Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “Divine Experience of a Nigerian Soldier In The Land of The Dead”.
I like today’s book a lot because it’s a period piece (lol). It’s the story of a guy who was killed during the Nigerian civil war and his experiences in the afterlife. The book never mentions his name, only that he waited over 30 years to tell his story for some reason. And that when he did, it was at a Deeper Life Christian Church revival program in 2002.
At some point during the civil war, our protagonist had just enlisted in the Nigerian army and wanted nothing more than to be on the battlefield taking out the enemies like a fun game of Call Of Duty. However, after his training, he was made a Quarter Master (i.e. the guy in charge of issuing uniforms and ammunition to soldiers). He was pissed.
Not long after, he got his wish and was sent to the war front. He was shot and killed three months later. He said he had no idea when the bullet hit. All he noticed was that he was suddenly enveloped by thick darkness. He kept running through it, though, because he somehow had no idea he had died.
This monologue is killing me.
While trying to get out of the darkness, he saw a light ahead. He ran straight for it until he encountered a fork in the road. As he stood, wondering which way to go, he heard a loud booming voice ask:
“Where are you coming from?”
And he replied:
“I’m coming from the world.”
He says the booming voice then proceeded to ask him how long he’d spent in the world and to reveal all the things he had done, which he did.
Basically, they had a long-ass conversation.
Did the darkness keep morphing and stretching to make enough room for him to run through? A fork in the road? Did that mean there were now two lights ahead? Remember that at this point, he still didn’t know he had died. So why did he answer the booming voice’s question the way he did? Why am I doing this??
After confessing all his deeds, he began crying because there was more bad than good. He said that immediately after this, a giant book appeared before him containing all the sins he had just confessed.
At this point, the booming voice suddenly said, “look to your left and go in there“ and before our protagonist could react, he found himself on a conveyor belt being taken to a hot ass place from which emerged terrified voices shouting and crying for help.
THIS was when he realized that he had died.
As our protagonist was about to be thrown headfirst into the lake of fire.
This lake of fire:
He heard yet another disembodied voice that told him all his sins have been forgiven and that he should go back the way he came and make things right. He said that he ran back the way he came…
…and the next thing he knew, he felt his spirit re-enter his body…
…just as it was about to be buried!
Conveniently, the book doesn’t specify how much time passed between when he died and when his spirit returned. Hours? Days??
The discrepancies in this timeline of events are fucking with me.
He then goes on to explain the concept of eternity in 4 paragraphs using like 70 different analogies.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.