Sex Life: I Grade The Men I Sleep With

September 25, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old bisexual woman who talks about deciding to have sex after a car accident, getting over sex guilt and how she started grading her male sexual partners.

TW: Sexual Abuse

What was your first sexual experience?

The first time I had penetrative sex was at university. I was in my third year, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. He’d had sex before but we hadn’t. We just made out a lot.
One day, on our way back from a party, the car’s brakes failed and we had an accident. It could have been really bad but luckily, we were fine. When we got back to school, I thought, “I could die anytime o”. So we had sex.

“Tomorrow is not promised” nacks. I respect it. Wait, this was the same day as the accident?

Yeah. We did it, and I didn’t really like it because I think I preferred making out more than the actual sex. It was a letdown.
Also, I remember heading to my room and feeling like everyone was staring at me because I’d had sex. Which was silly. They were staring at me because I’d clearly just been in an accident.

So how did it go with this boyfriend?

We continued dating and having sex for another eight months before the relationship ended. He broke up with me because I was shit at sex — or because he wanted to cheat. I’m not sure which it was.

I was very active in church, and so every time we had sex I would go to church for one meeting or the other and feel so guilty. One time I had these really bad cramps that sent me to the emergency room. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong even after an ultrasound, but it would get so bad that I couldn’t walk.

I’d find out later that it was phantom pain and was in my mind but showing in my body. It was clear that only making out was the best thing for me at that time.

Was that the end of sex for you?

Well, there was the breakup, but before that, I got raped by the drama director at church. I was also getting a lot of attention I didn’t want.

I remember telling my friend that it felt like everybody wanted to sleep with me, and that was so disconcerting. I would wonder if maybe there was a sign painted on my head. I got really depressed. 

I’m so sorry about that. So when did the tables turn with sex?

After I left university, I continued to have sex with other men I met and dated, but unfortunately, I had started confusing sex for affection. My heart got broken three times back to back. So I told myself I would stop dating.

Then I met this guy on Twitter. We hit it off and decided to spend a weekend together. It was my first time packing a bag to stay over at a man’s place. 

When we had sex, something changed that day. While the sex was good for me, it was great for him. He couldn’t stop talking about it even after the weekend was over. Being the person making him feel all that pleasure was amazing. At some point, I didn’t even mind not getting any pleasure. It was also the first time I was having sex without any phantom pain, or shame, afterwards.

How did it go this time?

We dated for about three years and we had sex a lot. We had this book that had different sexual positions — just like the Kamasutra. We were both committed to having the best sex. 

It didn’t even matter where we had sex. One time we had sex in the rain, another time in his uncle’s house, then on his mother’s fridge in her kitchen, then his grandma’s house—

Not grandma’s house.

We had sex everywhere. And we never got caught. One time, at his mother’s house, there were a few of his friends and his mother’s friends in the living room having a discussion. We both went to the backyard to have sex.

Ah. You said this ended after three years. What happened?

I found out he had a girlfriend who was not in the country the entire time we were dating.

But it didn’t end right after that. We kept having sex, feeling guilty about it, spending some time apart and repeating the process. During one of the times apart, I ran into him and we decided to go back to his house. There was some other babe in his house and three of us slept on the bed. At least I thought we were all sleeping. The two of them were busy having sex beside me. I woke up and asked what he was doing, and he kept lying. Eventually, he started apologising and kissing me and then we started making out. That’s how this other babe joined us and I had my first threesome. I liked it.

He left the country after a while and that was the end of that.

Wow. So what came next?

I decided I wanted to get serious with adulting. I got a job, got into a committed relationship and did that for four years until it became abusive in the last year. We finally broke up before the lockdown. During the lockdown, I moved in with some friends; three women and five men in the same house.

Were you having any sex?

Zero. In fact, one of the guys in the house teased me about it and said I needed to have sex. I decided to have sex with him and asked some of our mutual friends if it was a good idea. One of them told me, “He fucks like a pornstar. Go for it and come back and gist me.”

We all know men are cheap and so not long after, we had sex. The experience was a different thing entirely. I squirted for the first time. It was amazing. I’d had orgasms before but this was a discovery. He would talk to me during sex and ask me what I wanted him to do or try.

Seems we all locked down differently.

After a stint with this friend, I finally felt like I was in charge of my sexual journey. I went ahead to have sex with people I wanted and people that wanted to have sex with me. Some of these experiences were with women and some others with men.

How would you say sex has been with this new crop of partners?

Well, so far there have been five men and at some point, I started mentally grading them on different parts of sex. I made a list recently to show my friend the grades. I can show it to you.

Yes, please.

I remember asking a friend if she thought it was okay that I was comparing people based on their sexual abilities and she told me, “Nah, men do it too.”

I wrote the list out to show her what I meant, and she said I wasn’t having enough sex.

It’s so… detailed.

Yeah, I just finished a project management course.

Getting into the list, could you run me through some of these terms?

Okay, here it goes:

  • Body play: Some partners don’t touch your body. They just see you as tits and ass, no kissing and touching your neck, thighs, arms, back, etc.
  • Cumming: Sometimes the way a person cums can make you cum, so this is important.
  • Safety: Can be anything from cutting their fingernails to whether or not they have condoms or if there are weird people in their house.
  • Positioning: Of all the styles, I really like doggy. Some partners just want to do missionary and be done with it or they put you in weird positions that hurt.
  • Reactions: It’s important that a partner is reacting well to the things being done to them. 

A lot of the terms are self-explanatory though. Also, I never give an F. The worst is always an E, for effort.

How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

I’d rate it an 8/10. I’m having as much sex as I want when I want.

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