When Fathia* (29) got engaged to her long-term partner, Seyi*(31), she imagined their future would be built on teamwork. But after a job loss created a major financial imbalance, the tension in their relationship has started to grow. Now, she’s caught between the fear that her support might be breeding resentment, and the scarier thought that silence might cost them everything.
This is Fathia’s Story, As Told To Mofiyinfoluwa
My fiancé, Seyi, and I have been together for almost four years. We got engaged last year, and while we’ve always had our ups and downs, I truly believe we are perfect together. From the beginning, we had a healthy dynamic. He had a solid job at a bank, and I work in tech. Even though I earned a little more, it was barely an issue. We split bills evenly, he took the initiative on dates, and we agreed to split rent when we moved in together. He was generally thoughtful and dependable.
But last November, he lost his job during a round of mass layoffs. At first, nothing major changed. He kept applying for roles, networking, and doing everything he could to bounce back. I didn’t hesitate to step in. I had enough to cover rent and other expenses, and it felt natural to take that on while he figured things out. If you love someone, you show up. That’s how I saw it.
Thankfully, he landed another role at a startup in February. When I asked about the pay, he said it matched his old salary. I was relieved and thought we could return to our normal routine. But instead of things improving, he grew quiet and withdrawn. At first, I blamed it on the stress of adjusting to a new work environment, but then we had our first major argument that exposed everything.
We’d planned to get married next March and agreed to save 40% of our monthly earnings in a joint account to fund the wedding. Of course, we paused that plan when he lost his job. But now that he had another, I brought it up and even set up the account myself. That’s when he started dodging wedding conversations. One day, out of nowhere, he suggested we move the wedding to 2027.
I was stunned. We’ve been engaged for a year already. My family barely tolerates us living together before marriage, and I don’t think I can mentally survive another two-year wait. I pushed back hard, but he refused to give me a clear reason for the delay.
Out of frustration, I confided in a mutual friend. That’s when he casually dropped a bomb — Seyi borrowed money from him to cover his share of our rent for the year, which we recently paid. I was shocked and couldn’t believe what I’d heard. I had offered to pay the full rent if things were tight, but Seyi insisted we split as usual. If his new salary matched the old one as he claimed, why borrow money? Something wasn’t adding up.
Worried and, honestly, suspicious, I went through his phone. I expected to find some major spending or money going elsewhere. Instead, I discovered the truth; his new salary was less than half of his previous salary. I now earn over three times more, and he never said a word. That discovery hit me like a truck.
What confuses me is why he kept this hidden. I’ve never thrown money in his face. I’ve always tried to make him feel secure. I asked for his input on all our decisions, even when he lost his job, and tried to be extra thoughtful and sensitive. But maybe that’s part of the problem.
When we discussed the joint account a while back, I remember how tense he became. He got defensive and said I was doing “too much” and “trying to control everything.” That comment stuck with me since then, and now, I’m scared to bring up the salary lie. I don’t want to embarrass or make him feel emasculated, but I wish we could be honest with each other.
I don’t even mind taking on most of the wedding costs. I’ve thought about it seriously. But now, I keep asking myself if I’m really doing too much. Where is the line?
I mentioned it to my sister recently. She didn’t say much, but her expression said it all. She’s the kind of person who believes the man should be the provider, no matter the situation. And while I don’t agree with that, I also can’t shake the fear that maybe I’m missing something.
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