For many Nigerians, love doesn’t always end in fireworks. There are the undefined ‘what-ifs’ and almost-relationships. *Tochukwu (23) knows this feeling all too well. From a transactional first love to an undefined entanglement that left him guessing, dating has been anything but smooth.
He shares how his views on love have changed since then, and why he’s not seeking out love, for now.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single. Considering the chaos in the Nigerian dating space, I’m happy about it. People only want casual relationships these days.
When did you first find yourself “on the streets,” and what kicked things off?
I think we’re all on the streets by default until we find someone. But I got off the streets for a while when I reconnected with *Vera, a primary school friend, in 2019. We started dating a year later, but looking back, I should’ve known we wouldn’t last.
What happened?
It started off as sweet, young love. We saw each other almost every day and went on many dates. She was thoughtful at times by always checking with me, and I genuinely loved her. But over time, she started comparing me to other people who spoiled their girlfriends and constantly complained about money. I was still a student, living on an allowance, but I planned most of our dates and paid for everything.
The moment that changed things for me was when my sister, who owns a pastry business, did a giveaway. Vera won, thanks to some help from me, but I was shocked when she asked me for money to get the item delivered. That’s when I started seeing the relationship differently. It felt purely transactional. Things ended shortly after. Even though we dated for less than a year, she was my first love. The breakup wasn’t easy, but it was draining my pockets, and I had to be logical.
A casual relationship with a coursemate helped me move on from Vera. Still, it didn’t go anywhere serious — she was already in a relationship, and I had to transfer schools when the ASUU strike happened.
Was that a connection you were really excited about?
No, it wasn’t. It just happened, and I didn’t put my heart into it since she had a boyfriend. But there were two connections I actually wanted that didn’t work out.
One was with a close friend I caught feelings for. I told her, but she didn’t feel the same. The other was more recent; I met her at a rave. We danced, vibed, and she even asked me to take videos of her. But I didn’t get her number or name. I regretted it later, but I was still healing from the scars of my last situationship. I still think about her sometimes.
Can you talk about this “situationship” that left you in a bad place?
I met *Tolu in my third year. She was missing some details from a course we took together, so I texted her on X. We started chatting daily and grew really close. We bonded over long walks around school and held hands. We eventually admitted our feelings
Not long after that, we had to leave school for our 6-month Industrial training. I travelled abroad for mine, while Tolu stayed in Lagos. We made it work despite the one-hour time difference. But a few months in, I noticed our communication dipped. She said work was stressful and made it hard to constantly keep in touch. Then there was this money issue. She asked me to send her money, and I got debited twice. She didn’t mention the second payment until I brought it up. I felt weird about that.
Things kept getting worse. I expected things to return to normal when I returned, but Tolu had a guy’s picture on her lock screen. She claimed a friend set it as a joke. I wanted to make things official, but she kept stalling, saying she wasn’t ready for the pressure that came with the label. So we stayed in this undefined grey area.
One day, I had to help her fix her laptop, and that was when I noticed her X account was still logged in. I didn’t check at first, but I took it as a sign when the laptop developed another fault. I went through her DMs and found conversations with an “ex” she claimed she wasn’t talking to. They had planned meetups during the IT period. I also saw flirty DMs from other guys she didn’t shut down. I was hurt, but I still made excuses for her. I never even brought it up. I couldn’t hold her accountable for most of what she did because we hadn’t made it official.
I’m curious. Why didn’t you walk away at that point?
Unlike my first relationship, what I shared with Tolu didn’t feel transactional. She reciprocated in her own way, and I thought we had something worth fighting for. I was hopeful. I felt we had something worth fixing.
I also blamed myself for not defining things sooner. We were already so close that it felt like giving it a label wouldn’t change anything.
But then I found Tolu’s nudes saved to someone else’s Snap. I also saw a playlist titled “Songs to Listen to When I Miss You”. In the cover photo, she hugged a guy I recognised from her office. The worst part? They were songs I’d sent her. I confronted her, but she just cried and said I had no right to go through her phone.
What finally ended the ship?
After school ended, I tried to plan a date, but she kept making excuses. Then I saw her post about a date with a guy she once described as “just a friend.” He was some upcoming artist whose songs she had once begged me to stream. I blocked her everywhere.
She kept calling and texting. I eventually told her it was over, and then I blocked her for good. A mutual friend later told me she liked me at the start, but was using me as a rebound. That helped me let go completely after more than two years.
I’m sorry. Anything interesting happening with your love life these days?
Not really. I’ve been for a year, and that’s long enough to realise that nobody wants to be accountable. It’s so easy to get discarded for the next “shiny” thing.
I also don’t approach women anymore — not just because of what I’ve been through, but because my female friends have shared how uncomfortable they feel when random men approach them. So I stay careful.
Have you considered dating apps?
I used to think dating apps were for people desperate to find a relationship, especially in this part of the world where it’s not the norm. It’s a stereotype I’m still unlearning, but I’ve never felt the need to try one.
Dating apps take away some of the spontaneity you get from real-life connections. I’m not open to them right now since I’m not feeling any pressure, but who knows? Maybe I’ll give them a shot sometime in the future.
Right. Plan to leave the streets soon?
I think about leaving sometimes, especially when I run into couples at events. There’s something beautiful about watching people in love. But right now? I’ve got bigger goals to focus on. My master’s tops that list, and there’s work, too. They currently keep me occupied, and I think love can wait.
For how long?
Ideally, the next couple of years. Love tends to show up when you least expect it, so while I want to protect myself, I don’t want to shut out the possibility completely. I’d like to achieve my goals before putting myself out there again
Fair enough. What’s something that gives you hope about dating?
I’m still young, the right person will come when it’s time, and I’ll be ready.
What’s one thing the streets are teaching you about love and partnership?
I’m learning to slow down and get to really know people before giving too much, not just emotionally but also in terms of time and expectations. Don’t dive in just because it feels good in the moment. I’ve learned to look for alignment in values, emotional maturity, and how they handle pressure or uncertainty.
When I’m ready, I’ll have a serious relationship in mind and expect the other person to have similar goals and temperaments. I think that’s where I clashed with my previous love interests. We just weren’t on the same page, and I ignored it.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Give it a rating on a scale of 1-10
8/10. I’m still meeting cool people when I want, so it’s not bad. The missing two points are for when I feel lonely.
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