Driving in Lagos state is not the same as driving anywhere else in the world m. Here’s what you need to know if you want to learn how to drive correctly in Lagos.
1) Have a spare car in your compound
Driving in Lagos means you should have a spare car in your house. Because if , the real owners of the car decide to help you bash it, will you now be left with nothing? If you want to drive and you don’t have a spare car, better enter a cab.
2) Drop your sanity at home
Lagos roads are not a place for people with sound minds. They’re for people who have nothing to lose. When you decide to drive on a Lagos road, you need to embody the spirit of someone who can do anyhow at any time. Scary stuff, but it needs to be done.
3) Always have enough food stuff in your car
With traffic that often lasts longer than the will to live, you should always make sure that you have enough to cook. As a passenger, you can sleep and pretend to not be hungry. However, if you’re driving, you need all the energy. You fit make sharp-sharp amala.
In Lagos, everyone that drives is right. Even if they’re passing one-way or bashing your car, they’re right. You too need to embody the spirit of always being right.
5) LASTMA is your biggest opp
As you drive, have it at the back of your mind. LASTMA officers are out for blood, so don’t give them any. Complete papers, fire extinguisher, and whatever else they need. If not, the billing that’ll occur will wreck you.
To drive in Lagos state, you don’t rate pedestrians. The road was not built with them in mind, so why will you drive with them in mind?
7) Refresh your insults vocabulary
Every morning before you enter the road, refresh the insults in your vocabulary. Driving in Lagos means you have to be constantly innovating with your insultive creativity.
Driving in Lagos will traumatise you, so you should have the person that’ll un-traumatise you. If you didn’t have a therapist before, better go and book one before you hit the road.
[donation]
The Biblical Sodom and Gomorrah were burnt down because of the kinds of sins that happened there. However, what Doctor Strange didn’t see was that a city called Lagos was going to emerge in the future and pick up from where Sodom and Gomorrah stopped. Lagos didn’t just take a page from Sodom and Gomorrah’s handbook; it copied the whole assignment.
1. Lagos is this hot because Sodom and Gomorrah are still burning
Lagos is only this hot because the old cities are still on fire. Even when it rains, it’s hot. Lagos probably sprung up from the fire that burnt Sodom and Gomorrah to the ground. While God isn’t destroying Lagosians with direct fire, the heat has to be some sort of warning.
2. Lagos is going to show you pepper
If the heat from the sun hasn’t destroyed you, the pepper Lagosians are going to show you is going to cause complete destruction. You’ll see and taste the pepper when Lagos people are done dealing with you. We’re sure this is a Sodom and Gomorrah update sha. Sodom and Gomorrah Pro Max. The pepper isn’t atarodo; no, it’s wickedness raised to unimaginable powers.
3. We’ve seen sin before, but the sin in Lagos is a discovery.
Don’t question where we got our data from. We aren’t sure the Sodomites (if that’s what they were called) committed half the sins going on in Lagos before they were wiped off the face of the earth. Lagosians saw the sins that were committed in Sodom and decided to make it their life’s mission to top them.
4. Lagosians and fornication are 5& 6.
The people of Sodom and Gomorrah liked to have sex — it’s probably one of the main reasons their city got burned down. There was someone in Sodom and Gomorrah taking notes of all the sex positions they tried out and the person dropped the notes in the new Lagos. Lagosians are building on all the fornication that happened in Sodom and Gomorrah.
This week’s What She Said is Small Pepper, a 53-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about moving to Lagos to make it in the 90s, the realities of supporting six younger siblings in 1992 as the first daughter and her transition into the money lending business to survive and become her own person.
So, Small Pepper?
Haha! My mama nicknamed me after my height and personality — I knew how to make trouble. I started helping her with sales and debt collection when I was 13 because I used to flare up like pepper, so she would tell me to help her harass customers owing her money for soft drinks. My father was always away because of his job as a police officer, so as the first daughter of eight children, I had to support my mum. I knew exactly how to harass her debtors into paying immediately. That’s how “Small Pepper” stuck.
Did you ever have to hold anybody’s knicker to fight?
I was too short to fight anybody oh. It was my mouth people always wanted to avoid. I remember a man that borrowed ₦50,000 from my mum and kept dodging her each time she went to his compound to look for him. She reported the matter to me and one morning, I strolled to his store where he sold palm wine. I waited till he went to the back of his shop, then seized the kegs of palm wine lined up in front of his shop. He obviously got the message because he turned up a few days later with the initial loan and profit for my mum.
Mad oh! Did this experience as “Small Pepper” play any role in your life as an adult?
I worked at my mothers shop until I got admission into the University of Benin at 17. So that was five years of helping her manage the business and learning the art of buying and selling. These skills wass how I survived the madness of Lagos in 1992 without my family.
What happened in Lagos?
I finished my NYSC at 23 and after my service in 1991, my family moved from Lagos when my father decided to retire from his job as a police officer. We moved to our hometown called Agbor, in Delta state and I hated it there. I was at home most of the time because there was little to do, but I needed to find a way to earn money to support my older brother and six younger siblings. Naturally, I moved to Lagos to “make it big.”
The Lagos Dream. How did that go?
I was 24 and living without depending on my family for the first time. You had to be mad to survive. It was a place one could easily get lost, especially as a Johnny Just Come (JJC) like me. I remember entering the wrong bus going to Orile from Ojuelegba, misplacing my money and having to beg. In Lagos, everybody must beg a bus driver at least once. I once fell down on the road to weep after someone had emptied my bag on my way to Orile. I cried until people dashed my money. Knowing Lagos now, the thief could have been among the people dashing me money.
LOL. Did you have a plan on how to make it big though?
I just knew I wanted to work. There was no big plan in my head besides getting to Lagos and getting a job — even as a secretary. So making it started out with squatting at my cousin’s house in Ajegunle. The same week I arrived, I went to look for my dad’s old colleague that had lived with us at the Police barracks in Ikeja years back. He was recently promoted to inspector general of police, so I hoped he would remember me and help me get a job.
Did it work out?
Yes. He connected me to a friend who owned a fruit drink company in Mushin, and I worked as his accountant. I didn’t know how much I was going to get paid, but I believed it was better than nothing. It was great until I got the first cheque for my salary: ₦5,000. Excitement for the job cleared from my eyes. As the first daughter, I had to support my retired parents. They never said it, but I knew they expected me to live up to the same responsibilities as my elder brother who also supported them. My mother’s business wasn’t even bringing in enough money to support sending my younger siblings to school at that point. So who could I support with ₦5,000? It just felt like an insult plus joke. I dropped the cheque on my desk and quit the job.
Ah. I’m curious about what ₦5k could have gotten you in Lagos in 1992.
It cost me at least ₦300 to get to Mushin from Ajegunle and back each day for the month. Then I would buy lunch for about ₦100 from Iya Bunmi. So that was about ₦400 everyday to just get to the office and eat for a month. If I had only myself to think of, maybe I could have managed it somehow. But I had six younger siblings that needed to go to school and my elder brother was also barely making it as a lawyer in Lagos. Even after sending money home, I still had to add in ₦1000 each month, at my cousin’s house. So I can’t relate to the jokes about how you could have survived with ₦100 in the 90’s, when there were people like me weighed down by the support they needed to give their families. So don’t always believe those ₦100 tales, ₦5k could have been just as little for a lot of my peers in the 90’s.
Interesting. What did you do next?
I decided to focus on what I knew I understood perfectly — being Small Pepper. I bought bras and pants from Obalende to resell to my working class friends. I can’t lie; it was difficult to accept the reality of selling underwear just to survive. I thought I was going to get one of those white collar jobs in the fancy offices my friends talked about in school, but it had to be done. I even got a Coca-Cola license to buy
and sell drinks like my mama, but I just gave it to a friend that needed it more who had a shop already.
What was the hardest part about trying to get a job then?
I kept reaching out to my father’s contacts to assist me with getting jobs in Lagos. In the 90s, success really depended on who your father knew and the calibre of men you mingled with. Surviving revolved a lot around the willingness of a man to help you. Any job I had back then involved depending on an uncle, distant male cousin or brother. It wasn’t the best feeling having to depend on people. I’ll never forget the way one of my dad’s contacts from the police force stared at me. I just knew it was better to be on the streets than go any further with my request.
So what did you do?
Many things. It took almost five years for things to get better. A neighbour who also worked as a broker became my friend when I moved to Ojodu Berger in 1995. After he found out we were from the same tribe, he was interested in helping me learn to buy shares; I bought 500 units each from First Bank and Wema Bank. That’s how I started to understand how to run things in Lagos: you have to earn outside your 9-5 to have money to spend. I really started scaling through when I got into the banking sector in 1997. A friend connected me to a marketing position at International Trust Bank (now EcoBank). I got into the business of loaning money to individuals. I noticed some people came into the bank with ideas they needed to fund, but processing the loans took too long. So I decided to use the opportunity to set up a business that loaned money to the customers that couldn’t wait for the whole process. I offered a higher monthly interest rate, but people were willing to pay because it was a faster process. When the bank decided to retrench workers, I lost my job, but I kept all the customers I had and set up a proper loaning business in 2001. All my “Small Pepper” skills came to play here.
LOL. You stole the bank’s customers?!
Look, every moment is a business potential and women are smart enough to see it. It’s just difficult to be bold about it sometimes. I couldn’t afford to desperately need anyone in the 90s. So that’s a moment in my life I would never change.
Through all of this, what are you most proud of achieving?
Being able to support my family as the first daughter. I had an older brother who came to Lagos as well and we both had to find our way so our six younger siblings didn’t have to struggle the way we did. Half of them are out of the country now, so I’d say those nights I could only afford a digestive biscuit to eat paid off.
Do you have any regrets?
I just wish I did more for myself even through the struggles of being in Lagos on my own. The goal was to never have to work again at some point. And that’s where I am right now. From depending on the men in my life to get jobs, to creating my own source of income loaning money to people like my mother back then. I’d say I did okay and I have no regrets leaving everything behind to come back to Lagos in 1992. I could’ve gotten myself more bags though. I wasn’t into make up or hair back then, but handbags? I loved them.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you are a Lagos babe or a babe that lives in Lagos, we’ve written this article to help you understand the difference.
Definition
Lagos babe: A woman living in Lagos who understands the intricacies of the city and knows how to live lavish in Lagos.
Big or small, wins are wins. Here are ten reasons to you need to give yourself some credit for 2021. Tag a friend that needs this too.
Babe that lives in Lagos: As the name implies, a woman whose house is in Lagos.
Characteristics of a Lagos babe
1. A Lagos babe doesn’t have to have a house in Lagos to be a Lagos babe
What defines a Lagos babe is not a house in Lagos but her deep understanding of how Lagos works. A Lagos babe knows her way around Lagos like the back of her palm.
2. A Lagos babe runs things, things don’t run her
A Lagos babe is undeterred by the chaos that is Lagos. She knows plans shouldn’t be set in stone so she is ever ready to adapt when Lagos changes her plans.
3. A Lagos babe can change it for you anytime.
She doesn’t care whether she is in a 3-star restaurant masking as a 5-star restaurant, she will treat your fuck up in her rich aunty boubou. She no send your papa.
4. Lagos babes belong to the streets
Lagos babes know all there is to know about the streets. People on the streets know her and she knows them. On the other hand, when a babe who lives in Lagos finds herself on the streets, all she wants to do is go home.
5. Lagos babes struggle to settle in places that are not Lagos
If she travels to a chill place like Abuja, she might complain that it’s too slow for her. She needs the Lagos rush to stay alive.
6. Lagos babes don’t have curfew
Forget what Bubu and his people said about COVID. Lagos babes don’t have a curfew but babes living in Lagos do. Make of this what you will.
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As everyone that has ever solicited the services of artisans in Lagos knows, it can be a very infuriating experience. And for many reasons too. So we figured that we’d list and talk about four of them today. Because there’s nothing better than finding out that you’re not alone in your frustration.
1) Finding them.
As you go about your life in this Lagos, you will come across multiple shops and stations for different kinds of artisans. You’ll even think to yourself, “How are these so close to each other? Don’t they fight for business?” All this will change when you actually need one. All those shops you saw? No longer there. It’ll be like the universe is altering reality just to mess with you. Then you’ll have to start calling everyone you know to ask if they have a carpenter or baker on speed dial. The worst.
2) Getting them to show up.
Let’s say you get lucky and actually procure the number of an artisan you need from a friend. You call the person and tell them what you need to be done, and they say, “Ok.” You’re ecstatic because you think your troubles are over. You’re wrong, though. Because an artisan in Lagos actually arriving when they promise they will is a cosmic event that’ll trigger an ice age so cold, hell will freeze over.
3) Getting them to do their work on time.
After showing up late as hell, they’ll now proceed to work in slow motion. It’s almost like they think you have no plans for your life on any given day and can afford to clear your schedule and just sit around and watch them work slower than Wonder Women in every action scene of hers in Zack Synder’s Justice League.
4) Getting them to actually do their work properly.
Artisans in Lagos LOVE to complain when you demand that they redo a thing because they’ve done an obviously terrible job with said thing. They will complain so loud, any passerby will think they’re doing you a favour, as opposed to the fact that you’re paying them money in exchange for a service.
Avoid all this stress and just find artisans that sabi the work on wrkman.
wrkman is the service that connects you to service providers & artisans around you whenever you need them. It has an inbuilt location-based search feature so you can get service providers closest to you. Basically, it’s a way for customers to reach as many artisans as possible and vice versa. You don’t have to worry about rude artisans who have no idea what they’re doing because the people at wrkman vet and verify every single artisan who registers on the platform.
Getting started on wrkman is easy.
1) Download the app. It is available for both Android and iOS devices on their respective stores, plus it is not large, so it does not take up your phone’s storage.
2) Sign up either as a user or a service provider. From there, there are two different registration paths depending on which category you fall into.
Did you know the codes on plate numbers represent the local government in which the vehicle was registered? Well, now you do.
In this timed quiz, try to guess what the Lagos plate number codes mean. Think you can score more than 9?
Take the quiz
Questions
This is a question
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
What area does this code represent?
You got #{score}/#{total}
Come o, did you just come here to play? What is this score? Please leave here.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You tried small. You’re not a Lagos OG, but you’re getting there.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Sanwo-Olu, is that you? You killed it! Na you get Lagos.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re out having a good time and some random person just asks if you’re married (even though they most likely already know the answer)? If you’ve ever been in this situation and didn’t know how to fire back, here are some responses you can go with next time that will make the nosy person’s head spin.
And?
Ask them what that has to do with anything. So you’re married, and so bloody what? Is it a union or a prison? Remind them that it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just a certificate and a ring.
Just a little bit
How can anyone blame you for cheating when you’re just a little bit married? Basically, you have just one leg in the marriage, and are free to wander and philander around Lagos with the other leg.. If they ask what it means to be a little bit married, tell them to take your answer like that and redirect their focus to the love you have for them.
What exactly do you mean by “married”?
Turn the tables around and interrogate the person. What exactly do they mean by “married”? And yes, it’s a compulsory exam question worth 20 marks. There are many ways to go around a marriage. This is the time to be smart and find that loophole.
Marriage? What does that even mean?
It’s time for you to act like your brain is empty. Marriage? What a foreign concept! All you know is that you’re single and ready to mingle. Anyone that claims to be married to you is obviously delusional.
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Are any of us truly married?
Very important question. Who created these laws of marriage in the first place? Were Adam and Eve married? No. It’s high time we all learned to live on vibes and vibes alone.
But I’m here
Remind them that despite your alleged partner, you are here with them,professing your love, and that’s all that matters. Every other thing is noise. What else do they even want from you? If this isn’t true love, we don’t know what else it could be.
Is it your business?
Anybody who asks about your marital status in public clearly doesn’t mean you well. They were probably sent by your village people to embarrass you. It’s only right that you tear your singlet and fight because they clearly want violence.
Abeg X3
Why are they boxing you in? That’s very disrespectful. It’s time for you to shut down naysayers challenging the validity of your single-hood. Saying you’re married is like an attack and you have to dismiss these accusations to avoid further embarrassment.
These days, most Nollywood films focus on the lives of the upper and middle-class residents of the city, ignoring a large part of its population. Foreign accents, miscast actors, and the Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge characterize what we’ll like to call “Lekkiwood”. While these movies may kill it at the box office, here are some of the films that capture Lagos with a bit more nuance.
Confusion Na Wa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J_oSNR2Etg
Picture this: two local champions (O.C Ukeje and Gold Ikponmwosa) discover a phone, blackmail its owner (Ramsey Noah) based on the content they found, and then have their lives go to shit just because they couldn’t mind their business. Taking inspiration from films like Magnolia and Crash, Confusion Na Wa is a dark comedy flick that follows a group of strangers and explores the way their worlds collide over 24 hours. While the film is set in an anonymous Nigerian city, its chaotic storyline and scenes are a perfect depiction of what it means to live in Lagos – one minute you’re on your own and the next thing, wahaleaux!
Kasala!
Hollywood has given us its fair share of coming-of-age comedies. From Friday and Juice in the 1990sto Superbad in the late 2000s, stories chronicling the crazy misadventures of the American youth have always been in full supply. Ema Edosio’s 2018 comedy Kasala! makes a brave attempt at capturing this feeling for young Nigerians. Set in Surulere, the film follows four young boys who find themselves in serious trouble after they bash a borrowed car on the way to a Lagos party. It is funny, crazy, and all over the place: three words that describe Lagos.
Ghost And The House Of Truth
As fun and exciting as Lagos can be, there is an undeniable sense of danger the city also presents to its inhabitants. One film that does its best to capture this danger is Akin Omotosho’s Ghost and the House of Truth. A 9-year-old goes missing on her way from school, and her working-class mother teams up with a pregnant police officer in a bid to bring her home. Diving deep into the darker side of Lagos we experience in real life but rarely at the cinema, it finds both ugliness and beauty in areas like Makoko and Iwaya. For Lagosians who navigate these places, it feels good to finally see a reality they can associate with.
Oga Bolaji
Before director Kayode Kasum gained popularity for films like Sugar Rush and Fate of Alakada, he made Oga Bolaji, a film that captures the essence of Lagos in the simplest of ways. Oga Bolaji shows the unpredictable nature of Lagos while asking that its characters get up and try again no matter what. It follows its title character and his chance encounter with a little girl that changes his life forever. You know that resilient hustling spirit that wakes us up in Lagos? Oga Bolaji does its best to bring that to the screen.
The Wedding Party
It is easy to blame this film for the current state of Nollywood. An ensemble cast, a wild family event, and crazy marketing made The Wedding Party one of the highest-grossing Nollywood films of all time. Since then, almost every film has been trying to recreate that blueprint. Nothing says Lagos more than a lavish aso-ebi-filled wedding.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito.
Today, we decided to invite the infamous drink to our office for a little “chat”.
[NAFDAC agents stand in front of Zikoko’s Interviewer]
Zikoko: Please, let’s not mess this up. Remember, we need this Lagos Mojito to confess.
NAFDAC Agents: Yes.
Zikoko: Good. Now go and hide. It will soon be here.
[NAFDAC Agents go into hiding]
Lagos Mojito walks in.
Zikoko: Hello there! Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.
Lagos Mojito: Good morning. Thank you for having me.
Zikoko: Yes, yes. Please have your seat.
As Lagos Mojito makes to sit down, NAFDAC agents jump out of hiding.
NAFDAC Agents: YOU ARE SURROUNDED! PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM. ANY MOVE AND YOU WILL BECOME A BLOODY MARY.
Lagos Mojito: My day of reckoning has finally come. Is this the moment I account for all my sins?
Zikoko: Which sins?
Lagos Mojito: I have hurt enough people in Lagos. I have caused them to have stomach ache, serious purging and vomiting after drinking one glass of me. If you decide to hurt me, I will understand.
Zikoko: Just answer what you’re asked and don’t lie about anything. Are we good on that?
Lagos Mojito: I swear to everyone gathered here today that everything I shall say in this interview shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Zikoko: Good. Now tell us about yourself.
Lagos Mojito: My name is Mojito. The J is silent, so it is pronounced Mohito. I am a traditional Cuban cocktail made of five ingredients: white rum, sugar, lime juice, soda water and mint.
Zikoko: Are you sure about that?
Lagos Mojito: I swore to tell the truth.
Zikoko: In that case, someone is lying, and it certainly isn’t Zikoko.
Lagos Mojito: Lying about what?
Zikoko: Numerous sources have claimed that you are made of ingredients other than those you mentioned.
Lagos Mojito: What ingredients are those?
Zikoko: They say you are sometimes made of scent leaves.
Lagos Mojito: That happened one time when the bartender wanted to add an extra oomph. He decided to get creative, so he plucked some scent leaves growing beside the club toilet and put them inside me. I wanted to complain, but it was dark in the club anyway, so I figured that there could be no harm. Leaf is leaf.
Zikoko: Interesting. So you admit to aiding and abetting criminal acts?
Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. I had no idea the drinker would purge for three days straight.
Zikoko: Someone else claimed she once drank a mojito with ugwu leaves in it. What do you have to say about this?
Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. Because I’m from Cuba, I’m not so familiar with a lot of Nigerian leaves. I usually trust the bartenders with my life, so when they shred leaves and pour inside me, I don’t think to ask because, one, it is usually too dark in the club to actually see what leaf is in the drink, and two, the customers just want to fornicate, so they gulp me down and go after whoever they are chasing.
It is when they start vomiting or running to the toilet that they start questioning just what they have taken.
Zikoko: This is a clever way to get this case off your hands, Mojito.
Lagos Mojito: Interviewer, I tell no lies. Nigeria is full of leaves. I only just started learning about ewedu because someone drank her mojito and complained that it was drawing. The bartender asked her if she would like to try eba with it.
Zikoko: These bartenders, where do they operate?
Lagos Mojito: Lagos restaurants, mainly. Especially those on the island. I am not obligated to name names.
Zikoko: Who are you protecting?
Lagos Mojito: Please, I’ve told you all I know. I don’t know anything else.
Zikoko: You are protecting Lagos bartenders, aren’t you?
Lagos Mojito:[Silence]
Zikoko: Too bad. You of all drinks should know Lagos men have no fidelity. They have ratted you out.
Lagos Mojito: What? Who snitched? What did they say?
Zikoko: The association of Lagos bartenders. Know what they told us?
Lagos Mojito: What?
Zikoko: They said you begged them to bring you to Lagos so their customers could drink you.
Lagos Mojito: I beg your pardon?
Zikoko: They said you told them you wanted to be localised to suit the Nigerian palate. That you were the one who told them to put all those leaves inside you.
Lagos Mojito: Ha!
Zikoko: They even said you suggested bitterleaf once, but because they have the fear of God, they refused.
Lagos Mojito: These people have finished me. I was on my own oh. Flourishing in Cuba and popping. That was how one Lagos bartender watched me on YouTube and lied to his employers that he could make me. Why the lies?
Zikoko: A certain Chef Obubu mentioned that you are made of afang leaves, toothpaste and alcohol.
Lagos Mojito: See, if anyone wants to drink a correct Mojito, they better go abroad. I came to Lagos and my life turned upside down. First, they started to pronounce the “J” in my name, and before I knew it, I became Mojisola because they were adding orisirisi inside me.The real me has died and my spirit has left my body. I am just moonlighting as a Mojito so the funds can come in.
Zikoko: Why didn’t you speak up all this while? Why let Lagosians consume a dead drink?
Lagos Mojito: My interviewer, Lagos alcoholics shock me with what they consume. They don’t care if the drink is dead or alive, they just want it. How could I actually tell such a person that I am not Mojito, but Mojisola, the Yoruba speaking ghost of the actual Cuban Mojito?
Zikoko: Can you speak Yoruba?
Lagos Mojito: Yes. Tuale omo iya mi, ko durosoke, oluaye bambam!
Zikoko: These are agbero slangs. Where did you learn them from?
Lagos Mojito: Oh, agbo jedi sellers now market me. They make me with moringa and ogogoro, and add me to their opa eyin and ale. It’s just the ice that is missing.
Lagos Mojito sitting pretty at the tarmac.
Zikoko: You have lived a rough life.
Lagos Mojito: I have.
[Lagos Mojito bursts into tears]
Zikoko: It’s okay, it’s okay. The NAFDAC agents will take you with them for treatment. When they are done, they will give you a NAFDAC number.
Lagos Mojito: Why?
Zikoko: That way, no Lagos restaurant will be able to make counterfeits of you. Henceforth, any Lagos restaurant whose mojito is without a NAFDAC number will be arrested.
Lagos Mojito:[Sighs deeply] I appreciate your efforts, but I am beyond redemption now. If you want to save anyone, please save my cousin. He has suffered more than me.
Zikoko: Who is this cousin you speak of?
Lagos Mojito: Long Island Iced Tea. Please rescue him.
[Lagos Mojito draws a long breath and collapses as NAFDAC agents rush to resuscitate it.]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
Every three months, a Lagos restaurant gets dragged. Do you want to hear the truth? We should make it a weekly thing until they change their ways. You people are still being tricked by the aesthetics, and we are here to tell you to open your eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES.
If you must eat at a Lagos restaurant, you need to know these things:
1. First of all, eat small rice before you leave your house.
Because whatever they serve you at a Lagos restaurant will never satisfy you. Even if you order a whole platter, your stomach will still be empty. Do you know why? It’s because 50% of your order is for aesthetics. Your actual hunger is not their business.
2. Carry your own water with you.
One day, Lagos restaurant owners will answer for their unarmed robbery. How can you sell a bottle of 50cl water for ₦500? Water that they are selling for ₦100 on the streets. Water that God gave us freely. Anyway, maybe if you are a tech bro or babe and you have ₦500 to spend on water, you can buy there. If not, please fill your Ragolis bottle and tuck it in your handbag or pocket before entering any Lagos restaurant. Save your money. #FinancialTipsByZikoko
3. If you see any restaurant with “La” in its name, just run.
A Lagos restaurant with La in its name? Nna ehn, please La-run, cause they will serve you La-YamaYama and La-Overcharge you. La-GodForbid, abeg.
4. If you have plans to eat by 8pm, get there by 6pm, but order by 5:30pm.
I don’t know how you will do it, but it must be done. Otherwise, you will sit for almost 2 hours waiting for the order they told you will be ready in 30 minutes. It’s almost as if they run to the market to buy yam and goat meat immediately after you place your order. So while you’re thinking that your fries are being thawed, the cook is actually begging the market woman to cut remove ₦500 from the price of Irish potatoes.
A Lagos restaurant chef at Oyingbo market while the cusomer waits for the Skelewu Parmesan Jollof Rice they ordered.
5. Please and please, ask them to bring ice and drink in separate glasses.
Lagos restaurants will serve you 80% ice cubes and 20% Chivita juice for a drink they call “Tropicana Deliciousa Frapapa” and sell for N3,500. One sip and emptiness is staring at you from the glass. Please, that scam is enough. If you will be drinking Chivita, at least it should be one full glass. Don’t back down. If they refuse to do it that way, leave. They will call you back to beg you. Tweet at us if they don’t call you back.
6. If they have plants, either fake or real, please run.
Those ones will rob you but make it natural, as per green and nature vibes. Shina Rambo and Anini, but with climate change and healthy lifestyle as their watchword.
7. If you have dinner plans for 9pm, eat bread and beans by 12pm in the afternoon and start drinking water ahead.
This one is because we love you and your wallet. If you can eat a healthy portion of bread and beans in your house by noon, hunger won’t smell your side till later that night. Which will help you if you’re planning to be at a Lagos restaurant at night.
8. Expect the lights to go off at some point.
Is it a Lagos restaurant if NEPA does not display their true colours? Just pray the restaurant does not use darkness as their aesthetics, or you will be sitting in the dark until NEPA brings back the light. And if you’re lucky, they can light a few candles for you, and you will then have to tell your date that candlelit dinner was the plan all along.
9. Appetize yourself before leaving home.
Appetize oh. APPETIZE. Or you’ll eat have to order an appetizer that costs N8,000. It wouldn’t be a bad thing if the appetizers made sense, but three measly wings with fries that don’t even look happy to be there? What is appetizing about that?
10. You’ll spend almost N10,000 to go back home.
There will be a surge, of course. Only God knows if it’s ghosts that are ordering these rides and causing the surge. But that’s for another day. My own is, please plan well. Imagine spending almost N30k to visit a hot restaurant with expensive food and then getting stuck in traffic when you could eat the rice you have at home and reduce your chances of back pain? You are getting older oh, better learn to love your home more.
