How To Successfully Become A Nollywood Gangster

July 11, 2019

Hello human. 👋

Have you ever found yourself watching Nollywood movies and wishing you could lower your inhibitions and become more like the less than reputable characters robbing and killing people on screen? Just for the fun of it?

If your answer is “yes,” you’re in luck.

Here’s a guide on how to morph into an every character Hanks Anuku and J.T Tom West character ever.

1) You have to look the part

There’s a saying that goes “You have to dress for success.” This rule also applies to the world of Nollywood crime. Here’s a list of clothing items you need to blend in:

  • Baseball hats (turned to the back)
  • Bowler hats (set at a jaunty angle)
  • Durags
  • Fitted t-shirts (sometimes with the arms cut off)
  • Giant sunglasses (even at night)
  • Baggy jeans (like early 2000s type shit, no matter what year it is)

2) While we’re on the subject of looking the part, get a trash hairstyle.

Shave half of your head. Get dreads… in different colours! Who cares if getting dreads with your receding hairline makes you look like one of the predators from Predator? It’ll make you more terrifying, and that’s what you need right now.

3) Develop an accent.

Lol. Who else were we going to reference here?

Also, your voice has to drop like six octaves and your speech must become slurred. Basically, if you don’t sound like a tuberculosis victim who has been roofied, you’re not doing it right.

4) GET BUFF AND TALL!

Because your current height (5 feet and 1 inch) and weight (60kg) isn’t going to cut it. GET TO WORK!

5) Hang out with your gang members in either one of these two locations: A tiny filthy one bedroom apartment with way too many people and property in it OR an uncompleted building.

It goes without saying that you have to join a gang. That or you can start your own.

6) While hanging with your gang, drinking and smoking (at the same damn time), place your gun in your crotch, ensuring that trying to retrieve it (in your inebriated state) will lead to your genitals being blown off.

I can’t be the only who’s imagined this happened to all those movie gangsters that have seemingly never heard of a gun holster.

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