Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Romade* (27) and Tinu*(27) became fast friends in secondary school. They shared everything together, but everything changed when they got to university. What started as small, subtle betrayals spiralled into a pattern of theft, gaslighting, and disrespect that Romade couldn’t ignore.
In this Sunken Ships story, she shares how years of friendship came crashing down when she realised her best friend had no respect for her boundaries or her belongings.
How did your friendship with Tinu start?
We sat beside each other in secondary school back in 2008, and our friendship developed over the year. I would visit her on weekends and during the holidays, and she would do the same. Our friendship continued even in university.
What was your friendship like?
We were great friends at first. We shared everything; our clothes, books, food, you name it. We never had any big issues until we got to 200L in 2017.
Tell me about that.
Tinu came to my house for a sleepover and left the next day. Afterwards, I started looking for my favourite blouse. I just assumed that I had left it in school, or it was with my other dirty clothes. I went back to school a few days later, and I saw a girl I didn’t know wearing the exact blouse but I thought it was just a coincidence. I went to visit Tinu at her hostel later that day, and the same girl came to return the blouse to her. She also thanked Tinu for letting her borrow it. I was shocked, but I waited for her to leave before talking to Tinu about it. I wasn’t comfortable sharing my clothes with people I wasn’t close to at all, and I told Tinu that.
How did Tinu take it?
She apologised profusely and promised to ask my permission before taking anything in the future. I took the blouse back home and thought that was the end of that, but I was wrong.
What happened after that?
I started noticing that each time Tinu visited me, she would take something she thought I wouldn’t notice. For example, a few months after the blouse incident, I was cleaning my makeup brushes when I noticed that I was missing more than half of them. I figured I had been careless with them and lost them, so I put it out of my mind. Only for me to visit Tinu at her house and see my makeup brushes in front of her mirror. I got upset and told her again that I didn’t like that she would take my things without asking first. She apologised and said she only took them because she didn’t think I would mind.
Another time, she came to my room in school and took my tin of milk. I thought I was going crazy until my roommate told me Tinu took it with her. When I called her to tell her off for it, she said, ”Is it because of milk you’re shouting?”
That was disrespectful.
Exactly. I was very angry with her after that, and I didn’t speak to her for a while. Then she told my mum, who tried to get us to make up, and I agreed because I considered the years of our friendship. I probably would have been able to put it behind me, but she did it again, and this time I was very annoyed.
What did she do?
In 2018, my cousin was getting married and I was one of her aso-ebi ladies for the traditional rites, so I had bought the ankara for my outfit a few months in advance. About a month before the ceremony, I wanted to take the fabric to a tailor, but I couldn’t find it. It wasn’t something I moved around with; it was only ever in my room at home. I was frustrated, and I was talking to Tinu about it on the phone when she flippantly said she had taken the fabric from my room because she liked it.
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Wow. How did you react to that?
I got really upset and blew up on the phone. Instead of apologising, she told me I was overreacting and that she had noticed I was becoming tight-fisted. I tried to explain to her that if she had asked me for the fabric, I would have told her it was for a wedding and she wasn’t allowed to take it. She didn’t see my side of things at all, said I was being rude to her and hung up the phone.
What did you do after that?
I sent her a text right after that she wasn’t allowed to visit me at home or at my hostel anymore. I told her that she wasn’t respectful of my boundaries or my belongings and if she didn’t change, I didn’t want her in my space.
What was her response?
Tinu got upset at my text and replied, saying she would return all my things with her since I wanted to be a selfish friend. A few days later, she brought them to my room in school in a bag, and I was shocked at how many of my things this girl had taken.
All the things I thought I had lost, like powders, make-up brushes, eyeshadow pallets, perfumes, clothes, and earrings, were there. This babe was holding on to maybe a third of all my make-up and accessories, which made me angry all over again. We got into another argument over it and stopped talking. Our friendship never recovered from that.
Did you guys try to make up after that?
At some point in 2019, when our mums noticed the distance between us, they tried to mediate the matter, but I was adamant. I didn’t see myself being friends with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries the way Tinu did. Sometime during the lockdown, she sent a text saying she missed our friendship, but I ignored the message.
What’s the state of your friendship with her now?
We’ve drifted apart since then; she’s more of an acquaintance now. We haven’t visited each other since the wedding fabric incident in 2018. I’ve only spoken to her on the phone once since I aired the message she sent to me during the lockdown.
Would you be interested in reconciling with her at some point in the future?
No. I don’t want to be doing an audit of my property every single time a so-called friend visits me. I never took anything of hers without asking her permission, so her entitlement to my belongings was too annoying for me to deal with. I think we’re better off apart.
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