Nigeria | Page 159 of 223

1. When they’re arguing and you try to chook mouth, your mum is like:

My amebo has earned me instant ela!
2. When you now shut up and they say you don’t care about them.

Which one do you people want me to do sef?
3. When one of them comes to talk about the other one to you.

But is it my business?
4. When your dad says he’s still angry but he’s still eating your mum’s food anyhow.

This man is not even hard at all!
5. When your oversabi aunties and uncles now want to chook mouth.

Face your marriage please!
6. When they now start blaming you for allowing the fight go on for this long.

Sha do and be going to your house.
7. You, when you’re talking to one of your parents and they’re just proving stubborn.

Your strong head cannot get you anywhere sha!
8. When they now turn you into messenger when they want to talk to each other.

Because I’m the proverbial grass that is suffering here o!
9. You, when you see your dad sleeping on the couch.

“The man that proves stubborn to his wife will have no bed to sleep in the night” – Wole Soyinka, 1900
10. When you now see both of them laughing and talking together suddenly.

Is that how you people used to do?
11. The next time they start fighting and mention your name, you’re like:

I am not chooking hand in your wahala again!
First of all, we are happy something good is coming out of Nigeria. Since the Recession wahala, there’s been very little to laugh or even joke about.

Now, one of us is very likely going to make the Guinness World Records for carrying a football on his head and cycling 64 miles.

This Nigerian soccer player cycled 64 miles with a ball on his head. ⚽️

Will he get into the Guinness Book of Records? pic.twitter.com/K3vXEs6gkb
— AJ+ (@ajplus) November 21, 2016

His name is Harrison Chinedu, and no one has carried out this amazing feat before, so there’s really no World Record to break.

I mean he rode from the outskirts of Lagos, all the way to Surulere, dodged countless potholes and numerous bad drivers! This is actually insanely awesome!

Guinness World Record people, why have you not put his name in the book already?

If you guys don’t put it, we will fight you!
1. When you’re cooking indomie and NEPA decides to be unfortunate.

Thier plan is to starve you to death!
2. How people queue up in front of Shop 10:

You people will not go for classes abi?
3. When you finish eating at Salado and they show you the bill.

This small food? Abeg, lemme vomit it o!
4. You, when your crush sees you eating beans in front of Jaja.

Let me hide my shame o!
5. When you run to Iya Moria to buy their bomb rice and it has finished.

My enemies are not sleeping.
6. You, when you discover the pounded yam at Computer!

Why have you people been hiding this greatness from me?
7. When you get to Alhaja’s shop in 2001 Cafeteria and they don’t have plantain.

What do you mean? What are you now selling here?
8. When you’re in school on Sunday and NO ONE bothers to open for you!

Hunger has taken control of my body already now.
9. You and the suya mallams in Moremi are like:

You will now top it with cold garri and milk.
10. When someone nice now surprises you with free Chicken and Chips!

My number 1 padi!
11. When you buy take-away food and you start praying your roommates are not in the hostel.

My God in heaven, help me send all those beggy-beggy roommates away o!
12. Your roommates, when they now see you bringing food to the room.

Their own is for food only!
13. How you enter Olaiya, because you know they always have amala.

The realest canteen on campus!
We all know Nigerians can be extra in everything. But when it comes to ALL things wedding, our extra is raised to the power of 100! Just look at:

And now, see this wedding proposal we came across.

https://twitter.com/DoyeAlba/status/800230247409053696

What’s all this one, please?

So what if the girl had been in an accident when she was running? Or worse, developed a heart attack and actually died?

If it were us ehn, the kind beating we go hammer him ehn, his head will reset sharply!

Would you like this sort of proposal, though? Guys, would you take a proposal this far?
1. When you take the first spoonful

This doesn’t look so bad.
2. Then the taste hits you

Blood of Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
3. But the person that cooked it is staring at you

“Do you like it?”
4. You’re there trying to smile while you’re thinking…

Death, na you be this?
5. You’re dying and smiling like it’s a 5-star meal

Bros, these are tears of joy, not disgust.
6. You swallow and nearly faint

I think I just tasted an eyeball…IN RICE!!
7. The person offers you more and you start to wonder if you’re really going to die now

Or maybe i’m dead already and this is hell.
8. When you realise this is just the first spoon, there’s still a whole plate in front of you

Maybe I should just jump out of the window.
1. When your biology teacher’s excitement is way over the top and he starts the class like:

What is doing this one?
2. When you have to go all the way to the biology laboratory for your class.

Very stressful something!
3. When you mistakenly open a bottle of ammonia and the smell hits you.

What’s that smell?
4. You, when the smell now decides not to leave your body again.

But who sent me message now?
5. When the topic is ‘Reproduction’ and all the boys in the class are super excited.

Perverts!
6. When it’s time to draw a frog and your own is looking like a cow.

My shame is now complete!
7. All the notes your biology teacher now expects you to copy.

Kuku kill me!
8. You, when it’s time for frog dissection

I am disgusted!
9. You, when you see people getting excited to dissect the frog.

You people need Jesus!
10. When your biology teacher is not around, and one boring individual now comes to teach you.

Only oversabi students will be enjoying the class.
11. When your biology teacher says it’s time to start naming all the trees in school.

Why?
12. When your teacher wants to teach the sex part in Reproduction, he’s like:

“If a boy touches you, you’ll die!”
13. You, when you suddenly hear ‘tear a sheet of paper’.

Jesus!Test ke!
14. You, when your teacher catches you dozing and calls you to answer his question.

I am finished today!
We all know baba Atiku as former Vice President during Olusegun Obasanjo’s tenure. But lately, he’s been showing us a different persona on social media and we’re all wondering why.

Could it be a campaign of sorts; as part of his lifelong ambition to be President of Nigeria?

I mean, just look at this:

Earlier today, I also learned to do this dance they called dab pic.twitter.com/G7wDLoQ3IJ
— Atiku Abubakar (@atiku) November 17, 2016

Baba Atiku, what did we just see please?

You’ve not seen anything, just look at how Twitter users now responded:

See how this person threw shade at Hilary Clinton, former US presidential candidate.

@atiku have you no knowledge of international politics sir? lmao if you dab you lose. pic.twitter.com/Kn0oJmyxHk
— Quasimodo. (@YousufJinadu) November 17, 2016

Did you also notice this in the video?

@atiku the guy next to you moved b4 you chook him in the eyes
— Adam Kabir Abdullahi (@ak_abdullahi) November 17, 2016

See this one, Joseph the Dreamer.

@atiku I know you won’t agree Sir but can’t stop seeing you in my dreams, u will be Nigerian Trump come 2019. Just watch out. Luck.
— Gafah Moave (@gafah2015) November 18, 2016

Plenty people are not alright in this country!
1. If they shout at you like this, the whole world will hear.

Every time shout! They don’t know the meaning of ‘calm down’.
2. When you mistakenly say ‘hello’ to people of the opposite sex, they’re like:

It’s only them you must talk to at all times.
3. They will now say you should forget all your friends and be alone!

So that they can limit your greatness in life!
4. How they treat you in front of their friends.

Because they think your wahala is too much!
5. You, when they now want to make the mistake of hitting you:

You’re not on seat for rubbish!
6. Them, anytime you want to talk about your feelings.

They don’t have time for that.
7. You, waiting for them to reply your messages.

They’ll ignore you on WhatsApp and be doing oversabi on Facebook.
8. You, when you have small fight and they start using all your secrets against you.

Na you fuck up.
9. They are the president of Naggers Association of Nigeria.

They only have mouths for nagging, nothing like compliment for you!
10. How they now start begging you after they’ve given you wahala.

But you’re not here for that sha!
1. You, when they post you to a school and you think your easy life has started.

My God is not asleep!
2. How you enter your class for the first time.

Teacher Chike is n town!
3. How you sleep in the morning because you think you can stab classes anyhow.

Those students have learnt enough for this week.
4. When the principal now notices you and starts parading the school for role call.

Nawa for you people o!
5. And the one stubborn student in your class now starts to show herself.

Disturbing your class everytime!
6. You, when the student starts with her wahala again.

Don’t kill me for my mummy abeg!
7. How the other teachers look at you when you don’t go for assembly.

You people should free me, please.
8. How the students look at you when you drop one big English.

“What is this one saying now?”
9. You, when you’ve being teaching your students for hours, but they still don’t get it.

I am surrounded by olodos!
10. You, when you hear your friends in the ministry are collecting 10k

And I’m here suffering and collecting 2k?
11. You, when the principal says you must come for extra lessons.

See the stress!
12. How you happily leave when you’re FINALLY done with NYSC

See you NEVER!
This DISASTER happened in Japan on November 8, 2016.

The road was fixed in 2 days and was opened for use on November 15.

We only have one question. HOW???

Please are we all on this same planet?

How long has the Nigerian Government been fixing the Lagos – Ibadan expressway again?

Are we not doing ourselves in this country?

President Buhari, is this how we will continue?

All Nigerian politicians who have a chance to fix things but ignore them, remember this:

1. When they’re arguing and you try to chook mouth, your mum is like:

2. When you now shut up and they say you don’t care about them.

3. When one of them comes to talk about the other one to you.

4. When your dad says he’s still angry but he’s still eating your mum’s food anyhow.

5. When your oversabi aunties and uncles now want to chook mouth.

6. When they now start blaming you for allowing the fight go on for this long.

7. You, when you’re talking to one of your parents and they’re just proving stubborn.

8. When they now turn you into messenger when they want to talk to each other.

9. You, when you see your dad sleeping on the couch.

10. When you now see both of them laughing and talking together suddenly.

11. The next time they start fighting and mention your name, you’re like:

First of all, we are happy something good is coming out of Nigeria. Since the Recession wahala, there’s been very little to laugh or even joke about.

Now, one of us is very likely going to make the Guinness World Records for carrying a football on his head and cycling 64 miles.

His name is Harrison Chinedu, and no one has carried out this amazing feat before, so there’s really no World Record to break.

I mean he rode from the outskirts of Lagos, all the way to Surulere, dodged countless potholes and numerous bad drivers! This is actually insanely awesome!

Guinness World Record people, why have you not put his name in the book already?

If you guys don’t put it, we will fight you!

1. When you’re cooking indomie and NEPA decides to be unfortunate.

2. How people queue up in front of Shop 10:

3. When you finish eating at Salado and they show you the bill.

4. You, when your crush sees you eating beans in front of Jaja.

5. When you run to Iya Moria to buy their bomb rice and it has finished.

6. You, when you discover the pounded yam at Computer!

7. When you get to Alhaja’s shop in 2001 Cafeteria and they don’t have plantain.

8. When you’re in school on Sunday and NO ONE bothers to open for you!

9. You and the suya mallams in Moremi are like:

10. When someone nice now surprises you with free Chicken and Chips!

11. When you buy take-away food and you start praying your roommates are not in the hostel.

12. Your roommates, when they now see you bringing food to the room.

13. How you enter Olaiya, because you know they always have amala.

We all know Nigerians can be extra in everything. But when it comes to ALL things wedding, our extra is raised to the power of 100! Just look at:

And now, see this wedding proposal we came across.

What’s all this one, please?

So what if the girl had been in an accident when she was running? Or worse, developed a heart attack and actually died?

If it were us ehn, the kind beating we go hammer him ehn, his head will reset sharply!

1. When you take the first spoonful

2. Then the taste hits you

3. But the person that cooked it is staring at you

4. You’re there trying to smile while you’re thinking…

5. You’re dying and smiling like it’s a 5-star meal

6. You swallow and nearly faint

7. The person offers you more and you start to wonder if you’re really going to die now

8. When you realise this is just the first spoon, there’s still a whole plate in front of you

1. When your biology teacher’s excitement is way over the top and he starts the class like:

2. When you have to go all the way to the biology laboratory for your class.

3. When you mistakenly open a bottle of ammonia and the smell hits you.

4. You, when the smell now decides not to leave your body again.

5. When the topic is ‘Reproduction’ and all the boys in the class are super excited.

6. When it’s time to draw a frog and your own is looking like a cow.

7. All the notes your biology teacher now expects you to copy.

8. You, when it’s time for frog dissection

9. You, when you see people getting excited to dissect the frog.

10. When your biology teacher is not around, and one boring individual now comes to teach you.

11. When your biology teacher says it’s time to start naming all the trees in school.

12. When your teacher wants to teach the sex part in Reproduction, he’s like:

13. You, when you suddenly hear ‘tear a sheet of paper’.

14. You, when your teacher catches you dozing and calls you to answer his question.

We all know baba Atiku as former Vice President during Olusegun Obasanjo’s tenure. But lately, he’s been showing us a different persona on social media and we’re all wondering why.

Could it be a campaign of sorts; as part of his lifelong ambition to be President of Nigeria?

I mean, just look at this:

Baba Atiku, what did we just see please?

You’ve not seen anything, just look at how Twitter users now responded:

See how this person threw shade at Hilary Clinton, former US presidential candidate.

Did you also notice this in the video?

See this one, Joseph the Dreamer.

Plenty people are not alright in this country!

1. If they shout at you like this, the whole world will hear.

2. When you mistakenly say ‘hello’ to people of the opposite sex, they’re like:

3. They will now say you should forget all your friends and be alone!

4. How they treat you in front of their friends.

5. You, when they now want to make the mistake of hitting you:

6. Them, anytime you want to talk about your feelings.

7. You, waiting for them to reply your messages.

8. You, when you have small fight and they start using all your secrets against you.

9. They are the president of Naggers Association of Nigeria.

10. How they now start begging you after they’ve given you wahala.

1. You, when they post you to a school and you think your easy life has started.

2. How you enter your class for the first time.

3. How you sleep in the morning because you think you can stab classes anyhow.

4. When the principal now notices you and starts parading the school for role call.