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  • There’s no feeling as unsettling as realising you’re jealous of the person you love, especially when it forces you to confront parts of yourself you’d rather ignore. In this article, five Nigerians share the uncomfortable ways jealousy crept into their relationships and how they’ve learned to navigate those feelings.

    “Motherhood has taken so much from me, but he’s unaffected” — Omotola, 43

    Having kids reshaped Omotola’s* entire life, and watching her husband remain untouched by those changes became the root of her resentment.

    “I haven’t felt good about myself since 2013, when I started having children. Three consecutive pregnancies changed my body. My face looked tired and drawn, and I constantly felt weak, sometimes struggling after the shortest walks. Meanwhile, my husband still looked fresh, moved around with ease, and never had to deal with the physical or emotional toll I carried. 

    What pushed me over the edge was the lack of support after each birth. Even my in-laws, who came to ‘help’, still sent me on errands. My husband would sit legs crossed, while I struggled to move around with a healing body. I often found myself wishing I were him. That was the start of a deep resentment I didn’t know I could feel.

    Years later, I still haven’t found my spark. Earlier this year, a church member jokingly said my husband was ‘shining more’ than me, even though he’s older. They meant it as a harmless compliment, but I haven’t forgiven it. It’s hard to come to terms with how much motherhood has taken from me while he seems untouched in comparison.”

    “She doesn’t know what it’s like to worry about money” — Nathan* 32

    For Nathan*, dating a partner who’s blind to her privilege has been an experience that tugs at his heart.

    “My girlfriend comes from a wealthy family. Her parents cover most of her expenses, but she still asks me for things. I’m doing okay for myself, but sometimes I wish I had the same safety net she grew up with because I know I’d use it differently.

    What really gets to me is how she talks about the economy. She complains about cutting back on shopping while I’m stressing over savings and long-term plans. We’re clearly affected in very different ways, yet she speaks as if we’re experiencing the same struggle. I’ve tried to ignore it, but the frustration shows in small ways. Whenever she asks for something, my first instinct is to say I don’t have it. I feel like she’s used to being provided for and automatically expects the same from me, without considering my reality.

    I don’t think she’s intentionally insensitive. Most of it comes from not understanding what it’s like to worry about money. Still, I don’t like these feelings and how they make me act. She’s a good person, so I’m trying to acknowledge my emotions and work through them so her privilege doesn’t become a barrier between us. If I can manage that, I believe the relationship will be much healthier.”

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    “I made her lose a job that would’ve paid her millions” — Lawal*, 41

    Lawal’s* fear of losing control in his marriage ran so deep that it led him to stand in the way of his wife’s biggest opportunity.

    “My wife is an accountant, but I helped her start a tailoring business while she searched for a proper job. Over the years, I’ve changed my mind about wanting her to get a corporate job; she’s shown me how bossy and controlling she can be. During arguments, she talks anyhow and hurls insults. So I convinced myself it was safer if I handled most of the financial responsibilities; at least that way, I still had some autonomy.

    Last year, a close friend who works at a big finance company told me of an opening and asked if my wife was interested. I was shocked when I saw the salary ran into millions. I told him I’d send her CV, but I kept stalling. 

    We’d just had another fight, and the thought of her earning millions while I earned thousands scared me. I didn’t want more resentment between us, so I didn’t send the CV or told her about the opportunity.

    When my friend eventually said he’d given the job to someone else, the guilt hit me. I told myself I did it to protect my home, but when I prayed about it later, I knew  jealousy played a much bigger role than I wanted to admit.”

    “He takes his parents for granted” — Uju*, 28

    Uju* thought her tough upbringing made her immune to family wounds,  until her boyfriend’s loving family made her see things differently.

    “I grew up without parents and moved between different relatives’ homes. They didn’t maltreat me, but I never experienced the attentive care children get from their own parents. I thought I’d made peace with it and convinced myself it didn’t affect me. 

    Then in 2023, when I started dating my partner, I realised that part of me was still deeply wounded.

    My boyfriend’s parents are very involved in his life. His mum travels far distances just to see him, cooks soups, stocks his fridge, and fusses over him with genuine affection. His dad also calls often to check in or pray for him. Yet he constantly calls them overbearing and even ignores their calls. Whenever he complains, it irritates me. 

    A year into the relationship, I got close to his parents myself. I checked in and tried to be as helpful as possible. But my boyfriend didn’t appreciate the gesture. He said it made him uncomfortable, adding that I was crossing boundaries and oversharing his private details with his mum. 

    He also said he no longer felt comfortable talking to me about family issues because I always redirected the conversation back to what I never had. He said I made him feel guilty for having parents at all. It hurt to hear, and I considered ending the relationship.

    But after speaking to a few people, I began to understand where he was coming from. I realised many of my reactions were tied to a longing that turned into irritation whenever I saw him taking his parents for granted.

    Now I’m more self-aware. I respect his boundaries and let him handle his family issues without inserting myself. Still, I always feel a certain way whenever he complains about them.”

    “I felt inferior next to her” — Fiaza*, 30

    Faiza* adored her girlfriend, but standing beside someone who commanded every room slowly built her insecurities.

    “My ex-girlfriend is extremely attractive. She’s the kind of woman who turns heads everywhere she goes, and that was one of the first things that drew me to her. I, on the other hand, have always struggled with my body. I’ve been overweight for years, and after trying so many times to change it, I eventually gave up.

    Whenever we went out, people compared us without saying a word. Men who didn’t know we were a couple walked up to her and flirted right in front of me. What hurt even more was that she never told them off. She mostly responded politely. Meanwhile, nobody ever noticed or approached me. Even my own friends commented on how hot she was, but never said anything sweet about me.

    I was embarrassed to admit it, but I always felt insecure standing next to her. I’d shut down whenever we went out and sometimes avoided going out because I hated how it made me feel. She noticed the change and asked what was wrong, but I always brushed it off. We argued about my coldness so many times that it eventually broke us up less than a year into the relationship.

    Looking back, I know jealousy played a big part. She didn’t deserve the weight of my insecurities, and I should’ve worked on myself.”

    Read Next: I Was Barely 18 When He Abandoned Me With a Baby

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  • Jealousy is a normal part of human experience, but it often takes on a sharper edge in friendships. These Nigerians share how envy crept into their strongest bonds and soured relationships they once trusted.

    “She lied about being abroad just to compete with me” — Blessing*, 39

    I had a close friend at work, Rukky*. We were on the same team and about the same age, so our friendship felt natural.   The company we worked at downsized after the COVID-19 pandemic, and she lost her job. I was devastated for her, but we stayed close. I checked in regularly, bought her small things, and supported her.

    Meanwhile, my career was moving forward. I got promoted and was even sent abroad for assignments. Because she was my closest friend, I shared all my progress with her. Over time, I noticed her reactions were off. She was never as happy as I expected. Once, when I was selected for a six-month training abroad, she insinuated I was selfish for leaving my daughter behind instead of congratulating me.

    I brushed it off as genuine concern, but her envy became clearer in 2022 when I had another baby. I delivered in the US while she was also pregnant. A few months after my return, she claimed she had travelled to the US to deliver, but she never left Nigeria. I found out when my brother bumped into her at a pepper soup joint here in Abuja. Earlier that day, she texted me about adjusting to the weather abroad. She begged him not to tell me, so I never confronted her. It shocked me that she went that far to keep up appearances.

    Rukky’s behaviour only grew stranger. She would send me pictures of expensive clothes and jewellery she bought, but whenever I shared my wins, she picked apart the costs. The final straw came last year when I got promoted to a senior role. Everyone congratulated me except her. She read the message and said nothing. When I asked, she claimed she’d forgotten. That was the moment I knew the friendship had turned toxic. I let it go for my peace of mind.

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    “He badmouthed me to his wife after our phone call” — Samuel*, 73

    Before my retirement in 2021, I had been a lecturer. Soon after, I reconnected with Collins*, another lecturer I’d known through our fellowship. We had not been very close, but since we lived in a small town and joined several community groups together, we became friends.

    Whenever I mentioned my children’s achievements, Collins quickly tried to match up with his own stories, almost like we were competing. His children had not achieved the same level of success, and because mine were all girls, he sometimes used that to talk down on them. It made me uncomfortable, so I learned not to share too much with him.

    One evening in 2023, I called to check on him after noticing he had been absent from some of our meetings. It was a short call, but neither of us remembered to end the call. Then I heard him talking to his wife, and to my shock, he was talking about me. 

    He said I always bragged when I had nothing, questioned my qualifications, and even claimed I sold exam expos to students. He even suggested I cheated my way into my professorial appointment by paying someone to do my academic work.

    I stayed silent and listened for a while before ending the call. At our next fellowship meeting, I confronted him openly. He was shaken but denied everything. Of course, that was the end of our friendship. We often run into each other, but I pretend not to know him.

    “The secret I shared with her ruined my relationship” — Amara*, 44

    Lilian* was my childhood friend. We grew up together in the same church and were close. So  I confided in her when I started dating David*. David was more of a family friend to Lilian. He was schooled in the UK and showed interest in me when he briefly returned to Nigeria in 2004. We bonded and stayed in touch even when he returned to the UK.

    Lilian appeared happy for me, but whenever David came up in our conversations, she made subtle comments suggesting he was not good for me. Regardless, I continued with the relationship.

    Around the time, I was also managing health issues. I had fibroids and a hormonal imbalance. Doctors assured me it would not affect my chances of having children, but back then, there was little awareness about women’s health. I kept it private and trusted only Lilian with the information. Sometimes, she even accompanied me to the hospital, so I believed she understood.

    In late 2005, David suddenly cut me off. He stopped taking my calls and never replied to my texts. It broke me because we had already been discussing marriage. Around the same time, his mother, who had once been warm toward me, suddenly became cold. I could not understand what had changed.

    It was not until 2007 that I found out what had happened. A male member of our church told me Lilian had gone to David’s mother and twisted my health issues into a story that I came from a barren family. He only discovered this because she repeated the same rumour to him when he showed interest in my younger sister.

    The most painful part was realising that after my breakup, she had tried to get close to David herself. Thankfully, he was not interested. Our friendship was already fading by then, so I never confronted her.

    Today, my life proves that she was wrong. I have children;so does my sister. But I will never forget that betrayal, and how the friend I trusted most ruined my relationship.

    “He said it was good something bad finally happened to me” — Gafar*, 26

    I come from a well-to-do family, and while that has helped me, I have always worked hard to stand on my own. Since I moved to Lagos last year, I have shared a flat with Jamal*, who quickly became a friend. I didn’t realise our different backgrounds would become a problem.

    Whenever we were around people, he commented, “Some of us have to hustle, unlike Gafar, who has everything easy.” 

    I ignored it at first, but it kept happening. I was also into crypto and often shared updates with him. But he only told me whenever he had information after he’d cashed out. He joked that I didn’t need the money if I asked why.

    Earlier this year, I put all my funds into a clothing business and got scammed by my supplier. It cost me millions of naira. I was devastated. That night, Jamal and I drank together, and I poured out my feelings. His response shocked me. Instead of consoling me, he said, “At least let something bad happen to you for once.” He even added that life had always been too easy for me, and this scam was just reality catching up.

    In that moment, I realised he’d been jealous all along. We still live together, but I keep him at arm’s length and no longer share my successes or personal wins with him. 

    “She accused me of stealing from her” — Dara*, 23

    In my second year of university, I became friends with Destiny*, a coursemate who moved into my hostel. We had a good dynamic until I noticed a pattern: She constantly commented on my slim figure, telling me how my clothes did not fit, only to later copy my style. If I bought a skirt, she would say it did not suit me, then buy the same one. 

    Still, I trusted her enough to gossip with her and tell her my secrets. Over time, I heard the things I’d told her repeated elsewhere. That strained our friendship, but the final blow came in our final year when she spread rumours of me stealing her power bank. We had identical models, so the accusation seemed plausible.

    When I heard, I went to confront her, and it turned physical. I admit I lost my temper and beat her up. I was able to clear my name, but after that incident, there was no repairing the friendship.

    Looking back, the warning signs had been there from the beginning. I regret that it ended in a fight, but I do not regret walking away. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity

    Read Next: I Reconnected With a Childhood Friend. He Betrayed Me in the Worst Way

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  • Whether it’s a job, a relationship, or just the way someone looks on Instagram, jealousy has a way of creeping into even the closest friendships. For most people, the feeling is uncomfortable, and sometimes a little shameful.

    In this story, five people open up to Zikoko about the moments jealousy reared its head in their friendships and how they handled it.

    “I didn’t notice that the jealousy was building till I caught myself comparing her Instagram photos to mine.” — Jemima* 26, F

    Jemima* started going to the gym to get fit and feel better but she began feeling jealous of her gym buddy when she wasn’t seeing results as fast as she would have liked.

    “I know people say jealousy is a normal feeling but it’s such a jarring thing to feel towards your friend. In 2021, I and a good friend became gym buddies. We both had body goals we were working towards and tried to motivate each other. By 2022, my friend had smashed her goals and was looking great while I had gained more weight. I didn’t notice that the jealousy was building till I caught myself comparing her Instagram photos to mine. 

    I didn’t talk to her about it though, I was afraid of how she would take it if I spoke up about feeling jealous. Instead, I took my time to work on my insecurities privately because it wasn’t her fault that I thought she looked better than me.”

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    “I got jealous when my best friend started dating my crush.” — Remi*, 30, F

    Remi* had never been jealous of her friends until her bestie started dating her uni crush. She shares how an honest conversation years after helped her resolve the feeling.

    “My best friend started dating someone I had a massive crush on in uni. I pretended to be fine with it, but inside, I was boiling. I introduced them, and she knew how much I liked him. It got to a point where I stopped replying to her texts because it felt like she was throwing it in my face. We tried to talk it out, but harsh words were exchanged, and we stopped being close for a few years. We reconnected in 2020, had an honest conversation about it, and rekindled our friendship. In the gap when we weren’t close, I had to learn that jealousy is a normal feeling. It doesn’t make me a bad person, I just needed a space to be honest about my feelings. I’m glad our friendship survived that.”

    “I was jealous of my friends because because I’m a late bloomer” — Abraham*, 26, M

    Abraham* shares how his slow development compared to his mates led hi to jealousy and how sharing his feelings with a friend helped him feel better.

    “I would say I’m a late bloomer. My parents experienced a financial downturn right after I finished secondary school, so I watched all my friends go to university and graduate while I stayed working menial odd jobs to keep body and soul together. It’s not like I wasn’t happy for them, I just wished that good things would happen to me too. 

    It was this month that I finally found a safe space to share how I felt with my closest friend, and it made me feel so much better. He didn’t judge me or try to make it seem like I didn’t want the best for him. He’s been sending me free online courses I can take when I’m off work. I hope to get my first certification by mid-2026.”

    “My jealousy rose when my best friend moved abroad and made new friends.” — Mike*, 28, M

    Mike* was happy when his best friend moved abroad for school but started getting feelings of jealousy when he felt like he was being replaced.

    “I don’t think jealousy makes you a bad person if you handle it correctly. My closest friend moved out of Nigeria in 2015 and watching him settle into his new American life made me really happy. A few months after, he started making friends and I felt like I was being pushed out of his new life. Our texts dwindled and we didn’t speak for months but one day, he called me and asked why I had been distant.

    I shared my fears about being replaced and ho he made me feel. I thought he would get upset but he reassured me immediately. It was like a weight was taken off my back. If you feel jealous of your friend, I think you shout give talking it out a shot. It resolves more than you think.”

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    “I got jealous when she got a job before I did” — Kemi*, 29, F

    Kemi* and her friend started job hunting together to keep each other motivated. Kemi’s feelings started to change when she noticed she was the only one sharing job applications.

    “A friend and I had been job hunting together since the start of the year. I would share any job openings I saw so that we would both apply, but I noticed she hardly sent any to me. Then last month, she called me in the middle of the night, asking me to help her with an assessment test for a job she never told me she applied for. I helped her out, and she got hired almost imediately. I felt really jealous that, despite her not being as open-handed as I was with the job applications, she got a job before I did.

    I didn’t like the feeling, and I kept my distance until I felt more in control of my emotions. I didn’t raise the issue with her either, before it seemed like I wasn’t happy for her.”

    READ NEXT: I Lied About Being Kidnapped To Leave A Toxic Marriage

  • Jealousy is a universal emotion — everyone has felt its sting at some point. But when it comes to romance, the feeling tends to cut even deeper.

    If you’re monogamous, it’s easy to assume that polyamorous people have somehow mastered the art of jealousy-free love. After all, they’re out here juggling multiple relationships while you’re still waiting for your Instagram crush from 2018 to finally notice you.

    But the truth is, jealousy doesn’t vanish just because you’re dating more than one person. If anything, it’s like that uninvited guest who crashes the party, hogs all the small chops, and then complains about the playlist.

    Curious about how people in polyamorous relationships handle jealousy, I reached out to a few of them. The responses were eye-opening, not just about managing jealousy in polyamory but also about practical tips anyone can use to keep the green-eyed monster in check.

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    “I explain to them that there is a hierarchy in my life.” – Ben, M, 32

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I’ve had a lot of experience with this, especially with partners who were previously only in monogamous relationships. My approach is to have an open discussion about my hierarchy of needs and expectations.

    I explain to them that my platonic friends come first, even before romantic relationships. Then I explain my perspective on romantic relationships, which is that I enter romantic relationships for companionship, not dependency, whether emotional or physical. Most of my emotional needs are met by existing platonic relationships; my romantic relationships are about exploring romantic attraction.

    I also make it clear that companionship, for me, means experiencing romantic love with someone without expecting them to meet all my needs.

    Regardless of whether a relationship is monogamous or polyamorous, each person has a responsibility to clearly communicate their needs and trust that their partner will respect them. It’s my responsibility to ensure my partner’s needs are met within our relationship and to prevent past unhappiness, trauma, or unspoken expectations from bleeding into it. After all, needs that aren’t communicated can’t be met.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
    Jealousy toward another partner can often be reframed by asking a simple question: Is this a want or a need? Do you want this only because someone else is getting it, or is it something essential for your happiness in the relationship? Being honest about the answer almost always takes the edge off jealousy and helps shift the focus to what truly matters.

    “Polyamory takes a lot more emotional bandwidth than mono relationships.” — Sam, M, 31

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy? 

    I do feel jealous sometimes, but I wouldn’t call myself a jealous person. When jealousy comes up — whether for me or my partners — we acknowledge it, talk through our needs and expectations, and offer plenty of reassurance.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice? 

    Jealousy is natural in any relationship, especially in polyamory, and it’s something every partner or polycule should expect. What’s not okay is acting on that jealousy by projecting fears or insecurities onto a partner.

    When jealousy comes up, communication is key. Making your partners feel loved, desired, and appreciated helps keep things grounded. If possible, pinpoint exactly what triggered your jealousy and find a healthy way to address it. Polyamory requires more emotional bandwidth than monogamy, so navigating difficult emotions is part of the work that comes with it.

    “I think everyone should know that jealousy is normal and to be expected.” — Nabila, F, 23

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I don’t think of myself as a jealous person. Most things that should make me jealous don’t really affect me, and when I do feel jealous, I take time to process it on my own before bringing it up with my partners.

    How I talk about jealousy depends on how serious it is. Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying, “God, I’m so jealous; I wish that was me.” But if it’s something deeper, I sit with it, figure out why I’m feeling that way, and think about what might help. When I do bring it up, my partners usually try to help if they can.

    That said, I only share serious jealousy if there’s something they can actually do about it. If I feel jealous that they live with another partner, for example, what can they really do? In cases like that, I might just mention it in passing so they’re aware, but I don’t dwell on it.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?

    Everyone should understand that jealousy is completely normal, even in polyamorous relationships. There’s a common misconception that polyam people don’t experience jealousy, but that’s simply not true.

    What really helps is identifying the source of your jealousy. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with what your partners are doing, and realizing that can change how you approach the situation entirely.

    “Am I really jealous or just upset at a broken promise?” Princess, F, 25


    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I’m not a jealous person. I don’t think I ever really have been. Jealousy only comes up for me when a partner does something for someone else that they never did for me or when something I considered ours is shared with someone new. 

    For example, if you once told me you’d never go dancing but then take someone dancing on a first date, that would sting. Or if Tuesdays were always our movie nights and suddenly you’re spending Tuesdays with someone else, I’d feel a certain way.

    That said, I see jealousy as just another emotion like happiness, joy, or love, and I approach it that way in my relationships. I ask myself: Why am I jealous? Did my partner contribute to this feeling? Am I really jealous, or just upset about a broken promise? How can my partner reassure me? What can we do to prevent this from happening again?

    From there, we talk it through, process the emotions, and try to apply what we’ve learned to strengthen our relationship.

    READ ALSO: I Relocated and Asked My Mum to Care for My Kids. It Was a Mistake

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?

    Communication is the most important thing. There’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous — it’s how you handle it that matters. If you don’t talk to your partner about it, they won’t know they’re making you feel that way, and the jealousy can fester into something worse. It can turn into resentment, anger, or even aggression, all of which are unnecessary and avoidable.

    When jealousy comes up, take a step back and interrogate the feeling. Ask yourself why you feel this way, how it started, and when it began. Understanding the root of the emotion makes it easier to express to your partner in a way that leads to a solution.

    Jealousy isn’t exclusive to polyamory. Monogamous people often experience it just as much, if not more. I just wish more people communicated their feelings instead of bottling them up and taking them out on others.

    What To Do When You Feel Jealous

    Accept that jealousy is normal: First of all, remember that jealousy isn’t a flaw or a failure. It’s a natural emotion that will come up at some point in your relationship. The key isn’t avoiding it but learning how to manage it in a way that strengthens your connection.

    Interrogate the feeling: Jealousy doesn’t come out of nowhere. Ask yourself how, why, who, and what is making you feel this way. Being honest with yourself is key so you don’t unconsciously take your emotions out on others.

    A closed mouth is a closed destiny: Talk to your partner(s) about your feelings. An open, honest conversation can clear up misunderstandings and help you work through jealousy in a healthy way.

    If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy reading this: Love Life: We Went From an Open Relationship to Polyamory

  • Use “Bridgerton” language

    Don’t be overt about it. Say something sweet that still carries the weight of your side-eye. For example: “My heart burns when I see another staring into the endless orbs that are your eyes.”

    Give them the most cheeky compliment

    You know those compliments that aren’t really compliments? Like telling them they look good with someone when you mostly just want to ask why they’re talking to that person? Yes, do that.

    Give them the eyes

    Look into their eyes as they hug that person. Let them know they just committed a crime.

    Don’t use Twitter

    The urge to misyarn will multiply once you open Twitter. Just don’t do it. Because even if you think pouring out your heart is harmless, everybody else will laugh at you.

    If you must, be direct about it

    But if you must talk on the internet, it’s better to say what’s really bothering you. Instead of throwing jabs that’ll end up embarrassing you and your partner, say something that shows you’re clearly jealous, but in a good way. People will probably find it cute.

    Or use a burner account

    At least, this way, you can get it off your chest without tripping anyone off.

    Act surprised

    Show genuine surprise about what they did that made you jealous. Something along the lines of, “Oh, you still talk to that person?”

    Start your next conversation with “It’s funny how some people…” 

    Then insert the exact thing that made you jealous. But don’t mention names o. Let them catch their sub.

    QUIZ: How Jealous Does Love Make You?

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    *Amina and *Fatima had been friends for thirteen years. But one fight was enough to reveal the many times Fatima had tried to sabotage Amina, and now, the friendship is no more. 

    Fatima and I had known each other since we were in secondary school. She was a couple of years my junior, so we never had a reason to strike up a conversation. Almost a decade later, I started dating her cousin, and we started talking. I eventually married her cousin, so we moved from being friends to family. 

    Fatima always came across as someone who was lost. She’s the only child of parents who never married, so the family never really took her in as one of their own. They treated her like an outcast. I thought she was a lovely person who was judged based on other people’s prejudice. I took our relationship as family very seriously. 

    Since I was older, our friendship started off as me guiding her through life. I was answering her questions and helping with decisions she had to make. I shared intimate parts of my life with her. Even when her cousin and I separated, she was still in my life as a friend. She’d call multiple times a day, and we’d make out time to hang out.

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    What changed? 

    Our first fight. One day in April (2022), she texted me to ask for my ex-boyfriend’s number. The ex was a guy I had dated after her cousin. I told her that I wondered why she was asking when she spoke to him regularly, and that’s when she started cursing me out. She said there was nothing special about my relationship with him, and if she wanted to sleep with him or take him away from me, she could. 

    I was completely shocked because my accusation that she was still talking to my ex was unfounded. I had no proof but just threw it out there because I noticed my ex had a lot more information about my life than I gave him. He knew about the new jobs I was working on, the people I was working with and other things I didn’t share with him. 

    There are three people I knew could have been responsible; a mutual friend of the ex and I who frankly doesn’t have our time, another friend of mine who doesn’t even respond to his messages, and Fatima. I thought if I brought it up, she’d deny it, but instead, it made her snap. That’s when a lot of things started to make sense; why she was always asking me extremely personal questions, and why my spirit was no longer in tune with hers. She was obsessed with my ex and our relationship.

    Did she ever show signs of this obsession? 

    I remember when she went out with my ex and I. Immediately she got home, she called her own boyfriend and broke up with him. She told me she saw the way my ex treated me, and it occurred to her that she could do better than what she currently had. It was weird because she didn’t acknowledge how much work I put into the relationship to get that kind of treatment. If you want more then you invest more time, energy, money and emotion. She based a life-changing situation on a one-day interaction. Who does that? I tried to not look too deeply into that situation because nobody wants to settle for less. I loved her too much to deep it like that. 

    So, she’d never done anything to hurt you before? 

    In 2018, we went to a club and met a guy and his friend. The friend happened to be a celebrity, but I was more interested in doing business with the guy. We all exchanged numbers, and she told me the guy was asking her out but she’d rather date the celebrity.

    The guy and I got really serious about work. He kept mentioning I shouldn’t bring up details of the contract with anybody. Secrecy is a big deal in the industry I work, so I didn’t think too much about it. Unfortunately, he just sent me a message telling me he had to terminate the contract. Money is not my biggest problem, so I took the loss and kept pushing. 

    February of 2022, we met at a work conference. After exchanging pleasantries, I brought up the fact that he terminated our contract. That’s when he told me he only did it because my “sister”, Fatima, had told him that if he was serious about her, he’d have to stop working so closely with me. 

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    That’s a lot. Did you confront her about it when he told you? 

    I didn’t. I just thought he was saying it to get into my good graces after terminating the contract. I wouldn’t just believe what a stranger has to say about her. Especially since I didn’t even know they were dating. 

    It was during the fight that she brought it up. She told me a friend of ours said I was sleeping with him. But when she confronted him, he showed chats as evidence that it was only work we discussed. Then, she told him to block off the contract if it truly was only work. 

    It’s funny how there were so many things she did to me, and I just kept disbelieving them because I didn’t believe my friend of 13 years would try things like that. 

    What else did she do? 

    She also insisted that I sent a spy to her house to keep tabs on her. The spy in question was my former assistant who I told Fatima I wanted to rehire in March. By January, Fatima had hired her. She told me that since I didn’t need the assistant during that period, she wanted to hire the babe. I agreed. Then, she asked the girl to move in with her to lessen her commute. I didn’t orchestrate the hiring or the meeting, so how was she my spy? 

    When Fatima fired the assistant based on the spy allegations, she told the babe it was because I convinced her to fire her. That I said she was a prostitute. The whole concept is bizarre to me because why will I randomly call my former assistant a prostitute? I never had that conversation with Fatima. Now, the babe thinks I was gossiping about her. 

    Our former friend also stopped talking to me for the same reason. There are a bunch of people who feel comfortable slandering me because of Fatima’s actions. 

    Why do you think she did all of this? 

    Obsession? Jealousy? Both? She’s actively trying to ruin my life, and I don’t understand why. I’ve never done anything to her or anyone she holds dear, so I don’t know why she’s doing all of these things. 

    Do you think you’d ever forgive her? 

    I’ve already forgiven her. I try not to hold negative things in my heart against anyone, but one thing I’ve learnt is to not allow just anyone in my personal space. I let this person have enough access to me and she felt comfortable disrespecting me like this. You can call someone your friend, but they end up being a wicked person who’s simply planning your downfall.

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  • Jealousy is a feeling of bitterness or resentment as a result of someone having something you desire. Like other human feelings, jealousy is also a part of interpersonal relationships. In this article, we asked eight Nigerian women to share what it felt like to be jealous of their friends and what they did about it. 

    Sheila, 20

    I have known my best friend since I was 17  and sometime last year, I felt jealous of her. It was as if she was happy and blooming in her life while mine was going badly. I had just suffered a terrible breakup, and at the same time, she got into a relationship with someone that loves her wholeheartedly. It hurt even more because of their public display of affection. I also lost my job around that time, and my best friend got a job that paid five times more than my old job paid. I was just in a corner of my mind wishing everything was happening to me too. 

    When I couldn’t keep it in anymore, I told her. I didn’t want to cross the line and start resenting her. At some point, it almost affected our relationship because I withdrew into myself. I wouldn’t call her, and I’d give flimsy excuses when she tried to reach me.  But I couldn’t stay away for long because she’s my best friend and not just any other person. I told her how I felt and comforted me. I was surprised at how well she handled it and felt so relieved because I don’t think I’d have reacted the same way. After I apologised, our friendship became better because we opened up more to each other. We are still best friends till today.

    Demola, 21 

    I didn’t have a lot of female friendships growing up, so I didn’t know how to navigate them. It was when I got in university, I started having small groups of female friends. I have always been drawn to outgoing and attractive people and when I realised people would befriend me to access them, it hurt. I couldn’t help but envy them. I had a particular friend who was also my roommate. Visitors would bring gifts and MONEY to our room. I need to emphasise on the money. I was a broke student who got ₦10k a month as allowance and here was someone getting ₦15k because someone liked her skin. HER SKIN.

    I think it affected my perception of her. I started turning her into a villain in my head to rationalise the way I felt. I called her shallow and materialistic. I called her some ableist slurs too. Some of these things I said to her face, some I didn’t. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with her. I didn’t think it was right to still be friends with someone when I felt that way about them. I tried to reach out to her recently, but it hasn’t been the same. We still talk and send stickers to each other, but it’s not the way it used to be between us. 

    Audra, 26

    I was jealous of my best friend after we finished NYSC. We were both job hunting, and it took longer than we expected. One day, I sent her the link to a job that we both applied to and she ended up getting it. That made me jealous. What did they see in her that they didn’t see in me? I never said anything to her about it. I just dealt with the feelings on my own until I found something.

    Anita, 21

    I am part of a group of five friends. We are all in our final year of university, same department and everything. Some of us are closer to others than some are but we still move about together. This final year opened our eyes to the jealousy some of us were feeling towards others. One person was jealous of another because a lot of guys were always on her matter. Another one was jealous because the other person is thick and she is slim.

    I am more of the bookish type. I realised that when I do better than them, they’re not so happy but when they do well, they’re happy. Not solely because they did well, but because they did better than me, who is supposedly the nerd. Sometimes I get upset when I introduce a male friend to the group and he starts getting closer to another one of them. I have learnt that jealousy is normal in friendships, but it’s what one does with it that matters. Do I go behind the other person and do evil or I wish the other person well and learn to live with the fact that someone will have something I want and that’s fine.

    Ewatomi, 24

    In my diploma days, I had a friend I did everything with. But when we switched to a degree programme, she met new friends and I was left behind. I felt alone and jealous of her closeness with others. I won’t lie; sometimes I cried about it. It took me months to move on. I didn’t do anything because I had to be okay with the fact that she was happy even if it wasn’t with me. Although, our relationship was never the same. I couldn’t treat her the same way I did when it was just two of us. 

    Amaju, 31

    When I was still in university, I had a friend I was very close to. She knew my family and I knew hers. We were in the same department, same hostel, same everything. At that time, I didn’t see how I felt about her as jealousy. I thought it was more of a competition because of our strong personalities. We had similar tastes in everything. The only difference to me was that she always had it before I did. I noticed that I would intentionally not tell her if I was buying a new phone or getting a new laptop or moving to a more expensive hostel because I just wanted to feel like I won.

    It affected our friendship a lot because there was no trust. I did not feel like she genuinely liked me and that made me feel bad about myself. We grew apart because there was a lot of backstabbing. I feel like I did myself a disservice cause I approached her and tried to make things work between us, but I guess the friendship had lasted its course. I think now that I may have misread her actions towards me as being jealous, hence reciprocated with bad behaviour. I take full responsibility cause my insecurity had the best of me. 

    Alex, 29

    In 2020, three of my closest friends were making progress in their lives; career, love life, etc. It was weird because on one hand, I was happy for them but I also started to get depressed because it felt like I just gagged the whole year away. The worst part was not being able to talk to them about it because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling without them thinking I didn’t want the best for them. I didn’t do anything rash, but I had to sit with the discontent for quite awhile. Even when they noticed and tried to help, I couldn’t be honest with them. I was afraid that it meant I didn’t love my friends. 

    Thankfully, another friend said something to me I’ll never forget: “We are constantly subconsciously comparing ourselves to the closest people in our lives”. That helped me feel like less of an evil person, which was the thing compounding my sadness. I learned that jealousy is a perfectly fine human emotion, and it’s how you deal with it that matters. I was finally able to share it with them and they were quite understanding. We are cool now.


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