Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “4 Hour Interview in Hell.”
Is it just me or does that look like Chris Brown?
The book starts with the setting for the story – a teacher’s training college in 1974. A man named Dare Martins is visited by his friend, Allen Bamgbose. After chatting for a while, they’re joined by two other guys named Kunle and Taiwo. For some reason, they begin talking about the most horrifying things they’ve ever experienced – you know, like normal friends do when they get together. Dare’s story was about witnessing some shit during the civil war. Taiwo’s story was about a plane crash that claimed seven lives. Kunle’s story was about the one time he experienced an earthquake during his time abroad.
Things take a turn for the “Nigga, what?” when Allen’s story ends up being about the time he got a journalist VIP pass to hell and got to walk around, interviewing some of its residents – in a dream.
You just know that at least one person in that room was like:
But they’d already told their stories and were bound by the law of niceness to listen to his. So, they let him narrate the following story to them.
Allen is taking a nap on a hot afternoon in 1967 when he’s suddenly snatched up out of his room and placed on a path leading to the pearly gates of heaven.
As his excitement grows about getting into the good place – even though he has no idea when exactly he died – a tall Yoruba-speaking angel stops him in his tracks and gives him the official Mount Zion movie angel speech. You know, this speech:
“You can’t die now because you still have unfinished business with God. You have a message to pass across. Come and see, why you must go back and spread our message more passionately.”
Then this happens:
After walking for seven minutes, they get to their destination.
They stop in front of hell’s gate so the angel can deliver a whole ass monologue shading modern-day pastors for preaching about materialism as opposed to salvation and godliness. They then walk into the underworld and spend a minute taking in its vast awfulness. Allen is fucking horrified by what he’s seeing and is still trying to wrap his head around things when the angel says, “This is why you must go back and tell everybody to repent. Whatever is revealed to you here, take it, go back to the world and tell it!” and vanishes, leaving Allen alone.
What follows is a hauntingly beautiful description of the first demon Allen sees after he’s left alone.
After ogling the hell out of the demon, Allen begins his series of interviews, starting with a woman he happens to have attended secondary school with named Rita.
LMAO! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!
I would gist you about the short conversation he claims they had but you NEED to read it for yourself.
Before he could ask her more stuff, she was swallowed by fire and never seen again.
Not long after talking to Rita, Allen encounters a teenage girl who says she’s been there since 1932. When asked about the sin that landed her an eternity of hot girl summer, she responds with this:
A recurring theme in this series.
After leaving Sabrina the teenage witch, Allen runs into yet another person he knew when they were alive. (WHAT ARE THE OD –) A woman named Mrs Emily Adeyombo, who also happened to be a deaconess. Mrs Emily informs Allen that what did her in was the sin of unforgiveness. She had beef with the choirmaster at their church and didn’t squash it before she died because she was older and expected him to apologize.
Someone should warn that choirmaster.
I’ve been recapping these books for a couple of weeks now and a thing they all have in common is how they all contain thinly-veiled threats of how terrible things will happen to you if you doubt them. I’d been waiting for this book’s threat and it finally came in this chapter, in the form of a guy Allen comes across. This guy’s torture is more extreme than anything Allen has seen in his time there. Here’s the conversation they have:
Wait. So he got to heaven’s gate, got accused of sinning his entire life, and his reply was “FAKE NEWS?!” Lmao! What?!
Who steals a walkie-talkie??
Before Allen can ask more questions, Michael is swallowed up by hellfire, a thing that – based on the way it’s been ending conversations at hella dramatic moments – I’m starting to believe is sentient.
Allen’s next interviewee is a Canadian medical practitioner named Joyce, who, according to Allen, actually introduces herself as “Joyce from Canada.” A weird way to introduce yourself in a place where your name doesn’t matter, much less your country of origin.
Joyce’s sin is that she was pro-choice in life and helped a ton of women have abortions. She says that a medical student once preached to her about abortion being murder but she ignored him because she believed in science or whatever. Sentient fire takes her away before she can say anything else so Allen moves on to his next interviewee, a pastor in hell for stealing church funds.
That’s the last thing Allen remembers before waking up.
Me, after reading this entire thing:
See you next week, y’all.
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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