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  • Due to the rising number of reported Coronavirus cases in Nigeria, more and more people are smartly beginning to practise social distancing and self-isolation to help reduce the spread.

    What does that mean for the sexually active adults amongst us? Well, according to a memo released by the NYC Health Department, the safest options are masturbation and live-in partners.

    https://twitter.com/chrissyford/status/1241341554742214656

    So, with that in mind, we decided to ask seven Nigerians about how the virus has affected their sex lives so far. From relying on self-pleasure to just taking the risk, here are the answers we got:

    Tobi, 25/Male/Straight 

    About a month ago, I hooked up with an old acquaintance and the sex was truly mind-blowing. So, we’ve been consistently hooking up at least once a week since then.

    The virus hasn’t really slowed us down, but we both try to stay home prior to the knacks — at least, I hope she does. I feel comfortable risking it because she is self-employed, so I don’t have to worry about her going into an office and bringing back the virus.

    James, 30/Male/Gay

    I’ve been single for the past year, so whenever I need to scratch that itch, I just chat up a random guy on one of the dating apps on my phone. If we vibe, then we make plans to hook up. 

    With the virus in town, that’s no longer an option. I don’t know how cautious these guys are, and I’m not horny enough to risk it. So, I’ve turned to my first love, masturbation. My only worry is that if this pandemic lasts any longer, my dick might actually fall off. 

    Ada, 35/Female/Straight

    Self-isolation hasn’t changed my sex life because I wasn’t really getting any to begin with. Right now, I’m more worried about the virus, my kids, supplies at home and getting work done. 

    I’m very anxious, and while I know that sex would be a good way to relax, I’m not interested in adding that to my list of tasks. I’m also not trying to get pregnant again. 

    Honestly, the main way this is affecting my sex life is that I can’t go out, have fun, feel hot and flirt with all the boys I want to. That’s where I usually get my kicks.

    Damilola, 27/Female/Bisexual

    I was actually having a bit of a dry spell for most of the year.  I was originally trying to get my shit together and stop hooking up with this dude that was very clearly bad for me. 

    Well, since social distancing started, I’ve been very bored. So, yeah, I hit him up and I’ve managed to have more sex in the past two weeks than I have all year. I do make him shower intensely before we do anything though.

    Rotimi, 26/Male/Straight

    For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been sleeping with one babe once a week, and the virus hasn’t changed anything. To be honest, I know we are both being very careless right now. 

    She’s actually more at risk because she’s been self-isolating and I’m still going into work. I recently asked her if she was worried about it, but she just laughed it off. Who am I to complain if she’s fine with it?

    Chinny, 33/Female/Straight

    Before the virus hit, my husband was at work more often than not, so sex only happened when we could find the time (without being interrupted by our baby). 

    Now, due to remote work, he’s at home while our nanny is still available. So, she can take care of the baby while we go and be as useless as we want. I’m even not sure what it is, but I’ve been so much hornier this period.

    David, 28/Male/Straight

    I’ve been intentionally celibate for most of the year, but I just recently decided to call that off — yes, right in the middle of a pandemic — and have sex again. 

    I know it’s a gamble, but it’s one I’m willing to make. We are both very careful about social distancing and all that, so I believe (and hope) that the chances of us infecting each other are low.

    If you would like to read more Sex Life stories, you can click right here.

  • Everything You Need To Know About The Hantavirus

    Since the news broke of it killing a Chinese man on the 24th of March 2020, the Hantavirus has been on everyone’s minds. Some people even went ahead to accuse China of bioengineering viruses in their labs. (Coronavirus and Hantavirus).

    Hantavirus epidemic panic tweet
    Blaming China tweet

    The coronavirus has currently infected almost 400,000 people worldwide and killed 17,000. So it makes sense that people would panic about a new virus showing up to make things worse. However, everyone needs to calm down because it turns out that the hantavirus isn’t even new.

    Here’s everything you need to know about the hantavirus.

    According to the CDC, the hantaviruses are a family of viruses that can cause a variety of diseases in humans. They are not airborne but are carried by rodents. They can only be spread to humans if they come in contact with urine, faeces, saliva or the occasional bite of an infected host.

    Everything You Need To Know About The Hantavirus Image result for rat

    While both viruses share certain symptoms (fatigue, fever, muscle aches, headaches), the hantavirus’ chances of being passed from one human to another are very low. However, the hantavirus’ mortality is as high as 36%, much higher than coronavirus’ 3.4%.

    So you can rest easy because there’s no chance of the hantavirus becoming a pandemic and causing a global economic shutdown. According to the CDC, controlling the rodent population in your surroundings is the key to avoiding hantavirus infections.

    While we have your attention, click here to read an article about the week in a life an NCDC call centre agent.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

    Everything You Need To Know About The Hantavirus

  • If you don’t think the coronavirus pandemic is a threat yet, now is really the time to think again. New cases are being confirmed in Nigeria every day. And if you still think social distancing is overrated, check this out.

    Yesterday, Access Bank released a statement, confirming that a customer who had visited a branch of the bank in Ligali Ayorinde Street, Victoria Island has tested positive for Covid-19.

    According to the statement, the unnamed individual visited the branch on Monday, 16, March, and at the time, he wasn’t showing any symptoms. The individual is now currently at an isolation centre in Yaba.

    Also, the statement notes that the branch has been closed for the moment for “thorough disinfection.” The bank called everyone who was at the branch to self-isolate for the recommended 14-day period but didn’t say if contact tracing has started to locate anyone who isn’t a staff but was at the branch on that day.

    Here is the thing now, and it’s simple — it’s important that you self-isolate if you were at the bank, and should you develop any symptoms, please call the NCDC toll free number: 0800 9700 0010.

    Social distancing is not overrated. Everyone should try to stay in their house as much as they can. We recommend that you do the following.

    Wash your hands and stay safe, y’all!

    Do you know everything you need to know about this disease? Take this quiz to confirm.

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  • Coronavirus

    A lot has changed in the world in recent times and that’s putting it mildly. From the way we worship to social interactions and even how we work.

    However, in Nigeria, we seem to be in a peculiar position. On one hand, we can’t afford to fully self-isolate and on the other hand, some parts of the country believe this is Government propaganda to steal money.

    To better understand the reality on the ground, we decided to take a look at businesses across different walks of life to understand how Covid-19 is affecting Nigerians. We asked 5 different people ranging from employees to employers how their life has changed.

    Demola – 28.

    “I work in a community pharmacy and we can’t afford to close down because people on life-long medications (Anti-diabetics, Anti-hypertensives) depend on us. But, my boss is not paying hazard fee. So, I am my own protector. I sanitize anyone that comes into the Pharmacy, I put the money in a carton and sanitize it before dropping it in our safe. The only good part is that because of the increase in demand for immune-boosting medicine, we have met the target for the month. The other day, someone bought N150k worth of Cellgevity and Reload and she didn’t flinch. So, I can’t complain too much.”

    Jennifer – 24.

    “My office has issued a work from home policy for all of us. We are a non-profit and we already have funding for the next 2 years so we are covered. I am worried about two things. Firstly, people who can’t afford to work from home and risk exposure by going out every day. Secondly, our clients that we currently run some projects for and how long they have before they shut down and we have nothing to do for them. If this happens, it may be difficult to renew our funding once two years is over. It’s just a cluster fuck.“

    Lanre – 55.

    “I run a private practice and I have been doing this for the past 25 years give or take. I have seen a decline in this practice from very profitable to mildly profitable and just struggling. See, before now, I have been struggling to pay staff salary and I have a small staff of just 6 nurses. I am the only doctor on the ground. So, if I have been struggling without this pandemic, what will happen now that it’s here?

    Everyone is saying shut down! shut down! shut down and do what? Shut down and go to die? My kids are also struggling so where will I get money to survive? I am a doctor oh and things are hitting me this hard. A part of me actually hopes that this will pass over because I can’t even think of where to start from.”

    Akeem – 25.

    “The truth is that na me fuck up. I had been told not to depend on only one supplier and I didn’t listen. So, I import things from China to sell for some profit here. The truth is that I ran out of stock in December of last year and because of New Year break and all, I couldn’t get supplies. Then Corona came along and compounded to the whole thing. Let’s just say my own 2020 hasn’t started. I am still in 2019.”

    Chisom – 29.

    “Man. This thing needs to go so my clients can come back. I book and tutor people for the IELTS exam. Anytime I remind me them about the payment they tell me that “the world is ending so there’s no need for them to take the IELTS” again. Before during the rush, my weekends were occupied with tutoring people. Now, I have enough time to do Instagram self-isolation challenges.”

  • Covid-19 is one of the biggest things kicking 2020 in the butt. But we’ve decided that we’re going to kick it’s butt back. The first step is having all the right information about this enemy of ours. Take this quiz and find our how well you know the novel coronavirus disease, Covid-19. Pro-tip: Share this with your mum, dad, uncle and aunty.

  • Fighting Boredom During Self-Isolation

    With Miss Rona Virus on her world tour that no one asked for, we’re all doing all we can to protect ourselves and those around us. One of those ways is self-isolation. That being said, self-isolation can get super boring. To avoid having conversations with their furniture, people are finding new ways to entertain themselves and others using the internet.

    Here are 4 ways they’re doing that.

    1) Engaging in social media challenges.

    Push up videos weren’t always bad. They became bad things when others picked up on the trend, made it a challenge, and started tagging others to do the same.

    Listen, if you want to stress yourself out in front of the internet, you do you, boo. Just don’t drag me into it.

    https://twitter.com/thereidfeed/status/1242095899586764811?s=20

    2) Everyone going on Instagram Live.

    Image result for celebrity instagram live png

    Random people keep going live on Instagram like they’re iCarly. Do you understand how awkward it is when you click on someone’s live notification only to realize that you’re the only one in there? Girl, stop it. It’s just as weird for celebrities too because the ones who don’t have sense are now out here exposing themselves. *cough* Vanessa Hudgens *coughs*

    3) Making TikToks:

    https://www.instagram.com/p/B-F1mW-glFt/

    No matter what social media timeline I’m on, there are a ton of #SavageChallenge dance videos. If it’s revealed in the future that this pandemic was part of the rollout for the Megan thee Stallion single, I would not be surprised.

    4) Making fake coronavirus Whatsapp BCs.

    Because what else? What else could make someone sit down to write this?? WHAT???

    Fighting Boredom During Self-Isolation

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  • “A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    Today’s subject is Joke, a call centre agent at the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC). She tells us how her life has changed since Coronavirus was first announced and what she looks forward to the most after this is over.

    Coronavirus NCDC


    MONDAY:

    I stand up from bed by 5 am today. I say “stand up” because it’s not voluntary. I prepare my kids for school, cook their breakfast and pack their lunch boxes. My husband drops the children at school, while I prepare for work. All this happens before 8 am, which is my resumption time.

    There was a time I was sure of closing by 4 pm, but since the outbreak of Covid-19, I get off work by 8 pm and I still take work home. I now work round the clock. This means that even when I get home, I still receive messages from people on the night shift asking for help in sieving calls from work. I have to prioritize and ask for further clarification from each caller, before determining whether to escalate the issue to the people on the field or not. So, I get off work physically by 8 pm, but I just replace it with working from home.

    Today is a rollercoaster because we are working hard to keep up with the number of calls. My colleague who worked the Sunday shift hasn’t been able to go home because his conscience can’t stand leaving us with such a large workload. So, somehow, he stays to support us and ends up working a 48-hour shift. This would have been strange to us in the past, but we are living in strange times.

    When I get home, my husband has cooked for the children and I am thankful for that. I am one of the lucky ones who has a husband who is understanding. During this period, he has been extremely supportive and I don’t know how I would cope if he wasn’t. All I do is prepare stew for the week and he cooks and takes care of the children before I get back from work. 

    I am too tired to eat. I just want whatever sleep I can get. If I go to bed now, at least when someone at work calls me by 10 pm, I would have gotten 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

    TUESDAY:

    Every job has its ups and downs. It’s easy to envy other jobs from afar but if they tell you what their job entails, it wouldn’t look so glamorous. I studied Microbiology in university; I was looking for a job relevant to my field of study and that’s why I took this job. 

    This job gives you a thick skin. In a day, you can get up to 40 calls with people just calling to ask if the number is working. Today, I got a call where the person on the other end of the line was quiet. The person listened to me talk without saying anything.  Another person called and said: “So, the line is even working. Una well done.” 

    Coronavirus NCDC


    Over the years, you learn not to throw stones at the person, to just laugh it off.  As part of the customer service training, you learn that you can’t talk back to the person at the other end of the line, and they have a right to their opinion. No matter how annoying. So, I share the “joke” with my colleague and we laugh over it.

    WEDNESDAY:

    I have barely slept for 3 hours. I have been writing and coordinating reports about the outbreak and possible cases to send to the field agents. There was a time that I could go to sleep by 8:30 pm or 9:00 pm with no worries. Nowadays, I’m always worried that if I fall asleep, I will miss any call that comes in. And calls come in at odd times.

    Today, I wake up feeling lethargic. My husband encourages me to get out of bed and to start preparing for work. He has been supportive even though my laptop has literally taken his place for now. He knows that I must show up whether I feel up to it or not… 

    I try not to think about how long I have to do this. I am just going to take this situation one day at a time for my own sake. Although, I am worried that despite all our efforts and advice at the NCDC, Nigerians will not adhere to instructions and the infection will spread and all this stress will be for nothing. 

    Today, I received a call that made my day at work. Someone called saying: “God will bless you, I just want to appreciate the work you people are doing for Nigeria.” I thanked the person on behalf of NCDC but the person added: “I am not praying for NCDC, I am praying for you.” This made me happy. At least someone somewhere appreciates what I am doing and my sleepless nights are not in vain.

    THURSDAY:

    Another thing I have also learned in this job is to separate home personality from work personality. At home, I am a mother, a wife. At work, I am a worker. I give each part its due diligence and that’s why today is painful for me because I know how much I give for each role.

    I got a call and in between all the pleasantries and asking how I could be of assistance, the caller goes: “Please, don’t ask me what you can do for me. You and the government are wicked and stupid. I know there is no Coronavirus and you are joining the government to eat money when people are dying of hunger. Thunder fire your mouth.” 

    The worst part for me was how helpless I was. I could neither cut the call nor respond. I had to calmly sit through the insults until the caller was done. 

    After the call was over, I went out of the connect centre to the corridor and started to scream. “What sort of rubbish is this? Why would someone be so mean when I am just trying to do my best? Even as I am on the frontline, I am not sure whether I will get this illness or not, yet I still show up to play my part. Why would someone think this is a joke?” I let it all out before returning to the connect center calmer and lighter.

    I scream because I can’t take the anger home. Over the years, I have learned to separate both lives if I want to strike a balance. I have little children at home aged 11, 8 and 6 who don’t know better. I don’t want to go back home as a different person from the one that left in the morning. I don’t want to be the person that was all smiles and cracking jokes in the morning and is now blank and edgy after work. If I am always angry and irritable, my children will run away from me once I get home. 

    FRIDAY:

    These days I don’t even think of unwinding. In the past, I would relax by either going to watch a movie, going to visit a friend, or playing with my kids. Even if there was no social distancing, where is the time?

    There’s no time to unwind because when I get even small breathing space from work, I am thinking of my family. How to make sure they aren’t affected too much by my current busy schedule. What should I buy in the house? The children, how will they survive this week? I am trying to make things as “normal” as I possibly can.

    I don’t even have the time to be afraid because fear can even kill more than the disease. Over time, I have learned that whatever will happen will happen regardless of whether you are afraid or not. All you can do is get as much information as you can on prevention, adhere to it, and trust God. 

    Also, because of the kind of person that I am, I don’t like things that I do to fail. This means panic comes last to my mind and I just do whatever needs to be done because my job is duty calling. I just know that I won’t always do this forever and there will come a time when I will rest and unwind. 

    But right now, I just want to go home and take a cold shower.

    SATURDAY:

    There’s training at work today. We are bringing on more people to help with the call centre effort and managing the numerous calls we receive every day. Before this outbreak, we could conveniently handle the workload, but now, we need more hands so we don’t burn out.

    Coronavirus NCDC


    There is a chain of reporting which we follow. The other call centre agents compile their reports to me along with suspected cases who have called in and have been thoroughly vetted based on travel history and symptoms. I then compile and escalate this report to the state epidemiologist. Every state has an epidemiologist who then notifies the Disease Surveillance and Notification Officer at the local government level. This is the person who goes to the house address to verify the claims and then reports to the state epidemiologist who then reports back to the NCDC. 

    I am still on duty today even after the training and will probably take work home. Thank goodness I don’t have to come in tomorrow.

    SUNDAY:

    Well, there is no church service today so I can cook for the week. Sundays used to be my day of rest. I could afford to sleep in the afternoon after church. But now, I use it to prepare meals for the week so that my family will not be stranded. 

    What I most look forward to when this is all over is going on leave for like 2 weeks. Just travelling to a place where all I have to do is sleep, wake, eat and not talk too much. All this talking every day at work is making my throat pain me already; I need to rest. 

    I’m going to the market to buy ingredients for my meal preparation. I am back to work again tomorrow until when all this blows over. Then I can finally get to rest my throat and my eyes. 

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.

    While we have your attention, click here to find out everything you need to know about the Hantavirus that just killed a man in China.

    Read A Week In The Life of A Coffinmaker here, and A Week In The Life Of A Keke Napep Rider here. Don’t forget to share with a friend!

    Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

  • Obesere Just Released A Song About Coronavirus

    Thanks to a clip from one of his music videos going viral, Obesere’s career has enjoyed a resurgence these past few weeks. Even though he was before my time, I went through some of his stuff and decided that this was great because he seemingly made fun music, his music videos were insane, and his outfits were ahead of their time.

    The viral clip, taken from the music video to the song “Egungun Be Careful“, quickly became a popular meme in the Nigerian corner of social media. All this attention led Obesere to believe that it was time for a comeback. He went ahead to make a remix to “Egungun Be Careful” with Zanku crooner, Zlatan. Everyone hated it.

    That didn’t stop him, though.

    In a move that absolutely no one saw coming or wanted, Omo Rapala (as he’s sometimes called) hit everyone in the throat with the music video to a new song titled “Coronavirus”.

    Watch the full video below:

    You can tell that he took the things people liked about his viral clip and a current trending topic (Coronavirus), threw both things into a pot, and hoped that the resulting concoction would extend his online relevancy.

    Obesere Just Released A Song About Coronavirus

    Let’s talk about the video’s editing and how it looks like it was designed to give anyone who watches it a seizure. Then there’s the fact that even though there are clear audio-video sync problems, the dancing is somehow still on beat. That’s dark magic, right there.

    That being said, I blame ALL OF YOU for this. You all refused to shut up about the suicidal masquerade song, now look what’s happened. YOU encouraged this man’s bad behaviour. YOU will listen to this song. And you know what else?

    YOU WILL like it!

    Obesere Just Released A Song About Coronavirus

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  • With the increase of Coronavirus cases in Nigeria last week, so came an increase in the number of articles with Coronavirus headlines churned out by many publications. Because I like worrying, I went through all of them and a thing I noticed was how batshit a lot of them are.

    Here are 5 of the funniest ones I saw.

    1) This one about the Nigerian police.

    In an unintentionally hilarious statement, the Inspector General of Police, Mohammed Adamu, told Nigerians to stay the fuck away from police stations everywhere because of Miss Rona’s wrath, saying to only come when it’s absolutely necessary. This makes no sense because, given the way Nigerian police treats civilians, NO ONE goes to their stations except it’s absolutely necessary. And even then, they hardly ever do anything helpful.

    2) This one about the governor of Abia State.

    In a video that will forever exist on the internet as proof of Nigeria having idiots as leaders, the governor of Abia State, Okezie Victor Ikpeazu, proclaimed that the one reason his state won’t feel Miss Rona’s wrath is that Abia State is the only state mentioned in the bible.

    3) This one about the governor of Ekiti State and the civil servants.

    This headline garnered a collective “LOL” from Nigerians everywhere because everyone knows civil servants don’t do shit on a normal day, talk less of these uncertain times we’re in.

    4) This one about confessions in the Catholic church.

    Do you mean to tell me that I’ve been giving random priests premium gist about my life when I could’ve been doing this?! WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?!

    5) This one about the NIMC.

    After seeing this, all of Nigerian Twitter came together to ask the important question: “HAVE THEY EVER BEEN OPEN??”. If you’re a Nigerian who has ever tried getting their National Identity Card, you’ll understand why that question was asked.

    6) This one about the Nigerian Railway Service.

    LOL

    Did we miss any other funny Coronavirus headlines? Let us know in the comments.

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