• As a student, N1,000 might mean nothing to you. Well, let us shock you. Here are 5 amazing things you can do with N1,000.  

    SEE A MOVIE

    Yeah that’s right. With N1,000, you can go to a cinema (On the Mainland Oh!) and see a movie to make your day. However, it is advisable to check the show time and days to know when you are qualified to ask for a movie ticket.  

    BUY A BOOK…OR TWO

    This one is achievable anywhere! (And your parents would be proud) Books are assets, whether for knowledge, education or fun. With N1,000, you can walk into a bookstore and pick a good book or two. (Please be sure of the price tag sha.)

    GET AN ATM CARD

    These days, one can open a bank account without paying a kobo. But why sentence yourself to suffering on long queues and in banking halls when there’s a more convenient way to get things done. With N1,000, you can get an ATM card for easy access to your funds. (If you lose the card, OYO is your case). 

    PURCHASE ONE-MONTH MOBILE DATA

    Data is very important; it is every student’s need, if not to stay connected to social communities, at least to do assignments. (Na so.) Well, with N1,000 you can get one-month data subscription on any of the popular telecoms network to stay connected. (Remember to password your hotspot) 

    SECURE YOUR FUTURE 

    This is no joke at all. Which is why Leadway Assurance has provided every Nigerian Student with a financial solution called the Leadway Student Protection Plan. This plan can help you complete you tertiary education for just N1,000. It is an insurance product that is designed to cover students in ONLY Federal / State Tertiary Institutions so their future is secure when they lose a loved one that is either a parent, guardian or sponsor.

    The best part about this is that you can sign up and buy this product in 15mins. Click this link to get started.

  • I’ll just start this by saying that if we’re friends in real life and you do any one of these things on Twitter, I’ve most likely muted you because you’re awful and looking at your timeline gives me a headache. Also, I quietly report your tweets in the hopes that Twitter eventually deletes your account.

    Now, for today’s business.

    1) Altering your name to look like this:

    I hate to sound bougie (I don’t) but it’s not cute; it’s actually razz. Also, it’s super hard to read for people who don’t already know your name. Where do you think you are? Facebook in 2011? Stop it.

    2) Catfishing:

    This is for the people (mostly guys) that open new Twitter accounts, take a picture of a random pretty girl, use it as their avi, and start masquerading around the TL pretending to be the pretty girl in the avi:

    WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACHIEVE?

    3) The people that go under every well-performing tweet and write this:

    “Why? So I can enjoy your starving African kid memes and Davido Vs Wizkid hot takes? Thanks. I’ll pass.”

    4) Hijacking trends topics to sell stuff (when your stuff has nothing to do with the thing trending).

    I remember when some guy tweeted a trash hot take about the presidential election and implied at the end that it was the first in a thread.

    This idiot began promoting his mixtape in the next tweet. There’s really no difference between shit like this and that one-time the entire Five Star Music record label faked Skiibii’s death for clout.

    5) Using religion to guilt-trip people into retweeting you.

    The most common one is “Retweet if God has been good to you this month. Reply with ‘Amen’ for even more blessings.”

    Just say you want attention and go.

    6) Using other people’s pain and misery to thank God for how good you have it.

    Just… don’t.

    7) This shit:

    One would think that with Twitter’s Muted Words feature, it would be easy to avoid this. But the people who tweet these things found a way around muting by intentionally misspelling them, leading to variations like this:

    Unintentional comedy aside, STOP IT.

  • It’s important for people to break out of their comfort zones and try new things. It’s also important for people to know their limits. These 5 celebrities listed below did not know (or refused to acknowledge) their limits and it led to hilarious pieces of pop culture that’ll haunt them forever.

    1) Genevieve Nnaji

    In 2004, when she and a couple of other Nollywood big names were on a temporary ban from Nollywood for charging too much, Genevieve Nnaji stormed the music scene with a single that no one saw coming (or even wanted) named “No More.” It became a smash hit mostly because it carved a hole for itself in the “so bad it’s good” category.

    What no ever talked about, though, was how the song was lowkey a women empowerment anthem. In it, Genevieve sings about how she finally has the strength she needs to move on from an abusive relationship. Here are a few lyrics from the chorus:

    “No More hits oh. No more Crying oh. No more fighting oh. No more tears oh. I got my freedom power and more!”

    Genevieve Nnaji: a feminist queen ahead of her time. This is why we have decided to stan forever. 🙌

    2) Omotola Jalade Ekeinde

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YkFSAW25rk

    2005 (a year during which she was under the same ban Genevieve was under) saw the release of Omotola’s debut album titled “Gba!“. It spawned the single “Naija Lowa,” a generic western-sounding party song that was very much a product of its time. In 2012, she released the single “Feel Alright” (the video above) to raise awareness for an album she planned to release that year named “Me, Myself, and Eyes.”

    The album never came out.

    3) Jim Iyke

    This nigga woke up one morning in 2007 and decided to start his own record label. As if that wasn’t enough, he released a whole ass album and even managed to drag some music big names into the mess of a project. His debut single titled “Who Am I?” featured 2Face, and I’ve spent the better part of my adult life wondering how.

    4) 2Face Idibia

    In the early 2000s, when TuFace was at the height of his powers, someone convinced him to star in a movie named The Twist alongside Carol Dajuma (née Ekanem), and Emeka Enyiocha. The only thing funnier than his acting was the movie’s plot. In it, TuFace and Emeka Enyiocha play brothers who fall for the same girl (Carol Ekanem). While both brothers fight over who gets to have Carol’s character, she picks Tuface. This leads to a marriage proposal and an offscreen genital bump session. By the end of the movie, it is revealed that all three characters are somehow siblings. The end.

    I guess you could say that this movie gave “Flowers In The Attic” a run for its money.

    5) Kaffy

    Dance queen and Guinness World Record breaker, Kaffy, is well known for choreographing music videos and live shows. However, in 2010, she decided to branch out into the music side of things by releasing a song titled, “Omo Gidi.

    The song was bad. But you know what was worse?

    The music video.

    6) Tonto Dikeh

    I remember where I was seven years ago when Tonto Dikeh dropped this terrible autotune-laden banger. The internet exploded with jokes and parodies, which led to Tonto (who at this point had nicknamed herself “Poko Baby”) convincing herself that we were all haters. When she released the video not long after, the song had somehow become Dubstep, a genre makeover that did nothing to improve the song’s quality.

  • Official reports place Nigeria’s population at over 200 million. Of these 200 million people 48.3% prescribe to Islam and 49.2% to Christianity. Both doctrines discourage same-sex relationships. A natural conclusion might be that 97.5% of Nigerians are conservative and therefore intolerant of homosexuality. But is that the case? Or are Nigerians more accepting of LGBT rights than we think? We took a look at two surveys conducted in 2017 and 2019 to find out.

    “Why are you gay?”

    Though offensive, the average Nigerian asking a homosexual this question may mean no offence. Homosexuality is a difficult concept for most Nigerians to understand. Is it innate? Something you are born with it? While a number of scientific studies suggest that being gay might be genetic, there has been no conclusive research to confirm that there is a biological reason behind being gay. There are also no conclusive studies to suggest that it’s a choice.

    The 2017 report from a series of surveys* conducted biennially, showed that  91% of Nigerians were of the opinion it was simply impossible for you to be born gay. That number has now dropped in 2019 to 89%. Could the drop be attributed to the ever-growing Millenial and Gen Z generation who have proven to be more accepting or does that number cut across all generations of Nigerians? While 2% might not seem like a significant number, in a country where 97.5% of its population is conservative, it’s a start.

    “Mum, Dad, I’m Gay”

    ‘Mum, Dad, I’m Gay’. This is the opening line for dozens of prank videos on Nigerian YouTube. This opening gambit plays on the fear and anger that most young Nigerians know to expect from the older generation. In real life scenarios, this cocktail of emotions often leads to violence, possible disownment and rejection of children who come out as homosexual to older generation parents.

    As young Nigerians become parents, YouTube hopefuls will have to come up with new video openers. Based on a recent survey, it turns out that Nigerian families are a lot more accepting of same-sex relationships than these videos will have you believe. The results from the aforementioned study show that 30% of Nigerians will accept a homosexual family member. A significant jump from the 13% number gotten from the same survey conducted in 2017. Respondents aged between 18 and 40 made up a greater part of the 30%, which shows that Millenials and Gen Z’s are more accepting of homosexual family members than their parents’ generation.

    Looking beyond the law                                

    In 2014, The Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act, which criminalizes marriage, witnessing a marriage, registration of ‘gay clubs’ and public show of ‘amourous’ same-sex affection was signed into law. Any public show of affection between two people of the same sex was also banned and punishable with up to 10 years in prison.

    It’s been 5 years since the law was passed. While no official number exists, dozens of arrests have been made. In July 2017, a hotel in Lagos was raided and 42 men who claimed to be attending an HIV testing and counselling outreach programme were arrested and charged (without evidence) with the offence of performing homosexual acts on each other. In August 2018 another raid was reported in Lagos. This time 57 men attending a birthday party were arrested and again there was no evidence to back up the police charges.

    Despite the gloomy numbers above, there’s conclusive evidence that fewer people are currently in support of this law. 17% of respondents in a 2019 survey opposed the anti-same-sex law.

    How well do you know your neighbour?

    The most popular gay person you know is probably a celebrity, like Ellen Degeneres. You may also know Bisi Alimi, a Nollywood actor who was the first Nigerian man to come out on television in 2004 and has been a very vocal LGBT activist since then. So it’s unsurprising that 24% of Nigerians only know homosexual people who are famous. Only 19% of the respondents in the study said they personally knew someone who identified as a homosexual. Maybe it’s because we mind our business, or because many LGBT people in Nigeria do not feel safe disclosing their sexual orientation. As attitudes to the law change, it is expected that this percentage will increase.

    Are LGBT rights human rights?

    Have you ever thought about being shunned for your sexuality? Or living with the fear of being harassed, beaten, arrested or killed simply for being who you are? These are the realities of LGBT people in Nigeria today.

    Despite this, 70% of respondents in this study think this country would be a better place without homosexuals. 40% don’t mind them so long as they don’t have to see them. Let’s not even talk about their thoughts on same-sex marriages. Again gloomy numbers, but we must remember that in 2017, only 17% of the respondents thought homosexuals deserve the same rights as “regular” Nigerians. Today, that percentage has increased to 27%. These numbers indicate that Nigerians are gradually accepting the fact that LGBT rights are indeed human rights.

    So are Nigerians more accepting of LGBT rights in the year of Burna Boy and our baby boy National Assembly? Numbers show that acceptance is on the increase and this is important to our sense of humanity as a people. Change may not come in the form of marches and parades but in our attitudes and social acceptance of persons who are not exactly like us.

    *The surveys referred to in this article were conducted by The Initiative for Equal Rights (TIERs). You can find more on the results of this year’s survey here. TIERS is a Nigerian-based registered not-for-profit organisation working to protect and promote the human rights of sexual minorities nationally and regionally.


  • You’re one health emergency away from going bankrupt in Nigeria.

    • – Some human on the internet

    In that human’s defence, they’re not wrong. But we’re not here to just tell you that that statement is correct, we’re here to show you why. With facts.

    Strap yourselves in ladies and gents, it’s going to be an eye-opening ride..

    But first, here’s a fun fact:

    It affects over 17,000 Nigerians annually. As the name implies, the disease destroys the kidneys, leaving the sufferer to depend on mandatory dialysis sessions 3 times a week to clean the blood. (Stuff the kidneys should be doing.) The cost for one dialysis session ranges from ₦17,000 – ₦25,000. These sessions will go on until one finds an organ donor and when that happens, the transplant will cost at least ₦6.5 million.

    The annual salary of the average Nigerian we mentioned earlier doesn’t even come close to being able to cover everything we just went over.

    Let’s go with another chronic illness:

    Hepatitis C is a viral infection that causes liver inflammation, sometimes leading to serious liver damage. About half of people living with Hepatitis C don’t know they’re infected, mainly because symptoms can take decades to become apparent i.e. when the virus has done near irreversible damage to the liver.

    At this point, the infected would need a liver transplant to survive, which costs millions of naira.

    Another chronic illness:

    When most people are told by their doctors that they are diabetic, their first instinct is to self-medicate with traditional concoctions without actually reducing their sugar intake. What they don’t realize is that their diabetes may have already gone far beyond what mango leaves boiled in hot water can solve.

    Then the symptoms escalate.

    Diabetes can cause heart attacks, strokes, blindness, etc. The price of diabetes medication keeps going up, and then there are those who need daily insulin injections or tablets.

    In severe cases, diabetes can lead to lower limb amputation. This procedure costs nothing less than ₦3 million.

    If you think you don’t need to worry because the above illnesses aren’t that common, here’s one that’s a lot more common than you think:

    Appendicitis (the inflammation of a finger-like projection of the large intestine called the appendix) is a medical emergency that requires prompt surgery, and If not treated on time, it may rupture, spilling poisonous content into the abdominal cavity and the bloodstream. This will lead to death.

    Appendectomy (the surgery required to remove an inflamed appendix) is said to be the most common abdominal surgical emergency, and it is said to occur in all ages. The cost of an emergency appendectomy can range between ₦150,000 and ₦250,000.

    People with illnesses like the ones above start with self-funding. When they inevitably run out, they turn to friends and family for assistance before the next level.

    Crowdfunding.

    Now, no one hopes to fall sick, but the fact is that it’s a part of life. Until technology gives us the ability to transfer our consciousness into android bodies, the best we can do is give ourselves a fighting chance.

    With health insurance.

    Health insurance protects you from unplanned medical expenses. It helps you pay for doctor visits, hospital stays, prescription drugs, important preventive care and other medical needs. You can choose from a variety of health insurance plans with different levels of coverage to fit your needs and budget.

    The following images have been created as a way to further illustrate how health insurance plans can benefit you:

    You might be the epitome of health right now,  but the idea is to be prepared for any illnesses or accidents that may occur in the future.

    Remember, unlike Superman, you’re vulnerable.

  • It’s been a while since anyone called Nigeria the “Giant of Africa” without a hint of sarcasm shimmying between each word. Once upon a time, as the last of the colonisers left, the world had high hopes for the new African countries; more so Nigeria than anyone else.

    Today, the mention of Nigeria elicits many things. In the last decade or so, our music has picked up where the older generation left off and become the hot new special sauce on the global music menu. But that’s not the entire story. So we’re asking the question “What exactly does the world know Nigeria for?”.

    We’ll be answering it with help from Nigerians who live in the diaspora or have been in a position to interact with how the world perceives us.

    But wait first? What was Nigeria famous for in the beginning?

    Hope and Promise. Apart from having a large contingent of professionals in the diaspora, we were the most populous black nation on earth. Our music – highlife and juju – were prickling ears across the Atlantic. We had an abundance of mineral resources – palm oil, bitumen, coal, the list is long. The men at the helm of the country were young, educated, exposed and dreamy.

    What was the height of Nigeria’s fame?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzAIGgWNHbY

    The 70s were a special time. It was just after the oil boom and after the unfortunate events of the civil war, Nigeria was eager to rebuild. First, we began to project the image of a strong, self-sufficient regional power. The government nationalised most big companies.

    A lot of investment was also put into changing our image and positioning us as the bedrock of African pride – which is why in 1977, we hosted the Festival of Black Arts and Culture (FESTAC) which had an entire town built for its purpose. Nigeria won the African Nations Cup in this time as well.

    If you had to pick the events or happenings that changed the global perception of Nigeria over time, what would they be?

    “Ah. There’s a lot. I know the coups in the 60s through the 90s didn’t help. They saw us as barbarians who couldn’t manage to govern ourselves. That’s when a lot of us moved here. We were treated with concern and care but also a sense that we were a bunch of people who needed help.

    Then you have diplomatic disasters like Umar Dikko affair, the killing of Ken Saro Wiwa and other political prisoners, the treatment of Fela that had entertainers around the world chastising the government. In recent times, it’s been mostly the Mutallab affair. And then this new wave of internet scammers have made things worse.”

    • Tijani. Moved to the UK as a young hippie in the 80s. Now lives with his two sons in Milton Keynes, England

    Any good stories in there?

    “Yes. Yes. I remember how proud I was when we won gold in football at Atlanta 96. People were wearing traditional wears around the city the next day. There was also a lot of pride when we managed the Ebola crisis in a week if I remember well. People here were scared the country had a major crisis on its hands.

    “Lately, it’s been the food, all this talk about who has the better Jollof, the music too. Wizkid has been a big deal here for a while now. I think the main good story, for now, is our culture – the music, the clothes, the food.”

    • Tijani.

    What Was The First Weird Reaction You Got When You Said You Were Nigerian?

    “Every time I tell someone I’m from Nigeria, they always say “Oh, Nigerians love to party”. It’s usually people from other African countries. In my experience, white people have never really had a specific opinion about us, They just think Nigeria is so far away.”

    • Simi. Baby girl and media junkie who shuttles between Lagos and London.

    But How Do Foreigners view Nigerians In General? There’s for instance, a perception of young Nigerian men that stems from the fact that they’re often presented as culprits in fraud cases in places like the UK and South Africa.

    “It’s there, but I don’t think it’s peculiar to Nigerians though. People see young black guys like that (and their dressing doesn’t help either). But that’s a black problem, not a Nigerian one. It’s the same thing with fraud. Obviously, Nigerians are more infamous for it but more young black Brits here do it as well.”

    • Simi.

    Do you notice people ascribe certain traits to you when they discover you’re a Nigerian?

    “I can’t begin to explain. When I first moved to China in 2009, I felt like a slave, literally. As time went on, I found that there’s an impression there that black people are very industrious and hard-working so they tend to use us for work. I moved to Ireland and that was where I first felt this kind of raw hostility.”

    “Certain people were different; the younger generation has a more globalised view of the world but they make their assumptions too. There’s this neighbour that was so sure that I knew how to play ball because I was Nigerian. I live in the US now and apart from the odd nationalist or racist, most people are just interested in my culture.”

    • Ola. Owned a Barbershop in Lagos for 8 years. Moved to China, then Ireland. Now lives in Maryland, United States.

    What’s the worst thing you’ve heard foreigners say about Nigerians in general?

    When I was working in a Chinese owned factory in Berger, one of our foremen used to call us this thing that sounded like ‘jiggaboo‘. He’d say it then burst into laughter. It’s weird but in all my travels that’s the worst I’ve heard. Nowadays, I tell people I’m Nigerian and they say “Ah. Like Wizkid” or they start singing “If” or “Ojuelegba”. It’s actually very funny.

    • Ola, Maryland, United States.

    Has being a Nigerian ever gotten in your way?

    “Personally, no. But I know too many people who have genuine stories. So I’ll tell you one. In 2005, just as we were getting in gear for secondary school, one of my friends moved to the US on a scholarship. We were as happy for him as we could be given the circumstances. He left high school for college in Texas studying Chemical Engineering

    “And then on Christmas 2009, during his second year in University, the Mutallab thing happened. (The son of a former minister of economic development was caught trying to detonate explosives hidden in his underwear on a flight to the US.) My friend’s name was Al-Ameen, and it was around this time that his visa expired.”

    “He came back to Nigeria a few days later and applied for a renewal. They didn’t give him, so he tried, three more times. After a while, about a year, he gave up and started a program at a University in Ghana. He’s never been back to the US since.”

    • Stephen. Mostly lives in Detroit, Michigan in the United States. Visits Nigeria to update his pidgin and see his family.

    Have you ever enjoyed any privilege of being a Nigerian?

    “I can’t remember any specific instance. But one of the main perks I’ve enjoyed is a sort of social credibility. Among blacks in the US for instance, there’s a certain type of exotic respect you get for being Nigerian, growing up there and still being sound in American culture. But that aside, I can’t say.”

    • Stephen

    All of this must be a function of what we’ve given to the world, in a sense. What is Nigeria’s biggest export?

    “Today, it’s our culture and our people. And there are figures to prove it. From the 70s, just after the civil war came to an end, till 2018, crude oil was Nigeria’s biggest export. According to the good people at Africa Check, “crude oil and oil products made up 87.7% of Nigeria’s foreign exchange earnings in the first quarter of 2018.”

    “Then in 2018, something exciting happened. PricewaterhouseCoopers (PWC), a global financial powerhouse, estimates that in 2018, a total of $25.08 billion was remitted by Nigerians in diaspora into the country. This represents about 83% of the federal government’s 2018 budget in value.”

    Here’s why. In the last few years, human resources have become our greatest export. First, our movie and music industry took over Africa like a tidal wave. Not satisfied, Nigerian music began to find new audiences in the West, buoyed by the support of African communities in the diaspora. On one side, foreigners of African origin began to take a greater interest in their heritage and naturally, the culture of places like Nigeria and Ghana became a , commodity.

    Today, our music plays from Cyprus to Tahiti and our culture is referenced by everyone from Beyonce to designers like Gucci.

    So, finally, all that said, what is Nigeria most famous for today?

    “Culture. Money, Parties, Music and Lifestyle. Nigerian music is really big. Everyone wants to hop on it. Nigerian Parties as well. Crazy scenes.”

    • Simi.

    “I don’t know how to put this. I’d call it vibrancy. You know people say Nigerians can make the best out of any situation. That’s it – everything we do has a Nigerian touch to it and I think whether it’s in music, or movies, or even our fraudsters, people seem to know the Nigerian touch and they like it.”

    • Tijani

    “Our food. Our music. Black Americans love Nigerian music. Our celebrities are also somewhat popular here. Then, there’s a sense that we usually elect the oldest, dumbest people into power. So I have friends that like watching Nigerian politicians and their gaffes on Youtube. You can’t really blame them.”

    • Ola
  • So you’re a Nigerian who has decided to join the Nigerian police.

    Yay.

    I’m going to ignore the brain damage that most likely caused you to make this decision and just move on to the list of things you need to know before you join the force.

    Things like:

    Your uniform must be badly-tailored:

    If you’re on the heavy side with a pot belly, your shirt and trousers must be tight so it looks like your buttons could give way at any second and fly in all directions like bullets. If you’re skinny, your shirt and trousers must be at least 3 sizes too big so whenever you move, it looks like floating clothes on a hanger.

    Plant yourself on strange roads so you can stop cars and harass the people in them for money.

    Of course, you won’t just say “Give me money!” like that. Start by asking them for obscure car documents you know they won’t be with. If they happen to have these documents, break the ice with a terrible joke and ask them to give you something for the weekend.

    If they don’t have the documents, ask them to drop money to get themselves out of “trouble.” If they call you out on your bullshit (which, make no mistake, you are full of), refer to the image above for your next line of action.

    Do what ever it takes to get that egunje.

    It’s usually never more than ₦200 but that shouldn’t stop you from doing whatever you can to get it. Even if that means shooting up a bus full of innocent people.

    Plant yourself at strange corners so you can stop and harass random (young) people.

    You could use the usual criteria (dreads, piercings, expensive laptop and/or phone, etc) or you can just look in their eyes and see the guilt in them
    using the telepathic abilities they gave you in training school. Also, abuse your power even further by going through their personal belongings e.g. phones, computers, bags etc.

    Freak the fuck out when anybody speaks anything to you that isn’t pidgin English.

    According to your enabler, Yomi Shogunle.

    Sit in a corner close to your station and drink insane amounts of hot cheap beer, ensuring that no one can tell the difference between your station and a kidnapper’s den.

    Not that there’s a difference.

  • Can we bend your ear for a minute? Have you nursed dreams of leaving the shores of the country to a place that ‘works’?

    Perhaps the lure of fancy things like ‘stable electricity’ and ‘welfare programs’ has had you keeping long nights, studying for the IELTS, even though in your heart, you know Mrs. Ekanem knew what she was doing when she gave you that Best in English Language prize?

    Maybe you’ve lost your weekends to language classes — slaving over French conjugations and trying to make sense of German capitalisations because you’re ready to risk it all for a chance at that Quebec stay or Merkel’s Germany?

    Well, we’re going to go against the very essence of our beings and attempt to convince you to hold off on the classes and the grueling application procedures, to maybe give Nigeria a second chance. But we’re going to do it together, assessing the current systems in place to TRY TO UNDERSTAND IF YOUR REASONS FOR LEAVING ARE WORTHWHILE.

    As it currently stands, the main reasons for Nigerian emigration stem from: the economy, security, better welfare, education and maybe tourism. We’ll attempt to break these down to understand if Nigeria’s situation is so bad, thousands and thousands of miles are necessary to keep you away:

    Education

    Now, we all know Nigerian employers let their bias for international degrees show and a UK Masters degree is essential to progress as a Yoruba demon, but can we try to help you see reason in not travelling?

    So what if Nigerian Universities are under resourced and Nigerian lecturers prefer their notes antiquated? At the last count, two Nigerian Universities – Covenant and The University of Lagos made it to the top 700 in the world.

    What was that? You deserve only the best and no one remembers number 2, let alone number 689?

    Well, at least we tried, go on and fill out that visa form.

    Economy

    Because we are honestly kind people at heart, if you’re looking to leave because of Nigeria’s economy, we won’t try to stop you. Any escape from the poverty capital of the world, currently boasting a double-digit unemployment rate (23.1%) is a welcome relief. Go on with your bad self.

    Better Welfare

    Let’s see – are power, pliable roads, a sympathetic police force, running water, working emergency systems, sturdy bridges, reliable power supply and a welfare system for the poor that inalienable, that you have to leave the country to feel like a loved citizen?

    Okay, so maybe we have no point with this one.

    Security

    Okay, it’s terrible that we have two known terrorist organisations currently ravaging the state, and it has happened more than once that school children were taken from their schools to fulfil a worrying agenda. Also, it maybe that your sons, brothers, nephews and maybe even you aren’t safe from trigger happy policemen.

    …You know what, let us know how we can help you with that visa application form.

    So, we’re admitting failure here. If you can escape, pick today to do so. Let no one try to put sand-sand in your garri. Unless of course, you have good reasons to stay, then please let us have them in the comments below.

  • I start my days doing a number of things: 1.Exercising – which is usually my first attempt at getting up from bed. A sit up is a sit up, okay? 2. Setting social media restrictions for the day: I like to keep my interactions to a max one- hour for the whole day. That this hour is routinely multiplied by 6 is completely irrelevant. 3. Creating checklists to keep my activities for the day guided.

    For the most part, things usually go as planned; but I have noticed a number of lost, unaccountable hours recently. Some of it, I’ve realised is spent binge-watching Mad Men at interminable hours; but the majority of it is actually just me fantasising about the day I get to send my thoughts and prayers for whatever new mess Nigeria has found herself in, from my newly leased condo in the abroad.

    To properly account for my now very time-consuming habit, I decided to keep a little record of all the times the spirit fell upon me to leave the country, starting from Sunday.

    Sunday (April 14th) – what started off as a rather tame day, took a turn for the worst, with a three-hour-long session spent reminiscing on the possibilities of leaving Nigeria for the US. What kicked this off you might ask? Well, this news report said the US was warning its citizens against coming to Nigeria, owed to its record of terrorism and kidnappings. Then I started thinking, well, no one really warned Nigerians against coming to the US. Before I knew it, I was spending hours imagining a land with minimal mosquitoes and sensible people that don’t make two- lane roads into five at the first sign of traffic.

    Also, Nigeria’s cursed slow internet didn’t let me stream Game of Thrones in peace, I wanted to off-shirt.

    Monday (April 15th): after spending 17 minutes in traffic for my otherwise 5-minute commute to work, I couldn’t help but wonder what the weather in Amalfi must feel like at this time of the year. Of course I spent at least 40 minutes on borrowed work time researching this topic (April and October are the peak periods to visit, by the way, you’re welcome).

    Later in the day, while hopping on a Skype Call, a power cut in the middle of negotiations, had me asking potential clients about the welfare structures in Switzerland at this time of year, and if their countries granted asylum to frustrated Nigerians. They got a little confused with that second part, but I did my research regardless (24 minutes of it), they don’t grant asylum on grounds of frustration, sadly. The search continues.


    Tuesday (April 16th): despite having a relatively content day with my status as a Nigerian resident, all of that came crashing down when President Muhammadu Buhari, commiserated with France over the loss of parts of the Notre Dame structure.

    Now, while it’s definitely great to offer condolences, the fact that the majority of Nigeria’s relics are in perpetual states of neglect and have been largely forgotten by the government, saw me in front of my laptop with two tabs open —  the first being how to overthrow a government peacefully, and the other being ‘tips on winning the US Visa Lottery’. Friends, that was how I spent the remainder of my time between 4 and 11 pm researching.

    Wednesday(April 17th):  completely unprovoked, I spent an hour wondering what daily life in a country that didn’t try to kill you with stress must feel like. To actually be able to walk up to a policeman to ask for help without fearing for dear life, and having a real shot at employment, post-University without needing to know five people related to the Governor.

    It is now Thursday (April 18th), I can’t really be angry because well, we’re getting two public holidays in quick succession. But can you imagine spending those two working days in Canada, complete with a visa and working permit?

    crying campus

    Somebody please check on me in an hour’s time.

  • Every week, we ask anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira.

    In this story, a man will do anything legal for money. Like, anything.

    Age: 32.

    Industry: Informal

    When did the hustle start for you?

    2005. Inside Main Market, Onitsha. That time, I used to do Striker work–walking around the market and helping people sell clothes. So if they give us cloth for ₦1k, we’ll sell at ₦1,500, and so on.

    I was also born and brought up in Onitsha. My parents are Yoruba, but the way hustle carries everybody, that’s how it carried my parents. My father butchered cows, and mumsy was selling food. That time, I could only speak English and Igbo, no Yoruba or pidgin.

    I still did a lot of other work in Main Market, like picking plastics. By 4pm every day, we’d start going around the market, picking plastics till 7pm. Our pay was ₦15 per kilo, and one bag of plastic used to be like 10kg.

    This was when I just finished SS3.

    My actual plan after secondary school was to be a lawyer. And it really started in my mind then because, whenever people were fighting in school. I was the one that used to resolve it. Also, I really loved Government–especially the parts when they’re talking about our history and past leaders.

    See, the main reason I didn’t push on with my education was because there was no money. What ruined me was I couldn’t afford to pay for WAEC. Ordinary ₦18k. I would have written with 2004/2005 set. Those days, I think I almost went mad on top of this matter.

    So it was when I missed WAEC that year that I entered hustle.

    I sold minerals, pure water. Packed gutter. Packed dustbins. I had hands to pack anything that needed to be packed.

    What was the moment from those days that you can’t forget?

    December 21st, 2007. I used to live with a friend. By this time, my father had already died, and my mother relocated back to Kwara.

    My friend had issues with some guys, and those guys were cultists. Me? I didn’t even need to be a cultist, because everyone respected me.

    Sha, we went to the guys’ place, and that’s how shouting started, and then fighting.

    Later, in the night, my guy was at the junction. Not too long after I told him I was going inside, some men came in a Hummer that night. People who saw the car said it was about 4 guys. They told him to help them locate a place.
    “Come and show us the place na.” That kain thing. When he entered the car, they drove off. And he was gone. Just like that.

    Ehn?

    Ritualists. Sha, three days later, Police came, and the gist was “the last person everybody saw him with was his friend.”

    In fact ehn, the policemen walked up to me and were asking, “we’re looking for so-and-so.” They were asking me about me.

    “He’s not around..” Omo, as they left, I took off. People said if they catch me, it might be death or 25 years in prison.

    So I was hiding from place to place, for two weeks. Whenever I stayed long at one place, the guys there will pursue me saying, “abeg be going before Police will come and pack all of us.”

    Then my older brother just called me one day and said, “You can’t be here, let’s go to Lagos.”

    And so one early morning, before I could even shower or brush my teeth, I was on my way to Asaba. I had only the sweater I was wearing, ₦20 in my pocket, and my phone–a Nokia 1110.

    We took a luxurious bus, standing, to Lagos. ₦600. This was January 2008.

    Mad o.

    You see Lagos? That’s where the real hustle started. We had some family in Lagos, and so when they asked me what I wanted to do, I told them I’d like to learn tailoring. But my uncle had other plans, and that’s how I ended up selling building materials in Mile 12. While I was selling, I started learning how to dismantle things–air-conditioners, freezers.

    I did this until the beginning of 2009.

    The thing about working iron is that, I had to work under sun and rain, doing the hard work of dismantling for scrap. So even though I was making ₦1k to ₦3k per day, I’d work one month, and fall sick the next month.

    So mumsy told me to leave the work. I became jobless for the next 6 months, even though I was constantly looking for work.

    One time, I went to Lagos Island, I saw a sign for a shop that needed a sales boy, selling ceramics and pots. I got the job; ₦15k/month. Sales got bad, and I had to leave. So in the end I stayed there from July till December 2009.

    I was unemployed for another 5 months. Then in May 2010, I started rolling with this guy who was a trailer mechanic.

    I told him straight, “Guy, I’m sure you don’t like how I always ask you for Garri money. I need a job. If you hear of anything, tell me abeg.”

    One week after I told him, he called me around midnight. A driver needed a Motor-boy for his trailer. It was a 40-feet trailer–a CR7 Mack. I took it straight. We were picking containers from Apapa Wharf and delivering around Lagos. He used to pay me ₦5k per trip, and sometimes we did up to 5 trips a month.

    What does a Motor-boy do?

    I wash the trailer, fix the tyres, check engine oil and water levels. Then I also help check my side, for when a driver can change lanes. I tried to get my Oga to teach me how to drive, but he didn’t teach me.

    So one day, I called my friend and said, “oya show me Gear 1.” And I started learning small-small. Not too long after that, they sacked my Oga.

    The next Oga I had was paying me ₦200, while we were making ₦6k a day. But we were working with a Biscuit company, so biscuit was free at the factory. So, I was living on biscuit and water.

    Then I did some work for a man working in the factory, and when he liked what I did, he gave me a job in the factory.

    I started there December 26, 2010. The money they were paying was ₦850 per day, every two weeks. I was at the vehicle loading section, because them see say I get strength. I used to compete with one other guy who was bigger than me, over who will load more trailers. We used to load up to 10 trailers a day.

    Work was 6-6, but loaders used to close late, sometimes up to 11pm.

    So ₦11,900 every two weeks?

    When my first pay came in January, omo, I happy die. I went home and was looking at the money. I was like, what if I spend all this money and I end up not having a job again? So I started trying to save ₦5k every month and eating mostly factory biscuits.

    But the problem I had was that, because of how hard my work was, I was always hungry. So all the money I was trying to save went back into food.

    One day, our boss wanted us to work overtime again. Just after everyone had showered and was ready to leave. It vexed me, because we don’t get paid for working extra. It looked like he didn’t really care about us.

    The next day, one trailer driver asked me if I wanted to be his Motor-boy. At first I didn’t agree, but he told me that he’d treat me well. I accepted.

    Now, this was when I entered the real road life. December 2013.

    One thing I’ll never forget about him is, everything he ate, I ate. Any food he bought for himself, he bought for me.

    After Mile 12 days, this was my highest paying job. My first four days, ₦15k. What we were doing was carrying biscuits from this factory that I just left.

    Not too long after, they sacked my boss. So I had to get another job. The Biscuit factory moved from Apapa to Shagamu, Ogun State, and I was lucky to get another Motor-boy job.

    But I quit that one later.

    Ah, why?

    One day, he went to go and drink and carry Ashawo. When he came back, he forgot that he left someone sleeping under the trailer to secure the trailer battery and fuel tank. This man just drove off, and was already on his way to Lagos when he remembered me.

    Then I got another boss. Really good man. One time someone from his village asked him to come home, he went and never returned.

    I worked with more people, and started to relax more. I used to cry a lot when I worked at the factory but now I wasn’t crying.

    I was now getting up to ₦70k per month. But the problem with trailer life is that you eat a lot. So na food I dey use am buy.

    2015, I made my first trip to the North. We were carrying biscuits across the North; Kaduna, Maiduguri, Gusau.

    Then Zaki Biam–ah, they used to rob too much. Armed robbers with checkpoints and military uniforms.

    Maiduguri in early 2015, we used to see dead bodies on the road to Maiduguri sometimes. One time, we were parked along a highway and this small truck just packed, offloaded rice. Inside bush o.

    Later, another truck came, and there were men. They were wearing military uniforms, and they covered their faces in those turbans and masks?

    Who were they?

    Omo, me I no know o. Sha, After then, we went to Gusau, to pack oranges for offloading at Ore Toll Gate. I never went back to Maiduguri again, but I won’t forget that journey because, when we got to Kogi, my Oga parked the trailer, came down, and told me to enter the driver seat.

    That was the first time I drove my own trailer in my life, and when I got back to Shagamu, I got my first trailer job.

    Mad.

    So when I started, they were paying ₦20k per month. But we don’t really care about the money they pay us. It’s the money we make on the road that’s the koko–up to ₦80k. It was this period I started saving. Also, I now had my own Motor-boy. I made sure I treated him well.

    Nice. How long did you do that for?

    Not long. Kasala burst. I had a small room I rented in Shagamu, and there was someone staying with me. I was in Lagos for a family thing. My room caught fire, burnt my neighbour’s room.

    How did it happen? I had gas cylinder. The person staying with me cooked noodles. And when he finished, instead of turning off the gas, you know what he did? He just poured water on it. Like a Kerosene stove. But the gas was still open of course.

    A few minutes later, he wanted to smoke, and as he used his lighter; GBAO.

    Ah.

    When I got back home, the person I was staying with had run away, but the Landlord was waiting with Police. They collected all my savings, ₦350k, and they came back for more. But when they came, I done ja. This was April 2017.

    I didn’t get another job again for one year. All I was doing was helping people park and shouting twale for change.

    But in July 2018, I finally got my current job, selling grilled catfish.

    Between 2005 and now, how you see life?

    Wait, make I off my cap.

    See, life is hard for a poor man. Even worse for a person without a proper handwork. The worst thing is to not have an education. Life is just really hard. There’s a kind of hunger you have when you have very few options in life. Na that one I get.

    I struggle to sleep because of all the times I was working on trailers. But the struggle continues.

    Only advice my mumsy gives me is, don’t steal. Don’t do rituals.

    Some days, she doesn’t even care whether or not I give her money. All she wants to do is hear my voice.

    I believe one day, it will be well. If na by who work pass, I no fit carry second. I work for what I eat. My own is, I just want to make it before my mother dies. Because after God, she’s next.

    How much is your salary now, and how do you spend it?

    I was collecting ₦20k, but now I’ve started collecting ₦25k. See, my spending is straightforward. I save ₦5k. I send my mum ₦5k. I survived on ₦15k and the tips that people give me when they come to buy fish.

    I save, just in case anything happens, I can have backup.

    How much money is a good salary right now?

    ₦70k, and I go dey okay. I’ve collected this salary before, but trailer job is different. In a trailer job, we spend money as it comes. We collect money, work a lot, and spend a lot. Because it’s physical work. But I’ve seen how I managed with ₦20k, so ₦70k will be enough now. Also, I’ve done all the types of hard, physical work. I can do office work. I can read and write.

    What’s something you want to buy you can’t  afford?

    Right now? Clothes. And paint, because the room I’m staying, the paint done peel.

    What size do you wear?

    Shirt size; Small. Jeans; 29-30. Shoes; 40-41.

    What do you think about when you think about the future?

    Guy, many things. The first thing I want to do is build a house for my mother, I don’t care if I’m living inside one room. When my father died, my spirit could take it. But if my mother dies without me giving her a better life, ah.

    Then I want to build a home for homeless people. Free. This is my biggest dream. Just come and live, then we’ll help you get work, so you can also get work for other people.

    I want to wipe tears. I want to help people forget, and think of bright things.

    Wait, what of that your friend in Onitsha?

    Ah, yes. One time when I was a Motor-boy and we weren’t too far from Onitsha, I told my Oga I wanted to go into Onitsha to visit someone. When I went back to the hood, I heard the good news and bad news.

    He came back. What happened was that, when he entered that Hummer, he said he didn’t remember anything that happened. But when he finally escaped from where they were keeping them–he escaped with someone–he found out that they were in Shagamu.

    The bad news is that, they say when he came back, he moved out of the area not too long after. Nobody knows where he went.

    I’ve never seen him since that December 21st, 2007.

    The end.

    Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.

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