I remember a conversation I had with a cousin once. I shared a post on my Instagram stories about how a woman’s body’s ultimate purpose is not to carry a child. It is whatever we choose. She responded with “..that was what God created us for, and it would be a sin not to actualise the ‘commandment’, to be fruitful and multiply”. I was so shocked that at the time, I didn’t have anything to say. This cousin wasn’t yet 20 years old.
For aeons, women have been fed the narrative and conditioned to revere marriage and children above all else (besides maybe God), across the globe. We have been taught that it is the greatest thing we could ever amount to. Forget your education, accolades or your life in general. If you are not married, you are incomplete. If you are married without a child, you are considered barren and, by extension, without ‘use’.
One ethnographic study, Women in Limbo: Life Course Consequences of Infertility in a Nigerian Community, found that among the Ijaw people, women who had never given birth were considered “useless”, and excluded from rites of passage; they were typically stripped of the adult respect society conferred on those who had carried a pregnancy to term. The research notes that even a single birth could shift a woman’s societal status entirely.
These patriarchal views are deeply rooted in colonial Nigerian traditions that are archaic and extremely harmful to every girl child and woman trying to exist and be seen as a person with autonomy in this world. There is so much more to us than a womb, and I wanted to add to the growing discourse about the worth of a woman and how it cannot and should never be tied to our ability or decision to reproduce or not.
I’m interested in shedding light on what it can look like for Nigerian women to exist childfree, by choice or circumstance. But before that, what exactly does it mean to be child-free, and how is it any different from being childless?
What Does it Mean to be Childfree?
The term Child-free or voluntary childlessness is when an individual actively chooses not to have children. This choice can stem from various factors, including personal preferences, lifestyle choices, career aspirations, environmental concerns, or a lack of desire for parenthood. The defining characteristic is the choice not to have children. “Use of the word childfree was first recorded in 1901 and entered common usage among feminists during the 1970s.”
Childfree vs Childless
The terms “childfree” and “childless” describe different situations regarding parenthood. “Childfree” refers to individuals who actively choose not to have children, while “childless” refers to those who do not have children but may or may not desire to have them, often due to circumstances beyond their control.
Some people use these words interchangeably, while others may be triggered by the word childless. A good rule of thumb is to wait to hear how they prefer to address themselves or politely ask.
Below are ten Nigerian women who tell us what it looks like to live childfree in today’s world.
“I focus on the life I have built and am building for myself”— Rebecca*, 41, Port Harcourt
She considers herself childfree by circumstance, specifically, by being single. There isn’t much of a “story” she says, except that she’s been careful not to become a single mother. But if it ever happens, she wants to be financially stable and have a supportive partner to raise the child with.
Society’s response, largely from family, friends, doctors, religious spaces, work, and even strangers, has been full of pressure. “But I don’t look at them,” she says. “I focus on the life I have built and am building for myself.”
When asked what she wishes people understood about living child-free in Nigeria, she explains that you can’t really explain anything to Nigerians. “If it’s your choice, you have to face all that will come out [of] it, and try not to run away from your family. Give them time to come to terms with what your life will look like. Create boundaries around what you are willing to talk about and what you won’t. Just generally stay away from negative people who will not support your choice.”
Though I didn’t want to be child-free, I would not change my choice.
“Also helps that I’m bi and currently in a committed queer relationship” — Mofiyin*, 30, Lagos
She is child-free by choice. “Also helps that I’m bi and currently in a committed queer relationship, so my chances of just popping a kid reduced drastically.”
Mofiyin is in a committed relationship, and they’ve bounced around the idea of strongly not having children, to possibly having, and to not wanting one. “Some days I wake up and absolutely detest the idea, other days I see an Instagram video of a family and want one too.” She notes that she also sees a lot of things on IG that she wants, but that doesn’t automatically mean she should have them.
No one says anything to her about being childfree. “I’m surrounded by many women who are also child-free, and my only friend who has a kid tells me to be certain it is what I want before I do it.” It’s never a conversation that comes up for her. She thinks it helps that she doesn’t live in the same city she grew up in, so the level of familiarity that would require such a conversation to come up is not there.
“First of having a child is as much a choice as not having one. Everyone should be allowed to make either choice freely. Secondly, having children requires a level of emotional and financial stability; it’s not just the “next thing” on a bucket list that you need to tick off.”
Living child-free means you can wake up and go on a trip without thinking of who needs to cater to your child whilst you are away.
“Don’t hold on strongly to the weight of other people’s expectations or perceptions of you”— Amara*, 32, Lagos
She identifies as childfree both by circumstance and by choice. For her, it’s about being truly ready, in all the ways that matter, and having a partner aligned in her understanding of what parenting means.
The societal response has been mixed. Some people say, “Why? I think you’d be a great mother,” while others feel she’s been westernized and is “too exposed”, which will ultimately end in her regretting her choice. But there are also people who understand and respect her decision, often sharing the sentiment of being selective with having children.
Her advice? “Honestly, everyone would be okay at some point. Don’t let anybody unnecessarily pressure you into a decision you really don’t want.” She emphasizes the importance of having a partner or community who supports and encourages you. “You can also always modify your choices,” she adds. “Don’t hold on strongly to the weight of other people’s expectations or perceptions of you.”
“I could change my mind, life is always evolving, and so am I, but at this point, I am content with my choice.”
“My mental health, physical, and even financial capacity can’t carry a child right now” — Jessica*, 26, Lagos
She is child-free by choice, “definitely.” With pressure mounting from her parents to get married, she’s hesitant, knowing the next question would be: “When are you giving birth?!” And she is not ready for that at all.
“Having children is a lot to handle,” she says. “My mental health, physical and even financial capacity can’t carry a child right now.” She’s still figuring herself out, and bringing a child into the world at this stage would feel selfish.
Her parents are eager for grandchildren, but also understanding, still, the pressure lingers.
“I wish people knew that being childfree doesn’t change anything but even gives you room to be freer, no responsibilities. ‘You can’t miss who you never met.’”
As for the future: “I’m open to any changes honestly, but for now, I’m sure of my decision.”
“I knew I didn’t want to have kids since I was 16” — Funmi*, 32, Lagos
Her child-free status is entirely by choice. “I knew I didn’t want to have kids since I was 16,” she says, after witnessing the exhaustion of mothers around her, the way motherhood took their time, energy, and identity. “I was upset that no one knew my mother’s name except ‘mummy this person.’”
She is also autistic and bipolar, and being the first daughter has left her perpetually drained. “I am exhausted all the time and only have enough for myself.” As she grew older and learned how religion and patriarchy use childbearing to subjugate women, she knew her answer was a firm, “Absolutely the fuck not.”
The world’s reaction? “Bewilderment, Confusion and just sheer stupidity.” Despite having PMDD and requesting to have her tubes tied since she was 16, doctors wouldn’t take her seriously. “One even told me to go bring a husband or my father.” These experiences have made it painfully clear that “it’s a man’s world FR—it really humbles you.”
She wants others to know that “there are more of us than you think.” She warns against listening to people who project their fears about ageing alone and believes that building a community can be life-saving. “Society is confused about a woman who doesn’t fit the mould and it’s okay to leave them confused.”
Would she ever change her mind? “Absolutely not and my why would always be: I simply do not want a child. That should be enough.”
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“Some pray for me, some have been angry” — Nancy*, 32, Ibadan
She is child-free by choice. “I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want the responsibility.”
Society’s reactions range from shock to acceptance to anger. “Some people have been shocked, some are okay with it. Some pray for me, some have been angry.”
What does she wish people knew? “We are happy.”
She is open to change, but only if it involves adoption. “Cause life changes, but if I do, I will adopt. I do not want any of that pregnancy or baby stuff. Stressful.”
“I’ve never actively tried to have a baby, at least not now” — Miebi*, 25, Port Harcourt
She identifies as childfree by choice, though more by timing than rejection. “I’ve never actively tried to have a baby, at least not now.”
She loves children and looks forward to having her own, at least three, she hopes. “By God’s grace, I will have them when it’s time,” she says. But she wants to be married first, loved and in love, and in a healthy, beautiful relationship with her spouse.
There hasn’t been much societal reaction to her child-free status. “I’m single and still quite young so there’s no negative or positive response from society, and even if there was I couldn’t care less.”
What she wants people to understand: “Women have the right to decide if they want to have children or not because, guess what, it’s their body, and they would be the ones responsible for caring for the children if they were born.” She also reminds Nigerians to “mind their own business and be gracious to people,” because you never really know what someone is going through.
Yes, when the time feels right. “And even if it just happens, cause you can never really plan these things, I will try my best to embrace it.”
“I’ve been pregnant twice but aborted both times” — Rita*, 45, Lagos
She is child-free by choice and has made that choice twice.
“I’ve been pregnant twice but aborted both times,” she shares. The first time was just after university, before her convocation. “I wasn’t even up to 20 yet,” she says. Her then-partner wanted her to keep it, but she knew they were both not financially ready. “My parents would be so disappointed.” She made the decision to terminate the pregnancy at one month.
The second time was in 2022 after she had broken up with her boyfriend. “That one wasn’t even there for me,” she explains. When she told him, he acknowledged they were both still figuring things out and not ready for parenthood. “He sent me 50k to get it removed which wasn’t even enough.” She took the pill, but the first attempt didn’t work. The second dose worked, but came with excruciating pain. “I wasn’t ready to be a mother,” she repeats. Her perspective is firm: “No one should bring a child to a world to suffer financially. Also, I want to be married before giving birth. I fear the stigma or judgment that comes with getting pregnant when you’re not married.”
Society’s response has been shrouded in silence and shame. “My friends have told me to keep the abortion a secret and never tell anyone, even when I get married. I feel it’s absurd.” She stands by her decision: “It was my choice. I wasn’t ready. It’s my body. It’s my past. If you can’t be with me because I had an abortion, then we aren’t meant to be.”
What she wishes Nigerians understood is simple: “Figure your life out before you bring another life to the world.” She’s pro-abortion and unapologetic. “I know religiously it’s a sin, but it’s more of a sin if you give birth and can’t care for the child financially, mentally, and otherwise.”
“I want to be happily married and financially stable, and then I can consider having a child. There are no intentions of making a child suffer on my part.”
“They make it seem like time is running out and your value goes down if you don’t have kids” — Tolu*, 31, Lagos
She is child-free by choice and currently unmarried.
Society hasn’t made it easy. “They ask intrusive questions, make it seem like you have expired as a woman after 30.” She notes that some female friendships dissolve or strain when one of the friends becomes a mother. “They make it seem like time is running out and your value goes down if you don’t have kids.”
But there are upsides, she says: “You can plan your finances better.”
Would she ever change her mind? “When I’m financially buoyant and married, it could change, or not.”
“Aunties really do expect children to grow on trees or just have them with anyone.” — Ibinabo*, 27, Lagos
She considers herself childfree by choice. She’s not in a place to have or raise children. “I would love to have a couple of kids when I have a responsible partner.”
Family has been on her ass about a romantic relationship and having kids. She shares that the phrase “do things in a timely manner” is typically the narrative. “Aunties really do expect children to grow on trees or just have them with anyone.”
I need people to know this: “It is responsible to live childfree.”
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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14 Ridiculous Things People Say to Childfree Women
TW: No 14 mentions rape.
1. “You’ll regret it—who will take care of you when you’re old?”
This one is common. It assumes that the only reason to have children is for retirement care, reducing parenting to an insurance policy.
2. “You’d make such a great mother!”
Often meant as a compliment, but it undermines a woman’s choice by suggesting she’s denying some natural destiny.
3. “Not a real woman—you’re selfish!”
This accusation assumes that womanhood is defined solely by motherhood and that prioritising yourself is a moral failing.
4. “Are you gay?” or “Is this just because you’re copying Western ways?”
As though queerness or Western influence are the only logical explanations for a Nigerian woman not wanting children.
5. “You’ll end up lonely—who will look after you then?”
Fearmongering at its finest. It’s rooted in the belief that a child is a lifelong emotional and financial safety net.
6. “Your body was made for this.”
A classic example of biological essentialism. It reduces a woman’s value to her reproductive organs.
7. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
This completely ignores the fact that adoption is still parenthood, and assumes the woman’s decision is based solely on biology.
8. “When you turn 30 or 40, you’ll change your mind.”
Because clearly, women can’t be trusted to make decisions about their lives until they’re old enough to ‘know better.’
9. “People say barren women are cursed or useless.”
Infertility and child freedom are often unfairly lumped together, with both being used to shame or isolate women, especially in traditional communities.
10. “What about your husband? Won’t he want kids?”
This centers the man’s desires and assumes that marriage automatically comes with babies, no negotiation.
11. “At least get married first, then you’ll see.”
This implies that marriage is the magical switch that will trigger baby fever in all women. Spoiler: it’s not.
12. “You must be infertile or hiding the truth.”
The assumption is that no sane woman would choose to be childfree, so she must be lying or broken.
13. “How can a young woman not want children?”
It’s seen as unnatural or rebellious for a woman in her twenties or thirties to declare she doesn’t want kids, even temporarily.
14. “I hope you get raped so you’ll enjoy motherhood.”
One Nigerian Redditor shared this horrifyingly misogynistic wish.
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