My yearly reminder that if you’re about to have a baby for a man you aren’t married to, please give your child YOUR last name. If you’re having a baby for a deadbeat thats ghosted or isn’t involved, pls leave his name off the birth certificate. Your life will be SO much easier.
A few days ago, a conversation started on Twitter about mothers giving children their maiden names, particularly if they’ve been estranged from the child’s father.
This, of course, is to primarily make life easier for said mothers, particularly in situations where the approval of both parents would be needed for certain processes like specialised medical procedures and visa or passport applications for a minor.
This discourse led to debates on gender equality and women’s rights. Some people also claim it’s not unusual for women to retain their maiden names in certain Nigerian cultures, like the Igbo culture.
But where does the Nigerian Law stand on this?
According to the Marriage Act and other legal frameworks in Nigeria, no Law requires or demands a woman to take up her husband’s last name. The issue of name-changing is solely based on traditional and customary practices in Nigeria.
Also, the Nigerian Law makes provisions for the rights to personal dignity and freedom of thought and expression; as such, every woman has the freedom to decide whether or not she wants to keep her maiden name.
Zikoko Citizen reached out to some women, and they shared their thoughts.
Here’s what they said:
Precious believes keeping your maiden name is the best option for any woman. According to her, having your husband’s last name is a “colonial influence,” which creates lots of stress with documentation updates and is “extremely stressful and unnecessary”.
On the other hand, Zainab has no issues with taking up her husband’s last name. For her, even though she’s fine with keeping her maiden name, her spouse’s feelings are a priority in making such a decision. “If he’s cool with it, I’d replace my middle name with my present last name; if he’s not, I’d gladly replace my last name with his,” she says.
Bisola also shares this sentiment, saying that although she hasn’t given it much thought, she doesn’t mind giving up her maiden name.
But Bisola understands it might be difficult for women who have already established themselves using their maiden names, she says, “Couples should compromise to have a hyphenated last name to pass on to their children.”
A hyphenated last name is the combined name of two spouses, for instance, “Ojo-Hassan”. She also adds that this would give women a chance to carry on their father’s legacy, “Some families only have female children; imagine if they all went on to take on their husband’s last name? That would mean that if their father dies, the family name dies with him.”
Also in support of hyphenation is Lisa; she thinks this would make the lives of women already successful in various fields easier, particularly in academia, where research papers have been published using their maiden names.
Chioma, who’s a queer woman, also encourages hyphenated last names. She says, “Although my partner and I have agreed to keep our maiden names, we’ll be giving our children a hyphenated last name as we want them to have both our names”. For them, it allows and empowers them to build a “new” family unit.
Clearly, many Nigerian women think it’s time for everyone to let go of their beliefs about taking up or compulsorily giving children their partner’s last name. A significant amount of support is also needed from the government to make life easier for women who choose to do so. Women-centred NGOs like the Wevvo Foundation and Fatima Balaraba Foundation have started a petition to the Nigerian Immigration Service to implement its policy on accepting consent letters from mothers to process passports for minors. With this, we are optimistic about the level of choice everyone gets to enjoy with names, naming, and being named.
Being bullied based on an actual or perceived sexual character is something many Nigerian women are familiar with. I mean, we’re a society that calls women “ashewo” for travelling alone or just having money.
It’s our “normal”, but no woman expects to be slut-shamed by a significant other. Yet these seven Nigerian women have experienced it.
“He shared my nudes with his friends” — Dordor, 23
I was 20 when I started dating this 35-year-old man. The age gap was serious, but I was going through a lot with my family, which made me run away from home. He was there for me, even though he also had some drama of his own — he’d just been dumped by his baby mama. Somehow, we grew close and started a relationship.
Eight months in, he gave me his phone to do something on his WhatsApp. I’m not the type of girlfriend who wants to know what you’re doing on your phone. But that day, I found his chat with his married friend who lives in Canada. Lo and behold, there was a gif image of my vagina. I was shook.
I scrolled through the chat history to find several sexual voice notes I’d sent to him. It turns out the guy was bragging about my sexual nature to his friends; I was the smallie he’d deflowered.
I read everything and just kept quiet. When he came back and noticed something was off, he asked, and I confronted him with the evidence. You won’t believe the MF denied it. I left his house so I wouldn’t break a bottle on someone’s head, and he kept calling and threatening me not to leave him. I blocked him everywhere. The following day, as early as 6 a.m., I got a voice note from him — via a second number I’d totally forgotten about — begging me in the name of God. LOL. The relationship ended there.
“He claimed I was exposing myself… while breastfeeding his child” — Nina*, 27
I always thought my husband was a sensible person until we had our son in January [2023].
As a first-time mum, I had a difficult time adjusting to my reality. My mum left after one month of omugwo, and I was basically on my own till my husband returned from work every night. I think I even had postpartum depression.
When our son was three months old, we attended a friend’s wedding. It was my first time at an event after giving birth, and this boy was seriously showing me pepper. He kept crying, so we were juggling between petting and feeding him. At one point, he refused to take the bottle, so I had to breastfeed. I noticed my husband’s face change and asked what was wrong. He said, and I quote, “See how you just brought out your breast in this crowded place. Those guys were staring and lusting at your nipples. You should know how to cover up. Your whole breast is out.”
I don’t know whether it was the frustration, but I gave him a good piece of my mind right there. I’m sure the table beside us heard my voice. My husband started begging and promised never to try it again. He hasn’t tried it again.
I have mostly male friends, and I met my ex-boyfriend at a party hosted by one of these friends. That’s why I’m still shocked he woke up one day and told me to stop talking to my male friends.
We’d been dating for about six months at the time, and he knew I’d been friends with most of these guys for years. Even my friends’ girlfriends knew me and had no problem with me.
He started by dropping murmurs about how I felt comfortable being around guys when I know I have a big ass. Talking about, “What if they think you’re giving them green light?” or “Don’t you think they’ll hit it if you allow them?”
The complaints soon progressed to, “No one wants to be just friends with a fine babe like you”. Foolish lover girl that I was, I thought he was just joking. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he tried to prevent me from attending one of the guys’ birthday parties. His reason? I looked too hot, and he thought I’d stopped talking to the guy. I dumped his insecure ass.
“He hid my thongs” — Favour*, 22
I started wearing thongs about a year ago because I was tired of the noticeable lines normal panties show when you wear a tight-fitting outfit.
The first day my boyfriend at the time noticed it, he went bonkers. According to him, only sex workers and strippers wore thongs. He also said it’d attract undue attention from men. I thought he was joking, but the next time I went to his place for the weekend, he took my thongs from my bag and hid them while I slept. In the morning, I couldn’t find them so I asked him. He said I was proving stubborn and that he’d rather buy me dozens of new underwear than allow me to wear thongs again. Funny enough, I didn’t break up with him then because I thought his offering to “protect me” was romantic.
“He accused me of wanting attention at the pool” — Lizzy*, 26
My ex-boyfriend and I planned a pool date. I don’t know what he expected me to wear, but he was visibly shocked when I turned up in a bikini. I started getting attention from other people there — male and female alike — and he took offence. He said I deliberately wore a bikini because I wanted attention from men. I had to tie a wrap around my waist till we left.
“He wanted me to stop posting on social media” — Abby, 20
My ex had issues with guys commenting on my pictures on Instagram. Ironically, he also used to drop “likes” on other girls’ pictures.
According to him, likes were his way of acknowledging he saw your post, but comments meant you liked what you saw so much you had to talk about it. He said posting pictures and allowing comments suggested I wanted validation from other men when I already had him. I didn’t stop, and we later broke up because he cheated on me.
“He insulted me on the first date” — Toyin*, 27
From our talking stage, I really should’ve known this guy was “traditional” when he said he believed women shouldn’t work and should be taken care of by their men.
We decided to meet up for a first date after talking for three weeks, and I wore a bodycon dress. The date was okay, but when it was time for him to drop me off, he said something like, “If not that I know you’re a good girl, I would’ve mistaken you for someone who does hookup”. He then advised me about dressing in certain ways to avoid sending the wrong message. He also talked about how it was only hookup girls who wore anklets (I was wearing one).
I calmly listened to all he said and blocked him everywhere immediately after getting home.
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
There comes a time in every naturalista’s life when trying to figure out a cute protective style suddenly becomes rocket science, or you simply don’t have the time to. The afro comes in handy, but you don’t have to stick to one afro style.
Switch up your ‘fro with these hairstyles.
Afro with side plaits
Image: Sunika.co.za
You don’t need to have expert plaiting skills to achieve this look. Add two or three simple flat twists, secured with bobby pins, to one or both sides of your head, and you’re good to go.
Twist out afro
Image: Natural Hair Mag
This look can be achieved by styling your damp, moisturised hair in large twists (preferably the night before), allowing it to dry completely before untwisting, and using your fingers to comb them out slightly.
Side part afro
Image: Glory Okings
Whether your ‘fro is short or long, this style will look good, and it’s easy to make too. Just comb your hair out and part the side you prefer.
TBH, rocking a full afro involves serious skills. You’ll have to make sure your ‘fro stays full, round and doesn’t bow to humidity. But once you hack it, you’re sure of a bold, beautiful look every time.
If you have fuller hair, you can also try a low afro. Just be sure to use enough conditioner and bobby pins or other accessories to hold your hair halfway down.
High ponytail afro
Image: All things savvy
For better hold, use a shoelace or satin hair tie to keep your ‘fro in place. The idea is for it to be firm, but not too tight.
Low ponytail afro
Image: Jumia
If your ‘fro isn’t long enough for a high ponytail, you can also go low.
Double afro puffs
Image: Coils and glory
When one ponytail isn’t enough, do double.
Mohawk afro
Image: Byrdie
There’s absolutely nothing boring about a mohawk. Best believe you’ll be turning heads with this look.
This style might be tricky, especially for 4C hair, but it can be achieved by styling your hair like you would a twist out, with lots of water and mousse, and positioning it how you want it to look immediately after, so it dries like that. Keeping it that way throughout the day may be tricky, but it can work.
Half-up afro
Image: Hot beauty health
Why choose between a ponytail and a full afro when you can have both?
Afro with cornrows
Image: Hairadviser
If you’re one of those witches insanely talented people who know how to make cornrows on themselves, this style is a stunning alternative to a full ‘fro.
Short afro
Image: Junior Green
Short hair? You can also rock your ‘fro with style. For volume, comb out your natural hair or play with whatever accessories you like. The goal is to be your best fashionable self in whatever hairstyle you choose.
Women go through a lot in this life. When we’re not being subbed for being unable to decide what to eat, we’re getting called out for simply “borrowing” the clothes of our partners and friends. Why this?
See, people need to understand that the best thing that could happen to you is for a woman to claim ownership of your clothes. I’ll explain.
It’s the greatest compliment
A woman actually put clothes you bought on her body? She definitely thinks you’re stylish and have great taste. What greater compliment could there be?
She’s being considerate of your pocket
She knows inflation isn’t smiling, so she’s saving you from buying her clothes as gifts. She’s recycling and doing her part in saving the earth. Get you a considerate queen.
And preventing wastage
Tell the truth, is it all the clothes in your wardrobe you wear at once? There are shirts you probably haven’t worn in three months. Why should they waste away when your babe can put them to good use? Again, get you a considerate queen.
You’ll always be on her mind
Anytime she wears your clothes, she’ll remember you. Do you know what it means for a woman to have you on her mind? Same brain space she’s using to store birthdays, fights from 1997 and period dates? Better appreciate it.
She trusts your judgement
Any woman that wears your clothes trusts you. I mean, you could’ve easily stolen the cloth from a person’s grave or from a vengeful ex who has vowed to disgrace you anywhere they see you wearing it.
It’s her way of showcasing you to the world
Think of it as her way of telling people who she’s with without showing your face, AKA soft launching. It’s possible people have seen you in that outfit, so when your babe wears it, they can tell that both the outfit and the person wearing it are all yours.
At least you know it’s in good hands
Because no one will show more care for a piece of clothing than a woman. Honestly, all your clothes are better off with her.
If there’s one thing you can never go wrong with, it’s telling a woman sweet nothings to make her feel special. So whether you’re trying to leave the friend zone or you want your partner to fall in love again and again, this article will help you do just that.
Sweet words to make her feel loved
Image: Zikoko memes
You love her, but does she know? This list of cute things to send her will help her get the picture.
I love you more than I did yesterday but less than I will tomorrow.
You complete me. Now, I know how Adam felt.
Who needs NEPA/a transformer when you light up my life?
With you by my side, even Lagos traffic feels like paradise.
You’re easily the best part of my day, every day.
If no one is perfect, then your middle name must be “no one”.
I’ve never been this happy to release my mumu button. Just take it. It belongs to you.
Every time I think about you, there’s this weird fluttering in my stomach. I don’t know if that’s what they refer to as butterflies, but I don’t mind it.
Sweet words to make her laugh
Image: Zikoko memes
Even after she’s done reading these, she’ll remember them much later and laugh.
Are you oxygen? Because you’re the reason why I breathe.
Don’t tell my mother, but I fit die on top your matter.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I think you have a really cute laugh, so I hope this makes you laugh.
I’d say I can’t breathe when you’re not near, but we’re not in Bridgerton, so , “Have you eaten?” They practically mean the same thing.
Your middle name should be Google because you’re always right, and you have everything I’ve been searching for in a woman.
Not to be unoriginal, but when I look into your eyes, all I see is your waist.
If this was a Nollywood movie, we’d probably need to investigate if you gave me a love potion. You’re always on my mind.
Anytime I’m sad, I only have to spend a moment with you. Seriously, how do you do it?
I was listening to MC Galaxy’s Fine Girl, and I think he was talking about you. Because, really, na who born this fine girl?
You know what she’d really love, though? Tickets to Zikoko’s HERtitude! Click here to buy some for her
Sweet words when you miss her
Image: Zikoko memes
Why just stick with, “I miss you”, when you can wax lyrical with these options instead?
You’re my happy place, and you’re not here. In summary, I’m not happy. Please fix it because I miss you.
Distance may keep us physically apart, but my heart is never far from you. Can’t wait to see you again.
I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and counting down the minutes till I get to see you again.
I miss the sound of your voice and laughter. Phone calls just don’t cut it anymore.
When you’re not here, I feel incomplete. You’re that one missing piece of the puzzle that’s my life.
You know how it feels when you lose something valuable? That’s how I feel right now. I can’t wait to hold you again.
You’re the ewa agoyin to my bread and the akara to my pap. I can’t live without you. I miss you more than you know.
I miss your beautiful smile, sweet voice and everything about you. Come back to me soon, my love.
Distance may be trying harder than Nigeria’s wahala right now, but my love for you knows no bounds. I miss you, my darling.
Like smoky jollof, you fill my thoughts. No, I’m not hungry. I just really miss you.
Me without you is like a phone without internet connection; plain useless. Come back soon.
Sweet words when she’s angry with you
Image: Zikoko memes
You offended your babe, and now, she won’t talk to you? It might be over for you, but try sending her these cute texts first. There’s no harm in trying.
I messed up, and I really hope you forgive me. Can I send my apology to your bank account?
I really don’t like fighting with you. What can I do to make it better?
We both have coconut heads, but I guess I really love your coconut head. Forgive me?
You mean everything to me. I hope you remember that, even in moments like this.
I messed up. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I love you, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I know you can’t stand me right now, but how do you look so good even when you’re angry?
I hate this so much. Can we make up already?
I know I hurt you, and I’m truly sorry. You mean everything to me. I want to make things right. Can you forgive me?
I don’t have any excuses. For my sake, I hope you’re as forgiving as you’re beautiful.
The Bible said something about not letting the sun set on your anger. Sounds like really good advice right now, don’t you think?
No one’s in a good mood 100% of the time. These texts might be just what she needs to feel better on a sad day.
I know things aren’t the best right now, but I promise they’ll get better. You’re strong and resilient, and I’m always here to help you through it all.
Shit happens, but I want you to always remember you’re loved and cherished. You bring so much joy into my life, and I’ll do anything to make you feel better.
Remember you have one super fan — Me. I’ll always support you.
Hey baby, I’m sorry you’re feeling down today. Don’t forget I’m here for you. Sending you all my love and support.
You came into my life and filled all the dark holes in my heart; I intend to do the same for you every day.
You’re a correct babe, and that’s how I know you’ll get through this. I love you.
Nothing do you. This too shall pass, and I’ll be there with you till we get to the other side.
Sweet words to text her in the morning
Image: Ketut Subiyanto via Pexels
Looking for sweet nothings to say that’d put a smile on her face when she wakes up? We got you.
Good morning, beautiful. I hope you slept well. Have an amazing day ahead of you.
Rise and shine, my love. I’m so grateful to wake up to you every day.
Thinking about you this morning, and I already feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I hope you have a day as extraordinary as you are.
Every morning reminds me that I really hit the girlfriend jackpot with you. I’m so blessed.
Waking up to your smile, whether you’re with me or not, is the best way to start my day. Good morning, beautiful.
I wanted to wish you a day as beautiful as you are, but that’s impossible. Have you seen your beauty? Good morning, my love.
You make every morning better just by being in my life. Thank you for making me the luckiest guy in the world.
I never thought I’d find someone as amazing as you. The universe must really like me. Good morning, my love.
I hope this day brings you all the joy and happiness you deserve. Good morning, my beautiful one.
Here’s to hoping the traffic clears immediately you step out this morning. I love you.
Just thinking of you this morning makes me smile. Good morning, baby.
Talk True is a Zikoko limited series for medical myth-busting. With each episode, we’ll talk to medical professionals about commonly misunderstood health issues to get the actual facts.
Eight out of ten babes probably share this experience: They were living with other ladies for a while, and suddenly, they realised their menstrual periods had synced.
It’s such a widespread notion that one hardly knows when or how it started; we’ve just come to accept it. But is it based on scientific fact or tales-under-the-moonlight material? An internal medicine practitioner, Mary says it’s more of the latter.
What’s period syncing?
“We weren’t taught period syncing in medical school, and that’s largely because it’s not backed by extensive research,” Mary says.
Period syncing describes a popular belief that women who didn’t have synchronised periods before will begin to when they stay in close proximity long enough. It’s also known as Menstrual Synchrony or the McClintock effect.
Dr Martha McClintock was the OG babe who started it all. In 1971, she studied a group of 135 women living in a college dorm and concluded that the female pheromones communicate with each other due to physical closeness, triggering period syncing.
Something about the moon?
Period syncing isn’t limited to close proximity with other women. Other reports claim menstrual cycles also sync with lunar cycles, meaning that periods can be tracked with the different moon phases.
According to this study, if menstruation starts during the full moon phase, it’d mean the woman is most fertile during the new moon — a claim Mary insists has no scientific basis.
“It’s a thing in some cultures — definitely not common in Nigeria, though — but no, you can’t sync with the moon.”
Mary explained that, while there’s little scientific evidence to prove syncing is due to hormones or lunar cycles, there’s actually a valid mathematical explanation.
“Women have different menstrual cycles, and over time, they’ll overlap. For instance, I have a 28-day cycle. This means I won’t start my period on the same day of each month because my cycle doesn’t span a complete month. I can start on the 15th of month one and start on the 18th of the following month. I may even see my period twice in the same month. This probability is higher in those with 26-day cycles, and if such a person is your roommate, your periods will overlap at a point.
It’s different from someone with a complete 30-day cycle who always menstruates on a particular date. Even then, if you live with someone with a different cycle length, overlapping is a possibility.”
It also explains the moon thing. When the early people — read as “our ancestors” — still relied on lunar calendars, it was just natural to track the menstrual cycle with the lunar cycle as both timelines share an approximate average of 28 days. It wasn’t universal, as there would’ve been women with different cycle lengths, but it kinda worked. Again, mathematics.
What do current findings say?
Quite a number of recent studies have debunked the McClintock effect.
“A 2006 study by Human Nature and another one by Oxford University provided data which demonstrated how unlikely it is for women to disrupt each other’s menstrual cycles just by being in close proximity to one another.”
What can actually affect your period?
Since science has agreed that your female bestie doesn’t pose a threat to your menstrual cycle, here are some of the factors Mary confirms can actually affect your period.
“Stress and medication due to certain chronic illnesses can either delay your period or bring it on early. Birth control pills also alter the levels of certain hormones in your body — specifically progesterone and estrogen — and these control when, or if, you see your period.”
The takeaway
Menstrual cycles don’t converge; they diverge — increase indefinitely — during the course of life. If you do feel a connection with the other women in your life, it’s probably a coincidence.
However, if you’ve “synced” with the women you live with before and then experienced an “out of sync” period, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your cycle.
We’ve heard the terrifying pregnancy and childbirth stories and seen the funniest things pregnancy hormones have made women do, but what about those who got the better end of the stick in the reproduction lottery? They’re people too.
So, we asked seven of such Nigerian women to share how their pregnancy and childbirth experiences differed from what they expected.
“I was horny all the time” — Lade, 35
I have two kids, and my first pregnancy was the standard “preggy mama” starter pack. Nausea in the first trimester, crazy food cravings in the second, and a three-times-larger nose in the third trimester.
But you see the second pregnancy? I was cruising all through. No nausea or strange cravings, and I was horny all the time. In fact, my husband was running away from me because he was convinced all the sex we were having could harm the baby. The horniness stopped after childbirth, and even after eight weeks I didn’t want. He became the one begging for sex up and down.
“I had my baby within an hour” — Yemi, 29
People used to tell me first-timers have it difficult in childbirth. Even my doctor told me we couldn’t take chances, and that we needed to be prepared for an extended delivery process. So, I expected the worst.
But the day came, and I had my baby within an hour. I was far gone before I realised I was in active labour. I thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions — I’d had them some weeks before — so I delayed going to the hospital. When I got there with my mum, the nurses discovered I was close to 8 cm dilated. I was immediately wheeled into delivery, and an hour later, I was out with my baby.
“I was a ball of energy” — Mimi*, 25
It seems fitting that pregnant women should feel tired, right? I mean, we’re literally growing another human being inside of us. But me, I was a ball of energy all through. I never had the pregnancy waddle, and it’s not like I was this fit person before pregnancy. I even rearranged the whole house once because I was bursting with energy. My friends were always telling me to calm down.
My son is two now, and I’m beginning to understand why I was so energetic. The boy doesn’t know how to sit down in one place.
Can you handle the hotness of Zikoko’s HERtitude? Click here to buy your ticket and find out
“I didn’t know I was pregnant for the first six months” — Joke*, 29
I always thought these “unaware pregnancies” was a scam until it happened to me. I was six months pregnant before I knew. And how did I know? I started to feel strange movements in my stomach at night, which I initially attributed to gas, but I decided to see the doctor when it became consistent. Voila! They saw a baby in my uterus.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for it. I still had my periods consistently, and no nausea, sickness or any typical pregnancy symptom. I also didn’t have a bump till two weeks before I put to bed. I’m sure my neighbours lowkey think I stole a baby.
“Post-birth recovery was really smooth” — Debby*, 28
A church member told me that the first poop after giving birth would be painful, so I dreaded it even slightly more than childbirth. I’d also heard many stories about post-birth difficulties.
Thankfully, my post-birth recovery was really smooth. The poop was still painful, but it was more constipation-ish than the crazy pain I expected. I also had an easy breastfeeding experience, and holding my baby in my arms for the first time wiped away any pain I thought I had. Now, I know why many of our mothers went through this five or six times.
“I didn’t have stretch marks” — Moyin, 27
This probably sounds shallow, but stretch marks were one of my biggest concerns with pregnancy and childbirth. I know many people who developed stretch marks and even called it a “badge of honour”. I appreciate the sentiment, but I didn’t want them. For context, I do a bit of modelling, and I didn’t want lasting scars.
I must’ve used everything in this world during pregnancy. Shea butter, coconut oil and every anti-stretch mark ointment I know. I also didn’t scratch my belly at all. It worked. I’m four months post-partum now, and zero stretch marks.
“There was no weight gain or huge nose syndrome” — Hannah*, 30
Weight gain and “huge nose syndrome” is like the hallmark of pregnancy, based on what I’ve seen and heard. But I was pleasantly surprised I didn’t experience either. I practically maintained the same shape throughout my pregnancy, minus the belly, of course, and you couldn’t tell I was pregnant by merely looking at my face.
It wasn’t a one-time thing; it was the same experience for my two pregnancies, and I’m grateful for that.
*Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Being the first daughter in a Nigerian home comes with a lifetime of responsibilities, work, and hurt that sticks with you long after you’ve left.
In this article, 12 women talk about their experience as first daughters and how it has affected them.
Kimmy, 23
Growing up as the first daughter in my family, I automatically became my dad’s favorite. That didn’t help much, though. Even though I have an older brother, my status as the first daughter made me responsible for everybody. They’d come to me first if they needed something or if something went wrong. I had to take responsibility for everything — from caring for my siblings to doing the chores around the house. I had to become their mother, never mind that I was a child myself.
It was fun before it became very stressful, and I started to dislike all of them.
Now that I’m older and in school, I don’t like people in my space and prefer to be left alone. It’s why I hardly go home. Also, I’ve learnt to stand up for myself a lot more now, and they’ve given my brother back most of the firstborn duties.
Nnenna, 21
I will blame my parents for everything. I grew up taking care of everybody at home for some odd reason. Because of this, I gravitate towards partners that are super caring and don’t stress my life. I get enough stress from home already.
Also, I was in charge of all the money in the house when I was younger, and we weren’t financially stable. Making money decisions at that age taught me how to save. Now, I’m a compulsive saver. I stick to my savings plans and won’t touch the money, even if I’m dying of hunger.
Perhaps the biggest consequence of being the first daughter is that I hold things until I can’t anymore. It’s a bad habit that I’m unlearning, and I feel like I have to break my back before I deserve appreciation.
Shalewa, 20
It’s like a trinity thing for me — I’m the first daughter, the only daughter, and the last born.
Growing up wasn’t a worthwhile experience. I got the “ only daughter” treatment more than the “last born” one.
Things took a turn when I was 12, and decided I wanted to do the dishes. From that day, my parents decided I would be responsible for all house chores and put all the homemaking business in my hands. Since that day, I’ve cooked, cleaned, and picked up after four grown men (my three brothers and my dad).
I’m fine doing it, but I hate that they make me do it cause I’m a “woman” if I was a man, they wouldn’t move all the work to me and turn me into a mini housemaid.
Besides the daily homemaking chores, I maintain the peace in the house so my brothers don’t remove each other’s heads, put medication on wounds, and do the grocery runs. I’m barely 21!
Yomi, 22
I’m the first daughter in a family of 4. I got my first taste of the first-daughter treatment when my parents were dealing with some issues in their marriage. I was closer to my mum, so I became her adviser and shielded my sister from everything.
As I get older, I’ve realized that I don’t know how to rely on people to provide for me I’m used to helping people. and it takes everything to ask for help. b
I look out for people the same way I did for my sister. Right now, all I think about is shielding my sister from the harsh realities of life.
My life as the firstborn and first daughter means feeling choked by responsibilities — the ones I have already and the ones that are yet to come.
I’m my mum’s first child. But my dad had his kid when he was in secondary school — a daughter. When my parents got married, she lived with us. She was way older than my siblings and me, SO first-daughter duties didn’t start for me until my mum died when I was nine years old. and I moved in with an aunt.
When I hit my 20s, I started to help out the family financially. I currently pay my youngest brother’s school fees and drop money for groceries.
As the first child, I rarely had anyone to confide in or had the luxury of people babying me, so I seek that in my romantic relationships. I enjoy being taken care of emotionally, and I sometimes micromanage my man because he’s a middle child, and you know how they can be.
Princess, 20
I had to take care of my junior siblings at 9 because my parents were busy with their businesses, so I act older than I actually am. My parents expected a lot from me because of my younger siblings, and I won’t lie; it wasn’t fun.
My siblings ended up being spoilt by my mum as I was the only one doing everything.
Now, my parents look up to me as the only person they can trust — my siblings can’t do anything, and they’re very stubborn.
I still do most of the house chores and errands at home. It’s so bad that I don’t like going home.
Jane, 20
I just realised it, but I have a lot of trauma to unpack from growing up as the first daughter.
I had to be the “good and proper” child, which meant bearing a lot for the sake of my siblings. I still try to behave in a certain way so I’m not leaving a “bad example” for my siblings, but I’m consciously trying to be free from those demands and discover what I want.
Claire, 20
Growing up as a first daughter and first child was a lot. I was blamed for everything and anything, even if I wasn’t there when it happened.
There was immense pressure to be a good leader and set a good example for my siblings. I feel like I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes.
Even till this day, there’s a never-ending urge to be there for my siblings emotionally and financially. I never think of myself. Also, I can’t live alone. I grew up with five siblings and got so used to the chaos that came with it.
Thankfully, I don’t have many responsibilities yet since I’m still a student. But I have it drilled into my head that I can’t mess up, and I need to do things right regardless of the discomfort.
Martha, 23
As the first daughter, I had to grow up too fast. There’s a considerable age gap between my sister and me, so it’s not like I was in charge of her that early. I was in charge of my parents.
Their marriage was an abusive one, and I had to play the role of an intermediary. I was constantly picking sides, begging for my mummy, and occasionally getting thrown around. If I wasn’t the first child, I wouldn’t have had to bear the brunt of such dysfunction.
Also, I was responsible for everything in that house. My mum, my sister, and even my father came to me for every little thing they needed. However, nothing I did was ever enough, and it seemed like I had to know what they wanted before they even said it.
Now that I’m older, it’s affecting my relationships because I put everyone before myself. I’d rather experience some discomfort than let a friend or acquaintance, or even a stranger, feel it.
Nevertheless, it’s helped me build some leadership skills — I’m proactive, fair in judgment, and easy to talk to. me proactive, fit for leadership positions, fair, and easy to talk to. I’m the queen of empathy.
I’m 23 years old now, and I’m still responsible for so much. Nothing is ever good enough. I always have to prove myself. Sometimes, I feel like a 42-year-old father of three, and it’s wild because I’m just 23.
Doyin, 31
Growing up as the first daughter was demanding for me because my parents expected more from me than my age allowed me to be. It has really affected me now that I’m older because whenever I remember that I’m the firstborn, I remember all the responsibilities I have and how my siblings are looking up to me — it makes me want to work harder.
Maureen, 25
Honestly, I’ve decided the stress of being the first daughter is never going to change. The trauma is a whole lot. Out of all my siblings, I’m the only one working, and whenever I ask my brother to get a job, he’ll ask me to tell him what he needs one for. Honestly, I’m thankful I negotiated my salary very well. I’d have been borrowing money or doing something illegal just to survive.
Adaorah, 24
My dad and I had this really sweet relationship when I was a child. We’d go out together and listen to highlife music every Sunday evening, and he’d take me to the site where he worked whenever he could. It was interesting.
I think the weight of being a first child hit me when I became a teenager, and my parents thought it was time to let our househelps go. I suddenly became responsible for five children. It was chaotic at first, but I got used to it.
Being a first child made me independent; I can do anything myself. But there are the disadvantages too. Some people say I don’t know how to love because I’m always trying to be strong. They want a vulnerable girl, but you can’t be that way if you’ve always had to be strong for your siblings.
My siblings love me a lot, and I work as hard as I can to get them nice things, but since I can’t afford most things I want to get them, I drift away.
It isn’t the best feeling.
Still on the topic of first daughters: Watch this first episode of Zikoko for Her, in which Chigozie Obi talks about the pressures and struggles of being a first daughter.
We think women are the most hilarious people on earth.
And we have the material to prove it:
Big purr but for the state of my bank account. Purrverty.
Do you really think our lives would be the same if our women weren’t benevolent queens, blessing us all with the obvious hilarity that flows through their veins?
Just imagine.
Imagine a world where you can’t shout “yes” whenever Jola asks, “Are you into gbegborun?”
A world where we don’t know that “the act of being an adult is called grownupicity.”
A world where we don’t know where the bounce is. Is it back from its long trek around Nigeria, or did it go missing?
A world with no validation for the Happy Noisemakers that we all are. Don’t lie, deep down you know you’re a happy noisemaker.
Jola’s book club
Just imagine Jola Ayeye decided the creative industry wasn’t for her, and she stuck to her Politics and Philosophy degree from the University of Durham.
Oh dear, what if Jola became a Nigerian politician?
First of all, everybody will collect because she’ll keep spitting facts in their faces, but they won’t know what’s happening because they think she’s joking around.
A baby girl for life, Jola would bring changes to this country with a vanilla ice cream in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other.
A world where Switope isn’t highlighting the unintentional humour that spirituality and religion are laced with is not one I want to live in. A world where she can’t answer all our wild AF questions on her podcast or show us how to live our best lives on her radio show? A world where we don’t get to watch her skits and marvel at her creativity?
It’s giving you shall not laugh, you shall not smile. Because what really is life if we can’t go from watching someone say the weirdest things like, “There’s a demon in hell that I saw with dreadlocks, but it was a snake dancing on its head” to watching Switope reenact it?
Catching trips, making the bag, and being an international slay mama.
Beverly Adaeze has given us relatable Nigerian aunty content and commentary on all the wild things she’s seen in this life back to back. And they’re a lot.
But what if she never got on the internet to remind us that Nigerian aunties are actually peak comedy, and we never got to hype ourselves as “International Slay Mamas”? Because yes, if you live in Nigeria and can somehow get a visa and buy tickets to leave the country for a quick trip to the Maldives, you’re a baddie, a slay mama who’s gone international. Anybody that wants to argue with you can face a brick wall.
What if, instead of giving us this type of content, Beverly was a hairstylist and travel vlogger. A weird mix, but let it be known that Nigerian women can do anything but accept suffering. And if Beverly decided to toe this path, best believe she’ll be the best at it. Because all you have to do is ask Buhari, there’s nothing better than catching flights in the name of work.
And then there’s Maraji.
Gloria Oloruntobi has been making skits and videos since the days of Musical.ly. She made a video mimicking Reekado Banks’ sugar baby and became our sugar baby, and honestly, the mere thought of not having her and her talent has us stressed and distressed because what would we have done?
Where would we be?
From Nigerian fathers acting like they have body doubles anytime your friends come around, to the different ways your bestie starts moving when they japa, Maraji stays doing the absolute most in every video she drops.
Thankfully, we don’t have to live in a world without these women. From TikTok, to Instagram, Twitter and the other parts of the internet, we get to experience these multifaceted women living in the moment and sharing their funny with us.
Jola Ayeye is a scriptwriter, one half of the “I Said What I Said” podcast and a founding member of the Feminist Coalition, the bad bitch movement of all bad bitch movements.
Up Femco
Ope Keshinro is a radio host, event host and content creator, continuously showing up and showing out.
Beverly Adaeze is a content creator and hairstylist passionate about helping stylists grow their businesses and improve their skills. An international slay mama encouraging women to travel and explore the world around them.
Gloria Oloruntobi is a comedian creating content with her production team that consists of one person, her.
Divine Onobo is a student and content creator who firmly believes “life is never that hard” and moves to show that in her content.
Gabriella Omozele is a content creator and actor. A funny woman to the core, Gabriella came into the scene and made Ms Flora 222, one of her numerous characters, a household name.
Olatunde Onaopemipo is a budding actor and influencer dedicated to creating content unique to her.
Chidera Onoh is a medical student creating content about her life and experiences.
These women are the highlight of our celebration this women’s month, showing up and carrying the weight of the internet’s funny on their back.
I love Nigerian women and I want the best for them. That’s why I’ve come to beg them to not carry some of these behaviours into 2023. It’s a new year; it’s time to do better. Please, don’t do any of these things from today henceforth.
Not knowing what to eat
This year, I need you people to please make life easier for people who care about you. How? By knowing what the hell you want to eat when you’re asked. No more “I don’t know”. Mention a meal, snack, fruit, human being, anything apart from “I don’t know”.
Terrible flirting skills
Staring at someone for five minutes, or liking two of their pictures on social media, won’t be accepted as flirting in 2023. Put. In. The. Work.
Eating pasta
I spent New Year’s Eve in church specifically praying that pasta releases the chokehold it has on Nigerian women. I want more for you and your palate. It’s enough. Time to move forward in life.
Being shy to say you have money
Nigerian women are rich. They’re the real ballers in this life, but they always like to deny it. My good sis, we know the weave you have on your head can pay somebody’s house rent. You can’t hide your wealth, so just own it with your full chest.
Being the planners and organisers
When women were created, they weren’t given the job description of “planner/organiser”. Let other people also plan and organise dates, weddings, parties, vacations, things needed in the house etc., while you relax and drink wine for a change.
Saying you don’t want food
…then eating the offerer’s own. You don’t always know you want what you’re being offered when they offer it, and that’s why you say no. But you should know by now that you’ll always end up wanting it, so just say yes instead of pinching from their food, FGS.
My queens, I beg you to choose comfort this 2023. Instead of carrying slippers up and down while staggering in uncomfortable heels, just wear the slippers from home. Your feet are crying, please.
Frontals with the lace showing
“What lace?” The one that’s showing right there, sis. I can see it all the way from here, and it’s not blending with your skin. Please, don’t bring it into 2023. It’s not by force to do frontal. Closure wigs and braids are also there.
Saying you’re emotionally fine when you’re not
If you’re angry, say you’re angry and stop cooking your anger in your chest. You’re only giving yourself a headache.
