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  • So if you’re looking to get into BDSM but can’t afford the proper equipment because they’re super expensive (or can afford them but don’t want to order because you don’t want a delivery man giving you side-eye), here 6 household items you can use to substitute for BDSM equipment.

    1) Using pankere/koboko in place of a riding crop:

    Do you get pleasure from being flogged? Why don’t you ditch the riding crop and settle on a pankere or a koboko (a.k.a the hydra)? Examples of other things you can use are turning stick for eba, pestle, spatula etc.

    2) Using a belt to choke yourself.

    Asphyxiation and the Addiction Connection

    Are you into autoerotic asphyxiation (i.e. choking yourself so your orgasms can feel better)? Then let your belt do the work so both your hands are free to furiously beat your meat.

    3) Groundnut oil in place of lube.

    Need to shove comically large objects up cavities comically large objects shouldn’t be shoved up? Need lube to ease the process but don’t have any? Then mosey on down to the kitchen and get some ororo. It’s slippery and should get the job done.

    4) Using clothes pegs in place of nipple clamps.

    Granted, one is made of metal and the other is made of plastic. But they pretty much do the same thing.

    5) Using a deodorant can as a dildo.

    Image
    Image

    Enough said.

    6) Those ropes people use to dry laundry in place of handcuffs.

    Yes, your wrists are gonna chafe harder than the thighs of a fat person wearing khakis in hot weather, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • Due to all the lies we were sold by our Nigerian parents, a lot of us grew up with serious trust issues. Here are 15 of the worst ones that shaped the way we behave today.

    1. Hearing “Beans will make you tall,” but you’re still the size of bedside fridge.

    Chai! All that beans I ate.

    2. When your father told you to go and wear your shoes, but then drove off.

    The pain is still fresh.

    3. When you asked your parents for a Game Boy and they got you:

    ARE THEY THE SAME?

    4. The Barney and Father Christmas your school brought for the end-of-the-year party:

    Who are these ones?

    5. When you finally came first and reminded your father that he promised to buy you something.

    Ah! Is it like that?

    6. When you ask your mother for all the money she has been “helping” you save.

    “Have you not been eating in my house?”

    7. When your mother told you that your agemates will be at the Owambe, but you only see adults.

    The worst.

    8. You, the first time you saw someone put stew on their jollof rice:

    What is doing you?

    9. Whenever you opened that icecream container you saw in the freezer.

    THE DISAPPOINTMENT!

    10. When your mother that beat you for lying told you to lie that she is not around.

    Oh? It’s like that?

    11. Whenever you opened the Danish cookies container in your mother’s room.

    THE BETRAYAL!

    12. When that shirt your mother swore you’d “grow into” is still not your size 10 years later.

    See why I don’t trust people.

    13. When your father just zooms past Mr. Biggs on the way from church.

    If we don’t eat meatpie on Sunday, when will we ehn?

    14. When your mother that said “let’s be going” an hour ago is still gisting.

    Can we go oh?

    15. When your mother that said “tell the truth, I won’t beat you” says “go and bring the cane.”

    Na me mess up sha.

  • How Nigerian are you really? Answer the simple questions in this ‘citizenship test’ as honestly as possible, and we’ll let you know. Don’t worry, this is as accurate as it gets.

    Go ahead:

    11 Of The Most Popular Zikoko Quizzes Of All Time

    Here are the best performing Zikoko quizzes ever. Take them.

  • 1. Being born into the PHCN struggle:

    God, why not the abroad na?

    2. Your generator’s best friend:

    Except when there is fuel scarcity sha.

    3. When you are about to put on your gen for the night and they bring light.

    See what God can do.

    4. You, checking that house everyone uses to know if they have brought light.

    Their own gen is never on.

    5. When they bring light and none of your neighbours come to tell you.

    Is it like that you used to do?

    6. When NEPA shows its true colours.

    I knew it was too good to be true

    7. You, sitting in the dark and waiting for them to bring the light back:

    I’m sha not risking it again.

    8. When they bring light and nobody in your house wants to go and change over.

    It’s not me sha

    9. You, when your generator dies in the middle of the night.

    Who is doing me from the village?

    10. When your generator dies but your neighbour’s own is still on.

    It will now be sounding louder than normal.

    11. When you put on the small gen but you forgot to turn off the AC.

    The struggle.

    12. How you look at your generator when the rope cuts:

    Hay God!

    13. When you realize your phone wasn’t charging and it’s time to put off the gen.

    Kuku kill me.

  • Was it even an old Nollywood movie if it wasn’t trying to teach you something by force? Well, for those of us who grew up in that era, you should recognise these 13 ‘life lessons’ they always found a way to sneak into any and every movie.

    1. Any woman you hire is plotting to steal your husband.

    So, you better have juju you will use to fight her.

    2. Anyone looking at you like this is planning to use you for blood money.

    JUST RUN!

    3. When you come back from America, you must wear cap and end every sentence with “…men”.

    How else will people know you have entered plane?

    4. When one doctor can’t diagnose you, the next step is obviously a babalawo.

    No need for a second opinion.

    5. When your stepmother offers you food, it’s because she has poisoned it.

    Be watchful.

    6. Your mother-in-law is the reason you’re still not pregnant 3 months after getting married.

    She has tied your womb inside her calabash.

    7. This is the only pregnancy test you need:

    What is malaria? You are already iya ibeji.

    8. Your wife is sleeping with the gateman that is sleeping with the housegirl that you are sleeping with.

    Ojoro cancel.

    9. When anything you don’t like happens, it is surely the devil’s handwork.

    The devil will just be on his own and Nollywood will be disturbing him.

    10. Your romance has not started until you chase each other on the beach.

    If there is no beach around you, travel and find one.

    11. When you finish confessing your evil deeds, you either die or run mad.

    So, just keep that confession to yourself.

    12. When a cat passes the front of your house your village people have finally found you.

    Better start kabashing.

    13. Any girl that just came from America is an ashewo; the village ones are the only good ones.

    Go and wife them immediately.

  • We already told you all you need to know to be the ‘perfect’ Nigerian wife, now we want to tell you how to be the ‘perfect’ female co-worker in Nigeria. Here’s how to make all the misogynists in your office happy:

    1. Make hot tea for everybody the moment you get to work.

    What else do you think you are there for?

    2. You must greet all the men in the office before you sit down.

    Go into their offices and kneel down. They don’t have to greet you back though.

    3. Regardless of what they hired you to do, you are now the office secretary.

    Take all the messages for your colleagues. They shouldn’t even have to ask you.

    4. Make sure your car is not bigger than that of any of your male colleagues.

    You don’t want to intimidate them at all.

    5. If you’re not a “Mrs”, keep your opinions to yourself.

    You’re single? Why are you now talking?

    6. When your male colleague cracks a sexist joke, laugh the loudest.

    The misogyny should not pain you.

    7. If your colleague makes a mistake, keep quiet. He probably has your type at home.

    Why are you correcting a man? Will you keep kwayet.

    8. Don’t order lunch with your colleagues because you should have cooked from home.

    You’re even supposed to cook for the whole office.

    9. If your colleagues start giving you unsolicited advice, take it with a smile.

    Marriage advice? Hair advice? Dress advice? Just smile and listen.

    10. Make sure your heels are not higher than anyone else’s in the office.

    You’re not there for fashion show. The uglier the better.

    11. If you’re not married, don’t leave work early. Where do you know you’re going?

    Who are you going home to see? Sit down there jor.

    12. Make sure all the men have finished talking during a meeting before you add your mouth.

    If not, just wait patiently.

    13. When your colleague is sexually inappropriate with you, say “sorry” for tempting them.

    Your skirt must have been too tight. Don’t do it again.

    14. Remember that as long as you’re a spinster, your colleagues can call you a “girl”.

    If you want to officially be a “woman” go and marry oh.

    15. If your male colleague repeats exactly what you just said and gets all the credit, don’t complain.

    It’s your fault for not being a man.

  • Will your future spouse be Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa? Well, we know the answer. Also, if you’re already dating someone and the person isn’t from the tribe you get, it’s time to end that relationship. You know Zikoko is always right.

    Go ahead:


  • Here’s a simple guide on how to be the kind of wife Nigerian men seem to want. From never questioning him, to allowing him to cheat as much as he wants, these impossible tips will work for you.

    1. Thank him every day for ‘saving’ you from the clutches of spinsterhood.

    You know marriage is EVERY woman’s goal.

    2. Marry as a virgin, but be a freak in the sheets on your wedding night.

    Just instinctively know how to do everything in the bedroom.

    3. Remember to never ask questions, challenge him or disagree.

    He is always right. Just leave it.

    4. Lose that pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table.

    Back to a size 8 immediately.

    5. Never fall sick, complain or get tired.

    Basically be superwoman.

    6. Have a washing machine, but still lovingly handwash his underwear.

    That’s true love right there.

    7. Always wake up before him, so you can do “one or two things” around the house.

    Why should your husband wake up before you?

    8. Get a well-paying job, but make sure you never earn more than him.

    If they offer you a pay raise, turn it down.

    9. Make sure that job doesn’t stop you from taking the kids to school, picking them, and helping with their homework.

    So, basically a 10 – 2 job. Don’t ask questions, just find it.

    10. Never cheat on your husband, but forgive him if he ever ‘accidentally’ cheats on you.

    You know men will be men.

    11. Also remember to apologize when he cheats, because it was most likely your fault.

    If you were being the perfect wife he wouldn’t have fallen inside another woman. Oya say sorry.

    12. Figure out how to always have a hot meal waiting on the table before you get home.

    Just figure it out.

    13. Throw away that microwave, the food must always be freshly made.

    What are you warming?

    14. Remember to always praise your husband whenever he does anything around the house.

    Remember it’s your work, he is just helping.

    15. Look like a supermodel while doing house chores.

    Don’t ever tie a wrapper in front of him.  Do everything in heels.

    16. But never be indecently dressed in public or else:

    You know the drill.

  • 1. When you leave small food in the pot so you don’t have to wash it.

    No time, abeg.

    2. When your mum shouts at you for not doing the dishes, and you go to the sink and see:

    Are you kidding me?

    3. When your mother uses all the pots in the kitchen to cook one meal.

    It’s because you’re not the one washing, abi?

    4. Your parents, when you go to sleep with dishes still in the sink:

    You people should chill small na.

    5. When you’re already standing by the sink with a sponge and your mum says, “Remember to wash those plates.”

    Do you think I want to eat the sponge?

    6. When you’re doing the dishes and your mother starts complaining that you’re wasting water.

    Should I use my saliva?

    7. The STRUGGLE of washing stew out of this:

    The absolute worst.

    8. You, after washing plates with dried eba stains on them:

    The struggle is too real.

    9. How the sink looks when you’re not around:

    Be waiting for me oh!

    10. When your parents make you do the dishes at someone else’s house.

    So, I’m now house-help for rent?

    11. When you tell your mother that dish-washing liquid has finished and she just pours water inside.

    If you can wash well with diluted morning fresh, you can do anything.

    12. When you break a plate while doing the dishes.

    It’s all over.

    13. When you’re almost done and someone drops another plate in the sink.

    Are you not wicked?

    14. When your mother is doing the dishes and you try to add your own.

    Sorry ma.

    15. You, acting like you didn’t see that dirty pot on the cooker:

    I’ve tried, abeg.

    16. Mother: “Why didn’t you wash the pot?”

    The ultimate excuse.

    17. When you finish and your mother complains that you didn’t dry the sink well.

    Hay God!

  • 1) Your account being debited but the ATM not bringing out any money.

    This is much worse when the money taken was your last card. Now you’ll have to enter the banking hall and start shouting for them.

    2) The ATM swallowing your card.

    Just forget it and go apply for a new one.

    3) The ATM taking longer than usual to work and people behind you start getting impatient because they think the real reason is that you don’t know how to use the machine.

    “They’ll soon start calling me ‘olodo.’ Hay God.”

    4) Waiting in line for so long only for some random person to show up and say, “I’m in front of you. I’ve been sitting down there.”

    “Why are you like this?”

    5) Waiting in line for so long only for the money to finish when it gets to your turn.

    Then you have to resist the urge to start fighting the person who withdrew before you.

    6) The ATM going offline with your card still in it.

    How…Wh…WHAT DO I DO NOW?!

    7) Attempting to press the buttons only for the ATM to shock the shit out of you.

    Then you turn to the people behind you with a look on your face that says, “DID YOU SEE THAT?!”

    8) The ATM giving you money so old and dirty, it looks like someone used it to wipe their ass after a case of explosive diarrhea.

    “I deserve better than this sha oh.”

    9) The ATM giving you your card WITHOUT the chip.

    Oh, yeah. That happens.

    10) The ATM giving you incomplete money.

    “Wtf is this shit??”

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!