Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Dangers of Not Paying Tithe and Offering.”
*Monseigneur Claude Frollo just entered the chat.*
The chapter starts of saying that tithing is mandatory for any Christian who:
- Wants to experience a divine financial breakthrough in their life.
- Doesn’t want to experience an eternity of hot girl summer in hell when they die.
Before you’ve even settled in, the book hits you with an excerpt from the confession of some guy named Jonas (not one of the Jonas brothers), an ex-Satanist and current pastor. In the excerpt, Jonas talks about the roster Lucifer and his squad follow when it comes to causing havoc in churches.
I got excited when I read this paragraph because there’s nothing I love more than piping hot underworld tea.
Did they just blame Satan for Monday Blues?
According to the book, It is Akiel (the poverty demon who works from 12 AM to 1 PM on Sundays) that influences people to not give offerings and tithes, ensuring that they remain in poverty. Why? Because poverty drives people away from God and towards Lucifer. Also, it’s easy to become a sorcerer when you’re poor.
That last line isn’t even me trying to be funny. It’s right there in the book.
Chile, that is a topic for another day.
This chapter starts with the story of a guy named James. James’ life is straight-up diarrhoea, which means that absolutely nothing in his is going right. This causes James to seek deliverance prayers from a pastor. After the deliverance, James feels like a new man and is happy that all his troubles are finally over. A few hours later, he receives what he considers to be proof of the potency of his deliverance session: a salary alert of N120,000 with an additional N35,000 as an end of year bonus. But in a horrifying plot twist, he gets home and is informed that his daughter fell off a balcony and requires treatment that costs N200,000.
I’m serious. That’s the end of the story.
The moral lesson of this story is:
In order words:
There’s also this bit that’s absolutely bonkers:
In this chapter, the author claims to have (and promises to reveal) concrete proof that none payment of tithe/offering sends people to hell. But before doing that, he proceeds to explain what tithing means using TWO PARAGRAPHS.
This feels like something that should’ve come earlier in the book – like at the beginning – but whatever. At least now we get the proof we were promised.
- Sister Laura Wanma – Testimony of Heaven and Hell:
- Choo Thomas – Heaven is So Real:
- The 7 Colombian Youths – Divine Revelation Hell:
- Ricardo Cid – 8 Hours in Heaven Testimony:
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the author’s concrete proof. Stories from Christians who claim to have gone on tours of heaven and hell with Jesus Christ Superstar as their guide.
This is the “proof” that I endured three chapters for.
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.