Sex and marriage are often marketed as a forever-romantic combo, but what happens when sex leaves the equation and you no longer stain your partner’s body with tears of ecstasy for months, or even years? Is it still marriage if the bed runs cold?
From postpartum struggles and personal trauma to ageing bodies and emotional walls, these seven Nigerians open up about the longest dry spells they’ve faced in marriage and what those seasons taught them about intimacy, desire and everything in between.
“We stopped having sex in my 50s and I didn’t miss it” — *Grace, 82
When you’ve had seven kids, sex can start to feel less like fun and more like labour. Grace, an octogenarian with grandchildren and great-grandchildren, shares why she mentally checked out of sex decades before her husband died — and why she has no regrets about it.
“My husband has been late for nine years, but to be honest, our sex life ended long before that. The last time I let him touch me, I was in my late 50s. I just wasn’t interested anymore. What was the point after seven children? My body changed, my hormones changed, and it stopped being enjoyable. Sometimes, it even irritated me.
He didn’t take it well at all. The man was still very active and kept trying to initiate things. At some point, our grown children even called a family meeting on his behalf. Can you imagine? Grown adults asking their mother why she wasn’t “giving daddy his conjugal rights”. I was so embarrassed and annoyed. I told them in plain Yoruba: If your father wants to go outside, let him go. I won’t disturb him as long as he doesn’t come home with another wife or a child.
That was the agreement. He had his flings, and I had my peace. When he died, it wasn’t a sexual loss for me. I’d already grieved that part of our relationship decades earlier.”
“We didn’t have sex for a year because I didn’t trust her anymore” — *Bayo, 41
You can sleep in the same bed with someone and still feel miles apart. *Bayo recounts the betrayal that led to a one-year sexual shutdown in his marriage and what it took to reconnect beyond the sheets.
“Our longest dry spell was a full year. It wasn’t about health or lack of interest. It was pure resentment. My wife and I had back-to-back fights over something she hid from me — financial stuff. She took out a loan from a trusted person using my name, and I found out months later when she defaulted. It felt like a betrayal, and I shut down. I didn’t want to share my body with someone I couldn’t trust. We still lived in the same house, ate at the same table, even prayed together, but at night, I turned to the wall and kept to myself. I guess it’s easier for the sex to take a hit when you’ve had kids and have gone way past the “butterflies” in my tummy phase.
We were in counselling for a few months before things started improving. I didn’t even realise how much I’d missed the closeness until the first time we tried again. It was awkward, but also felt familiar. Almost like our bodies remembered each other. Obviously, I was doing lots of self action. That year taught me that sex in marriage isn’t just about pleasure. It’s deeply emotional. If the heart is blocked, the body hardly responds.”
“Boiling water spilled on me, it took two months to come back from that” — *Kenny, 38
Two months might not sound like a lot, but it feels like a lifetime when you’re used to being active.
“In 2021, I had a freak kitchen accident where hot water spilled directly on my privates. I still get chills thinking about it. The burns weren’t severe enough for surgery, but the pain? Intense. I couldn’t wear briefs comfortably for weeks, talk less of doing anything.
The physical recovery was one thing, but the psychological trauma was another. My confidence was gone. Even when I started healing, I couldn’t get it up properly; my brain just wouldn’t cooperate. My wife was incredibly patient. She never pressured me once. When we finally tried again, we took it really slow. It felt like I was learning my body all over again. Now we laugh about it sometimes, but it took everything in me not to sink into a depression during that time.”
“Everywhere was dry like desert” — *Gregory, 34
*Gregory didn’t anticipate how long the break would last after childbirth. But once the healing process started, his wife swung into action.
“The longest would be three to four months, and it was after my wife gave birth. She had a tear, so I just stayed clear. No sex, no touching everywhere dry like desert. Tears full my eyes, but what was the other option? I had to maintain. At first, I was just winging it. I think I resorted to masturbating by the third month, but it wasn’t a habit, just a one-off because it doesn’t compare to the real thing. Outside of that, I tried to focus on work and our newborn. A baby is a full-time job, so it helped me redirect the energy. However, I was back to self-pleasure again in a matter of weeks because I had to “let it out,” if you get my drift.
My wife initiated sex again after four months. If she hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have made any move because I wasn’t asking her daily if she had healed. But once she initiated it, we picked up the pace like we never stopped.”
“I haven’t touched my husband since 2022” — *Adebola, 36
*Adebola’s husband relocated for greener pastures, but their sex life had to take a hit. Now, she’s left to battle her own urges in silence.
“The last time I slept with my husband was in 2022, just before he relocated. We tried to go as many rounds as possible in that last week, but I was already horny by the next one. It’s been extremely hard denying myself this pleasure, but I keep reminding myself it’s only for a while. He’s not there to play, he’s there to make our lives better. Once we’re reunited, all the pillow-hugging, tossing and turning on the bed, and ovulation madness will be water under the bridge.
We’ve tried phone play, but my husband is too old school. It’s almost like I’m forcing him. Even when I send him stuff, he just glosses over it and changes the topic. I think he’s super paranoid about phone activities. One thing I know for sure is that when we finally see each other, I just want to touch him again. I miss holding him, feeling him in my hands — especially his penis.”
“We went a full year without sex” — *Hariff, 29
Pregnancy came with physical and emotional changes that left *Hariff and his wife avoiding intimacy for months. Surprisingly, he didn’t mind too much.
“The longest we’ve gone without sex is about a year. It started when my wife was five months pregnant. She started spitting a lot and complained of constant discharges. She gets irritated easily, and all of that made sex disgusting for her. I’m also not a fan of seeing discharges. I know it’s natural, but pulling off a black or white pant and seeing stuff on it just kills the mood. And when she got pregnant, there was a lot of it.
So yeah, I was fine with us staying away from sex. But that didn’t mean there was no touching or foreplay. We just never got down to the main thing.
We picked up sex again about six months after she healed fully from childbirth. It felt a bit new again, but we adjusted in no time.”
“After my mum died, I didn’t want anyone touching me” — *Kemi, 28
Grief can make even the warmest touch feel intrusive. *Kemi opens up about how her mother’s death created a six-month wall between her and her husband, and how therapy helped her find her way back to intimacy.
“The longest I’ve gone is six months, right after my mother died in 2020. I don’t know what people mean when they say grief brings couples closer. For me, it shut everything down.
My mum was my best friend. Losing her so suddenly shattered me. My husband tried to be supportive, but nothing he did could reach me emotionally. He’d try to cuddle me at night, and I’d flinch. He’d touch my arm and I’d pull away. It wasn’t even about him; I just couldn’t stand any kind of intimacy. He never complained, but I could tell it hurt him. One night, he asked if I still found him attractive. I cried for hours after that. I eventually started therapy, and that’s what helped me find my way back to myself and him.”
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