now, I think it has become I’m very proud of my elder brother being able to do this without caring what people say about him. 

    I’m crying in the club.

    Lmao.

    You said something about your dad being out of the picture. What was that about?

    Long and short was that he cheated on my mum. 

    Wait.

    It’s wild because he was a regional overseer in Deeper Life church. That meant our house was very spiritual. By the time I was six, I had finished reading the bible like twice. 

    Wait. Did you just say Man of God? 

    It doesn’t mean that he’s not a man. Lmao.

    Omo.

    [laughs]

    The cheating wasn’t once, but this particular one broke the proverbial camel’s back. And that’s because he moved in with the person. It was the way he handled everything that made me realise that I don’t want to have anything to do with this man again. 

    Omo. 

    Do you think this influences in any way the red flags you look out for in relationships?

    I don’t know that I have red flags. It’s important that the person is like me in some way and should be able to hold conversations. If not, anything happening becomes out of the question. However, I’ve not been in a relationship since 2013 when my last one ended. 

    Oh. Wow. Do you belong to the streets?

    If you want to put it that way, yes. 

    Dead. This changes my question: how do you decide people to have sex with?

    Basically, I have my friends. They are the people I go to for my needs ranging from just talking to advice to work, and somehow that just becomes a part of it with some of them.

    Doesn’t that complicate the friendship?

    My older friends know me so there’s nothing like them wanting more. And if they do, they know I’m not the person for that. When I make new friends, I try as much as possible to be very clear about the kind of person I am. I let them know that I’m not looking for a relationship, and I have many friends. I’m not about the life of trying to schedule that oh this friend is coming today, come tomorrow. Because at the end of all day, it’s a friendship and we’re all friends. 

    It’s not surprising to come to my house and see me with three friends I met individually but are now friends with each other. You’ll see us either chilling, watching TV, playing board games or making food. New friends I make end up coming into this picture where they can see every other person and how I am with them. It’s now for them to decide whether this person who is friends with a lot of people is what they want. Thankfully, I’ve not gotten into any situation where I have to explain myself about why I can’t be in a relationship with anyone. And that’s because I try to be honest and clear way before anything outside of just being friends happens. 

    Interesting. What’s one friendship that has immensely added to your life?

    I think that’s the one I have with my best friend at the moment. I met her in late 2009, we dated for like a month in 2010, but we went back to being friends. And we’ve been best friends till date. We’ve grown together. We even ran a consulting firm together from 2013 till when I started at Paystack. She’s an expert in her field. She’s always giving trainings because she’s like a manager of managers. One time, she was even a lecturer at the African Leadership University.

    She’s the one person I’ve always gone back to over the years when I have issues and need someone to discuss with. This person always comes through for me when I have a complication in my life that needs to be unravelled. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her in the picture because she’s been a part of every single thing I’ve done so far. 

    You didn’t ask me oh, but I think you guys should get married.

    [Laughs]

    Tell me how you felt when you finally bought your first car.

    For me, it was a…it felt good.

    [Laughs]

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    There gave been 9 different Inspectors General of Police in Nigeria within the last 15 years. And while it is always easy to make the Nigerian Police the fall guy, there are structures within the Nigerian Police itself that genuinely makes it impossible for the “Force” to be effective.

    Definitely, no organisation that changes its leader every one or two years can maintain a vision.

    Under the Police Act (2004), the tenure of the Inspector General of Police (IGP) was not specified. Section 9 (4) and (5) of Act gave the President operational control of the Police Force while the Inspector General of Police was given the power to command the Force, but subject to the directive of the President. 

    The President may also give the IGP any order which he “shall” comply with, and the IGP is strictly appointed by the President who is advised on this duty by the Nigeria Police Council.

    No wonder that in the past 15 years, we have had 9 different Inspectors General of Police, most of them serving for only a year or two. 

    Sunday Ehindero (2005-2007), Mike Okiro (2007-2009), Ogbonna Onovo (2009-2010), Hafiz Ringim (2010-2012), Mohammed Dikko Abubakar (2012-2014), Suleiman Abba (2014-2015), Solomon Arase (2015-2016), Ibrahim Idris (2016-2019) and Mohammed Adamu (2019-) have all served as IGPs of the Nigerian Police from 2005, but it is clear that the tenure of their roles is uncertain. As it appears, you can be removed from being IGP if the President wakes up on the wrong side of his bed.

    Read: Now That The IGP Has Dissolved SARS, What Next?

    Certainly, this uncertainty about the length of tenure handicaps any IGP who wants to implement long term reforms within the Police. Add this to the political uncertainty within the Presidency itself and you’ll realise why Police terms should not be left in the hands of the President.

    Police Act 2020

    Under the Police Act (2020), this situation has been fixed. 

    Section 4 of the Act states that the Inspector General of Police shall not be removed from office except for gross misconduct, a gross violation of the constitution and demonstrated incapacity to discharge the duties of the office.

    Furthermore, Section 6 the new Police Act states that the Inspector-General of Police shall hold office for four years, except he has served in the Police Force for a period of 35 years or he has attained the age of 60 years.

    With this certainty of office, we can at least expect new Inspectors General of Police to implement their own reforms within the Police Force, knowing fully well their four year term is guaranteed to a very large extent.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

  • Sars brutality stats:

    sars brutality

    We are populating an unending list of people who’ve been victims of Sars brutality.

    Here are a few:

    1)

    2)

    3)

    https://twitter.com/Brighttez1/status/1314854157279518722?s=20

    4) Trigger warning:

    5)

    6)

    7)

    https://twitter.com/bulamabukarti/status/1314657361437622273?s=20

    8)

    9)

    10)

    If you want to help out with this list, here’s a good place to start. To read more on #Endsars protest, start here.

    Pls, tag us on social media for credible stories you find.

  • The Nigerian Police is currently recruiting, and we want a clean slate from the past. These questions must be asked if we are serious about integrity and professionalism in the force.

    1. “Are you hopelessly addicted to 50 Naira?”

    Obviously, he won’t say he is. But check his eyes, if he describes 50 Naira with so much passion and gusto, and his eyes light up with lust, that’s an incoming thief. He is high on mutilated N50 Naira. Boot him out!

    2. “Who Is Kcee? Do you know his brother E-money?“

    He will try to hide his admiration for Kcee (“Alhaji Bureau de Changer”) and his elder brother E-money. But pay attention to his lips, if he smirks it any suggestively then he’s somebody who will leave the force to open doors for rich people. He’s a door opener, not a police. Get that man out!

    3. “Are tattoos from the Devil?”

    If he says no earrings, no tattoos and no dreadlocks and anyone who has them on is suspect, that’s a SARS material. He will be a menace on the streets. Sack that man before you’ve even given him a job!

    4. “Is virginity Important?”

    If he says virginity is a material fact, and that he has to ask about virginity once he questions any girl, that man is going to be a benefit policeman, and a terror to our girls. Sweep him out!

    5. Tell him to say “Park”

    If he shouts “Parrrrrrrk!”, and the veins in his head is bulging out and his eyes are almost coming out of their socket, that’s a baby tyrant. He will stop every car and tax every driver, even more than Sanwo-Olu. Show that man the exit!

    6. “Road or air travel, which do you prefer?”

    If he says he “so much” likes road travel and that he likes Nigeria’s rough and rugged inter-state roads, he’s going to be an inter-state extortionist. Decline his application before he extorts all the drivers on Nigerian roads.

    7. “Oga or Boss, which is correct?”

    If he says he likes calling his superiors “Oga”, you’re looking at a Makanaki. He will start a bribery ring with his “Oga”, and they’ll share it 70-30. He understands how to pay tithe in the Devil’s kingdom. Sack than man, now!

    Jara

    Check his wrist and see if he’s wearing a wrist watch. If he’s not, he will run away from the crime scene and come back hours after the criminals have gone. He’s a scammer, that one.

    But we know the Nigerian Police Force won’t ask these tough questions. That means, God safe us from this incoming batch of members of the police force who will certainly not be our friends, as always.

  • It takes a lot to surprise the average Nigerian.

    Honourable senators breaking into fights on TV? Routine.

    The president announcing that he’s journeying abroad for healthcare inaccessible to the regular guy on the street? Irritated, but not surprised.

    But every time word gets out, of a policeman assaulting a citizen for using an iPhone, or sporting dreadlocks or moving about with a laptop, there is no amount of victims, no amount of tweet threads and no amount of repetition that would ever make it seem normal place.

    Recently, a software developer and twitter user – @toniastro_ narrated his ordeal at the hands of alleged SARS operatives around Ketu in Lagos State.

    In the thread that has been shared over 11,000 times, Toni narrated how members of Nigeria’s Police Force demanded he alight from a bike transporting him to get a BRT home, before demanding he pay the ridiculous sum of one million naira to members of the force.

    His pleas that he be released, as he was only a software developer working for a company fell on ears made deaf with guilt. To the policemen, “everything na yahoo-yahoo’, just going to show how detached Nigerian policemen are from the realities of changing vocational systems.

    He was taken to the Area H Police Command in Ogudu where he was subjected to all manner of physical abuse for hours before being made to part with an undisclosed amount of money that could have been at least half the amount in his account.

    This story is not unlike the hundreds or even thousands of others that have no doubt happened in the course of this year alone, but nothing can take away from the horror each new event brings.

    Perhaps what’s most frightening about these occurrences isn’t simply the fact that your mere existence, whether or not you’re sporting dreads, or tattoos or an iPhone could make you a potential target, but the fact that the one body of people, the same ones reports of assaults should ideally be tabled, are the sole harbringers of harm.

    In the aftermath of Toni’s attack, the #StopRobbing Us movement has been borne, an offshoot of the #EndSars movement which Nigerian youth have been campaigning for, for at least two years.

    This movement is largely supported by members of Nigeria’s tech scene, with big players like IrokoTV CEO – Jason Njoku, pledging ₦10 million to the cause. Whether or not the renewed vim will finally bring an end to this Nigerian scourge remains to be seen, we can only hope that until then, these uniformed marauders #StopRobbingUs until then.