Nigeria | Page 122 of 223

I once read a novel named ‘Gbomo Gbomo’. It told the story of a little girl who is kidnapped by ritualists and manages to escape. The novel’s last chapter talked about how arresting that particular group didn’t do much to stop the menace of kidnapping. The last line of the book went: “How else do you explain the case of the missing breasts and penis?”

I was 8 years old. And I was scarred for life.

Growing up in Nigeria in the 90s, you definitely heard stories of people having their penises stolen. I was scared shitless at the time. But I’m an adult now and I’ve realized that a lot of things about those stories didn’t add up. Things like:

1) How does one steal a penis?

Magic? A knife? A magic knife? Do you have to grab the person’s crotch (à la Michael Jackson) or just touch them? If so, I’m never walking through Ikeja underbridge again.

2) Why would one steal a penis?

Look, I get why one would steal a penis. This question is directed at the whole ritual industry. Why do some rituals require whole humans and others require only genitalia?

3) When a person’s penis has been stolen, what does their naked crotch look like?

Does it leave a gaping hole or smooth skin?

4) How would the person’s body function after that?

Does the magic rewire their body so they start peeing out of their mouths? If the person has a wet dream, do they wake up to find semen at the side of their lips?

5) Is it more of a spiritual thing where the person loses their ability to summon erections?

Hay God.

6) If the previous point is true, then how would a person confirm that they’ve gotten their erection-summoning abilities back after the thief claims to have returned it?

Do they have to jerk off in front of everyone under Ikeja bridge as proof?

7) AM I THE ONLY ONE CURIOUS ABOUT THESE THINGS?!

AM I ?????!!!

Watch this week’s episode of Isolation Diary where @grandpabbychuck talks about this same issue.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1277957570691383308?s=20

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1) Be prepared to act as a third parent/unpaid baby sitter without the parental authority or perks.

Cooking, changing diapers, watching your siblings when your parents go off to do fun stuff, etc are your responsibilities.

2) When watching your siblings, make sure they never get in trouble.

Even if there are 5 of them and they’re all running around with the energy of the Tasmanian Devil on Crystal meth.

3) When your siblings inevitably get in trouble, take the blame.

If they accidentally murder someone, better learn to not drop the soap because YOU are going to prison.

4) Be fine with your parents giving your stuff to your siblings (usually without your permission).

Not all hand-me-downs were consensual.

5) Be fine with your parents treating your siblings way better than they treated you.

For example, if your parents hardly ever let you go out when you were little, your siblings’ curfew will be 1 AM…and 12 AM on school nights.

6) Go to university and study a course that your parents can brag with.

“RESPECT ME!”

7) Come back from the university after 4 years with a degree and a romantic partner who’s already in their first trimester.

Or with a kid already. Because your parents want grandchildren and time is of the essence.

8) Get a well-paying job immediately after graduation so you can send money home whenever they want.

Arthritis in your old age is gonna be major due to you carrying your entire family’s finances on your back.

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Everyone who attended secondary school in Nigeria probably has a bunch of great memories, but we are sure there are some terrible ones too. Here are 16 sentences that will remind you of how annoying secondary school could be sometimes.

1. “ALL STAND GREET!”

The pain you felt whenever that annoying teacher entered the class.

2. “What was the last thing I said?”

Why did they love stressing us?

3. “Everyone tear out a sheet of paper.”

You knew failure was around the corner.

4. “You have just 10 minutes more.”

You never understood how the time always flew by.

5. “PENS UP!”

The worst.

6. “Results are out.”

This sentence always put the fear of God in you.

7. “I’ll be calling out your scores.”

The whole class got to see your shame.

8. “All of you kneel down there.”

Getting dragged into group punishments that didn’t concern you.

9. “Everybody move out for prep.”

Why did this even exist?

10. “The principal is calling you.”

The scariest thing you could ever hear.

11. “LAST JUNIOR!”

The most triggering of all.

12. “When is your next free period?”

That teacher that always wanted to steal your free period.

13. “Just give me 5 minutes out of your break time.”

You now had to watch everyone else play outside.

14. “Come and collect it at the end of the term.”

What you heard whenever your contraband got seized.

15. “Everyone bring out your notes.”

You knew you were about to get flogged for an incomplete note.

16. “Go and wait for me in my staff room.”

That moment you got sent to the land of no return.
If you loved (or still love) playing Ludo, then you’ll understand the rush of playing a double six, sending someone’s seed back home and beating all your friends with a mix of strategy and sheer luck.

1. When someone wants to play ludo with just one die.

Are we joking here?

2. When there are only 2 players so each of you has to handle 2 homes.

STRESS!

3. Your face, when they try to make you play with either yellow or green:

Tueh! Red or blue or nothing, biko.

4. When the game is almost over and you’re still struggling to get your first six.

Am I cursed?

5. The joy that fills your heart when you see this:

YES LORD!

6. How you look at your friend when they land on you and send you back home:

Later you will say we are guys.

7. When the person that shakes and blows the dice the most still doesn’t get double six.

E go pain you die.

8. The pain you feel, when you’re already here and someone lands on you:

WHY ME?

9. How you feel when you get double six twice in a row:

As a boss.

10. You, wondering whether to bring out a new seed or keep moving when you get a six.

The toughest choice.

11. When you’re about to cheat and they catch you.

Oops!

12. When you get to this position and you have to get double one to enter.

The worst.

13. How you feel when your last seed finally enters.

WINNING!
Long before rechargeable lamps and cell phones with inbuilt torch features became the norm, all we had were kerosene lamps.

And they were a fucking nightmare to use.

1) Removing the globe in order to clean it but breaking it by mistake.

And you knew you were officially in for a super saiyan ultimate ass-whooping from your mother.

2) The struggle of refilling it with kerosene but having the kerosene pour everywhere because of the tiny mouth.

Wasting kerosene?? Better start digging your grave.

3) The frustrating task of changing the wick (thread).

*slits throat in frustration*

4) When the wick adjustment knob becomes faulty, stopping you from being able to increase or decrease the flame.

Good luck seeing anything with that low ass flame.

5) Mistakenly burning your hand because you tried to lift it with the handle but the handle had been absorbing heat directly over the lamp for a long time.

“BLOOD OF JESUS!!!” – You, after the lantern gives you a sneak preview of how hot it is in hell.

6) Cleaning the top (ventilation cap) after soot has gathered there for a long time.

No difference between doing this and working in a mine.

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Never lend a Nigerian an amount that would kill you to part with, because no one has ‘Onigbese’ written on their head. So, to help you move on, here are 15 signs that you are never seeing that money again.

1. When you call to ask for your money and they’re like:

Hay God! On top my own money?

2. When they completely stop updating on social media.

If you like delete all your accounts.

3. When they start using God to swear.

Don’t let God punish you.

4. Onigbeses and “I didn’t see your missed call”

Ode, how will you see?

5. When they start acting brand new.

You call them and they’ll be like, “Is there a problem?”

6. When they always find a way to imply that they’re broke when they see you.

Na so.

7. When they ask if they can pay you in installments.

5k now, 3k later, 2k on your death bed.

8. When you message them on WhatsApp and they leave you on:

See my life.

9. When you ask them if they saw your message.

Don’t let me swear for you.

10. When they start telling you about money that will soon enter their account.

I’ve heard you.

11. Whenever they see you in public.

See this one.

12. When they start telling you about their family problems.

Is that what I asked you?

13. When they text you an epistle everytime you remind them about the money.

Is this one mad?

14. When they start reminding you of all the things they’ve done for you in the past.

“Remember that time I bought you Tampico in JSS 2.”

15. When they finally block you everywhere.

Somebody wants to die.
Nollywood has thrown a lot of things our way, from insane storylines to confusing subtitles, and we rarely get any kind of explanation. Here are 16 things in particular that we really need answers to.

1. This Jim Iyke flashback:

I can’t even hate.

2. This insane movie title:

The answer: Rihanna *looks away*.

3. This doctor casually using cooking gas as oxygen:

Well, she is certainly dead.

4. This movie poster with North West:

She is coming for that AMVCA.

5. Kanayo O. Kanayo in JSS 3:

Not weird at all.

6. This babalawo’s jazz:

Later you will tell us Santa Claus isn’t real.

7. The fourth cast member’s name:

Aunty Suzuki!

8. This guy’s pounded yam:

Nigeria, Nollywood, you have to explain this: https://t.co/pD6vdu5Qas
— Wale Lawal (@WalleLawal) October 18, 2014

9. This helicopter:

Haters will say it’s photoshopped.

10. This movie’s synopsis:

Who doesn’t want to know “the surprise”?

11. This ghost on the phone:

Totally legit.

12. This confusing gunshot:

Nollywood Fail 😂😭 https://t.co/57XAsuxTDb
— -Joyyy (@joy__owole) August 20, 2014

13. This not-so-little mermaid:

No words!

14. This “sympathetic” cast:

We simpertize with the producer of this movie.

15. This intense conversation:

I mean, I guess.

16. These cultists:

Why are these ogas wearing Lakers jerseys, please?
Nigerian English is super interesting. The words have different meanings depending on how they are pronounced or the context in which they are used.

How well can you perform in a quiz that tests your Nigerian English vocabulary?

See an example below:

Go ahead and how see you measure up:
Old Nollywood movies all had the same formula for falling in love, and the couples always seemed to live happily ever after. So, here are some tips and tricks that can help you ~~trap~~ meet the love of your life.

1. Find someone significantly poorer than you.

The bigger the wealth gap, the stronger the love.

2. Hit that person with your car.

Not too hard sha, you can’t go and kill your future spouse.

3. Pretend to be poor so they fall in love with the “real you”.

As per rich people are artificial.

4. Go eat jollof rice at Mr. Biggs.

…or any other poorly-lit eatery.

5. Slowly sip juice through straws.

While looking lovingly into each others’ eyes.

6. Run on the beach and ride a horse together.

This is the peak of your romance.

7. Chase each other around the nearest tree.

In slow motion, of course.

8. Push each other on a swing set.

While laughing and smiling at nothing in particular.

9. Throw popcorn at each other.

While Celine Dion plays in the background.

10. Go shopping at a “boutique”.

…and never look at the price.

11. Feed each other icecream.

Then playfully smear a little on their nose.

12. Have someone bitterly scheming to break you up.

Either the secretary or the housegirl.

13. Have your parents irrationally disapprove of the relationship.

The more ridiculous their reasons, the stronger your love.

14. Prayerfully overcome all the haters.

Your love must win.

15. Marry and finally have sex fully-clothed under the covers.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY.
While the rain tends to help with the heat, that’s where the positives seem to end. With rainy season comes flooded road, crappy light and an endless parade of mosquitoes.

Here are 13 things that are too true about this season:

1. When the rain gives PHCN another excuse to take light.

As if they needed any more reasons.

2. You, whenever it rains at night:

The best.

3. When the rain waits until it’s time for you to go out before it starts showing itself.

Na wa oh! Calm down.

4. You, waiting for the clothes you washed to finally dry.

The worst.

5. When you start seeing all the mosquitoes that come with the rain.

I don’t have energy for malaria, abeg.

6. When traffic decides to use the rain to show itself.

Wahala.

7. When Nigerian drivers see a puddle and pedestrians.

Sorry we don’t have car oh!

8. When your internet starts misbehaving because of the rain.

Please, respect yourself.

9. You, crossing the road like:

Jehovah, help me.

10. When the roads start showing their true colours.

What the hell?

11. When you’re on the island and it drizzles small.

This is embarrassing.

12. When you just wanted small rain, but it’s now raining everyday.

It’s enough, biko.

13. Your DSTv signal be like:

No chill.