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  • Some job titles instantly give women the ick before a single date can even happen. Not because the pay is bad or the work is unserious, but because dating Nigerian men in those industries has already given them premium headache. 

    From insane schedules to red-flag community behaviour, these careers have simply been blacklisted from romance. We asked Nigerian women to speak on the professions that instantly repel them from a potential lover, and they had interesting responses.

    “DJs and their unstable schedules are totally off limits” — Sarah*, 30

    After a brush with someone in nightlife, Sarah swore off anyone whose job involves late nights and endless parties.

    “If I hear you’re a DJ, I’m instantly friend-zoning you. I know what my eyes have seen. 

    In 2021, I dated a DJ who played at one of my favourite pregame spots. It was great at first: he had money and took me to fun places. But a few weeks in, I realised I’d bitten off more than I could chew.

    He was always outside. If he wasn’t playing a gig, someone was inviting him to chill at 2:00 am, and he’d expect me to come along. I work a 9-5, so it ruined my sleep schedule. Then there were the women who threw themselves at him, even in my presence. The worst part? He wouldn’t turn them down directly because he “didn’t want to be rude.” 

    One night, he left me at a smoke-filled house party with strangers to go pick up a friend.  He didn’t return for two hours. I was so tired the next day, I had to admit to myself it wasn’t sustainable, and I broke things off. I didn’t even have the energy to be sad. I first slept the entire weekend to recover my sanity.

    Now, I know I can’t handle it. I can be friends with a DJ, but I’ll definitely never date one again.”

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    “I can’t date anyone in the military” — Modupe*, 25

    For Modupe, one look at her uncle’s marriage was enough reason to blacklist men in uniform.

    “I’m not interested in dating any military personnel. In fact, the moment I hear you’re a paramilitary or have desires to join the army, I’m checking out.

    It’s mostly because of how I saw my uncle treat my aunt. He’d punish her like a child—, asking her to kneel and raise her hands like a baby. I can’t let anyone treat me like that. He also didn’t allow her to have any decision-making power in their relationship. 

    Another big issue was his constant absence. My aunt complained about wanting to grow their family, but couldn’t because he was always being deployed somewhere. Plus, imagine the constant worry of not knowing if your partner will come back home alive or in one piece.

    Abeg, it’s too much stress. Let the soldiers carry their wahala away from me.”

    “I have no desire to be ‘Mummy G.O.’” — Demilade*, 29

    After growing up as a pastor’s kid, Demilade has no intention of dating a man of God herself.

    “My dad pastors a small church in Ibadan, and let me tell you, I can never be with a spiritual leader. He wasn’t a bad father, but he was always emotionally drained. People came to him for prayers, advice, financial assistance, and deliverance. It never ended.

    It was a bit better when I was younger, before phones became more popular. But now? If it’s not a WhatsApp call asking to pray over a job interview link, it’s someone who has roped him into midnight prayers to fight against one spiritual battle or another. He takes it like a champ, but I’ve seen how it made him too tired to give the same attention to my mum or my siblings. It’s as if we support him to properly cater to his flock.

    I admire his work and dedication, but I knew for a long time that I’d never be happy partnering with someone like that. So when suitors talk to me, especially fellow Christians, one of my first questions is, “Do you plan to start your own ministry?” I need to know what I’m signing up for. I don’t want Mummy G.O wahala.”

    “I will never date a doctor again” — Faridah*, 30

    After dating a boyfriend she hardly ever saw, Faridah has sworn off doctors for life.

    “When I moved to Lagos in 2022, I met a handsome doctor at a bar, and soon after, we started seeing each other regularly. He was kind, sweet, and funny, but my main issue was that we hardly ever saw each other. 

    He was an OB-GYN, so most of his patients were pregnant women. That meant he could be called back to the hospital at any time— in the middle of the night, on a date, early in the morning; it didn’t matter. If the baby was coming, my man had to be there. 

    I admire his work, but I wasn’t having my emotional needs met. If he wasn’t at the hospital, he was sleeping. It was hard to say I felt neglected without sounding insensitive. It’s not like he was partying or slacking off; he was working.


    After we had to postpone our Valentine’s date in 2023, I knew I had to make the difficult decision to break up, which I did in April. I think you need to be very understanding to date someone like that, and I’m just not that person.”

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    “I can’t take a hypeman seriously” — Sade*, 27

    Sade hasn’t dated one, but she’s convinced a hypeman’s job is too frivolous to be taken seriously.

    “I can never date a hypeman. I’ve met a few and they’re extroverted and fun, but I find their job too unserious to take them seriously as partners.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love a good hypeman at a party; they keep the vibe alive. But I can’t imagine my man shouting ‘dorime no be for civil servants’ and see him as the one taking charge in our relationship. My friends think I’m reaching, but it’s just too much for me. 

    I think it’s the  yelling that turns me off.”

    “I can’t date any man who has to be offshore” — Tola*, 34

    After an unplanned long-distance relationship that didn’t work out, Tola is done dating men whose jobs require them to be away for extended periods.

    “I didn’t use to think a person’s job would affect how I saw them romantically, but a relationship in 2019 showed me a new personal boundary. 

    I started dating my ex in my final year in 2014. He studied engineering, so he had one more year in school. I did my NYSC in the same city, so we still saw each other often.

    After he graduated, he got a job in Rivers state, working on an offshore rig. At first, I was happy. The pay was good, and he loved his job. But soon it started putting a strain on our relationship. We didn’t plan to be in a long-distance relationship, so the sudden switch was uncomfortable. 

    There was hardly network on the rig, so we couldn’t communicate as much as I would have liked. But my biggest issue was how long he stayed away. I complained a lot at first, but I soon realised that I either had to accept the nature of his job or leave the relationship. I tried to manage, but the lack of communication, combined with the long distance, was too much to handle.

    Now, I can’t date someone who works on a rig again. Even if you’re busy, at least let me be able to call or see you when I need to.”

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    ALSO READ: 3 Generations, 1 Question: Is Cheating a Deal Breaker?

  • Diran*, 30, has been married for two years. When his sister-in-law moved in after NYSC, he thought it would be a short, harmless arrangement. But as weeks turned into months, things started to feel strange. Now, he’s wondering if setting boundaries makes him a bad husband or if he simply did what anyone in his position would.

    This is Diran’s dilemma, as told to Adeyinka

    When my wife first told me her younger sister needed a place to stay, I didn’t think twice. She had just completed NYSC and was still job-hunting. Their family lives far away in Ikorodu, and most of her interviews were around Surulere, Yaba, and Lekki. It made sense for her to stay with us temporarily until she found her footing.

    At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I even encouraged my wife when she dragged her feet at first. I had no idea it would turn into something that would make me question my own peace of mind.

    The first few weeks went smoothly. She was polite and reserved, and since she had friends in Lagos, she was hardly ever around during the day. My wife and I enjoyed having her. She’d help with chores, run small errands, and keep my wife company on weekends.

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    But gradually, her presence started to feel uncomfortable. It began with small things. She’d leave her underwear in the bathroom or forget to close the door when she was bathing. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, maybe she was just adjusting.

    Then one afternoon, I was taking a shower when she suddenly opened the door. I shouted, “Someone’s inside!” but she didn’t leave immediately. She casually said sorry and said she thought I was my wife. My heart was racing, not because of attraction but because I was embarrassed. I waited until my wife got home and mentioned it casually, hoping she’d talk to her. She also brushed it aside and said it wasn’t that serious an issue.

    Still, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling.

    I work remotely as a project manager, so I’m home most of the day while my wife, who works in a bank, leaves early and returns late. That means her sister and I spend long hours alone together. I usually keep to my office space, but sometimes when I step out to get water, I meet her sprawled on the couch in a singlet with no bra, scrolling through her phone or watching TV.

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    I’d look away quickly and walk back into my office. But each time it happened, it became harder to ignore. I started closing my office door more often, not because I thought I’d do anything wrong, but because I didn’t like how easily such situations could be misread.

    One morning, I came out to the kitchen and saw her wearing one of my wife’s short nighties. She was bending over the sink, washing plates, completely unaware that I was behind her.  Then I quietly turned and went back to the room. My mind was unsettled, like I’d done something wrong just by existing in seeing her that way.

    That evening, I tried to explain to my wife again. I told her I wasn’t comfortable being alone with her sister all day and that she seemed too relaxed around me. My wife frowned and asked, “What are you trying to say?” I said her sister needed to be more mindful around me. 

    She brushed it off again, saying I was exaggerating. I could tell she thought I was overreacting. I dropped the matter because I didn’t want it to sound like I was picking on her sister.

    Still, things kept piling up. The final straw came one Friday afternoon. I was on a work call in the living room, and she came out wearing only a towel. She walked past me casually, said hi, and went into the kitchen. It was like she didn’t even register how awkward that was. I ended the call abruptly and stayed in my room until my wife returned home.

    That night, I told her plainly that I didn’t want her sister living with us anymore. I said she could visit on weekends but not stay indefinitely.

    I expected her to understand. Instead, she exploded. She accused me of being inappropriate, of “thinking nonsense thoughts” about her sister. She said, “So because she’s free in her own sister’s house, you’re now uncomfortable?” I tried to explain it wasn’t about lust or attraction but about boundaries. She didn’t believe me.

    For days, we barely spoke. Her sister started keeping to herself, eating in her room and avoiding eye contact. My wife became cold, insisting I had misjudged her.

    Eventually, her sister moved back to Ikorodu after a small argument with my wife about job interviews. The day she left, my wife didn’t speak to me. It wasn’t until two days later she said, “I hope you’re happy now.”

    I thought I’d feel relieved when she left, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt guilty, like I’d disrupted something that could’ve been handled better. I keep wondering if I should’ve just endured it quietly until she found a job. Maybe if I’d said nothing, things would’ve resolved on their own.

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    But at the same time, I know how uneasy I was. I didn’t like that I had to second-guess every move I made in my own home. I didn’t like that I had to think twice before walking out of my office.

    My friends say I did the right thing, that I was being proactive. But my wife still thinks I overreacted. Last weekend, she told me her sister wanted to visit for a few days. I said okay, even though I felt tense. When she arrived, I made sure to be out most of the time. My wife noticed and asked why I was avoiding home. I told her it was easier that way.

    Now, I don’t know if I’ve created a crack in my marriage or if time will heal it. I keep asking myself: should I have been more patient? Should I have ignored it until she left on her own? Either way, things aren’t in a good place right now.

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Though she had her reservations about mixing work and romance, Hannah* (24) wanted to give dating a co-worker, Teniola* (25), a chance. 

    However, after only two months of Teniola’s inconsistencies, Hannah is glad that she kept their relationship a secret.

    In this Sunken Ships, she shares how their relationship began, the surprising call that caused it to end and why she’s never dating a coworker again.

    What’s the major lesson you learned from trying out an office romance?

    I learned that I should never try such a thing again. I just wanted to test the waters, I didn’t know it would lead to so much hurt.

    Tell me how it all started.

    Back in April 2025, I started a role at a new job. I noticed Teniola when I started because he was cute, but I wanted to keep things professional. Things changed in July, when Teniola* and I were assigned to work on the same project. We became very close and began chatting online and in the office every day. I liked his vibe, so even though I was hesitant at first, I allowed myself to indulge my feelings.

    What exactly drew you to him?

    Aside that we were working in close proximity, Teniola made it a point to compliment me every time he saw me at work. After a while, I warmed up to him. 

    Okay, so why were you initially hesitant?

    I wasn’t a big believer in office romance. I didn’t want to be caught in a situation that could make professionalism difficult. I also didn’t want any embarrassment at work, but I thought it would be different with Teniola.

    How did you guys start dating?

    In July, he asked me out in the cutest way on WhatsApp. He was learning a new language at the time, so he wrote a few words, asking me out on a date in French. Of course, I said yes.

    How did the date go?

    It was perfect. We went out to lunch and just talked. Talking to him was so fun, it was easy to agree to be his girlfriend.

    How were your early days together?

    They were great! He was everything I wanted. The only thing was that I insisted on us keeping our relationship a secret from our coworkers.

    Why? Was dating between coworkers disallowed where you worked?

    No, but I had heard many horror stories about office romances that went wrong, and I didn’t want my new colleagues to give me weird looks because we had ended things. I didn’t want the extra attention at all.

    So if you were keeping things lowkey and he was almost perfect, how did things go wrong?

    First, in September, I got taken off the project that had brought us closer in the office, so we weren’t spending as much time together at work. He had finished from Law School earlier this year and had his call to bar ceremony in October. I think he was overwhelmed with preparing for it. Between that and our new separation at work, our communication basically fizzled out.

    How did this make you feel? Did you try to talk to him about it?

    I felt really sad about our communication because our relationship was still new, so I tried to speak to him once about it. 

    Did he reassure you?

    No. He was very short with me and seemed stressed, so I kept my distance because I didn’t want to make him any more overwhelmed than he was. We went from long, winding conversations to simple “Hi”s and “Hello”s. It was weird.

    Wow. How did you put up with that?

    I figured that everything would go back to how it used to be when he was done with his Call to Bar ceremony, but othing changed. In the first weekend of October, he called me and gave me the worst news.

    What did he say?

    He beat around the bush but eventually said he wanted to break up with me. 

    Whoa, out of nowhere?

    Yes, I was so hurt and surprised. I agreed, though, and I was grateful that we had kept it a secret from the others at work. What hurt me the most, was how he treated me after.

    How did he treat you?

    He treated me like a complete stranger at work. He didn’t even respond when I greeted him.

    Ah. That’s rude.

    So rude. It annoyed me, so I gave him the same energy and kept my distance.

    Did he try to reach out to you after giving you the cold shoulder?

    Surprisingly, yes, he did. About a week after, he started sending me messages and calling me, saying he had made a mistake and wanted us to get back together. He even got one of his team members to come and beg me to respond to him.

    What did you do?

    I finally agreed to have a quick chat over lunch, and I told him I didn’t see us getting back together. He had done enough to hurt me, and I thought our relationship was better off just being professional.

    I love that you stood on business.

    I had to. I was already afraid of how office romances that go sour can affect you at work. I didn’t want to find out more about it. Working with a broken heart was already bad enough.

    Do you think you and Teniola could at least become friends again even if a romance between you doesn’t work in the future?

    No, I’m not interested. He’s a good colleague but nothing more than that.

    What about office romance? Do you think you’ll try again in the future?

    At all, o. I’m even more afraid of them now after my brush with Teniola. Please let work remain work. I can go and find romance outside.

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  • When Fikayo* (28) got married at 22, she thought it would look like the fairytales she grew up watching abroad, the kind filled with movie dates, shared laughter, endless kisses, and a best friend who doubles as a life partner.

    Seven years later, she’s learning that marriage is less about romance and more about growing up, choosing peace, and finding yourself all over again inside a partnership.

    This is a look into her marriage diary.

    I thought marriage would be like a romantic friendship

    I always thought marriage would be fun. Like two best friends doing life together — vibing, playing, working, cooking, travelling, everything. I pictured us going to the cinema, sharing popcorn, laughing at the same jokes, going out to eat, and just being that couple everyone looks at and says, “God, when?”

    That’s the kind of marriage I grew up seeing around me. I spent a significant part of my childhood abroad, and the culture there influenced how I perceived love. Husbands and wives seemed like best friends. They did everything together — from school runs to Saturday shopping — and still looked genuinely happy doing it.

    Even the movies and books I consumed sold that same idea: that your partner should be your best friend. Someone you’re excited to be around all the time. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t always be rosy, but I honestly thought marriage would look close to that picture. You know, easy, light, and full of companionship.

    That’s the image that stuck with me for years, and it didn’t change until I actually got married.

    Marriage forced me to grow up in ways I didn’t expect

    I think the biggest surprise for me was realising how much growing up happens after marriage. People talk about growing up before marriage — how you should mature, get ready, be stable — but nobody tells you how much more growth marriage forces out of you.

    For me, it came gradually. I didn’t even notice I was changing until I started reacting differently to things that used to get under my skin. I used to be someone who always had a comeback, who couldn’t let things go. But marriage made me start choosing peace over proving a point.

    One particular incident stands out. One morning, I needed transport fare to get to work. I had money in another account, but I forgot to withdraw. So I asked my husband for cash. Normally, it shouldn’t be a big deal. But we’d had a fight the previous night, and he was still upset.

    He said something like, “Let your disrespect get you the money you need.” That hurt me deeply. Growing up, I never lacked anything. My dad always made sure I was comfortable. So, hearing my husband say that because of a small argument, and refusing to help me, just threw me off.

    I knew he had cash, so I opened his wallet and took the money. He got angry, twisted my arm a bit, and snatched it back. I just stood there crying. It wasn’t about the money anymore; it was about how quickly things could go south in marriage.

    I called my dad crying, expecting him to comfort me. Instead, he said, “Well, you chose to marry a starter.” That was his way of saying I should deal with my choice. He sent me some money later for transport but added, “I won’t buy you a car. When you can, buy one yourself.”

    That whole incident humbled me. It was the first time I realised that marriage isn’t just about love or vibes. It’s about emotional intelligence and knowing when to fight, when to keep quiet, and when to choose peace.

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    Marriage has taught me that trust shouldn’t be 100%

    This might sound strange, but one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t trust anyone 100%, not even your spouse. Of course, you love and respect them, but full trust? That’s something you reserve for yourself.

    Marriage has its seasons. Sometimes your partner’s actions or decisions will test your patience and make you question everything. It’s not about being paranoid; it’s about learning to keep a part of yourself grounded, even when everything else feels uncertain.

    I’ve realised that blind trust can lead to resentment. You start feeling betrayed when your partner doesn’t meet expectations they never even knew existed. So now, I trust my husband — but I also trust myself to handle life if things ever go left. That balance keeps me sane.

    Our differences in intimacy almost broke us

    One of the hardest things to navigate in marriage has been intimacy. My husband isn’t a very physical or romantic person. He can go months without intimacy and be completely fine. Meanwhile, I’m the opposite. I crave closeness and affection, not just sex, but touch, laughter, shared moments.

    In the beginning, I took it personally. I thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’d say hurtful things like, “Are you sure you’re even a man?” It was wrong, but I was frustrated. I felt lonely.

    Over time, I learned to communicate better. Instead of attacking him, I started asking questions. I found out it wasn’t about me; it’s just how he’s wired. Once I understood that, I stopped turning it into a war. Now, if I need affection, I tell him. If he’s not in the mood, I don’t take it personally.

    It took years to get here, but that’s one of the biggest lessons marriage has taught me: that communication is more powerful than complaint.

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    I got married too early because of pressure

    If I could advise my young and unmarried self, I would tell her to be patient before leaping into marriage.

    I got married at 22, barely a few months after graduating. I was 23 when I had my first child. Looking back, I know I wasn’t ready. But where I come from, you don’t really have much choice.

    My dad’s side of the family has this tradition — once you’re finishing university, the next thing they expect is marriage. My mum and aunties were constantly bringing it up, and I didn’t want to be the odd one out.

    One day, out of frustration, I opened my Instagram and messaged all the guys who had been sending me direct messages. I told myself I’d marry whoever replied first, and my husband did. We started talking, dated for six months, and got married.

    I’m not saying I regret marrying my husband, but I wish I’d taken my time. Maybe if I’d married at 25, I would’ve had more experience and emotional maturity. I could’ve travelled more, learned more, maybe even made better decisions.

    Because I was so young, I had to learn everything the hard way. I had to learn how to run a household, manage finances, and communicate effectively without losing my identity. It’s been seven years of growing up while being someone’s wife and mother.

    I’ve lost some parts of myself, but I’m learning to adapt

    Before marriage, I was the fun one in my circle. I loved going on outings, trying new restaurants, having movie nights, and making spontaneous plans. I wasn’t a party girl, but I loved enjoying life in a classy way.

    My husband gave me the impression that he was like that, too. He was in the Navy before we got married, travelled a lot, posted fun photos online, so I assumed we’d be perfect together. But marriage revealed that he’s actually a homebody. He’d rather stay indoors than go anywhere.

    At first, that frustrated me. I wanted us to do monthly date nights, weekend trips and other fun activities to keep the spark alive. But he saw it as unnecessary. He made it seem like I liked going out too much.

    Eventually, I stopped forcing it. Now, I find my joy in small solo moments. Sometimes, after work, I stop for ice cream and eat it in the car before heading home. Or I take my boys out to a park on weekends. I’ve learned that I don’t have to depend on him for every happy experience. He’s a loner, and I’m learning to be at peace with this version of him.

    Still, there’s a part of me that misses my old self. The carefree girl who loved planning outings and surprising her partner with little things. I miss her, but I’ve made peace with this version of my life.

    The biggest compromise has been letting him always have his way

    My husband is twenty years older, and it shows in how he handles things. He’s set in his ways. Once he decides something, that’s it.

    Early in the marriage, I used to argue and try to present my point of view, but it always came across as disrespectful. I got tired of trying to explain myself.

    Now, I just say “okay” and move on. Sometimes I still quietly do what I think is right, but I don’t argue. I’ve learned to choose peace, even if it feels like silence.

    Is it worth it? Not really. Because sometimes, I feel unseen, like my voice doesn’t count. But for the sake of our two kids, I’ve learned to let things go. Peace, even if one-sided, feels better than constant war.

    Friendship keeps a marriage going, not just love

    If you asked me seven years ago, I’d have said love is everything. But after all I’ve experienced, I know love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. You need friendship, understanding, and respect.

    Love fades sometimes. There are days when you’re angry, tired, or disconnected. But if you’re friends, you’ll find your way back.

    My husband isn’t perfect, but he’s still my biggest supporter. He’s the reason I started my NGO. He helped me build the foundation, encouraged me to apply for grants, and even stayed up late helping me prep for exams. That’s the part of him I cherish deeply.

    But I still crave a little more softness, more intentional effort, more companionship. I wish we did more together, not because we have to, but because we want to.

    Marriage has taught me that you can love someone deeply and still wish for more. And that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, it’s the friendship that holds everything together when love feels quiet.

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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  • Sharon* (21) feels satisfied and happy in her relationship with Tim*, her boyfriend of two years. But she can’t stop feeling guilty about how she treated her ex, Tobe*, when she wanted to end their relationship for the love she has now.

    This is Sharon’s story as told to Betty:

    An incoming call vibrates my phone in my pocket. I pull out the device and see my ex’s name flash across my screen. This is his fifth call today, and I’ve ignored every single one. Guilt churns my stomach as I decline for the umpteenth time. I’m not ready to have a conversation and explain why I cut him off. Honestly, he did nothing wrong; I just couldn’t ignore what my heart was telling me.

    Let’s rewind to secondary school. A new student, Tim*, joined our class in SS1. When we saw each other for the first time, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we had met before. He felt the same, so I knew there was something there. That weekend at home, I looked for my primary school graduation photo, and I got a pleasant surprise. Tim and I were in the same primary school set. 

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    He was just as delighted when I told him, and we became really close friends. It didn’t take me long to realise that I liked Tim— a lot. He told me he liked me, too, but it was one of those things where I thought we were better off as friends. Besides, secondary school is nothing like the real world. I didn’t want to get distracted by my feelings or have them ruin our friendship. After leaving secondary school in 2021, we lost touch, but those feelings I had for Tim were never resolved, just buried at the back of my mind.

    In my 100L, I was all in on making good grades, so I didn’t really entertain any suitors. After one of my departmental tutorials, I walked up to one of the organisers, Tobe*, and asked if he knew when the next one was going to be held. He took my number and promised to update me about the tutorial schedule. But instead of just tutorials, Tobe and I talked about almost everything else. Soon, we became very close and comfortable with each other. A few more weeks passed, and I started to realise that we were in a relationship. He never asked me out officially, but we did basically everything couples do. Besides, I felt like his girlfriend.

    When we talked, Tobe would confide in me about his previous bad luck in romantic relationships. He said he always got his heart broken and asked why I would want to be with him. He wasn’t the most handsome guy in the world, but Tobe was two years ahead of me and talented. He was sweet, and I loved his voice. I reassured him that I was different and that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I liked him, and I enjoyed being with him. There was something about Tobe that made me feel so curious and intrigued that I couldn’t imagine why he had those doubts.

    In 2023, when I was in 200L, a strike interrupted our school year, and we all went home for a bit. While we were away, communication between Tobe and me slowed to a crawl. We usually kept in touch much better, but something about that unexpected break from gruelling school work made it easy to relax and not think too much about texting my boyfriend or whether he replied or not.

    During this gap in our communication, Tim and I reconnected online. At first, it was just a casual conversation with an old friend, but the more we talked, the more I realised that I still had a massive crush on him. We reminisced about all our favourite memories from secondary school, and I found out that we still lived in the same town. Tim invited me out to see a movie that weekend, and I agreed. I knew Tobe would have objected, but I felt that since he wasn’t giving me any attention, he wouldn’t be too upset about it. Besides, it wasn’t like Tim and I were going to do anything, so I pushed my niggling conscience aside and went to see the movie with him on that fateful Friday.

    After the movie, Tim and I were talking about what we enjoyed about it. He then said he wanted to ask me something and I told him to go ahead. After beating around the bush for a bit, Tim asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked but secretly, a little pleased. 

    I asked him why he would want me to be his girlfriend. Why now? Why, after all that time had passed? Tim looked me in the eyes and told me his truth. He had liked me since we were in SS1, and even though we lost touch after school, he had never been able to stop thinking about me and his feelings. He didn’t want to miss another opportunity, and that’s why he was making his intentions known.

    I loved that Tim wanted to be with me because my feelings for him were just as strong. But this also threw me into a dilemma: what was I going to do about Tobe? I told him I wanted sometime to think about it but when we went on another date to a park on Sunday, I said yes.

    I already felt bad enough about being with Tim and was wondering how best to break it to Tobe when he started trying to communicate with me in earnest. I tried to tell myself that what I did wasn’t so bad because Tobe and I weren’t in a very defined relationship. But that didn’t stop my conscience from pricking me constantly. I was so wracked by guilt, and I didn’t know what to do. So instead, I made a decision I’m not proud of — I ghosted Tobe.

    He tried so many times to contact me. Texts, calls, emails, you name it. I couldn’t bring myself to respond to him. I didn’t know what to say or where to start the conversation. The strike lasted a few months, so I thought that by the time we resumed, he would have stopped trying, but Tobe was relentless and it made me feel even worse.

    Even though I did my best to avoid him, I ran into him at school, and he refused to let me go until I explained my sudden disappearance. I managed to choke out a summary of what happened during the strike. The knot of guilt in my throat almost made it impossible, but I did my best. The look on his face when I told him made my guilt even bigger. 

    He said he didn’t hold it against me for choosing my first love. After all, he said, he already knew that he had bad luck with love. I think I would have felt better if he had exploded in anger. I tried to explain that I was wrong and he should be more upset with me, but he just walked away. 

     After a few months of no contact, Tobe felt ready to discuss what had happened properly, but honestly, I was too afraid to even try. I had blocked his number and profile everywhere so he couldn’t reach me. Then one day after a class, he walked up to me and begged me to give him a number he could call so we could talk. I knew he still wanted to talk about us and why we ended. I couldn’t imagine looking him in the eye and telling him why I chose someone else. So I lied that my number was still working and he could reach me anytime, but I knew in my heart that we wouldn’t be talking. 

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    The guilt became even worse, and I think it’s because I’m so happy with Tim. I’m afraid that karma might come back to pinch me later down the line.  I tell him everything, and when we talked about this, he said that though what I did was cowardly, I should just let it go and not try to force the conversation. I suspected it was because he was a little jealous of Tobe,  but it allowed me to convince myself that continuing to avoid confronting my guilt about Tobe was the right thing to do.

    I would still choose Tim all over again. We’re still together, and our relationship only keeps getting better and stronger. I just wish that I had been gentler with Tobe’s heart, and I was brave enough to end things without hurting him too badly. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I had to follow my heart. I had to go to my true love.

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    READ ALSO: 5 Men, 1 Question: Do You Love Dating Mean Women?

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Owolola* (29) and Becky* (26) started as co-workers in a government office in 2024, bonding over long hours, inside jokes, and lunch breaks.

    On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how their friendship evolved into romance, navigating family disapproval , and why they’re determined to build a future together anyway.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Owolola: We met at our civil service job when I relocated to Lagos in September 2024. She was the only person who seemed like my age mate. When we started talking, I found out she’d only been around for a year, yet she took me under her wing and helped me navigate the new office environment.

    Becky: I liked him the moment I met him because I have a thing for stylish men. He always came to work dressed like he had somewhere special to go, which was refreshing to see. He wasn’t like the other middle-aged men in the department who barely paid attention to their appearance.

    We hit it off since we worked closely together for long hours. In between, we went for lunch and overshared details about our lives. That was how I found out he’d been married before. I was really surprised because he didn’t look like it at all. But that wasn’t the only discovery that shook me.

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    What else?

    Becky: He was a widower. I don’t think he planned to tell me that early, but I sort of pressured him to. It wasn’t intentional, though.

    Owolola: We’d grown close, and even though I told her I’d been married, I didn’t mention how it ended. She’d make comments suggesting I left the marriage because I wanted to explore what’s out there. Toward the end of the first month we met, I had to travel home for my late wife’s remembrance. I didn’t tell her why; I just that I had to sort something out.

    A day after I arrived, she called to say there was a headcount at work and our state coordinator had asked about me. That was when I told her.

    Any reason you stalled? And did that information change anything?

    Owolola: We were still co-workers. We only saw each other at work; I didn’t even know where she lived. I didn’t think I needed to share something that personal yet. Plus, I didn’t want her pity. That’s the first reaction when people find out I’m a young widower.

    And it wasn’t different with Becky. She started walking on eggshells around me.

    Becky: You don’t meet many widowers in their twenties. I felt an overwhelming sense of pity for him, especially after hearing his wife had died during childbirth.

    I noticed he avoided the topic when he returned, so I didn’t bring it up. I had questions— when it happened, if that was the reason he moved to Lagos, if the child made it, if he was seeing anyone — but since he didn’t mention it, I respected his privacy. Still, our friendship grew stronger, and some co-workers even thought we were dating. But it was strictly platonic.

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    Right. But when did things move from a platonic relationship to something more?

    Owolola: Honestly, I don’t think there was a specific moment. It just happened.

    I lost my wife three years ago, and while I was a mess the first year, I eventually started to heal. My parents, and even some of her relatives, never stopped reminding me I was young and should consider marriage again. I got into two relationships, but neither lasted more than a few months. They weren’t bad people; I just wasn’t ready.

    With Becky, I was. Moving to Lagos and starting a new job gave me a fresh start. The week we closed for the year, Becky visited me at home for the first time. One thing led to another, and we got intimate. It didn’t feel wrong. It happened again, and we just sort of started dating. There was no official asking out.

    Becky: The attraction had been there since his first week at work. With how close we’d become, I knew we’d ultimately sleep together. I just wasn’t sure about a relationship since we worked in the same place.

    But here we are. We went from having sex to calling each other “babe,” spending weekends together, and basically dating. There was no “I’ll think about it” phase.

    Sweet. But how did you feel about him being a widower? Did you think he’d moved on?

    Becky: I didn’t think much about it, maybe because there’s no child in the picture. It was easier to commit knowing he wasn’t still tied to that part of his life. Like he said, it felt like he was getting a fresh start, and I chose to see it that way too. However, my family doesn’t feel the same way. They’re not fans of our relationship.

    Oh.

    Becky: Everything was fine until my mum heard about Owolola’s late wife.

    Owolola: Now that she mentions it, that was part of why my last relationship ended. Her mum did some prayers and told her we had no future together. I didn’t argue. When she left, I let her.

    So when Becky and I started dating, I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her family that early. They were warm at first, but after she told them, everything changed. Even though I see how hard she fights for us, I sometimes wish she’d waited.

    What sort of difference did you notice?

    Owolola: The calls and endearments stopped. Her mum used to call and even ask to speak with me whenever Becky was around. She’d end the call with “omo mi” and all those sweet things.

    A week after she found out, the calls stopped. When I finally called her, she was distant and kept her responses brief. I knew things had changed. I also feared they’d pressure Becky to end things.

    Becky: I’ve always told my parents about whoever I’m dating. That’s how they raised us — even my brothers. They know the relationship might not lead to marriage, but they prefer being in the loop.

    As much as I understood his concerns, I thought my parents would look past this, especially because he’s still young and has no children. But my mum wasn’t having it. For her, the fact that he’s a widower is the biggest red flag. She says it’s a bad omen to start life with tragedy, and I shouldn’t tie myself to it.

    My dad didn’t say much at first, but she’s since influenced him. He’s more subtle about it, but every now and then, he hints that I can find better if I keep looking.

    Curious, how does all of this make you feel, Owolola? 

    Owolola: I understand her family, but it doesn’t make it any less sad.

    Nigerian parents are something else. After my wife’s passing, my mum insisted on attending church programmes to seek spiritual protection. Even though it was clearly a medical issue, she didn’t believe it was ordinary for me to become a widower so young.

    If my own mum thinks her son is spiritually jinxed, it’s easier to understand where Becky’s parents are coming from. She’s never been married, and I get why they wouldn’t want her to marry someone like me. Still, what’s kept us going is how much we’ve both stayed committed to each other.

    Our families are beginning to see we’re serious. I think they’re slowly moving towards acceptance. Becky’s mum even invites us to church programmes now and gets upset if we don’t show up.

    I see. 

    Owolola: We really care about each other. Where I was unsure with my past “situationships”, I feel certain about Becky. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

    Nice. Outside of family issues, how has the last year been for you both?

    Betty: It’s been beautiful. The fact that we’ve stayed together despite everything proves we can face anything and come out stronger.

    Some people would’ve walked away, but I think there’s value in starting a relationship on a rocky note. It helps you see if the other person is truly in it for you or just for the vibes.

    Leaving would’ve been the easiest thing for either of us, but he stayed. Even when my parents changed, he didn’t stop checking on them and showing them the same love he shows me. It makes me fall in love with him over and over again.

    Owolola: Everything she said. What she didn’t add is how much the past year has taught us about each other. I know what she looks like when she’s angry, happy, sad, scared, inspired… I didn’t have to wait months to see those sides of her.

    I know her comfort food, her favourite restaurants and shows, and she knows everything that makes me tick. It’s been an interesting journey.

    Does working together ever get in the way? 

    Owolola: Not really. People know we’re close, but I don’t think they suspect anything beyond friendship. And even if they do, we wouldn’t be the first civil servants to date at work. I know senior colleagues who work alongside their wives. If anything, it makes things easier.

    Becky: Plus, it’s hard enough to get into the civil service, so why would either of us leave? I’ve heard stories of couples deciding who should quit because they work together; that’s not our story.

    Screaming. Owolola, you mentioned wanting to spend your life with Becky. Do you think you’re ready for the leap into marriage again?

    Owolola: I think I am. I’ve had enough time to sit with my grief and accept that it’s okay to move on. Death is the most natural thing, and from my Christian perspective, no one leaves until it’s truly their time.

    But I’ve been honest with Becky about my fears around childbearing. That’s what scares me most. I don’t know if I want to go through that again, especially since I’m not the one carrying the child. I don’t want to put my partner through that risk. We’re still figuring it out.

    Becky: I definitely want children, but I also understand his fears. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. God will be in control. That’s all I can say for now.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Got it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

    Owolola: A 10. I love how we have each other’s backs. I don’t have to think twice about it, I just know this woman always wants the best for me.

    Becky: I’ll give us a 9. I already love boyfriend Owolola. I can’t wait to see what husband Owolola has in store for me. 

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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  • There’s a long-running joke on Nigerian social media that some men secretly enjoy dating mean women —the ones who keep them on their toes and stress them out enough just to keep things interesting. But when does that stop being playful and start looking like actual wickedness? We asked five Nigerian men what they really think about dating partners like this and if they’ve ever been on the receiving end. Here’s what they had to say.

    “I don’t like mean women anymore” — Chibuzor*, 27

    After spending three months constantly being in the wrong, Chibuzor learned that he didn’t really like “wicked women” after all.

    “ I don’t go near self-proclaimed “wicked girls” again. I used to think it was hot when a babe showed me small pepper to spice things up, but I’ve outgrown it. 

    I dated one in 2022 for three months, and she nearly drove me mad. I said “sorry” every day in that relationship. She’d get angry over small things — like me not sounding excited enough to see her, or spending time with my older sister. When she got angry, she’d ignore me for days, while I begged her to respond to my messages. 

    One day, she got into another anger fit again and blocked me everywhere. Instead of begging, I used the escape route. I only move to nice women now, I’ve learned my lesson.”

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    “She used my emotions against me“ — Emmanuel*, 38

    Emmanuel recounts how his abusive relationship with his ex has made him avoid similar women.

    “ I dated one of these wicked types for six years, and constantly butted heads. I thought it was passion at first, but after five years, I saw the truth: the relationship was unhealthy and draining.. 

    She’d ghost me for a week, and when I asked why, she’d say, ‘I don’t like when men are too relaxed.’ She knew I cared, but it felt like she was always yanking my emotional chain. When she wanted something, she’d be sweet. Other times, she’d insult me or compare me to other guys who wanted her. 

    I really wanted to try to make things work, but she wouldn’t compromise on anything. We split last year. 

    I’m seeing someone new now, and I haven’t felt this relaxed in years. I think we’re a better match in terms of personality. We rarely fight, and even when we disagree, she never raises her voice at me. Nice girls for the win, please.”

    “They’re fun if you aren’t dating them” — Collins*, 29

    Collin’s short-lived relationship during his service year made him swear off wicked babes for life.

    “Babes like that are only fun if you’re not dating them. They’re entertaining in small doses, but once you enter, you’ll know pepper pass pepper. 

    I had a thing with one during NYSC. She had a man who did everything for her, but I was her side piece for four months. I didn’t even know I was the side until she stayed over one day and I stumbled on some texts with him.  

    When I confronted her, she wasn’t apologetic. She even and bragged about the things he did for her. I ended things immediately,  but it sent me down a dark emotional path.

    Since then, I’ve promised myself never to be with a person who makes me feel that way again. I’ve only dated one person since then, but we didn’t work out because she relocated.. She was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met. ”

    Don’t miss a thing from ZikokoShips, sign up to our newsletter here!

    “Wickedness is not a cute personality trait” —Tobi*, 29

    Tobi hasn’t dated a mean person yet, but recognises the red flags and avoids them.

    “I don’t mind a woman who’s strict or assertive, but wicked? No. Wickedness isn’t a cute personality trait. That’s somebody who’ll treat you terribly and possibly traumatise you. I haven’t dated anyone like that, but I can recognise the signs. For instance, a major red flag is anyone who immediately resorts to name-calling during disagreements. I avoid them like mad.”

    “I like when they’re wicked to everyone else but me” — Seun*, 22

    Seun admits he has a soft spot for women with a mean streak, even though he’s been hurt in the past.

    “I love women who have a mean streak. Not wicked to me, but the ones who are mean to everyone else. 

    I once dated a girl for three months who ignored people around me and only said hi to me. When I asked why after the first time, she said she didn’t want to be friends with my friends. I was shocked, but I liked it. It made me feel special.

    She eventually showed me shege at the end. She said I gave her the ick because of a joke I posted on my WhatsApp status about fighting for food at a funeral. The next day, she blocked me everywhere. I still ran into her in school, but she acted like we were strangers.

    It hurt, but I’d still do it again. It was a nice experience while it lasted.”

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    “I want to find a babe that’s nice like me” — Seyi*, 26

    After constantly getting anxious when his ex reached out, Seyi only wants an emotionally open person now.

    “I used to think wicked girls were hot because they’re usually the assertive type, but I think I was blinded by youth. 

    I dated a babe for a few months last year and omo, never again.

    I liked this babe a lot, but it was as if there was nothing I could do to convince her I liked her. If I hugged a female friend, it could mean the silent treatment. If I missed her call and didnt respond in ten minutes, I knew I was getting a nasty text where she would rain insults on me. At first, I thought I was being a bad boyfriend and tried to keep up, but I started getting anxious when she reached out. 

    I felt so bad sometimes, I would be up all night, scared I had done something to annoy or upset her, which was why she wasn’t replying. I had o break up with her when I couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t take it well, she cursed me out and blocked me.

    Now, guarded babes hold zero appeal for me. I want to find a babe that’s emotionally open and nice like me.”

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    ALSO READ: 9 Nigerian Men, 1 Question: What Does The Bro Code Mean to You? 

  • The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

    Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

    How long have you been with your partner?

    We’ve been together since April 2024.

    How did you meet?

    Lekan and I met on Facebook. We’d been Facebook friends for over a year before he asked me out. I wasn’t surprised when he did. I actually expected it. Most of my male friends on Facebook connect with me because they want to ask me out. So I knew the question was coming. But when it did, I didn’t accept immediately.

    Why not?

    He’d told me he had a child from a previous relationship, and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I feared dealing with a complicated situation where one woman could come later and start claiming rights. So, I needed time to process it and decide if I could go ahead with it. I didn’t give him a yes until about three months had passed.

    What changed your mind?

    Lekan had all the other things I wanted: God-fearing, mature, and we were best friends even before we started dating. So, I decided to go for it. 

    Also, his child wasn’t like a baby. His relationship with his child’s mother hadn’t worked out, and Lekan had opened up to me about it. The child lived with the mother. So, I believed it wouldn’t be an issue.

    Got it. What are your financial situations like?

    Lekan was working as a store manager, earning ₦70k/month when we started dating. Now, he mostly makes money from online tutoring gigs, and since it’s primarily freelance, there’s no specific monthly income.

    As for me, I’m a teacher and I offer catering services once in a while. My actual salary is ₦25k, but when I get catering gigs, that figure can range between ₦35k and ₦40k. I have to say our financial situation is the primary struggle in our relationship. 

    How so?

    It’s not easy to do things on an unstable income. We have hopes for our future. We’ve even talked about settling down, but we can’t make actual moves because of money. I’m worried about Lekan’s unstable income. 

    If he had something, we could plan around what comes in monthly, no matter how small the money might be. It won’t be a case of, “Will money come or will it not come?” 

    Have you shared these concerns with him?

    All the time. He says he’s working towards it. I hope things get better soon. In the meantime, we support each other as much as possible. We talk about our money struggles and what we need to do to improve the situation.

    We assist each other when the other person is broke. I can send him money for food or data when I have, and he does the same for me, too — usually ₦5k or ₦10k. Besides our money challenges, it has been an awesome relationship. We work well together, and I know things will only get better.  

    You mentioned he has a child. How does that play into your relationship dynamic?

    It doesn’t really affect us. I don’t really interfere with his relationship with his child and the mother. I know he has an arrangement with his baby mama’s family to be part of the child’s welfare. He doesn’t send money monthly, but I think he contributes to feeding and school fees. I don’t really know much about their arrangement. I don’t want to get involved.

    Interesting. How do you guys navigate budgeting for dates and gifts in your relationship?

    Hmm. This is another challenge we have. I often tell Lekan that there are some things you don’t wait for the right time to do, you just compromise and make the sacrifice. For example, we hardly go out to celebrate birthdays or buy each other gifts because Lekan says there’s no money. On the rare occasion that we go out, we visit eateries.

    Ironically, he spends more than he saves. Lekan can get some money now and spend it all without putting anything aside. He thinks savings should come from when you have excess, but I think you should save regardless of how much you have. So, we argue about that a lot.

    What do future plans look like for you two? You mentioned settling down

    Yeah. I’m hoping we get married in a year. But we still have to settle our finances first before moving further. I don’t think we can get married while his income is still unstable. So, when that is fixed, we can plan.

    Do you both have safety nets?

    I don’t know about him, but I have a monthly ₦10k ajo contribution to save money. I’m also looking for an investment platform to join and see what investing can look like for me.

    What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

    I’d like us to set up our own business. Since we’re in the education sector, we hope to have a school someday. Then maybe also invest in real estate.

    Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    NEXT READ: He Teaches Me How to Make Money. I Teach Him How to Manage It

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  • Calista* (29) never really had a clear picture of what marriage would look like. After years of dating and realising no one is perfect, she expected it to be a mix of love and compromise. What she didn’t expect was how much she’d have to learn about boundaries, especially with in-laws who love deeply and show up often.

    In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about falling in love with an imperfect man, navigating life with a close-knit extended family, and why she’s still learning that love alone isn’t enough to keep a marriage steady.

    This is a look into her marriage diary.

    Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

    I didn’t imagine what marriage would be like

    If I’m being honest, I didn’t have a strong picture of what marriage would look like before I got here. I was never one of those girls who dreamt of wedding dresses or built Pinterest boards about marriage. Yeah, as a teenager, I watched lots of romcoms and read romance novels, and I definitely thought love would be like that — a Prince Charming who sweeps you off your feet and does no wrong.

    But my first experience with dating quickly burst that bubble. It was in SS3, and honestly, we were both immature. We had no business being in a relationship. The whole thing was so ridiculous that it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I’m grateful for that experience because it was my first real reality check that romance in movies and books isn’t the same as romance in real life.

    By the time I got to university, I dated a couple of people, but it was always the same story: you meet someone, think they’re perfect, and a few months later, they start to unravel. You both move on, and the cycle continues. After a while, I stopped fantasising about “forever.” All of that made it hard to picture marriage in the grand, romantic way most people do.

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    Love is just two imperfect people choosing each other

    Looking back, I think my views on marriage came more from experience than anything else. My early teenage years were shaped by all the movies and novels that sold the idea of a perfect love story. But by the time I’d had a few relationships, that dream was gone.

    I started to see love as choosing someone whose flaws you can live with for as long as possible. Marriage, in my head, wasn’t about butterflies anymore; it was about managing imperfections and showing up, even when it wasn’t rosy.

    My husband is a good man. In fact, he’s the best. But I’ll be lying if I say he’s perfect. When we started dating, he ticked all the boxes — kind, patient, handsome, attentive, thriving in his career. For the first two or three years, I thought I’d found my Prince Charming after all. But by the fourth year, as we began to talk about marriage, I started to see a side of him I wasn’t used to.

    My husband is deeply family-oriented; maybe too much. During our wedding planning, I noticed how his siblings, cousins, uncles, and aunties all had a say in our plans. Everyone wanted something, and he couldn’t say no. He’d tell me, “That’s how my family is, we love each other.” I understood, but sometimes, love needs boundaries.

    To be fair, my in-laws are genuinely sweet. I love being around them. But even now, I still feel like my husband forgets that we’re building our own family. I was already in too deep when I realised this side of him, so I’ve had to learn to accommodate it. It’s one of those imperfections you just learn to live with.

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    I almost ran away on my wedding morning

    Everything seemed to be going wrong, and somehow, my husband was in the middle of it. He’d sent the driver meant to take me to church to pick up a relative instead. The place wasn’t far, but I thought it was unfair because that person could’ve ordered a ride. Then I found out he’d given one of his cousins the glasses we were supposed to use for our photoshoot. They sound like small things, but what got to me was how he found it hard to say no to people, even when it inconvenienced him.

    He called me that morning to pray and say all those sweet words people say before weddings, but I was cold. I barely responded. When he hung up, the guilt hit me hard. I remember sitting quietly for a few minutes, asking myself if this was really how I wanted to start my marriage — angry at a man who clearly adored me but didn’t always know how to draw the line.

    Eventually, I decided to let it go. I wasn’t going to let my anger ruin one of the most beautiful days of our lives. That moment taught me something about marriage: sometimes, you’ll have to choose peace over being right.

    Nobody warns you about in-laws

    Growing up, I didn’t really see much of my dad’s family because he wasn’t in a good place with them. So my mum didn’t have to deal with in-laws. We had the occasional uncle or cousin visit, but that was it. Because of that, I never really imagined I’d have to “navigate” in-laws.

    During my relationship, my husband’s family was super nice to me. His mum invited me over, and his siblings called me “sister.” Even before marriage, they treated me like one of them. I didn’t mind. In fact, I enjoyed the warmth. But once we got married, things shifted a little.

    My husband’s family is very close-knit. They check in all the time, they visit often, and they have opinions about everything. One time, one of his nephews needed somewhere to stay in Lagos, and before I could even process it, my husband had offered our mini flat. I didn’t like it, not because I hate guests, but because we had just one bedroom. Still, I kept quiet. I didn’t want to be the wife who keeps the family away.

    But it gets exhausting sometimes. Even when I voice out, I can tell my husband thinks I’m being unfair. I know he loves me, and I love him too, but it feels like I’m constantly learning to share him with his family.

    I don’t think my husband is wrong for being close to his family. In fact, I admire it. But there are days when I just want him to say, “No, we can’t do that right now.” It’s tricky because I know how much his family loves me. They call, they check up on me, they treat me like their own. I just wish there was a balance between being the family’s golden child and being my husband.

    Marriage has made me lose and gain parts of myself

    I’ve definitely changed. Before marriage, I was a little more assertive. I didn’t think twice before drawing boundaries. But now, I’m learning to bend a bit to meet people halfway. Sometimes, I stop myself from reacting too quickly.

    At the same time, I’ve also gained a new level of self-awareness. I’ve learned that I can be patient. I’ve learned that I can love people even when they don’t behave how I expect. And I’ve learned that marriage isn’t about proving points, it’s about finding a balance with another person and holding on to it.

    Sometimes, I stop and ask myself if I’m being too rigid. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand what it means to be in a large, loving family. My mother never had to deal with in-laws, so maybe I just didn’t grow up seeing this kind of closeness. I’m trying to unlearn that mindset and see the love behind it.

    So yes, I’ve lost some parts of myself — my fierce independence, my quick reactions — but I’ve also gained a softer side. I’m learning to listen more and talk less.

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    Love isn’t enough; you need friendship, kindness and respect

    If I could talk to my unmarried self, I’d tell her to ask questions — lots of them. Talk to people who’ve been married for years, not the ones who sugarcoat it but those who tell the truth. Marriage is not an extension of dating. It’s deeper, more layered, and sometimes, more confusing.

    I’d also tell her not to assume that love will automatically teach her everything. You have to study marriage the same way you study a subject you want to master. Ask, listen, observe.

    You need an equal mix of love, understanding, respect, and kindness. “I love you” is easy to say, but what matters is how it shows up in the way someone speaks to you, shows up for you, or holds space for you.

    My husband is not perfect, but he’s kind and patient. And even when his love feels overwhelming or inconvenient, I can still see that it’s real. That, to me, is what keeps a marriage going. Not perfect love, but love that’s willing to grow, even when it’s being tested.

     *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Subomi* (28) and Damilola* (27) met on a WhatsApp movie club in 2023 and sparked a connection through a shared love for good banter and quality films.

    On this week’s Love Life, they talk about falling for each other after a brief friendship phase, surviving long-distance, and how one awkward bedwetting incident nearly ended their relationship.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Subomi: We met in a movie club on WhatsApp in April 2023. She posted about a series I’d been watching and mentioned her desire to discuss it with someone. I slid into her DMs and dropped one iconic quote from the main character. She replied with an even funnier one. We spent the next couple of days discussing the series, and she recommended others I could watch.

    Damilola: The first time I really remembered Subomi was when we spoke on the phone, and we ended up talking all night. We’d been texting, but I didn’t pay much attention because I didn’t even know what he looked like. I mistakenly dialled his number one day, and after texting to apologise, he called back. We just kept talking about movies. He sounded really cool on the phone and knew his way around a computer. Around May, he suggested we see a movie together, and I agreed.

    Subomi: Actually, she didn’t agree at first. She kept coming up with excuses until I figured she probably thought I was asking her on a romantic date. She only relaxed after I clarified that it was a harmless hangout and I wasn’t looking for anything more.

    Damilola: To be fair, I didn’t want to send mixed signals. You know how men can be. You’re just being nice, and the next thing you know, they’ve drawn a thousand conclusions of their own. I didn’t want that drama at all.

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    Fair enough. How did the date go?

    Subomi: We laughed a lot, ended up watching two movies, and the most interesting bit was how we split the cost. Even though it wasn’t a romantic date, I’d planned to pay for everything, but Damilola wasn’t having it. If I paid for something, she insisted on paying for the next.

    Damilola: Like I said, I didn’t want to blur the lines. He was just a platonic friend, and there was no reason for him to handle my bills. Yes, friends splurge on each other, but we were just starting out, and I didn’t think we’d gotten to that level yet.

    At the end of the date, Subomi commented on my looks. He said I looked prettier in person and that I fit his spec. I didn’t know if it was a harmless compliment or a flirting comment, but I said “thank you” and kept it moving. We didn’t see each other again for four months.

    Curious, Subomi. Were you flirting?

    Subomi: More like testing the waters. She looked so hot that day. The thing is, she barely posted pictures, and when she did, they were black and white. I couldn’t really tell what she looked like, and it would’ve been weird to randomly ask for her picture. So, I always assumed she was “just there.” But that cinema date? I was so excited because I finally got to see her.

    That compliment was my first step in moving things beyond friendship. She ticked all my boxes physically, and we already got along so well. I wanted more than friendship.

    But were you searching before?

    Subomi: Not actively. I’d been single for a while and wanted a relationship, but I wasn’t on dating apps or pursuing any talking stages. I’d not seen what I really wanted, but I was patient enough to wait. The moment I saw Damilola, I knew she was the one. I can’t explain, but my heart just knew. 

    Right. Damilola, did you want him, though?

    Damilola:  I don’t think we’d be here otherwise.

    After that compliment at the cinema, he became more direct with his intentions. We’d spend hours talking and texting not just about movies anymore, but about our families, future plans, and what we wanted in relationships.

    Through it all, Subomi realised I was almost push him into the friend zone, and he didn’t want that. To be fair, it wasn’t intentional. It was easy to see him as a friend first. Whenever he started his sweet talk, it felt jarring until I reminded myself that this person actually wanted more.

    Fast forward to October 2023, we went on another cinema date. This time, it was clear it wasn’t a platonic one. 

    [ad] 

    Subomi: I asked her to be my girlfriend on October 15, 2023, and she accepted. I remember telling a friend a week before that I planned to ask her out. He encouraged me to go for it because I kept saying we needed more time to build our friendship. I didn’t think five months was enough, but he warned me I might get friend-zoned if I waited too long, so I asked.

    Sweet. So what were the early days like?

    Subomi: Chaotic. We had to do long-distance almost immediately, and Damilola didn’t like that. I didn’t either, but I didn’t have a choice. I was transferred from our Lagos office to Osun State, and although I started the relocation process immediately, I knew it would take some time.

    During those early days, we didn’t really act like a couple. We still did the same things we did as friends — gist about movies, talk about our day, occasional video calls, and move on.

    Damilola: I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. On one hand, I was glad the distance meant we didn’t have to get intimate right away. I take a long time to settle into intimacy, and that has caused problems in past relationships. So, Subomi’s absence meant he couldn’t ask for anything sexual yet, and that was a relief.

    On the other hand, it didn’t feel like we were a couple. It was like we’d just continued the friendship, but with a new label. Soon, we started having issues. He always wanted me to say sweet, flowery things, but that’s not my style. I could say them in person, but not over texts or calls. He wanted me to end every conversation with “I love you” and often asked for selfies, but I refused.

    Subomi: I didn’t feel like her boyfriend. Since we couldn’t be together physically, I thought we could at least maintain emotional closeness. I did all these small romantic things and I expected her to reciprocate. But she always said she’d do them when we were together. Sometimes, I’d ask for regular selfies of her at work or home, and she’d shut me down. It was almost like I’d asked for something inappropriate. It was frustrating, but I channelled that frustration into speeding up my relocation back to Lagos. It finally happened two weeks before December 2023. 

    Nice. Did things get better?

    Damilola: They did. I was excited to finally have my boyfriend, especially with the festive season coming up. I didn’t want to spend Christmas and New Year alone.

    The week he returned, it was as if we had suddenly forgotten all our petty fights and arguments. Looking back, I don’t even think those issues were that deep. We were just two lovers who missed each other and got frustrated by distance. Subomi didn’t even need to make a move for intimacy; I reached for him first. It felt natural, and unlike with previous partners, I didn’t overthink it. I spent weekends at his place and stayed with him for the entire Christmas and New Year’s week. Interestingly, I think our honeymoon phase only began months after we started dating.

    Subomi: Spending time together made the earlier months of our relationship feel like child’s play. It was almost as if we’d only just started dating properly. Honestly, I don’t think anyone should do long-distance relationships. One hill I’m willing to die on is that most LDR problems disappear once the couple spends time together.

    Suddenly, all my doubts about whether she loved me disappeared. Damilola smothered me with kisses and was super touchy — her head on my chest, her hands in my dreads or on my bum. I realised she wasn’t expressive with words but showed affection physically. She also met my mum and siblings during the New Year, and everyone loved her.

    Sadly, just when I thought we’d finally found our rhythm, something happened and it almost toppled our relationship.

    What happened?

    Damilola: A bedwetting incident that Subomi didn’t handle well. I’d spent the weekend at his place, and I don’t know if I drank too much the night before or my body reacted to a blood pressure medication, but I woke up in horror at midnight and shook Subomi awake. At first, he thought it was him until I told him it was me. I felt beyond embarrassed. My mind was racing, but Subomi stayed calm. He told me to go clean up while he took care of the mess. By the time I came back, he’d changed the sheets and flipped the mattress so we could sleep on the other side till morning. Thankfully, it wasn’t too soaked. He held me close, and I fell asleep in his arms, worried but relieved that he didn’t make it awkward. I was so wrong.

    Subomi: I still don’t think I handled it badly, but I can understand how my actions might’ve come across. That morning, I insisted we take the mattress outside to dry, but Damilola said it wasn’t necessary. She wanted to leave it on the balcony, but I worried it wouldn’t get enough sun and might start to smell.

    Maybe it was my insistence or my casual mention of a “foul smell,” but she got into a terrible mood afterwards. That night, I also suggested she skip her medication for a day to avoid another incident. She snapped, “What do you mean?” I tried to explain that I wasn’t implying anything, but everything I said just made it worse. I eventually kept quiet. She left my place the next morning and ignored my calls and texts for days.

    Curious, Damilola. You mentioned feeling relieved and supported after the accident. What changed?

    Damilola: There was a disconnect between his actions and words. He cleaned up and ensured everything was fine, but some of his comments sounded weird. I was dealing with the deepest level of embarrassment. I had a terrible bedwetting episode as a child, and this was the first time it happened in over twenty years.

    So, hearing my partner say the room might smell or asking if I’d taken a drug that made me bedwet just hit wrong. I didn’t focus on how kind he’d been that night; I fixated on those comments. I guess I was still too embarrassed to see the good in the situation.

    I can imagine. Did you eventually respond?

    Subomi: She didn’t. I had to show up at her place the next weekend. Even then, I didn’t bring it up right away. I’d had time to think about everything and how she must’ve felt.

    We spent the evening catching up and even went to our favourite amala spot. On our way back, I asked when she was coming over again, and she said she didn’t know. That response made me break my silence. I told her whatever happened was a non-issue and that I was in this with her for the long haul. I even joked that I was ready to wipe her ass and bathe her if it ever came to that.

    Damilola: They were sweet words — flattering, even — but not enough to change my mind. I didn’t sleep over again until my doctors changed my medication. Apparently, one of them increased the frequency of my urination. It wasn’t exactly what caused the bedwetting, but they changed it anyway.

    It took a month or so of staying home to feel confident that it wouldn’t happen again before I visited him. It’s funny now, but at the time, it was one of the most awkward moments of my life.

    Makes sense why you’d feel that way. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

    Damilola: Subomi doesn’t understand what it means to be embarrassed. I know that sounds like I’m calling him shameless, but that’s not what I mean. When it comes to his family, friends, or anyone he loves, there’s no shame in his playbook. He’ll do whatever needs to be done.

    I’m free when I’m around him; I don’t have to worry about being perfect. He embraces my imperfections and never makes me feel bad about them. That’s rare. Sure, he says a few annoying things, but I know his intentions are never bad.

    Subomi: My babe brings out the best in me. I’m learning to be more sensitive to people’s feelings and to show up better. It’s one thing to be present for someone; it’s another to make them feel cared for. I used to think actions were enough, but I’ve learnt that kind words matter too. Damilola makes me want to be better for her and for myself.

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    How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

    Subomi: I’d give us a 9.5. We understand each other, and we’re in this for as long as we draw breath.

    Damilola:  9. We’ve gotten a lot of things right, and I can only imagine what it’ll be like to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m looking forward to that reality.

     *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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