Nigeria | Page 123 of 223

1. The Nigerian tailor motto:

They will sha use you and practice.

2. This apt description:

Is it a lie?

3. When you show them one thing but they see something completely different.

Hay God!

4. When you trust a Nigerian tailor.

I pity you.

5. How to speak ‘Nigerian tailor’:

Add it to your vocabulary.

6. Every Nigerian tailor’s worst nightmare:

You go call tire.

7. When your tailor knows they will still do what they want.

You’ll manage it like that.

8. When they are ‘busy’ doing nothing:

We need answers.

9. The pre-excuse face:

Brace yourself for the lies.

10. The official Nigerian tailor excuses:

ALL. OF. THEM.

11. When you finally know their lies.

I resemble ode, abi?

12. What would happen if superheroes had to work with them:

E pele Batman.

13. When they are the reason you’re still single.

See my life.
For anyone who attended primary school in Nigeria, ‘Macmillan Primary English Course’ books were everything at the time. Now, we want to see if those memorable stories (and characters) stayed in your brain at all.

Give it a shot:
If like me, you had these misconceptions about what it means to be Lawyer, I welcome you. I gathered a couple of lawyers to help clarify what it means to be a Lawyer.

Here’s what they had to say:

1) “People think that being a lawyer is about going to court. Quite similar to what they watch on legal dramas like Suits or even in Nollywood movies. Practicing as a lawyer is more than that – there are many fields under law, and litigation (which involves court) is just one of them. You can practice as a lawyer and never appear in court, at least I haven’t. I don’t plan on ever doing.”

2) “People think that if you argue a lot, you will make a good lawyer. ‘Lawyering’ is more than being able to argue. In fact, the important thing is not being able to argue but being able to put your point across in a concise and intelligent manner. More importantly, lawyers should be analytical.

For example, they should be able to provide solutions when faced with issues clients might have, or pick out pertinent points from various sources. A bit of common sense will help too.”

3) “People might feel that consulting a lawyer is expensive. But, if shit goes wrong, you’d wish you had a lawyer to advise you in the first place because now you’d have to spend more money + time you’d have saved. Even things that are seemingly simple such as agreements or getting licenses for your business may prove difficult because you refuse to engage lawyers.

You can’t compare the experience a lawyer has in drafting/reviewing various agreements to your lack of experience in contract drafting (even though you have a template and it looks good to you).

It’s more than that. Every clause has a meaning, every line is important and should be tailored to your specific case but you can’t know that without someone who has experience in these things advising you. I’ve had people come to my law firm countless times because they sought to acquire licenses for their businesses but got stuck. Yes, we got them out of the quagmire but they spent more money + time than they bargained for.”

4) “Litigation isn’t exactly as it appears in movies/series. LMAO, it’s a scam. It isn’t anything like that and it’s much worse I would say. First, no one shouts “objection, my lord”. Cases take forever to conclude and it’s boring as hell. I’m not about that life.”

5) “I wonder why people think lawyers are well paid. Basically, you could have good grades and still work for 30k per month because jobs are few. You’d see lawyers going into other professions like tech, banking, consulting, entertainment, or entrepreneurship.”

6) “People think that lawyers are liars(the most apparent I guess). It’s ridiculous.”

7) “We don’t all like being called Barrister. At least all the ones I know of. It’s crude.”

8) “We smile when people crack all those ‘let me commit crime jokes’ to keep the peace. Deep down, we don’t find it funny.”

You should read this next: A Week In The Life: Jumia Delivery Agent By Day, Family Man By Night
Finding love as an adult in Nigeria is no easy feat, so it comes as no surprise that these absolutely insane posters are the only things that feel adequate enough to capture the struggle.

1. When all your friends are in relationships, but you’re still single to stupor.

2. When you see someone finer than you flirting with your crush.

3. When your crush looks different in pictures than they do in real life.

4. When your friends see you trying to get back with your ex.

5. You, when you haven’t had sex in forever:

6. When you start falling for a Yoruba demon.

7. When your friend breaks up with their glucose guardian and you step in.

8. When your ex sends an “I miss you” text.

9. When that annoying man in church comes up to you like:

10. When your friend bad mouths the person you like and then goes and marries them.

11. When your babe traps your destiny with her cooking.

12. When your side piece is waiting for your main bae to mess up.

13. When you’ve been dating for years and still no ring.

14. You, after finding someone who isn’t completely terrible:

15. Your parents, when you finally get engaged:
Nigeria has many beautiful landmarks that are underappreciated. Even if you recognize them, do you remember what state they are in?

If you get more than 5/13 in this quiz, you deserve accolades.

Give it a try:
What is ‘Resting Bitch Face’?

Here are 13 things you’ll get if you have this syndrome:

1. When all your extreme emotions look identical:

The struggle.

2. When people think you’re a bad belle because this is how you listen to good news:

I’m actually happy for you.

3. You, whenever people ask “What’s wrong?” or “Are you ok?”

IT’S JUST MY FACE.

4. How people avoid you because they think you are vexing:

Hay God!

5. When people say they thought you were a snob before talking to you.

EVERYTIME!

6. You, wondering if you’ve missed the love of your life because they were too scared to talk to you.

God forbid!

7. When you can’t walk three steps without one stranger asking, “Why you dey squeeze face?”

What is there to smile about? Did you dash me money?

8. What you look like when you actually make an effort to smile.

A for effort, biko.

9. When people stop giving you gist halfway because they think you’re uninterested.

Hian! Should I be shining teeth on top amebo?

10. When you talk and people just assume you’re being sarcastic.

Ugh! Stress.

11. When even your mother always thinks you’re being rude.

See me see trouble.

12. How people react when they find out you’re actually nice:

I don’t blame you.

13. How you feel when you finally find a kindred spirit:

Let us frown together.
Granted, a lot of us were super impressionable at the time — peer pressure was no respecter of person — but I still don’t understand how Nigerian men collectively let these atrocious looks fly?

1. Those infamous spinning dollar belt buckles:

You had to spin it before entering a room.

2. Those painfully tacky LED belts:

It was the ultimate swag that time sha.

3. Studded belts. *Holds in vomit*

Dark times.

4. That time there were more Ama Kip Kip shirts in Nigeria than actual Nigerians.

Kai! They were EVERYWHERE.

5. See ehn, if you ever owned this shirt, only God can adequately judge you.

Tueh!

6. Remember when everyone was wearing Ed Hardy?

Still gives me nightmares.

7. Those G Unit singlets that Ice Prince never let rest.

Did he have a contract with them, abi what?

8. Satan clearly invented harem pants. You can’t tell me otherwise.

They were just the ugliest things.

9. Let’s not even talk about carrot jeans.

No words.

10. SUPRA, you will not be missed.

Reminds us of those extra-skinny jeans days.

11. These scarves paired with ridiculously tight white shirts.

I’m shaking just remembering it.

12. NOPE! NAH! JUST NO!

Bandanas, BYE!

13. Kanye has committed many sins, but this one is still top 3.

The struggle.

14. All those N200 Jesus pieces where the ‘Jesus’ will be looking like Ayuba.

They did not try.

15. Nigerian babes would ALWAYS find a way to obtain your shambala.

In retrospect, they were probably doing you a favour.
If you could play the role of God for one day, what would you do? Especially as a Nigerian citizen. What are some of the things you’d change?

Not to be obvious, but I’ll immediately ban Ikokore.

First point of duty. I’m sorry, Grandma.

Then revive all the dead Nigerian politicians and jail them.

Alongside the living ones.

I’ll also give my people Canadian prosperity with Nigerian enjoyment.

We no longer have to go to -10 degrees weather to escape bad governance.

Then I’ll abolish 9-5’s.

Oyar, everybody back into the garden. Osiso!

Maybe also print a shirt that says “look at God.”

Heh.

After that, I’ll fix the Nepa situation so I can iron my ‘look at God’ shirt.

Almost 60 years ffs.

Don’t cry, don’t beg, but Lagos has to go.

My children shouldn’t have to suffer like this.

I’ll smite everyone who sends Whatsapp Bc’s or has ever sent one.

Especially the Coronavirus conspiracy theorists.

I’ll make a quick trip to 1914.

‘Lugard my child, that’s a bad idea.’

For the grand finale, I’ll delete posts like this one from the internet.

I yield my time!
I know that it differs from tribe to tribe but it’s time we all come together as a nation, hold hands, and address the insanity of Nigerian funeral traditions. Now, I’m not referring to burial traditions super-specific to certain tribes (e.g. shaving a widow’s head and making her drink the water used to wash her husband’s corpse), I’m referring to the traditions that almost all tribes have in common.

Traditions like:

1) The Pallbearers dancing during the procession with the casket on their shoulders.

What is happening here??

The absurdity of this never occurred to me until the dancing Ghanaian pallbearers became a meme in early 2020. What is the point of this? It wouldn’t be an issue if they just swaying gently from side to side. Their dance routines are always SUPER elaborate with twists, turns, twerking, leg flips etc. All this with an occupied coffin on their shoulders. What happens if one misses a step and the coffin falls, causing the body to roll out like a giant rag doll? What happens then? Are we supposed to laugh or scream?

2) What’s the point of throwing a big ass party?

People say a party like this is called a ‘Celebration of Life’ and only happens when the deceased lived a long life. I still don’t get it because even if the person served Methuselah realness before they croaked, it’s still a sad occasion because someone died. Including a live band, dancers, matching outfits, branded merchandise, and a shit ton of alcohol is exactly why most Nigerian funerals go from “We’re celebrating the life and times of our loved one who died” to “WE’RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!!!”.

3) What’s the point of going to a church to do thanksgiving on the one year anniversary of a person’s death?

What exactly are we being thankful for? That the person remained dead? That they didn’t break out of their grave and return as a zombie? Is that a fear people have? Why is that a fear people have? Are people out here burying their dead in the cemetery from Pet Sematery? Am I missing something?

Pssst! Peep the recent episode of Zikoko’s Isolation Diary in which this topic is addressed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CBOLOMjHhCX/

Nigerian funeral traditions
Very few games brought Nigerians together (and inadvertently tore them apart) as much as WHOT — the card game that saw best friends betraying each other for the chance to shout “CHECK UP” first.

Here are 13 things you’ll get if you were ever obsessed with it:

1. When the person shuffling the cards thinks they are in a Vegas casino.

Baba hurry up, abeg.

2. The joy of picking up your cards and seeing:

YES LORD!

3. How you feel when you give everybody general market:

Go and pick jor.

4. When you drop that pick 2 like a boss and chop pick 4 back.

Ouch!

5. You, when your best friend hits you with pick 3:

Are we not friends again?

6. You, trying to remember which card is “hold on” and which one is “suspension”.

1 abi 8? Till today, it still confuses me.

7. When someone spoils your “I need…”

What the hell?

8. When you play the wrong card and they pack general market and give you.

Is it fair?

9. How you look at people that say “demi-semi-last card”:

Sharrap!

10. Your face, whenever someone plays star:

Nobody ever has that card, abeg.

11. How everyone looks at you when you say “last card”:

All the pick 2s’ and pick 3s’ will start appearing. Evil people.

12. How you feel the moment you say “check up”.

Turn up!

13. When you check up first and you’re waiting for everyone else to finish.

You people should do and finish.

1. The Nigerian tailor motto:

2. This apt description:

3. When you show them one thing but they see something completely different.

4. When you trust a Nigerian tailor.

5. How to speak ‘Nigerian tailor’:

6. Every Nigerian tailor’s worst nightmare:

7. When your tailor knows they will still do what they want.

8. When they are ‘busy’ doing nothing:

9. The pre-excuse face:

10. The official Nigerian tailor excuses:

11. When you finally know their lies.

12. What would happen if superheroes had to work with them:

13. When they are the reason you’re still single.

1. When all your friends are in relationships, but you’re still single to stupor.

2. When you see someone finer than you flirting with your crush.

3. When your crush looks different in pictures than they do in real life.

4. When your friends see you trying to get back with your ex.

5. You, when you haven’t had sex in forever:

6. When you start falling for a Yoruba demon.

7. When your friend breaks up with their glucose guardian and you step in.

8. When your ex sends an “I miss you” text.

9. When that annoying man in church comes up to you like:

10. When your friend bad mouths the person you like and then goes and marries them.

11. When your babe traps your destiny with her cooking.

12. When your side piece is waiting for your main bae to mess up.

13. When you’ve been dating for years and still no ring.

14. You, after finding someone who isn’t completely terrible:

15. Your parents, when you finally get engaged:

What is ‘Resting Bitch Face’?

1. When all your extreme emotions look identical:

2. When people think you’re a bad belle because this is how you listen to good news:

3. You, whenever people ask “What’s wrong?” or “Are you ok?”

4. How people avoid you because they think you are vexing:

5. When people say they thought you were a snob before talking to you.

6. You, wondering if you’ve missed the love of your life because they were too scared to talk to you.

7. When you can’t walk three steps without one stranger asking, “Why you dey squeeze face?”

8. What you look like when you actually make an effort to smile.

9. When people stop giving you gist halfway because they think you’re uninterested.

10. When you talk and people just assume you’re being sarcastic.

11. When even your mother always thinks you’re being rude.

12. How people react when they find out you’re actually nice:

13. How you feel when you finally find a kindred spirit:

1. Those infamous spinning dollar belt buckles:

2. Those painfully tacky LED belts:

3. Studded belts. *Holds in vomit*

4. That time there were more Ama Kip Kip shirts in Nigeria than actual Nigerians.

5. See ehn, if you ever owned this shirt, only God can adequately judge you.

6. Remember when everyone was wearing Ed Hardy?

7. Those G Unit singlets that Ice Prince never let rest.

8. Satan clearly invented harem pants. You can’t tell me otherwise.

9. Let’s not even talk about carrot jeans.

10. SUPRA, you will not be missed.

11. These scarves paired with ridiculously tight white shirts.

12. NOPE! NAH! JUST NO!

13. Kanye has committed many sins, but this one is still top 3.

14. All those N200 Jesus pieces where the ‘Jesus’ will be looking like Ayuba.

15. Nigerian babes would ALWAYS find a way to obtain your shambala.

Not to be obvious, but I’ll immediately ban Ikokore.

Then revive all the dead Nigerian politicians and jail them.

I’ll also give my people Canadian prosperity with Nigerian enjoyment.

Then I’ll abolish 9-5’s.

Maybe also print a shirt that says “look at God.”

After that, I’ll fix the Nepa situation so I can iron my ‘look at God’ shirt.

Don’t cry, don’t beg, but Lagos has to go.

I’ll smite everyone who sends Whatsapp Bc’s or has ever sent one.

I’ll make a quick trip to 1914.

For the grand finale, I’ll delete posts like this one from the internet.

1. When the person shuffling the cards thinks they are in a Vegas casino.

2. The joy of picking up your cards and seeing:

3. How you feel when you give everybody general market:

4. When you drop that pick 2 like a boss and chop pick 4 back.

5. You, when your best friend hits you with pick 3:

6. You, trying to remember which card is “hold on” and which one is “suspension”.

7. When someone spoils your “I need…”

8. When you play the wrong card and they pack general market and give you.

9. How you look at people that say “demi-semi-last card”:

10. Your face, whenever someone plays star:

11. How everyone looks at you when you say “last card”:

12. How you feel the moment you say “check up”.

13. When you check up first and you’re waiting for everyone else to finish.

3. Studded belts. Holds in vomit