Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Ginika* (24) spent the first thirteen years of her life believing she was Bolanle, the last child of a poor family living in a Lagos slum. Unbeknownst to her, her biological parents were alive and well.
For Sunken Ships, Ginika recalls her early childhood, reconnecting with her parents after more than a decade and why she has decided to cut both of them off.
Tell me about your relationship with your parents.
My relationship with my parents is complex. On one hand, when I was abandoned, living with a different family for the first thirteen years of my life, I yearned and wished for parents of my own. But after escaping that place and reuniting with them, I no longer want to have anything to do with them.
Whoa. Let’s go back to the beginning.
My parents’ relationship has always been tumultuous. My mum got pregnant when she was 18. My dad was in his 30s and had told her he wanted to settle down but wasn’t making any serious moves. Afraid of the way her strict family would react, and that my dad would leave her stranded, she tried to abort it with pills she got from a friend’s mum.
How did that go for her?
It didn’t work, obviously. When she found out a few months later that she was still pregnant despite her attempts, she knew she had to keep it.
How did her family react when she told them about you?
She kept the pregnancy hidden until she delivered, then showed up at her house with a baby. Her parents were deeply disappointed with her and sent her away from home. They also stopped sending her money in the middle of her pre-degree program. They were especially harsh on her because it had happened before.
What do you mean?
Her older sister had also gotten pregnant young and out of wedlock. My grandparents had looked to my mum as their ‘final hope’ and wanted her to complete her education. Only for her to surprise them with a baby out of wedlock.
I see. How did your dad react when your mum told him that she was keeping the baby?
She made him believe that she had found a way to get rid of the pregnancy, so he didn’t even know that I existed.
That’s wild. When did your mum finally tell you about him?
I didn’t physically meet my mum until I was 14. She didn’t tell me anything.
Ah! Please explain.
When my mum’s abortion attempts didn’t pan out, she had me right before her pre-degree exams. She wanted to focus on them, so she begged her friend’s mum, a midwife, to care for me for two weeks while she finished her school year.
How old were you when she dropped you off?
I was thirteen days old. She never came back after her exams. She left me there in a Lagos slum with that family, and I grew up thinking I was one of them.
That’s so crazy. What was living with that family like?
I wasn’t treated with any kindness while I lived with them. One of their greatest offences is erasing my Igbo heritage. They changed my name from Ginika to Bolanle*, so I grew up thinking I was Yoruba and the last child of their family. I didn’t know my biological parents even existed. Another is how much they sedated me.
Sedated you? What do you mean?
My mother often came to visit the family. Each time she did, the matriarch would inject me with a sedative so I wouldn’t be awake during the visit. They made sure I never set eyes on my mum. I didn’t know anything about her. I thought I got so many injections because I was sick.
Omo. Did your grandparents or extended family try to come for you?
Yes, when I was still a baby. But the family taking care of me refused to let me go. The midwife claimed that I had health issues that needed to be closely monitored because of my mum’s abortion attempts. Eventually, they kept lying that I was with my mum or that I had travelled with a caretaker, so my grandparents gave up on taking me back.
Wow. How did your dad find out about you?
He reconnected with my mum on Facebook in 2013, two days after my 13th birthday. He was shocked to learn he had a daughter and insisted on speaking with me. My mum told him to reach out to the family I was staying with, and he did. It wasn’t easy.
Why was it difficult?
I don’t know why, but they were determined to keep me from knowing any family but theirs. It was a greedy uncle who finally got me on a phone call with my dad after taking a bribe.
What was that first connection with your dad like?
I was on top of the world. I finally had a dad, someone who would protect me if I asked. I told him how they barely fed me and didn’t let me go to school, and he promised to take me away from there. Ten days after he made that promise, he came to get me.
That must have been a relief.
At first, it was. But it was as if I went from being a house girl in one house to continuing in another. My dad was married and had my half-sister, whom I adore. I wasn’t enrolled in school. I spent my days cooking, cleaning, and taking care of his child. His wife made me call her mummy from day one, and when the baby I’d spent all my time caring for started calling me ‘mama’, she complained. It wasn’t ideal.
When did you finally meet your mum?
I met her for the first time eighteen months after I met my dad. He said he couldn’t afford my school fees, and my mom offered to pay, but only if I moved in with her in Kwara.
What was it like meeting her after all that time had passed?
It was surreal. I was excited to meet her, but also angry that she had abandoned me so easily. I found out that she had someone who wanted to marry and also had a son.
What was it like living with her?
She introduced me to her prospective husband as her sister’s daughter and warned me to call her “auntie” in front of him. He was kind at first, but when he eventually found out the truth that I was her daughter, he turned cold toward me. Their relationship ended shortly after that, and she blamed me.
Would you say things improved after your parents came back into your life?
Yes and no. It was great to have my own family members and identity, but they didn’t treat me much better than the family I grew up with. My education was placed on the back burner, and they used me as a free caretaker for my half-siblings. I had to do many things to make money for myself, and that took a toll on my mental health.
Like what?
I’ve taken all sorts of gigs. I donated my eggs for ₦150k, which was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I’ve travelled interstate to cook on the weekend for families for peanuts, all to keep body and soul together. In 2023, I decided to prioritise myself and my health.
Did you ever get to continue your education?
Someone offered to sponsor me through school while I was in Kwara, but my mum turned down the offer because she didn’t want me to parade myself as a poor child. I’ve taken matters into my own hands now by saving up for a cybersecurity course.
What’s your relationship with your parents like today?
Distant. I don’t speak to either of them anymore. I’m tired of being used as a housegirl or an emotional weapon. They’ve shown with their actions that they only care for me when it’s convenient, and I don’t want that kind of inconsistency in my life.
Do you live with either of them?
No, I had to move out of my dad’s place in 2017 when his wife became increasingly abusive to me. Instead of defending me, my dad beat me to please his wife. I didn’t go back to my mum’s place because she claimed I loved my dad more than her, and that made us argue often. I live by myself in Ibadan now.
What does that look like for you right now?
I’m figuring things out as I go. I want to travel, build a career, and see how far I can get on my own.
How long has it been since you’ve been in contact with your parents?
It’s been more than two years since I’ve reached out to them. I speak with my half-siblings because I love them, but I don’t have anything to say to my parents.
Do you want children of your own someday?
Honestly, no. I was made to take on a caretaker role too young, and I don’t want to repeat that. Maybe I’ll meet someone who changes my mind, but I’m not holding my breath.
Would you like for your kids to meet your parents?
Absolutely not. If I have any children, they’re not meeting either of my parents. I want to build them a life without stress or the kind of inconsistencies I had to deal with growing up.
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*Names have been changed to protect identities
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