On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages,  to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

Dave* (24) has been in many relationships, but an emotional connection has always been the missing piece. While many people experience love and attachment, he has always felt differently. 

In this episode, he talks about navigating dating without deep feelings and what he’s learned about himself.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single and comfortable with it. I’ve realised that I don’t connect with people emotionally in the way others do. I often come across as the bad guy in people’s stories, but it’s only because I enjoy my space.

Have you always felt this way? Walk me through your dating history. 

As a young man, I couldn’t relate when people talked about crushes and feelings. I had friends and was popular because I was into sports, but I was never into anyone to the point that it became something serious. At 16, I dated Ngozi*. People always suggested that we’d make a good pair, and some even said she liked me.  I eventually just went along with it, and we became an item.

We did the usual things like holding hands and kissing, but I didn’t feel flutters in my tummy like my friends described. By the time we finished secondary school, I’d grown tired, especially of the effort required for keeping in touch. I eventually suggested we break up and remain friends, and I didn’t feel bad.

I see. Did it get better when you got to Uni?

Not for a while. There were many people I met and would consider briefly. But once we got into the talking stage and it started requiring emotional effort, I’d pull back.

The only time things worked was when it was purely physical. Anything deeper just frustrated me. But in 2022, I felt otherwise when I met Ummi*.

Tell me about Ummi. How did you meet?

Ummi was very likeable. We were both into sports and occasionally ran into each other within the school premises.  After a while, I approached her, and we became friends. For the first time, I felt genuinely excited about someone. I thought maybe this was what people meant when they talked about being in love.

We had great chemistry, similar interests, and everything flowed naturally. Eventually, we started dating a few months into our friendship.

But over time, my feelings began to fade. I remember when she told me she loved me. I was happy, but I didn’t feel the same way. I liked her, but what I felt within me was far from love, even though I didn’t exactly know what that felt like. It didn’t help that we handled emotions very differently, and I started getting frustrated.

Curious, what exactly was this difference? 

She was expressive, and I wasn’t. Things like holding hands, sitting close, or showing affection didn’t come naturally to me, and she assumed it meant that I didn’t care. She also wanted constant communication and sharing locations, which felt overwhelming for me. We argued a lot, but things really escalated 8 months into the relationship. It was also around our birthdays.

She went all out for mine by organising a surprise party and gifting me shoes I’d been saving for. I appreciated it, but she felt my reaction wasn’t enough, and that upset her.

During her birthday, which was barely a month later, I made a conscious effort. I planned a full outing and spent a lot at an expensive restaurant. But after everything, she asked where her gift was. When I said the outing was the gift, she got upset that I didn’t do enough.

She also complained that I didn’t post her on my social media till she nudged me. At that point, it felt like she just wanted to nag me, and that signalled the beginning of the end.

She became paranoid and falsely accused me of seeing someone else. But that wasn’t all, she also accused me of dating her for sex.  Her words really hurt because I did care about her. Eventually, we broke up.

How did you feel about the breakup considering how much you cared about her?

I was hurt, but also relieved. The constant arguments were draining and a major distraction. I was in my final year at the time, and I had bigger fish to fry.

I wanted us to remain friends, but she refused. She said exes can’t stay friends and even told me to get myself checked because I was “emotionally dull”. That really got to me. I started wondering if something was actually wrong with me.

After that, we never really spoke again. Things were awkward whenever we saw each other until we graduated.

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I see. What happened after that?

I stayed single for a while. Then in 2024, I got involved with a friend, Favour*. She’s very open and curious, and we got closer after she moved near me. She’s also very social and made me leave the house more than I usually would.

One evening, we attended a rave together, and she kissed me. She also confessed her feelings for me, but I was quick to say I wasn’t interested in dating. But I liked being around her, so we agreed to keep things as a situationship. We spent time together, talked, and hooked up without pressure. I liked that I still had my space.

At first, it worked. But over time, Favour wanted more intention, proper dates and gifts. I felt myself slipping into the same pattern with Ummi, becoming avoidant and withdrawing at times.

Eventually, she noticed and said that she wanted to be open and see someone else alongside what we had. I agreed and didn’t feel jealous. I thought the arrangement worked because she was getting what she needed while I still had my space.

Did that arrangement last?

Not for long. After about five months, she started pulling away. I’d see her doing things without me, which felt strange because we used to spend a lot of time together.

When I asked what was going on, she said she hadn’t realised I was that uninterested in her and that everything had started to feel one-sided. I reminded her of my conditions from the beginning, but by then, she’d already made up her mind. She asked to end things to protect her feelings.

Hmm.

What hurt was how quickly she moved on. In less than a month, she was in a relationship with the other guy. That was when I really started questioning myself, especially because this wasn’t the first time something like that had happened.

I even considered whether I might be on the autism spectrum because I struggle with emotional expression. But after reading more, I’ve realised it’s more likely that I have some aromantic tendencies. Looking back, I can see the pattern in how I relate to people.

So, how have your experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I’m learning to be honest about my capacity. Even if I struggle with romantic feelings, that doesn’t mean I should ignore other people’s emotions. I’ve hurt people by staying in relationships just because they were convenient for me.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d give it a 9.5/10. I enjoy my independence and don’t miss the stress of relationships. If I try love again in the future, I hope I have better outcomes.

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