Male Friendships

For many Nigerian men, friendships are where they find the kind of care, honesty, and support that society often doesn’t allow them to ask for openly. Whether it’s a friend who helps you rewrite your career story or pushes you to take a life-changing chance, these relationships often become the quiet backbone of a man’s life.

Zikoko asked a few men to tell us about the male friendships that changed their lives, and they had some wholesome stories to share.

“He changed the course of my career with his advice” — Tomi*, 30

How did you guys meet?

Fumbi and I met online in 2019 and chatted occasionally, but we weren’t very close. In 2021, I went to check on my new apartment during renovations and ran into him. He turned out to be my upstairs neighbour. We started talking again and clicked instantly. We became so close that it felt like we were flatmates, rather than neighbours. We stayed that way until he passed away in June 2025.

It’s been one of the greatest losses of my life.

I’m sorry. Can you describe an experience that made you realise that he was really your guy?

Too many to count. Even while battling health challenges, he always checked on me, randomly sent lunch or stopped by my workplace just to gist. He was truly like a brother to me. He was a recruiter and guided me through revamping my LinkedIn profile and changing the course of my career. He was that person who uplifted others and encouraged them to be better.

What’s something you learned about love, loyalty or friendship from him?

Before Fumbi, I held grudges easily.. He taught me to let go because you never know when you’ll see someone for the last time. It’s made me a more forgiving person in general, and I will always appreciate him for that.

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“He pushed me hard to apply for the scholarship that changed my life” — Dayo*, 29

How did you guys meet?

We met during our A-level studies in 2014 and became inseparable.

Can you describe an experience that made you realise that he was really your guy?

One Sunday in 2022, we were driving around, looking for a football pitch when we saw an ad for a professional programme with a scholarship. I was interested but didn’t want to go through the stress of applying. He pulled me aside and threatened to end our friendship if I didn’t go through with it, so I did. That year-long scholarship introduced me to my future and the community I’m building it with. I don’t know if I would have made that life-changing decision if he hadn’t pushed me to do it.

What’s something you learned about love, loyalty or friendship from him?

Sometimes, being a real friend means pushing your person to do what’s best for them.

“He became my safest space” – Daniel*, 30

How did you guys meet?

Biyi* and I met on Facebook while in university. I was initially friends with his older sister, but he and I built a much stronger bond.

Can you describe an experience that made you realise that he was really your guy?

When he japa-ed, he made sure I could rent his old flat without paying any exorbitant agency and legal fees. I’d just come out of a long stretch of unemployment and was struggling to afford rent. He also left his appliances and furniture behind, so I wouldn’t have to buy them. I knew he was my guy before then, but that act just solidified it for me. It set me up for a softer landing when I moved out of my parents’ house, and I’m forever grateful for it.

Biyi’s also my safest space. I can tell him anything and everything without fear of judgment.

Sweet. What’s something you learned about love, loyalty or friendship from him?

You don’t have to talk to your best friend every day to be sure they have your best interest at heart. I also learned that a true friend should always tell you the truth, even when it may be hard to hear.

“He has never made me feel like a burden” — Akin*, 27

How did you guys meet?

Bayo* and I grew up together as childhood friends. Our parents share the same anniversary. When he moved abroad for school, I thought the distance would change our relationship, but it didn’t. We’ve stayed closed through the years.

Can you describe an experience that made you realise that he was really your guy?

It’s not a particular thing he did, but more about what he’s always doing. He’s a year younger than me. When people tried to compare us after he moved abroad, he defended me every time. He told them I was his brother., Even now, he doesn’t think of himself alone; he always includes me in everything. We constantly discuss our ideas and our plans for the future. I’ve never felt uncomfortable sharing my big dreams with him because he’s never made me feel like a burden, and that’s rare.

What’s something you learned about love, loyalty or friendship from him?

He’s taught me that family isn’t always by blood ties. It’s the people who stay, who show up and who remind you you’re worth choosing.

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“He inspired me to overhaul my value system completely” — Banji*, 30

How did you guys meet?

Yinka* and I met on the church steps ten years ago when I was still religious. He wore an outfit with clashing colours, and I joked about fixing his sense of style. Instead of being upset, he actually found it really funny, and that’s how we became friends.

Can you describe an experience that made you realise that he was really your guy?

From the start, he was always open and honest. Even though we attended different universities, we still travelled to visit each other whenever we could. I really liked that about us. Our friendship made me completely re-evaluate my value system. Yinka made me uncomfortable telling lies, even about the smallest things. Once, we were late to church and I’d planned to blame it on traffic. When a pastor asked, and I lied as planned, Yinka shut it down and admitted that we had just mismanaged our time, which made us late. I was a bit embarrassed, and I felt betrayed that he would out us like that.

But when I spoke to him about it later, he firmly stated that there was never a good reason to lie and that if we told the truth, what was the worst that could happen? It taught me to always be honest and expect honesty from others.

What’s something you learned about love, loyalty or friendship from him?

He taught me one of the most important lessons: how to navigate difficult conversations. Many male friendships suffer from poor communication, but not with Yinka. Because of him, I’ve learned how to express myself even when it’s uncomfortable, and I’m a much better person for it.

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Here’s Your Next Read: Nigerian Women on Their Life-Changing Female Friendships
It’s another International Men’s Day celebration, which means you’ve got to show some love to the guys in your life. However, we know some Nigerian men would rather chew glass than freely express how they feel about their male friends because it feels awkward.

If you’re on this table, we’re judging you like mad. But we’ve also compiled 15 messages that get the job done while keeping things very cutesy and demure.

1. “You still alive, or should I start auditioning for a new best man?”

Because sometimes, all it takes is reminding them that being your friend means constant life check-ins.

2. “Bro, you sef go gym today?”

A nice way to check if he’s keeping fit or needs a little pep talk to get back into routine.

3. “Man, how’s life treating you? You know I’m here if you ever need to vent or laugh about how crazy things are.”

This heartfelt message allows him to open up or share an unhinged gist.

4. “Still chasing your dreams or have you settled for being my personal hype man?”

Encouraging, with just the right amount of banter. If he’s going through something, this might give him a push to talk to you.

5. “Drop location. Let’s eat.”

Food solves everything. And if he’s going through something, a heavy plate of semo and seafood egusi with his bro might be what he needs.

6. “You dey owe me gist. What’s going on?”

Make it about him owing you instead of you worrying. It’s a win-win: he shares, and you hear all the tea.

7. “How’s that thing we don’t talk about going?”

He knows what you mean. And if he wants to talk about it, this message makes it easier.

8. “Remember to be a bad bitch today, baby boy.”

Sometimes, hyping your boy up is the ultimate form of support. Everybody needs a reminder now and then.

9. “When was the last time you took a break and treated yourself, big man? You deserve it.”

Guys often forget to prioritise self-care. You’re just here to remind him that YOLO.

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11. “Just wanted to say you’re doing great, even if life isn’t giving you gold stars right now.”

The type of message that’ll warm his heart, even if he doesn’t say it out loud.

11. “How’s your mental health, bro? Like, for real. No pretending to be a gangster today.”

Straight to the point, but with a layer of care. It’s okay to not always be strong.

12. “You still owe me that PS5 match.”

Use his love of gaming to check-in. The possibility of getting beat might be the push he needs to open up.

13. “You know you can text me at any hour, right? Just don’t call me before 9 a.m., I’ll still be asleep.”

Your guy will feel better knowing you’re there for him, even with boundaries.

Enjoyed this piece about sweet messages for men? Read this next: An Old and Forgotten Friend Made My Japa Dreams Come True
For a day dedicated to supporting men and boys, it makes sense to look at the actual structures that hold men together. The real support systems. Their communities. Their friends.

The starting point is simple: men aren’t allergic to support. So this year, we asked five men: where does your support come from?

Their responses map out what that support looks like through communities formed through shared history, chosen families built in adulthood, and groups where vulnerability isn’t punished. The kind if safety every boy should grow into.

Nimi*, 32

On a random day in June 2020, I shuffled through my Google Drive and noticed that the same faces had appeared in my photos since 2014. So I thought if these people can be in my pictures every year, they must be my tribe. I was right, and I’ve been good since.

It’s tricky to quantify the amount work went into building this community, and the support that’s come from them. The most challenging part for me was the amount of voluntary disclosures I had to give and receive, and that’s still ongoing. The WhatsApp chats and the FaceTime calls never end, and I also walkie-talkie my friends to keep in touch.

My community is my top priority, and I treat them accordingly. I know I will always find all the love and support I need in them. They are always there and will answer me when needed. As a result, there has never been a time when I was scared that I’d wake up and not see my people again.

About a year ago, I was forced offline due to a severe power outage in my area. By the second day of the blackout, these people, at different times, stormed my house to confirm I was good. One of them burst into tears when they saw that I was alive and well. This deep level of love? I can’t take it for granted.

That same evening, they dragged me out of the house, and my friend entered a dance competition so she could win a power bank and hand it over to me: she didn’t want me to ever go off the grid again.

They’ll always have my back. Life has been fair to me because of these people. Money can’t buy that.

Dami, 30

I have two communities, each serving different purposes. One is a group of three people I’ve been friends with since uni. They’re my closest friends, and it’s easy because we grew up together in a way.

The second is a group of 12 boys, and they’re there for more serious matters — the personal and intimate matters I can’t discuss without being judged. It’s interesting how this works because I met them recently. However, I warmed up to them the more I spent time with them and saw how freely everyone interacted with one another.

Each group support me the way they can, and it works for me.

It’s great I have these two groups in my corner; having them around helps me figure stuff out. In 2018, the 3-man group helped me navigate my most serious heartbreak. They’d met my ex several times and knew how I felt about her, so they got what I was going through. They checked in multiple times, and one even reached out to her to fix things. The same group swooped me and supported me through the next heartbreak.

They’re also a solid sounding board and are the first people I tell things to when they happen. There’s no other way to say it — they are my safe space.

Ayo, 31

I’m a people person, so I have different friend groups. I grew up with some and met others through school, work, or other friends. But in all these groups, a close bond has been formed.

I’m not going to lie; it took some work to get there, from the serious stuff like showing up when they needed me to everyday things like celebrating their wins. But it was all worth it because now I know they’ll always have my back. It makes living more pleasant.

I’ve been homeless twice, and I wasn’t bothered. I knew I wouldn’t sleep under a bridge; I just needed to reach out to some of my people and let them know I was in a fix. On both occasions, two of my guys took me in. The first was free, and the second let me pay the rent at my convenience. It doesn’t get better than that.

Oluwatosin, 28

For years, I didn’t think I needed a community of friends. Most people form strong friendships or communities in university, but I was a lone ranger. It’s not like I didn’t have friends, but I didn’t see the need to create or nurture a community that would be my safe space.

This thinking only changed about three years ago. I’m not sure how, but I’m glad it did, and I should have given it a chance much earlier.

The first step in finding these folks was to identify what we had in common, which formed the basis of our bond. Now that I have them, they support me emotionally and financially. A while back, I felt the weight of family and work pressure crushing me, and these people got me through it. Also, I know who I can ask for the urgent ₦2k and the significant loans. We prioritise refunds. This keeps the relationship healthy.

I’ve learned that I can always be vulnerable with them, and they’ll make me feel safe. There’s no high-pressure situation they can’t get me out of. It’s reassuring.

David, 26

My siblings are my support group, and they’ve always been. In secondary school, I’d hear people talk about the not-very-nice experiences they had with members of my family, and I was always like, “Wait, what? My family is so chill.”

This outcome is primarily driven by my parents’ efforts to make us a close-knit group — I’m grateful for it. The primary thing I feel with them is love, which is excellent for my quality of life.

Two of my close friends also recently left the country, so my siblings have become an even more integral part of my community. We talk every day, I’m close with their kids, and I even live with one of them. They make me feel incredibly lucky.

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People can dispute it all they want, but there’s no denying that the dynamics of a relationship changes when one party becomes famous. Whether it’s for good or worse is a different pot of soup.

In this story, Fred* (34) talks about how one of his oldest friends joined the crop of post-COVID lockdown creator stars of 2021. He can sense them drifting apart, but his fear of getting labelled as “entitled” has hindered him from having an honest conversation about it.

Image by freepik

As told to Adeyinka

I met my friend in 2010, shortly after I graduated from secondary school. My mum gifted me a Nokia phone for graduation, and 2go was the in-thing then. When I first joined, I mostly had random conversations with users I assumed were also trying to figure out the app.

One day, I came across the rooms feature — forums with different topics. There was one for movies, politics, football and so on. I was preparing to study mass communication in uni, so it made sense that the only rooms that appealed to me were the ones tilted to the media. The rooms were almost as confusing as the 2go app itself. After you enter a room, there’s a barrage of messages from different accounts.

It took a while to get around it, but when I did, I started dropping commentary in the music and movie rooms. Soon, I noticed an account that always engaged with my contributions. Whenever I talked about a new movie or song, he backed me, and I started to do the same for his comments. He had the Mona Lisa painting as his display picture, which held me back from sending a friend request at first.

However, after a couple of exchanges in the forums, I could tell he was a cool person and I wanted to get to know him better, so I sent a friend request and he accepted almost immediately. It was easy to converse since we had similar interests, but I was curious to know more about him beyond what his profile bio said.

I learnt he was fresh out of secondary school, about to write JAMB and had plans to study Mass Communication too. He also resided in Lagos, and was just two buses away from my house.

Over the next couple of months, our shared interests and aspirations helped us form a bond, and we moved from the realm of 2go buddies to actual friends. We would constantly talk about our dreams to become OAPs and move around with actors, actresses and singers or even become superstars ourselves.

He had a thing for music and was always attending auditions, and I was always there to cheer him up when he didn’t get picked. I’d make jokes about how he had a better chance at blowing up since he could sing, and we’d laugh about it, ending the conversation with how I’d probably be his manager or someone of importance on his team.

Fast forward to 2012, we gained admission into different universities. It felt like we were a step closer to our dreams as media guys without either of us feeling left behind. Meanwhile, we’d still not met in person. We had super strict parents who didn’t entertain visitors or allow us to go visiting. But this didn’t stop our friendship from blossoming. We texted and took advantage of the MTN Midnight call package.

But with uni came a lot more freedom.

Our schools were in different parts of Osun state. We talked about visiting each other’s schools on weekends and breaks, but 100 level was hectic for both of us. We were two Lagosians trying to settle in a new environment whilst facing the harsh reality that was university life. Even when we planned to travel back home together, our schedules never seemed to work out.

Let’s just say we didn’t see each other until 200 level when he visited me in school for a week.

Even though it was the first time we saw each other in person, it didn’t feel like that. I was more than happy to introduce him to my new friends. But more importantly, I really wanted to show him how I was fairing on our shared dream of being media superstars. So, I made sure he attended classes with me. I showed him around our studio and was excited to talk about assignments, projects and all that. He also shared some of his experiences with me, how he’d gotten a slot to present for the school radio.

It felt good, we were both on course.

I never made the trip to his school even though he visited me a couple more times. But, I did visit him at home in Lagos. His dad took a liking to me after our first meeting, and he didn’t have a problem with me visiting, especially since he’d occasionally walked in on us passionately talking about our future in the media.

We graduated from university in 2016. I went to NYSC before he did, but it didn’t matter because we still had our passing out service at the same time.

After NYSC, I was retained as a writer at my PPA while he got a gig as a presenter at an online radio station in Ogun state. We didn’t get jobs with Beat FM, Cool FM, Silverbird or Channels like we both dreamt, but in a way, it still felt like we were on course.

Except, a little part of me felt left behind. Something about my first job being a writing role didn’t fully align with our joint dream. He was a radio presenter, and it didn’t matter that it was an online station because he still got to interview celebrities. It was the first time he was a step ahead. But I didn’t let the thoughts linger, especially because we were actively applying for jobs in bigger media orgs. It felt reassuring that we were still on the hustle for the same thing.

In 2019, I got a better opportunity as a journalist with one of the big digital media orgs. My friend had returned to Lagos because the online radio thing in Ogun wasn’t working, and to be frank Lagos was the real eye candy. All the while, our friendship remained intact, and he was always so happy to read my stories. On my part, I wasn’t entirely happy because it felt like I was a step ahead and he was behind because he didn’t have a job. The goal had always been to move as a unit.

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Then, COVID happened in 2020, and he went into the lockdown jobless. I knew it wasn’t the prettiest period for him. I remember how he once broke down in tears during a phone call, and I didn’t quite know what to say. We’d had some vulnerable moments, but that was a lot to handle. I just stayed on the end of the call, and offered the overused “It is well”.

Now, you know how they say when life throws you lemons, you should lemonade? This was exactly what my friend did. Few months into lockdown, he started filming skits. He’d send them to me before posting and ask for my opinion. In all our years of friendship, I’d never really seen him as a comic, so I didn’t find the videos funny — at least, not CrazeClown or Taaoma funny. But it didn’t stop me from encouraging him and showing support by reposting, resharing and commenting.

Soon, what started as a lockdown hobby picked up significantly. His follower count went through the roof on social media. While I didn’t find him entirely funny, people online did. They were in his comments, they were reposting his videos on Twitter and Instastory. My friend was everywhere, and I couldn’t have been happier. He was no longer a step behind, we were on course to achieving our dreams as media boys.

By 2021, he’d fully taken his place among the new crop of lockdown creators. He’d gotten interviews with print and digital news outlets, and some appearances on TV. And the icing on a cake was when he landed an OAP job at one of the big media houses in Lagos. At this point, it became clear that he was on the fast lane to becoming a celebrity. Through all of these exciting changes, our communication remained pretty much the same. We’d chat on WhatsApp and Instagram, throw in occasional calls and even visit each other.

By late 2022, my friend became a full blown celebrity in his own right. He’d started hanging out with popular skitmakers. Celebrities were in his comment section laughing their asses off his videos, and he even interviewed some of them on his daytime job as an OAP.

At first, I refused to entertain thoughts that his new status would affect the dynamic of our relationship. I was constantly showing support in his DMs, and working to keep all our channels of communication alive. Instagram DMs, Whatsapp and Twitter DMs — all places were filled with chat histories that went back years. I’d sometimes quote old messages and we’d briefly reminisce about those times.

But soon, we started to have less and less things to talk about. Our conversation reduced to messages I’d send congratulating him about a new milestone or responses to his WhatsApp status. We both try to put up a front and act like we’re still the same buddies who had dreams of carving out a space for ourselves in the media, but the friendship isn’t what it used to be.

I’ve thought about talking to him on so many occasions. But you know how it is when people become famous. They sometimes put up a guard to protect themselves from people who feel entitled to being a part of their lives.

I’m scared of getting branded as an entitled friend. I mean, shouldn’t it be enough that I’m still on his close friends list on Instagram? That I can call him right now and he’d pick up the phone? That I can lay claim to being this celebrity’s gee and he’d co-sign. That I can show up at his place and he’ll let me spend the night? These privileges should be enough.

We still exchange messages across social media apps, but deep down, I know the friendship is hanging by a thread. At least, on my end. I fear that if I stop putting in the effort, the friendship is headed to its death. And he might not even notice because there’s so much exciting stuff happening in his life right now.

Read this next: All the Ways Friendship Breakups Are Worse Than Romantic Ones
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Toby and Shonnen became friends in 2013 through their love for games and anime. On today #ZikokoMyBro edition, these young men share their friendship story of watching anime together and playing online games to bridge the distance between them.

Over a decade of friendship

Toby: We’ve been friends for about ten years. But we were acquaintances three years before we actually became friends.

Shonnen: We’ve known each other since 2010, our first year of secondary school.

Toby: We became friends in JSS 3, when we found out we had things in common. We started hanging out to play games and then got into anime together.

He was already into anime, but I was quite new to it. I’d only watched one season of Naruto. So one day, I saw him exchanging a season of Naruto with a classmate of ours, and we got to talking about it. Then we started exchanging CDs and would talk about the episodes every chance we got.

Shonnen: Our love for anime and games brought us together. Naruto had a lot of seasons, and we couldn’t afford to buy them all, so we came up with the idea of buying different ones and swapping them. We used to swap PC games too.

Toby: Especially the role-playing ones.

Shonnen: The good old Naruto Base days. Life was so simple then.

Our first impression of each other

Toby: He was a cool kid, one of those who also wore ironed uniforms. He’s always had a crazy imagination, which drew us closer because we could concoct stories on paper and build storylines for days.

Shonnen: He was one of those loud and playful kids. I was playful too but nowhere near his level.

Toby: I became gentle later, but omo, I overplayed for a while.

Shonnen: But after we started sharing anime and playing games together, I realised he was more than just the loud classmate. I really got to know him as a person.

Toby: Over time, we both moved towards the midpoint of our extremes. I became a bit less playful, and he got a little more outspoken.

Growing up together

Shonnen: It was a lot of fun.

Toby: We always found ways to hang out, play games and have a lot of adventures together — we had crazy imaginations, so we created storylines and universes based on just words based roleplaying. We’d build a character and level it up well with nice characteristics and basically roleplay them in our imaginary world all with the words and texts we came up with.

Even after graduating from secondary school in 2015, we kept in touch online and reached out whenever we were home from uni.

Shonnen: Now, we have less time for fun with adult things to worry about. Also, I stayed back in Ibadan since I entered uni, while he frequents between IB and Osun state.

Toby: We don’t see each other as much because when I’m not in Osun state with my family, I’m on a work trip. But we keep in touch via online games and social media.

Shonnen: But distance only affects the time we spend having fun together, not our friendship itself. The connection is always intact whenever we link up.

Our friendship outside of anime and games

Shonnen: Our tastes in everything else are almost worlds apart.

Toby: Actually, they’re not completely different.

Shonnen: He’s like an Alan Walker (producer and electro pop DJ) guy, while I’m more of a Sufjan Stevens (alternative and rock/indie folk artist) guy. He listens to upbeat music generally, and I prefer calm and slow music — indie, alté and the likes.

Toby: That’s the summary. But we jam to the same music sometimes.

I’m more of a beat lover than a lyrics person. I’m more passionate about the symphony, beat and tempo of the whole song. It’s why I enjoy DJ fusions.

Shonnen: But our shared interest in anime and games, and the constant search for money, is what holds our friendship together. Hanging out once in a while just to game online or enjoy anime together is how we hold it together.

Toby: Our friendship is the type where, no matter how long it takes for us to hang out, we always pick up right where we left off. It never feels like we’ve not seen each other in a long time. We still know ourselves at the core; the things that brought us together are still very much things we are interested in.

Shonnen: And we discuss great money making ideas.

Getting used to a long-distance friendship

Toby: It gets weird sometimes. I feel like I might’ve missed a bunch of things that went on in his life, but when we get the chance to catch up, we talk about everything and get each other up to speed. It just comes naturally because we understand that we get busy. No matter how far apart we are, when we’re gaming, we feel like we’re in the same room.

Shonnen: We spent a lot of time growing up together, so a few months of not communicating is nothing.

Toby: We don’t see it as ghosting. We know we’re always a DM away. Chatting online feels almost the same as chatting in real life.

You came through for me

Toby: The first time I ever earned money, in 2020, he was the one who got me the gig.

I do crypto. There are a lot of times when it gets frustrating, like when I get hacked or lose a lot of money. He’s always there to encourage me, and sometimes, even lend me capital to start over.

Shonnen: One time in 2022, things were a little rough financially, and he put me on this arbitrage stuff — to gain from the difference in FX bank rate and black market rate — and I made enough money till things got better. We come through for each other whenever it’s needed.

What I’d change about you

Shonnen: Maybe have him make less noise, or tune his music taste to be a bit more similar to mine. I’d also change the amount of time we spend together.

Toby: I don’t want any changes. But if I had my way, things would remain the way they were when we were in secondary school. We plan hangouts every now and then, but it’s never enough. I travel a lot for work, and outside that, I split my time between Ibadan and visiting my family in Osun state. When I’m finally in Ibadan, I don’t feel like leaving home for weeks. It takes a lot of willpower to visit him.

Shonnen: We actually have a hangout planned. He should be in IB on Monday (July 17).

I want you to know

Toby: I always tell him everything I need to tell him without any sort of filter.

He doesn’t visit enough. I know your side is more active than mine, but I don’t always have to do the visiting.

Shonnen: I’ll visit more.

Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Nine and Mudi’s friendship started in 2019 with a similar taste for certain types of music. With over three years of friendship, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about ditching classes for their interests in crypto and tech, which has improved their standard of living.

Nine and Mudi

How long have you been friends?

Mudi: Four years. That was probably around 2019.

Nine: June, 2019 actually.

How did you meet?

Mudi: It was in uni. We stayed on the same hostel block.

Nine: And we’re both engineering students. We’ve seen each other in class and hostel.

What was the first connection?

Nine: It was our matric day. Both of us stayed back in the hostel (laughs).

Mudi: Yeah, I didn’t want to go for the matric. I woke up late and I saw somebody who also didn’t feel like going. I approached him and asked, “how far, you no go matric?” He said he’d go most likely later. Did he go? Find out next year.

Nine: (Laughs) Bro, that was like our first interaction. The whole matric vibe was dead. So we stayed back.

That was the only connection?

Mudi: When Post Malone’s Hollywood’s Bleeding album came out, I didn’t have a music player to jam it. But someone constantly played the music out loud on my hostel floor. I always wondered who it was because I really fuck with Posty’s music, then I went to check who the DJ was and turned out it was Nine.

Nine: So from there, we started talking about music and school.

Mudi: We skipped classes a lot too (laughs).

Nine: Sometimes I’d be in class, he’d be nowhere to be found. When I wake up sometimes, I often discover I’m not the only one sitting back in the hostel, Mudi is around too. We began spending time together.

Mudi: One time, a math test was coming up, so we went to the class. We didn’t understand a single thing the lecturer taught. We eventually left and did our first night class together to read for the course. That made us closer. My fellow unserious nigga.

Nine: We didn’t want to fail. We knew who sent us to school. Even though we’ve never liked school, we still wanted to try our best with it. And that’s how it has been until now. I think that’s a bond for us too.

Mudi: Thankfully we’re almost done. Just a year left.

What was your first impression of each other?

Mudi: He seemed cool, but I wasn’t sure until he interacted during the matric. He was a calm guy and he minded his business. The music too, no one was listening to Post Malone on the hostel floor that time.

Nine: Other guys would bash our taste.

Mudi: Na Naira Marley boys dey play for speaker. I’ve nothing against that, but I was happy immediately when I heard Post Malone from him. I was happy I wasn’t alone; like thank God o, make e no go be like na me be the only foreigner for this entire place.

Nine: It was just cool. The vibes were just right. Having someone that likes the same things as you, almost the same way you do, I couldn’t ask for more.

Apart from stabbing classes?

Mudi: We actually went through sapa together too.

Nine: Ah. Fuck. We don suffer before we begin soft. Now, things are better than good.

Mudi: We don dey soft small, I’ll not lie. ‘Cause previously, it was sick man. We’d be cooking spaghetti when it’s past 12 a.m because that was when we had money. Just two of us. It wasn’t funny, man.

Nine: It’s plenty o, but there was another mad phase in 100 level. We stayed away from parties because we couldn’t afford tickets. Other guys were there, not us.

Mudi: We no get 1k for ticket, even though we always dress nice. But there was no money. We’d tell each other about parties that were happening but we’d discourage each other from going.

Nine: We’d decide not to go. When people asked we just told them it’d be a boring party and kept it moving.

Mudi: When we stroll past the party venues, we’d just shake our heads. Because of 1k. The only parties we went to happened because I was part of the organisers and I quickly pocketed some tickets. Looking back at it now, it’s crazy. Now, we’re the ones hosting parties and running things.

What was your situation after 100 level?

Nine: Things got a bit better. We began staying together from 200 level till now. We went from hostel floormates to flatmates off campus. I moved out and he moved in with me.

Mudi: Aside from the music and truancy, we decided to grow together. It was like, this is what I’m doing at this point, what are you doing? Let’s make each other’s lives better. It was still rough, but way better than how we used to be.

How did you guys go from being broke to renting out an apartment off campus?

Mudi: Na bull run o. It saved our lives. That period, the prices of tokens were generally rising. There was more inflow of cash to the crypto market and that in turn yielded more profits on investments.

Nine: It was the bull run, man. We thank God.

Mudi: Nine actually introduced me to crypto. In fact, he had been eating good from it before I got into it. It was around the lockdown period. There was distance between us. I was in Lagos but we got talking and he gradually introduced me to it. And we started working hand-in-hand. Little money here and there served us.

Nine: We did stuff together to make money. We’re like the real life crypto bros. There’s also tech stuff. Mudi is a game developer. Got into tech before me. He taught me basic things I needed at that time. Supplied me tutorial materials and made sure I didn’t miss anything. I do UI/UX now.

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And how has it been?

Mudi: Omo, let me not lie, it’s hard sometimes. Trading coins, buying and selling NFTs, creating and running crypto projects, etc. Dem dey chop our eyes, we dey chop their eyes too sha. It’s wins and losses; steady wins, major losses. I remember how hard it was starting from the ground up a couple times. Same as getting back up from a couple of bad investments. The space is very unkind to whoever gives up and we just pull through with knowledge and experience.

Nine: It’s what has kept us not only afloat but majorly above what we should be running at this level. Nobody wants to hire an undergraduate for doing something they don’t know entirely and man has to feed, look good and still chest billings. I think we’ve been trying sha; learning, working and taking care of self. It’s been better.

How do you hold yourselves accountable?

Mudi: Hmm.. by being vocal. I don’t mind if disagreements probably come from it (we’d settle in few hours). Long as I let you know you’re know when you fuck up and need to do better. He knows me.

Nine: You know I’m the same way too, bro. In doing that and getting things off our chests, we also make sure no one has any pent up resentments or anger. Air out the grievances and make the other party knows how we can do better moving forward.

Mudi: Also, it’s harder than it seems most times because we regularly have to show up for both aspects of our lives (school and our individual career paths). The solution I put forward for us is to regularly have checks about school work outside our friendship. It helps us know what’s happening regarding school. For each other, we develop a reading schedule close to exams and tests and we get stuff done at least.

What holds your friendship together?

Mudi: We always stay in contact, whether we’re in the same area or not. We like to know what’s going on with each other, so there’s no information that’s lost between us at any point.

Nine: We don’t have major friends outside of each other. We’re secluded from school right now. Another thing, we don’t hide anything from each other. Nobody does something without telling the other person what they are up to. Just like the crypto and the tech thing. That’s how it is.

Mudi: I also think the drive for our friendship is fueled by our ability to be there for each other at any point; heartbreaks, finances, even school (laughs). As long as I know I have his back and he has mine, I’m good to go.

Any particular time the other person came through for you?

Mudi: There are countless times, but after we moved from the hostel to an apartment outside school, things were a bit slow for me because I’d just started getting into the crypto space. Nine helped me with funds, taking me through the baby steps, ensuring I was always in the know about what was happening, and helped me even when I needed help with cash.

Nine: There’s been a lot but there was a time I was sick and had to go home. We had a test in school, he took my test for me and submitted.

Mudi: Other things done for each other probably includes being wingmen for each other when it comes to getting women (laughs). Also basic house stuff like cooking and making sure the other person has something to eat when they get back from somewhere.

What would you change about each other and your friendship?

Nine: It’s the money sha. If we were richer, we’d be doing crazy things together.

Mudi: There are many things we’ve been dreaming of doing together. We’ve banging ideas but funds are necessary. Nothing happens when the money is low. I just hope we’ll work harder than we’re now, so that we can get to where we want to be.

Nine: There was a time we got supplies for clothing and made these custom lightning pants but we couldn’t continue with the mass production even though the final product was really nice. It’s little things like this that spark our desire to upgrade to better positions.

So it’s not just crypto and tech?

Mudi: No. We’ve a small fashion startup.

I create custom made fits and I also paint on clothes. The lightning pants were for my fashion brand. Nine handles the creative direction for the brand and also in general. It launched during the lockdown. I made a couple of products, particularly painted trousers for a few people and demos and we got good reviews.

Where do you see yourselves together in five years?

Mudi: Personally, I see myself managing Nine’s music career. Honestly I’d be content with that. He should blow up and I’ll manage his music. Funny thing, I didn’t even know he made music until later I heard some songs he did. I listened and loved them. Since then I’ve been telling him we’ve to push his music.

Nine: I see us making more money together, travelling the world and just achieving.

Music is just what I do when I am alone, tbh. It’s not really a major thing for me. That was why I hardly say anything about it. Most people still don’t know I make music. But I’ll work on being more visible.

What have you always wanted to tell each other?

Nine: Hmmm, it’s the usual sweet stuff we’ve always said na (laughs). Mudi is awesome, nice, cool and great. He knows I have his back anytime, though.

Mudi: Na macho man, he no dey do emotions.

As for me, what I always wanted to let him know is that I like how he works hard towards everything he gets his hands on. His attitude towards life is what I admire too. Although we can change and switch things up, for now this is it. Also, I want to thank him particularly for stuff he’s done for me in the past. I wouldn’t be here without him.

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My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Dubem and Felix have been friends for over 20 years, even though they didn’t speak to each other for almost a decade. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about starting a rap group as teenagers, falling for the same girl in university and the tragic loss that reunited them again in 2020.

Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?

Dubem: We attended the same secondary school back in 1997. Felix was my older brother’s school son. It was a boarding school, my first time away from home, and my brother introduced us because he wanted someone to look out for me.

Felix: You were supposed to be my school son even though I was in JSS 2. But I knew you’d give me plenty wahala from the moment we met.

What were your first impressions of each other?

Dubem: Felix was a busybody. I come from a strict home, so being in boarding school was my first taste of freedom. I was among the most popular boys in JSS 1, skipping class and attending every social night. However, Felix was always there to tattletale on visiting days. He’d come over to my family and play the tape of all I’d been doing. I couldn’t stand him.

Felix: I thought he was a spoiled brat. I come from a family where we didn’t have much, so I understood responsibility early on. He was wasting his time gallivanting around instead of focusing on school. In hindsight, that freedom to be himself away from home must’ve been an enormous relief. I admit that I took my school father thing a little too seriously.

It wasn’t until I got into SS 1 that we finally connected and became friends.

How did you guys connect?

Felix: Rap music.

Come again?

Felix: Yes, rap music o. This was the 1990s, and rap music was the biggest thing. Everyone thought they could be MCs, and I used to write bars and freestyle in private.

Dubem: I didn’t think he was cool until I heard him rapping DMX’s Get at Me Dog one day. I’ll never forget because DMX had just dropped Its Dark and Hell is Hot, and I was still learning his flow. This guy already knew everything word for word. I told him I was a DMX fan, and we started talking about rap.

Felix: I was shocked. I thought he’d be into the white pop music stuff, but this boy knew his shit when it came to rap, talking about Big Pun, Busta, Ice Cube and Dr Dre. We got so deep into the conversation that I did something I’d never done with anyone before, I shared some of my rap songs with him.

Dubem: I was blown away by how personal and tight they were. I gave him some of my mediocre bars, and we decided to start a rap group that day. We called ourselves Redemption Crew.

Like Rihanna fans say every day, “Where is the album?”

Felix: We didn’t put one out. Now that I think about it, our name sounds like that of a hip Pentecostal church choir. But it was hot back then, sha. We really thought we’d become big-time rappers.

Dubem: It’s not too late. We can resign and chase our dreams. Abi, what do you think?

Felix: That’s a hard pass for me, please. LOL.

So what happened to the Redemption Crew?

Dubem: We both went to UNILAG, fell in love with the same girl and everything scattered.

Back up. It’s a lie.

Felix: Unfortunately for all our potential fans, he’s telling the truth. We had a few popular songs in secondary school because we kept performing at social nights and parties. I eventually left for UNILAG in 2002, and Dubem came in a year later. University was different. The stakes were higher, and school was intense. Despite this, we still worked on the low and had plans to chase the rap thing once we were done.

Dubem: That was until I met Ebele. My first girlfriend in university and the first girl I ever loved. She was in her first year, just like me, and we had an elective course together. It was love at first sight for me, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to go out with me. We started dating, and my life was perfect.

Felix: I met Ebele through Dubem and didn’t think too much of her. They shared an elective, but she was in my department, so I saw her more often. We only started talking because of Dubem, and it was surface-level. However, when they started having problems, she came to me, and the conversations changed.

Dubem: Our problems started about a year into our relationship. I got involved with some weird guys and started struggling with school work. Instead of finding a solution, I took it out on her by being distant. I’d stay with these guys and disappear for weeks. It was my fault. I was also distant from Felix. I pushed you guys towards each other.

Felix: My friendship with Ebele started from our mutual complaints about Dubem. It helped that we both had someone to share the stress this man was putting us through. He eventually got his shit together, but it was too late because she was over it. I’m his friend, so I was still there.

Felix, how did your relationship with Ebele become romantic?

Felix: It started in 2005 when I was in my final year, and almost two years after they were together. Ebele and I had gotten closer, but I didn’t even know how much I liked her until she kissed me while I was tutoring her. We both felt guilty about that kiss, but our feelings had become undeniable. I couldn’t lie to myself or my friend. Dubem had to know.

Dubem: I knew about their friendship and thought it was cool, but kissing? I lost my shit when he told me. He didn’t date anyone all the time he was in school, and now that he finally decided to see someone, he chose my ex? I was livid. I started replaying scenarios in my head. Had he been playing me from the start? Did he always want my babe?

Felix: I explained how our feelings grew as best as I could, and just sat there and let him have a go at me. I deserved it. What I’d done was horrible, but I was tired of running away from how I felt.

How did you guys figure it out?

Dubem: I stopped talking to both of them. I couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t owe it to them to pretend that I was okay with it. I’d lost my best friend and a girl that was special to me, all at the same time. It was hard. And then I heard Felix moved abroad, which sealed it for me. We were done. RIP Redemption Crew.

Felix: Lagos, scratch that; Nigeria, wasn’t big enough for us after what I did. I felt so embarrassed. I’d become that guy who breaks bro code and gets with his friend’s ex. I had to move far away from those who knew us, so I pursued my master’s in America. Ebele came to join me, and we got married in 2008.

Dubem: I heard about their wedding from his cousin, which reopened the wound. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be in the same room with him again. We didn’t see or talk again for 13 years until I got a call from Ebele after the lockdown in 2020.

What was the call about?

Dubem: She called to tell me that they’d lost their son in the height of the pandemic, my friend was a wreck, and they were moving back to Nigeria. I was shocked when I realised who I was speaking to. The Ebele I knew was soft-spoken, but this Ebele was direct and uncompromising. She didn’t beg me to show up for my friend; she told me to.

Felix: That’s Ebele for you. She’s always in control. But yes, that loss took me to a dark place. I had built a life in Texas, but I knew it was time to come back to the life I knew here. Losing my son in a place where my support system was shallow changed my perspective on coming home. I knew it was time, but I immediately started feeling anxious about Dubem, and I think my wife sensed that.

She eventually told me she’d spoken to him and set up a meeting for when we returned to Lagos.

How did this meeting go?

Dubem: I’m not ashamed to say there was a lot of crying. I’m a dad too, so I could connect to what they were both going through. These two people still matter to me regardless of what happened in university. Seeing Felix like that, I wanted to be there for him.

Felix: I was sweating a lot the day he came over to our place. Seeing him again brought back all the memories of writing lyrics in our notebooks and planning our lives together. It felt like I was in boarding school again. I didn’t know how much I’d missed him until I saw him.

Regardless of how I felt, I knew it was important to talk about what happened if we were going to move on from it.

Dubem: I think he wanted to be sure I wouldn’t randomly stab him one day . LOL. The talk was necessary sha. He apologised again and spoke for hours. But honestly, I’d moved on. I loved Ebele, but we were never meant to be, and that’s fine. I’m married to the love of my life. I’ve never been happier.

So how’s your relationship now?

Felix: We’re in a great place. We were intentional about not rushing into anything or overwhelming each other. We had the occasional family Sunday dinners and slowly graduated to hanging out alone and doing things together. I was scared we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other when we were alone, but we still had much in common. And most importantly, we still love each other.

Dubem: We always have something to talk about, Felix. We’re still the same guys who loved DMX in school, it’s just that you have some grey hairs, which makes you old, and you also think Pusha T is a better rapper than Kendrick Lamar.

Felix: But he is.

Dubem: I think that’s what our kids call a red flag.

With so much history between you two, would you change anything about your friendship?

Dubem: The time we spent apart. I wish we’d spent it getting to know each other better as we got older. We were apart for most of our 30s, and that’s time we’ll never get back again.

Felix: True. I would’ve loved to meet Dubem, the first-time dad.

Dubem: No, please. That was a crazy time. That girl wouldn’t stop crying and shouting everywhere we went. I always looked like a madman.

Here’s a link

What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

Dubem: I know a part of you still carries some guilt because of what happened in school, but I want you to know that I forgive you. I meant it when I said it in 2020, and I mean it now. I’m so happy to have you back in my life. I can see us in our 80s arguing about rap music over glasses of scotch. You’re my man, and I’ll always have your back.

Felix: Thank you, Dubby. You’ve made moving back home such a seamless process; there’s no way it would’ve worked without you. I love you, and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. Your authenticity has been consistent since the day we met, and it’s one of the few things I can always count on, no matter what.

No, I’m not crying.

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My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Michael and Faith’s friendship started with a not-so-random DM on Facebook in 2016. With over five years in this friendship thing, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about surviving health challenges together, maintaining transparency when helping each other financially, and how they deal with Michael’s tendency to disappear without telling his friend.

Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?

Michael: I met Faith on Facebook in 2016 when the app was still popping. We both wrote poems and were part of the same writing community. Our interactions were limited to the comment section until Faith DM’ed me one day.

Faith: Ah, I remember. I’d been reading your work and sent a DM saying, “Baba, you dey write gan.”

Michael: I’m reading that message now and cringing because I replied, “Good evening, sir.” You asked me how to publish your poem somewhere, and I kept adding “sir” to all my messages. I don’t even know why I was being so extra.

What was your first impression of the other person?

Faith: I thought he was very intelligent. I’d read this thought-provoking essay he wrote about LAUTECH being on strike and how no one was doing anything about it. He had his way with words that allowed him to express even the most complex thoughts with a sense of clarity. I also liked that one minute, he could be writing something like that, and the next, he’s writing something about all power belongs to your bumbum with the same passion.

Michael: What do you mean by that? I thought you were noisy. You were everywhere, and your comments were on everybody’s posts. Let’s not even get into your Facebook name; “Emmanuel GodHonoursMe Faith”. Bro, are you the only one God is honouring? LOL.

Another thing that stuck out to me was the way you used words. You used to blow big grammar like Wole Soyinka in the most random conversations. I thought that was really cool.

When did your relationship move from admiring each other’s writing to an actual friendship?

Michael: We met for the first time and started getting close when I got admission to his university. Faith was in his second year, and I was in my first. We attended the same campus fellowship, and over time I started hanging out in his room since I had 20 roommates. Plus, he used to cook a lot. We became close during the period I was eating free food and hanging out in his room.

So basically, you were like an Abuja man hanging out for food and shelter?

Michael: You know what? That’s understandable. I started hanging out with him for basic human needs. LOL

Faith: No, let me defend you small. I made food for almost everyone because I was a fellowship big bro. Remember you used to call me “Sir”?

My turning point in our relationship was when I fell sick that day in school. I never fall sick, but my village people caught me this time, and I broke down. Michael was the first person on my mind to call. He came over, took me to the health centre and stayed with me through everything. He also checked up on me and cooked during that whole period. He took care of me. That ordeal unlocked something for me, and I knew this guy had become my friend.

Michael: So I’ve saved you from untimely death? I’ve tried for you, sha.

Michael, outside of food, can you remember when Faith really came through for you?

Michael: When I first moved to Lagos after university, me and being broke were like five and six. Faith was more shocked when I didn’t come to borrow money than when I showed up to beg. But the money wasn’t really the moment for me. My favourite come-through moment was when I fell sick.

You too?

Michael: Yes, o! In 2021 I was really sick and needed to undergo a severe procedure. It was a terrifying moment in my life when I was like, “Maybe I’ll see God in a few seconds”, and Faith was right there by my side. I fall sick often, so I’m used to hospitals. On the other hand, Faith rarely falls sick, so hospitals make him very uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be in a hospital but was there for me. I was sick, but I was pitying him. Lol

Faith: I followed you to the hospital because I know you, and you have a habit of just putting your phone on do not disturb while everyone else is worried about you. I’m always concerned about you, so I felt it’d be better to go with you and be updated in real-time. Nothing prepared me for all the medical equipment and terms I heard during that period sha. Plus, I was the only one your mum could reach. It was worth it when you got better.

Regarding coming through for me, I’m grateful to Michael for always telling me the truth. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I’m doing well and I’m one of the baddest when it comes to what I do, so it’s important to have someone who can pull me aside and keep me in check. Michael will explain a situation to me, and I’ll realise I was the one that messed up. He’ll still call me out today even if I sent him money yesterday.

I also feel comfortable talking to Michael about everything. Most people don’t have that in their friendship.

Money has come up a couple of times now, and how as to how it might affect your friendship?

Michael: First of all, Faith has a lot more money than me, so money can’t even be a problem for us. LOL. But seriously, it all boils down to transparency and being honest with one another. Faith knows how much I make, and I know how much he makes. I can’t ask him for anything that’ll inconvenience him, and he also knows when I’ll be able to pay back based on how much I make. We’ve refused to allow money to become a big deal in our friendship.

Faith: The transparency part is important. If Michael asks me for money twice a month, I’ll know there’s a serious problem and follow up before he tells me, “Oh, he had to send money home” or something like that. But another thing is knowing our financial capacities because we only make big financial decisions with the other person knowing. Michael keeps me in check when it comes to spending. This guy once spent N5k from Monday to Friday. I don’t know how he did it.

Michael: I’m not even trying to be frugal. I don’t know what I’m spending money on if I have food and water at home. You’re always going out, while I’m usually in my house, so it makes sense that you spend more money than me.

Outside of knowing each other’s finances down to the last penny, what’s another unconventional part of your friendship?

Faith: We’re very open about how much we love each other and unafraid to say it anywhere from the middle of Ikeja City Mall (ICM) to bus parks and emails.

Michael: Not you listing some of the places I’ve told you “I love you.”

Faith: The one at ICM is funny because you said it loudly in a restaurant after I bought you rice. Everyone was staring at us. It was embarrassing but beautiful.

Another unconventional thing about our friendship is that we write to each other a lot. Not texting, but writing via email to catch up and share how much we mean to each other. This guy can ghost everyone for a long time, but every time I write, he responds.

Ghosting in friendship again? Michael, please explain

Michael: I’ve ruined a lot of potential friendships because I suck at responding to messages and social media. Instant messaging doesn’t make sense because I can’t keep up with talking to multiple people at once about different things. Many people don’t get it and assume I just don’t rate them. That whole thing on Twitter about “People make time for people they care about”. It’s not about time; messaging is just not my thing.

What I love about my relationship with Faith is that he gets it. We don’t always text, but we talk via long emails. I can send a mail on Monday and not get a response until the following Monday, but that’s totally fine. I know he’s still there for me. Constantly talking doesn’t validate our friendship.

Faith, how did you get comfortable with this communication style since it’s not the most conventional in friendships?

Faith: It was a bit challenging initially, but I had to learn that not everyone will be like me. Not everyone has the energy to fill up a room or talk on the phone for 30 minutes straight. It doesn’t make them any less amazing.

I know Michael trusts and feels safe with me, so he’ll come around on his own terms. Just because he’s nowhere to be found doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me. He’s disappeared so many times only to send a bottle of wine or the hardcover of a book he thinks I’d like. People are different.

Michael: I’m a great friend if you manage your communication expectations. Faith gets it, and that’s why we work well.

Faith: We’re on the same wavelength. He can disappear today, but when he returns, he can take up six hours of my time.

Six hours, doing what?

Faith: We’ve watched a TV show virtually before, episode by episode. We also read together virtually at the same time. I’ll ask what page he’s on, and we’ll read together. If we poured this energy into dating, we wouldn’t be single. LOL.

Would you consider changing something about your friendship or the other person?

Michael: I wish we saw each other more, but that’s on me. Faith is always available while I’m usually in my house, hiding or working. Then, for Faith, I’d like you to please calm down more often because it’s not everything or everyone that deserves the amount of emotional strength you put into them. Don’t you like peace, joy and happiness? These are things you could imbibe. Your gragra is too much.

Faith: I totally agree with the second one. My emotions are always all over the place. For our friendship, I’d like us to have more money so Michael can spoil me with trips to Abuja—

Michael: Abuja? That’s your holiday destination? I need to unfriend you after this.

Faith: Oya, let’s do Venice or Bali. Regarding what I’d like to change about you, I’ll say it’s the ghosting thing, but not for me, for our other friends. I’m already used to you disappearing, but most of our mutual friends don’t get it, so they become worried, and I have to reassure them that you’re good. Drop a message for them that says, “Hi guys. I’ll be disappearing for three days. Cheers.”

Michael: I don’t plan it. But I’m trying to be better.

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What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

Michael: I want us to write more. Our emails are some of my most treasured possessions in the world. I love how we write each other those long emails, and I want more of that.

Faith: I’m so proud of how you’ve hacked capitalism. You used to hate it, but now you’re killing it. I love seeing that growth. I’m so so proud of you.

Michael: That’s so sweet. Look at you being a sweet person.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Josh and Kelechi became friends after they both participated in a threesome. Now five years into their friendship, the two talk about the interesting sexual encounter that brought them together, bonding over therapy and why boundaries are important even in an unconventional friendship like theirs.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. How did you guys meet?

Kelechi: I met Josh in 2018. I was in my second year of university while he was in his third and dating a girl in my class. I didn’t really know him, but their relationship was popular because both of them were the king and queen of PDA on campus. You wouldn’t see one without the other; they were always holding hands or kissing.

Josh: What can I say? We were in love. I’d seen you around too, but I only started paying attention when my girlfriend started talking about this cute guy in class she wanted us to hook up with. She had a crush on you, but I needed to know more if we were both going to pursue something with you.

Pursue something?

Kelechi: Josh and his girlfriend are in an open relationship, although they’re only allowed to be with the same person. Guy, please explain it yourself.

Josh: LOL. You’ve dropped the basic synopsis of our situation. The full gist is that my girl and I are open, but we only hook up with thirds. We’re not allowed to see other people separately. If I like someone, then two of us must like the person and vice-versa. It’s also purely sexual, no feelings attached.

My girl liked Kelechi back then, so I had to scope the guy on my own too. You’re a fine guy, so it didn’t take too much convincing. Getting you on board was surprisingly easy too. But I can still remember the shock on your face when we told you we wanted to sleep with you.

Kelechi: Bruh. Let me not lie and say I was a saint or anything. But I’d never been in a threesome, much more being approached by a couple to have one. I liked your girlfriend too, but I didn’t overthink it since she wasn’t available. She asked me to hang out after class, and that’s when you made the proposition. I thought it was a prank.

Josh: Prank as per you’re on Punk’d? You really think you’re a celebrity for real.

Kelechi: My friend, shut up. I had to pick my jaw up from the floor that day. My brain told me to say “No”, but I watched myself say, “Yes”.

Josh: Omo, I was shocked, too o. That was the fastest “Yes” we’d ever gotten. Most people would ask to think about it and either come back for some *cough cough* or start avoiding us. But you said “Yes” on the first ask. Why?

Kelechi: I don’t know. But there was something about the both of you — being the hottest couple in school and all, wanting me that immediately turned me on. I also felt really special, like I was chosen.

Josh: DFKM

How did this friendship form from your threesome?

Josh: Like Omawunmi once sang, “If you ask me, na who I go ask?”

Kelechi: Behave, jare. I was too irresistible for just a one-night stand. You needed me to be a part of your life.

Josh: Honestly, yes. The sex was great, and all three of us enjoyed it, but the conversation after really struck me, and I was like, “This boy is cool AF”.

What did you guys talk about?

Kelechi: Therapy.

Josh: That’s not a topic anyone would expect to hear, especially when the people involved just had a spicy threesome. But I’d just started therapy, and when Kelechi joked about telling his therapist about us, I just started pouring my whole life’s story to him.

This was the first time I was meeting another guy who was in therapy. I’m sure there are other guys, but I’d never seen someone who was that open to talking about it. It started from jokes about how therapy is expensive AF and making us poor, and then we just segued into how helpful it’s been for us.

Kelechi: Do you get? I’d be more of a mess if it wasn’t for therapy. I have a serious anxiety issue and most Nigerians don’t even take it seriously. People think I’m lazy or avoidant. Therapy helped me figure out the problem and learn how to confront it.

Talking to another guy who knew something was wrong and was taking the necessary steps to fix it reaffirmed my decision.

Josh: Me too. My girl and I usually keep a distance from our thirds unless we’re planning a hook-up, but I started hanging out with you more, and it was just what I needed. She supported me but didn’t get the therapy thing. And that’s fine. I also needed to be around someone who could relate on a personal level.

Was your girlfriend okay with that?

Josh: Not at first, but I think she also understood that the sex thing with Kelechi was more her than me. My girl is my best friend, so I didn’t have a lot of friends in school I could talk to. I made her understand that I needed Kelechi on a friendship level and it didn’t have anything to do with her not being enough.

Kelechi: This guy and sweet mouth. “Anything to do with her not being enough”? Bars, my guy.

Josh: I dey try. But it really wasn’t. My entire existence was wrapped around one relationship in my life, and it wasn’t fair on her. It’s also part of why I started seeing a therapist. I needed people to talk to.

It’s been five years, and I’m curious how your friendship has evolved.

Josh: I realised a couple of months into our friendship that I was doing to Kelechi what I did to my girlfriend, making them the centre of my world. Like, I was talking to just two of them, and I know it’s good to keep my circle small, but it doesn’t mean I should suffocate the people in it. Kelechi was also too polite to ask for space. Now we have these difficult conversations and draw boundaries where necessary.

Kelechi: I’m a people pleaser, and I wanted to be a good friend, so it was hard for me to say, “Oh, I feel you dude. But I can’t process your stuff now because my life’s a mess.”

We enjoy talking to each other, and it’s helped to have someone to listen to and bounce ideas off of, but that boundary thing was necessary. Then again, how do you set boundaries in such a complicated friendship?

Josh: Talking about it. Shoutout to my therapist because she was the one who pointed out how in trying to be each other’s person, there was a high chance we might lose ourselves. I brought it up with Kelechi, and we had that conversation. We have an “I’m at my mental capacity” safeword. I know he wants to be there for me, and me, him, but we also had to learn how to be there for ourselves once in a while.

You guys seem so zen. Do you even fight?

Kelechi: It’s hard to fight with someone who doesn’t like confrontation. Whenever we almost have an issue, Josh will apologise whether he was right or wrong. I admire it, but it can be annoying.

Josh: Wow. But it’s because I love you, bro. I genuinely don’t like people being upset at me. Plus, we’ve never had an issue worth fighting over. Our only problems are you always being late and me taking five years to text back sometimes.

Kelechi: Fair enough.

Is there anything you’d change about your friendship?

Josh: I wish we met earlier. I don’t regret how we met, and I wouldn’t change it, but I wish we got into each other’s lives earlier. You’ve made me more open to receiving non-romantic love. I can’t help but wonder sometimes how many friends and relationships I missed early on in life because I was closed off.

Kelechi: I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even timing. We met when we needed to meet, and it worked out well. I’d change your detty love for amala though. That right there is a character flaw. LOL.

Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

Kelechi: I’m open with how I feel about you and your importance to me. I love you, and If I had to choose a best friend in another life, even if I were a dog, I’d choose you.

Josh: A dog? Be calming down. But I love you too, and I’m grateful you’re in my corner. I don’t know how I’d do this life thing without you. You and my babe are the only ones I’d actually get in a fight for. Everyone else O.Y.O is their case.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Tobi and Sadiq first met in 2001 but only became friends after an event changed their lives in 2020. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, the two talk about how they navigate their complicated 14-year age difference and the feeling of abandonment that comes with saying goodbye when someone you love japas.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane with your origin story

Tobi: I can confidently say I’ve known this one since he was a baby because I met him when he was four. This was 2001, and I was roommates in university with Umar, his brother, so I’d come over to their place when I met “Junior”.

Sadiq: Bro, why would you tell everyone that? No one calls me Junior again.

Tobi: Does your dad know this? Because—

Anyway, I don’t think he even remembers that day. Do you?

Sadiq: I was four, of course I don’t remember. But I remember you always came around our house when I was growing up. Because of the age gap between my brother and me, you naturally looked more like his brother than I did then.

What were your first impressions of each other?

Tobi: I thought he was clingy. It makes sense to now because I understand he was a child and only had his brother and parents. But I was an only child forced to be independent super early, so I didn’t get why he wanted to follow Umar and me everywhere. He was like this pest we couldn’t get rid of.

Sadiq: I just thought you guys were so cool. My parents will deny it, but I was a mistake; they only wanted one child. They had me when my brother was almost done with secondary school, so everyone around me was older. I also didn’t like kids my age because they were boring. I wanted to be a grown-up, so I attached myself to you and my brother.

Tobi: My own that time was this small boy was cock-blocking us. We’d want to go out, and his mum would say, “Can you guys take Sadiq too? He wants to go.” I couldn’t stand him.

So what changed?

Tobi: Time. The older he got, the less annoying his presence was. By the time he was a teenager, I had started to think, “Okay, maybe this kid is cool.”

Sadiq: You think I’m cool? Thank God we’re recording this because I’ll save this quote and use it whenever you try to yab me, especially my fashion choices.

Tobi: Enjoy the compliment while it lasts. You’ll only get it once every five years moving forward.

When did you guys become close?

Sadiq: We’ve always been close, but we got even closer after my brother moved abroad with his family in 2020.

Tobi: 2020 was a challenging year for everyone. But for me, it was Covid, switching careers after years of being miserable, #EndSARS and then my best friend packed his bags and japa’ed. It was the worst year of my life.

Damn

Tobi: As an only child, I was used to doing things on my own until I met Umar. We were roommates, and even though he forced a friendship on me, he quickly became the brother I never had. We’d study and party together, and even when we left school, we ensured we lived close together.

Nothing prepares you for what it’s like to say goodbye to someone who was a big part of your life. Umar mentioned wanting to leave Nigeria, but the protests were the tipping point. It’s ironic because it further strengthened my resolve to stay in Nigeria. I miss him, but then I had to quickly use Sadiq as a replacement. LOL

Sadiq: I was about to say this gist is about our friendship, not you and my brother. Na wa o. But yes, Umar leaving was a lot for everyone. But imagine someone successfully getting everything they need to go, and you’re like, “Oh, I feel sad or angry that you’re leaving”? I couldn’t really express the sense of abandonment I felt at the time with anyone until we hung out the weekend after he left.

Tobi: That was the night we connected on a deeper level. Or maybe it was just the edibles. Either way, a connection sha happened.

What did you guys talk about?

Tobi: Maybe it was because of alcohol and edibles, but after some small talk, I found myself opening up about how angry I was about Umar leaving. Just like Sadiq, I felt abandoned, but I also felt guilty for even feeling that way. Like, what right did I have?

Sadiq: Exactly. I felt guilty AF. Talking to you about it and knowing you felt the same way made it okay for me to acknowledge my feelings and eventually move from them.

I wasn’t sure how I’d function as a whole with my brother so far away, but I felt a lot better after our conversation. It was like I’d just gotten a new big bro that I could disturb and embarrass regularly.

Tobi: If only you knew I’d be the one embarrassing you. LOL.

That conversation changed the way I looked at him. I’d always seen Sadiq as my best friend’s baby bro, but I saw him as a man in that moment. It wasn’t just an older and younger dynamic anymore. I felt we could be genuine friends.

Aww. How did you guys navigate this new friendship?

Tobi: It was weird at first, especially for me. I felt like I was cheating on Umar when we hung out without him. Plus, people, especially my partner found it odd that I always hung out with someone old young to be my son. She was a major opposition to our friendship, but it’s been two years now and she’s gotten used to him.

We have other friends, so it’s not like we desperately sought a connection. But I also wanted to put in the effort to have a relationship with him, separate from his brother. It helps that we both have a lot in common. No one loves to turn up more than both of us.

Sadiq: Please, don’t lie. We’re not the same. How is this man 40, and I, the guy in his 20s, that has to remind him that we have a home every time we go out? I love a good night out, but Tobi loves a good night into day outing. LOL

Tobi: What can I say? I love a good time. But outside of going out, we spend a lot of time talking too. From relationships to work, we always try to talk things out. I mean, I’m the reason his relationship has lasted this long. My golden advice has always been, “Don’t argue; just listen to her.” I better get a shoutout at your wedding.

Sadiq: Please, when did I mention marriage? Don’t set me up abeg.

Becoming friends with him has made it easier for me to be honest in our conversations. That whole big brother thing created boundaries. Like he said, I’m not the best at relationships, but Tobi has been in one since World War I, so he has a lot of experience and is never afraid to call me out on my bullshit. He looks out for me like an older brother, but he’s also non-judgemental like a friend. That’s the sweet spot.

Tobi: World War I, abi? Well done.

Sadiq is very stubborn, and I’m just like that too. But having him in my life has taught me to be patient. Both of us can’t be the assholes here, so we take turns. He also calls me out on some of my BS, like my drinking, which I’ve cut down on since we started hanging out. I’m learning from him that it’s possible to have fun and still remember the fun I had by the time I woke up the next day.

How does Umar feel about this friendship?

Tobi: He finds it funny since I was very anti-Sadiq when he was younger. But he’s glad we have each other. He’s always complaining about FOMO on our group chat.

What holds your friendship together?

Sadiq: Mutual respect. Tobi doesn’t treat me like a child, and that’s important to me. I’ve always felt like the “baby” for the longest time, so it’s great to have someone older who doesn’t reduce my opinions or experience to age.

Tobi: Eyah, Junior. My boy. For me, it’s honesty. I like that he doesn’t judge me or see me as someone who should know everything. There’s this perception that once you’re in your 30s, you need to have life figured out. But I’m 40 now, and I’m still figuring shit out. I like that our friendship gives me space to do that. He doesn’t look at me like an agbaya.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

Sadiq: I was always jealous of your friendship with Umar because I thought you guys were cool. Now that I’m older and have my own relationship with you, I understand that I admired the loyalty you guys had. Thank you for sharing that loyalty with me. Thank you for stepping up when I needed someone in my life. I know you don’t like sappy stuff, but I love you plenty.
Tobi: Did you just turn me into that “I’m not a stepfather; I’m the father that stepped up” meme? Jesus. You already know I love you. One thing I don’t say a lot is how proud I am of you. I was doing a lot more when I was your age, yes. But you’re doing well right now, and watching you kill it in your career, relationship, and life gives me so much joy.

Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.

“He changed the course of my career with his advice” — Tomi*, 30

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“He pushed me hard to apply for the scholarship that changed my life” — Dayo*, 29

“He became my safest space” – Daniel*, 30

“He has never made me feel like a burden” — Akin*, 27

“He inspired me to overhaul my value system completely” — Banji*, 30

1. “You still alive, or should I start auditioning for a new best man?”

2. “Bro, you sef go gym today?”

3. “Man, how’s life treating you? You know I’m here if you ever need to vent or laugh about how crazy things are.”

4. “Still chasing your dreams or have you settled for being my personal hype man?”

5. “Drop location. Let’s eat.”

6. “You dey owe me gist. What’s going on?”

7. “How’s that thing we don’t talk about going?”

8. “Remember to be a bad bitch today, baby boy.”

9. “When was the last time you took a break and treated yourself, big man? You deserve it.”

11. “Just wanted to say you’re doing great, even if life isn’t giving you gold stars right now.”

11. “How’s your mental health, bro? Like, for real. No pretending to be a gangster today.”

12. “You still owe me that PS5 match.”

13. “You know you can text me at any hour, right? Just don’t call me before 9 a.m., I’ll still be asleep.”

Nimi*, 32

Dami, 30

Ayo, 31

Oluwatosin, 28

David, 26

Over a decade of friendship

Our first impression of each other

Growing up together

Our friendship outside of anime and games

Getting used to a long-distance friendship

You came through for me

What I’d change about you

I want you to know

How long have you been friends?

How did you meet?

What was the first connection?

That was the only connection?

What was your first impression of each other?

Apart from stabbing classes?

What was your situation after 100 level?

How did you guys go from being broke to renting out an apartment off campus?

And how has it been?

How do you hold yourselves accountable?

What holds your friendship together?

Any particular time the other person came through for you?

What would you change about each other and your friendship?

So it’s not just crypto and tech?

Where do you see yourselves together in five years?

What have you always wanted to tell each other?

My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?

What were your first impressions of each other?

How did you guys connect?

Come again?

Like Rihanna fans say every day, “Where is the album?”

So what happened to the Redemption Crew?

Back up. It’s a lie.

Felix, how did your relationship with Ebele become romantic?

How did you guys figure it out?

What was the call about?

How did this meeting go?

So how’s your relationship now?

With so much history between you two, would you change anything about your friendship?

What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

No, I’m not crying.

My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?

What was your first impression of the other person?

When did your relationship move from admiring each other’s writing to an actual friendship?

So basically, you were like an Abuja man hanging out for food and shelter?

Michael, outside of food, can you remember when Faith really came through for you?

You too?

Money has come up a couple of times now, and how as to how it might affect your friendship?

Outside of knowing each other’s finances down to the last penny, what’s another unconventional part of your friendship?

Ghosting in friendship again? Michael, please explain

Faith, how did you get comfortable with this communication style since it’s not the most conventional in friendships?

Six hours, doing what?

Would you consider changing something about your friendship or the other person?

What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?

My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. How did you guys meet?

**Nimi*,** 32