1960 was a good time in Nigeria. We just gained independence, young people were very involved in politics- and actual young Nigerians too, not guys like this.
Our economy was thriving, traffic wasn’t too crazy and it looked like Nigeria was on the verge of greatness. Then modernity and greed rolled through.
Can you imagine someone that was alive during that period, somehow magically entering Lagos as it is now – with our owambes and five-hour traffic? Here’s what we imagine they’d say if them came through:
“We still don’t have light?”
Fun fact: in 1951, the Electricity Corporation of Nigeria was established to give as many Nigerians as were able to pay for it, light.
Prior to this, electricity was reserved for government offices, quarters and those with pockets to back it up.
“They are still building Lagos-Ibadan expressway?”
Commissioned in 1978 by surprise- Gen Olusegun Obasanjo, very sparse to no information on this great internet lets us know exactly when construction started on the expressway.
We’re going to imagine it started during the late 1960s sha. Either way, it is still being re-constructed in the year of our Lord 2019.
“Obasanjo is still in these zones?”
Obasanjo came into limelight from 1969 as the Commander of the Third Marine Commando.
He served as president from 1999-2007 and is still one of the major rings to kiss before runnng for president in Nigeria.
“Buhari too? You even made him president?”
Buhari has been around for a little bit. Back in 1966, he was a part of the counter-coup that assassinated and overthrew then military Head of State- General Aguyi Ironsi.
“You people spend HOW MUCH on wedding these days?”
Just so you know, the average wedding can cost anywhere from 3.5million naira to 20 or even 100 million niara.
“Is it Ghana’s money I’m seeing that is worth more than the naira like this?”
Ghana gained independence just three years before Nigeria in 1957. One cedi currently exchanges for 75.86 naira.
“You said Dollar is how much now?”
Back in the 60s, our curency was actually the pound. But on January 1, 1973, we switched to the naira. Would you believe back then, one naira equaled just 2 pounds? #takemeback.
“For God’s sake who is Sanwo-Olu and why is he everywhere?”
Coming soon to a street, shirt or bedcover you own, a blown up poster of Lagos Governorship candidate- Babajide Sanwo-Olu.
“You didn’t tell me they don’t wear camo on the streets again now”
Some soldiers in Nigeria still think camo is their exclusive preserve. Make it make sense Lord.
“Where is Kingsway? Mr Biggs? I haven’t really seen Mr Biggs”
Opened in 1948, Kingsway was one of the largest department stores in Nigeria. It thrived until a heavy recession hit in 1980 causing it to fold up its stores across the country.
Mr Biggs was once under it, while wildly successful in the nineties and early aughts, the economy hasn’t been so kind to Mr Biggs and it is currently flailing in a sea of fast food restaurants.
If you’ve been on social media lately, you’ve probably seen stories of guys who go out of their way to humiliate their girlfriends all in the name of testing to see if they’re wife material. In-laws are usually the main enforcers of these “tests of character,” which usually involve subjecting poor young women to insane levels of housework and/or dehumanizing tasks.
After reading a couple of stories like this, I wondered what it would be like if the roles were reversed. Ladies, have some fun and appraise your man today with these foolproof husband material tests I came up with 20 minutes ago.
Clog your toilets and insist on not calling a plumber.
Then insist he fix it by himself while your entire extended family watches.
Blow up your parents’ house and have him rebuild it by himself.
While your entire extended family watches. If his name happens to be Bob, then the universe has a joke all setup for you.
Tell him he has to go hunting with nothing but a pen knife because your father demands fresh meat before he agrees to hand you over.
Find a way for your extended family to watch this (without putting them in harm’s way) because this will be mad fun.
While on a date at an expensive restaurant, quietly invite your entire extended family to join you guys.
And have him pay for everyone.
Take him to your village and have him wrestle the strongest guy there.
While the whole village watches.
Secretly make colored photocopies of his important documents then “accidentally” set them on fire in his presence.
Just to see how he’ll react. Set up cameras to catch his reaction from different angles so your extended family can watch.
Break his finger.
This isn’t even a test. You know he’ll react badly because of the pain. But remember, ladies, the point of this exercise is to have fun, even if that includes a little violence.
Sleep with his best friend.
Nothing tests a relationship quite like infidelity.
Pick a fight about something irrelevant. When he points out how stupid the fight is, pretend to get angrier and smash the windshield of his car.
Be on that Beyonce shit!
Ladies,
The important thing is that you have fun with it.
If you’ve never been here, you’ve heard stories – terrifying and occasionally hilarious. As someone who has spent enough time there, I’m here to tell you that everything you’ve heard is true.
If you have to go to computer village for any reason and hope to make it out alive, you’re going to need help. Because that place is full of demons in human skin suits looking for gullible people to scam. Pay attention.
1. First things first, activate your spider sense.
The moment you get there, guys are going to seemingly materialize out of thin air and approach you en masse, asking if you’re there to buy, sell, or fix something.
Keep your wits around you when this is happening because failure to do so will most likely lead to every valuable thing in your pockets being stolen.
2. Don’t verbally engage anyone unless you absolutely have to.
You’ve heard the stories. Someone taps your shoulder and asks an inaudible question. You turn around and are like, “What?” and the next thing you know, you wake up 3 hours later in a pool of your own blood with your wallet, phone, shoes, and kidneys stolen.
Now you’re a badly written headline on Nigerian blogs.
3. Don’t physically engage anyone unless you absolutely have to.
The gag is, computer village is constantly teeming with people, which means you really can’t avoid physical contact (i.e bumping into people). But what you can do is check, after every bump, to make sure the “goods” are secure. Sure, you’ll end up doing it so much that anybody watching you will think you’re touching yourself. But would you rather not be seen as a pervert or lose your penis?
4. If someone claims to have what you’re looking for and proceeds to take you on a freakishly long and winding journey to “his shop”, run. Because:
Enough said.
5) Be sure to properly test whatever it is you’re buying.
Because computer village people are not here to play. If you slack, they’ll sell you a 3-year-old refurbished laptop/phone in a new box. And swear on their still alive mothers’ graves that they can’t possibly cheat you because you’re from the same state as them.
6. Make sure that the person attending to you at the shop you’ve chosen actually works there.
A friend of mine once went to a shop at computer village to fix a phone. He spoke to the guy he met there and handed over the phone, agreeing to return in 2 days to retrieve it.
When he went back, he met a different guy who said that was his shop and that that he didn’t have any helper. Turns out the first guy my friend met was a thieving drifter and this was his MO.
7. Before leaving, make sure what you bought is what is actually in the box, and not a phone case full of fufu or a laptop-shaped slab of cement.
8) Lastly, be sure to have some fun observing the tattoo artists/pink lips cream sales guys.
This one is less a survival tactic and more a fun-after-shopping activity. You’ll find them under the bridge, covered from head to toe in tattoos and with lips so unnaturally pink you’d think they’re racist white people in blackface on their way to perform in a minstrel show.
Follow this guide and you’re sure to make it in and out of computer village with your wallet and genitals intact.
It’s been a long time since Nigerian singers performed before wealthy men, recorded these shows and sold them in tapes.
Today, we’ve arrived in the age of viral stars like Teniola and Slimcase, and runs of dominance like Davido’s stellar 2017.
Nigerian music has risen to become the country’s most consistent export.
Various watershed moments have stood about between then and now.
But if anyone’s asking when this phase of Nigerian Afro-pop began, you’ll have to look no further than a decade ago, the year when a short black boy and a silver-tongued stoner initiated the beginning of a cycle.
2008 was the year when the old guard had the airwaves snatched from their hands with a brand of music that was heavy on simplicity and inimitable.
A decade since that passing of the baton, I’ve been wondering, “Where are the artists who ushered in the age of Afro-pop?”
M.I Abaga
For years, nay, decades, Nigerian hip-hop had been heavily inaccessible.
It was in a large part due to the lack of a popular middle ground.
Fans could either listen to a hybrid of gangsta and intellectual rap by cliques who were desperate to sound like their heroes in New York or a brand of amusing social commentary spearheaded by eLDee’s Trybesmen and most notably, Freestyle Essien.
M.I. changed all that with his debut album, “Talk About It” and created a new template for rappers that is still followed till this day.
So Where’s Mr Abaga Today?
Five studio albums and three mixtapes later, one could say MI is on the other side of his time at the summit.
After being Africa’s number one for over half the decade, Mr Incredible says he’s now trying to revive Nigerian hip-hop and support a new set of rule-breakers at Chocolate City.
His most recent album, “Yung Dxnzl: A Study On Self-Worth” may not have reached the heights of his previous work – but it represents where M.I. is now; a veteran looking within for what might have been and what could still be.
ASA
Asa’s classic self-titled album dropped a year earlier in 2007, but it was in 2008 that songs like Bibanke became anthems.
Asa was emo before we knew what the word meant; an eloquent soul songstress who told familiar stories in a tone that was not as familiar at the time.
In doing so, she opened the gates for other pop/soul acts and provided a formula to help them get Nigerians listening.
Nowadays, Asa Lives In France
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUzVF9alYwW/
The albums and videos come rarely nowadays.
One could say she has ascended to that self-imposed reclusive state that true artists do, and you would be right. We only see her in December for an annual concert – an experience that reminds us what we fell in love with a decade ago.
We just want her back.
There are fine, serviced flats in Banana Island.
NAETO C
Before Davido became the face of pop stars born into Nigeria’s upper class, Naeto C, son of a former Aviation minister introduced Nigeria to a new, smooth form of rap. From his diction to the subject matter and lines like “jaded view, you can’t record my flaws”, it was as if Naeto C, was saying “no be fight, we can actually make this rap thing classy”.
Naeto used the freedom to be ambitious and aspirational in his music, and many more have since.
Without Naeto, there’d be no Cartier, Ghetto P, Yung6ix. The list goes on.
This One Is A Bit Hard. Mostly Because No-One Knows What Naeto Is Up To Nowadays.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp2O9GNgeWW/
The only MC with an MSc, until Lord V, enjoyed his best year in 2011. And there was no better sign that heaven put hand on top am than “Share My Blessings”.
Then Naeto turned his attention to family and business and left the public eye until 2015 when he dropped two albums.
But no-one was expecting anything from him so it really went unnoticed. And that’s where we are.
We could get an album tomorrow, although the man seems engrossed in daddy duties with his third child, Naeso. Nobody knows what to expect.
9ICE
What set 9ice apart from the rest of this class was that his primary medium was Yoruba – the language, the inherent sense of melody and the rich oral tradition.
9ice had been around for a while but in 2008, the stars lined up for the Coded Tunes frontman.
The result is an album, primarily sung in one language, that crossed regional and national borders and put 9ice on the same stage as U2 for a concert in celebration of Nelson Mandela.
Nigerians had made songs in local dialects for decades, but in a world that was gradually becoming smaller, “Gongo Aso” redefined how Nigerian musicians portrayed their identity.
10 Years Later, 9ice Makes Do With Cult Status.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BqM58GXHb-F/
None of the works quite hit the creative and commercial heights that Gongo Aso did.
And while he’s one of the most prolific artists around – 9 albums in 12 years – quality has steadily been in short supply.
Yet “Gongo Aso” is not so easily forgotten and he still enjoys the repute the album gave him – 9ice still makes music but it’s just not as nice anymore.
X-PROJECT
If there’s one song that can define the intensity with which indigenous dance music overran 2008, it’s “Lorile”.
Little was known of the trio before they showed up in early 2008 with a hit that really shouldn’t have worked.
To start with, the song was noisy, it was entirely made in Yoruba and it was impossible to make any sense of what Konga, the featured guest, was saying.
Yet, it became a dance floor staple from my street carnival to Road Runners . X-Project’s success validated a lot of underground musicians in Ebute Metta, Agege and all the Lagos’ suburbs where this sort of music had grown over years.
Lowkey, this is the reason ‘shaku-shaku’ has gone international, ‘shepeteri’ is popular slang and Slimcase has a career.
If You Find X-Project, Please Call 08072769656.
We need help with this one. These men seem to have left the face of God’s green earth.
J.MARTINS
Prior to 2008, J.Martins was largely known as a producer from the East whose signature sound was a fast-paced take on highlife influenced by soca rhythms.
J. Martins brought that mix of Igbo and Brazil to bear on “Good or Bad” featuring frequent collaborators, P-Square and Timaya.
For all purposes, it was a pop song as evidenced in its wild popularity but layered within was a formula that adapted high-life music for the 21st century.
Highlife had finally found a place at popular music’s table. It wouldn’t be until 2017 that a Yoruba boy by way of Ghana would alter the formula.
Is J.Martins Still Tweaking Highlife in 2018?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BoqJwFhFfXM/
Not exactly.
Some would give J. Martins credit for building a bridge between Anglophone and Francophone Africa. At a time when his peers were chasing Snoop Dogg, he was making his name alongside acts like Fally Ipupa and DJ Arafat.
Today, he’s more likely to be seen globe-trotting for his various side hustles. The odd song still comes out – like October’s “Ogologo Ndu”.
It’s been a long time since he was living with P.Square and hoping for his big break. There’s no pressure now.
Honourable Mention: WIZKID
Wizkid didn’t drop his first single until 2010, and we had to wait till the next year for his debut album.
But if you’re looking to find when Nigeria’s most influential artiste of the last decade first announced himself, it was in 2008 on “Fast Money, Fast Cars”, off MI’s debut, “Talk About It”.
MI told me Wizkid recorded the verse off random freestyles, after taking a bike to his house following a phone call. It was a small taste of what was to come.
In the next three years, Wizkid would become the most-sought-after hook-master on the continent, define what it meant to be a wunderkind and break the ceiling for his peers.
Walking Runways In Dolce & Gabbana. Scoring a US No. 1 Hit As A Featured Act On Drake’s “One Dance”. Fronting For Brands Like Ciroc And Moschino.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BqSJwrKhf8X/
Wizkid is still breaking ceilings.
For the first time since 2011, he may have genuine contenders for his position as the biggest musician in Nigeria.
But when the trends end, Wizkid’s legacy will be that he gave the rest a standard to meet, or at the least, aspire to.
Maybe it’s glasses or special gloves. But the thing that will let me know if ponmo is soft before it enters my plate, I need it. Fast!
Iya Moria has punished me too many times.
Anything that can make me jump traffic like this in Nigeria, please make it happen.
Let me just turn to transformer when third-mainland starts nonsense.
Maybe it’s spirit we’ll employ last-last. But Nigerians need something that’ll shout “don’t pick this call, it’s money they want to ask for” when people want to turn you to GTB ATM.
But really, won’t this be mad?
Imagine if our cars had automatic koboko for when Danfo drivers start misbehaving. No stress, you’ll be in the car and it’ll be doing its thing
Or something that can just rake keke-marwas, when they think they can be dragging road unnecessarily.
I’m tired at this point. If it’s special face-cap we can be wearing for our generators so they won’t be so noisy, somebody make it please!
As money for Mikano isn’t set.
You know what every Nigerian needs? Their own siren! Once those politicians start making noise like this, we turn it to choir meeting.
If soldier catches you, don’t bring them to Zikoko office oh!
Since mosquitoes have turned Baygon to body spray, if we could just get like automatic slappers to catch them, it won’t be bad.
If you’re feeling this say “yeah-yeah”
I don’t know how Whatsapp wants to do it, but something that can be replying my mommy automatically: “wow that’s true”,when she starts with her BCs. Quick, please.
It has reached SOS at this point!
Who can fund this? Portable lie-detector for when our mechanics want to start moving mad?
Once they start saying: “aunty na engine problem”, it will just shout: “stop lying, it’s only spark -plug”
Do you know how mad it will be if our cars could wear invisibility cloaks when LASTMA starts their nonsense?
“your license and particu… blood of Jesus”
Speaking of things Nigerians really need. Make sure you subscribe to our #GameofVotes newsletter today. We’ll be counting down all the most important things that happen in politics leading up to the elections.
How else do you explain girls between the ages of 9-13, actively anticipating a river of blood coursing out of their bodies for days on end? I remember feeling downright robbed, but having to fake excitement when everyone else got their first period.
When mine finally came, I only half-heard what my mother said about being responsible now that my ‘menses’ had started. I was already happily three-tap texting the news to my friends on my little Nokia 6230i.
These days, the only thing I feel when my period arrives is dread
When I get that first tell-tale pimple or crink in my back, I take 5 minutes to seriously consider getting pregnant – just so I don’t have to bother with my period for 9 months.
But then I remember my very Nigerian, very Yoruba mother and I’m forced to await my punishment for being a responsible, celibate adult – pretty much. Most times, it feels like my period is looking for the most innovative way to off me, trying out a different pain metric every month until it finds the one. Seeing as women have on average 500 periods in a lifetime, I need to survive about 360 murder attempts till I’m off the hook.
Great.
Periods have always been tough for me.
I remember a dreary day when I had to get my Bencher’s Form signed (a requirement to write the Nigerian Bar Exam). It felt like someone had shackled an anchor to my hip-bone, just so they could intermittently practise puppetry with my insides. All pain meds refused to stay down and I remained affixed to the floor. That floor was a toilet’s – fervent diarrhoea and vomiting are just some of the goodies in my menstrual package.
Hours later, with the pain unrelenting, I was forced to drag myself — back pain, cold sweats, diarrhoea and nausea in tow, to get my form signed.
While my dramatic pain is symptomatic of dysmenorrhea – a condition affecting almost 72.5% of female students in Southern-Nigeria alone – another condition that is nothing but horror to live through while being on your period is endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue lining the uterus grows outside of it, resulting in terrible pain during periods, intercourse and in certain instances – infertility.
To get an idea of what the pain of endometriosis feels like, one woman described it saying: “it feels as if someone took a pickaxe to my uterus and is trying to break out”
With many women, pain during periods is the rule and not the exception.
It’s maddening how little talk there is about it. Not in the media — where the most period representation you’d get is a bunch of school-girls just frolicking in glee at the thought of their periods, merrily check-checking each other for stains.
And most certainly, not in the workplace.
I’d always wondered how to handle the monstrous duo of work and having periods thrown in the mix.
With secondary school, I’d always been able to contain the worst of my period pains by befriending the school nurse (she still sends me the best parental Whatsapp BCs) and turning the sick-bay into a second home of sorts. Uni, I could dip at the first sign of period troubles.
With work, there was no telling what would happen – there’s a whole other energy.
The whole purpose of your presence is productivity. Work in Nigeria involves people dodging queries and doing their best semblance of productivity while sneak-watching the fifth season of SGIT. It’s the last place you’d want to display weakness or vulnerability, even if it is beyond your control.
In the third month of my service year, I was attacked by the period Chimera.
I was having the worst cramps in recent memory, I had no painkillers and 0 pads on me. In my defence, my period was uncharacteristically late, so I thought the universe had done me a solid and skipped my period that month. I was wrong.
After twenty minutes of being doubled over and performing my usual period theatrics in the office toilet, my God-sent colleague brought back sufficient pads and painkillers to stave off an army.
While attempting to commiserate and drown out my groans, she told me of past period experiences around the office. There was the lady who slept in her car during lunch-break just so she’d have the opportunity to lay down. There were ones who had to make up family emergencies to leave work. And those who grudgingly told the truth in order to be excused from work. And though we laughed – or at least she laughed while I waited for the meds to kick in – I couldn’t help but consider the very bad hand women had been dealt.
Despite making a significant part of the nation’s workforce, no concessions are granted to women for their monthly dispositions. I’d be almost impossible to find an office that stocks up on pads and painkillers for women, yet every toilet has tissue paper and hand wash.
We’re guessing HR is yet to receive the 3000-year memo that women are susceptible to involuntary bleeding every month.
While I was all too eager to enjoy the trappings of being a Corps member, with more leniency allowed for missing work, my current full-employment prospects have me weighing my options
Do I ask for days off when my period strikes and risk being pegged dramatic (not that I’m too bothered by that)? Or do I go the way of my forebears, grinning and bearing the pain like many colleagues before me?
Times like these, I wish I were born in a country like Japan or even Zambia – where period leaves are called Mother’s Day.
While this is no sure fix-it for the woes women bear with menstruation and the workplace, at least they understand the import of a pain that has made me Google, at my worst; ‘how to perform a uterus autonomy’.
Back to pregnancy as a solution.
My friend – who read an early draft of this story – said to tell you that you can, in fact, get pregnant and still see your period.
So, there goes my plan –haemorrhaging away, like my next period.
In less than 100 days, you’ll be making a choice over which people will steer this green-white ship for another four years. I’m talking about the 2019 General elections starting February 16, 2019.
Nigerians around the country will go out to vote new ̶r̶u̶l̶e̶r̶s̶ leaders into office. From the House of Reps all the way up to the Presidency. You know the drill.
You’re probably one of these people:
“Oga, I don’t even know who to vote for, because everything just seems confusing”
“I know who I’m voting for, and I’m super ready!”
“I don’t have a PVC, and that might or might not suck”
“What are you talking about?”
Whichever one you are, we have something to tell you. See these politicians? Most of them want to use our future to play Ludo and Monkey-post. We will not take it!
This is what’s up
Who’s running? What are they doing? What does it all mean in the big scheme of things?
We’ll keep you posted on only the most important stuff from the past week. Once a week. Mondays. 5pm.
No clickbait. No B.S. No heinous threads or epistles.
Just 5 straight-to-the-point absolute need-to-knows. In 3 minutes. All of this, while making sure you don’t get bored to death.
Life is too short for fake news.
If you call this dispatch “politics for people who hate and/or don’t understand politics,” you’ll be goddamned right.
Subscribe to the Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch by clicking here. The first issue will be here before you know it.
Share this. The more the merrier.
If you are a part of the very small percentage of Nigerian adults who have their lives put together enough to make budgets, we have a thing or two to tell you. While you might think that you’ve covered all your bases. You’ve made a budget for food, transport even Friday night faji, there are a couple of key things you are leaving out of your budget that could ruin your finances.
The second cloth you have to buy after your tailor takes the aso-ebi you bought for a wedding and travelled with it.
Please, when are we going to come together as a people and boycott Nigerian tailors?
The extra tyre you need to buy after that deep pothole on your street finally tears your tyre.
And the second one you’ll buy after the same pothole tears the new one.
If you thought you’ll need only 10k fuel for the month double it, because the transformer on your street will blow and you won’t have light for three months.
And you’ll still contribute for NEPA people to come and fix the transformer.
Drugs for malaria you only got because your street has been flooded for the past two weeks.
By the time you get your hospital bill, you’ll wish you just stayed home and prayed the malaria away.
The third and fourth internet subscriptions you have to pay for because the first two start moving mad.
Then you go back to the first two when the third and fourth one starts misbehaving too.
The funny sound your generator starts making even though you only serviced it last week.
You’ll think it just needs to be serviced again until your gen guy tells you, you need to replace the carburetor.
When someone steals wires from the NEPA pole on your street and you have to contribute to pay for it.
You also have to settle the NEPA guys who will come and fix it.
The new phone you have to buy because they obtained your old one in traffic.
Shebi if the traffic was moving the thief won’t have seen road to collect your phone.
When your rent is due on January 1st and your landlord tells you on the 31st that he’s increasing the rent.
After you’ve used all your extra money for December rocks.
Getting that message from your younger brother, sister asking for money.
Me sef I need epp.
The borehole in your compound just suddenly stops working because the last plumber to fix it used fake parts.
And you just fixed it last month,
All the people you have to settle just so you don’t die on the line collecting things like your driver’s license or passport.
And they’ll still ask anything for the boys after you’ve settled them.
Settling police so they can release your friend they carried for no reason.
They said because he was using an iPhone he must be a yahoo boy.
The side mirror of your car you have to replace because one danfo guy trying to overtake you hit it.
After hitting it he started rolling on the floor using God to beg you.
Having to replace the compressor of your freezer because NEPA blew it.
And the surge protector you bought was fake.
NEPA bringing a 90k bill for you even though they only gave you light twice that month.
If you don’t have a prepaid meter go and get one now.
Did we leave anyone out?
Crushes are a natural part of life. Unfortunately, they’re also a terrible part of life because half the time they never lead to anything. (Especially if you’re shy.) You’re just left watching the object of your desire be with someone else while eternal loneliness looms on your horizon.
But fear not because I’m here with information that can possibly change that. When it comes to crushes, all you need sometimes is a foot in the door, and (if the universe doesn’t hate you) your crush just might like you back. You two will then go on to have babies together or whatever.
Here are 10 ways to successfully “get your foot in the door.”
1. Slide in their DMs
From experience, corny jokes work best. Like sending them pictures of different household items (luggage, couch etc) and then when they ask you what you’re doing, you tell them you’re moving into their DMs. They’ll laugh and you’ll laugh and hopefully, a conversation starts from there.
2. Leave them notes with sweet messages on them.
Everyone loves sweet messages that send shivers down their spine.
3. Break into their house and leave them a beautiful gift.
Like a vial of your blood or urine that they can wear as a pendant.
4. Maintain eye contact with your crush from across the room until they break and ask you what exactly it is you want.
It worked for Edward Cullen and it’ll work for you.
5. Take a copy of their picture to your church and have your pastor force them to notice you with the power of the holy spirit.
Each woman in this photo has a photo of their crush under their beret.
6. Stalk your crush on a major holiday while wearing a mask and overalls.
Eventually, they’ll notice you and think it’s cute. Personally, I think Michael Myers was misunderstood and that all his victims should’ve given him a chance to express himself.
7. Stand below your crush’s bedroom window at midnight with a boombox and make your intentions known by playing the song, “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew
The ultimate love song.
8. Pull a “Twilight”and sneak into your crush’s house to watch them sleep.
Edward Cullen himself should’ve written this article.
9. Follow your crush around for a day and appear in the background of every picture they take.
The demons in the “Conjuring” universe are great at this. Summon one real quick and ask how they do it.
10. Or you could just work up courage and go talk to them instead of trying something on this list and getting arrested.
Keep in mind that they might turn you down. However, what to do next if that happens is a story for another day.
Odunlade is easily the current reigning meme king in the whole of Nigeria. And these thirteen memes of him are ridiculously apt for every situation in your life.
When your landlord sends you a letter that he’s increasing your rent next year.
But salary hasn’t increased for the past three years.
When you finally run into that Onigbese that has been owing you money for the past five years.
One day for the owner.
When someone wakes you up just as you are about to enter the sweet part of your sleep.
This had better be a life or death situation.
When it’s 5:05 pm on a Friday and your boss asks you if you would mind staying an extra hour to help with something.
How you look at your haters when you are flourishing in life.
All weapons fashioned against me shall not prosper.
When you’ve been waiting for the puff puff to be ready for an hour and the person in front of you buys everything on the tray.
The heart of man is wicked.
How the bouncers look at you when you show up at an invite only owambe without your I.V.
Oga please just respect yourself and go back.
The side eye your mum gives you when you are doing something foolish.
There’s no need for her to talk
When you are sleeping but hear your mum come in and remember you didn’t sweep the place she told you to sweep.
You better find a way to sweep it in 2.5 seconds.
How you carry your shoulder up during salary week.
When you know you won’t soak garri or cook indomie for at least one week.
When you buy food, only to get home and realize that the person selling it forgot to put your meat.
You bought three meat and assorted and they didn’t put anyone.
When you don’t know the answers to all the compulsory questions in an exam.
So what am I supposed to write now?
These are just our favourite Odunlade memes. What are yours?
