There is the one who never accepts card trips. Even if you are going from Ajah to Iyana-Ipaja.
“Cash only ma, please cancel the trip”.
The rude OG who doesn’t care about ratings anymore.
He does whatever he wants. How can he give you the AUX cord when he is listening to the radio? Do you have manners?
The newbie who starts begging you to rate him 5-stars even before he even drops you off.
“Please ma don’t forget to rate me 5 stars, God bless you”
The one who will give you his whole life story before the trip ends.
Before you know it he’ll have given you his whole family background.
Then there is the one who will take care of you as if you are his child.
Do you want water? Have you eaten today? Is the A/C too much?
The proud one who only drives on the island.
“Sorry aunty I don’t go to the mainland”.
The one who is really a pastor and is only driving as a side gig.
As soon as you enter the car – “Have you heard the word of the Lord today?”
The one who just refuses to use his map no matter how much you beg him.
“Madam, I know this area well”. Next thing you know, you are on your way to Sango Otta instead of V.I.
Then the one who doesn’t even know how to use the map at all.
Everytime it’s – “Sorry sir it’s like my map is not working well today”
The one who will do police style interrogation for you before they come and pick you up.
Where are you going to? Is it card or cash trip? Is the road good? Is there traffic on your street?
The one who is also running ten other businesses. And he’ll advertise all of them to you.
“I also make shirts, and shoes too. If you need someone to print cards I can do it for you”.
The one who never ever talks.
If you like be in the car with him for three hours, he won’t even look at you.
The one who will be two minutes away on the map but will use an hour to get to you.
Whether they stopped to eat on the way or they got lost, you’ll never know.
The one who will turn your trip into a job interview.
“So what’s your name? How old are you? What did you study in school? What do you do for a living?”
The one who always thinks he is in Fast and Furious.
Oga please slow down don’t kill me before I get to my destination.
The one who just moved into your city that week.
“Sorry sir, please which one is third mainland bridge?”
If you are a veteran Uber rider, we are pretty sure you’ve met everyone on this list. If you haven’t, how many have you met?
Whether you’ve just moved into a new place or you’ve lived in your house for decades; we can guarantee that you’ve come across these typical Nigerian neighbours.
The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.
Even if there’s light they won’t put it off because ‘NEPA will soon take the light’.
The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.
Abeg sister that man that came to visit you last night, is that your brother?
The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.
If not for them you’ll just be wasting petrol.
The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.
Oga you too on your gen now.
The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.
Last week it was somebody’s naming ceremony. The week before that was birthday. This week it’s burial. And it’s not like they’ll even invite you for the party.
The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.
If it’s not salt it’s broom. And before they return it, wahala.
The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.
Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.
“Did you know that Mummy Jamiu’s son impregnated someone? “
The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.
Because if their neighbours can’t hear them praying, God won’t answer their prayers.
As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.
Sometimes even two or three. As one id finishing their service, the other one is starting.
The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.
They’ll also take it upon themselves to start collecting monthly dues.
The one you’ve never seen in your life.
You can be living there for ten years and never meet them. You’ll only be seeing the light in their house going on and off.
The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.
Every day you will see a new face coming out of the house.
The resident baby boy or baby girl.
They don’t have any stress at all.
So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?
As far as the average Nigerian is concerned mental health issues don’t exist for us. If you are depressed or suffering from some sort of mental illness, it’s either your village people who are doing you or you need deliverance. In fact, if you’ve ever heard a Nigerian talk about mental health we are pretty sure you heard something along the lines of these statements.
“Have you prayed about it? Let me give you my pastor’s number”
“It’s that the only thing that’s doing you, your own is even small, my landlord gave me quit notice yesterday”
“I don’t blame you, it’s because you don’t have real problems to think about”
“Depressed ke? God forbid, have you eaten today, maybe you are hungry”
“You want to talk to a therapist? For what? It’s like you think you are oyinbo”
“Ahan you too you are depressed, it’s like this thing is trending now”
“Better go and pray about it, such shall never be your portion in Jesus name”
“It’s just a phase jo it’ll pass, don’t worry”
“Ahan you are wearing cloth, you can eat everyday, there are clothes on your back, what more do you want?”
“You just like to dey overthink, it’s not that serious”
“You want to get help? You don’t know that you have to help yourself first abi?”
“Are you the only one? We are all sad please, stop making a big deal about it”
“You just like attention sha”
“At your small age, what do you have to be anxious about?”
“You are just too sensitive abeg”
“You have to pray more o, don’t let the devil manifest himself in your life”
“Wait I don’t understand, so…you are mad?”
“Wo you are not alone, the way it’s doing you is the way it’s doing all of us.”
“Shh don’t talk about it, you want your enemies to use it against you?”
If you’ve ever been guilty of saying any of the above, we are here to tell you that you need to do better. If you know someone who is struggling with mental health issues, it’s not enough to just help them pray about it.
If you need someone to talk to, the guys at MANI are doing incredible work, and we stan.
Hi Family, Today looks like a particularly good day to talk about @mentallyawareng (MANI), our amazing volunteers, the extent of our services offered and our limitations. THREAD. Please do RT #iammentalllyaware#keeptalkingMH
Nollywood has always depicted Nigerian society in different crazy ways, but nothing compares to how they depict exactly how Nigerian wives should behave. It’s amazing and highkey hilarious, honestly. Let me give you a few examples.
These people will just be making marriage to be fearing somebody. Where’s the nearest convent, abeg?
1. Marry as a virgin
But on your wedding night, bust several moves. Shey the knowledge comes with the ring, at least for women? Men have to get their knowledge the more… manual way, obviously.
2. Throw it down in the kitchen
Looking like this, no less. If you’re not Martha Stewart mixed with The Kitchen Butterfly, are you even worth marrying? You will just push your husband into the hands of the next woman that can cook! Shey, it’s food cooked by someone else he came to use his life to eat.
3. Get pregnant in the first few months.
In fact, if you don’t get pregnant on your wedding night there must be something wrong. To Nollywood, any good wife will birth a son first, so act accordingly. It’s simply common sense and a little biology. Also, don’t forget to keep having babies till your husband can no longer afford them, but never ever add weight, look tired or complain.
4. Never accuse your husband of cheating even if you catch him red handed.
And if it’s paining you too much that your husband fell into the orifices of another woman, you need to apologise for not being enough and performing your duties to satisfaction. If he should continue, get your Bible or Quran and pray because it must be jazz.
5. Be obedient.
If your husband says ‘jump’, you better pack your breasts and start jumping.
6. Always look good.
Even if you’re just leaving the delivery room. As soon as that baby drops, the weight should drop too. In fact, leave that place with your baby, makeup and heels. After all, you don’t want to push him into the hands of another woman.
7. Be more forgiving than Jesus.
If your husband slaps you, just grab his collar, call him by his name and say “you slapped me?!” Then go ahead and insist that he kill you without delay. And when he should get on his knees, shed two tears and insist that the devil made him do it, forgive him. You’re a good wife.
8. Clean the house like that’s what you were born to do.
A Nigerian husband can only survive in the cleanest of homes and environments, so of course, it is your duty as a good wife to make that happen. The house must always be sparkling!
9. Always always look sexy.
But only in the house! So you can titillate his senses as you bend down to perform every little task. You have to stay on top of that sexy game!
10. Don’t bother him unnecessarily. Even when you think it’s important, it’s not important to him.
Even if you also have a job, you must always remember that your husband has had a long day, so you must never ask him to help around the house, help with the children, or even inconvenience him by falling sick. Don’t make him look outside the home for complete laziness.
11. Respect his family. He doesn’t have to respect yours o but you must respect his family.
Even if his younger siblings are younger than the last born of your family, you must always call them ‘sister’ or ‘brother’. Show that you have home training if you don’t want to go back to your father’s house that they weren’t chasing you from in the first place.
12. You had better get out of bed first in the morning.
You must never let your husband wake up after you. What kind of wife are you?! You should have been doing “one or two things” before he opens his eyes. This includes but is not limited to cooking, cleaning, and preparing the kids for school. You get up before him on weekends even, to handwash his underwear.
13. Ensure food is always fresh and hot.
Whether you have a job or not, all food your husband eats must be fresh and hot. Don’t ask me how you’re supposed to do that – I’m not married to your husband with you.
14. Please what else did we leave out?
Drop a comment below!
Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.
So if you live in Lagos and can still take out time to read this, you deserve a lot of accolades.
Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.
Whichever it is, here are some ways to know you have really had enough of this city.
If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.
See, there’s levels to traffic in Lagos.
While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.
Accents are the only things distributed free of charge in this city.
But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.
In summary, overpriced food is a trademark
If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.
Even you will be flooded. This is when Lagos island turns into an actual island
Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..
..In this Lagos if you want to enjoy, you just have to blow o
And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.
Let’s just thank God we are alive
If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?
If you see them, Just run.
We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?
But the real question is, why are you in Lagos? Just take a moment and ask yourself why you choose to continue suffering?
It’s a packed hall of about a thousand people, and an M.C. is speaking in an accent that he probably acquired off binging American shows. One side of the Hall is a streak of turquoise blue Gele and caps, the other end is Burgundy.
The MC’s jokes aren’t as funny as they were 30 minutes ago, and it’s not because he’s run out of good ones.
It’s the guests who have run out of patience.
An aroma is sifting through the hall, but no waiters come bearing good news. People are putting their hand fans to work, even though the air-conditioning is doing a decent job.
And in a seemingly random moment when the MC hands over what is left of the audience’s attention to the live band, the waiters start rolling in.
Huge trays holding fistfuls of beef, coleslaw, and mede-mede. All of them, sitting pretty on small heaps of Jollof Rice in plates.
The party has now began proper, the music will sound better, guests will aww more, because Jollof Rice is libation to Enjoyment.
But this is not where the Jollof Story begins—you’d have to travel westward, out of Nigeria, to a small Island off the Coast of Senegal, St. Louis.
Djolof a.k.a. Wolof Empire
West Africans disagree on many things about Jollof—especially on who has the best—but on the origin of Jollof Rice, there is no debate.
The Wolof Empire was a West African State that ruled over Senegal and Gambia sometime between the 1350s and 1540s. A 1549 Battle of Danki—which had nothing to do with rice—led the four vassal states of the Wolof Empire to become mostly independent.
And so, Djolof—which used to be the old metropolitan capital of the Empire—became a kingdom by itself.
“Give me a pot and I’ll cook up a storm.” – Penda Mbaye (Not exactly her words, but they’ll suffice.)
Fast forward to the 1800s, there lived a chef, cooking meals at ceremonies, experimenting as she went. Penda Mbaye wasn’t exactly a Jollof woman. In fact, she’s believed to have come from Walo, another one of the four vassal states from the old Wolof Empire. As White People came into West Africa with their colonialism, they also brought a wide variety of food from their travels, mainly from South America. They came with food like cassava, pineapples, and even tomatoes.
For Penda Mbaye, fresh food meant fresh opportunities to experiment. One recipe led to another and Penda landed a job as Chef at the Colonial Governor’s Residence in St. Louis.
One meal had a reputation in the governor’s residence; it was a one-pot combo of barley, fish and vegetables cooked together.
A barley shortage came around the time that Asian rice was landing on Senegal’s shores, and in typical Penda fashion, she substituted rice for barley. The magic is created, Penda called it Thiéboudienne (Cheb-oo-jen).
And so, Jollof Rice as we know it was born. It went on to become Senegal’s pride.
Senegal to West Africa
There’s another theory about Jollof’s origins. According to Mamadou Diouf, a Professor of African History at Columbia University, Jollof Rice is military.
Look at it this way. You’re a Colonial Officer, how do you feed a large Senegalese Colonial Army? You get rice, tomatoes, fish or meat, and throw all of it into a big pot.
According to this theory, it’s probably how Jollof travelled across West Africa, militarily, as colonial forces found effective ways to feed their soldiers, especially around the World Wars.
What is certain of course, is that Jollof Rice diffused across West Africa, just like everything else diffused; fashion like the Senegal fabric or music. It could also have been the Djula people, a tribe of merchants who travelled across West Africa, selling goods, and leaving bits of their culture everywhere they went.
There are few accounts of its footprint in Nigeria, the oldest that we know of being in the Kudeti Book Of Yoruba Cookery, first published in 1934.
“I suspect the original recipe for Jollof was in there,” Ozoz ‘Kitchen Butterfly’ Sokoh says. Ozoz is a culinary wizard and food enthusiast and she has a 1947 “The Ibo Cookery Book” to back this original recipe theory up. In fact, the recipe from this book included “Cabbage or Spinach (tete)” as an ingredient. It also used to be spelt ‘Jolloff’.
“It references the Kudeti The Kudeti Book of Yoruba Cookery in its forward,” she says. “I don’t have that (1934) edition, but I do have a 2002 repackaged edition that can still be purchased at the CMS Bookstore.“
Jollof Rice evokes a different nostalgia for the generation at the heels of this book. Take Maimuna Atta-Ahmed, who was a teenager at the dawn of an Independent Nigeria.
“When I lived in Kano, there used to be canned Jollof Rice,” the septuagenarian says. “And it was made in Kano. In the 60s, Kano had everything you can imagine. There were the groundnut pyramids, there were textile and hide industries. The canned Jollof Rice was popular.”
But even as Jollof Rice had a reputation, it wasn’t exactly a party choice.
“Jollof Rice wasn’t at parties when I was young,” Sherifat Hassan, a 51-year old caterer in Abuja says. “What was common was Pounded Yam, Amala and all that.”
Imagine this;
You’re planning a wedding party in the 60s. It’s not a big ceremony, so you’re expecting 200-300 people. “Let’s cook rice,” someone suggests. You think about it for a moment and know it’s never going to happen. Not rice.
The problem that stood in the way of people and their Party Jollof was stones.
“In those days,” Sherifat explains, “the rice had stones. Even some local rice these days still have stones. The only rice that didn’t have stones were Uncle Ben’s and Aunt Caroline Rice.” But the price of Uncle Ben’s mostly kept Jollof Rice in family kitchens, and on special events like Sunday afternoons and festival menus.
By the late 60s and early 70s, oil had become more attractive for the Nigerian government, and agriculture was taking a backseat. One consequence of this, besides the disappearance of the industries and groundnut pyramids, was higher importation. In fact, the share of rice in the Nigerian diet went from 1% in 1960 to 7% in 1980, and that rise is mostly because we imported more.
The Asian Flood
Uncle Ben’s was a luxury choice and especially sold in retail quantities. Asian rice, on the other hand was cheaper, especially since there was a drop in imported rice tariffs in the mid-70s.
And with cheaper and stoneless rice, came Party Jollof.
Since Asian rice came into our lives, it has never left. As long as it powered our Jollof Rice, we chose it above all else, even at the expense of local rice.
Soft Jollof. Soft Power.
You’re a Nigerian or Ghanaian, living or studying in the West, most likely the U.S. or U.K. You have a small get-together with your friends, some of them are White. You offer them Jollof Rice.
They try the first spoon, and their mouths are on fire. The heat is nothing like they’ve ever tasted, and by the time they’ve gotten used to it, they love it. This is most likely how modern Westerners first experienced Jollof Rice, although their ancestors already tried it from the ones their slaves made.
The world might be a harsh and cold place, but it still deserves good things, and so Jollof Rice has been gifted to the world, just as West Africa has gifted it Afrobeat.
Jollof Rice on Twenty-twos
When something is a big deal, you pick a date and throw a party for it every year. But how did the 22nd of August every year become the date?
“In 2015, I woke up to see the date set on social media,” Ozoz says. “I had no idea who created it. We just stuck with it.”
It turns out there was an origin, and Ozoz found it. Or them.
In 2015, Queen “AsoebiAfrica” thought it’d be a great idea to pick the 3rd Saturday of August as a good day to celebrate Jollof Rice. That day was the 22nd.
Her friend WestAfrikanman loved the idea, and so it stuck.
And even though they didn’t have a permanent date in mind, brands like Etisalat and Maggi jumping on it made August 22 stick.
Despite how removed Queen felt from the date being the permanent choice at first, she says;
“I’m so glad I was able to create a special day for my darling Jollof!”
And so August 22 has become the day we gather around the pot and celebrate Jollof.
Nigeria’s culinary map is diverse, with Tuwo as Warden in the North, Starch making its strongest mark in the South-south, Akpu in the Southeast, and Amala the rockstar of the Southwest. But when we gather round to sit at a table as one people, it will be Jollof Rice making the rounds. Because Jollof Rice is libation to Enjoyment.
Jollof is forever.
Nigerian parents have a very funny relationship with sex. Even though they’ll rather eat a stone than talk about sex, we’ve figured out when Nigerian parents would like you to start having sex.
When you are married and living in your matrimonial home.
Team virgin till marriage. Nothing else is acceptable.
When you are ready to go and meet your maker
Because that’s where they’ll send you if they catch you fornicating.
After you’ve started having children.
What you did to have the children in the first place is none of their business.
When your pastor says it’s the right time.
And we all know when our pastors say it’s ok to start having sex.
If you are a woman, once you hit the age of 30.
Because as long as their God is alive you should be in your matrimonial home by then.
When you’ve refused to marry and give them grandchildren.
Just go out into the world and get us a grandchild we don’t want to know how you did it.
There’s never an appropiate time, close your legs and face your front.
Virgin for life.
You know the feeling of setting a savings goal and with ginger you actually start to save, only for you to somehow sha break into it before you even reach halfway through your goal timeline? We can totally relate, so we’ve decided to create a list of some of our saving struggles.
Money? What’s that?
How do you take something out of nothing? Don’t angry me, please! *crying in unemployment*
How much am I even earning?
Man never chop finish, you’re talking about saving. I can see you don’t have my best interests at heart.
Automated payments
“Baba God, tell me I’m dreaming. These people have removed my last change. Who sent you? Who sent you?!”
Have you seen the price of garri in the market?
It’s like you don’t know what is happening in the country. You can’t even price anyhow anymore. Just leave me to be managing my life.
Food
How will I buy food if I keep saving? Please let me enjoy; life is one.
Internet
Ordinary small breeze will blow and all your data will finish. Oh, well. *buys more data*
I got 99 problems but saving ain’t one
And on the other end of the spectrum, we have the non-savers. “What is saving, please? Don’t insult my personality. I just keep making this schmoney! Call me OBO.”
What do y’all spend money on that you wish you didn’t have to? Tweet us @zikokomag!
If you thought being a single man in Nigeria was fun, el. oh. el!
All of us are suffering this thing together.
Imagine, somebody is still managing their life and family is already asking you to marry.
Na wah o. Didn’t I finish school just nine years ago?
Your landlord’s wife will call every girl that comes to your house. “Our wife. Welcome o.”
I don’t blame you. It’s my fault that I have six sisters.
If you want to chill with your guys and go with a female friend, wahala. They will tease you to tears.
Please stop talking. Don’t make things awkward. She’s like my sister na! Oh God, why is she giving me this kind of side eye?
And when they see you with another female friend, they will start asking about ‘that your former babe’.
If it were that easy to pull babes, shey I won’t have girlfriend by now? Mumu.
Even your parents will betray you and start asking for their grandchildren.
Wey I never even get babe. Abeg wait small.
When even your ‘irresponsible’ friend gets married, your family will just be looking at you like
See me see trouble o!
Even your married friends that should understand your situation will be telling you to go and marry.
If not that you found somebody to manage you now…
Toasting babes will be giving you high blood pressure.
“She’s fine o. She probably has a boyfriend, though. What if she should give me L? Do I look alright? Chai, this my shirt don fade. I should have sprayed that perfume. Cheesus!”
At one point, you won’t even have your guys to chill wilth again because they’ll all have babes.
All of a sudden, you’ll know the difference between alone and lonely.
When you get to a certain age and you’re still not married, people will start wondering and asking what is wrong with you.
Na wah o. It’s like this my life, we are all sharing it abi?
My brother, if you let people give you heart attack for singleness that is not their own, well… Issalova Jackie.
Just take it easy and enjoy your life before you make a huge mistake!
The Nigerian music industry has come a long way and we are glad for it, but before the Wizkids, Davidos and Teknos, there were some serious entertainers who lit up our stages, TVs and java phones.
What are they up to these days?
Osayamwen Nosa Donald was easily the Crush and Love of everyone’s life. The award-winning singer’s big moment was in 2004 when he released his breakout hit, ‘Ego’.
Djinee has dabbled in other aspects of entertainment over the years but is thankfully still singing. He dropped a single this year.
“It’s a Super Story, a life of strife and sorrow.” That voice you heard on Thursday nights belonged to Uwale Okoro, you know her as Essence. If you thought she wasn’t making music anymore, still sings, and blogs.
Paul I.K. Dairo was one of the biggest stars stars of his time. However, time passed and times changed, and Paul fell ill so had to slow down on the music. He’s better now though, and back to doing what he does pretty well, whether it is being a Judge for a Reality show, or leading live performances.
First Lady of Nigerian hip-hop, Sasha P aka Anthonia Yetunde Alabi was hot on the music scene in every way. She had bars and flow for days and looked pretty hot as well. However, she decided to move from music to fashion in 2013 and has been running her fashion label – Eclectic by Sasha, ever since.
Eddie Remedy
King of the early late 90s and 2000s, Edward Ashiedu-Brown had Nigeria in the palm of his hand. Lead singer of Remedies, Eddy definitely made his mark. However, over time and with a lot of controversies, he did music less and less. Still, he sings and even hints about the possibility of a Remedies reunion.
Weird M.C is another dope female rapper! She had been on the scene for a while, but she became a real star with her song “Ijoya”. The video was the coolest at the time. Even though Weird M.C has been quiet on music for a while now, her Twitter profile reads UN Peace Ambassador, Road Safety Marshall, Social Entrepreneur and Influencer. I guess she’s doing good, then!
Tony Tetuila
Tony Tetuila stole the spotlight with such songs as ‘My Car’ and ‘My Heart Go Jigi-Jigi’. He really was a superstar! However, the golden-haired musician whose real name is Anthony Awotoye hasn’t done much music since 2014 when he ran for political office in the House of Assembly of Kwara State.
Kel
Kel, aka Kelechi Ohia came out with a bang with when she released ‘Wa Wa Alright’. She released an album which did not do so well, but a few years later she released another song with W4 that was a was a hit. Kel then went silent again. However, she recently said that she has started a record label and is working on a few projects. We can’t wait.
Daddy Showkey
Daddy Showkey aka John Asiemo is a legendary galala singer. He swept us away with songs like ‘Diana’ and Nigerians just loved him. Unfortunately, he had an almost fatal accident that kept him bedridden for three years and out of active music for almost ten years. He’s easing his way back to music, though and we’re really excited.
B.O.U.Q.U.I
B.O.U.Q.U.I whose real name is Bukola Folayan held Nigeria’s attention when she released her album ‘Eve Of Independence’ that had major hits like “Molejo” and ”Vanity”. She cut across more than the Christian audience she made songs for. Since her second album, she has been quiet until recently when she held an online rap competition – BOUQUI Unstoppable Rap Competition. She still does music, and she’s doing good!
