First, a primer:
In light of that incident, here are few ways to respond whenever someone asks you a difficult question.
Tested and trsuted method.
If you speak, you’ll be in big trouble.
It’s okay, Mr speaker.
Works like a charm.
I go scatter ya teeth.
No shaking, one Nigeria.
The Nigerian Police is currently recruiting, and we want a clean slate from the past. These questions must be asked if we are serious about integrity and professionalism in the force.
Obviously, he won’t say he is. But check his eyes, if he describes 50 Naira with so much passion and gusto, and his eyes light up with lust, that’s an incoming thief. He is high on mutilated N50 Naira. Boot him out!
He will try to hide his admiration for Kcee (“Alhaji Bureau de Changer”) and his elder brother E-money. But pay attention to his lips, if he smirks it any suggestively then he’s somebody who will leave the force to open doors for rich people. He’s a door opener, not a police. Get that man out!
If he says no earrings, no tattoos and no dreadlocks and anyone who has them on is suspect, that’s a SARS material. He will be a menace on the streets. Sack that man before you’ve even given him a job!
If he says virginity is a material fact, and that he has to ask about virginity once he questions any girl, that man is going to be a benefit policeman, and a terror to our girls. Sweep him out!
If he shouts “Parrrrrrrk!”, and the veins in his head is bulging out and his eyes are almost coming out of their socket, that’s a baby tyrant. He will stop every car and tax every driver, even more than Sanwo-Olu. Show that man the exit!
If he says he “so much” likes road travel and that he likes Nigeria’s rough and rugged inter-state roads, he’s going to be an inter-state extortionist. Decline his application before he extorts all the drivers on Nigerian roads.
If he says he likes calling his superiors “Oga”, you’re looking at a Makanaki. He will start a bribery ring with his “Oga”, and they’ll share it 70-30. He understands how to pay tithe in the Devil’s kingdom. Sack than man, now!
Check his wrist and see if he’s wearing a wrist watch. If he’s not, he will run away from the crime scene and come back hours after the criminals have gone. He’s a scammer, that one.
But we know the Nigerian Police Force won’t ask these tough questions. That means, God safe us from this incoming batch of members of the police force who will certainly not be our friends, as always.
If you grew up with a Nigerian father, chances are that he may not have said “I love you” very loudly. However, he must have done one of these:
Thank you, daddy for showing up every term without fail.
Ignoring your mum’s side eye while eating that extra meat.
Bonus point if he taught you how to drive.
All the shirts, shoes, and perfumes gave us a head start in life.
Especially when you were much younger.
Good old days. Now, if I fall asleep in the parlor, that’s where I’ll wake up.
Even though watching the news was boring.
The realest OG.
If you know, you know.
How to change a tyre, how to turn on the generator, how to have integrity, among other things.
Hello, Zikoko fam. Something for men by men is coming to Zikoko.
On Monday, the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics released GDP figures for Q2 2020 (April – June), and the outcomes were not so surprising. Gross Domestic Product (GDP) decreased by 6.10% from the exact same period last year, ending a 3-year trend of low but positive economic growth recorded since the 2016/17 recession (remember that dark time when son of men would rather eat rice with dollars, not stew?).
The thing is, every fat kid in the class is shrinking. The US economy shrank by 32.9% April to June 2020, the worst on record since 1945. The UK’s trade heavy economy also deflated 20.4% within the same period, and South Africa’s reserve bank sees a 32.6% economic contraction in the 2nd quarter.
But even though Nigeria was already the lean Kenyan (or Nigerian) marathoner in the class, the coronavirus lockdowns, particularly in April and May, is doing everyone dirty. Economies are not generally forecast to get back on their full feet until well into 2021.
You probably did one of the online challenges to keep yourself sane during the lockdown. Well, thanks to you and many other benevolent Nigerians, Telecommunications (within the ICT sector), grew by 18.1% compared to 9.7% in the first three months of 2020. Meaning that the telecoms guys were cashing out dirty from our online challenges, video calls and long distance calls to loved ones during the lockdown.
The ICT sector itself contributed N15.9 trillion to the economy, making it the only sector alongside financial services, crop production and ‘others’ to grow within within the quarter.
Again, double your hustle, triple it if you wish. But don’t expect miracles on economic recovery until well into 2021.
Check back every morning by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.
“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject for today is Dr Asekun Ajibola, a veterinary doctor. He talks about being frustrated with the elders in his profession, the hidden dangers with the meat we consume, and his ticket out of all this mess.
I wake up by 5:30 am on most days. Sometimes when I’m extremely tired, like today, I don’t stand up until 6 am. After leaving my bed, I do some house chores and then iron my shirt for the day. I’m lucky that I live only 30 minutes away from work, so, when I’m done having my bath and dressing up, I still have time. I resume work by 8 am and it’s just 7 am, so I decide to pass the time by reading. As a veterinary doctor, it’s important to read every day if you want to avoid disgrace. Many people who bring their pets to the clinic have already googled their pets’ symptoms extensively and it’ll be embarrassing if you can’t answer their questions. Also, as a result of the ignorance surrounding this profession in Nigeria, we constantly have to prove ourselves.
You’ll hear people say that they’ve never been to a vet clinic before or that they didn’t know it existed. You’ll also hear people ask how can they keep pets or afford my services when they haven’t eaten well themselves? I’m used to these things so I just shrug it off. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I enjoy my job. For me, the best part of my job is trying to deduce what’s wrong with an animal. Everyone knows that animals can’t speak so you just have to observe the animal and ask the owner questions. Sometimes, we discover that owners are not observant and they don’t know what’s going on. Figuring out what’s wrong with the animal with little or no help at all always makes me feel like a superstar.
I’ll never forget the day that they brought a monkey to the hospital. It had been stooling and vomiting and for a while. The little guy was weak and at some point, we lost him. I remember having to do chest compressions to manually pump his heart back to life. It was a big deal for me because, before that incident, I’d never treated a monkey. Obviously, we read about them and wrote exams on them, but I’d never had that practical feel.
I remind myself to stop daydreaming and focus on my reading. Because of the nature of my job, I can’t predict how my day will be. It’s better to read what I can now because once I’m done, my day officially begins.
When I tell people that I’m a vet, the first thing they want to know is if I’ve been chased by a dog before. I tell them that the answer is yes. And they always sound surprised. I don’t know if people think that because I’m a vet, the dog automatically knows so it won’t chase me. The dog thing is even a stereotype because we also treat birds, fishes, rabbits, all kinds of animals — how many people do I want to tell? I just indulge them and tell them my story of being chased by a dog.
It was after my NYSC and I was trying to hustle some money. A friend reached out to me that someone needed to vaccinate her dog who had missed his routine vaccine. I agreed to go because I needed the cash. On getting to her house, the dog [caucasian breed] was already barking and wrangling the cage. I told the lady to hold her dog well and she agreed. She brought the dog out and hooked the chain to its collar. I don’t know what happened, maybe she wasn’t holding the dog well, but it slipped from her hand.
Our senior colleagues had told us several times to ask for an escape route once we get to a client’s house. For some reason, that day, I totally forgot.
As the dog charged towards me, adrenaline spiked in my body. There was a tree inside the house that till today, I don’t know how I jumped on. I can’t explain how I was able to jump that high. I stood on the branches looking down.
The girl was like “are you not a veterinarian?” and I was very angry. Does the dog know that one? If a dog is coming at you furiously, what kind of training do you expect them to give us in school to overcome that situation? I had to tell her to calm her dog down.
I instructed her on how to wear a mouth guard for the dog and I didn’t approach until the dog was properly restrained. Since that time, it’s always at the back of my mind. Anytime I go to someone’s house, I’m always like “bro/lady, please leave the door open. Don’t lock it so that if anything happens, I can run.” You can lose your life because some dogs are wicked and they’ll go straight to your neck where your jugular vein is located. If they bite down, you’re dead. Assuming you’re in a country with good medical facilities, you can still survive. But in Nigeria? – There’s no reward for bravery. Your life’s on the line and you have to be careful.
All these are not my problem for now. My problem today is getting to work because I am tired.
I’m working late today. Ideally, I get off work by 6 pm. But someone brought in their pet by 5:50 pm so we had to stay back to treat. It was an emergency where we had to perform surgery. It’s sad that even though I work 8 am – 6 pm from Monday to Saturday, and sometimes, even Sunday, my profession is not recognised in this country. The job takes so much of your time, and you sacrifice so much, but you get nothing in return.
The case of veterinarians in this country is pathetic and discouraging. As a vet, how many youths know about us? How many people have visited the clinic? There are a lot of things we are lacking in this profession. When you finish school, the surest route is to become a lecturer because you know that you’d get paid reasonably well, or you go into private practice. Some people who run farms and big poultry farms will employ like three vets to monitor and diagnose diseases and even formulate feeds.
Veterinary medicine is wide, but in Nigeria, the opportunities are limited. Vets are supposed to be a part of food safety – For example, in abattoirs where they kill cows for their meat, there are so many zoonotic diseases that can be gotten from animals. Vets ensure that meat not fit for human consumption is flagged. In this country, if they condemn your cattle because the animal is diseased (it has a communicable disease) the government is supposed to compensate the farmer at least 60% of the worth of the animal. But nobody will compensate you in this country. A lot of times when vets condemn the meat and bury it, the farmers will go to where it’s buried to fetch it so they can sell. In some cases, to prevent this from happening, the vet will compensate the farmer out of pocket.
If you’re working in a hospital or abattoir, you work every day. So, there’s literally no break and it’s just like human medics. You can’t plan your schedule because you can’t plan sickness. People can bring their pets anytime.
It’s very annoying because some of the older colleagues meant to be fighting for us are only fighting for their pockets. As long as they are getting paid higher than human medic[doctors], they are happy and they don’t care what’s going on. However, we still have some fighting for us despite everything. If you ask a young vet for their plan, you’ll hear that they either want to become lecturers or get employed by the Ministry. If none of this happens, there’s no future. Whenever I see human medics [medical doctors] who have a thousand times the opportunity we have leaving this country, I just shake my head for my profession. Thankfully, we have the japa route and that’s what people are now looking at.
What me I’m looking at is time. I just want to finish documenting this treatment plan so I can go home, turn on Netflix and just chill with my Blacklist series.
Today, at work, I can’t help but think about Nigeria. I keep thinking about the fact we’re in trouble and many people don’t even realise it. For example, a high percentage of the meat we consume has antibiotic residue in it. This is because cattle are mostly reared by people who don’t understand the implication of things. What happens is that these people treat their animals with antibiotics like metronidazole [flagyl] which is banned in animals meant for consumption. The worst part now is that they treat animals with these drugs a day before they are meant for slaughter. There’s not enough withdrawal period for the drug to leave the animal’s body so the drug stays in the meat. This is where vets are supposed to come in because we have kits that can detect these residues in dead animals. But then, you’ll see that a state like Lagos which slaughters the most amount of cattle per day has like only 8 – 12 vets on its payroll. How do you now expect these people to monitor everywhere? It’s even worse because poultry animals are also given these antibiotics and those ones can be slaughtered anywhere. At least cattles are still slaughtered at the abattoir.
Maybe when we say we’re not feeling fine and we need some antibiotics to help us feel better, they’ll say we are resistant to them. The sad part is that it’s as a result of what we are eating because people don’t value our services. But, will I now say that I won’t eat?
In fact, let me go and eat because it’s time for lunch. Thank God that the work is light today.
Today, I wake up tired. I’m always tired but I still have to show up at work. I remind myself that it will get better and the situation won’t be like this forever. I am sure because I am hardworking and I don’t give up.
It’s just sad that I spent 6 – 7 years in school [including strikes] alternating between clinics, class, internships, and studying. There was no time for anything else. Only to come out and realise that I don’t have any other skill outside of my certificate. In an ideal society, a certificate should be an optimal meal ticket until the day you die. You shouldn’t need to stress yourself about trying other things unless you want to. I believe that as a vet, your job should be able to afford you the basic needs in society. However, that’s not the case here: Many times, if you don’t have any other skill and you’ve expended all your energy getting the certificate, you just have to die on the line in this profession.
Another alternative for many of us is school admission so we can leave. With the way things are going in this country, it’s a surprise that vets still exist at all. Obviously, I’m not really surprised because we are trained to be versatile. That’s why we are all trying to learn new skills no matter how hard it is.
Personally, the skill I’m learning is to japa; to get out. The hope that it’ll get better kills Nigerians faster than anything. On the one hand, a little part of me is hopeful that things will get better. On the other hand, I’ll also like to go somewhere where people know my worth, I’m comfortable, and they appreciate me. My work should speak for me and I shouldn’t have to struggle for recognition every time. I’m still looking forward to a Nigeria where people recognise vets and give us the respect we deserve.
All this won’t matter if I don’t get up from this bed. I have to rush because I’m running late for work.
Editor’s note: Dr Ajibola says the 8-12 vets in Lagos is an estimate and may not necessarily be the reality.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
Every Monday morning, Zikoko’s new Citizen “Politics 101” will curate the biggest news stories that made the rounds over the weekend, including the most significant news stories we’re tracking in the new week.
Aisha Buhari is really trying to fumble up our bag, or at least that’s what it seems. Per a Sahara Reporters investigation, Aisha Buhari had reportedly flown out the country to Dubai, violating Covid-19 lock down regulations in the process, while using neck pain as an alibi when she actually went to purchase wedding items for her daughter’s upcoming wedding ceremony. According to SaharaReporter’s source, Aisha Buhari’s “neck doctor” is in London and not Dubai, and the travel was not an health emergency but to purchase luxury items.
Look, we’re losing track. The real gist is that the first lady came back from this medical trip and started talking a big game about funding challenges in the health sector and how healthcare providers should access the fund.
But erm, eskiss Ma, you’re the FIRST LADY OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA. Even if you had facilitated funding for just one hospital and then subsequently went ahead to treat yourself at that hospital, wouldn’t that have been patriotic and a great show of leadership by example? Ugh, I will never get it with Nigerian leaders, man. Its horrendous.
Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, remember him? The Emir of Kano dethroned in March this year for reasons more blurry than when you take a selfie with a Sagem camera (if Sagem phones ever had one). Well, he visited the Governor of Kaduna State, Mallam Nasir El-Rufai on Sunday, talmbout solidarity visit and all.
There’s really not much to take away from the meeting tbh, except that Sanusi quipped that the NBA should not have disinvited El-Rufai from its Annual General Conference and that they should have used the opportunity to hear his own side of the story. The story being the Southern Kaduna killings and the subsequent protest by many lawyers that they won’t attend the conference if El-Rufai remains billed as a guest speaker – courtesy of their opinion that he has handled the insecurity issues in the state in a very disdainful manner.
Police on Sunday rearrested Sunday Shodipe (any idea why Sunday was re-arrested on Sunday?), an alleged serial killer who had escaped police custody on August 11. Sunday Shodipe is said to have masterminded killings in Akinyele Local Government Area of Oyo State.
TL/DR: Sunday had earlier narrated how he conducted his operations of killing more than 5 people. He said he worked for an herbalist who recited some incantations on him and gave him a shovel to kill people. He said he turns his back on people and closes his eye for 5 seconds after killing them before he carries them to the herbalist. Asked if he wasn’t scared if he’ll be caught, he said the herbalist assured him that nobody will see him while doing the act.
Look, there’s way more grim stuff, and you can read them here. But my managing editor will kill me if she finds out I’m writing about herbalist-y things. This is a safe website, plis.
IPOB clash with security forces in Enugu. Pastor Olukoya clears air on fraud allegations.
Check back every Monday morning by 10am for more #Politics101 stories.
Political campaigns are going on. Elections have been scheduled. Religious worship houses have resumed. Airports are open. Markets are open. But the average Nigerian kid is still rolling tires and has not been in a classroom at least since March. There’s no sort of plan by the government for the resumption of their education, and we are wondering who exactly students offended in this politically charged country?
When will students learn actively again? Any ideas?
On August 20, the Ministry of of Education released yet another set of guidelines to schools before and when when they reopen, including the training of teachers and other personnel on safety and hygiene measures, establishment of a Covid-19 referral system, availability of ambulance services to testing/isolation/treatment centres including the state government facilities, etc. Many conditions that the average mom and pop schools won’t even meet.
But schools physically reopening is not even the bigger issue here. Look, we will all be fine if kids are at home but they aren’t spreading or getting any virus. But that is if they are also learning at home. But Nigeria has no infrastructure whatsoever for kids to learn online, or from home. So most students are stuck at the same point since March – learning nothing. Just vibes and Insha Allah.
At this point we need to ask what is really going on. Where is the plan for our students to resume learning again? Does the government have any?
Check back every Morning by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.
Nigerian politicians are not normal, everyone knows. How do you even eat two pieces of roasted corn at the same time, one on each hand. How? Are you showing us how you’ll multitask when elected?
Here’s how to handle street food according to Nigerian politicians:
For your next read: 15 meals online vendors should consider selling.
Nigerian traders in Ghana have being complaining of unfair treatment and the forceful closure of their shops in the country.
The video above, recorded by a Nigerian trader in Ghana is a good place to begin. For the past few days, Nigerian traders have been appealing to the Nigerian government, claiming that their shops are being locked up by Ghanaian authorities, and that the latter are hell bent on forcefully closing up their business, despite evidence of company registration, tax payment and legal business dealings.
But that appears not to be all of the story. Chukwueka Nnaji, President of the Nigerian Traders Union in Ghana had said shops belonging to Nigerians were locked by an Inter-Ministerial Task Force which went round on August 10, requesting their registration of business taxes, resident permit, standard control and the GIPC (Ghana Investment Promotion Council) Registration.
Nnaji explained that Nigerian traders could not afford the requirements of the registration which they were given two weeks to pay. The GIPC (Ghana Investment Promotion Council) Law allows for general trading of people who are not members of GUTA ( Ghana Union of Traders Association), but with a requirement of $1 million cash or foreign equity and registration fee of 31,500 Cedis.
Nnaji further added the law requires Nigerian trader’s to employ a minimum of 25 skilled Ghanaian workers and they must not trade in commodities that Nigerian traders have applied in.
But Boakye Boateng, Head of Communications in Ghana’s Trade Ministry has defended the regularisation exercise, stating that it would be unfair of Nigerian traders to complain of insensitivity by the Ghanaian government.
He added that Nigerian traders had been served notice for over a year, and we’re pardoned in December following the intervention of President Nana Akufo-Addo. He added that the security officials in the ‘regularisation exercise’ only went to inspect shops, and that they were given 14 days to ensure that all their necessary documentations were complete.
It is clear there are still a lot of challenges with Intra-African trade, especially due to Xenophobia and related reasons. African governments must work together to facilitate trade and migration amongst different countries. We’ll keep hearing stories of this nature until that is fixed.
Recently, I asked a couple of Nigerians to tell me behaviours that would confuse a non-Nigerian.
Here’s a list of what they said:
This behaviour is common among civil servants especially after they have kept you waiting for a hundred years.
Holy water a day keeps the demons away.
Because your neighbours want to steal your destiny with Sallah meat or Christmas rice. Stay jiggy!
Faith without works eh?
Only text them after safely arriving.
Repeat above.
The left hand is disrespectful, period. Don’t ask why. Right hand good, left hand bad.
Even though they may be the mother’s side for someone else.
If you don’t say ‘sorry’, how else will they know that you aren’t responsible for their misfortune? As a bonus, add a bit of display and shout the name of the God you believe in at least three times.
Government: A dollar is now ₦600.
Nigerians: It is well.
Nobody:
Nigerian politician: If God wills it, we’ll achieve vision 2020.
Because people who ate their meat before finishing their food all grew up to be politicians thieves.
