Who else didn’t know Nigeria had actual spelling bee competitions? Well, while falling down the YouTube rabbit hole, I found out we have a bunch of them. So, I decided to make a quiz out of 15 words some of the kids were asked to spell. How do you think you’ll do?
Let us see:
Childhood was the ghetto because we believed so many ridiculous things. Here are some of the unforgivable things I believed as a child.
Laugh at your own peril:
Satan can’t do fit-fam in peace without blasphemy.
Crying from my 5’6 palace of gold. What matters the most is how I perceive myself sha. My personality is at least 6’5.
Alexa, play olodo rabata.
*Instablog 9ja left the chat*
*Sips* tell *sips* me *sips* more.
huhuhuhu.
Well, bring my mask and a gun.
Who off light? Why can’t I read this post?
I did this and Mr Idowu still gave me twenty strokes that day. Tell me why I didn’t faint.
Alkaline tears.
What food myths did you believe growing up? Share in the comments section.
Oh, by the way, you should totally read this next: 7 Funny Souvenirs From Nigerian Weddings That Actually…Exist?
I think the quote “money answereth all things” should come with a caveat that says it is Geo specific. For example, money can answer like only 30 things on your list in Nigeria while in Canada, it can answer 60. That way, our disappointment with many things will be reduced.
As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, good luck with money answering some of the things on this list:
Good luck with that.
Rainy season left the chat.
Jesus: One of you will betray me today.
Tailor: Is it me Jesus?
Jesus: iS iT mE jEsUs? Yen yen.
I tried to type this without crying. Did it work?
If I speak about one bank like this, I will be in big trouble.
Lmaoooooooooooo.
This is an oxymoron.
God, please.
I don suffer.
Over the weekend, I asked my female friends who live alone the most difficult part for them.
Here’s what they had to say:
“I have the compulsive feeling that I am being watched. And I live in a three-storey building. So, when I am doing anything, I feel like someone is watching me. It’s worse when I want to have my bath. I don’t expect it to be a woman watching me, always a man.”
“I am scared of being naked in my house even when it’s hot. My biggest fear is that someone will come in and invade my privacy. Like an armed robber will come in, rape me and kill me. At least if I wear clothes, I can reduce those chances.”
“I have to wear a ring anytime I invite an artisan to my house. So that at least, he thinks there is a man in the house and I am not vulnerable.”
“I have one of my male friends who comes to sleepover at intervals and poses as my husband. This is to deter male neighbours from trying nonsense or having any ideas. So, I always tell them that even though my “husband” travels a lot, he can come back anytime. This has been effective so far.”
“My brother’s name is on the invoice of the house rent that I pay with my money. He’s also my husband since we have similar surname. I had to do this because someone said the landlord uses his spare key to “check” up on female tenants that live alone. Me I don’t like trouble for my life so my brother has become my “husband” on paper.”
Take a break from this cruel world and get lost below:
We all have random information just sitting inside our heads, some more than others. So, we created this quiz to see just how much random knowledge about Nigerian music, film, literature, politics and geography you know.
Take to find out:
Marriage is bat shit scary. What? Why are you all looking at me funny? I just said out loud what we all secretly think about. He who is without “how tf will I marry someone” should be the first to cast a stone.
Yh, I didn’t think so.
Anyway, seeing as young people generally feel the same way about the institution that is marriage, I asked them about the hill they are willing to die on concerning marriage. Some of the answers were interesting…
Here are some of the responses:
“See, many people are not fit to live with another person or raise kids. They know and have accepted this. I just wish other people would be self-aware enough to stop allowing society pressure them into something they don’t like or will ever be ready for.”
“If your husband does not spend a lot of money making the wedding ceremony glamorous, it’s a sign that he is going to be stingy in the marriage. My dear, run.”
“There’s a scene in Ozark where the actor has 24 hours to produce 8 million dollars or be killed by the Mafia. He explains the situation to his wife and they agree to unite as a family to pay off the money. Later that day, his wife empties their joint account and tries to elope with her secret lover.
After watching that scene, the hill I am willing to die on is that you should not share a bank account with your partner. Let each man eat from the sweat of their breast. Imagine someone eloping with my hard-earned money.”
“I see people say that you should date for xx number of years before getting married and I think that’s silly. Some even say that marrying someone you met 6 months ago is too soon.
There is only so much you can simulate in a relationship. Marriage is way different. You only get good at marriage by being married and scaling the hurdles of life. Abi can relationship prepare you for the death of a child or cancer?”
“People say marry your best friend and shit like that and that’s a big lie. Does your best friend live with you all year round? Do they snore? Marry someone you can tolerate on most days and find peace.”
“It’s not compulsory to marry for love. You can get fond of a person with time. But it is compulsory that marriage helps you climb up financially and socially. Check that pali before you marry. So that your children will not swear for you the way I swear for my parents.”
“Miss me with that no sex until marriage yarns. I have to make sure that the person I marry likes all the sexual things I like. I will now marry someone that will be telling me sorry while he’s choking me. I say disrespect me, you are saying sorry. Sorry for yourself.”
“I totally believe in the concept of a soulmate. But, I believe you can have more than one. See, I love everybody and left to me, I will sleep with everybody. They are all my soul mates. I keep telling these women that they are all special to me but they don’t believe. I am just an equal opportunity lover who has so much love to give.”
“Once I finish University and I get a job that pays me at least N150,000 to N200,000, I am going to get married. My parents started with less and didn’t do so badly.
Premarital sex makes me feel guilty so it’s best I make it legal as quickly as possible. My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.”
“No matter who you choose or how well thought how you plan, you will still marry the wrong person. I think everyone should read this article for better context before they think I am some unhappy and miserable person.”
If you enjoyed reading this, you should read 6 Of The Biggest Lies Nigerians Have Told About Money.
Long before we had Burna boy or Mr. Eazi, we had songs with local spice. Even though they didn’t have the greatest lyrics, they made us dance. And some even had moral instructions for us. Part of me wishes we had the adult version of these songs that made childhood a lot more bearable. I keep wondering: What happened to them? Where did they go? Give me a name.
#bringbackthesechildhoodsongs
#weneednewsongs
Do not say YES where you need to say NO. This is the most adult instruction eight year old me didn’t know he needed to hear. Next time someone from work asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I am just going to sing this song to them.
Stay with me here. Paw paw is a kind of fruit, sweet like sugar, yellow like Fanta, everyone loves paw paw. The confidence of these lyrics is how I want to approach adult life. Because it must be crack.
We already know this one failed to do its job because Nigerian parents surely do not listen to their children. And with the age range of our president and politicians, we are definitely not the leaders of tomorrow. But the song made us happy sha.
Ah. Take me back to the time where my biggest worry was “Jesus come and eat, Satan go away.” These days we don’t even bless the food, we just eat it.
The adult version should be “Holiday is coming, holiday is coming, no more 5 am alarms, no more Slack messages, goodbye employer, goodbye capitalism, I am going to spend my jolly one month leave. One month leave.”
When shall I see my home, when shall I see my native fowl? I will never forget my home! – Me singing this song from Canada.
All 36 states in Nigeria have a slogan they are known for (some more popular than others). A few have changed over time, but they exist to represent the spirit of the state. So, we made this quiz to see if you can match slogans to their states.
Go ahead:
BDSM in Nigeria
Feel free to disagree and argue in the comment section if you want but there are many things that are made infinitely worse when you add Nigeria (and Nigerians by proxy) to them. BDSM is not an exception. Here are 5 ways BDSM can go wrong in Nigeria.
1) Asking someone to flog you with a riding crop because you’ve been a bad gyal/buoy but having to frantically beg them to stop amidst tears because they got lost in the fantasy and began taking out their frustrations on you.
“Nkiru, please stop! Why do you keep calling me Mr. Ayoola??! NKIRU HAAAAAAY!!!”
2) Asking someone to choke you lightly because you’re a fan of autoerotic asphyxiation but ending up being laughed at by Saint Peter at heaven’s gate because your partner suddenly remembered the last time you annoyed them and choked you to death.
“SKDJHFJSKAHDJHAJKSDH!” – Whoever is getting choked.
3) Your partner insisting on tying you to the bed to spice things up but as soon as you’re firmly tied up, they bring 3 people in black robes into the room and promptly use you for money ritual.
“Bridget. If you wanted a threesome, you could’ve just said so na. Bridget, what is that machete for? Bridget! BRIDGET!!”
4) Your partner insisting on tying you to the bed to spice things up but as soon as you’re firmly tied up, they proceed to die of a heart attack or something, leaving you to slowly die of hunger and thirst.
Is this an allegory for how stressed out Nigerians are all the time? I can tell that you’re not sure. How? Because I am also not sure.
5) Asking someone to talk dirty to you only for everything to end in tears because they took it too far.
“Baby, I’m so sorry I said you don’t have sense and that was why you were never able to graduate university. Please stop crying.”
Click here to read about how to give your partner the best sexual experience of their lives.
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Two of the greatest things from my teenage years are watching a shit tonne of anime like One Piece, Bleach, Naruto. And listening to an unhealthy amount of Nigerian music. Not the cool ones. I am talking about “I am hotter than fire“, Hapuya like that and to cap it off, the legendary Pasa Pasa by MP. Songs like that.
Intermission: This in no way reflects the true parenting skills of my Nigerian parents who tried their absolute best. I just could not resist that Nigerian sound.
As an adult, these two things still remain dear to me and that’s why I made this list imagining Nigerian musicians as characters from one my best Animes of all time; Naruto.
Let’s start:
The basis for this one is that they are both eccentric rappers.
Powerful men who can be unpredictable. At least, Old Gaara.
You don’t mess with the boss. Periodt.
“Hard work does not kill, what kills is laziness.” – My English teacher.
Quiet genius. If you know, you know.
Young prodigies who don’t really send anybody.
Lazy but talented bastards who cannot come and kill themselves.
Peaceful, easy-going. If you don’t want trouble, just don’t come for family or loved ones.
Older and mostly cool adult who gives you valuable advice and life hacks. Also buys you food.
New generation bad ass. 🙌
