I’m walking home on a rather sunny evening, thinking about how I’m going to acquire my lamborghini, when I notice 2 kids who seem to be having a good time.
Okay boy’s don’t forget talk to about what aunty taught you in school today.
I decide to keep minding my business, since it seemed like a harmless gathering.
“Let me be fast before these children come and ask me 2×2 that I don’t even remember”
After increasing my pace, I had to pause when I heard one of them say “your daddy is a bombastic element”
And the next kid replies; “You mean my daddy? it’s my own father you’re calling bombastic”
I took a few steps back, and tried to ask..
..what’s going on here boys?
It’s this American dustbin that called my own father a bombastic element, my father !
Wawu this is getting serious o. But why did you say that to him?
Haa aunty this boy is a Jabajantis stupendus liar.
Meee! Ohh my life
We were just playing oh, that’s how he said my head is like watermelon. Then I abused his daddy.
Small abuse and he is now angry, rubbish
Meanwhile, their noise had attracted all the kids on the street.
Oyaa continue
This boy is just an Unflushable toilet. Can’t you see his head? Was I lying aunty?
The other kids were already shouting ‘yeeeeeee’
Since I was the only old person there, I tried to counsel them.
Everybody, just calm down, it’s not good to fight, if you fight you will go to hell fire.
While I was being a saviour, one of the kids said ” this aunty is a nonsense and ingredient konkorbility, who put her mouth? “
wait, but, what? what did I do?
They all started laughing at me, and then I realised I had overstayed my welcome.
I took a long miserable walk of shame back home.
I wondered if they were alright, but realised even I wasn’t alright for not minding my business.
Let’s ask ourselves one question. Was this game a fair one? No, it was not! Before I proceed with my analysis, If you aren’t good at math, you have to follow my calculations step by step.
The Nigerian Jersey is perhaps the best Jersey the World Cup ever saw! I said it, shoot me!
Therefore,
Nigerian Jersey 1- England Jersey 0
Nigeria’s Supporters Club remain undefeated with their energy, no arguments. England fans couldn’t even try!
Nigeria 1 – England 0
Honestly, the Pepsi ad could make Nigeria pass for the new Wakanda ( going too far?)
When England produces their video, I’d give them a point. But for now,
Nigeria 1 – England 0
Not one England player can dribble the way our legendary Victor Moses ridiculed Harry Kane, his name is Moses for a reason.
Nigeria 1 – England 0
This is hard to admit but I have to say Nigeria took a big L when the commentator said “Nigeria today is not as bright as their jersey”.
I felt it in my soul. It hurt, it really did.
So, Nigeria 0 – England 1
Anyway, Nigerians made a customised keke. A whole hand painted keke (a.k.a tricycle). I bet England doesn’t even have a customised bicycle
Nigerian Creativity 1 – England Creativity 0
If I don’t add the scores from the match itself, they will say I’m biased, but do I really have to?
Okay okay okay if you insist.
Nigeria 1- England 2
Final Score: Nigeria 6 – England 3
Thank me Later.
Nigerian weddings are the best from the small chops to the outfits to the music, what’s not to love? Well, these ten things.
You’ll spend 4 hours in Lagos traffic trying to get to a wedding, you get there and they tell you food has finished.
Better bring out the small chops if you don’t want me to show my true colours
When your primary school friend’s sister’s cousin brings a bill for Aso-Ebi for her wedding
Where do I know you from, please?
When you get a wedding invitation for yet another Saturday you wanted to spend in your bed
Must you people marry sef?
When your friend brings the Aso-Ebi bill and it’s almost the same amount as your monthly salary
Are you trying to send me to an early grave
When after buying 50k Aso-Ebi the person serving small chops tries to walk past you
Do you think I’m here to play? Abi you thought the Aso-Ebi was free?
When they tell you that the wedding is strictly by invitation so you stroll in at 4 expecting to find a seat
It’s first come first serve my brother
How the bouncers block you if you make the mistake of coming without your invitation
Ahan it’s wedding now not Escape
When they tell you it’s a destination wedding after you’ve paid for the Aso-Ebi
Did I tell you I have money to go to Enugu, you want me to follow you to Seychelles??!!
When the couple tells you it’s just a small wedding so you keep it simple only for you to get to the wedding and it’s bigger than OLIC
So you people’s plan was to disgrace me
After buying Aso-Ebi and the souvenir doesn’t get to you
You people had better go and bring out my own bucket
While we are on the topic of weddings, do you think bride price is necessary?
Let’s not deceive ourselves. When a person leaves their house to come and celebrate at a party, they’re also expecting that you will fill their stomach in return. Let us now look at all the drinks you’ll find at a Nigerian party, and why they aren’t bringing the drinks you want to your table.
Cocktail.
This is the only drink you need a visa to get in some parties. You literally have to have cards, special cards. You know you’re blown when people are hustling cards to get a cup of cocktail and it’s casually brought to your table! VIP wayyy.
Hennessy, Moet & Ciroc Gang.
The Unshakable Table, aka The Gentlemen’s Club. Full stop.
Velveta, Eva, Don Simon, Andre, and friends
You’re welcome, grab a seat and join us.
Star, Heineken, Goldberg, it’s all beer!
and they love it.
Got Juice?
Which one sir? Chivita or 5 Alive?
Excuse me, Can I have a can of Malt?
Okay do you want Maltina or Malta Guinness? We also have Maltex and Amstel Malta, I also have malt liquor and…
JUST GIVE ME MALTINA ABEG!
“We only have minerals.”
Please, just drink your Coke or Fanta or Schweppes or Parle Soda, eat your food, and be going.
Nestle Life, Eva, Aquafina. Let me drink my water and be happy.
At least I’m not destroying my liver.
“See bros please just give me any Bottled Water you have”
Thank you.
So tell us, what drinks did we miss?
Also, clubs are a type of party right?
“Excuse me nurse please where is the Doctor?”
You are looking at her.
“You want to specialize? When you haven’t found husband?”
Who husband epp?
“Aunty please help us call the main Doctor”
Please explain yourself
“Small girl like you, so you mean you are a doctor?”
Who are you calling small girl?
“Aunty Doctor, Aunty nurse”
It’s just Doctor, please
“Ehn I know you are not a nurse just help me call the male Doctor”
The level of disrespect
“Eh nurse wait stop talking let me talk to the main Doctor”
I’m confused he’s a medical student
“I’m not saying you don’t know your work o, just help me call your oga”
Look at me I’m the oga here
“You are a doctor? Your husband is trying o, hope you have time for him”
Is that what we are here for?
“You mean you are a doctor doctor? And you are a woman?”
And so what?
“Sister but you are too fine to be a doctor now”
Better face your front
In a Nigerian home, there’s a very fine line between being a child and being an adult. 21 might be the official legal age for most things like voting or drinking but if you think that’s when you come of age then you are a joker. To prevent your parents from calling a family meeting on your head, here’s how you really know you’ve come of age in a Nigerian home.
When your mum starts putting two pieces of meat on your rice.
Is this me
When they ask for your opinion during a family meeting.
You mean you want my opinion??
When you are still out at 7pm and your mother hasn’t called you ten times
I don’t understand what’s happening right now
When they start using style to ask you if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Is this a trick question?
When your parents stop sending you pocket money just because you got one small job like that
Am I not your child again?
When they start asking you what you are still doing in their house.
Is it not our house again?
When they bring NEPA bill and your parents ask how much you are going to contribute
But when did this one start?
When your mum starts asking you for grandchildren
Please ma stop this rough play
When you can go out without dropping 5 working days notice
Ehn sho mo age mi
When during family prayer your parents only prayer point for you is to get married and leave their house.
When did this one start?
When you tell your parents you have a boyfriend and they reply ‘Thank God o!’
Is it that serious?
But the surest way to know you’ve come of age is when they give you signs you’re ready to become a parent. Are you ready to have a child? Watch this video to find out what Nigerians have to say about parenthood.
In Nigeria being a single woman is very hard.
Sometimes even harder than you might imagine.
One minute you are a baby girl living your life, the next minute everyone is asking you ‘when will you marry?’
When did this happen?
In fact once you hit a certain age everyone from your gateman to your boss at work is advising you to go to Shiloh
But what is your business?
It doesn’t matter who you are and what you’ve achieved. The only important question is ‘why are you single?’
“Oh you just won a Nobel Prize? Husband nko?”
Before you know it all of your friends start to get married even the ones you thought were single pringles like you
What a betrayed
It doesn’t help that their married status seems to come with infinite wisdom and they take it upon themselves to cure the disease that is your singleness.
You better face your marriage
Nowhere is safe. You go to church to worship your Lord God and Saviour, and some church aunty will ambush you about attending singles fellowship
Did I say I was single and searching?
When you even try to date the men act like they are doing you a favour. “You don’t know you are old abi, I’m just trying to epp your life”
You are 40 and living with your parents epp your own life first.
What of living alone as a single woman?
You are living alone? And you are single? You must be an asewo
Before you know it everyone is trying to hook you up, including your Aunty Yejide who has had 7 husbands
Please don’t disturb me
You’ve not even found bae but everyone keeps asking you “children nko”?
Will they fall from heaven?
And it’s not even like you had a problem being single you were perfectly fine but now you can help but wonder…
Maybe I should go to the Shiloh
At the end of the day it’s your life don’t let anyone disturb your peace of mind
Enjoy your life
So the next time someone should ask you when are you getting into a relationship, tell them…
Please don’t let anybody stress your life.
Meanwhile what’s your spec?
1. It’s a cold night, I’m walking back and forth my parents room, wondering how to make this one request.
I wanted to go to a party! Not a birthday party or a family party or even a school party. I wanted to go to a club.
2. And that’s not the mad part,
I was 13.
3. The girls in school had been talking all week long about it, and when they invited me nko?
Waawu. First of all, I want to thank you all for this opportunity to mingle.
4. I eventually got the courage to ask my parents about going for my friend’s birthday, and they were like,
Waiiit, whatt?
5. I spent the entire night trying on clothes and dancing to Wizkid’s Superstar album
I’m ready to die on the line.
6. Fast forward to next day, what I planned to look like,
All hail the Queen.
7. After a long night, this is what I actually looked like
Yep. I showed up looking like a Rainbow.
8. I sat and watched as people danced, drank and smoked like
Wawu. All these people are going to Hell Fire.
9. And then I realised my friends probably abandoned me because I was boring.
Do I look like a clown? Am I crossing my leg too much? Am I smelling like soak-away?
Damn you insecurity! Damn you!
10. I was like, you know what?
I’m out please.
11. Went out to get a cab and after waiting for a maximum of 5 seconds, I can say God strategically placed my parents passing by at the exact same time.
This is the day I died guys. This very day.
12. It was a silent ride home, and I was looking out the window like
Wow wow wow, is this how my life will end?
13. As we reached home, before I could fully understand anything, the first cane landed on my back
Kuku kill me dad. Kuku kill me.
14. Then suddenly suddenly, I fainted.
Come and see how everywhere scattered.
15. Bruh, I was just pretending
Everybody was praying and just pouring water unneccessarily.
16. That’s how they rushed me to hospital.
“My daughter stay with me!”
17. Next thing, what did my father tell the doctor, “Do pregnancy test.”
Waaaait, what?!
18. That’s how my fainting finished o
Like, daddy how did we go from fainting to pregnancy? How can I even get pregnant today today?
19. Last last, that beating that day is why I still don’t don’t enter clubs
Something about PTSD. Can’t be letting “Holler at your boy” trigger “I will kill you today.”
I wonder what else I don’t like because of the beating I received growing up.
20. So tell me, what’s that thing your parents beat out of you, and you still can’t do till date?
Falz the good guy?
People were in too many feelings over the weekend when Falz dropped “This is Nigeria”. It’s not just another music video, it’s a remake of Childish Gambino’s own video. Like “This is America”, it focused on crucial issues happening, and how we generally respond to them.
We were fascinated by peoples reactions, for example;
Falz the Copycat!
A ton of people attacked Falz, saying he copied Childish Gambino.. I mean it’s a parody. That’s the point of a parody, right?
Childish Gabino’s Concept, Falz issa Copy 🐱 ….Love it though 😁😁
— DA’ CLAIRVOYANT 💧 (@williamsoracle) May 25, 2018
OMG Falz is buff?
Female fans couldn’t help but notice Falz is actually built to their standards, as our guy was shirtless through the entire video! Would he get more affection now?
Falz just wanted to show us his tight body. 😀 But jokes aside this is a brilliant video — so well executed and so timely. Let’s make this video trend! Watch it. Share it!
This is God speaking to me, I will change Nigeria!
Falz clearly inspired Nigerian youths, by speaking about these issues.
So much that some of us are thinking of running for president! Nothing is impossible sha
‘falz has inspired me to run for presidency 😭😭’ @falzthebahdguy
This would really bang as our national anthem right? think about it.. I know you’re thinking about it now.. okay lets start *this is Nigeriaaaa*
no? okay no!
Henceforth, we the people of Nigeria adopt #ThisIsNigeria by falz as our national anthem.
“What if Sarz sees this and gets angry and comes for falz? omg we need to protect falz!” Helppppp!!!
Wouldn’t be surprised if Falz’s #ThisIsNigeria gets banned. Wouldn’t be surprised if the government should send their dogs EFCC, DSS, Police, SARS or even the Military after Falz. These issues are long over due to be voiced, and the government’s insensitivity is simply amazing!
Falz’ fans are taking this too far.. the rest of twitter believes! we’re just going to grab a bowl of popcorn and watch this wonderful fight till it ends.. *currently whistling ‘this is Nigeria’ *
Y’all gotta chill at times and slow down. You can’t compare parody/remix with the real version.
Falz wouldn’t have come up with the concept if Gambino didn’t invent it. They both passed the msg so rest! https://t.co/yi2Uz0Czju
Yes, yes, but he deserves some credit for the effort. Perhaps, this should push other people to want to create socially conscious work and uplift the conversation.=
What do you guys think? Watch the full video here.
