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On Sunday, Bishop David Oyedepo, the President of Living Faith Church Worldwide, while preaching , kicked against the application of a section of the recently passed into law Companies and Allied Matters Act 2020 (“CAMA”), stating that such a section of the law was due to the jealousy of the government to the growth of churches.

Specifically, the Bishop contends with Section 839 (1) of the Act which declares that the “Commission may by order suspend the trustees of an association and appoint an interim manager or managers the affairs of an association where it reasonably believes that there is or has been any misconduct or mismanagement in the administration of the association”, and for other reasons. Note that churches and religious bodies are included in “an association”.
Essentially, Oyedepo is worried about ‘Trustees’ encroaching into ‘church territory’. But, a media aide to the President, Luaretta Onochie has also replied Oyedepo, stating that he will have to go ahead to “manufacture his own country” if he does not want to obey Nigerian laws.

There are other opinions by Nigerians too, including this one:

Have you noticed that old and more established churches are not complaining about the CAMA clauses? I am talking about the Catholics, Anglicans, Methodist, Baptist and even Four Square. Why? Because accountability and transparency have always been the bedrock they were built on.
— Yinka Chukwuemeka Ogunnubi (@yinkanubi) August 17, 2020

But this new development is bouncing off a wave of Nigerian Pastors and their resistance to any form of state regulation. Just recently, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of the Believers Loveworld Incorporated condemned the lockdown of churches and religious organisations so as to stem the spread of the coronavirus, stating that “We can serve God as he wants us to, not as somebody says we should”.

So, what do you think? Are you in support of this new clause? Are churches in Nigeria getting a free pass or they should be strictly regulated? Try not to “touch the annointed” as you collect your thoughts, plis dear.
1) Shaving people’s heads like they’re scraping concrete with a rake.

Oy! You’re a barber cutting hair, not a pirate digging for treasure. Take it easy with people’s heads.

2) Gisting while cutting hair.

Can you please pay attention? Gisting with people is how you lose focus and end up fucking up customers’ hairlines.

3) Taking breaks to change music.

People have other shit to do. Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” does nothing for your haircutting skills.

4) Slicing your head open while carving people’s hairlines.

Calm down, Sweeney Todd!

5) Pouring spirit on people’s heads without warning.

The thing dey pain na.

6) When they use too much powder and then forget to wipe it off.

So then you unknowingly walk about looking like a cocaine addict.

7) Putting those fancy haircut posters on their walls, implying that they can do the hairstyles when they know damn well they can’t.

I hate fraudulent people.
1. NIMC App Crashes
What happens when the National Identity Management Commission mismanages your identity? That means I can’t afford to leave you!

By Saturday the much vaunted NIMC App was available for download on digital appstores – keeping in line with the Minister of Interior’s declaration of the drive to digitise the country’s identity management. But, forget drive, what did Nigerians get from downloading the app? Tears, gnashing of teeth and goosebumps.

The app crashed a few hours after testing, and people could no longer access it on the appstore. What’s more? The people who eventually got the app have mostly sad tales to tell. For instance, if you inputed your NIN (National Identity Number) details, the app would come up with the details of another person. Ah, Naija…

Relax, though. The NIMC has not responded, but it seems the bugs are being fixed. Overall, it is the intention that counts, no?

For those of us who've been using the NIMC slip and awaiting the plastic one for 10 years now…. You can now download this app at play store, access your original National ID with photo and print it whether on paper or plastic to yourself…. 🥂 🙂 #BBNaija pic.twitter.com/dkmP1uEt2A
— MOHNICE ⚔️ (@Mohnice_) August 15, 2020

#NATIONALIDCARD: This is Good Innovation From @nimc_ng. However, How Do I Correct This Error With My Number and Someone Else Details? pic.twitter.com/NROE3it31N
— Retson Tedheke (Sarkin Yakin Ga'ate) (@RetsonTedheke01) August 17, 2020

Pro-tip: You can do well to print your digital card if you can generate it, for many reasons including SARS wey no dey hear digital identity. Digital kini?

2. FULL UNEMPLOYMENT RISES
On Friday, the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics released Nigeria’s unemployment figures for the 2nd quarter of 2020, and the figures were…oomf.

Nigeria’s unemployment rate rose from 23.1% in the 3rd quarter of 2018 to 27.1% in the 2nd quarter of 2020. What’s more? Combined youth unemployment has gone from 55% in Q3 2018 to 63% in Q2 2020 – which means 3 out of every 5 Nigerian youths are either unemployed (working less than 19 hours every week), or underemployed (working between 20-39 hours per week).

Women unemployment has also peaked at 63%, more than men’s at 49%. Meaning, again, only 2 out if every 5 Nigerian women are fully employed.

You can digest the rest of the report here (PDF). Please drink water when reading to aid the digestion. This obviously needs to be fixed.
There’s always Rice at home, but is there always stew? No. We profile 4 things you can do with white rice when you don’t have stew or whatever you eat your rice with.

1. Throw It Away
Look, just throw it away man. It’s not useful.

2. Add Rat Poison and Feed It To Rats
Mix it with poison and feed it to rats. That’s not animal cruelty, is it?

3. Use It To Break Your ‘White’ Fast
If you attend Celestial Church, this works even better. Life na sense.

4. Eat It Like That And Blame Buhari/Osinbajo
If people don’t brush their teeth in the morning nowadays, they blame Buhari and Osinbajo. You sef eat your white rice in peace and blame the APC government. Nothing spoil.
Maybe your father is a government secondary school Principal who never lets you out, or you’re female and you wonder what goes on in those hot, stuffy places men go to watch football, then this is for you. Here are 5 kinds of people in football viewing centres:

1. Olote (Hater)
These ones are NFAs – No Future Ambition. No, scrap that. Their mission at the ball house is to watch Manchester United lose to Wigan Athletic. Bad belle people. They can do witchcraft, they just don’t have the powers. Or do they?

2. Assistant Coach (Manager-in-Embryo)
These ones are always analysing. They know the best formation of the team more than the manager on the pitch. They are always disturbing the person sitting down beside them with irrelevant hot takes. In short, they need to monetise their content, they just don’t know how to.

3. Mr “Let’s Google It”
This ones are scammers. Hushpuppi’s people. They don’t know anything, but they will keep on arguing. They back their arguments with misplaced statistics, but when you challenge them they’ll shout: “Oya, let’s Google it”. Google kee you dia.

4. Stander/Standist
These ones are always standing. And they’ll be sitting in front o, but they’ll still be standing. Hard guy, but small square-play blood pressure ti increase. We need to petition the International Criminal Court at the Hague to banish this kind of people from viewing centres. Correct nuisance, I tell you.

5. Senior Man
Alpha Male. This ones have DSTV have at home, not like our brothers above. They just want to enjoy the ambience of the viewing centre. But if you tug at their shirt when a goal has scored they can deck you o. They don’t like nonsense.

Zikoko has more relatable articles. Read: 7 Types of Reactions To Burna Boy’s New Album.
On Tuesday, news broke that 10-year old Jamilu Aliyu was chained with goats and forced to eat animal feed for two years, soon after his mother died. He was rescued after neighbours discovered the gory sight and spread the video footage. The boy was rescued by the Kebbi State government, due largely to the intervention of the International Federation of Women Lawyers and the National Human Rights Commission.
What is particularly important here is that Nigeria has a notorious history of child abuse, child maltreatment, child violence, child marriage, child sexual violence and/or child prostitution. UNICEF Nigeria estimates that 6 out of every Nigerian child experience some sort of child violence. 1 in 4 Nigerian girl child experiences sexual violence while 23 million Nigerian children are married off as illegal brides yearly – the largest such number in Africa.

It is clear that there is a pervasive case of child abuse in Nigeria, rooted in social norms and the use of violence in not whatever form.

WHAT MUST BE DONE?

The Child Rights Act was passed into law by the National Assembly in 2003, but has not been domesticated into law by, at 11 states – Bauchi, Yobe, Sokoto, Adamawa, Borno, Zamfara, Gombe, Katsina, Kebbi, Jigawa and Kano. A situation which makes the law ineffective on a national level. Therefore, we propose that the National Ministry of Women Affairs must begin immediate advocacy of the passage of this law in the eleven Northern states. Until this is done, we can’t even begin the discussion about child abuse in Nigeria.
1) First things first, make it clear that your cream is a lightening/brightening cream.

Because if you’re not leveraging colorism, what are you doing?

2) Promise people that the cream will “bring out their true skin colour”.

Whatever the hell that means.

3) On the label, put a picture of a light-skinned black woman that’s somehow in full-makeup even though she just came out of the shower.

If you’re buying one of the creams I’m describing, you’re not concerned with reality anyway.

4) Or you could just go the lazy route and slap a random white woman on the label.

Is…that Blake Lively??

There’s a lot to unpack in the fact that a “lightening/whitening” cream is being marketed towards black women using white models but that’s another story for another day.

5) Say that it contains carrots.

Because carrots are good for the skin or whatever.

6) Also say that it contains goat milk.

Doesn’t even have to be true.

7) As the cherry on top of the incredibly colourist sundae, add the word “white” to the name of the cream.

Name that shit like your target audience is the KKK and you’re all good to go.
The other day, Nigerian women spoke about the hardest part of dating Nigerian men. This was in response to a post about Nigerian men being scared to raise up issues in their relationships. It seems like there’s a huge disconnect between men and women. To address this, I gathered a few men who said they have questions for women that they need to be clarified. The aim is to bridge the communication gap and ultimately, lead to more wholesome experiences for both parties.

Here are a few questions Nigerian men desperately needs answers to:

1) Why do women feel that men will call them naggers?

“My gf told me that the reason she doesn’t complain about stuff is so she doesn’t come off as nagging. Why does she feel this way?”

2) Why don’t women communicate how they feel?

“A Nigerian woman would rather die than tell you how she really feels about you. Why?”

3) Why do women forget so easily?

“You can do one million things for a babe and when she’s angry, it all goes out of the window. Next thing “do you love me?” Why don’t they remember things we did in the past?

4) Why do women like attention?

“Why?”

5) Is it a bad thing to not want to share my problems?

“I don’t like light and love, is it bad to not want to share a problem, especially if I know it’s love and light you’ll give me?”

6) Why do women pretend not to like something but complain once you stop?

“You’ll be toasting babe and blowing up her phone everyday. She’ll say she doesn’t like it. Enter relationship and stop that texting frenzy[because she said she hates it], next thing you’ll hear is that you don’t do the things you used to when you were chasing me again. But, madam, you said I was disturbing you. Ahan. Why?”

7) Why do women say men don’t listen?

“It’s funny women say we don’t hear word when I feel the exact same way. On one hand, It feels like women want to be loved in a particular kind of way. On the other hand, it also feels like women want men to be loved in a way they [women] dictate and not the way we [men] want. For example, I accept I should be happy on your birthday, but why is it compulsory to be happy on mine? [especially if it’s not my thing] Don’t I have a choice? So, why do they say men don’t listen? Or is it only when we don’t do what they want?”

8) Why do women always say men are selfish?

“I actually want to know why women say men only care about themselves. It’s unfair because men and women have different outlook on life, safety nets, and incentives. This means that men approach things differently. I think there’s a miscommunication somewhere when they label some form of self-preservation as selfishness.”

9) Why do women always drag 30+ men?

“It just seems like women don’t want to compromise. They want stability with a mixture of bad boy. Pls, why do they always drag we that enjoy routine and stability? Is it every time excitement?”

Men and women, share your thoughts with us. Let us know what you think.
“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is a Federal Road Safety Officer. He talks about why refusing bribes from motorists sometimes cause him problems and why his children and corruption are reasons he can’t wait to take on a senior role at directorate level.

4:30 am – 6:00 am:

I wake up by 4:30 am every day. The first thing I usually do is prepare the kids for school. Thankfully, school is not in session so I don’t have to do that today. I have my bath and rush out. I’m rushing because morning parade starts at 6 am and I must not miss it. The parade is where we touch base and discuss our plans for the day. Missing it is a punishable offence. Without traffic, it takes about 25 minutes to get to the office. However, with traffic, the journey takes as long as two hours. It’s still early when I leave the house so there are no bikes to take me to the bus stop. This means that I have to trek which is another journey in itself. Thankfully, I don’t have to stay long at the bus stop before I find a vehicle to carry me to work. I arrive at work, change into my uniform and make it just in time for the parade.

At the parade, our supervisors address us, assign us to various duties and my day officially begins. I’m in operations and this involves supervising motorists and helping out in emergency response, so my team and I hit the road to start work.

7:00 am – 12 noon:

Every work or duty whether it’s an artisan or white-collar has their peculiarities. Something that makes the work difficult to do. In my case, it’s the psyche of the motorists. It’s a big challenge because Nigerians have normalized bad behaviour. We know the country is bad and all, but you are not meant to drive on the road without a valid driver’s license. The funny thing is that it doesn’t cost a lot to do – You get the temporary license online, and in sixty days time, you get a permanent copy. However, my country people prefer to go on the road and give someone ₦2,000 – ₦3,000 just to scale through without a license. At the end of the day, they end up giving people this money more than 12 times a year thereby spending more than they would have spent to just do the license.

When I stop a motorist and let them see the reasons why they should not depend on bribing an officer, they keep asking: Who be this one, wetin dis one dey try to prove? Are you not a Nigerian?

They see me as irrational or unreasonable because I don’t behave like every other person. In fact, they think I’m wicked, heartless, and I don’t want to help them. Sometimes it turns into a quarrel and they rally a crowd to sympathize with them. It gets tricky here because Nigerians have a thing against uniformed people. Once there’s public sentiment, most people side the motorist who is actually an offender because they don’t buy your story. Road safety officer that doesn’t want to collect money? [haha]. Then I’ll start hearing you for don leave am. You for don collect. It then becomes a dilemma because how are we going to make things right?

As I am battling the work front, there are also family members. They either call asking for my help when they break road traffic laws or they need someone to help them process a driver’s license. I keep telling them that we have to start making things right and we can do things the right way. We must not do things the wrong way. After all my talk, they still don’t get it and tomorrow, they’ll still ask me to either beg for them or introduce someone to help them.

They don’t get it. Neither does the majority of the force. The officers who get it are not enough to change the image of the force but we still try. Sigh.

1:00 pm – 4:00 pm:

I booked a man driving a Tundra for an offence this afternoon. He was driving without a seat belt and was eating. To make matters worse, his car papers were not up to date. After explaining and begging, I booked him for driving without a seat belt and also impounded his car. I explained to him that he had to update his papers for his own safety and for the safety of other road users. Eventually, he came to collect his car and his wife drove him down. He asked to see me and he introduced me to his wife. His wife, a consultant in a big teaching hospital said he was just praising my professionalism. After retrieving his car, we exchanged contacts and I promised to visit.

Moments like this make me happy because it shows that some people appreciate me. I remember another incident where I stopped a road user and after a severe warning, I let him go. The next time I ran into him was at the hospital when I went for scaling and polishing. It turned out that he was the head dentist there and he remembered me. So, I got special treatment and he ended up sorting my fees which I know was not cheap. Sometimes, I wonder that if I had collected ₦2,000 from him on the road, would he have given me the same treatment?

Corruption is a cycle that affects all of us. We live in normal houses [not barracks] like regular people. We go to the same hospital as regular people. Our children go to regular schools too. If an officer takes money from a motorist that’s a doctor, the doctor will try to make it back and may inflate their own fees. Then let’s say a policeman goes to the doctor and can’t afford the fees, the policeman goes on the road to try to make the money and your guess is as good as mine… It’s an endless cycle that hurts everyone.

4:00pm – 6:00 pm:

I get off work by 6 pm. That’s when people on night patrol take over. On some days, they come early to relieve us, so I use that opportunity to pick my kids from school. That bonding time with daddy is important to me. It’s good to let them have a change from mummy coming to pick them; time spent with family is precious. I can’t wait till I actually have more time to spend with my kids. This means that I have to keep growing in my career, I must not be stagnated. I can’t afford to miss a promotion. The only way I’ll have more time is to get in a senior role at maybe directorate level. Then, I’ll have more time for my kids and I can also make recommendations for change in the force. Because our agency is under the presidency and there are so many stratum and chains of command, it’s only at that level that your input really counts.

Until that time, all I can do is count down till 6 pm when I get off work. I’ll keep working to get there because, at my level, I can’t change a thing – I’m still what the Igbo people call boy-boy.

Editors note: FRSC images were taken randomly from the internet as the interview was done anonymously.

Glossary:

Boy-boy: Someone that runs errands for other people.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
Here are a list of Nigerian food that deserve more charitable treatment from the media and other taste buds of propaganda.

1) Beans and corn.

For food this sweet, I don’t know why it doesn’t get more noise.

2) Golden morn and Milo.

If you know, you know.

3) Lafun (White Amala).

Properly prepared one will change your life. No jokes.

4) Ogi baba.

Make sure you blend it with ginger and you will be in mini-heaven. What is a white pap?

5) Palm oil rice and beans.

It’s ridiculous how sweet this thing is. Enter this house with an open mind and drop your scepticism at the door.

6) Wara (Cheese).

The fried version may just change your mind.

7) Rice, beans and banana.

This is not a drill.

8) Pupuru.

Ondo state best kept secret.

9) Ikokore.

My grandma swears by this meal.

Images from:

Zaafirahwmd channel on Youtube

Olist site.

Pinterest.

KitchenMuse

CookwithKemi.com