Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old gay man whose sexual addiction ruined his three-year relationship. He talks about how the end of his relationship made him realise he has a problem and what fuels his addiction.
When did you have sex for the first time?
I think the first time I had sex was in SS3. I met a guy where I went to write my WAEC and after the paper, we went to his apartment. I didn’t know what sexual tension was at the time, but we had that. He kissed me and the rest just happened naturally. It wasn’t wow or anything like that, but it was good enough for me to want to do it again.
Oh yes. We hooked up again after that. Then I relocated to Lagos for uni, and my sexual awakening happened.
It’s also when I had my first “boyfriend”.
Why is the boyfriend in quotes?
He hated the word “boyfriend” because he thought it was so gay, so even though I think we were dating, I don’t know if I can say we were.
Fair enough. What about the sexual awakening?
Before I got to uni, I had slept with one person. By the end of my first year, I slept with close to thirty people.
Yup. Just so I’m not exaggerating, let’s say above 20 but less than thirty. I was kind of known for being an ashawo amongst the gays in my school then.
Do you know why you went from a body count of 1 to a body count of almost 30 so quickly?
I think it was a desirability thing. I did it to feel desirable. There was a thrill that came with someone wanting you and your body and of course, your penis.
LMAO. You mentioned being branded an ashawo back then. Were you slut-shamed often?
Oh yeah. People also undermined me because I was sleeping around and assumed I wasn’t smart. They would be rude to me, say snarky things in my back and my front. Nigerian uni is actually what American shows paint their high schools to be like.
That was how I met the first “boyfriend”. He was a hookup who didn’t know he was a hookup and so kept calling and texting me. We dated for a few months then he cheated on me.
With a friend of mine.
I was heartbroken but kind of relieved because I was already bored of the relationship. Most of why I was heartbroken is I felt he cheated on me because I wasn’t good-looking enough.
Desirability seems to be a major theme in your sex life.
It is actually. I recently realised the main reason I have sex is that I feel like at least someone wants me. And that’s like drugs to me, so it pushes me to search and look for it. As you can imagine, that makes me do things I shouldn’t do.
I have made so many bad decisions because of this thing. You know how someone slept with my “boyfriend”? I did the same thing to a different friend of mine later on.
His boyfriend started texting me on Instagram, saying suggestive things then started sending me selfies. I knew where it was going, did I stop it? No. It progressed to him sending nudes and one day, he asked me to come over. We didn’t agree on sex, but I knew what was going to happen. And it did.
Did you tell your friend?
Nah. It would’ve just caused drama.
Where do you think that need for feeling desirable comes from?
I was a fat kid and people were mean about it. In my late teens, puberty helped me get rid of a lot of the weight. Also when I was in uni, I started working out and that helped. But I still don’t feel good-looking, so I search for that feeling. I realised sex was like a way to get that hit, and it became my drug of choice.
That’s tough. Moving on from uni, how was your sex life in the “real world”?
I dated a lot, I had a lot more sex. I think I was searching for something that I didn’t even know. Then I met the love of my life.
Tell me about him.
I met him through a friend when I was trying to change my “whore” ways. He had a great job, was bald and good looking. What else could a boy want?
Nothing, my dear. So how was the relationship?
It was fucking good in the beginning. Good sex, healthy and good communication. We started playing with the idea of maybe going to the United States so we could get married or at least live as partners. Then, I fucked up.
I cheated on him several times.
Yeah. And with several people. We were together for three years. The first year, I was faithful. But from the second year? I was bored. I just wanted the thrill of casual sex with someone other than him.
Did you ever consider an open relationship with him?
He is monogamous, and honestly, so am I. If he had sex with someone, I would die.
Yeah, I know.
Okay, did he find out that you were stepping outside your relationship?
Yeah. He did because the gossip flew back to him. He confronted me about it. We talked about it and decided to still try.
What happened next?
A few months later, the next year, I slept with someone who was the boyfriend of someone he knows. I think that was the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. I saw his face when he confronted me about it, crying. He begged me that it shouldn’t be true.
I had never hated myself more than I did then. I think he broke then, and I hate that I was the one that did that to someone I loved who loved me.
What happened next?
He left the house, his house. I later found out he went to a friend’s place because the friend and his boyfriend came over to the house. He hasn’t talked to me since then. He didn’t even look at me when he came back. He didn’t block me on social media either; he just acts like I don’t exist. It’s been a year now.
Damn. Did this experience change how you approach sex now?
I think the guilt of what I did has changed me as a person. I don’t feel that rush I used to feel with sex anymore; I just feel guilt. When I try having sex, I stop halfway. I feel disgusted with my body now.
Have you thought of perhaps seeing a therapist?
I’m in therapy now. We’re working through my sex addiction.
How would you rate your sex life?
0. I am no longer having sex at the moment and all I feel when it comes to sex is disgust, anger and regret.