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Questions
This is a question
How many words can you get from HOLIDAY?
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I know you think the IJGBs have been around for about a month and that if you were going to snag one, you would’ve already, so time has run out.
Well, perish that thought. Time may be running out, but it hasn’t run out yet. You still have the chance to snag your very own IJGB. But only if you follow the instructions I’m about to lay out. Pay attention, people.
1) Dress the part.
Ladies and gents. Detty December is a viciously competitive period. Everyone and their mama is looking for an IJGB to rock the town with, so you must stand out by dressing for the part. Do a wardrobe overhaul and replace every item of clothing you own with the sluttiest clothes you can find on this side of Allen Avenue. It’s like they say: dress for the job you want.
2) Track them down.
If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I don’t understand why whoever came up with this said it like there was the possibility of the mountain going to meet a human, but that’s a story for another day. My point is that these IJGBs won’t come to you, so you have to do your best Joe Goldberg impersonation — complete with witty inner monologue — and track them down. You can find them at raves, house parties, concerts, overpriced restaurants, and traffic.
3) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
To quote my homeboy, Kunle Ologunro: “You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.”
Sometimes, IJGBs will engage in certain activities that you may find…less than reputable. Like recreational drug use. Now that you’ve made your way into their circle, you can’t do anything to make them suspicious of you, like judging them with your eyes when they whip out crystal meth. Do what you will with this information.
4) Keep up.
IJGBs like to move around. Keep up. Enough said.
5) Do jazz.
As I mentioned earlier, the competition is fierce, and you need all the help you can get. Get into your old Nollywood bag and trap someone’s spirit in a groundnut bottle. You can release them when the holidays end, and you need to return to your everyday life.
Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour.
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9-5ers have had a blast these last few months, but the joy is fading because there are no more public holidays until October 1st. It’s about to be every day labour, every day slavery, for the next THREE months.
But that’s where we come in. Here’s how you can get that off day you may or may not deserve.
Add your HR officer on WhatsApp
It’s called setting the groundwork. Tweak your privacy settings to allow them to view your status, and start posting work-related content. Somewhere in there, add lamentations about your health struggles, real or imagined. HR is sure to grant you a day off the next day.
Love-bomb your grandparents on WhatsApp
Your HR and employers are still on your WhatsApp, but instead of work-related content, flood your status with content about your aged grandparents. When you ask for that off-day to check on Grandma Ikorodu, the groundwork you’ve done will be enough to get it approved.
Attempt a Guinness World Record
It’s the in-thing at the moment and you can use it to your advantage. The key is to let your employers know they’ll get free exposure while you’re trying to break a record. You can ask for a two-week leave to prepare. Whether it’s paid or not is your own cup of tea but you’ll get your holiday sha.
Get pregnant
No employer wants a pregnant woman and her unborn child’s blood on their hands. You won’t only get off days, you’ll also have your maternity leave allowance to enjoy. Note: This is strictly for women.
Borrow money from a loan shark
Make sure you fill your office address in the form. If the loan agents storm the office twice, your employers will just tell you stay at home permanently. The holiday you truly deserve.
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Find a getaway partner
You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.
Clear your schedule
If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.
Quit your job
If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.
Go on Instagram one last time
If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.
Then get off social media
Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.
Find a hotel to stay
You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.
Book a flight
You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort.
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Holidays should be spent with family and friends. But what happens when you’re in a different country, far from home? From spending the day at work to seeking companionship on dating sites, these Nigerians share their 2022 holiday season experience.
“I had to cook and eat alone” — Grey
I’m used to spending my holidays with family. Even when I stayed in Lagos for a year, I spent it with an uncle. So being in a space with no family members was a bit lonely. I had to cook myself and eat alone while talking to my family members over the phone. But I spent New Year’s Eve dancing at a bar — that was fun. I had to work on New Year’s Day sha.
“People in the UK have more Christmas spirit” — Riri
Besides the fact that I’m still trying to find my feet, so I had to work on Christmas Day, I was excited about my first Christmas in the UK. Unlike Nigeria, where there’s not a lot of decoration, there were Christmas decorations and songs everywhere! The people seemed more high-spirited. It was also great to experience snow for the first time. I’m positive this year will be better because I’d have more friends, maybe a man, so I’d join and do “me and mine”.
“Nobody gave me rice and chicken” — Ifeanyi
These people are stingy. None of my neighbours gave me rice, chicken, drink, even muffins I didn’t see. I don’t even know if people wear Christmas clothes because everyone’s wearing a jacket because of the cold in London.
Even though I’d taken a Christmas shift to reduce the loneliness, I still felt lonely. The roads were very dry. I had to video call my family. I didn’t want to feel that loneliness again, so I visited my friend for New Year’s.
“I spent the day between video calls with family and Netflix” — Nnanna
I planned to spend Christmas with my sister in Toronto, but due to a snowstorm, there was a sit-at-home mandate between December 23rd to 27th, 2022 in Ontario, where I stay. I was indoors with my flatmate and a girl I met off a dating app. Christmas was pretty boring; I spent the day alternating between video calls with family members and watching movies online. Unlike Nigeria where people spend the holidays going out, not only are all the stores in Ontario closed, everyone spends time indoors with family.
“I chose to work for the double pay” — Tayo
They may love Christmas here, but they’re not as loud about it as in Nigeria. While their focus is on gifting their loved ones and spending time together, Nigerians throw parties and share food. This is why it’s especially lonely around the holidays here. Because I’d already anticipated the loneliness, I picked up more work shifts during the period. They were going to pay double, and it seemed like a better way to spend the holidays than just scrolling through my phone and sleeping.
“I spent my Christmas at the airport” — Tolani
I took time off work to spend the holidays with my family in Turkey. But there were complications with the visa I had, so I spent my Christmas moving from one airport to another trying to find a flight. I had to give up and return to Canada on December 26th.
READ NEXT: My First Week in Cambridge: Chasing Harvard and a Sense of Home
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The year is coming to an end, but your company doesn’t look like they plan on ending the work year. Well, since they’ve decided to choose violence, we have some ideas on how to get them to close by force.
DISCLAIMER: If you end up unemployed, Zikoko didn’t send you message. Abeg.
Kidnap your CEO
Obviously everyone in the company will spend their time and resources looking for him. The company will have to close by force. If they still prove stubborn, demand that his release is conditional on the fact that they close down for Christmas.
Buy padlock and lock everyone out
Arrive earlier than everyone else in the company and change the padlock. Go back home then resume at the normal time. Now, pretend to be shocked that they’re locked out.
Change the social media password
Change the password of all the social media accounts and start posting rubbish. They’ll think they’ve been hacked and will be forced to close. You can even use the social media account to air their smelling behaviour for all to see.
RELATED: You’d Relate to the Memes if Your Office Doesn’t Close for the Year
Blackmail HR
Find something scandalous about HR, and threaten to leak the secret if they don’t force y’all to close for the holidays. Better set up your camera and start stalking HR 24/7.
Sue for emotional damages
Choosing to make you work at the end of the year is damaging to your mental and physical health. If they don’t close, you’d have to take them to court. Even if they win the case, do they really want to waste money on legal fees? They’ll close for their pockets, and you’ll get to relax for the holidays.
Disconnect the power grid
If you work from an office, what you need to do is disconnect their power supply. No power = no work. The math is simple.
Sell the company
When there’s no company remaining, nothing stops the management from not only closing for the holidays but forever and ever. You might become poor, but at least, you’ll be home for the holidays.
RELATED: DO NOT Make These Mistakes at Your Office End-of-Year Party
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The holiday gates are open and the IJGBs are landing with wanna-gonna and innit money. If you plan to secure one of them this December, stick to these commandments so you don’t get carried away.
First of all, don’t do it
If you’re thinking of getting involved with an IJGB, don’t do it. No matter how sweet they seem. It won’t end well, and you’ll shed tears in January. But if we’re already late, and you’re involved with one already, continue reading.
Break up and run
Now’s the time to pick up your bag and leave, to avoid stories that touch the heart. But if you love living dangerously, and you have coconut head, then make sure to do these things.
Fall in love with sharing
Market is tight, and the demand for IJGBs is high. There’s a chance your December boo has another boo. Don’t let that one vex you. Just develop team spirit and fall in love with sharing.
Enter with your eyes and hands open
Shine your eyes very well, so they can’t port to another IJGB with a better offer. You can’t be mixing business with pleasure. But if you’re going to stay too, keep your hands open so you can collect all their money.
Don’t catch feelings
Remember, you’re here for a good time and not a long time. Catch not these feelings that IJGBs will throw at you. Now, go forth and prosper.
Have more than one IJGB at hand
Your IJGB definitely has side pieces. Better do what’s in your best interests and gather like five so you can stay focused on the bag and not catch feelings.
Have a backup plan for when they all leave
Just in case you don’t listen, and you catch feelings for one of them, you need a shoulder to cry on when the breakfast comes. Because it definitely will.
Don’t text them after they’re gone
Let the end be the end. Just move on, and don’t text them again — until next December, at least.
NEXT READ: 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December
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You definitely deserve the coming holiday if you can get 7/8 on this quiz.
