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  • Humans are far from perfect, and the same goes for relationships. But in a time when social media timelines are filled with happy couples, we asked eight Nigerian women what they hate about their partners. 

    “He goes MIA when he’s upset” 

    — Fortune, dating for a year plus

    When I do something that upsets him, he just goes off. The longest he’s gone is two weeks, but honestly, I get coconut head, so being angry was valid. He’s been working on it though, learning how to communicate his feelings better. 

    “He’s stubborn like a goat”

    — Tina, dating for four years 

    He’s great, but he doesn’t listen at all. If you tell him to go right, he’d go left. Just stubborn like a goat, LOL. 

    “He doesn’t know how to watch movies” 

    — Linda, dating for a year plus

    This young man doesn’t pay attention while we’re watching movies. Whether at the cinema or home, he’ll just keep pressing his phone and then come back to ask what happened in the movie.  

    “He doesn’t know how to plan” 

    — Cindy, dating for four years 

    It’s not even about me or the relationship; he’s just bad at planning things. So it takes extra intentionality from him to prepare for things like parties, dates or simple activities. And this translates to nonchalance in some instances. 

    “He goes through my phone” 

    — Lilian, dating for about six years 

    He can’t seem to get his hands off my phone. Whenever we’re together after not seeing for a while, he takes his time to go through my phone. On some days, I confront him, and he agrees to going through my phone, other times, he denies it. And it’s just upsetting because I don’t even know the password to his phone. 

    “He’s not as expressive” 

    — Lola, dating for eight months

    He’s not as expressive as I’d like him to be. For instance, when I’m giving him gists, I’d appreciate if he acted more interested, interjected with questions and just shared in the excitement. But alas. And his inability to express himself also happens when he’s upset, as it usually takes a lot of nudging for him to tell me how he’s feeling. I know that most times, he’s trying not to hurt my feelings, but I’d rather he just confronted me rather than bottling up everything. 

    “He makes me feel like an olodo”

    — Rita, dating for three years

    Some days he gets carried away when talking about his work because he’s into tech. And he forgets I don’t understand most of these things. Like I try, but some things are just so complex, and it makes me feel like an olodo. 

    “He tries to dodge his faults” 

    — Louisa, dating for about four years 

    I can’t say if it’s pride, but he has a hard time apologising. So even when he knows he’s wrong, he’d rather stay away than just say just apologise. And whenever I ask, he brings up excuses about being busy, but I know the real reason is that he’s trying to wait out my anger.

    This interview has been edited for structure and clarity.

    READ NEXT: 6 Secrets You Should Definitely Keep From Your Partner 

  • First off, forget the title. Nigerian women don’t lie. But since Nigerian men, the real liars, argue online every other day that women are more guilty than they are, we’ve compiled seven reasons why a Nigerian woman MAY lie.

    To test you

    Nigerian women are the prize, so of course, they need to make sure you’re worth it. And what’s a better way to know a man’s true intentions than by lying to him?

    To protect you

    They don’t call it the “harsh” truth for nothing. The truth hurts like hell. And everyone knows a woman would go the extra mile to protect the ones she loves. 

    Laziness

    People who are too lazy to eat. You expect them to be recounting accurate details of their life? You sef think about it.

    To protect themselves

    Nigerian men are wicked, but women wickeda dan them. First, you tell the truth. Then you wake up at 6 a.m. to cook. What’s next? Buying him expensive gifts? Eww.

    For cruise sake 

    And you all say women are not funny? Living in Nigeria is hard enough, so you can’t be serious, telling the truth all the time joor

    Negative influence

    Bad communication corrupts good manners. And most women have many male friends, so when you deep it, it’s their lies rubbing off on the women. 

    So peace can reign

    Imagine all the fights that’d happen if women actually told the truth. If she told you she would rather chew glass than endure another gruelling round of sex with you, or she’s only with you for your money, what would you do? 

    Abeg, we can’t have another war in this country. 

    ALSO READ: Nigerian Women and Their Super Intuition

  • If you ever happen to have a Nigerian woman in your life who refuses to eat or can’t decide what to eat — which is almost every time — here are six tried and trusted ways to convince her. 

    Bring the food directly in front of her 

    You’re using the food to trap her in her seat or bed. By the time the only way she can move is to eat what’s in front of her, you won’t have to tell her twice. 

    Eat beside her 

    She don’t want her own, but knowing it belongs to you will make her want to eat. She’ll keep picking at your plate until she’s finished everything in it. 

    RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Nigerian Women Don’t Iron Their Clothes 

    Pay her to eat 

    One thing women love? Money.  I can’t believe we’ve gotten to a point where we have to pay women to take care of themselves, but here we are. 

    Cook the food for her 

    If she refuses to eat, remind her that you spent hours in the kitchen cooking for her. Don’t be above using guilt to get her to take care of herself better. So enter kitchen and start cooking. 

    RELATED: 7 Reasons Why Women Love Bodysuits

    Seize her coffee or tea

    It’s become transactional. If she doesn’t eat, deny her access to her drinks. The love Nigerian woman have for those drinks will force her to eat, even if it’s a little. 

    Gist her and just give her food 

    There’s something about gist that makes a woman not even realise she’s eating. Just invite her over because you want to give her sweet gist, and be dumping the food into her lap. It’ll be gone before you know it. 

    RELATED: 7 Reasons Why Nigerian Women Love Pockets 

  • If Nigerian women think we don’t know what’s in their little bags, when they go for their cute genitalia meet and greet sprinkled with violence, they should wake up. Because we know. 

    Ata gungun

    If you didn’t think this was the first thing on the list, you clearly don’t know Nigerian women. Those people are wicked, and there are so many ways they can get creative with ata gungun. Small thing, they’ve blindfolded you and you’re feeling a tingling sensation in your privates. You know how the rest goes. Shebi it’s you that wants to do dangerous things. 

    Omorogun

    What’s a spanking if omorogun is not involved? Better turn your yansh and let this turning stick do the work she brought it for. 

    Or koboko

    This one is not just for spanking, it’s for flogging sense into you. And again, there’s nobody wickeder than a Nigerian woman. Anything your eyes see, take it like that. 

    Nearly All Men In Lagos Are Mad

    Imagine someone ties you down and reads this book to you. No be bondage and discipline be that? And you know who loves this book? Nigerian women. 

    Ankara 

    Ankara is very important for Nigerian women who involve themselves in the act of bedroom wickedness. First of all, don’t expect them to come with those black leather or fishnet outfits. No. They’ll tie wrapper, and that’s it. 

    Also, they don’t need handcuffs. They’ll just use Ankara strips to tie your hands and legs like a goat about to be slaughtered. 

    Koi koi shoe

    Fun fact: Nobody wears heels anymore these days. So if you see a woman adorning these, just know she’s going for dangerous bedroom play.

    Screenshots of their chats with other men

    She won’t read these to you o. She’ll print them out and give you. You’re the one that’ll read them by yourself and start crying. This is your daily reminder to cheat on Nigerian women because they’re already cheating on you, surely. 

    Male tears

    Because what’s a better lubricant?

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

    Image credit: Upsplash, @vitaelondon

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 45-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about spending the last 22 years in the UK moving from one menial job to another, not wanting her daughter to see her retire as a shop worker and finally going back to university.

    What’s something about life you’re enjoying?

    Working towards going back to school next year. It hasn’t been easy though. I didn’t think I’d actually care to get another degree after my bachelor’s in education in 1999. It took three months for me to even find my university certificate to apply for the programme I’m currently considering.

    So what prompted your decision to go back to school?

    After 14 years of working in retail stores in the UK, I’d like to get a proper white-collar job, possibly in a government office as administrative staff. 

    Retail is a time-consuming and physically tasking job. As I get older, I don’t see myself being able to keep up with loading shelves and working late nights. 

    An office job would come with much higher health insurance and retirement fund than my current job, and I’d get to close at 6 p.m. and stay home with my husband and daughter during public holidays. 

    Now that my daughter is eight and a lot more independent, I can sit down to work on my applications without so many distractions.

    Before your daughter, what made getting a new job difficult?

    I got into the UK illegally in 2001. I couldn’t settle in as an immigrant until 2008 when I married her dad. So at first, retail jobs were a means to getting paid in cash rather than opening up a bank account. It’s not possible to get one without proper papers.

    Omo. So how did you get into the UK?

    Through my older sister. She and her husband decided to take a trip with their three-year-old daughter to Cardiff, in 2001 and took me along. I was 24. After two months of living there, I couldn’t imagine coming back to Nigeria. I lived in Lagos with no job or real plans for the future. So when it was time to return, I told my sister I wanted to stay back. 

    Of course, she advised against it, but I felt I could manage on my own.

    And she was cool with that?

    No. But she couldn’t physically drag me back. 

    Image credit: iStock clipart

    Did you have any plans?

    I’d heard stories of a lot of Nigerians moving to the UK by refusing to leave after coming for a holiday. Of course, no one ever named names, but I knew there was some truth to the gossip. I felt like I could do the same.

    I didn’t think beyond staying back with the family friend we’d stayed with during our two-month holiday.

    So how did you scale through?

    Well, I got a cleaning job that paid cash. They didn’t ask me questions about my work permit. And since my brother-in-law schooled in Cardiff for his master’s, he was able to get me fake working papers through some of his friends.

    You weren’t caught. How?

    I made sure I didn’t walk around unnecessarily. If I didn’t have any houses to clean, I was home. But I knew hiding didn’t change the reality that I could be caught at any time. All it took was one random ID check or a phone call to the police from a colleague who didn’t like me. I made it as far as I did because of God. 

    My sister was also a huge support system. Back then, renewing visas wasn’t as complicated as it is now. So whenever my sister or her husband had a friend going back to Nigeria, I’d give them my passport and they’d pay for it to get stamped. We did that like once a year.

    Wow

    Yeah. We tried to tick all the boxes as much as we could under the radar. Plus, Cardiff is a small town, so people rarely got into your business. 

    I can’t imagine what it felt like to constantly be afraid

    I wasn’t thinking about that. I made the decision to stay and understood the consequences. There was no going back.

    After almost two years of living with my friend, I had to find my own place. She’d gotten pregnant and wanted her boyfriend to move in. I never liked the guy. Imagine coming home to an entitled white man who didn’t seem to have any plans for his life. There was no way I’d be comfortable putting up with him in those tiny UK flats.

    Were you prepared to move out?

    Yes and no. I honestly didn’t have a plan on how to get a permanent residence visa in the UK, but I was saving up to explore my options with school. The sudden transition from having a home to potentially being homeless was going to slow down the process.

    So what happened next?

    I got another job. This time, one of my colleagues from the cleaning company linked me with a man who needed someone to manage a home for homeless old people around the neighbourhood. He needed someone to make sure things didn’t get out of hand whenever he was out of town.

    The pay wasn’t great. But at least, I got a room to myself and didn’t have to pay for rent anymore. 

    He didn’t do a background check on you?

    He was an old man. I don’t think he cared. I just had to reassure him I had two years of experience in cleaning. The work extended to much more than cleaning though — I had to manage the daily activities of the guests — but what other options did I have?

    What gave you peace of mind, considering your illegal status?

    Mostly church. It was my happy place; my faith kept me together. I also had someone I started dating in 2004. We met in church when I first moved to the UK and things gradually grew between us. He was a Jamaican man born in Britain.

    He knew about my situation and supported me the best he could, but there were days I just wanted to go back home. 

    When did things start coming together for you?

    2008. But before then, things completely fell apart.

    What happened?

    I decided to get a new job in 2005. I’d spent a year working at the house, but I didn’t feel fulfilled spending my entire day stuck inside. I started to look out for store jobs that paid in cash. I didn’t want to continue with a cleaning job.

    How’d that go?

    The job I got was at a food store owned by an older Nigerian woman. She was a citizen, and quite friendly, so I opened up about my issues with documentation to her. It took me four months to get to that point of trust, but it was the worst mistake I made in the UK. 

    A few weeks after our conversation, immigration officers showed up at the store. Luckily, I was walking down to the store with my boyfriend that morning, so he followed me to their office.

    Do you think your boss snitched?

    Maybe. I never got a chance to confront her. Anyone working at the store could’ve overheard our conversation, or even a customer, who knows? But they came straight toward me, and I knew the last four years were going down the drain.

    Omo

    They took me to their office and things moved fast from there. 

    Since my boyfriend was a British citizen, he was able to intervene.

    How?

    The paid visa I’d gotten through my sister had expired a few weeks before I was caught. So my boyfriend told the officers he was the reason I hadn’t gone back to my country yet. He explained he wanted to travel back to Nigeria with me to get married, hence the delay. He also got a good immigration lawyer to plead for my passport to not be stamped since we’d be getting married soon.

    Did you still have to leave the country?

    Yes. I had a week to pack up and leave. But a year later, my boyfriend came to Nigeria for our wedding. We got married and moved to the UK immediately after our marriage certificates were ready.

    Before then, I won’t deny I’d lost hope. I wasn’t happy to be back in Lagos sharing a room with my niece and not having anything tangible to do every day. But I kept in touch with my partner through phone calls, and sometimes, Facebook.

    A part of me felt ashamed.

    Why shame?

    At 28, and after four years of living abroad, I didn’t have anything good to show for it. Compared to my older sister, my life was pretty unsuccessful. She was 31, married with two kids at that point, and to my parents, those were achievements. Praying was the only thing that kept me together during that one year in Lagos.

    Thinking about it now, would you have done things differently?

    No. I’m happy I took the risk in my early 20s. It wasn’t the wisest decision, but I’m here today. The struggle taught me I can survive anything. That’s why I’m not bothered about going back to school at 45.

    The only thing I’d change is coming back to the UK in 2008 after we got married, and sticking to the same menial jobs because it was the only thing I knew how to do. I don’t want to retire as a store attendant.

    I hope you’re able to change careers

    Thank you. I also want my daughter to be proud of me. I see how excited she gets when my husband talks about his job as a psychiatrist. I want her to look at me with the same pride when I talk about my day too.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

  • Ask a Lagos woman what she wants to eat and her first answer is “I don’t know” Her next answer is, “… pasta.” I need us to take a break for a bit and try out other meals. Beginning with meals from our beloved Nigeria, I’ve listed eight foods from different tribes across the country below. Try them and your life will never be the same. 

    Ekpang Nkukwo

    Ekpang Nkukwo is cocoyam porridge, and it’s one of the traditional meals of the Akwa Ibom and Cross River State people. It’s made with freshly grated cocoyams wrapped in tender cocoyam or ugu leaves. It’s a meal that can be very stressful and time-consuming to make yourself. So take advantage of your next lunch/dinner and order ekpang, instead of ordering pasta for the third night in a row.

    Gbanunu soup

    Gbanunu soup is a traditional soup from Ondo state. There are no words to describe how delicious this soup is. As I’m thinking about it, I’m looking for where I can order a plate today. Eat gbanunu with pounded yam or pupuru (cassava flour) which tastes just as good as any other swallow out there. 

    Ji mmiri oku 

    You’re ordering pasta when there’s hot, sweet yam pepper soup? Ji Mmiri Oku is a traditional meal of the Igbo people, and it tastes amazing — Yam pepper soup that’ll take you to a different realm entirely. Eat it on a rainy, cold day and experience it hit you differently. 

    An interesting fact: in Igbo land, this is usually the first dish given to a woman immediately after childbirth. It’s mostly prepared by her mother, who comes to take care of her for the first few months after childbirth (Omugwo).

    RELATED: We Ranked Nigerian Pepper Soups From Worst to Best

    Abanga 

    Abanga is unripe plantain pottage. A traditional dish of the people of Brass and Nembe in Bayelsa state. Eat it with palm oil and pepper soup with an assortment of seafood inside, if you want maximum enjoyment.

    Miyan taushe soup

    Food from northern Nigeria is not as appreciated as it should be, and we need to change that because they taste great. Miyan Taushe (pumpkin soup) is one I wish I could eat as often as possible. There’s just something about the flavours in the soup that makes it taste as great as it does. It may have something to do with the combination of pumpkin and groundnut. The soup can be eaten with tuwo (rice fufu) or any other type of swallow. 

    Ukang ukom 

    Another plantain porridge meal, but Efik edition. If you ever go to a Calabar wedding, you’d find this meal being served there. It’s how Lagos people see Amala; a ceremony isn’t complete without Ukang Ukom on the menu. This shows you how special this food is and why more people need to eat it. I encourage (read as: order) you to enter a Calabar restaurant today and order this. Stop looking at the creamy pasta on that restaurant’s menu that will most likely only come with only two tiny pieces of chicken. 

    ALSO READ: These Are the Easiest Nigerian Soups to Make, According to Ifeoluwa 

    Afia efere soup

    My first experience with afia efere (white soup) was when I visited a friend’s house and found her eating it. It’s a soup popular with the Efik people. Since that day, I haven’t looked back. Eat afia efere today and neither will you.

    Ofe Onugbu 

    This is a very popular Igbo soup made from bitter leaf and cocoyam paste. It’s so interesting how something so delicious comes from something so bitter. I recommend this soup to anyone and everyone. To enjoy it well, eat it with very hot eba. 

    Now that Pasta has been dealt with, let’s look at 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is Itohan, a 20-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about why surviving a scoliosis surgery was big for her, getting surgery in India, gaining weight after and growing into a thrill seeker who plans to retire at 35.

    Scoliosis is an abnormal curvature of the spine. The cause isn’t known, but symptoms typically occur from childhood and range from a hump in the lower back to uneven shoulders/hips.

    What’s something about your life that makes you happy?

    I guess my happy story is accomplishing shit. I’m a big brain, and to be honest, that’s bad bitch doings.

    Okay, smarty pants. What’s one big thing you’ve done at 20 that blows your mind?

    I’d say surviving my scoliosis surgery. That was big for me.

    In what way?

    The things I got to achieve after. I mean, it fucked up my weight and mental. But it is what it is; it happened. 

    I didn’t know I had scoliosis, right? I had a funny walk when I was 13, and my mum thought I was trying to do guy. But that same year, I saw a bunch of pamphlets about different medical things at home. It had everything on scoliosis, lung and heart diseases. I loved to read as a child, so I read all of them. 

    And?

    When I was done with the scoliosis pamphlet, I gave it to my mum and told her the symptoms were exactly what was happening to me. She read it and called my aunt who’s a nurse in the UK. She said I should go for an x-ray. I was right. 

    How did you feel about the diagnosis at 13?

    I felt relieved. Growing up, people made so many comments about my body. They still do, but back then, the comments made me feel like everything was my fault. So even though it was kind of sad finding out, I also felt happy. 

    I also wouldn’t have figured things out without reading the pamphlets. That’s why when people say they don’t self-diagnose, I’m like hmm… that’s what saved my life.

    So how did things progress after confirming it was scoliosis?

    Getting surgery was the first option, but I didn’t want one. The idea just made me so uncomfortable, and my mum said I didn’t have to do it if there were other options to explore. So that’s what began the many many hospital visits. 

    Were there drastic changes in other parts of your life?

    I was out of school more than I was in it. There were hospital visits three times a week, with a lot of tests and scans. But I was in SS 3, so for the most part, I didn’t need to be in school. The exhausting part for my mum and I was showing up at the hospital.

    But why so many hospital visits if you weren’t getting surgery though?

    I needed to get a brace customised for me at Igbobi Hospital. The doctors said there was nothing they could do except try to stop the spine from bending anymore. As in, my spine will be bent o, but they’d try to prevent it from getting worse.

    Omo 

    The doctors also told me my mum was irresponsible for not knowing I had scoliosis. When it’s not like scoliosis is something they teach everyone everywhere. 

    I’m really sorry about that. Did the brace help with your back, at least?

    No. It was so uncomfortable. I cried the first day I wore it. My mum had to hold me when we got home. I didn’t want to wear the god-forsaken thing. It was made of plastic, looked so weird and made my clothes bulky. And they said I’d have to wear it for at least 22 hours a day. As in, I’d sleep in it and only take it off to bathe. 

    I didn’t put it on again after the first day. I was ready to have the surgery and kept going for consultations until then..

    When did that happen?

    A year later. I’d turned 14 by then. Making the decision meant another round of tests. The main question was where the surgery could be done? My mum didn’t want it to halt my life. She wanted somewhere that would guarantee I’d get healed quickly and move on. Nigeria wasn’t an option for us.

    So how did things go in India?

    Can you believe the doctors in Igbobi refused to release my x-ray? They asked me to stay in Nigeria so they could monitor the progression of my sickness for the doctors to learn.

    I’m screaming

    LOL. My mother said, “you want to use my only child for practicals”. We stole my x-ray. We told one of the doctors we needed a photocopy of the documents. They told us to talk to the student doctors instead for any questions we had. I guess they were busy that day. 

    Luckily, the student didn’t stress about getting the documents for us to make photocopies. Turned out the main doctor in charge of my case had it in the boot of his car; is he not mad? When the student brought it back, my mum took it, entered our car and never went back to the hospital.

    Love it!

    A lot of James Bond stuff happened o. Like I paid for it, it was my property, but I had to steal it.

    But why did you choose India?

    Hospitals in the US said I’d need to stay for a year post-surgery. The UK said six months, Germany was three months, but India gave me two weeks to get back into a normal routine. Clearly, you can see where we went.

    Weren’t the extra days needed for recovery?

    They also wanted to use me for practicals. Staying was less about the recovery and more about monitoring my movement and abilities. It’s not common to have scoliosis surgery. Only 2% – 3% of children get it, so people wanted to use me as a test subject.

    So what happened after the Igbobi James bond saga?

    LOL. We started doing research on Indian hospitals for scoliosis surgery. We found one with the help of my mum’s old classmates. She also had a child who’d had surgery in India and recommended a place.

    How did it feel knowing things were about to get better?

    Experiencing India for the first time was the best part of the process. Their food slaps. But when they attempted to make Nigerian food in the hospital? The ghetto. I guess they were trying to make me comfortable as a child. And they seemed to like Nigerians as well. 

    I had doctors who’d come in after looking at my file saying “You Nigerian? I love Abuja, Lagos. Yes, yes. Great people.” The energy just didn’t reach the food. Imagine putting one whole okra in my stew. No grating or boiling, just raw okra inside stew to eat rice.

    LOL. Okra and rice is normal in Côte d’Ivoire, sis.

    Fair enough. The free drinks were compensation. Once you enter a shop, “orange juice? mango juice?” everywhere. 

    Free? Please explain this to my Lagosian eyes.

    LOL. It was their culture. Whenever you went into a store they’d hand you a pet-sized bottle of juice. Maybe it had to do with being a foreigner. I drank juice tire sha. And the hospital stuffed me with milk at least four times a day because I needed the calcium.

    It sounds like you had a pretty good time considering you were there for risky surgery

    Being sad wasn’t going to change anything. The best thing to do was eat the free food and enjoy the city. I was cleared to leave after two weeks, but we stayed an extra two or three days because my mum’s passport was seized at the hospital.

    Sorry?!

    Yeah, Nigeria was refusing to let our money clear. My cousins in the UK and US sent money as well, but it didn’t reflect. The hospital could see we’d tried to pay, so they kept my mum’s passport while they waited to receive the funds.

    That’s crazy stuff. How were you doing post-surgery though?

    I gained a lot of weight. Of course, the food had something to do with it. But because I had just done surgery on my spine, I wasn’t active. For six months, I couldn’t play rugby like I used to in school or move around too much.

    What did you do with the six months of inactivity?

    JAMB lessons. The year I went for the surgery cut into my time for JAMB and WAEC. Not getting into school with my friends really got to me. But my mum wanted me to be useful to myself and forced me to focus on writing the exams. Eventually, things got better.

    How?

    First, I was taller. The surgery straightened the bones of my back to an extent. 

    Nice. And the second part?

    I eventually got into uni when I was 15. But there was a strike in federal universities right before I was meant to resume, so I had to stay home. I got a job as a cashier and an assistant at a pharmacy close to my house. I didn’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing all over again. And being good at the job made me feel validated and important. 

    That’s really sweet

    Yeah. Uni was also a pretty good experience for me. I got a full scholarship for my whole degree and that boosted the way I saw myself. I felt smart, and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. 

    No one tells you how difficult it is to be held back because you’re sick. I gained so much weight from all the food in India and the rest period too. It really fucked up my psyche. The medications added to how much my body changed, so I know it’s out of my control.

    Hm. What parts of life are you looking forward to in your 20s?

    Retiring at 35. I’ve been working since I was 14. After the pharmacy job, I wrote non-fictional stories about the people I met. I got a job as a writer when I was 18, and I’ve worked my way up to being a junior editor since then.  

    So after all that work, I can’t retire like other people at 60. The corporate world shouldn’t have that much of my life.

    LOL. I feel like everyone says this, but it’ll eventually get really boring having that much free time at 35

    LOL. Going through surgery makes you realise just how much life has to offer. And I want to live a full life. I want to dance, sing, teach, travel and live as many lives as possible. It doesn’t have to be a long life for me; it just has to be full.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why  

  • “What do women really want?”  is a question people have asked for ages. We’ve done the research, and here’s what Nigerian women have to say: 

    Silence 

    Believe it or not, women just want peace of mind. After work, after listening to our partners lie to us and our parents tell us what to do, we actually just want some peace and quiet. 

    Multiple sources of free money

    We don’t just want free money, we want free money from multiple sources. From our mouths to God’s ears. 

    Related: Gen Z Women Will Never Spend Their Money on These 7 Overrated Things

    A fat bank account 

    Is this too much to ask for? The people with fat bank accounts, do they have two heads? Everyone who’s supposed to be involved in making this happen needs to fix up.

    No men trouble 

    From fathers and brothers to partners and random men on the street, we really just want ease, guys. 

    To be naked 

    We love being naked. Any chance we get to take our clothes off for comfort, we take it. Whether it’s taking off our wigs or bras, it has the same effect.

    Related: 8 Things Women Do When They’re Home Alone

    A vacation we didn’t pay for 

    We want to wake up to a note that says, “Baby, here’s a ticket to Dubai, and some money to shop while you’re at it.” We know it’s not difficult to achieve. 

    No periods 

    Without pregnancy. Even if we have periods, why must it come with symptoms like cramps, acne, bloating and diarrhea? If there was a world without all of this, we’d take it. 

    Free clothes

    A wardrobe full of clothes we didn’t pay for would totally bang, especially in this economy. The way we’d strut? Out of this world.

    Now that you know what women really want, here’s an article on some women’s wrongs we support.

  • Men constantly complain about how women are never able to decide on what they want to eat. But have they ever asked us why? No, they haven’t. That’s why I’m here, to solve the mystery of why women can’t decide on what to eat. 

    Fear of world damnation 

    The very first time a woman (Eve) decided what she wanted to eat, it caused God to punish the entire human race. . You want us to go through that again? Abeg o 

    We’re being considerate of your money

    If we eat N16,500 stir-fry Chinese pasta now, you’ll drag us on Twitter. We don’t know what exactly you can afford, and you won’t tell us your budget. So, of course, we’re going to struggle with deciding what to eat. 

    Fear of food poisoning 

    There’s a chance that we may eat the wrong thing, and our stomachs will suffer for it. We have to carefully think about what may or may not give us a running stomach. If you men don’t care about your health, that’s your business. 

    ALSO READ: 11 Ways to Know Your Food Has Been Poisoned

    The question puts us under unnecessary pressure 

    The question, “What do you want to eat?” comes with a lot of pressure.Who in their right mind immediately has an answer to that? Then when you try to make it easier by giving us options, all the suggestions are awful. This is why we always end up eating pasta. It’s the safest thing we can say under the pressure of trying to choose. 

    Why don’t you know what I want to eat? 

    As my friend or significant other, or even someone I’m on a first date with, why don’t you know what I want to eat? If you’re someone I’m close to in any way, you should know me well enough to decide what I want. You should be able to read my mind and choose one of the options in my head. I said what I said. 

    Too many options to choose from

    We get very overwhelmed when we have too many options to choose from, and this also includes having too many food options. Sometimes, we wish we could have everything on the menu. Because how are we supposed to choose between lamb chops, sushi, stir-fry pasta, giant prawns and rice.? Asking us to pick just one is pure wickedness. 

    Your food may taste better

    We’ll choose what to eat, then later realise that your food tastes better. Then we’re thinking maybe we should have ordered yours instead. Sometimes, it’s not that we can’t decide, it’s that we’re waiting for you to decide so that we can eat your food, then see if it’s what we want to eat, or maybe we want the initial food we were going to go with. 

    What if you ask us to pay? 

    Stories on Twitter NG will show you that this happens more often than you think. Nigerian men will surprise you out of the blue when that cheque is brought. That’s when you’ll find out that you’re going Dutch, and he’s only going to pay for his meat pie and water. This is why we can’t decide what to eat. In our heads, we’re having thoughts like “The steak is looking good, but this man may ask me to pay, so what do I order instead?” If you think about it, men are the cause of this.  Just like everything else. 

    We don’t know what we want 

    Simple and short, we just don’t know what we want.. We don’t even know if we’re hungry at that moment. Or if it’s drinks or maybe just snacks we want instead of food. We don’t have an answer. Leave us alone. 

    Another article on Nigerian women and food: 6 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Unhealthy Relationship With Food

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

    Today’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 28-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about living alone in Accra, how she ended up picking unemployment over money and why money cannot be all there is to happiness.

    What makes life interesting for you?

    Money. My views about it have changed over time though. Money was never a motivation for me, but it used to be the only quantifiable thing that let me know I was doing alright in life. When I had it, I knew I could relax. 

    And I was earning a lot of it at 27 in Accra. Everyone said I looked happier there. 

    Were you?

    I was alright. Ghana was a vibey place, and I got to meet a lot of people. But moving to a new country was also quite lonely. My friends thought I was happy because I posted a lot online. But that was all I could do because I had to go out often to make friends, connect with people — anything to get out. I guess my social media page created that facade of being much happier.  

    The part of my life that really made me happy was the growth I’d made in a year through therapy. That made it easier to be in a new country alone.

    What changed in a year?

    I was depressed for a really long time, probably since I was 18, and I didn’t realise why until I started to talk through things that had happened. I let a lot of the harassment I experienced as an engineering student slide during an internship. I was a quiet 18-year-old. You could literally put your finger in my eyes, and I wouldn’t say anything. And so men in their 30s were pestering me to date them.

    Wow. I’m sorry that happened.

    Thanks. I thought it was normal. But therapy helped me be more objective with my life. I understood that I needed to be a lot more vocal about how I’d experienced men at a young age. I also understood how sensitive I was as a person and how easy it was to let things slide. The sessions made me aware of myself. That’s how things slowly got better. 

    That sounds great. 

    It was. My life would have been richer if I started much sooner. Sometimes, I’d think my life was horrible without an exact reason. I’d just be sad. But when I started treatment, I realised some of those emotions had to do with having PMS. I never knew that. If I did, I would have taken better control of certain situations.

    I think understanding more about myself also prepared me for when I decided to quit my job without a plan. I’d been working at She Leads Africa since I was 25. I was already leading a team by the time I quit.

    And you quit without a plan?

    LOL. Yeah. 

    After two years, I’d hit a plateau. When I left, I ended up moving to Accra. Nothing about my move was exotic. I quit my job and was out of work for five months. Accra was literally my only option at the time. If I had an offer in Ekiti. I would have taken it. 

    How was your move?

    Accra was good for me. I always walked around with a chip on my shoulder about not being able to afford things I’d like. In Accra, I saw people with barely a quarter of what I had, hustling and making the most of it. That was something I needed to see to stop overthinking little things like saving to buy the kind of phone or laptop I wanted. People had bigger issues. 

    How long did you stay in Accra?

    A year. I quit the job in Accra and moved back to my parents’ home in Nigeria because I was offered a marketing role at a tech company. I’d worked as a program manager at my last job, but I always wanted to work in tech. Here, I was earning the most money I’d ever made. I was balling. But adjusting was difficult.

    The role was challenging. At first, I thought it was just a steep learning curve that I’d get the hang of. But whenever I submitted a report, my manager would ask if I’m sure the role was for me. He’d go on about hiring me because he thought I was good. The tough part was how everyone was “too busy” to explain how to fix it. 

    So, you left?

    Not immediately. I didn’t want to just give up. I decided to start a side hustle and left Abuja to see friends in Lagos for a bit. I convinced myself that a job wasn’t meant to be perfect.

    But when I had a panic attack and started feeling very sick, I knew it was time to go. I hated that because I quit my cool job in Accra for a risk that didn’t pay off. 

    Did you talk to anyone?

    Yeah. My friends asked me to give it some time, but it had been four or five months already. It wasn’t getting better. I felt like the job was killing me.

    So, you found a new job?

    Nope. My manager was also concerned that I wanted to leave without any other job offer. He felt I could make more of an effort to figure things out. But I was exhausted. I was banking on my savings to get me through the next five months.

    After quitting, I spoke to my therapist, and she felt it was an opportunity to build resilience rather than quitting. She gave me the “Life will always be difficult speech”, and I saw reason in it. So I went back to ask my manager for my job back. He said he’d have to think about it first. We never circled back on that.

    During the first month I was unemployed, I sha didn’t tell anyone at home I had quit. I didn’t want them to freak out. If they did, then I’d freak out about everything.

    How were you feeling?

    After a few weeks, I settled into being unemployed. It felt different from the first time it happened. Strangely, I preferred not having money to being stressed out by a job. 

    The skills I’d picked up from therapy also helped. I didn’t maximise the issue in my head. I focused on the fact that all I didn’t have was a job. And that wasn’t a big deal. When I thought about it, the only reason I wanted that tech job was to claim success. That’s all. Then, I’d spend the rest of my life deeply unhappy.

    So, you absolutely didn’t give a shit about choosing money over happiness?

    I’m the youngest of six kids. For me, bad as e bad, I’ll never starve. If one person says no, there are five others to ask for help.

    Accepting my privilege and deciding not to feel guilty about it is what helped me leave that job. I could’ve focused on trying to be independent like other times, but I wasn’t going to let pride kill me.

    LOL. How was it like living with your parents again after Accra?

    My parents are pretty laid back. Of course, no one welcomed me with open arms for quitting my job. But they were also not going to send me out of the house. And when I had money, I made sure I took up responsibilities at home. So, in scenarios like this where I didn’t have a job, they were supportive. 

    So, you’re not trying to find a job?

    LOL. I’m waiting on an offer from another company. 

    There’s something about getting past 27. After that age, you realise the world won’t fall apart just because you’ve made a few mistakes. You’re making money, maybe not as much. You’ve done a few of the things you wanted to. And most importantly, you’re alive. Na person wey dey alive dey enjoy money.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell us why