Before I begin, if you’re a Nigerian who doesn’t know what an ATM is, please raise your hand.
Sigh, everyone, as expected.
A few days ago, someone asked a very crucial question on Quora.
We can all see that right? Okay.
Are there any ATMs in Nigeria? This question had a lot of us confused.
ATMs? What are those?
For Nigerians who might still not be aware what we’re talking about, the ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine. It’s a machine used to perform cash transactions.
Yup, those actually exist in some parts of the world.
Even though the question got a few accurate answers like this one, I’d like to really break it down to your full understanding.
This is going to be very educative, trust me.
In Nigeria, we communicate with birds. Everyone has a bird assigned to them, you train and guard your own bird.
Animals and humans are like siblings in this part of the word. No big deal.
As soon as we receive money, we give our birds to fly the money to a land called Naira Treasure Land.
This is where the bird drops the money.
Now, they don’t just dump the money there. Everyone is allowed into that land at least twice a year.
We dig up holes for our money to be stored.
So your bird has already been trained to know your money hole. It’ll now help you drop it, cover the hole, and then return back to you.
We spend many years training these our super smart birds.
So thats were we keep large amounts of money. For smaller amounts for everyday expenses we dig holes around the huts that we live in.
Smart right?
But we usually have to make sure our birds are properly skilled, so they leave no traces of our hole.
You know people could be tempted to steal.
Anyway, we’re sure ATMs are nice.
But this helps us save properly.
We know we already screwed up against Croatia.
But did we die?
Anyway, for this match, the players have assured us they will die on the line.
Whether home, away, out, anything, we will die on that line
But we have some important warnings for them.
Please read carefully
Dear Eagles, please we don’t want to see you dance any shaku shaku today.
Everyday shaku shaku, no goal
I also have to add that we know you boys are buff, but the fashion show is enough please.
Not everyday runway
See for this game, we need you guys to actually stand. Stop falling.
At least you have a better chance at scoring if you’re on your feet and not on the floor
If goal is catching you, Great Super Eagles, please go to their post. You know, that’s actually where you can score a goal.
Makes sense right?
You also need to remember that as you’re praying, they’re also praying
But na who play pass dey win match
Also, before you settle down to watch this match, please make sure there’s fuel in your generator.
Because anything could go wrong, not Nepa o.
If you don’t have fuel in your generator , you can just enter a viewing center.
There’d be cold Star there as well, so win win
And if you’re watching from home, be very sure to secure a few cans of Star.
You know, just to relax your nerves
But whatever you do, do not be alone while watching this match.
It is too risky, watch with your whole squad, all of them.
If we win, then you can dance shake shake or anything else with your chest
Yes! Super Eagles issa goal, we always believed in you boys
And if we lose, just try to sleep it off.
But please tell the Eagles to just stay in russia
Nigerians love sex. We like to act like we don’t but Mama Nkechi who lives next door has 12 children. But the most hilarious thing about Nigerians and sex is the many ways we’ve learned to describe it without using the word ‘sex’.
Knacks
This one is Nigerians’ favourite.
Mekwe
What does this even really mean?
Kpansh
We have a theory about the origin of this one.
Polash
Bet you’ve never heard this one before.
Straff
Anyone who went to uni in Nigeria knows this one.
Yarnsh
Apparently, this doesn’t mean just bum bum.
Konji
We all know this one sha…”konji na bastard”
Smash
Smash what exactly?
Kpekus
This one will always sound funny to us.
Frap
This one reminds us of ‘frapas’.
Bone
When I was small I thought this meant just ‘vex’.
Shag
Secondary school students used to feel smart using this word to replace sex.
Did we leave anyone out?
Dear friends, a lot of us are extremely upset this morning.
I’m going to tell you why
Yesterday, Lagosians were heading home after another long day of hustling. Some in buses, some in cars and some in kekes.
But most just stuck in traffic, thinking of getting home to sleep peacefully.
Generally, a lot of commercial trucks pass the Ojuelegba bridge often, some are even parked there permanently. Last night, a truck carrying plywood was among the many other vehicles on the bridge.
It was on the line closest to the left side of the bridge.
Remember those people stuck in traffic? They’re just right below the bridge.
Next, you know, they look up and see a truck of wood falling right off the bridge and towards them.
It was about to fall on their vehicles. Some didn’t even know what was happening. It all happened so fast.
Before they knew it, the truck had fallen on 3 buses and a car. Crushing every single one of them.
Many were trapped under the truck all night, some got badly injured.
And sadly, 2 people passed away.
This gets even more saddening because a very similar incident happened in Ojuelegba sometime in 2015.
3 Nigerians passed away from that incident.
This is making a lot of Nigerians wonder when there’d really be any change, if the same mistakes are being repeated.
I mean, trucks with that amount of weight should definitely notbe on that bridge.
Our hearts truly go out to everyone affected by this incident, including their family and friends.
We truly hope Governor Akinwumi Ambode and the entire Lagos state government pay more attention to this re-ocurring issue.
This is a very tragic event that should be prevented by all means from happening again.
May their souls rest in peace.
Nigeria’s first match was yesterday and as you can expect Nigerians had a lot to say about it.
When we heard that it was Croatia we were playing against.
Who Croatia be sef?
Then we noticed that it’s not even only us that’s watching the match.
Olamide & Phyno shot the video for “Road 2 Russia” yesterday. By the time they release it, the Super Eagles would already be on their way back from Russia.
Your secondary school set probably wasn’t the worst set the school ever saw.
Seriously they told every set the exact same thing.
When it finally clicks that your parents wedding was in March but you were born June of the same year.
How manage?
Realising you might have low-key needed the cane your parents gave you growing up.
But not the time your mum broke stick on your back sha.
Realizing why your brother used to send you to buy sweet when his girlfriend from school came to visit.
Just thank God I can’t report you again.
You finally get why your mum used to say there is rice at home when you wanted to stop at Mr. Biggs.
Can’t be wasting money anyhow, please.
That writing WAEC really wasn’t the end of the world.
It’s not like you want to write it again sha.
That when your mum used to say she didn’t have money it was like she wasn’t lying.
Seriously do you know how much a bag of rice is?
That coming first in primary school doesn’t mean you’ll get first class in university.
Why didn’t they warn us.
It’s looking like you won’t marry that your primary school boyfriend after all.
Do you even remember his surname?
That at the end of the day this adulting thing is truly a scam.
Please, I miss primary two when my biggest worry was when I’ll start using biro.
The world cup officially kicks off today! And yes, we are all excited.
Okay, maybe not all of us
So, I have predicted some things that have a 99.9% chance of happening almost throughout the season. Are you with me?
You can personally come for me if I’m wrong.
The first and most obvious thing is that your boyfriend will pay less attention to you. We’re sorry, it’s just in the football constitution.
Baby can’t you hear me? I am talking to you. Baby? Boo? Babe?
If you’re a twitter addict who doesn’t like football, on behalf of the entire twitter community, I apologise in advance.
*opens twitter* “Ronaldo will finish Neymar any day”, “all of you are mad, Messi will kill all of you” *closes twitter*
If you’re invited for Netflix and chill, abort mission! I repeat, abort!
See, Netflix and chill will become World Cup and chill. You can risk it if you want.
You finally reach out to google for help. Because if you know about the World Cup, he can’t ignore you anymore.
“Dear google, who is going to win the World Cup?”
Meanwhile, your man is suddenly realising it’s been 4 whole years since the last World Cup.
Wawu how did I survive without you baby? how?
But somehow he is already making noise about the next World Cup that is 1000 years away ?
Uncle at least watch this one first
Let’s not forget the main point of this season. People losing money to bets.
Yes I know, I’m a fool! ha who sent me work ooo
And the ones who will enjoy the money the guys above lost
Don’t mess with me, do you know who I am? Call me the bet king!
When the World Cup is finally over and somehow they remember you exist.
“Oh you can talk to me? I think you’re mad “
You know SARS right? These guys?
The Special Anti Robbery Squad.
Their job is to protect Nigerians, you know, keep us safe. But it turns out we have to protect ourselves from them these days.
This is a step by step guide on how you can stay out of their trouble and keep yourself safe .
Step 1: If you aren’t bald yet, go and cut your hair.
I repeat go to the nearest barber and chop it off!
Step 2: Pick up your phone, Grab a hammer, now smash it! Don’t stop, keep smashing it.
So when SARS says “Come on bring your phone” you can confidently say “sorry oga I don’t have”
Step 3: This might be the hardest thing to do, but you should take my advice and destroy your car as well. Or at least give it to someone you don’t care about.
If you don’t have a car and you take the bus, your chances of getting stopped are lower.
Step 4: If you wear shirts, ripped jeans, sunglasses or even skirts, please do not wear it out.
You see, they can’t say search you or say you’re dressed like a ‘yahoo boy or girl’ if you aren’t dressed at all.
Step 5: If you carry bags, please leave them at home. Do I still have to explain why?
When SARS asks you to bring your bag you can easily say “Sir I have nothing, I don’t even have a bag sir please sir.”
Step 6: Just pray to God they don’t ask for your ID card.
Because if your hair is mistakenly a bit full in that picture, well, God help you.
Step 7: You need to develop a love for staying at home. Sit down in your house.
Oya SARS come and meet me in my house.
Step 8: If you have to go out, do what you have to do and leave. Just say your hello and go.
Please do not be out for more than 30 mins before you go back into hiding.
Finally, if you happen to follow all these precautions and they still stop you
Just be saying “thank you for stopping me sir, I appreciate” but don’t forget to keep praying to God in your heart while you’re at it.
The World Cup starts tomorrow and while we are praying and hoping it’s not only fine aso-ebi we have to offer, we’ve come up with the perfect playlist to get you ready.
Road 2 Russia (Dem go hear am) – Olamide & Phyno
Our official 2018 world cup song
Ballerz – Wande Coal
We are stepping into Russia like
Issa Goal – Naira Marley (feat. Olamide & Lil Kesh)
For everytime we score a goal.
Power of Naija – 2Face (feat. Cobhams & Omawunmi)
Even though we are playing Portugal we still have hope
Super Eagles Carry Go – Austin Milado
We are readyyy!!!
Osinachi – Humblesmith (feat. Davido)
After we collect the cup from Germany.
Super Eagles- Solidstar
Croatia go clear road!
Nigeria Go Survive – Veno Marioghae
Even though we are playing Argentina, fear not.
Penalty – Small Doctor
We have a small prayer for Iceland – won ti gba penalty lo throwing
Ole ole ole – The Fans
For when we carry the cup
Wavin Flag – K’Naan
You can’t leave this classic off your World Cup playlist
Oh Africa – Akon
A win for Nigeria is a win for Africa.
Waka waka – Shakira
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdojnHySFGk
Did we leave any songs off the list?
The struggle of having a hard to pronounce name in Nigeria is very real. On most days you wake up wishing your name was Jane Doe just so you don’t have to deal with Nigerians just being Nigerian about your name. If you have a name like Eghwrudjakpor Onovughakpor Onovughe then we are sure you can relate to these struggles.
Nobody ever gets the spelling right, infact they don’t even try to get it right.
Yes there’s a ‘k’ in between that ‘v’ and ‘w’ oya correct the spelling
You spend way too much time trying to teach people you just met how to pronounce your name
And they still won’t get it o
When they finally give up and ask you if you have a middle name
Yes I do it’s ‘Esereshareberuo’
If you are not careful they’ll vex and skip past your name at passport office
Nobody has time for your ten syllables name
Sometimes you even need a nickname for your nickname if you are smart you’ll have like three backup nicknames
Stay ready
Some people even start getting angry because they have to pronounce it
“You sef how you go get this kind name” Sorry sir, it’s not my fault sir
When someone asks you to pronounce it for them for the 20th time in a row
See ehn just call me ‘esss’ I won’t be angry
Everyone always wants to know the meaning and origin of your name
Please stop disturbing me
When you are waiting to hear your name on a roll call and the person calling the names suddenly starts stuttering
Don’t stress yourself, I’m here
When people start making the same old jokes about your name
“Ah this your name will make me bite my tongue o” Bite it now
You don’t bother correcting people when they get your name wrong you just answer anything they call you.
“Minisoware” Iminiovwerha but close enough
Even your closest friends still manage to mess it up years after meeting you for the first time
Judging you
After what you’ve suffered your promise to give your first child a name like Bayo Ojo
It’s only right
When you meet someone who gets the pronunciation of your name on first try
Are you sure we are not related?
Even the people from your daddy’s village don’t know how to pronounce the name
So where the hell is my name from?
Do you have a hard to pronounce name? Which other struggles did we leave out?
