Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Cynthia* (27) and Maleek* (28) are exes who have agreed to remain friends.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the cycle of violence and expensive apologies that marked their relationships, and the reckoning that inevitably followed.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Cynthia: Maleek and I met in 2021 during our HND at a polytechnic in Ogun State. We’d seen each other around in our ND days, but we barely spoke. But that changed in 2021 after I attended a friend’s birthday party at Maleek’s apartment. That was the first time we actually interacted.
Maleek: The party was my earliest memory of Cynthia. I don’t remember seeing her on campus before that night
I allowed my close friends to use my apartment for events like that. I had a big three-bedroom flat all to myself, so why not? I mostly kept to myself in school, but I was generous with the people in my cycle. That birthday party was when I first noticed Cynthia.
She wasn’t really playful. Everyone else was loud, dancing, drinking, and being over the top. But Cynthia was calm and reserved. That drew me to her. At the time, I had several girls I was talking to, but none of them was a serious girlfriend. They were all too extroverted for my liking, and obviously interested in my money and what I could do for them. Something about Cynthia’s calm demeanour made me feel like she was different. Like she could be the one I’d take seriously. I approached her, and we talked briefly. Before she left, I asked for her number.
Cynthia: I didn’t really want to give him, to be honest. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. But I didn’t want to seem rude, since I was in his house at a party he was gracious enough to host. So I gave him my number and figured I’d see where it went.
What happened next?
Maleek: We started talking on the phone regularly. I’m very direct, so I didn’t waste time. I told her I was interested in her and wanted us to date. I started throwing gifts at her, sending her money, taking care of things for her. That’s how I am. If I like someone, I show it through my actions and my resources.
Cynthia: I didn’t mind it, honestly. I’d been looking for a boyfriend like that, someone who had money and could take care of me. Things weren’t exactly rosy at home, and I couldn’t do some of the things my friends were doing for money.
Maleek was very generous, and I appreciated it. We started dating in late 2021, and the first year was actually good. He was attentive, sweet, and took care of me financially, and we enjoyed each other’s company.
Seems you both moved things around pretty fast. Curious, did you ask questions about his finances, Cynthia?
Cynthia: I didn’t need to. As we got closer, I realised that he came from money. He also wasn’t dependent on his parents’ wealth. Maleek was always doing multiple things, from trading forex to selling gadgets. His mum, who works with the government, also had high-paying side gigs for him. It was easy to say yes once I realised he earned from legitimate sources.
Maleek: I wasn’t bothered about the assumptions people made about my lifestyle. People will always talk, and I’ve learned to be fine with that.
Right. So how did things progress over time?
Cynthia: In the second year of the relationship, I started spending more time at Maleek’s apartment. I was basically living there part-time. And that’s when I started noticing red flags that I’d missed. He was extremely jealous of everything. He had serious, deep-rooted trust issues. He always wanted to know who I was talking to, where I was going, who I was with, and what time I’d be back. He’d look through my phone without asking for permission, scrolling through my messages, checking my call logs, and looking at my social media interactions. He’d question me intensely about male classmates and friends. If I mentioned a guy’s name even in passing, he’d want to know who the person was, how I knew them, and why I was talking to them. It became suffocating. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was being monitored constantly.
Maleek: I had trust issues, yes. I still do, to some extent. But I’m working on them. I just felt like the girls in my school couldn’t be fully trusted. They have many options — too many guys trying to get their attention at every turn. On campus, in class, at parties, online. Everywhere you look, there’s someone trying to talk to and get close to them. I wanted to make sure Cynthia wasn’t playing me or entertaining other men behind my back. I didn’t want to be the fool who trusted completely and then got betrayed. So I watched her closely.
Hmmm.
Cynthia: It got so bad that Maleek hit me during some of those arguments. The first time it happened, I was completely shocked. I didn’t expect it from him at all. I couldn’t reconcile the sweet version of him with the person who was now hitting me. I threatened to leave immediately. I told him I wouldn’t tolerate it. And he came back crying and begging within hours. He apologised profusely, swearing he didn’t know what came over him and promising it would never happen again. And then he spoiled me with gifts and money to make up for it. Expensive bags, shoes, money, whatever I wanted, and I forgave him. I convinced myself it was a one-time mistake.
Then it happened again. And again. It became a cycle. We’d argue, he’d hit me, I’d threaten to leave, he’d cry and beg and buy me expensive things, and I’d stay. By the time we got to our final year, I had emotionally checked out of the relationship. But I was still physically there. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it was the money, fear or a combination of both.
Maleek, had she given you any reason to suspect anything?
Maleek: Honestly, she has always been faithful. I didn’t see it because I guess I also had the wrong set of friends. Cynthia is pretty and light-skinned. They’ll always tell me it wasn’t possible that I was her only guy. Some of them would also randomly hit me up whenever they saw her hanging out with a male coursemate. It was crazy.
I was immature at the time. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions or my insecurities. I thought I could control the situation through jealousy and aggression, but all I did was push her away and hurt her.
Cynthia, when did you finally leave?
Cynthia: I broke up with him after we graduated in early 2024. I had had enough of the emotional and physical abuse. I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him it was over, and I meant it this time. But he didn’t move on.
Maleek: I wanted another chance. I kept calling her, asking to see her, trying to convince her that I’d changed. And surprisingly, she entertained some of it. She’d pick up my calls and sometimes agree to hang out. I thought maybe there was still hope for us.
Why did you still entertain him, Cynthia?
Cynthia: I don’t know. Maybe I felt guilty, or maybe I still cared about him in some twisted way. But I was clear that we weren’t getting back together. I just wanted to maintain a friendship or cordial relationship. But after we both left school and returned to Lagos, we barely spoke. In a way, I thought that phase was finally over, and I could move on. But I was wrong.
Why? What happened?
Cynthia: Fast forward to NYSC in 2024. We ended up in the same state for NYSC. It was strange seeing him again in a new place, but since we ended on a fairly cordial note, it wasn’t entirely awkward.
Because Maleek had money, he was able to settle down quickly and comfortably. Within the first few weeks, he’d found a decent place to stay, furnished it properly, got everything sorted, and was living comfortably. I, on the other hand, was still trying to manage and figure things out. My accommodation wasn’t great at all. I was in a cramped space that I shared with another corps member. I was struggling financially because my allowance wasn’t enough to cover everything I needed. And I was still finding my footing in the new environment.
Because of that, I started visiting Maleek again. It was easier to go to his place, where things were comfortable, than to stay in my cramped space. We started hanging out more frequently.
Maleek: Seeing her again was probably the best thing that happened to me. I was actually supposed to serve in Lagos, but my plug messed up. He was going to work on my redeployment, but I halted the arrangement after I saw Cynthia. I never shared this with her. It was just a decision I made after I realised she had no plans to redeploy. In a way, I still felt responsible for her.
When she started visiting, I thought maybe this was our second chance. I’d try to initiate things and rekindle what we had, but she declined. She insisted we should just be friends. I tried to respect that, but it was hard because of my feelings for her.
Curious, Cynthia. Did you think it was safe to be around him, considering the past?
Cynthia: It wasn’t, and I sometimes blame myself for getting carried away, because the same thing from our school days happened again.
One day, I went out with another male friend, a corps member I’d met during orientation camp. We hung out to get food, talk about experiences so far, and have a good time. When he dropped me off later that evening, I asked him to drop me at Maleek’s place because I planned to spend time there and maybe stay the night, since my own place was uncomfortable. I didn’t think anything of it. But when the guy’s car pulled up outside Maleek’s building, and I got out, Maleek was outside. He was immediately furious.
Maleek: Seeing her laughing with another guy who felt comfortable enough to drop her off at my place triggered everything I’d been trying to suppress. I felt disrespected and betrayed, like she was throwing it in my face.
Cynthia: I tried to explain calmly that he was just a friend, but he wasn’t listening. He’d already decided what had happened. And then he hit me. We weren’t even dating anymore; we’d been broken up for over a year, and he hit me.
This time, I fought back. We got into a physical altercation so loud that neighbours came out and intervened. They separated us, and I left his place immediately. But I was so angry that I reported him to the police the next morning. I told them everything that happened, and then they went to arrest Maleek.
Maleek: I was briefly detained. They came to my place, brought me in, questioned me for hours about what happened, about my relationship with Cynthia, about the allegations she’d made. They warned me sternly about the consequences of domestic violence. They told me I needed to stay far away from Cynthia and stop harassing her. It was humiliating being there, and I couldn’t believe Cynthia would take it that far. They released me later that same day with a very stern warning to leave her alone completely, but I didn’t.
Why?
Maleek: The moment I was released, I went straight to look for Cynthia at her place. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was still in denial about the seriousness of the situation. I wanted to apologise face-to-face—I needed her to know I was genuinely sorry for my actions. I thought that if I could just talk to her and explain myself, she’d understand.
I see.
Cynthia: When he showed up, my flatmates didn’t let him anywhere near me. They’d already heard what happened the night before. They were protective and concerned for my safety. They made sure he couldn’t get to my door or try to talk to me. Some of them even threatened to call the police again if he didn’t leave immediately. I appreciated that so much because I didn’t want to see him at all. I needed space from him.
Thankfully, we barely saw each other for the rest of NYSC. We both finished our service year and returned to Lagos without crossing paths.
Fair enough. So when did you reconnect?
Cynthia: Late 2025. We ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding in Lagos. I saw him from across the reception hall, and he looked genuinely different from the last time I’d seen him. I watched him from a distance for a bit, and then, for some reason I can’t fully explain, I went over to say hi. I don’t know exactly why I did it. We did some small talk about how we’d been and what we’d been up to.
Maleek: I was surprised when she came to talk to me. I thought she’d avoid me forever after everything that happened. But she seemed open, so we exchanged numbers again and agreed to keep in touch.
What’s your relationship like now?
Cynthia: We talk occasionally, maybe once every few months. Nothing deep or intense, just friendly check-ins. I’m also dating someone else now, and Maleek knows that. I’ve told him about my current relationship. I’ve moved on completely, and I’m in a much healthier place mentally and emotionally.
Maleek: I’m still single. I’m focused on relocating abroad right now, so I’m not really actively looking for a relationship. But I’m glad Cynthia and I can at least be cordial after everything that happened between us. I’m glad she’s moved on and found happiness with someone who treats her better than I did. I’ve done a lot of serious self-reflection since everything happened, and I’ve worked hard on myself. I’m not the same person I was back then.
Looking back, what do you wish you’d done differently?
Maleek: I wish I trusted her more and didn’t listen to my “friends”. They didn’t mean well with all their side comments, disguised as concern for me. I also have better control of my emotions now.
Cynthia: I wish I’d left the very first time things got physical. I wish I’d valued myself more from the beginning and recognised immediately that no amount of financial comfort or material things is worth your physical safety or your mental peace.
Do you think you guys will ever be in a relationship again?
Cynthia: Not romantically. I’m content with us being friends from a distance.
Maleek: I agree. What we had is in the past. I respect where she is now and her decision to move on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Cynthia: Maybe a 3. There were good moments, especially in the beginning. But the bad far outweighed the good.
Maleek: I’d say a 4. I cared about her, and I tried in my own flawed way. But I let my insecurities get the best of me.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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